Original subtitles

Good morning, good morning, good morning. Oh, what a lovely morning. And

look lovely, my dear.

Jack, what on earth's gotten into you? Oh, what a beautiful day. This is the

beginning of the most beautiful day that ever dawned.

May I have this dance, dear?

Jack, Jack, Jack.

You're acting as though you're going to be made general.

Better than that. At 12 o 'clock noon tomorrow, Bill Cozum -Listman is up and

he's leaving the army.

What? Oatmeal? I don't want oatmeal.

This is a morning for griddle cakes and sausages and syrup and lots of butter.

But, Jack, you're so much. With Bilko leaving, I could eat nails and feel

Don't you understand, Nell?

Bilko is leaving.

Morning,

Ernie.

Here's your breakfast, Sarge. I hope you slept okay.

How did you sleep okay? Bugles blowing at six o 'clock in the morning, men

drilling, marching outside your window?

Well, thank heavens it'll all be over soon.

Well, that's what we'd like to talk to you about, Ernie. Just save your breath.

But, Ernie, how are we going to get along without you?

You'll just have to muddle through somehow.

I've done more than my share. I've got to think of myself once in a while.

That's from... Toast is cold.

Please. Am I not in time for the conference of life finally?

Listen, Sarge. When a guy has been in the army as long as you have, you know,

you can get lost in civilian life.

Eisenhower and MacArthur did all right.

It ain't just for ourselves I'm talking. It's for the whole platoon.

Sarge, they're taking it pretty hard.

Two lumps, please.

They're all choked up inside, Ernie.

Take this, will you, Rockham?

Sarge, I didn't know you'd been crying.

Sergeant, there's something we want you to hear.

Bender?

We, the undersigned, hereby urge you, Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko, to reconsider

your decision and sign up for another hit.

Your departure would leave an empty place in the heart of the undersigned

could not be refilled.

So we hereby urge you, do not leave us, Sergeant Bilko.

I must say, this is all very touching.

Now I know how George Washington felt when he had to say goodbye to his

I pressed your suit, Sarge. Good boy, Dwayne. Will you iron out my shirts?

Dwayne, iron out my shirts.

I can't, Sarge. I can't touch your shirts.

Every stroke of the iron takes you farther and farther away from me.

You've got to be brave.

Before I met you, I was nothing but a slob.

But, Commander, you did most of it yourself.

Now, promise me you'll be brave.

So you won't change your mind, huh, Sergeant? Look, fellas, I'm going to

you all, but I just got to do it.

So that's your last word, huh? Fellas, look alive. My discharge is in the works

already. Face it. Try to understand.

I'm on my way out. He's on his way out!

Here's a complete file on Sergeant Bilko, along with his discharge.

Everything's okay, except for one thing. Yes, what's that?

Well, sir, during World War II, a small company of men had to be moved from one

end of the Marianas to the other. Go on.

The mission calls for the leadership of an officer, and since no officer was

present, Sergeant Bilko was given a temporary commission of lieutenant.

Yes? Well, I don't know how it happened, but the temporary commission was never

canceled.

Somebody cool.

You mean this Bilko is really Lieutenant Bilko? That's right, sir.

Well, teletype the personnel officer at Fort Baxter. Ask him to have Sergeant

Bilko sign Form 519.

That'll cancel his lieutenant's commission and complete our records.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Marconi, drop everything, huh? Get this out on the wire like a good boy on

a double. Good -bye.

Okay, shoot.

All right, to Miss Mildred LaPlante, care of the stage entrance, Latin

New York City, New York.

Dear Mildred, arriving at 7 .30 at Isle Wilde, you're not writing.

Ernie, how many times have I got to tell you? No personal messages. If somebody

finds out, I'm in trouble.

Oh, yeah, that's right. You could get in trouble.

Remember that, Rocco, and tell nobody.

But nobody about the two -tone paint job we did on Grover's car. It's liable to

get somebody in trouble.

So you want to call the white wall tires that came in? You better ship them

back. We'll liable to get in trouble if we put them on Grover's car.

Okay, Ernie, what's the message?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's something coming in over the water.

Say, it's about you, Ernie, from the Pentagon.

Probably from the chief of staff begging me to stay in the army.

Marianas Island, 1943.

