Original subtitles

Comfortable, gentlemen. Mr. Crow will be back in a few minutes. Thank you, miss.

We'll wait. We're in no hurry. And thank you for your hospitality.

It's been very... Oh, what's the matter? Come here.

There it is. That's the place I was telling you about. Twin Oak Flats. The

future home of Bilko's Club Rendezvous. Besides, that's the old artillery range

right outside of camp. That's in the middle of nowhere. That's the beauty of

No MPs, no policemen, no customers.

Yeah, well... It gets around by the good food we serve, the toe -tapping music.

And if someone starts a game of chance in the back room, I can't be every place

at once, can I?

You know, for your club rendezvous, we'll need an emcee. I do that sort of

stuff. Do you?

Picture this, look. The lights go down, the band gives me one of those, ta -da!

Good evening, ladies and germs. This is your emcee for the night, Fielding

Zimmerman. Just flew in from the coast, and boy, are my arms tired.

Made a couple of pictures, one like this, one like this. The pictures are

released. They escaped!

Hey, don't gaze at me when you convince me.

You parked the cars.

I'm sorry, could I be the maitre d'? This way, madam, and may I recommend Z?

Ciao, ma 'am. Ooh -la -la!

Say, I didn't know you spoke French. Yes. Very good. You bought the foreign

When Mr. Crow gets in here, don't show any interest in Twin Oak Black. That's

all he's got to see. He'll jack up the price. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry,

can't... Bill. Ah, Mr. Crow.

Bill Cole, get out. Now, Mr. Crow, I... Out.

Is that your final word? Yes. Well, fellow members of the Army Planning

Commission, you heard him. Yes, the Army can't blame me when I come back without

the land. Let's go.

Land? Bill, go. Yes, the Army's planning a new camp location. But then again,

you're probably one of those people who don't approve of military expenditures.

Another camp? But I don't understand. You don't understand why the Army left

this million -dollar decision in our hands? After all, we are enlisted men.

We're going to live in the camp. We know what to look for. But then again, why

take up your time? May I use your phone? Yes, of course.

A new army. Excuse me, do you know the number of the Ace Realty Company?

The Ace Realty? Yes. They'll rob you blind. They will? I can show you some

wonderful tracks. They'll be ideal for your purposes.

Well, gentlemen, as long as we're here. Now, this is a beautiful piece of land.

Oh, this ought to be right. Look at it, 200 ,000 acres. Hey, Sarge, that's not

the price.

Yes. You're probably right, Commissioner Dortman, and it's much too large, will

you? Oh, well, I have a place here. Of course, it's only 6 ,000 acres. Excuse

me, this intrigues me.

What about this place right here?

Twin Oak Flats? That's nothing. It's only two acres. Perfect for our needs.

We'll take it if the price is right.

Well, what do you do with two acres and a broken down cottage? Well, we'll get

out in the club.

A club? Yes, what conventional government needs is to go and build the

club first, and then we build the camp around it. Right.

How much do you have, sir?

Sir, go get out. You don't seem to understand. That's not the AC. I have

down payment right here, $57 .36.

The down payment is $750.

Get out of here. I don't like your attitude.

We'll go to the Ace Realty Company. Good. Take my call.

If I make this man's case, if he ever shows up at the club rendezvous, no

ringside table.

All right, men, now make your goodbyes fast.

The National Guard bus leaves for Fort Baxter in 20 minutes.

Goodbye, honey, see you in two weeks. Don't, honey, me going away for two

while I'm stuck with the kids. Come on, honey.

Hey, Sarge, how's it for a ride in a bus back to Fort Baxter?

The colonel double -crossed me. He's using the staff car himself today.

Well, we're loaded, Ernie, but stick around. Maybe I can squeeze you in.

Touch. Right.

Hey, Sarge, what's the crowd?

National Guard encampment. Oh, yeah?

Oh, that's all we need. Having them on our necks for two weeks. What's the

matter with you? Where's your patriotism?

National Guard is a fine institution. That's what the Army needs. New men, new

blood. New money.

Money? Besides, the down payment for the club running. Oh, what else?

Maybe they didn't bring any money with them. Soon find out. All right, you men.

Hey, turn around.

All right.

Now, I don't want to alarm you men, but we've just been warned there's an

international gang of pickpockets in town.

We've got to get back to camp ahead of them and give them a royal welcome. This

is worth investing in a taxi. Come on.

Hey, Arnie.

It's okay. We've got room on the bus for you.

Bus? A public conveyance? Are you kidding?

