Original subtitles

Hello,

is that Brack Bilko there?

Oh, he ain't, huh?

Well, tell him Patsy. called, and that with me, taking bets on horses is a

business. And you can tell him if he don't get up that 78 bucks he owes me,

won't be able to get up.

$18?

Marge. Yes, Mr.

Adamopoulos? This check for $18, I can't read the signature. See if you can make

it out.

General Douglas MacArthur.

He didn't forget.

What do you mean we aren't going steady anymore?

Because Sergeant Bilko made me queen of the motor pool Mardi Gras. So?

So if I'm going to be a queen, he says I can't be seen holding hands with a guy

who's a chiropodist.

Bilko. Wait till I get my hands on that guy. I'll trim his corns.

All I know is that Bilko hasn't made a single payment on the bracelet.

I hate to come to you, but who can find him?

That does it. I'm through with him. I never want to see him again. I'm

Could I have the bracelet, please?

post, so... What happens if I don't give it back?

I have to have him arrested.

All right, here's your bracelet.

Keep it a secret and have him arrested anyway.

Sarge, it's okay, Sarge. It's us. Sarge. Sarge. Hey, Sarge.

Hold on.

Did you give me the fertile papers? Yeah, everything was all set. Why do we

to sneak out of here so fast? Because they're starting to crowd me. I've got

make a tactful retreat now. Did you figure a way to get me off the post?

all arranged, Ernie. We're going to sneak you out in a garbage truck.

Are you with me or against me? Look, Sarge, with the enemies you've got, it's

either a garbage truck or an ambulance, so take your choice.

A garbage truck looks good to me. Look, how could it happen? All at once, the

whole world against me.

Somebody's coming.

What's that? That's the secret knock.

Secret knock? You'd better get him in here before he wakes up the whole camp.

Why'd you open the door if I wasn't through with the secret knock?

This is it, Sarge. You like it.

That's it.

You expect me to get into that?

Oh, Sarge, don't worry. I tested it. Look.

Hey, it's cozy in there.

It all depends on what you're used to. Hey, Sarge, I've got the truck outside.

Cassidy driving it? No, Collins.

Good. I owe Cassidy $20. Get him out of here. Come on.

Get out of here.

Come on, Sarge. Get in. Is this the cleanest one you can get, Paparelli?

the best. We got it from the officer's club.

Come on, Sarge. Get out of here. Come on.

Something's gone wrong at one time. The only way I can get into more trouble if

there was two of me. Let's go.

Herbert, there isn't a thing wrong with you physically. Not a thing.

How can you say that, Doctor?

I can't eat. I can't sleep. My hands are constantly trembling. My stamp

collection is a mess.

My man Martin can tell you. Isn't that so, Martin?

Yes, sir. Your trouble is nerves, Herbert. Nothing but nerves.

If you weren't Herbert Penfield III with $80 million, there wouldn't be a thing

wrong with you. You've got to learn to cope with your responsibilities.

Oh, I can't, Doctor. I can't. I'm just too tense.

You're much too sensitive, Herbert.

Yes. Mrs. Crown is waiting to see you. Oh, get out her car and tell her I'll be

with her in a few minutes.

Oh, Herbert, one other thing. How much do you weigh?

In front of her?

That'll be all, nurse.

I weigh 160 pounds.

Well, why couldn't you tell me that when the nurse was here?

That's 160 stripped.

Herbert, I'm not only your doctor.

I'm your friend.

You're a young man. Get out. Enjoy life.

Meet people.

People. People. They're my biggest problem. People.

They just look at me as a walking bank book. Why don't you go someplace where

nobody knows you, where you'll be accepted just for yourself?

Oh, is that possible? Of course.

And once you find out that people like you, and not your money... What? You'll

be cured.

I know just the place, sir. A little town where my father was born. Where's

that, Martin?

Roseville, Kansas.

I've never heard of that. No one has ever heard of this. Wait a minute.

Here it is, Herbert.

It's perfect.

Roseville, Kansas.

