Original subtitles

Yah! Yah!

They're a real thing, aren't they? Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Go ahead, Reg. Show me the other bag.

For 12 years, I've been tramping these steaming, stinking jungles, searching

diamonds. Now, at last, I found them.

They are real, huh?

Reg, you really hit it this time. These are the purest diamonds I've ever seen.

Congratulations. You're a millionaire.

I'm going right to Paris. I'm going with you. I'll buy the plane.

You coming with us? No, count me out. Count you out? Yeah, now that I finally

made it, the first thing I'm going to do is keep a promise I made to myself many

years ago. A promise? Yep.

Fifteen years ago in Guadalcanal, another soldier saved my life.

If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't be here now.

Well, what are you going to do?

Well, he doesn't know it, but half of everything I have is his.

I'm going to hire private detectives to find him right away.

Boy, has he hit a jackpot. He deserves it.

The only thing is, he's such a sweet, lovable, unassuming guy that I know I'm

going to have trouble making him take the money. What's his name?

The sweetest guy that ever lived.

Sergeant Ernie Bilko.

Sergeant again.

I told you, Sarge, I'm broke.

I'm broke. He's lying. Go to Webby Park. It's great to come. He's clean, Ernie.

Not a dime. I don't understand you, Dortmund. What happens to all your

don't know, Sarge. You never tell me. All right, get back.

Who's next?

Paparelli. Ah, Paparelli the hoarder.

Paparelli, baby boy, a sergeant who loves you, wants to see you. Looking

come in here, Paparelli, baby.

Yes, sir?

I don't understand it. Here we are, the highest paid army in the world, and I

can't raise a lousy hundred bucks for a worthy cause.

Well, why don't you just forget about it, ain't he? Never.

This is not just an ordinary poker game. This is the Poker Olympics.

G .I .s are coming from all over the country to compete in this. Fort Bragg,

Camp Dix, even Alaska are sending an entry.

I can't raise a lousy hundred bucks to get to the fair for the games in Topeka.

Are you sure you thought of everybody, Sarge? Look, face it, there isn't a man

in the world I can even raise a nickel from. You know something? You would have

won them Olympics hands down. No contest. Not only that, this is the

game they ever had. All that money. Look, I keep telling you, it's not just

money. It's a matter of sentiment.

Look.

Isn't this a lovely thing?

The Poker Olympics Cup.

Look at the way it's inscribed.

For meritorious and distinguished achievement in high -low, one -eyed

wild, and spit in the ocean.

Two years in a row I won this cup.

One more win and I would have had permanent possession.

Owning that cup means a lot to you, huh, Sarge? I know it's silly for a grown

man to feel this way about a cup, but what am I going to do?

That's the way I am. Hey, Sarge, what would you do with it if you won it for

keeps?

I'd hock it.

That would be dishonest. I don't even own it. That would be like stealing. Why

don't you hug it now?

Wait a minute. Today's Thursday, isn't it? The pawn shop opens an hour earlier.

Let's go.

No, I won't sell this. It's a price to stay alone. It's been in the family for

years. Be strong, Sarge. Sarge, you've got to... Sarge? Oh, well, if Dad didn't

need the operation, I'd never... How much? Nothing.

It's real gold.

It ain't even tin. But it has sentimental value, Sam.

To you, not to me. Look, I'm desperate. I've got to raise $100. Have I been a

good customer or not?

How much for this ring? Sarge, that's my graduation ring. You've all got to make

sacrifices. You've still got your diploma, haven't you? How much, Sam? I

went to school, but believe me, I got a thousand graduation rings. Sam, I've got

to raise $100.

Want to buy a Jeep?

How about a Sherman Pants like the U? Please, Bill, go get out of here. If

you're interested in real estate, I'll sell you a drill field. Drill field?

Please, Bill. I'll give up.

No. There must be an institution left that lends money to honest people in

There must be.

The bank. What are we bothering? The bank.

Is it still open? I don't know. What time is it?

Do you mind if I look at my watch? Thank you very much.

Come on.

What? Oh, I'm sorry, ma 'am.

Thank you, Mr. Leamy. It's a pleasure.

Anytime.

And here's your book, Mrs. Hammer.

Our little Christmas club fund is really growing. Thank you.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Hammond. Good afternoon.

Bill Cole!

Bill Cole?

Bill... Hold the ball. Set the alarm.

I'm sorry, Bill Cole. The bank is closed. Why, now, it's only a quarter to

three. How dare you take me to your president at once?

Mr. Leany, how fortunate we caught you before you left. No. Oh, I love doing

business with a friendly bank. No. Did you hear that? Your money is safe here.