Taxi. Taxi.

You're out. Any sign of that bus with the National Guard group yet? No, I

see it, Sarge. Good. We can use the extra time.

Look, Sarge, why don't we break on the next board trying to sell them these

souvenirs? Why not just one all -night poker game? No good.

These are civilians. If they lose, they complain to the colonel. We can't afford

the scandal. Hey, Sarge, I got the welcome to Ford Baxter Button. Very

mark the big ones a quarter. The little ones are a dime and sell them. You got a

vote for Landon Button here. Fix it.

I got the Pine Hill souvenir cushions, Sarge. Very big sellers.

Do you think I'll have to make up any more, Sarge? I got 16 sweethearts, 12

mothers, 5 dads.

You better make up one wife pillow. There's always a nut in the crowd. Okay,

Sarge. Sarge, you think they're going to buy all this junk? Don't use the word

junk. We are honest businessmen selling honest merchandise.

For all your trophies, Sarge, this is all we can get our hands on. We've got

label this junk. Here, mark this Hero Heater's gas mask.

How do you spell Hero Heater? Make it Hitler's gas mask.

Mark this. Field Marshal Montgomery's beret worn at the Battle of El Alamein.

Here. This cigar holder. Mark this.

Churchill's personal cigar holder.

Discarded at the altar conference.

Now, we need a clincher. A big one.

Flashback. Give me that hat.

But, Sarge!

All right.

That's perfect.

Mark this. General Douglas MacArthur's campaign hat.

Sarge, fix the camera. Good, good. That's for the camp fixes with my

charge 50 cents a pop for those.

Sarge, the guy who rented me the camera wanted me to take the pony, too.

I talked them out of it. You jerk. Maybe some of them will want pictures of the

cavalry. Why don't you thank me? Thank me. Here's some.

Let me have it. Here they

are, Ernie.

They're all yours for two weeks. Okay, Sergeant.

All mine.

And I'll take good care of them. All right.

Hey, Chad!

To the rear.

Present.

Would you mind joining us?

All right, men, as you were.

All right, men, welcome to Fort Baxter. And I'd like to point out something of

Eden. Eden, remember it. For the next two weeks, you are soldiers.

You'll be marching, you'll be drilling, you'll be on the rifle range. When you

get back to these barracks, you'll be too tired to move. You'll be too tired

go to the PX for the essentials, the little novelties that make life spicy.

So I've arranged a few things for your conveniences.

Send a picture of yourself in your army uniform home to your folks.

Damn you, Brown, without a button. Here's take home a famous trophy.

I need a cushion. Send one home to your sweetheart mother or dad.

All right, change.

All right, buddy.

How about a picture of you in your uniform to send home to the folks? Let's

cheese together. No, thanks.

You. Genuine souvenir pillow. Here, smell the pain.

All right, all right. Here we are. Here you. Come here.

Genuine war relic. This is General Douglas MacArthur's campaign hat. What

you selling this for? A...

$3 .98, but you'll have it for a minute. There's a name inside, Fleischman.

Fleischman? Well, of course. All MacArthur's clothes had the name

it. That's in case if he got captured by the enemy, they would know who he was.

Attention, men from the National Guard.

Report to the dispensary immediately for shots.

Oh, now, pay no attention. Look, I'm selling these things as a loss. This is

last day. The farmers were sad.

Sad. Sad.

Sad. Give up their guns. Yeah, they're gone. And there goes our down payment on

the twin old flats. Who needs shots suddenly? What a bust this is, huh? Get

National Guard red hearts. Get them while they're hot. Red.

Club rendezvous, goodbye, Sarge. Don't say that. I'll get the town payment. It

just means I'll have to find other ways to get it out of them. How about a

treasure hunt? No, no, I don't want to expose them to the rest of the camp.

how about a raffle? I know where I can get a turkey.

You're too smart for that. What should I think of something?

What's that noise out there? Don't tell me they're back already.

No, no, it's impossible. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't care what paper you're

from. You're not allowed in here. But we just want to ask Mr. Baker a few

questions about that big railroad bond issue his company's floating. Look, we

know he's here with the National Guard. While he's here, he's just another

soldier taking his training. Now, please go.

Anything wrong, Lieutenant?

Oh, Bilko, while the National Guard is here, I don't want any of these

allowed in the barracks.

Reporters? But it's a big financial story. Look, I'm sorry. Look, it's news.

It's a $5 million deal.

$5 million? Who deals? They deal who? Can't we guide him for a minute? No.

he's here with the National Guard, you can't see him. Who's him? All right,

come along. Go quietly. I'll take you to the gate.

