Original subtitles

I was

her

man, but he done her right.

Enjoyed your singing very much. Thank you. We've liked your singing ever since

we saw you in that USO show on New Guinea.

USO show on New Guinea? Were you two in the 38th Division?

How about that? It was good to see you. Thank you. It was back in 43.

43. Is it that long ago?

Boy, that's 14 years ago. It seems like only yesterday.

You know, I remember one sergeant in the 38th Division.

A real fast -talking con man.

You must be mistaken.

What do you mean? Philco's with the 24th Division.

Philco. That was his name?

Ernie Philco. What a character.

You know, I remember that you couldn't get nylons anywhere in the States, but

was selling them on New Guinea for $5 a pair. Oh, that sounds like him.

He's still in the Army. The last I heard, he was stationed someplace in

Kansas? Fort Baxter. Yeah, that's the place. Oh, I'd love to see him again.

Do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to call him up. Tony?

Where'd you say the place was? Fort Baxter?

Yeah, in Kansas. Mrs. Morgan? Tony, bring me your phone, will you please?

Right away.

Ernie Bilko. What a line he gave me.

I still don't know to this day if he was kidding me or not. Why? What happened?

Well, it was on New Guinea.

The order had come through to move up.

Oh, I thought you'd never get here. I've been waiting an eternity.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This then is what?

Goodbye. The sands of time are running out for us, and we must part for now. I

know.

I hear the signs of battle up ahead, and I'm man enough to admit I'm afraid.

Oh, Ernie, don't worry.

I'm going up there to sing, not to fight. Oh, so much to do in such little

Yeah, I know. I still have to pack.

Listen, Ernie.

Ernie, did you remember to bring that other pair of nylons for me?

Of course.

You didn't think I'd forget those. There you are. Oh, how wonderful, Ernie. How

can I ever thank you?

Just holding you in my arms this brief moment is thanks enough for me. Why, it

means more to me than that $5 ever.

Ernie, I've got it right here in my pocket. No, no, no. Just take the

There's something to remember me by.

Well, I'll remember you anyway, Ernie. Very well, if you insist.

Well, it's getting late.

No, no.

Don't say goodbye. This farewell has to last me forever.

A long time, baby. Ernie, please.

No, just one kiss goodbye. No, Ernie, no.

You're right.

Not goodbye.

Just I'll be the same.

Oh, baby.

Baby. Baby, baby.

Oh, that's a long time. How long have you been overseas?

A long time.

You can tell.

The pain of this ugly war steps to my heart, and you, you're like an oasis of

beauty in my ravaged life. Oh,

I'll never, never forget you, Connie.

Bonnie! Bonnie! Connie, what difference does it make? I love you!

Oh, stop, Ernie. Ernie, please, you're being silly. Now let me go.

I really have to go.

Goodbye, Ernie. Good luck.

Oh, the feel of your passionate kiss on my cheeks will stay with me forever. And

now you'd better go.

Why, we still both have control of ourselves. Did you give me the file?

gave me the file.

Hey, Ken.

Hold it,

hold it, hold it. Wait a minute.

Hello? Oh, yes, operator, I'll wait.

She's ringing Fort Baxter now. Oh, good.

You know, I always had the feeling that if Ernie Bilko put some of that crafty

brilliance of his to work on army projects, he could turn out to be a

-rate military mind.

Men. The application of military science can often prove invaluable, as we will

demonstrate in the following instance.

A knowledge of trajectory with the proper amounts for wind resistance on a

spheroid projectile. In other words, gentlemen, eight ball in a side pocket.

That doesn't count. How much do you want, Rocco? About 17 bucks.

It's not enough.

Where's my Patsy Ritzick?

The next picture shows the emperor of galaxy, L -40, getting into his atomic

spaceship. That's the emperor with the ugly face, huh? Yeah. See, has he got

daughter with him?

Look who... Let me see.

Wow, she looks good.

Now, tell me what happens now.

Then the emperor says, today I rule the galaxy, tomorrow the universe.