Give me a banker with the courage enough to say no. No. I wouldn't have any

other bank calendar on my wall. That inspiring picture of Pocahontas rescuing

John Smith from the savages. Why, I look at it every night, sir. Please, Vilco,

the bank is closed. Just a small loan, Mr. Leany, only $100. Of course, I'm

willing to pay the prevailing interest rates. Fortunately, I have my two co

-signers here with me. If you'll just give me small bills, we'll be skinning

down with you. Vilco, I have no interest in... doing business with you. Did you

hear that? No interest the man has.

Ah, believe me, the widows and investors of this bank can sleep easy at night

with this man's hand at the helm of a... Don't call this bank. We'll not make

you a loan in a million years.

Well, I can understand that. Why should you make a loan to a simple G .I. whose

only securities are the wounds he received in defense of his country,

world safe for free enterprise?

Because I'm sure you did your bit.

You bought bonds.

I can't make these sudden starts.

Oh,

please, don't worry about public opinion. I'll see that the man on the

understands there's just no room for heart in business.

I can't turn suddenly. You understand, they just... Would you help me?

Bilko. Did you call... Somebody called a pain. I can't hear when I'm in... Did

you call me, sir? Bilko, if I made you a bank loan, the Federal Reserve would

close us up.

Well, I don't think that's the right... What? What I do with my own money is my

own business. Just a minute, Mr. Leamy. You miss... I don't want charity. I want

to do what you insist, and believe me, you don't understand.

The number will go away, and I'll see that you get back every cent of it we

Get his number. I want this man to have a box of cigars. You're doing a grand

job. Lock up after us. You never know what can happen.

Well, Sarge, you're all set for Topeka. Now, you got your bus tickets? Right

here, buddy. You got the money? Right here, pal. All I got to do is get the

Colonel to sign his pass and us off to Topeka for the Poker Olympics.

Hey, Sarge, how did you get the Colonel to give you the pass?

I forgot the excuse I gave him. All I know is I left him in tears.

And now my vision in khaki is our beloved Colonel Lynn. Yeah, Ernie.

doing a grand job for the war effort.

I don't even remember the excuse I gave him.

He'll come to me.

Good afternoon, sir.

Oh, you, Bilko, this is your pass.

Thank you, sir, but your sign will be out of your way in no time, sir.

Bilko, I want you to know you have my sympathy.

Thank you very much, sir.

Well, Bilko, I suppose this is one pass you hate to take.

That's the way it is, sir, but I have to if you'll just sign, sir.

I suppose they're doing everything that they can do.

Everything is being done, sir, if you'll just sign, sir.

I must say I admire your courage.

Thank you very much, sir. But you probably don't want to talk about it.

get back, sir, we'll have a nice long chat. If you'll just sign, sir, please.

The only thing, Belko, it's funny that I didn't read about it in the papers.

A thing like this doesn't happen every day.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir.

You wouldn't?

When a 7 ,000 -pound meteor falls in your backyard and knocks your 93 -year

aunt out of her hammock?

The havoc these uncontrolled meteors are causing. Why, it's like an astronomical

fall. And there was Andy, sitting there, cheating. Come in.

Sir, this message just arrived from Corps headquarters.

General Hollander will be at Fort Baxter tomorrow.

General Hollander? That means a complete inspection of the post. I suppose

you'll want all leads canceled. At once.

Sorry, Bilko. Sir, the little old woman that's waiting in Topeka said... Bilko,

you know this inspection takes priority over everything. The General's a

stickler about the motor pool.

Lieutenant, have all units alerted about the inspection tomorrow. Yes, sir.

Excuse me, sir. This is General Hollander. Is that the same general who

inspected us last year? Yes. Oh, thank heavens. I'll have a chance to apologize

to him.

Apologize? Apologize for what? Well, you remember, sir. He was examining the

jeep. He had his head under the hood and I accidentally leaned on the horn. I

remember. He was deaf for a week. Was he ever mad, sir?

He certainly was.

Philco, he gave us the lowest rating we ever got. Oh, thank heavens. I can

apologize to him this time and he can hear me. Oh, the noise of that horn

stays with me.

Philco! I don't want you to go near General Hollander.

I don't want him reminded.

Sir... In fact, get off the post. Sir, as the sergeant of the motor pool, it's

my duty, sir, to see that... Well, I'm relieving you of that duty. Here's your

pass. Go.

I know he's not due until tomorrow, but I won't take any chances.

But, sir, I'm perfectly willing to do all I can to make the general... Go!

Yes, sir.

