Original subtitles

The world we knew when we were dreaming,

dreaming while the time away.

Yesterday, yesterday, yesterday.

So I've got the cameras on this SNL guy, right? And he's sweating so hard he's

sticking to his naugahyde chair. He's making little squeaky sounds that say,

guilty, I'm guilty.

I love that sound. That's when I move in for the kill. We zoom in on an extreme

close -up, look him straight in the eye, and I say... Jeez, Miles, I know this

isn't as exciting as your story about seeing Karen Valentine at the dry

cleaners, but try to stick with us here, okay? Come on.

Sorry, Murphy. It's a nice story, really.

Continue. Uh -oh.

A little trouble on the home front, Miles?

Aw, you had a fight with Audrey, didn't you?

I want you to call her right now and say...

I know I've been stupid, but I'm a man, and that's just the way we are.

I'm not sure if it'll work, but just once, I'd like to hear one of you say

Corky, I didn't have a fight with Audrey.

It's just that... I don't know.

Maybe I'm being a little oversensitive, but doesn't it seem like more and more

the news really sucks?

I think I know what the problem is here.

Miles is showing all the symptoms of third -year burnout.

Yeah, you do a few depressing stories in a row, and then suddenly, one day,

without any warning, you switch off the evening news and start watching reruns

of Green Acres.

All right, just a phase.

You'll shake it off in no time.

How do you shake this off?

These are some of the stories we've been covering in the last few weeks.

There's Murphy's Savings and Loans scandal, the war in the Gulf, the crack

epidemic, the AIDS epidemic, urban poverty, urban violence, child abuse,

abuse, parent abuse, grandparent abuse.

Hate crimes against blacks, gays, Jews, Arabs, Koreans, Vietnamese, skin cancer,

colon cancer, prostate cancer, and just to top it off, an interview with a

scientist who says if we get any more lead in our drinking water, we'll all be

spitting up ball bearings.

Way to bring down a room, Miles.

You see, it's impossible not to feel miserable.

Every day it's one horrible story after another.

That's why I think we should do a segment that makes people feel good.

Oh, that's just great, Miles.

Welcome to FYI, the new show that's like a big warm hug.

If we really want to make the world a better place, we have to stay tough and

report the news as honestly as we can. Am I right here, guys?

I'm not sure, Murphy.

I know I'm a serious journalist, but I feel myself becoming cynical and it's

creeping into my work.

Yesterday I came down much too hard on Orville Redenbacher.

Murphy!

I'm as much a hard news guy as anybody, but would it really kill us to do the

occasional inspirational story?

I'd be willing to dust off my old reporter's hat and find one myself.

Amazing. You're not in on this, too, are you, Frank?

I don't know, Murph. It's exhausting being this tough, macho guy all the

Maybe if I...

Try doing some caring, sensitive stories that wouldn't get clubbed in the back

of the head with a pipe as often.

Not that I'm complaining, but once you hit your 40s, the skull doesn't bounce

back like it used to.

What am I working with, the other Von Trapp family?

Murphy, you're overruled. We're going to do a story that reminds people of the

good things in the world. Something that reaffirms their faith in the human

spirit. Oh, well, that's just fine. If you guys have time to go off looking for

a heartwarming story, be my guest. I myself have some real reporting to do.

Well, look who it is.

Murphy Tales from the Dark Side Brown.

Haven't seen much of you the past couple days. How's your savings and loans

story coming?

Wonderly well, Miles, I tell you all about it, except it involves bad men

nasty things, and I know how that upsets you.

He's sarcastic.

Nothing you can say is going to ruin my day.

You see, I'm in such a good mood, I'm unconsciously rhyming.

And why?

Because I'm about to meet with the rest of my crack team to discuss the many

heartwarming stories they've uncovered. And look, here's two of them now, over

here, guys.

Right this way, how many stories do you have today?

Quite a few of my own. Half a dozen, at least. Half a dozen. Did you hear that,

Bernie? They hardly know where to start. They hardly know where to start. Go

ahead, guys. Let's hear those tidings of comfort and joy.

How about this one?

A man leaves a briefcase containing his life savings in the back seat of a cab.

Yeah, that's good.

The next passenger, Mr.

Thomas Seeley, finds the briefcase, which is loaded with cash.