Here, Ritzik, what do you need him for? Can't you read?

Oh, of course I can read. We just got one pair of glasses, that's all.

All right.

How about a game of pool? Give me a chance to get even.

Oh, not now.

What are you talking about? That comic book will be here when you get back.

Okay, Bickle. But I'm broke.

I ain't breathing.

Broke. You're going to lose a dollar in the whole platoon.

Get that, will you, Henshaw? Right, sir.

Seventeen, huh? Yep. Let me see if I borrow ten from Doberman. That just

will do it. I'll get by. It's for you, Ernie. It's a girl calling from

Washington.

A girl? From Washington? That's what she said.

Oh, I don't like that.

When they start calling long distance, I get worried. Who could it be?

Maybe it's that redhead Marie I took out last July.

What am I worried about?

All I did was take her to a drive -in movie.

Hello?

Yes, this is Philco.

Who's this?

Bonnie?

Of course I remember you.

Yes, when is it the last time we met?

Oh, yes, I know. I just wanted to hear it from you.

New Guinea.

Of course, I'm Barney Morgan from the USO. Yes, the girl I gave the silk

stockings to.

Gave, sold.

What difference does it make?

Well,

you're singing at the DC Club in Washington, huh?

Wonderful. Glad to hear from you.

Yes, I'd like to see you too.

How about me coming up there this weekend?

Oh, don't worry. I'll get there. I know it's in Washington.

Yes, love will find a way.

All right, you look for me now.

Goodbye, my dear.

Wow! 14 years, he's still carrying a torch.

Who's Bonnie, Sarge? Bonnie Morgan.

Well, come on, give. What's the story? Nothing to give. She's a very nice girl.

Wait a minute. You remember Bonnie Morgan, the singer from the USO? Oh,

Oh, I hope she's cooled off by now. Hey, Sarge, when did you see her last?

Yeah, let me see.

Oh, it was in New Guinea.

Uh -huh.

Order, I've just come through to move up.

Ernie! Hello, woman.

Ernie, Ernie, I thought you'd never get here. I've been waiting an eternity.

Hold it, hold it, baby, baby.

You're melting my grenades.

I know that I promised you that when the time came, I wouldn't get emotional,

but...

Are you moving up tonight?

Yeah, baby.

This is it.

No, no, no, Ernie.

This time something will happen to you. I just know it. I feel it. Please don't

go, Ernie. Please. Please, Ernie. I can't stand it. Stop it.

Sorry.

Oh, Ernie, do you really have to go?

Maybe. That's the way the jeep bounces.

You can't live forever.

Why does it always have to be you?

I don't know. Why is it always...

Bilko leads enemy attack.

Bilko captures enemy platoon.

Bilko wipes out machine gun. That's why, why, why, why.

Baby, somebody's got to take care of the South Pacific.

Audie Murphy is in Europe.

I don't care about that. All I know is that I love you. I love you. I love you,

Ernie. Oh, no, Ernie. No, no, not yet, not yet.

Look, baby, there's a time to live and there's a time to fight. Now put

together. Ernie, do you remember that idea I had yesterday?

Oh, that's ridiculous. You can't go in my face.

Oh, Ernie, this island won't be the same without you. Come on, baby. Pull

yourself together, sugar.

That's the way it is in the army.

Here today, Guam tomorrow.

Oh, the boys in the shack will love that one. Oh, Ernie.

How can you be so witty in the face of such danger?

That's the way I am, baby. You've got to face it. And now I'm going to say

goodbye and goodbye quick. No use prolonging your heartache. So long,

See you in Tokyo. Oh, no, Annie, no.

No, don't go, please.

Please, Annie, please.

It's a war out. No, I beg you, don't leave me.

Please, Annie, please.

You see me stuck?

Will you go away?

Bonnie, baby, no, no.

Couldn't shake her off.

Wow. Hey, Sarge, you think she's still in love with you?

Of course. Why else would she call me from Washington?

Let me see. I've got to get to Washington this weekend. How?

I got it.