Population, 8 ,000.

Fort Baxter, nine miles from town.

Well, it does sound wonderful. Martin, make all the arrangements.

Yes, sir. Oh, just think, a place where nobody knows me and people will accept

me for just what I am, just plain Herbert Penfield III.

make the connections for New York? Oh, a track 32.

Thank you.

Hey, Sarge, we ain't got much, though. Why don't we stay here in Chicago?

No good. I want to put as much space between me and Roseville as possible.

Do you think it'll be safe in New York? Well, if it isn't, I always got the

ocean between me and Europe.

Hench! Come on!

Coming, Sarge. I beg your pardon. Can you tell me where we make the

for Roseville, Kansas?

Oh, a track 14.

Thank you. Oh, wait a minute. It's a track 14. Yes? I thought you were going

New York.

New York?

Why, I'm leaving New York.

Doctor's orders.

But you... Oh, doctor's orders.

You're coming from New York and you're going to New York.

Have a nice trip.

hotel, we'll never get away with it. Yeah, Ernie, this place is too swell.

Come on, let's go to the Y.

Let's go to the Y. We can't afford the Y. That's why we're going to stay here

the cut.

Do what I tell you, just follow me.

Yeah, bye.

Bye. Quickly remove that plant. Quickly, out.

Time is money. Don't just stand up. Oh, help him. He doesn't. I'll take that

monstrosity out. It destroys the composition of the entire lobby. What

doing? Put that plant down.

Do you mind? We have our work to do. That chandelier must go. And these

Get them out. They clash.

Just a minute. Just a minute. I'm the assistant manager here. Thank you. We

won't need your help. We've been doing this for years. Men.

These carpets. They jar me. Out with it. Would you step aside, please? I insist

on knowing what is going on here.

Oh, good heavens, didn't my editor call you? Editor?

Yes, the good hotel keeping magazine, the innkeeper's bible.

Oh, yes, next month we're devoting our entire issue to your hotel.

Yes, and of course, we all need pictures.

Hmm, the cover. Do you see him on the cover? Oh, yes. Oh, yes, these are my

photographers. But I never heard of him. Oh, don't you worry. When we get

through rearranging this lobby, you won't recognize it. I have some

thoughts. Oh, here, madam, please, please, here. You're unbalancing the

No, Lord.

No time. One week and we're through. Of course, I will need accommodations for

my staff and myself.

Don't fight me on this.

I see him. For the cover.

Don't you see him for the cover? Oh, a double bedroom will be sufficient.

I'm very sorry, but the Carlton Plaza does not allow pictures taken in its

lobby. You don't seem to understand. This is a good hotel -keeping magazine.

Think of the publicity.

Publicity? This hotel has a strict policy of no publicity.

Oh, it works out perfect.

Our magazine has a very small circulation.

I'm very sorry. I don't know, sir. It sounds like an argument.

Great heavens!

Is that... Why, it is. That's Herbert Penfield III.

What is Haskins doing?

Well, I assure you, as long as I'm around, you'll not work for Conrad

Excuse me, sir. Haskins will use the Poseidon. Let me handle this.

Sir, I can't tell you how glad I am to welcome you to the Carlton Plaza.

But he said he was from a magazine. The policy of the hotel. We have no policy

where this gentleman is concerned.

Let that be a lesson to you. It shows you the bigger they are, the nicer they

are. You mean I should give them a room? A room?

Haskins, are you out of your mind? Is the penthouse suite occupied? The

penthouse suite? Yes, the penthouse suite. You hate him. The penthouse

Penfield III.

He said he was from a magazine. He owns chains of magazines. Now get him the

penthouse suite. But the penthouse suite is occupied by the Maharaja of

Hindupan. Well, get him out! Oh, no, no, no, no. It would be so messy moving him

and his elephants.

Have you any other accommodations?

We could give you the royal suite.

The royal suite? Well, I don't know. I prefer something more democratic. The

presidential suite is vacant.

Now, there you have it. He is a nice chap after all.