There's a man in this barracks involved in a $5 million deal. Who? Who? Who? I

don't know. We'll find out. Why don't we just ask?

No, that's the last thing we'll do. We've got to play it cool. If he

They're coming. They're coming. Here, they're coming back. You're the one man

I'm worried about. Cool. You don't know anything. You understand?

The minute this joker found out, we know he's got $5 million in clefts at us.

Well, hello, fellas. Say, did they hurt you?

I don't want anybody hurting my men, you understand that? Are you rich?

Oh, Ben, you've had a tough day. Would you like me to send out for some

sandwiches, some caviar, or anything like that?

Sergeant, weren't we supposed to have a five -mile hike today?

A hike in this blistering sun? You must be kidding.

Oh, wait a minute. Maybe you're used to walking. Walking around your estate,

walking to the bank. Estate? Are you kidding? I live in the first room.

You? Yeah. We need a volunteer to report to the camp newspaper to handle a

society column. You know, coming out parties, debutantes, cotidians. I ain't

good at writing.

I have an announcement to make. We're a man shot on the polo team. Who wants to

play polo with the team? Andy.

Yeah, listen.

While I got you all here, I have an announcement to make. A lost and found

announcement. A wallet has been found containing $10 ,000.

Now, if any of you men thinks it belongs to you, please step forward.

Andy, Andy.

Sarge, Sarge, give up. All right, all right.

Break it up. But don't leave the barracks.

I'll think of something. Come on.

Did those shots bother you?

No, no, I didn't feel a thing. To tell you the truth, my mind's been on a

business matter I left unfinished.

Any trouble?

No, no, it's just that my office is about to float the biggest railroad bond

issue we've ever handled.

I stand to make about a quarter of a million dollars on this deal.

Naturally, I've been thinking about that.

Well, I'm not like you.

Soon as I get away from that meat counter down at the supermarket, I

everything. But you are a butcher? Yeah, yeah.

Now, 50 weeks a year, I'm behind that counter. Well, I am grinding Chuck,

arguing with the lady customers in and out of the freezer. Boy, I tell you,

rough. Gee, I wish I could be like you.

How are things at the market?

Oh, well, it's like any other business, you know. We have our ups and we have

our downs.

But the secret of making money in the market is buying right.

And selling rank. You know when to buy and sell, eh? Oh, sure.

Well, that's why I run the market.

It turned out that cork shops were selling for 69 cents a pound all over

Don't they list their occupations? No. Name, rank, serial number. All right.

Read me the names. I can tell a rich -sounding name when I hear it. Sgt.

Sgt. Sgt. Oh, big mouth is here. Look, he gave us enough trouble. Stay out of

this. We're very busy. Go ahead.

Mellon. No, no. Sarge, I found him. I tell you, I found him. Jackson.

Doesn't sound rich enough. Look, Sarge, you remember you told me my locker

looked like a pigsty? I went to clean it out. You bought me? It was a mess.

Well, anyway, I was standing next to these two guys. They started talking,

started listening.

Farnsworth. Hey, do you remember Farnsworth? Wow, that's got a nice

one of them said to the other, how are things in the market? Hopkins.

And the other one said, the secret of making money in the market is buying and

selling right. Then he said, he runs the market. So he practically admitted he

was a millionaire.

Nicholson. What did you say?

Nicholson. Not you. What did you just say?

Okay. You remember you told me my locker looked like a pigsty, so I went down...

No, no, no. You said buying and selling. Buying and selling? Yes. Oh, yeah. I

found the millionaire.

How did you find him? It was the strangest thing. You remember you told

locker looked like a pigsty. I went... Who is it? The big fella with the

had the bump next to mine. Who's that?

The Whip. The Whip. He's got a green -sounding name. We're in. We're in. You

know Paparelli. I better check on his mouth.

Where is he?

By my locker. You remember you told me my locker looked like...

I've spilled hair tonic all over those shoes.

I hate to put them in the locker. Oh, here. Wrap them in this paper. I'm all

through with this. So what do you know? Wall Street Journal. Wall Street

Journal. Good boy.

If you don't choose, how rich can you be?

How are you, Private DeWitt? How are you, Sergeant?

Sergeant? My friends call me Ernie. Ernie, do I have to... Nobody talking to

you. How they treating you around here, Private?

Oh, just fine, just fine. I guess I'll get used to the bed. Bed? What's wrong

with the bed? Well, it sags a little. Not much. No?