Commissioned as temporary lieutenant, Sergeant E. Pilko.

Ernie, you weren't a lieutenant? Yeah, for about two hours.

As Sergeant Pilko, signed Form 519.

What's a 519 for?

To release commission as temporary lieutenant.

Release? Wait a minute, I'm still a lieutenant then. You never signed a

I've been a lieutenant since 1943.

Pencil. What do you want a pencil for? Pencil, pencil. Here, here, here.

What's a lieutenant's salary? A $220 a month base pay.

$220 base pay. Base pay, that's... That's $60 a month more than I make as a

master sergeant. That means they owe me $60 a month since 1943.

I'm rich.

I'm rich. Take it easy, Sergeant.

Pencil. Pantel! Pantel!

Let me see.

$60 a month for 19... How many votes in 1943?

12! 12! I just figured it out. If you were a lieutenant since 1943, that means

you got seniority. Bless you! He's right.

Instead of getting 220 a month, you'd be getting 340.

Pantel. I've got no more pension.

He's lying.

He's lying!

He's lying! He's lying!

Look, I just got a crayon.

I won't forget you gave him a crayon. All right.

Don't you...

What comes after 1945?

1945.

The difference is $120 a month. $120 times 12. That's $1 ,400

a year.

You're sure? Holy smoke! At only $1 ,400, that's $14 ,000.

Wait a minute. Don't be a sucker.

It comes out better than $20 ,000.

Wait, Ernie. Wait, Ernie. I think I know what Rocco means.

You can't get any of that money because you're leaving the army. Who's leaving

the army? How dare he say a thing? Me leave the army?

Never. What kind of a soldier do you think I am?

I am re -elixir.

We're getting into the send -off party. We've got to thin them out with a smile.

Here's the cake.

Hey, put it on the table.

How's the punch? I don't know. It needs something.

It needs lemon.

Don't, man. When you made the punch, I told you to put lemon into it. But I did

put lemon in it. You didn't. I did. You didn't. Wait.

I'll show you.

See?

They're coming.

They're coming.

All right, fellas, get in there.

Are you all ready?

He's a jolly fellow.

He's a jolly fellow.

say anything?

I've re -enlisted.

That's right, fellas.

It's the real thing. From now on, it's Lieutenant Belko. That's right. He's got

a commission.

Commission? Lieutenant?

You mean you joined the enemy?

Oh, come on. Knock it off, fellas. Relax.

At ease. At ease.

Paparelli. Yes, sir. Right, sir.

No, no, Dino. Nothing has changed.

Fender, will you tell Paparelli he can relax?

Yes, sir.

Private Paparelli, the lieutenant wishes me to inform you that you can relax.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir. I explain, sir.

Fellas, nothing has changed. Your old friendly sergeant is now your old

lieutenant. Dublin, you understand. Nothing has changed. It's like old

Yes, sir. Just like old times, sir. If the lieutenant says so, yes, sir. What

are you going to do with guys like this?

Let's face it, Sarge. As long as you're wearing that uniform, that's what you

can expect.

That's what's bothering you, fellas. You think a couple of bars are going to

change the soul and character of a...

When you're dealing with children, you've got to teach them here. Get rid

this, will you, please? All right? Here it is. Same old lady.

All right? I don't get it. What happened?

Who put you in for the tennis commission?

The colonel? The colonel doesn't even know I reenlisted him. Don't anybody

him I want to save that surprise for myself.

I don't know. With you as an officer, things just won't be the same around

You can say that again. With me in there fighting for you, this will no longer

be Fort Baxter. What do you mean? This will be known as Fort Paradise.

What about you as a lowly sergeant?

Imagine what I can do for you as an officer, a lieutenant.

At

ease,

men, at ease. I don't want to interrupt your party.

My boy, I just came in to wish you the best of everything.

The very best.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

Goodbye, Ernie.

We'll miss our Sarge.

My boy, you've made a momentous decision.

A momentous decision.

Yes, sir, I'm aware of that, sir.

But I'm sure you'll never regret it.

Mrs. Hall and I got you a little gift as a remembrance.

Something suitable to be taken.

A traveling bag.

Sir, I don't know how to thank you enough. This traveling bag expresses my

sentiments better than any words I can think of.