The presidential suite. What can I do? I impress for time.

Please oblige me and at least take a look at it. Well, I'll look at it, but I

promise you nothing. No hard feelings, but I'm sorry.

He's off the cover. You're off.

Oh, my. What a quaint, peaceful little town.

It hasn't changed much since my father's time. It's just the way he described it

to me, sir. You know something, Martin, I do believe that doctor was right. I

feel better already.

My, breathe that healthy, fresh air.

Yes, sir. We're in the heart of a dust bowl.

Splendid, splendid. Paper, paper, get your Roseville Gazette. Roseville

isn't that great? Boy, I'll take a paper.

Not from me, you deadbeat.

What did he say?

I wouldn't pay any attention to him, sir. He's just a young hoodlum. Oh,

mind. Let's find a place for the hotel.

Yes, ma 'am. Oh, officer, can you tell us... Listen, I'm giving you fair

warning. I don't want any trouble around here. Now, get off my bit and stay out!

Oh, heavens, Martin, that officer was decidedly unfriendly. Well, that must be

the way they are in this town, sir, when they don't know you.

Well, that's what I wanted, not to be known.

We'll find the hotel ourselves.

So! So? I've caught up with you at last.

You crook. Give me that jacket. What is it?

Steal. Help.

Help. Please. Help. Help.

This man is trying to steal this coat. Here. Here. Give me that coat.

Here you are, Frank.

And you, wise guy, I told you to stay off this beat. Now get along.

I like it, sir.

There's a splendid view of the park. I like it. And at the first opportunity,

we'll move you into your regular suite in the penthouse. My regular suite. And

you see, I even remembered your favorite fruit, tangerine. Oh, splendid.

I'll just make sure the air conditioning is the temperature you like. You do

that. Boy.

Boy, Ernie, it really worked. Did you hear that? He fell for it like a ton of

bricks. Let's talk about it. Don't be an idiot. He fell for nothing. It's

obvious he's mistaking me for somebody else. Somebody else? Yeah? Well, who are

you? I don't know who I am, but you can bet whoever I am, I'm loaded with gold.

We'll take your number. Take their numbers for later. Is everything to your

satisfaction, sir? Well, I'll manage to muddle through. Then I won't disturb

you. Well, there's just one thing. Would you mind calling the desk and see if

there's any mail for me?

Oh, certainly, sir.

Hello, desk.

Is there any mail for suite 1203?

Yes, I'm up here with him.

Oh, no, sir. Anything else, sir? Oh, well, while you're there, would you mind

calling the barbershop and make an appointment for me? Oh, certainly, sir.

use my name. Certainly, sir.

Tell them my name.

It doesn't matter to me. Use my name.

Fritz, would you send up a barber to suite 1203 as soon as possible?

Who else would stay in 1203?

That's right.

Yes, it's your favorite customer.

He's back with us.

That's right.

All taken care of, sir. There's one more thing.

My rich young friends here, finding out it's my birthday, they want to have a

cake for me tonight. Could you arrange that? Oh, certainly. That's our

specialty. Oh, splendid. I suppose you want my name on the cake. Of course.

That's the way they are. Well, as you wish. But it will take a few hours.

Oh, it doesn't matter. What will the cake be like? I mean, that's what I...

will be the usual cake.

Rosebuds, vanilla icing, three layers.

Yes. And...

It will have an inscription.

Yes, yes. And the inscription will say, best wishes and happy birthday to. Yes.

And here we put in your name. No, but I want to know, how, how will you put in

my name? In chocolate or strawberry, whatever you wish.

Yes, sir. Oh, sir.

May I say what an honor it is for this hotel to have as its guests once again

Herbert Penfield III.

Did you hear that, sir? I got it. I got it. I know who I am. I'm Herbert

Penfield III. Yeah.

What's wrong with the people in this town? They seem to hate me.

I must say they are a bit cool, sir.

Well, I want it to be an unknown. I guess this is the price I must pay.

Uh -huh. So this is where you've been hiding now.