No, please, a little is too much.

Get him a new bed. A new bed? Now, look, Sergeant.

Ernie. The name is Ernie.

Well, look, Ernie.

I don't want any special privileges.

I am just the same here as anybody else.

Do you hear what he just said? He doesn't want special privileges. It's

told you a million times, the bigger they are, the nicer they are. It's not

you've got in here that counts. It's what you've got in here.

I'll buy that, Sergeant. Fight off!

I can say private to it, you're going to get a new bed with a double inner

spring and a foam rubber tufted mattress, boost down pillars and an

blanket. Where am I going to find a bed like that? In my room.

Here you, pack your stuff and bring it in there. Oh, but I... Oh,

let me tell you your schedule.

Eight o 'clock, there'll be breakfast in bed. Then calisthenics, which you will

watch the men do from your window. Of course, then there's lunch. Just the

buffet, but it's quite lavish. Oh, Sarge.

Ernie. Ernie.

Okay. Show him inside, Paperelli. Make him feel right at home.

That's it, fellas.

We've got it. That $750 payment is in the bag. What do we do now, sir? Yeah,

that we've got the pigeon in the coop. Oh, I don't want you to refer to him as

pigeon. I'd rather think of him as a beautiful hothouse fowl, which we will

cultivate in nature until the petals grow and one by one we will pick those

petals. Somebody already has an option on twin oak plants.

Huh? No.

I'm sorry. I'm not at liberty to say.

Now, look, Mr. Crow, it's a matter of five or ten more dollars. We can settle

this over the conference table. It's not a matter of money, Bilko. You're too

late.

Well, look.

Hello. Hello!

He hung up.

What did he say?

He gave me some mishmash about somebody else putting up an option on it. On that

broken down piece of property?

It's very obvious. He found out that we'll be in back by Franklin DeWitt, the

wolf of Wall Street.

Now we've got to move fast. Well, do you think we ought to hit DeWitt now?

Yeah. Is he soft enough enough for that touch that he'll get us the club

rendezvous? I think so, but we'd better not tell him it's for a nightclub. No?

Then what do you want to tell him? You know how these rich guys are. They're

always contributing with some worthy cause.

Not a nightclub.

Go on, Ed.

We'll tell them it's for an old soldier's home.

So he gets the idea. We'll take him out to Twin Oak Blast right now. Take him

out there?

Why, it's practically open for business. I've already contacted the Dynascorp.

Gentlemen, the plans are finally complete for our test.

The new landmine, which can be detonated by radio microwave from a passing

plane. General, as I understand it, we're not using any of our regular

grounds. That's right. Because of the need for secrecy in this operation, the

Army has purchased an isolated piece of land in Kansas.

At this moment, a pilot is waiting to take off in a plane from Topeka Air Base

and set off the landmine by remote control.

Sir, can you show us where the mine has been planted? Right outside Fort Baxter.

Here, on an old abandoned artillery range at Twin Oak Flat.

You finish wiring the mine yet?

Yes, Lieutenant.

She's all ready to be set off. Good. Let's get out of here. We don't want to

anywhere around when that plane comes over and sets off the mine. Why? It's

going to be some explosion.

Let's go.

Pilot to tower. We're now approaching target area.

Stand by.

Come on in.

Come on in. This is it, Private Lewis.

Welcome to Twin Oak Flats.

Isn't this a colorful place?

Don't stand there.

Ernie, this is going to be an old soldier's home. Looks like a dump to me.

Franklin, use your imagination.

This building won't be standing here long.

It'll be completely leveled and then rebuilt from the ground up.

Oh, Ernie, it looks like a bad investment to me. Franklin, this suits

purposes perfectly.

But an old soldier's home way out here in the middle of nowhere. Franklin,

be amazed how many old soldiers wander around.

Did I hear a knock at the door?

Oh, look, Sergeant Vilko. We have a guest.

Oh. Come in.

I am an old soldier. Will someone show me where I can find an old soldier's

to rest my weary head? He remembers.

You are home at last.

He looks familiar. Why wouldn't he look familiar? He has the face of the

American door boy. You've seen him on posters, on stamps.

Stop the Kaiser.

Buy Liberty Buns. We'll stop the...

Your work is done. You have fought the good fight.

Gee, Sergeant, an old soldier's home. That's a fine idea. Come over by the

fireside, old -timer. Come over and rest. Rest those warriors at home.

Can't you picture this?

When the evening sun sets and the old -timers put aside the checkerboards, one

of the old -timers takes out a harmonica and they all sing.