Those trucks at the Aberdeen Proving Ground?

What about them? What about them? They haven't gotten here yet. I think it's a

crying shame since we need them so desperately, don't we?

No. Well, of course we do. I pray to him going up there to see if they get here.

What about Washington?

Washington? Aberdeen's just a few miles from Washington.

Huh? Huh?

Ow! Oh, that poor girl. Fourteen years without Bilko.

She must be a clawing savage by now.

Major Lukens?

You startled me.

What is it, Private? What is it? What is it? Sergeant Bilko requests permission

to see you.

Bilko?

Oh, dear. Send him in. Send him in.

Major Lucan, sir.

Don't shout, Sergeant. I understand, Major.

And believe me, sir, the men of Fort Baxter realize the terrific strain

been under, sir. What, with your double duty as CO and special service officer?

As a matter of fact, they'll marvel at the strength and fortitude you've

displayed in the 36 hours that the Colonel has been gone, sir. 37 hours and

minutes. Well, sir,

our motorized operating capacity is at a state of crisis, sir. We simply do not

have enough vehicles to operate this post at its peak efficiency, sir. Wilco,

that's all that's bothering you, please... But, sir, those new trucks of

have been standing up there at Aberdeen, sir. Well...

I'm willing to cancel any plans I have this weekend to go up there personally

and supervise their delivery. Why, it's shocking, sir. Suppose the enemy should

strike. There we are. Please.

I can be at Aberdeen bright and early Saturday morning, sir. Bilko, I'm trying

to tell you, that won't be necessary.

Won't be necessary? Well, sir, isn't eternal vigilance the price of liberty,

sir? Bilko, those trucks left Aberdeen this morning. They should be rolling in

here sometime this weekend.

Oh, they will.

Isn't that splendid, sir?

It's just a rotten coincidence, that's all.

Yeah, I guess you better forget about Washington for this weekend, Ernie. And

break that love -starved girl's heart.

Are you nuts?

Hey, Ernie.

Notice it just came from the bulletin board. The what? Put it up on the

board. It's the usual stuff, see?

Subject, unidentified flying objects. Now, why do I care about flying sources

a time like this? Put it on the bulletin board.

Wait a minute.

Post commanders will report all authentic UFO sightings to the Pentagon

evidence is of a substantial nature.

Post commanders will report... What is it, Ernie?

The CO is authorized to send any person who sees an unidentified flying object

direct to the Pentagon. So? So, this is my ticket to Washington.

I get it. All you have to do is report you've seen a flying saucer and you're

your way. It's not that simple. The Major will immediately become

I've got to get someone else to see it first.

Someone who trusts me.

Somebody in another platoon.

You better try someone in another camp.

He's a bug on science fiction. I'll tell him I'll go...

Wow. Rupert, put down that comic book. I'm tired of looking at nothing but the

top of your head.

Oh, leave me alone.

A man of your age shouldn't be reading comic books.

These ain't ordinary comic books. They're all about space travel and other

planets. What's wrong if I take a healthy interest in astrology?

What's wrong if you take a healthy interest in me? I haven't seen you all

You don't even talk to me anymore.

I'm not a stick of wood.

Talk to me.

All right.

What's new?

None of your business.

down that copy.

Look, how many conversations do you want in one night?

How can I forget such a thing?

What? What is it? What time is it?

It's the cop.

Good. It's time for Captain Dan, Spaceman.

Are you ready for the last one?

Yeah, yeah.

You can look at this stupid program and I don't have to hear it. I'm going to

turn down the shop.

Well, good evening, Mrs. Richard. What do you want, Bilko? He doesn't get paid

for another three days.

Mrs. Richard, I am surprised this is purely a social call. Don't make me

Rupert, give me your watch. What for?

Don't ask any questions until Bilko leaves. I'll hold the watch.

Look out. Watch out.

He's got a disintegrated pistol.

Oh, I told him to watch out.

What's up? A game tonight?

Shh. I want to watch this.