This gesture of yours, sir, it'll stay with me forever. It'll give me a feeling

of...

Togetherness, sir. And so now comes the time to say goodbye.

But I won't say goodbye.

It'll make us all too sad.

But, sir, if you'll just wait just a moment, I have a little surprise for

too. Excuse me.

Well, get on with the party, boys.

Let's all be cheerful.

Let's not show Ernie how we really feel.

Sir?

How do I look, sir? Why, you look fine, my boy. Just fine.

I understand.

It's the wish of every enlisted man to put on an officer's uniform.

But you'd better take it off. It's against regulations.

Sir, it's not against regulations for me to wear this uniform, sir. Because you

see, sir, I am a lieutenant.

Funny? We're going to miss your jokes, Bilko. Sir, you don't seem to

I have been a lieutenant since 1943.

You've been a what since when? Bilko, you get out of that uniform at once.

Colonel Hall, this is a ridiculous mistake.

Sergeant Bilko was supposed to sign Form 519 in order to release a temporary

commission he once held. I didn't bother you with it because it's a routine

matter. Sir, begging the captain's pardon, but I know my rights. If I don't

that release, sir, I'm still a lieutenant.

I don't know, sir. It might very well be.

That is technically.

I'll check on it, sir.

Oh, no.

Can you call me, Colonel? Yes, what's holding up? my call to the Pentagon.

All the circuits are busy, sir. It should come through soon.

Well, keep after them. I've got to drive out to the airfield and meet General

Williams in ten minutes.

Yes, sir. Oh, there's a Mr. McCready to see you. Oh, Mr. McCready? I don't know

any McCready. He says he's from the Ace Construction Company.

Oh, well, send him in. But keep after that call to the Pentagon.

Yes, sir. I want to settle this Bill Cole affair before any trouble starts.

do you do, Colonel?

I've got all the estimate figures and plans for the whole layout just as

ordered. The tennis courts and the swimming pool.

Classifications call for the usual rectangular shape, but what you want is

kidney -shaped swimming pool.

I want a kidney -shaped swimming pool. I knew you'd go for it, Colonel. We'll

start digging tomorrow.

Tomorrow? And I must say that you have wonderful foresight. This will be the

first Army installation in the country to have 18 tennis courts and a kidney

-shaped swimming pool.

Bilko!

What's happened to that call to the Pentagon?

The circuits are still tied up, Colonel. Well, get them untied. Tell them it's a

top -priority call.

Tell them the whole military structure is in danger of crumbling.

Oh, I think it's coming through now, sir. Hello?

They're ready, sir.

Thank heavens.

Maybe there's still time to save Fort Baxter.

Now, Colonel... And I don't want to kidney -shape anything.

Hello? Major Bradley?

About that Bilko matter. I want that cleared up.

You mean he refused to sign Form 519?

Well, no, I don't know what to do about it.

As a matter of fact, that isn't even my department.

I'll put you through to somebody who can help you.

Yes, yes, Colonel Hall, I understand your problem.

But that's not my department. Let me connect you with the First Division.

So you see, Colonel, there's nothing I can do about it that's not my

How does a spy ever find anything out?

About General Williams.

Good heavens, I'm late already.

I was supposed to pick him up. There's my car outside.

That's just it, sir. Your car is not available.

Not available? Why not?

Lieutenant Bilko took it. Bilko? Bilko took my car?

Yes, sir. He said it was important. Important? You send the MPs after him.

sir. If I know General Williams, he's out there now waiting to bow his top.

And then the second fellow says, what do you think my wife is, a kangaroo?

You've got to remember me better.

I am terribly sorry about not meeting you, sir.

Oh, don't give it another thought, Colonel. We all have our busy days, but

I say is that if a man can't do a job himself, choose the right man to do it.

And you certainly did. I did?

Oh, yes.

enjoyable trip from the airport. Thank you again, Lieutenant.

Well, sir, it was my pleasure. And as I explained to the general, I'm unassigned

at the moment. If there's anything I can do, sir, any assignment at all, I would

deem it a privilege and an honor, sir.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

I'll remember that.

Wait a minute. How did that go again?

He says, what do you think my wife is? A kangaroo?

That's a bright young lieutenant you have there, Colonel.