But the beacon leaves in a half hour. Goldman, get my bag out of the check.

out of double. Miss, wait this check, please.

Well, this looks like a hangout for soldiers. Maybe we can find this Bilko

Yeah, I hope so. That guy in Africa sure is hot to get hold of him. Yeah, and

the liar, he said if we get Bilko back to New York by Saturday, there's a bonus

for us.

There's a bunch over there. Maybe they know him.

Well, this seems to tally up. All right, miss, give me your pencil. I'll sign

this check.

You're going to sign it? I'll get the manager.

Oh, if you're going to get sticky about it. Here, pay this.

Excuse me, fellas. We're trying to locate a soldier.

If he came to the right table, we know every soldier in Fort Baxter. Good.

you can help us catch up with a guy named Bilko.

Bilko? Hey, Sarge. Why don't you eat? You're never eating.

What do you say? We'd sure like to get our hands on him.

Well, what for?

Well, that's not our business. We're just doing a job for a guy who'd do

anything to get his hands on Bilko.

You say his name was Bliko?

Bilko. Sarge, that's... Why don't you never eat? He's a prisoner of war.

Now,

this Bilko, you sure that was his name? That is a strange name. Maybe Red got

that name wrong. Red? Well, what about it, soldier? Do you know this Bilko? It

just came back to me. I never heard of him in my life. And if I did, I would

have known it. You boys ever hear of this Bilko?

Bilko, Bilko. His first name is Ernie.

Ernie Bilko. Now, think. Sarge! Why don't you never eat?

Eat, eat!

Vilco, do you ever hear the name Vilco? I never heard of her. Never? Don't hit

me. Hey, why don't you try the Marines?

Hey, get back, Ernie!

The name is Bernard. I've told him a hundred times. That's my name, Bernard

Schlesinger. I hate people taking abuse with my name.

Not Bernard.

Bernard Schlesinger. Have you got it straight?

Bernard! All right, now you got it. I can't stand it when they get frivolous

with a... I wish I could help you with this problem, but I never heard of this

chap. Thanks anyway, soldier.

Well, you just call out Bernard Schlesinger. Glad to be of service.

See you. Have a nice day, gentlemen.

Hey, Sarge, what's it all about? Who knows? Red is ethnic.

Red who?

Could be a million Reds. Who knows?

Red Hagerman.

No, him I paid.

Big Red Peterson?

He's just the type that would... No, he'd believe me.

Who knew?

Red Barker. Red Barker? Yeah, it was years ago. We formed the partnership to

the stock market. It was a split right down the middle. He supplied the money,

supplied the brains.

It didn't work out, huh? Red ran out of money before I ran out of brains.

That's what we forgot about. Oh, you don't know this Red Barker, a vicious,

vindictive type.

Laid low all these years, waiting to strike when I'm in the prime of life.

You better get on that bus for Topeka fast, Ernie. Before those mugs find out

you're bilko. That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Go to Topeka alone where I

don't have anybody. They'll find me. They'll have me tailed. I need

What kind of protection?

Bodyguards. Men with guns. We've got lots of guns at camp, sir. I can't. I

can't. I can't.

That's all I need. Two wounds are after me. I'm going to get stuck in a camp

where I can't get out and they can't get in.

They can't get in.

Perfect highlight. And I've got a whole army to protect me. Let's go.

I'll never be able to touch you in here, any barbell. No, but Dalberman, here.

Don't you know where you live? Here, move it. Come on, Dalberman, stop

strolling. Every minute that I'm out here, my life is in danger. How are you?

Glad to see you. Hold it, Bilko.

Look, boys, we'll chat some other time. I'm in a hurry. We'll chat now. We got

orders not to let you into camp.

Orders? Right from that colonel. You're not allowed back in camp until General

Hollander makes his inspection. Hey, Sarge, what's keeping you? Come on in. I

can't come in. You come on out. Nobody gets out without a pass. I just gave you

my pass. And you haven't got a pass.

Come on, you gotta let us in. Come on, you gotta let us in.

Come on. Hold it a minute. What's the matter?

Don't you understand these men are just doing their duty as American soldiers?

By its integrity and character like this, that is the backbone of our

army. A devotion of duty above all self -interest. I'm glad you see it that way,

Coco. Of course I do.

Now, here's ten bucks apiece. Let me in here, will you? Coco, I'm going to throw

you in the guardhouse.

The guardhouse? For that, I'll make it fifty bucks apiece. You're wasting your

time, Coco.

Okay, you guys, now get inside. You're blocking the entrance. All right, you're

blocking the entrance. Will you get out of here, Coco?

Hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt. No recruits.

