Original subtitles

Oh, Bill.

this is a momentous occasion for you. Tonight, the Smithsonian Institution is

adding a piece of your bar to its permanent collection.

You must be proud.

Oh, yeah.

When they asked if they could have the door off the stall in the men's room, I

thought, well, once again, something exciting is happening at Phil's Bar and

Grill on 95 15th Street, where the elite meet to eat open till 2 a .m.

Well, it's said that more than 200 Washington luminaries, including 13...

presidents at Simon Staldor.

That's right.

The tradition started with Woodrow Wilson, whose favorite burger was the

bacon and cheese, still available for only $4 .99 at Phil's Bar and Grill,

15th Street, Ample Parking in the Ring.

Ah, yes.

The man is in his element, isn't he?

Regaling the press with stories of all the powerful and famous who've passed

through here.

Miles. You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?

Oh, oh, uh, I'm sorry, Jim. I guess I'm feeling guilty for not bringing Audrey

tonight. We've been seeing a lot of each other lately, and I just thought we

should slow it down.

I told her I was helping Dan Rather rebuild his transmission.

Ms. Brown, please, just one comment for my paper. In your opinion, who should be

financially responsible for the cleanup of the Persian Gulf?

Look, shouldn't you be talking to Phil? It's his night. And besides, a

journalist's personal opinions are not for publication.

But what do you think of... Oh, look, here's Corky Sherwood.

Corky, this is Jeff. He doesn't believe you can recite all the books of the

Bible by heart. Go ahead.

Oh, okay.

Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy...

Geez, there's been a reporter here all night asking me... What are you doing,

Frank? Nothing.

Frank, you're posing.

No, I'm not.

You are.

You're posing for the cameras.

Look, every time I see a picture of myself at one of these events, it always

looks like I've just been hit with a stun gun.

Well, not this time. Laugh, Murph. What?

Laugh. Throw your head back like I'm captivating you.

Go on, do it.

This is stupid, Frank. Great, great, great.

Frank, your sleeve is in the dip.

Oh, man.

Miss Brown, who do you think should put the bill for the federal deficit?

Look, Jimmy Olsen, I told you, I don't answer these questions.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

I'm Roland Petrie of the Smithsonian Institution.

At this time, we present to you the door.

Oh, come on, Ms.

Brown. People want to know where you stand on the issues.

What's the major problem facing the world today?

I don't know.

The problem with the world today is that there are too many short guys running

it, okay?

Go away.

Oh, I'm going to miss this door.

Look at this.

I'm watching you, J. Edgar Hoover.

I demand a recount, Thomas E. Dewey.

Wait a minute, here's something I never saw before.

For a good time, call 555 -7621.

That's my number!

All right, who put that there? Who did that?

No, you can't take that!

the famous door was inducted into the smithsonian among the guests was our

colleague murphy brown who offered this unusual perspective on the current

global situation the problem with the world today is that there are too many

short guys running it okay ouch i sure wouldn't want that woman mad at me

unbelievable

must have tossed off at least 48 highly quotable quotes about Phil last night,

and they run that.

I'm telling you, Paula hates me, ever since I beamed her at the network

game.

Morning, Corky. Morning, Frank.

Oh, hello, Murphy. I didn't recognize you without your foot in your mouth.

If you're talking about the story on this morning's news, I already know

it. This morning's news? No, I'm talking about this piece on you in today's

paper under the headline, Brown Gives Short Shrimp.

What is this, the slowest news day in history?

Oh, listen to this, Murph.

John J. Edwards, the founder of the 66 Club, a national organization for men

under 5 '6", called Brown's comments, quote, a classic example of

Obviously, what she has in height, she lacks in sensitivity.

You think that's the 66 Club?

God, don't these guys have a sense of humor?

I mean, what rational human being would be offended by something that was

obviously meant as a joke?

Murphy, please.

Gee, you look happy. Let me guess. Either Audrey is cheating on you or the

at the car wash made fun of your five days to a deeper voice cassette.

Excuse me. Was that another joke?

Hey, I've got an idea. Let's call the Tonight Show and see if they need a

host. Excuse me, Murphy.

These are just some of the 423 messages the switchboard has logged from very

angry men. And guess what? Not one of them is named Kareem.

God, I didn't realize this was National Overreaction Day.

And to think, I used to look up to you, Richard from Fullerton.

I hope a house falls on you, Gary from Kansas.

Come on, Miles, you can't take these messages seriously. These are crackpots,

extremists. If I see you in a crosswalk, you better run like hell, Carl

Bernstein.

Murphy, this 66 Club is very serious.

They've contacted the media and they're demanding a public apology.

An apology for what? For making a joke? This is absurd.

Well, obviously there are people out there who are sensitive about their

stature. Maybe you're someone who wouldn't think that. You're what, 6 '10

those heels?

Wait a minute, Miles. What am I hearing here?

You weren't... Were you hurt by what I said?