Oh, are you interested in this stuff too, Ernie? Are you kidding? I never

it. Now, fellows, this is Captain Dan with the interplanetary passwords.

Klatunikta Baroda.

Klatunikta Baroda.

What does that mean?

You promise you won't tell anybody?

I promise.

It means crispy crunchies are good for you.

Look, Lucas, I gotta ask you something.

If I don't talk to somebody, I'll go out of my mind.

Well, if it's a tush, you're wasting your time. No, no, it's nothing like

Now, look. What is it?

That's just too ridiculous. Well, come on out with it. Tell me, Berko.

Rupert, are there really such things as flying saucers? Oh, sure.

There must be a thousand people who've seen them.

Thousand and one?

You mean you?

Yeah. When?

Last night.

Are you sure? Because I've been watching the skies every night with my

binoculars, and I haven't seen anything.

Where have you been looking?

North.

By the whack barracks.

Last night I was looking south.

Around two o 'clock.

Yeah? Yeah, come on, tell me.

Well, I looked up in the sky and saw these strange lights, see? And then I

heard... These

strange voices.

Say that again.

Must be in cold.

As the sounds disappeared, I wanted to make sure, and I went out to

Strangest thing of all, there on the ground where they had been was this

white... Wait, I put some in an envelope.

Let me see.

I thought so.

Sugar. Are you sure?

I'm a cook, ain't I?

Sugar? Yeah. Why sugar?

Come on, you know something. I'll win it, Rupert. Yeah, I remember a picture I

once saw where these creatures from outer space, they lived on nothing but

sugar. I remember the name. Now, the sweet monster from Planet X.

See?

Of course, movies don't lie. They're not allowed to. They got a motion picture,

cool. Fantastic.

Utterly fantastic.

Ernie, I'm surprised at you. There's nothing too fantastic in this atomic

Do me a favor.

Tonight, you watch.

I want to make sure that these tired old eyes of mine are not playing tricks on

me. Leave it to me, Ernie. I'll clean up my binoculars real good.

That feels good, having a scientist in the group.

K and B?

What's K and B?

Klatunita Baroda.

Ernie, Ernie, I got you that Washington newspaper. Get a load of that picture.

Miss Bonnie Morgan, Tara Torch Singer, now appearing at the D .C. Club.

Ain't she a beaut? I just got to get to Washington this weekend. Did you get

everything? Yes, Sarge. I got the balloons. I fill them with gas and go

up. Good. Those will be the flying saucers. Here's the oscillator.

Ah, that's when the flying saucers take off.

Great, Sarge. I got the sugar. Good, good. Sarge, what's the tape recorder

Look, our little men from Mars have to talk, don't they? On a tape recorder?

Observe.

One, two, three, four, testing, testing. Now is the time for all good men to

come to the aid of the party.

My barney lies over the ocean.

And for a good measure, Klaatu Nikta Baroda.

Sir, what was that Klaatu Nikta Baroda?

That's Martian talk for Washington.

Here I come.

Now you'll hear the Martian people talk. I'll play the tape in reverse.

Great, sir.

Now look, three hours.

Here's what I want you to do.

Say anything, Ritchick?

Not yet.

Oh, let's go inside. I'm cold.

Francis, keep your eyes on the skies.

We've been out here for over two hours. Where are they?

Half paces. They got a long trip.

Why would client sources come over an army camp when they might get shot down?

Who knows? Maybe they haven't attained our high degree of intelligence.

Come on in to sleep. It's late.

Oh, leave me alone. Tell your idiot friends to go home and you come on

Oh, leave us alone.

Rufus. What?

Rupert. Rupert.

Listen.

There they are.

One, two, three.

Who? We saw them. We saw them. We saw them.

Ritchie, what's up? I saw them, Brady. I saw them. And Grover did, too. Saw

what? Three bright silver flying saucers. They went all the way up in the

until I couldn't see them anymore.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure. And then we found this.

Sugar. The sweet monster from planet... Mr. Spencer, twice a day in the morning

you report this to Major Lukens. Yeah. And don't tell him I saw him. Where to?

want you to get full credit for this.