I'll bet you wish you had more like him.

Again, they threw away the mold.

Here, have a chair, General. Thank you.

Well, Colonel, I guess you'd like to know why I'm here.

I need a trustworthy man to carry out a scientific mission.

A man of courage, of stamina, of the highest integrity.

That's why I've come to you.

I'm honored, General.

For the moment, the mission must remain secret. But once accomplished, there

will be glory, acclaim, and a possible promotion.

Well... A man's duty is all that's important.

Nevertheless, the spotlight will be thrust upon him. He'll become a national

figure.

Exactly what is it you want this man to do, General?

I want him to go up in a balloon 30 miles into the ionosphere.

30 miles?

Yes, higher than any man has ever been before.

Yes, pretty high. Yes, and at that height, who knows what might happen. It

be dangerous.

Yes, I suppose it could.

So needless to say, I need a strong young man to go up there.

Yes. Yes, a strong young man.

I were only 20 years younger.

Who would you suggest, madam?

Well, let me see.

Say, what about that lieutenant?

Built up?

Lieutenant Bilko reporting, sir.

Mattie, Lieutenant.

Thank you, sir. Lieutenant, I sent for you because I have an assignment for

An assignment? This is a surprise, sir, but I'm at your service.

Colonel, do you want to take over from here?

No, no. You go ahead, General. I'll just listen.

Lieutenant, the Colonel and I were about to look at some films. We'd like for

you to see them, too. Well, splendid, sir.

These films were taken by a mechanically operated camera placed in the tail of a

rocket which was sent up 22 miles.

Colonel, will you get the lights? Would you like me to take notes, sir? Good

idea. Right.

Watch closely, Milko. Yes, sir.

Now there you see the rocket as it takes off with the stratosphere.

Here inside the rocket you see the white mice.

Notice how helpless they are inside this cube.

You see, at this high altitude, gravity is considerably reduced.

interesting, sir, and very educational, I might say.

Lieutenant, that was Operation Stratosphere. We are now ready to go

Operation Ionosphere.

This time, along with the animals, we are going to send up a man. A man.

Splendid. I'll make a note of that, sir. Which brings us to the point. Excuse

me, General.

May I take over now?

Here are your orders.

Tomorrow morning at 0600, you'll put on a pressurized suit and get into the

balloon with the monkeys and off...

Such courage, such cooperation.

Wait.

Let me go up in a bowl.

That'll be the day.

General John T.

Hall. Dear sir, I regret...

that compelling personal reasons forced me to resign my commission as

lieutenant.

Ernest, shame on you. Are you going to crawl away from this challenge like a

gutless coward?

What are you doing?

Play it smart.

Finish the letter.

Do it the Bilko way.

Bilko way. You know what that stands for, Ernest.

conniving, skull -duggery, horn -swaggling.

Now, listen to that goody -goody boy, Ernie. Look, we've always done all right

letting the other fellow do the dirty work.

Dirty work.

That's the way it's always been with you, Ernest.

But now we have a chance to wipe the slate clean.

Think of it, Ernest. A bilko risks his life for science.

A bilko becomes a national hero.

A picture of bilko screams from the front pages.

The name is engraved in the hearts of men and purred from the lips of women.

This is the chance of a lifetime, Ernest. And remember, if you don't do

lose the $20 ,000.

I'll do it. I'll do it. Hey, what are you doing?

Leave me alone.

You heard him, Sergeant.

Leave him alone.

Hang on. Hang on.

Ah, Lieutenant Vilko.

Here's your man, Professor Wollstetter. Please brief him on the operation.

Good show.

Lieutenant Vilko, you can't know what this day means to me.

I've devoted 14 years of my life to this project.

It means so much to me to find out if a man can exist in the ionosphere.

Means quite a bit to me, too, sir. Not cool, sir. Take off minus four. Do you

want me to finish loading? Yes, immediately.

Yes, sir.

Now, Lieutenant, everything works automatically.

But there are certain safety precautions you must remember in case something

goes wrong.

Something goes wrong?

Certainly. Anything can happen.

Now, listen carefully, Lieutenant.

Trouble may start at the altitude of 80 ,000 feet.

In the event of an emergency, press button number one on the instrument

Button number one.

That'll get me down. No, that'll save the mice.