What?

Me?

Hurt? I have to be short to be hurt.

And I am not short.

It's common knowledge that short for a man is five foot seven and under.

I'm five seven and three quarters, and I can prove it.

Corky, what does that say on my driver's license?

Read it out loud.

Five seven and what?

And three quarters.

So you lied. I did not lie!

Miles, Miles, don't be so sensitive.

It doesn't mean you're any less of an authority figure just because you need a

footstool to reach the top shelf of the utility cabinet.

I did it once!

Somebody shoved the fax paper all the way to the back!

Besides, the true size of a man isn't measured in feet and inches. Isn't that

right, Jim? Oh, get over it, Miles. You're short. I am not short!

I'm 5 '7 and 3 quarters!

Murphy, what are we going to do about this mess?

Well, Miles, obviously I didn't realize what sensitive territory I wandered

into.

I tell you what. Why don't I make some kind of brief statement to the press?

know, just to clarify what I said.

Smart decision.

I'll set up a press conference for this afternoon.

When they measured you at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles, they don't ask you to

take your shoes off.

But I did.

Five, seven, and three quarters in my bare feet.

Last night I made a comment which has unfortunately been interpreted as a slur

against short men. For the record, I made the remark as a joke.

It was not intended to cast aspersions on men of any size.

Okay, everybody, that's it. Thanks for coming. Just a minute.

Just one minute.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought there was going to be an apology

here today.

Does anybody remember hearing the words, I'm sorry in that speech?

Excuse me, but I don't think I know you.

John J. Edwards, president of the 66 Club.

I'm here on behalf of 30 million men of smaller stature.

And we demand a sincere apology for your vicious attack on us last night.

Mr. Edwards, I don't think it was a vicious attack. Now, I made my

That's really all I can do. Oh, I see. You don't really take this seriously, do

you? No, of course not. You who live in the land of the tall.

I'm a Columbia Law School Phi Beta Kappa, and I can't go to Disneyland and

on Space Mountain.

And do you know why?

Because my head doesn't reach that stupid dotted line.

Now, that may not mean much to you, Ms. Brown, but when you go to the happiest

place on Earth and a six -foot guy in a mouse costume

points you in the direction of It's a Small World, well, that's a pain that

never forget.

Look, Mr. Edwards, I appreciate your viewpoint, but my colleagues here know

kind of person I am, so if you'll excuse me. Actually, Murphy, how do you

respond to this man's statement?

Yeah, he seems to be making some valid points. Murphy, was it some personal

experience that led to this hidden resentment towards short man? Oh, come

Hank. I don't have any resentment. You know that.

Oh? Then ask her why she turned down a date with Dudley Moore.

Go on, ask her.

It's because he once played an elf in a movie. Isn't that true?

Oh, please. I've tried to accommodate you. I read the statement. Now, why

you just get past this and try to be big about it?

Oh, you're not going to write that down.

He's just trying to throw me so he can use this press conference to get up on a

soapbox.

You see?

You see what I'm talking about? You are unbelievable.

Haven't you had enough negative publicity from last week's prep

come on, Miles. Just because that flower vendor is five feet two doesn't give

him the right to turn his hose on me.

So you dumped fertilizer down his pants?

Maybe something will grow.

Would you just stop it?

Miles, you think this week's been easy for me? You think I like getting hang

calls from Dick Cavett?

Well, you are just going to have to learn to deal with it, Murphy.

In a few minutes, Congressman Hutchins is going to show up. And you have to

convince him to give his story to us, and not to 20, 20, or 60 Minutes. I know

that, Miles. You think I want to lose the hottest story in town?

It's exactly what I need to put this whole miserable short thing behind me.

Whoa.

Time out.

Reality check here, Miles.

Do you notice...

Anything unusual about this room?

Oh, God.

Short men.

They're everywhere.

Okay, don't panic.

Look down.

Walk slowly through the door.

And whatever you do, don't show fear.

Wait a minute. This is not right.

This is our place.

We're not going to let them intimidate us on our own turf.

I'm staying right where I am. I have an appointment with Keith.

Keith's here.

I'm going. Call me if you need me.

Congressman Hutchins, I'm Murphy Brown. I want to thank you for meeting me here

today. No problem.

Hey,

this isn't one of those short bars, is it?

No, no, just a lot of accountants in here today.

out before the grand jury next month, and I thought we could discuss possible

air dates. Miss Brown, I have to tell you, I'm having second thoughts about

doing this interview with you.

You've received some bad publicity lately, and I don't need any of that to

off on me.

Uh, Congressman, look, I admit I'm in the middle of a minor controversy right

now, but let me assure you that whatever problems I'm having are pretty much

blown over. Here you go, Murphy.

One shrimp cocktail.

No, I didn't order this.

I know.

It's from that table in the corner.

Very clever.