Despite the fact that Mr. Seeley's bank has recently foreclosed on his mortgage,

he takes the briefcase back to its owner.

Incredible.

A man on the brink of financial ruin resists temptation and does the right

instead. So, Jim, I bet the guy who owned the briefcase was pretty surprised

when Tom Seeley showed up on his doorstep. Oh, yes, he was, especially

Seeley threw a bag over his head, tied him up, pulled a U -Haul into the

driveway, and emptied the man's house of everything, including a 12 -piece

dining room set and a small ukulele that had enormous sentimental value.

What a story.

The recession drives an average man into a life of crime. We should do this,

Miles. We're not doing it, Murphy. It's a sad story. We have enough sad stories.

Jim, why did you tell that story? It's not what we're looking for. Oh, well,

what about this?

At Christmas, a young man despondent over the apparent uselessness of his

volunteers to dress like Santa and stand on a cold street corner collecting

money for the poor.

All right, this is more like it. When he hits 500 bucks, he takes it to Circuit

City and buys himself the biggest mother television he's ever seen.

I love it. Jim, you wouldn't have that guy's phone number, would you?

This isn't working for me. Then maybe you'd like to hear about Captain Andy,

lovable Saturday morning TV star.

Now we're talking. He runs a prostitution ring.

Look, it's Corky, a woman who's so happy she's almost a Disney character.

If anybody could find an inspirational story, it's you.

You've done it, haven't you? Yes, I've done it, Miles.

And when you hear my story, I think you'll all finally look at Corky

little differently. Good. We're listening.

It's the story of a corporate whistleblower, Miles. A young and

executive who risked his career to expose corruption in the oil industry.

With only seconds to spare, the coaster scores!

Lunch for this woman, anything she wants. On me.

Congratulations, Corky. What are we celebrating?

The courage of a young oil executive named Paul Dexter, Phil. It's an amazing

story. Sure is.

The guy reports illegal price gouging, and the next thing he knows, he's

gas in the only filling station in Point Barrow, Alaska.

What do you say we start off with a nice bottle of Dom Perignon?

Nice job, Corky. Have you ever heard of the phrase verifying your sources?

Not really. Oh, this is great.

So, do you want to order now?

I got a nice filet mignon. That's always good.

I'm not very hungry, Phil.

What about the rest of you?

I've lost my appetite.

Well, I'm going to need all the energy I can get to tackle these stories. I'll

have a turkey club, Phil.

Oh, boy.

Another $4 .98.

Now I can finally take Phyllis on that cruise.

Look at you guys.

The best team in broadcast journalism, and you can't find one.

busy little happy story.

What an embarrassment.

Oh, and you could do it?

Blindfolded. Phil, I'll take that sandwich to go.

Now, why don't you guys put your heads on the table and take a little nap, and

when Auntie Murphy returns with your happy story, I want to see those frowns

turned upside down.

Unbelievable!

If I told this to somebody, they'd never believe it. If I saw this in a film,

I'd never believe it. This has been the worst afternoon of my life.

You see this shoe, Eldon? You know how I broke it? I'll tell you.

I was interviewing a talented young musician who provides free music for the

poor in Lafayette Park. It was going very well until he dropped his pants and

flashed a tour bus.

So I went back to my car. That's when my purse was stolen.

Actually, I just put it down for a minute. Just enough time to wipe off the

egg that someone had thrown on my windshield.

But then it mattered. After I chased the person at you for ten blocks, I came

back to my car and guess what? It was stolen, Alan! They stole my car!

Why are you just lying, man?

Oh, is it my turn to talk now?

I can't move. I have excruciating lower back pain. What?

It's from stress. Stress? You want to talk about stress? I'll tell you about

stress. I spent the entire afternoon looking for one lousy little

story and came up empty.

There's got to be a happy story out there.

Happy. Help me up and I'll sing a few numbers from Oklahoma.

Really? A struggling artist gets paid over a million dollars for his painting

and his life is transformed.

It's a great story. I'm going to report it. Look at me.

I'm a broken man.

Ever since I sold that painting, I can't eat. I can't sleep. I haven't had a

creative thought in weeks.

Yesterday, I went into the paint store. I ordered three buckets of beige.

I heard myself saying to a guy when I left, working hard or hardly working.

God, I'm becoming a cliche.

Well, that's just great.

I mocked my friends.