Mice? Then wait ten seconds and press button number two.

Button number two. That'll get me down. No, that'll save the monkeys.

The monkeys go first.

Then I wait ten seconds and I press button number three.

Right. And that will be the most important thing of all.

The camera.

Now, let me check this.

Sir, the monkeys and the mice are ready to be loaded. Good, good. Get them on.

Get them on. Yes, sir. Sir, just a minute. I don't want to be picky.

But the panel only shows three buttons. That's right. Why?

What about a button for me to get me down? You know, a parachute?

Friendly, I own a spear and a parachute. It's out of the question. A parachute

will be torn to shreds. That's a chance we have to take.

Well, well, Belko, you became an officer just in time.

If you were a sergeant, you wouldn't have this honor.

Just think, in a few hours, you'll be flying out to the unknown.

Sir, I just want to... I should tell them, sir. I get airsick. I think I'm

up there, sir.

Takeoff minus one. Good, let's get started. Dr. Walsh, wait, don't go. He

want us to go. No, Dr. Walsh, we can't send this man up in that balloon.

Thank heavens I discovered it in time. What is it, doctor? This is Dr. Parker,

my assistant. How are you, doctor? We're glad to see you. We have to postpone

the flight indefinitely.

Postpone it, but why?

Well, we miscalculated on the pressurization in the cabin of the

Oh.

What a disappointment. Are you sure I can't go? The whole operation has to go

back to the drawing board. Oh, darn.

It may take years before we can attempt it again.

Yes. Oh, sir.

Make them let me go up there. It's unfair.

It's unfair to deprive me of the honor of being the first man to go up into the

ionosphere, sir. I admire your courage, young man.

Dr. Fogg, what about Lieutenant Bilko for our ocean test?

Splendid idea.

We have another project underway.

We are going to send a man in a diving bell to the floor of the ocean in order

to ascertain the amount of pressure the human ear can stand.

What?

What?

I don't understand what they're talking about, sir. I only know about Ionis' old

self. Please, make them send me up into that Ionis' old self.

Colonel Hall.

Hello, Captain Berger.

Anything new on the Bilko case? There must be some way we can get him to sign

that release. Yes, sir. Colonel, I vowed Bilko's back pay as a temporary

lieutenant. I've gotten all the figures together.

Are you sure that these figures are correct?

Positive, sir. I checked and double -checked.

This is too good to be true.

Too good to be true.

Oh, but it is, sir. Although a lieutenant gets a higher salary, a

sergeant makes out better. He doesn't have to pay for his uniforms, his meals,

for rent, for traveling. Over a period of years, that money adds up.

You mean that Bilko actually owes the government $6 ,000 a period of time?

Is there anything else, Colonel?

Yes. Give me that release.

And tell Bilko to come in. Yes, sir.

Come in, Lieutenant Vilko.

Oh, how nice that is to hear you say, sir.

Lieutenant Vilko. I must say it warms my heart, sir, to know that you have

finally accepted me as a fellow officer. But I understand the resistance you

showed was only natural, sir. Yes, I did show a little resistance, Lieutenant

Vilko.

Money, sir.

But let bygones be bygones. Aye, sir.

Oh, by the way, there's a financial accounting the government has to make

you. Oh, yes, something, some paltry $20 ,000 or so, sir.

That's right, $20 ,000 minus a few deductions. Oh, deductions. Oh, well.

Yes, you owe the government a paltry $6 ,000.

No, no, not me, sir. I was just temporary. No, sir, I'll sign the

you'll just give me the release, sir, I'll sign it. Well, now, I wouldn't want

to cheat you out of it. But, sir, I don't mind it. I'll sign it with my own

You see, and don't worry, sir. I have my sergeant's uniform ready. I'll have it

pressed and get right into it, sir. Oh, no, no, no, no. Bill, go now.

Go out into the bright new world and make your mark. Sir.

Congratulations, Sir Bilko. I know you'll make an excellent civilian.

But, sir, you don't understand. I haven't left the army. I've re

We'll be together another three years, sir.

Also seen in tonight's show were John

Borup as General Williams, Pope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall.

Jimmy Little as Sergeant Grover, Nick Saunders as Lieutenant Barker, and Ralph

Stantley as Mr. McCready.