Original subtitles

believe it.

Reflected news people throwing water at each other.

Do you think the producer of Nightline has these discipline problems?

Do you think he has to yell at Ted Koppel? Don't run with the stick, Ted.

could put out an eye.

Oh, come on, Miles. Lighten up. We're one show away from the end of a really

grueling season.

Yeah, it could have been worse. We could have played hide the executive producer

like we did last year.

You know, I'm really surprised at you, Jim. Dance, little man.

See, this is pointless.

So I'll just conduct my business and go.

As you know, the network produces a game show called Collegiate Q &A.

Two teams of college students compete for a cash prize by answering extremely

difficult questions.

Oh, yes, Doris and I often watch that show. It's very well done. And TV Guide

recently called it one of television's most stimulating programs.

I pray it's coming from a magazine whose crossword puzzle has clues like cat on

a hot tin blank.

to the point, Miles.

You're starting to look mighty dry.

Every so often, the show invites a celebrity team to compete against the

students with the prize money going to charity.

They've already had 2020 in primetime live, and now they're asking FYI to

appear. Now, wait a minute, Miles. Does this show tape on a weekday when we're

supposed to be doing research, following leads, and putting together stories?

Okay, that's the one drawback. I'm afraid it does.

Yay!

So nice to work with such dedicated professionals.

Now! You're going to need a strong five -man team, but there's no need to panic.

I, your quick -thinking, Harvard -educated executive producer, a man

his freshman year roommates as Miles Silverbrain, will be leading you to

victory. Okay, team, rehearsal tomorrow in Studio H.

Now that that's settled, Miles, you have until the count of three to get to the

elevators. Then we open fire.

You're not serious.

Are we serious?

Well, so am I.

Hi,

Murphy Brown, FYI. Looking forward to a really great game. Let me introduce our

team. Oh, there's no need, Miss Brown. We're all big FYI fans.

I'm Ben Lawson. This is Melissa Denton, Paul Hatfield, Donald Klein, and Alexis

Stewart. Miss Brown, I know it sounds like we're gushing, but it is a real

to be playing against all of you.

So... Where are you kids doing the old reading, writing, and arithmetic thing?

We're from Yale.

Oh, really?

So it's to be the crimson versus the blue, is it?

You're an Harvard man. Yeah, sorry to ruin your day. Of course, there's five

you and only one of me. You might still have a chance. All right, people, let's

take our seats, please.

FYI on one side, Yale on the other.

A ruler, a habit, and a little more facial hair, and that guy is the

image of a nun I had in high school.

Good afternoon, everyone.

I am Dr. Wade Benoit, professor of linear mathematics at Goucher College,

am your host.

Save your applause. I've been doing this show for 15 years. So far, a lot of

clapping hasn't put a swimming pool in my backyard.

Now, tomorrow night, you'll come out and stand beside these desks.

Theme song, theme song, theme song.

I will be introduced.

I will throw off the last few shreds of self -respect that still cling to me and

then enter.

More applause.

I check my yard. Still no swimming pool.

I'll then ask each team member to introduce him or herself.

Please keep it brief.

For example, I would point to you, young man, and you would say... I'm Ben

Lawson, and I'm a senior majoring in journalism.

Very good. Or I might point to you, sir, and you would say...

Frank Fontana, FYI.

I enjoy world travel, fine wine.

Though my work can sometimes be dangerous, I'm trying to take myself a

less seriously.

Fontana, just to clear up any confusion, this is not the love connection.

All right.

Here are the rules of our game. They're not that difficult. I will ask a series

of questions from different subject categories.

When you feel you have the correct answer...

Hit your buzzer and give that answer when called upon.

For example, I might ask, name the substance in the brain associated with

memory. And then, Mr. Dial, you would buzz in and you would say...

And you would say, Mr.

Dial... The substance in the brain associated with memory.

It's a substance, is it? Yes.

Whatever it is, I can certainly use some of it now.

All right, then, Yale.

The substance in the brain associated with memory.