All right, you Welsh, hand it over.

Another one. The people in this town are jacking on you.

I mean the 78 bucks.

Whatever are you talking about? Who are you? Who am I? I'll give you three

guesses before I break your nose. I'm not fooling around. I want my dough,

Cole. Look, there's some mistake.

I'm Herbert Penfield III.

Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn't realize I'd made a dreadful mistake. Please

forgive me. All right, I accept your apology. Thank you. And I'll accept the

bucks or else I'll break your neck. Come on, get it done.

Martin, Martin! You'd better pay him, sir.

All right, this is an outrage, but with the protection you get from the police,

this seems to be the trickiest. Here, here's your money.

It's a trick. The dough's phony.

I assure you that money is genuine.

I made it myself.

Good luck, Mr.

Barton. Oh, yeah?

In that case, you and me are going to the bank. You're going to change these

bills and give it to me in quarters.

Come on!

of this Penfield. It's got to be in who's who. Sure, all the big shots are

there. Wait a minute, you're not kidding.

Here I am. Ah, Herbert Penfield III. Look at this.

A Harvard graduate, launched at the Union Shore Club, the Palm Beach Club,

Rackham Tennis Club, the Englewood Country Club. Boy, he must be loaded.

I'd like to have what he pays in dues. Say anything else? I don't know what you

mean. Wait a minute, look, they even give his phone number.

If he's out of town, we got it, Nate.

Hello, operator, would you get me Butterfield 8 -2598?

You know, if a man answers, I may be talking to myself.

He's got to be a butler. He's got to have a butler.

Hello?

Hello, is this the Penfield residence?

May I speak to Mr. Penfield, please? Herbert Penfield III, if you don't mind.

He's out of town?

Oh, that is a disappointment. How long will he be away?

Indefinitely, you say?

Yeah, well, it is a disappointment. Oh, no, just tell him his friend was here.

Yes, Rodney.

Rodney, the tangerine grower. He'll understand. No message.

We got it made. Sarge, what do we do now? Well, for openers, we'll demolish

slowly. We'll start with room service. Call room service. I don't want them

there washed up. Right.

Hello? Hey, give me room service.

Room service, this is suite 1203. Would you set up a menu right away?

Thank you.

We have room service as fast.

Yes? They told me down at the desk that Herbert Penfield was in this suite.

Herbert Penfield?

What do you want to see him about?

I'm his sister, Helen.

His sister?

Where is he?

Well, he's not here now. See, he wasn't doing very well. He doesn't get to like

these tangerines. And when a room service comes, I'll account.

Herbert!

Well, this is room service.

Your sister came to visit. Your sister was anxious to see you. Well, sis, how's

the rest of the family? Herbert, I have been so anxious to speak to you.

Well, sis, I have been rather busy. No, you don't, Herbert.

You've been running away from responsibility all your life. This is

you're going to face it. Now, sis, you don't understand. You're interrupting

reunion here. These old chums of mine from Harvard, we were in the same

fraternity. We were just about... Oh,

sis, you're throwing your tantrums. It's all very clear to me. I know exactly

what you're up to. I know what you're doing here.

You do? Yes, and don't you try to worm your way out, Herbert.

You're just trying to avoid the annual family meeting this afternoon.

Oh. Don, sis, you knew.

Oh, well, dear, you must get to the meeting. If somebody doesn't stand up to

Uncle Randolph, he'll take control of everything.

Oh, I don't know. It's not so important. Uncle Randolph is a decent sort of a

chap. He's an overbearing tyrant. I always found him rather aggressive, but

been good to me.

Herbert, he's treated you abominably. You know, I never trusted him all the

Then you'll be there.

Well, I'd like to, sis, but... Herbert, you're my only brother, and I love you.

and I love you.

Your sister loves you.

She's a weak -kneed jellyfish.

Oh, Sid. And there's one time when you could really help your family, you won't

do it.

But I'm ashamed of you. Please, Sid, don't cry. There must be... You know

Randolph always gets his own way and you could never do anything about it.