How are you, buddy? Welcome to your new home. You're going to love it here. Can

I show you around? Let me show you where you belong.

That's it.

The protection I get around here, I might as well be a civilian.

Civilian. What would a civilian do if he's in trouble? He'd call the police.

Hurry, hurry.

Hello, police. I need protection. Two men are after me. They're killers. I

you, they're killers. Look, send somebody. Send a SWAT guy. You can have

phone in a minute.

Huh? Who is this?

A crank. A drunken crank.

Hello. Oh, look out. I should have caught up with you. Oh, I read. We got

Give me a break, fellas. Do you know what kind of guy this man Red is,

We've never met him. We just worked for him. Oh, is that all this is to you? A

job? Do you hold human life so cheap? Hasn't every man got a right to a rich,

full life? To smell the flowers? To hear a child's laughter? To see the sun when

it rises every morning? I'm too young to do that. Give me a break.

Boy, this one's a dilly. He has a right to live.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about your boss, Red. He's a killer. A

killer, Red? Of course. Why do you think he had you hunt me up? He wants to rub

me out, and you're his accomplices.

What do we get into? Isn't it a little too late to think of that? I don't think

he'd be satisfied with just rubbing me out. Oh, no, he won't want witnesses.

And you'll be next.

Oh, boy, I want to get out of this.

Me, too. Well, what are we going to tell Red? Tell him it's a big country. You

couldn't find me. Okay, Philco, but understand one thing. Now, remember, we

never saw each other, right? We never saw each other.

Hey,

look. They're going away.

And he's still alive.

Hey, Sarge.

Sarge. What happened? What happened? What about the killers? What killers?

know how I am with killers. These tough cookies, you stand up to them and they

crumble. Yeah, but what happened? Look, if I tell you, I'll miss the bus to

Topeka. Goldman, give me my bag over to France. Thank you. Come on, throw it

over. Go for me. Come on!

Go on, fellas.

It must be the service entrance.

Cleveland bus, gate five.

All right, buddy, I got time for the bus to Topeka.

Relax, soldier, there's an hour's delay. An hour's delay? This is an upgrade.

I'll be late for a very important appointment. Sorry, soldier, there's

we can do. The Topeka bus just blew a head gasket. It'll take at least an hour

to fix it. An hour? Now, why don't you people run this line if you know what

you... What's the matter with that bus?

Nothing, but that's a Cleveland bus. It's leaving in two minutes.

Two minutes?

Can I see a moment, please? Just come over here and talk, soldier.

Tell me frankly, what do I look like to you?

Now, I'm a sergeant. Good, then the disguise is perfect. I don't look like

Captain?

Major?

A general?

A colonel? A colonel?

How's everything here? The bus is running fine?

Look, I'm forced to trust you.

You are a citizen, aren't you?

I'm on a top secret mission.

National security depends on what I'm about to do, and I'm forced to trust

You can understand, I must go to Topeka inconspicuously by bus.

What kind of documents?

There's a lovely station here. Let me talk to you. What can I do?

You can make up your mind. Are you with us or are you with them?

All right. Everybody off to Cleveland. Hey, soldier.

This should interest you. Some G .I. hit it lucky.

Boy, I wish it was me.

Wait a minute. That picture, that's Red Thompson.

I was with this guy on Guadalcanal.

Let me look at this.

Diamond prospector to share fortune with mystery G .I. Red Thompson. See that?

There's his name. Red Thompson.

New diamond king in New York. To share fortune with soldier who saved his life.

He's not making a name public for fear of fortune hunters.

Investigator seeking hero.

Seeking hero.

That's me. I'm the hero. Who? I was the guy that tried. It's okay. The Cleveland

bus is cleared. It's all ready to go to Topeka. Topeka? I want to go to New

York. Oh, by another paper, you civilian.

Yes? Is this Red Thompson's suite? That's right. Be a good fellow. Tell Red

hero that saved his life is here. Sure, buddy.

Just get in line with the other heroes.

Come on, boys. Hey, get back there. I'm the one that saved Reg's life. What are

you doing here? We're at the Battle of the Mons. I saved Reg's life.

Ah,

they're all nuts. I'm the one who saved his life. Good old Red.

Well, you greedy, greedy dreamers. How low will men seek to get money?

All right.

Just hold it down, Mr. Thompson. We'll see you in a minute. I can save you a

of time. Sure, sure, buddy. Just get back in line and keep quiet.

Just trying to help you out.

Oh, no.

Hey, you. When he turns you down, don't go away. I may need you to help me carry

the money.

Is that one good, Charlie?

On the button. Can I get the names of the captains?