Selenium. Selenium, yes, very good.

Let's say I ask Yale, name the scholar who, in 1543, produced the first

model of the sun and planets. No, don't answer, Yale.

Let's say Yale had no answer. I would then throw the question back over to

and Miss Brown, you would say... I know this.

Galileo. That is incorrect.

Well, let's not argue about it. Why don't you check your source and get back

me?

Let me get back to you right now.

You're wrong.

Anyone else?

On the end, you have the answer.

I had it.

I lost it. Daniel.

Gail.

The scholar who produced the first workable model of the sun and planets.

Copernicus. A bonus point for his full name.

Nicholas Copernicus. Another bonus point for his middle initial.

Jake. Well, I'm sure we all have a good idea.

So then, we'll see you tomorrow night.

Gail, you may go.

FYI, please stay.

All right, FYI, I know what you're doing.

What do you mean?

You were holding back, weren't you?

You didn't want to overwhelm the students, so you pretended not to know

answers to those very elementary questions.

Well, Dr.

Benoist, you caught us. Boy, is my face red.

Well, I know they're just kids, but it'll make a better show if you allow

yourselves to compete.

Well, see you in 26 hours.

It's supposed to be a game show.

One section where we had to guess the price of a dining room set.

I knew we shouldn't have done this. Didn't I say it was a bad idea? Didn't

What are you talking about? You were the first one who agreed to do it. Oh, no.

Murphy is never wrong, Jim. Are you, Murphy?

Galileo, what a doofus answer.

Why are you jumping in with an answer, Mr. Fine Wine and World Travel?

Because it is useless information.

That's why. I don't have room in my brain for stuff that's of no use in the

world. You don't have room because your brain is full of batting averages,

women's phone numbers, and poems that start with there once was a waitress

Stella.

Oh. Well, let's listen to the Harvard graduate. I had it, but I lost it. Nice

answer. Only cost your parents $40 ,000.

Hey, there.

I just thought you should know the odds in the bar are three to one. You guys

will go down in flames tomorrow night. Oh, shoot.

What's the problem? You're all bright people. You're going to let a bunch of

college kids whip you? It has nothing to do with being bright, Phil. They want

us to know all this academic stuff. Most of us haven't been in school in a long

time. I agree. What normal adult has even the faintest memory? Things like

Pythagorean theorem.

Ah, that would be the sum of the squares to the sides of the right triangle

equal the square of the hypotenuse.

Oh, look, you guys are just a little rusty, that's all. You got most of the

information covered.

Murphy, you know politics and government, GM languages, Miles'

Law, Corky.

The main thing is... Bill's right. We can do this. We have to do this. I'm not

going to embarrass myself on national TV.

That's the vice president's job.

We need to organize a study group. Get our hands on some reference material,

cover all the categories.

Okay, what do you see in my place in half an hour? Thanks for the pep talk,

Phil. Glad to be of help.

Oh, and here's a little tip.

If the category is Nobel Prize, it's odds on that the answer is Linus

He won it twice, once for chemistry and once for peace, so a pretty good shot at

Tim.

Millions of dollars worth of talent, they never order a damn thing.

Maynard, who wants it?

I hate it, fine arts. I'll take it.

American history.

I hate American history. Allow me.

World lit.

I hated world lit.

Well, since I don't see anything on cutting class or panty raids, I'll take

world lit.

You're going to have to make a choice, Frank. Earth science or religion?

I'll take earth science.

I had enough religion in Bishop Fallon's school for boys.

Fine, give me religion. My people always carry the burden. Thanks a lot.

Oh, I was just reading that most of the support for the War of 1812 came from

the South and the mid -Atlantic states.

Oh,

really?

As historian Norman K. Richard suggests, there is little validity to the theory.

It doesn't do us any good to divide up into different work groups if you're

going to read that entire book out loud.

Well, I'm sorry.

I just thought that someone who had spent the last few minutes writing crib

notes on his hand could benefit from hearing an enlightened historical

perspective. I always write on my hand, Jim. I've done it since the third grade.