Tanting tonight.

What's with those planes?

Look into that, will you?

Tower to pilot.

Why didn't you set off the landmine?

Over. Pilot to tower. I owe the shot to target.

Making another run. Won't miss it this time. Over. And that's how we won the

Battle of the Argonne Forest.

How can anybody listen to this without being moved?

I'm moved, Sarge. I'll give a month's pay to the old soldier's home. Bless

I'll give two months' pay.

Sarge, here's my watch. Watch. I'll sell my car.

I'll give two dollars.

Old soldier, imagine that he wants to give more, Ernie. If all of these fellas

can sacrifice for such a worthy cause, the least I can do is join them. He's

joining.

I give a certain amount to Charlie.

He gives. He gives. And I've decided that this year, I'm going to give it all

you for your old soldier's home.

All?

Gee.

I never regret it. You've never given to a... Wait a minute. What are you...

Isn't this time for your afternoon nap?

Take a gap.

is going to give world.

You know, those rich people give to charities that means thousands.

Why won't we have a nightclub? Well, that'll just be a small part of the

A hotel?

Of course. You're standing right in the middle of the lobby of the Bilko Hilton.

Look at those planes. What do they want? What?

Ah, thank you. Wait, it's in the front of me. Where would you have me sit,

Sergeant? In the back. Will you hurry up in the back?

Don't worry.

I'm going to write a nasty note to the Air Force about their planes flying over

our property. Well, gentlemen, take your last look at Twin Oaks. Next time you

see it, you won't recognize it.

Hey, Ernie.

Look. Down.

Close eyes. Right on the nose.

This is a secret test area. What are you...

What do you mean, a secret test area?

We just explored a new landmine. It's a good thing you weren't in that house.

Ernie? Ernie, did you hear that?

We could have been killed.

Ernie? Hey, Ernie!

Ernie, wait for us!

Take it easy, will you, Sarge? Yeah, you're safe now, Ernie. You're back at

camp. I can still hear those planes. They're after us. Relax.

Boy, after that experience at Twin Oak Flats, I'm ready for the old soldier's

home. So we won't use Twin Oak Flats. We'll find some other place. He's right,

Ernie. You know what DeWitt promised? A big contribution.

Yeah, how about that? What am I worried about?

How are you, Ernie? Hello, Franklin. How are you?

Ernie, I know how badly you felt about losing that property. Yes. But I also

know how close this project is to your heart. So here's my contribution.

Did I tell you? When they got it in the air. Did I tell you?

Franklin, with this check, I owe Bill the gaudiest, the flashiest $20.

$20?

You're missing a couple of zeros, Franklin. I usually give only $15 a year

charity, but this was such a worthy cause, I decided to give $20.

$20?

I'm just a butcher in a supermarket.

Butcher? That's all I am, Ernie. Now, wait a minute. There's a millionaire in

his barracks. I happen to know there's a millionaire in his barracks.

Oh, you mean Mr. Baker.

That's the fellow that installed my TV set. Baker. Say, Ernie, I don't want to

complain or anything, but that TV set really kind of jiggles. I don't... Get

out! I think you put him on KP.

That was yesterday. Today you put him on latrine duty.

It's not too late to make it up. Baker!

I was just looking around.

I knew who you were. You know what we're doing to you, making you do all the

drilling. But you've been a jolly good sport about it. Why is he in white

clothes? Didn't anybody tell him I invited him to dinner tonight?

Oh,

Chaplain, I didn't see you there. How are you, Padre?

Bilko, Mr. Baker has been telling me about your idea for an old soldier's

Well, I can explain about that. You don't have to explain, Bilko. It's a

wonderful idea.

Well, that's what I was going to explain.

Mr. Baker has given me a check, thanks to you, Bilko, that will cover the whole

project.

$20 ,000.

I knew you'd be pleased, Ernest.

An old soldier's home, and it was your idea.

I insist you let us put your name on the cornerstone, Mr. Baker, after all.

Well,

Sarge, I guess that's the end of Club Rendezvous, huh?

Only temporarily.

Temporarily? Yes, in 20 or 30 years, when we go to the old soldier's home, we

can open a club.

All that brain work, all that conniving, $20.

Hey, Sarge, Sarge, I got some new jokes for that MC job at the Club Rendezvous.

Listen to this. Listen to this. My hotel room is so small, when you get out of

bed, the doorknob gets in the bed with you. The room is so small, the mice are

walking around hunchback.

Very good. I like that in here.

Here's your first week's salary.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover.

Stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.