Remember when you were a little boy and you wanted a bicycle?

Who wouldn't let you have it? Uncle Randolph. And when you were 15 and

have your curls cut so you could look like other boys? Who wouldn't let you?

Uncle Randolph. Uncle Randolph. And when you went away to college and you wanted

to have a car, who wouldn't let you have it? Uncle Randolph. And now you're

going to come to me and stand up to it. Who says I won't? You will. Yes. That

sneaky Uncle Randolph is running this family long enough.

Uncle Randolph. The sisters love him.

I had no

idea that the back of any quarters is $78 a pound.

That will be $52.

Thank you, pardon?

No, Bilko, don't try any tricks.

Bilko, why does everyone take me for Bilko?

Because Bilko takes everybody.

But there's some mistake. My name is not Bilko. Of course not. Your name is

General Douglas MacArthur, General Mark Clark, Captain Peter Downton.

Miss Bilko, did you sign all these checks?

Yes, you did, Bilko. And you better pay me my $52 before I call the cops.

Martin, pay the $52, sir.

Yes, I guess that would be the simplest thing to do. All right, I'll pay you.

I don't understand it. Here, here, my man.

Mars, look.

These things take the day off.

It's a holiday.

Big, big, big, big, big, big. I'm much more with the people in this town. They

must all be crazy. They keep mistaking me for some scoundrel named Bilko. Let's

get back to the hotel and get out of here.

There you are, Ernie Bilko.

All right, miss, how much? I don't want anything from you.

Well, that is a novelty, isn't it? I just want to tell you that the jeweler

and took the bracelet back.

Bracelet? Heavens, what bracelet?

The one you didn't make the payments on. You know, the one with the inscription,

to Joan forever with love. You don't even know the meaning of the word.

Well, I must admit, I've had very little experience with it.

I know.

People are always trying to give to you, Ernie, but all you can do is take.

So I just want to tell you that I never want to see you again. Goodbye.

Oh, please, don't. Don't cry, Joan.

Oh, Ernie, why must it always be like this? You know how I feel about you.

Don't cry, Joan. I'll get you another bracelet.

Honey, it isn't a bracelet. It's the kind of person you are.

What kind of person am I?

Well, suppose I try to change.

Would you? Well, I could try.

Suppose we just have a cup of tea and perhaps a stroll in the park.

A cup of tea?

A stroll in the park? Yes, and then we could stop at the Jewelers and pick you

up that bracelet.

Oh, Ernie, you do care for me.

Well, let's put it this way.

I care for no other girl. Oh, Ernie.

Martin. Martin.

Okay, okay, Bilko. I finally caught up with you. Now, what are you trying to do

with Lucille?

Lucille? Lucille? Don't try to weasel out of it, Bilko. Putting all those

ideas in her head. Trying to make her think she's too good for a chiropodist.

Oh, Jim, don't start any trouble. I'll start plenty of trouble.

Ernie, Bilko, this time we're really through.

Just a minute, Romeo.

You've got some explaining to do.

Now, what have you got against her up at this part?

Let's get on with it. Let's get on with it. We

all know that Herbert won't come. Now, let's get on with the meeting.

Oh, I'll be silly to tell you, Herbert. Now, remember your promise. Dear, just

let me handle it.

Well, everybody's here, I see. Herbert, aren't you going to say hello to your

Aunt Jennifer? Well, of course I am, you dear. Why don't you tell me you've been

to Paris?

Oh, but that gown is a dead giveaway. So chic, so daring. It reeks of the Rudy

Latte. Did you hear that, Hugo?

Ah, Uncle Hugo.

How is your wife?

But I'm not married.

I don't think that every chorus girl at the Latin Quarter doesn't know it.

Chorus girl at the Latin Quarter? Oh, you slide dog. What is it they call you?

Poopsie? Poopsie?

Shh, not in front of that janitor.

Ah, Uncle Randolph.

I'm Carson Jasper. Well, of course you are. I was just about to say, ah.