Thanks, sir. To you.

What's up, Sarge? Why'd you ask us to meet you down here? Yeah, what happened?

Perfect. Everything's going according to plan. Yeah? What did the Major say when

Ritzik told him? He said it was the most ridiculous thing he ever heard of in

his life.

You know the Major.

He worries.

Tonight, you won't think it's so ridiculous. Same treatment Ritzik got?

with a little something added. What do you mean, Sarge? Tonight, the Major's

going to see the first creature from outer space to land on Earth.

Observe.

Oh, creature!

How do I look?

Perfect. Except for one thing.

Taint him green.

Oh, sir!

Flash your antenna.

Confound that Riddick and his wild -eyed stories.

get a hold of yourself.

You are a major in the United States Army. Remember that.

Well, that's better, Lukens.

Let it go.

One, two, three.

Let me call for the guard.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Corporal, Corporal, do you see them?

Did you see them?

Flying saucers, Corporal.

Three of them.

Well, confounded Corporal, look outside to the northeast.

What do you see?

What do you see?

The stars?

Are you sure?

Just a minute.

Yes, you're quite right, Corporal. There's nothing there.

I must have been having a nightmare.

Or maybe it was that meatloaf I had for dinner.

Losing my mind.

Please, let it be the meatloaf.

Good morning,

sir.

How do you feel, Wilco?

Terrible, sir. I didn't sleep a wink last night. Neither did I.

Sir, I'd like to ask a favor of you. I know I've been a pest around here and

would consider me somewhat of a gold brick.

Sir, I'd like permission to report to the hospital for a checkup, sir. Why?

What's the matter?

Well, sir, it's either these tired old eyes of mine or my mind playing tricks

me, sir, but last night I... Oh, it's just too ridiculous.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. What is it, Booker? Well, sir, last night... Promise

won't laugh, sir? I won't. What is it? Well, I thought I saw these strange

lights in the sky, sir. Oh? And then I heard... Yes?

And then there were these strange voices, sir.

And I didn't... What's wrong, sir?

It wasn't the meatball.

One of the little monsters was right outside my window.

Sir, we'll have to report this immediately. You know what the directive

the communication boards. I already have. I phoned the Pentagon.

You didn't tell them that you saw them, sir. No, not yet. I merely filed a

report on Riddick's sighting.

File the report, sir? Don't you think this is of major importance? That should

be reported in person, sir. I certainly do.

Do me a favor, sir. Please.

You stay out of this and let me handle it, sir.

Why, Bilko? Well, sir, they are so skeptical, and you know how conservative

are. And with your promotion coming up, sir, I don't think that they should

think that you... You are right, Bilko.

I am going to let you and Sergeant Ritzig handle this. Wonderful, sir. I'll

and pack and be off for Washington immediately.

Washington? Of course.

Thank you for that, Bilko. That will not be necessary.

An army investigator will be here this afternoon.

And I am going to see that he interviews you and Sergeant Rydzik immediately.

Now, Bilko, tell him everything.

Everything, sir? You mean about the... Everything, Bilko. Sir, I suppose you

don't believe me. Don't worry, Bilko. They'll believe you. Believe me.

Yes, sir.

Lace. Lace!

Where does that mean that they're keeping us under observation?

Ninja cuckoo.

Cuckoo. Nice.

What do you want, Mac? Look, I got a date with this dame in Washington. I

be able to make it. That's for sure.

At least let me send a telegram. Give me a pencil.

Sorry, Mac. No sharp instruments.

I can't imagine where we haven't heard from him. From who?

Captain Dance.

Space man.

Nice. Nice.

Nice. I brought you some company.

All right. Right this way, Mac. Oh, it's one of them. It's one of them.

Say stop, 90.

Also seen in tonight's show were Edward Andrews as Major Lukens, Constance Ford

as Bonnie Morgan, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as Sergeant Grover,

and Beatrice Ponds as Mrs. Ritzig.