And guess what? I'm famous and I drive a Corvette.

People who write on their hands go on to big things. Yeah, Frank, you and Senor

Wences.

Come on, concentrate.

When we're on that stage tomorrow and that Benoit guy calls on us, I don't

to see any blank stares on our faces.

Like that one. What's wrong with you?

It's starting.

That feeling in my stomach.

The clammy hands.

I always used to get it right before exams.

Some people crammed.

I purged.

We've got a vomiter on our team.

Yes, pizza.

Oh, God.

Oh, look at this. One more minute and it would have been a freebie. Have you

ever noticed how that always happens?

Pizza for Mr. Montana.

That's, uh...

It's okay, Eldon. Frank got it.

Oh, okay.

Wait! Eldon, you're just the person I need.

I have a question for you.

Now, this abstract painting is called Nude Descending a Staircase.

Where is the nude?

Where is the staircase?

Why don't they just call it Fish Eating a Cheeseburger?

I mean, what is the point of it?

You want to know about art.

tell you anything about art.

Oh, I could have once, but it's gone now.

Where did it go?

I don't know.

Maybe it's hiding among all those numbers, Dow Jones averages, prime

I need a little help with the tip. I want to start on cash. Money, money,

That's what everybody thinks they want.

I got money. You can have money. You need money? I'll give you money.

I'll give you all the money.

What's your name, kid?

Larry. Larry Barnes. Larry Barnes. That is a beautiful name.

Promise me. Promise me one thing. You won't let this ruin your life.

Yeah, okay.

$676 ,832.

That's about all I've got.

And it's yours now, Larry.

Boy, this sure beats the $500 ,000 tip I got at the last house.

Look, buddy, just because I'm wearing a funny hat doesn't mean that I have to

stand here while you play Let's Torture the Pizza Boy.

I don't really have much, but I got my dignity.

I am the ancient mariner, and this is my albatross.

Oh, man, I ordered X. Does this look like extra cheese?

I can't study like this.

Well, we have to study, Frank, and we have to win. Because if we don't, by

time tomorrow, every journalist we know will be asking, how many FYI -ers does

it take to screw in a light bulb?

I want somebody to take this book, open it to any page, and ask me a question.

What is the prominent theme explored in Nietzsche's Thus Spake Zarathustra?

Is it better to write the answers on the palm or the back of your hand?

The search for the funniest mom in America continues.

Meet the finalists.

My name is Christine Hurley. I am from Plymouth, Massachusetts, and I have five

beautiful kids.

Brendan. is not very good to his older sister.

She always pokes her head in so nicely and says, Good morning, sunshine.

And he always replies with, You don't look at me and you keep walking.

We don't know what happened with him. I think it might have been because I

microwaved his bottles instead of boiling them. Is Christine Hurley the

mom in America? Find out Tuesday, May 3rd at 10, only on Nick at Night.

To fight bad breath, you have to clean way on the back of your tongue.

So, either get a roll -out tongue, For new Reach Fresh and Clean, Reach

reinvented the toothbrush with the first two -sided toothbrush and tongue

cleaner. It removes hard -to -reach bacteria on the back of your... Here's

question in geography.

What nation calls Kigali its capital?

That would be the Republic of Rwanda in Africa, population 6 million, currency

the Rwanda, frank with coffee as its cheap export.

You buzz in, I call on you. That's how it works.

I was right, wasn't I? Wasn't I?

Yes.

Staying with FYI zoology, the scientific classification P.

erythrorhynchus refers to what member of the animal kingdom?

That would be the pelican. That is correct.

And I'd like to say hi to my friends and family down in Louisiana, also known as

the pelican state.

Yes!

Again to FYI.

The Nobel Prize is the category. And here is your question.

Jim Dial.

Linus Pauling.

Linus Pauling is absolutely correct.

The category is Religions of the World.