Uncle Randolph, where is he?

Over there, talking to Helen.

Oh, yes, I see. Well, what are you doing here on such a nice day? Why aren't you

out playing polo?

I brought you some stamps for your collection.

Oh, isn't that sweet? I'll have such fun pasting this in, yes? What did you say

those girls called me?

Poopsie? Poopsie?

Oh, Herbert, you've finally decided to come to a family meeting. Well, that

voice, that could belong to one person.

Uncle Randolph, am I right?

Herbert, you look awful.

Why don't you get some exercise?

Because you wouldn't buy me a bicycle.

I don't want to hear any more about that.

Now, let's get this meeting started.

Let's all be seated for the meeting.

The annual meeting of the Penfield Industries will now come to order. Thank

for the stand, San Chen Chen.

What did you say those girls called me? I'll write it out for you. It's a little

spicy.

I have some boxes which I'll pass out to you.

You can sign them over to me, and then we will consider the meeting closed.

Oh, well, what's the hurry? Why don't we chat a bit, say, about financial

matters? Oh, it's just a lot of figures. You wouldn't understand them anyway.

Oh, it'd be a lot of fun trying to, wouldn't it? I'd like to hear it. It's

ridiculous. It would take hours. Oh, no, no. It'll only take a minute. It's so

intriguing, these things.

There it is. Black and white income, outcome, profit, loss.

Oh, here's an interesting item.

Randolph Penfield Entertainment expenses, $32 ,000.

This is nonsense.

$32 ,000 worth of nonsense.

I am president of the company. I don't have to explain anything. Randolph,

you're being unfair.

Here, here, dear Aunt Jennifer, let's not be hasty after all. You all elected

Uncle Randolph president. We didn't elect him president. Randolph just told

he was president, and that was that.

What was that? No democratic election? May I remind you all that this is

America? And we Penfields date way back before the American Revolution.

What can we do? What can we do? We can exercise our rights as Americans and

a democratic election.

And it's about time there was some new blood in this outfit.

I move that we vote for a new president.

Would anybody like to make a nomination?

How about you, poopsie? I mean, Uncle Hugo. Yes, I nominate you.

Herbert Enfield III.

Oh, bless you, that is splendid. Who would like to second that nomination?

And Jennifer, oh, that gown is destroying me.

I'll second it.

Bless your heart. Well, all those in favor?

Aye. All those opposed?

No. Herbert, you've done it. You're the new president.

I'm no part of this. I'm leading.

How about a kiss for the new president?

Oh, but I'm so proud to be your sister.

Yes, of course.

Very, very.

Yes, we are. All right, here we go.

The meeting will come to an end. Mr. President. Yes, you go.

May I be excused? Of course, Uncle Hugo.

One thing more, Herbert.

Where's the Latin Quarter?

Hello. Who's this?

Oh, Ralph.

Hi.

Hello. I'm not doing anything.

Sergeant Hogan? Yes. Just a minute, Ralph. Oh, thank you.

What's all this about?

Who's it from?

I don't know.

Dear Joan, I want you to know that you're the nicest person I've ever

I will always treasure the memory of you.

Please think kindly of Ernie Vilko.

Hello,

Ralph. Yeah, well, no, about tonight.

I just remembered.

I am busy.

Do you ever spend a furlough in such style before? No, and I'd hate to be

a guy... Penfield gets the bill. Are you kidding? He got the biggest bargain he

ever got in his life. He was in a mess. I straightened out everything for him. I

wish somebody would have done the same thing for me while I was away.

Where do we make the connections to Roseville, Kansas? Track 12.

What track to New York, please? Track 14.

Penfield?

Bilko? It's him.

It's him.

Martin. Martin!

Also seen in tonight's cast were Gaines Kincaid as the chiropodist, Ann Flood as

the girlfriend, Paul Ibsen as Patsy, Danny Occo as Adamopoulos, Ben Yaffe as

jeweler, Charles Jordan as the cop, and Lee Krieger as the information desk

attendant.