I ridiculed them. If I don't nail this story, I can never mock and ridicule

again. I can't live like that.

I've got to go back out there again.

There's no other way around it.

I've got to find one good person who did one good thing or die trying.

Have a nice day.

Oh, God, somebody shoot me.

Thank you so much for coming down to talk about your story, Mr. Gunthauser.

work with troubled adolescents is inspiring. We could use more teachers

you. I agree.

That's just what I told them when they suspended me.

Excuse me?

The charges were completely bogus.

That girl told me she was 18. Besides, I never even touched her.

Well, I did, but just a little.

So, uh, how soon do you think we can get on the air?

Tell me, Mrs. Beale, what made you use your pension money to start a bird

sanctuary? Well, Miss Brown, birds are a vital and beautiful part of our

ecological system.

And there are so many things we can learn from them.

For instance, yesterday, little Petey told me to warn all earthlings to

for an attack of the intergalactic stockman.

Didn't you? Isn't that right, Petey?

Oh, I think he likes you.

It's not that I don't love the lepers, Miss Brown.

It's just that I see them every day.

What I really want to talk about are my hopes for a singing career.

I will be able to sing on the show, won't I?

Hey, bitch, spend it.

Spend a little time with me.

I can sing other things. I play the guitar, you know. I would have started

Climb Every Mountain. but it seemed like an obvious choice.

In the

1984 presidential election,

Walter Mondale lost every state but his native Minnesota.

It was, without a doubt, the most devastating public humiliation I've ever

witnessed. Until this moment.

Okay, I admit it.

I tried to look for a heartwarming story, and I was wrong.

Maybe you guys want to put on party hats and celebrate.

Personally, I'm not in the mood.

Excuse me, Miss Brown.

I'm Richard Cooper. I'm sorry I'm late. But one of the homeless families we feed

was finally able to scrape enough money together to get an apartment, and my

wife and I were helping them move in.

Yeah, right. What do I look like, a moron?

Helping a homeless family. Oh, wait, let me just wipe away the tears.

You probably own the rat -infested slum they're moving into.

Is she always like this when people are late?

What's this?

A collection of thank -you letters from people you've helped, I suppose. Check

it out, guys.

It's the oldest trick in the book. He pays some guy a couple of bucks to sign

letter he didn't even write.

You know, people like you really turn my stomach.

Merv. There's a letter here from Barbara Bush.

Yeah, and one from Jack Kemp and Jesse Jackson. Let me see that.

What a sweet photo of you and that elderly woman. She looks familiar.

There's an inscription.

Dear Richard, and people say I'm a saint. God bless you, Mother Teresa.

Miss Brown, obviously I've offended you in some way, so I think I'll just take

my book and leave.

Oh, whoa!

Wait, Richard, we were just testing you. That's what journalists do. And you

passed, didn't he, guys?

Look, I came here because some publicity might make fundraising easier, but it's

not worth it if I have to spend any more time with her.

But, Richard, it's over, finished. A little summer shower that's left

clean and nice. Sit.

Relax, Murphy, get the man a cup of coffee. A cup of coffee, yes, coming

down. See how much he cares about you? She's even going to get you a donut.

A donut, yes, nice and fresh.

And afterwards, I can take you to see my office. I have a photo of me with

Edward R. Murrow. You can have it if you like. Have you ever driven a 66

Corvette, Rick? You know, after we wrap this thing up, you take it for a little

spin, huh? You see, now you're meeting the real us, a group of loving,

sensitive, and caring people.

Would you come on to our show?

I don't know.

Has she ever hit a guest?

I really apologize.

It's just that we've all been through a lot in the last 24 hours looking for

somebody just like you.

It would mean so much to us if you'd come on the show and give our audience

hope at a time when they so desperately need it.

Will you do it, please?

Well, all right.

Thank you, Frank, for that bleak but powerful look at the ravages of clinical

depression.

When we return, a desperately needed change of pace as Murphy Brown brings us

the heartwarming and uplifting story of community activist Richard Cooper.

And we're into commercial.

God, it's horrible.

depression is an important story. Oh, no, it's not just that, Miles. I just, I

can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

Maybe because it's one minute to air and Murphy's interview isn't here yet.

What do you mean he's not here? Where is he? I have no idea.

Have you ever seen me like this before?

What's wrong?