Miss Brown. Anyways, I was saying. You have to realize how vulnerable I am

now. The public loves to hang a crooked politician, even if he isn't crooked.

And that's why you should let me do this interview.

I believe you're innocent. The prosecution's case reeks of entrapment.

Congressman Hutchins, we can blow the lid right off. Short start.

Courtesy table six.

Maybe I should go and talk to Mike Wallace.

No, no, no, Congressman, wait. Please, just listen to me.

I am the only person to do this profile.

I've got the commitment, and I've got the sources.

This interview is very important to me, and if I don't... Napoleon!

All right, that's it! Who sent this? I want to know right now! Who sent this?

I did.

Well, Ms. Brown, it's been a whole week since your offensive comment, and we

still haven't heard an I'm sorry from you.

And I told you, Mr. Edwards, I have nothing to apologize for.

Then the stakes go up. An apology is no longer enough.

We want a segment on FYI exposing the mistreatment of men of smaller stature

the hands of the tall.

Mr. Edwards, I have many stories in the works. Stories on starvation in Africa,

on the AIDS crisis.

Sorry, but your piece doesn't fit in that category.

Have it your way.

But you should know, we don't give up.

We're mobilized.

We're ready.

We're close to the earth, so you'll never see us coming.

We meet tonight and every Monday night at the Whitehall Community Center.

Stop by when you've had enough.

Come on, guys, let's blow this pop stand.

Look, it's been a pleasure meeting you. I'll think about everything you said,

and maybe I'll call, okay?

Hi, I'm Ron.

I'm 5 '3".

A lot of you guys have heard about my carpooling problem.

Well, after two and a half years, I finally decided to do something about

This morning, when my ride pulled up, and 5 '11", Tom hopped out of the back

seat and said, Okay, little guy, the hump's all yours.

I looked straight up into his eyes and I said, No!

You take the hump!

I'm a man just like you, and I want the window!

I'm Charlie, and I'm 5 '3". I just want to say that... Wait a

minute, Charlie.

We've got an unexpected guest.

Hello.

Hi. Charlie, would you mind giving up the floor to the lady? I think she has

something that she'd like to share with us.

Okay.

This won't take long, and then you can...

Get back to whatever it is you were doing here.

Uh, the reason I came here tonight is... Introduce yourself.

Okay, I'm Murphy Brown, and, um, the reason I came here tonight is... How

are you?

Okay.

I'm Murphy Brown, and I'm 5 '9". I didn't come here to call... more

trouble. I came here because even though I don't think I said anything wrong,

I feel bad about how you reacted to it.

I know you feel deeply about your problem.

You're not taking me seriously.

That hurts.

Because we have a lot more in common than you might think.

I've known pain in my life, too, you know.

The pain of a happy little 12 -year -old girl who suddenly started

growing.

Growing so fast that she was a foot taller than everyone else in junior

An object of ridicule and pity.

Always stuck in the back for class photographs and...

And worst of all, never asked to dance.

You call that little girl?

The Jolly Brown Giant.

We need a chairman for the June fundraiser. I thought Lawson was taking

that. Yeah. He bailed out. Again. I swear, the guy's got even less

than he's got hair.

Anyway, that's McCabe to cover for him. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I don't mean to interrupt, but that last comment, less commitment than hair,

wasn't that some kind of vicious attack on balding men?

What are you talking about? That was a joke.

Ah, a joke.

Not everybody laughed.

Like you, sir.

Did you find that comment funny?

Well, now that you mention it, no.

I didn't find it funny.

You think I like having male pattern baldness? Come on, Howard.

Don't be so sensitive.

It's a genetic thing. It's not like being fat.

Hey!

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you know, Julian, you guys can always go on a diet, but what am I

to do, spend a fortune on hair plugs? You know what those things are for? Hey,

you think this is my fault? I've tried everything to lose weight. Pills, shots,

I drank a staple in your... Guys, guys, this is ridiculous. Come on. Well, you

started it, Mr. Ambulance Chaser. Hey, I would much rather be a lawyer than a

cut -rate dermatologist.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, you sit around all day, you scrape planners' warts off people's

feet. No wonder you're fat, Julian.

All right, right here, right now.

Keep your shirts on.

This is really something, isn't it?

Two grown men about to kill each other over a joke.

A harmless, meaningless joke.

That's right.

Lower your heads.

It's a little different when the shoe's on the other foot, isn't it?

My work here is done.

Miss Brown, wait.

You know what you said before?

About how we had some things in common?

Well, there's something else.

Something you don't know about.

Ron, you don't want to do this. Don't do it, Ron.

Stop now.

I can't.

This could be our only chance.

What are you talking about?

Miss Brown, we come from many different backgrounds.

But there's one experience we've all been denied.

None of us has ever asked a tall woman to dance.

Come on, you know me.

Oh, no.

Miss Brown, may I have this dance?

Oh, God!

Look, I got a big day tomorrow. I got to be home by 10.

Yeah.