Whatever you're ready for. We've got another room full out there. Oh, don't

me I have to go through that all over again. Well, it was your idea to look

this guy.

If only those private detectives had been able to find him. According to the

report, there's no trace of him. Look, Mr. Thompson, why don't you let my paper

publish his name? It might make it easy to find him. Because I don't want this

to be a public affair.

It's bad enough those guys found out there already.

I just want to...

Find him. I'm going to sit down with him privately and hand him the money. Well,

should we start shuttling him through?

Yeah, might as well.

Okay, fellas, I'll go figure it out.

Hey, man, it's good to see my old pal again. You haven't changed a bit. He's

the one. Hey, you keep out of this, Mac. I know my old buddy. Okay, well, yeah,

you had your chance. But I know I'm the one. You're the one. I know I'm the one.

All right, all right.

Now I'm glad I did save his life.

Oh, these poor fools. Women, men, men, and honesty is the best policy.

Yeah, ain't it disgusting how many phonies there are in the world? Oh,

putting nothing over our good old Red. Keep that line moving, will you?

Nice try, Pop. Say hello to Mademoiselle from Armitage.

Keep it moving, keep it moving. All right, next.

Red, have no fear. Pilko is here.

All right, next.

This is it, Eddie. The Rainbow Zen.

Red, baby boy, it's me.

Not him.

Okay.

15 years ago.

No wonder.

Hello, shitty desk.

Oh, Charlie, he didn't show today.

Yeah, we're knocking off. Mr. Thompson, are you going to continue the search

tomorrow? No, I don't think so.

If he hasn't shown up by now, I don't think he ever will.

Too bad.

He would have been one of the richest men in the world.

Oh, yes, I have read. Fifteen years ago in the jungle, I looked like this. Six

months later, I looked like this. Ten years later, I looked like this.

I don't care what you look like. You're the man that saved my life, and I'm

going to make you a rich man. This is the man!

Take a picture.

Let's take a picture with the money.

Mark,

we'll give you this story later. Just give me a few minutes alone.

Look at you.

Fifteen years ago, you were digging foxholes. Today, you're digging

Ernie, it took a long time, but I finally hit it big, and you're sharing

me. Oh, and if that's what makes you happy, you don't have to.

Sign the bank check. All you got to do is fill it in for any amount.

Any amount?

Any amount, Ernie.

All right, Ernie. All right. There's a mountain of diamonds.

A mountain of diamonds.

A mountain of diamonds.

I need a mountain.

You'll fill it in, Red. I can't fill it in. No, you Ernie, think big. There's a

mountain of diamonds.

A mountain.

A mountain.

I can't know what to do, Red. All my life I dreamed I'd meet a guy who'd own

diamond line and he'd give me a blank check. No, it happened.

Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red.

Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red.

Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red.

Red. Red. Red. Red. Red.

Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red.

Red. Red. Red

I'll just put a little cover right there.

We're broke.

I'm working on a check. What do you mean, broke? There's a mountain of

I'll put another zero right there.

They checked the claim and they found out the land belongs to the Kimberley

Mining Company. Oh, no.

Yeah, pal, I hope you don't think I was too greedy. I take care of a lot of

people. You understand. Ernie, did you hear what the man said? The land isn't

ours.

I don't understand.

They checked the claim against the Kimberley Mining Company. It belongs to

Well... Can't we just keep that our little secret, Red? Ernie, that's the

is in time of money.

Well, I guess I have to go back to Africa and start all over again, Ernie.

the time we settle our hotel bill and pay our passage back, we'll be broke. It

was a month.

Broke? I've been broke all my life, Ernie. That's the way it goes.

Come on, fellas, just time enough to get another berth in the Congo Queen.

Broke? So long, Ernie. So long.

And I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Wait a minute, partner.

Partner? You were willing to share anything you had with me, weren't you?

Well, at least I can do is share anything I got with you. Here's a

bucks. Maybe that'll help, Red.

Oh, gee, thanks for the gruff steak, Ernie.

And you'll see we'll make another diamond strike, and you're in. Do me a

Just send me back the $100.

So long, Ernie. So long. Hold on to that check. It'll be good someday.

Yeah, sure.

It'll be good someday.

What? What?

Brad, remember me.

I'm the one who saved your life. Of course I remember you. And here's your

reward.

Also seen in tonight's show were Bob Gist, who played Red Thompson, Joe Brown

Barney, Pete Gimini as Joe, Otto Hewlett as the bank president, Ed Ryan and Bert

Fried were the two detectives. Sam Schwartz as the pawnbroker and Ed

the bus attendant.