What's going on? Richard Cooper isn't here. John is not where he is. What?

Jim just told the entire country I was bringing them a happy story.

Now what am I supposed to say? Sorry, America, just kidding.

your window.

Richard,

you have no idea how glad we are you're here. This week has been such an

emotional rollercoaster and they would have looked like you were gone, but that

doesn't matter. I just want you to relax.

All right, let's just settle in people. Here we go.

Going live in five, four, three, two.

Welcome back.

All too often we at FYI. find ourselves concentrating on the darker aspects of

life. But tonight, Murphy Brown reminds us of the brighter side as she brings us

a story of love, compassion, and selflessness.

Murphy.

Thank you, Jim. For the last six years, Richard Cooper and his wife Cindy have

devoted themselves to feeding the homeless and helping them regain a sense

self -worth.

It's an enormous job and one you and Cindy should be very proud of. Oh, yeah.

I'm just busting my buttons.

Tell me, Richard, how did you and Cindy decide to devote so much of your time to

helping others?

Well, Cindy and I, my wife of ten years, had the same goal, to make the world a

better place. Little did I know what a smug the woman was.

A lying, conniving little tramp.

Well, maybe we won't talk about Cindy anymore. Maybe we'll just talk about the

good things that you've done feeding people who have no need. She left me.

She left me two hours ago. She ran off with a cook from the shelter.

Well, gee, that's a hell of a break. But there's no point in dwelling on the

past, right? So let's go back to the happy part of your story.

You've been very successful raising funds for your shelter. How have you

accomplished that? Well, my wife Cindy had a real gift for sweet -talking

people. She used to meet with these businessmen and come back with huge

donations. I could never figure out how she did it.

Now I know.

We've taken up enough of your valuable time. I'm sure you want to get back to

the wonderful work you do.

People are scum. You know that?

Scum! I mean, what is the point of living?

That is what I would like to know. You try to help people, you get kicked in

teeth. I hope the plane crashes, you bitch!

Jim.

Jim, take it.

Jim, please.

Fascinating. And informative.

Oh, the hell with it. Good night.

I'm out.

I'm going to Phil's. I may not come back.

Did you hear me? I cursed on the air. In 25 years, I've never done that. Maybe I

should just quit.

Oh, come on, everyone.

Let's not get down on ourselves.

We try to say something positive, and I think we should feel good about that.

Excuse me, everyone. I want to apologize for blowing up like that.

Oh, it's a little late in the day for that, you know.

All we wanted was one nice story, but no!

You had to come here with your petty little... Corky!

Corky!

Okay, Richard. I mean, after what just happened, we can understand how you

reacted. It's just so unlike me.

Well, I guess I'd better get down to the shelter.

We're going to have to do some fast improvising if we want to make it

breakfast tomorrow.

You're going back?

After everything that's just happened?

Oh, I have to.

There are a lot of people depending on me.

Well, so long, and I'm sorry I let you all down.

Wow.

Did you hear that? The guy's going back.

Incredible.

I say we take our cameras down to his shelter and get the story we've been

looking for.

I think that's a wonderful idea.

Why don't we go to Phil's and put this whole crazy week behind us?

I think Miles should treat.

Good thinking. Thank you, Miles.

My pleasure.

Hey, Murph.

Son?

Murphy?

Don't do this.

You're the one we always depend on, the one who never caves.

Don't do this.

I can't help it.

because the driver didn't want to make it on schedule. Stop!

They won't take him to the hospital because he doesn't have exact change.

I can't take anymore.

I'm on very thin ice here, and if one more bad thing happens, I'm going to

right through.

Excuse me, Murphy, and Officer McCallan's outside. He wanted you to

found your car.

They did?

It's in here.

through this slugger. We can work together. I'm going to get this guy.

I'm going to find him. Murphy, you can't find him. It's impossible.

No, it isn't.

I'm going to find him, and I'm going to attach this gear knob to him, and then

I'm going to shift him until he begs for mercy.

Oh, jeez. He's all right. Can we just go to Phil?

Then I'm going to finish my savings and loans story.

You know, if it weren't for people like us to keep the world honest, I don't

know what we'd do. You know how they say there's a fistful of peanuts in every

Snickers bar?

Whose fist are they talking about? A child's fist or a grown -up fist? I'm

to check on that.