The Jewish Feast of Weeks takes place seven weeks after the second day of

Passover. By what name is this Jewish festival commonly known?

Mr. Silverberg?

I can't think.

My mind is blank.

I'll throw the question over to Yale.

Alexis Dewar. I'm a Presbyterian, but I'll take a wild guess.

Is it Shavuos?

Shavuos is correct.

have control.

The category is mathematics.

In the algebraic equation 3x plus 2y equals 12, where x is equal to 2 and 2

thirds, what is the value of y?

Donald Klein.

2. That is correct.

What is he, the Rain Man?

Now, we come to our final question, worth 50 points.

Each team will have 10 seconds to confer on their answer, and that answer will

decide the outcome of the game.

Yale, in the category of foreign governments, the country of China

many provinces?

Okay, that's ten seconds. You said ten seconds and

time is up. Come on, let's go, let's go.

Your answer, please, Yale.

Twenty -one.

No, it's twenty -two.

I'm sorry. Very, very, very sorry.

Oh, too bad, too bad, too bad. Okay, what's our question? Come on, let's have

it. Let's go.

FYI, a correct answer will give you the game.

Good luck.

And here is your question.

The category is architecture.

Name the architect who designed the Pan Am building in New York City.

You have ten seconds to confer.

I think I know this one. Ludwig Mies van der Rohe.

Actually, Murphy, I think it was Walter Gropius.

Gropius designed the Seagram's building. No, Gropius designed the Pan Am. Okay,

let's take a vote. Who agrees with me? I don't. I'm right.

You always side with Jim. I'm not going to forget this, you know.

FYI, your answer, please.

We took a vote, but I'm going with my original answer.

The Pan Am building was designed by Ludwig Mies van der Rohe. Oh, no, I'm

No, Walter Gropius designed the Pan Am building.

And the Yale team wins.

We have some lovely parking gifts for our FYI team.

Personalized shoeshine kits from Scuffaway.

The shoe polish professionals.

Rice -a -roni, the San Francisco Chief.

And dinner for five at Black Angus.

Join us next week when Dan Rather and the CBS Evening News take on the women

Smith College.

Until then...

I am Dr. Wade Budweiser.

Good night.

We, uh... We always make a tape of the show for our guests to take home.

Please, don't bother.

Oh, no.

I insist. I want you to have it.

Never have I been so humiliated.

That includes the time I interviewed the Queen of England with my fly open.

Let's go, everybody.

Everybody except Murphy Vanderstupid.

Am I in the car yet?

Excuse me, Miss Brown.

Ben from Yale, also known as the University of Lucky Guessers.

No, that's not true.

You guys were hot tonight. Congratulations.

Thank you.

And I thought your team did very well, too, especially considering you haven't

been in school in 30 or 40 years.

Ben, do you want to live to see graduation?

I mean... Oh, boy.

Now that I've made a... total fool of myself. I wanted to ask you something.

Great. Another question.

Oh, what the hell? What do I have to lose?

Well, I'm an editor at the Yale Daily News.

And, well, I really admire what you do.

Well, my question is, when someone keeps turning down your request for an

interview, how can you get them to change their mind?

That's a tough one to answer, Ben.

I will tell you this.

Solzhenitsyn turned me down half a dozen times.

It wasn't until I flew to Russia, talked to all his old friends, his family, his

teachers, that he finally said yes.

He was so impressed that I'd taken the time to do that much homework, he

to trust me.

That's the key, Ben.

Extra effort from the reporter can really turn a person around.

Wow.

That's great. No one ever teaches you that. That's right.

20 years' experience not found in any book.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, I'm sorry to have bothered you. Oh, it's no bother.

Actually, I'm feeling a lot better now.

Come on, I'll walk you out.

You know, for what it's worth, I thought it was me, Fandero, too.

I always get those guys confused. It's those German names.

You know what else gets me? Was it Kierkegaard or Schopenhauer who was the

father of existentialism? I can never keep that straight.

Actually, that would have been... Oh, shut up, you little snot.