Original subtitles

Elvin, have you seen my other shoe?

And I had a yellow pad with notes on it. Oh, well, running a little late on a

Monday again? Well, how very unlike you.

Oh, God.

I hate carpool days when Corky drives.

Elton, don't just stand there. Help me. It's a black suede pump and a legal

-sized pad.

And where are my house keys? You've done something with them, haven't you?

You know, I don't have to keep coming here.

I'm a rich man now. I could be at the movies.

That's what rich people do, you know. They go to the movies in the daytime.

I know,

because when I was unemployed, I would go to the movies in the daytime and see

the rich people.

Here's my other shoe.

Rich people and dead people, side by side, watching the same big -budget

bomb with no engaging characters, no engaging story.

I sell a painting for over a million bucks, and the quality of my life has

changed at all.

Here's my pad.

Eldon, can you get that? I want to go in the kitchen and see if there's anything

to eat.

Well, why would there be anything to eat?

There's never anything to eat in this place.

Aren't rich guys supposed to walk around going, Ooh, I'm stuffed.

I'm never answering doors for people.

Something's definitely wrong here.

I've been honking out there for ten minutes.

She's trying to make breakfast again.

And even a hello.

I'll be at the armory seeing the boat show.

I don't know why.

Corky, hi.

How would you like a nice cheese and mushroom omelet, just a little runny in

middle so all the flavors come together, and then some nice hot buttered wheat

toast on the side?

Gee, that sounds really good.

Maybe just a pork bowl. Great. You go in there and cook it, and I'll just run

upstairs and collect my notes.

Murphy!

Because of you, everyone we're picking up is going to be standing out in the

snow, waiting and freezing.

I wanted to be on time today.

I bought a new car, and this is my first day driving it. You got a new car?

Corky, this calls for a celebration.

I know.

Let's make omelets. No omelets. We have to go now.

I left Frank in the car alone.

He's really depressed. I think he has a donut on him. He says he doesn't, but I

can smell it.

I just know he's going to get powdered sugar all over my new upholstery. What's

he depressed about now?

I don't know. But he has his saxophone, so it must be pretty bad.

Now let's go.

Okay, okay.

My keys.

Before you get in, make sure you scrape the mud and ice on your feet so you

don't get the floor mats dirty.

Murphy, these are brand new Herculon 4 quality weave floor mats. And they work

great. You know, the whole point of a floor mat is to catch the crud so that

when you put your feet up on the dashboard, you don't get it dirty.

Thank you, Frank.

Lovely riding in the same car with you today.

Shut up.

You got your saxophone, Frank.

Let me guess. You just broke up with, what's her name? Darla?

Marla? Carla? Susan.

Well, that was our sixth incentive date.

Ooh, a breakthrough.

I decided to take her out to celebrate.

I sat down at the table and I looked across the candle better and I thought

myself, this woman is perfect.

Then it started happening.

That wave of nausea.

Well, to myself, nobody's perfect.

What am I going to find out about her? That she has to spend an hour in the

bathroom before she can go out in public? She lets the dog watch during

Let's see what's on radio.

Good idea.

By the time the ballad chorus came, I was breaking up with it. Do you want to

hear the sinking part?

I think it was premeditated.

Before we went to dinner, I put on my suede jacket, but then I took it off and

went with the wool.

Some disgusting part of me knew that mascara and tear stains might not come

of a suede jacket.

Am I supposed to be quirky?

What do they call it?

Fabric. Who didn't feel right about the leather package now that he's a

vegetarian? Are you going to talk about your marriage for the whole trip?

Because if you are, I'm going to get out and take a bus.

Love. Love.

Love will keep us together.

That's enough of that.

And now it's time for today's trivia question.

A real shocker.

Which of the five senses are you most likely to lose if you're hit by

We'll open the phones at the top of the hour to take your call.

I say you lose your hearing. I say touch.

Ever gotten an electrical shock? It takes a while to get the feeling back.

What do you think, Frank?

What difference does it make?

I guess it could if you took the lightning bolt in the ear, Corky.

When I was growing up, my Aunt Madeline lived on a farm and had this retriever

named Goldie.

One time there was this really bad electrical storm.

Next day there was this really strange look in Goldie's eyes and almost all of

her fur was gone.

Nobody knew for sure if she was actually hit by lightning, but from that day on,

whenever we called, Goldie!

Goldie! She never came.

No scientific, Corky. A lonely farmer shaves your aunt's dog and you assume

lightning.

Do not litter in my car. Put it in the trash bag.

I wish I could throw this whole thing in the trash. I'm trying to make out my

will. Your will?

And what makes you laugh this morning, Frank?

After 42 years of trying to take it all with me, I finally decided I'm just

going to give up.

God, what a dismal exercise this is going to be.

I'm putting you down for my shoes, Corky. If you don't want them, there are

plenty of other people who do.

There's Miles. I bet he's really surprised.

I didn't tell him I was getting a new car.

They've been standing out in the snow for 12 minutes.

What's the excuse to do your Murphy Skylab ball in your house again?

You just lost an original Howdy Doody cookie jar, Miles.

And why didn't you wait in the lobby?

Because I think my doorman was on America's Most Wanted last night.

Oh, no, the saxophone.

Do you mind? I'm not some circus freak. I don't want Miles sitting in the back.

You know how he gets the car sick.

Fine, I'll sit up front.

Hey, why do I have to sit in the back just because he gets car sick on a 16

-minute drive?

And speaking of time, we've got to pick up the pace. Jim will be a block of ice.

Which is why you should let me drive, Corky. My new car?

Drive my new car?

No, drive your goatherd. Yes.

I don't know. Will you let her drive, Corky? I'm turning blue out here.

Carpool is my middle name.

Okay, everybody sit back and relax. Let's see what this baby can do.

Wait, there's someone out there.

Good morning, carpoolers. Audrey, what are you doing down here? In my robe.

I don't want to hold anyone up. But you forgot your lunch, Miles.

And your gloves.

He's so forgetful.

I made the gloves that we could coat just before we went to bed. Okay,

Audrey. No, thank you, Kiki. For the most wonderful weekend, we stayed in the

entire time.

cooked, read, made a big fire, and then... Audrey, why don't you go inside

before you catch a cold, okay?

I'll be thinking about you all day.

Bye, Pookie.

Bye, Pookie.

What a weekend!

I'll never have that.

Never. It was hideous. One of the worst of my life. She stayed the entire

weekend. She'd never done that before.

Saturday morning, she made me breakfast.

Buttermilk pancakes in the shapes of little hearts.

You know what I had for breakfast?

Three chips of hoys and a can of water chips. Yesterday, she did my laundry.

folded my jockey shorts into little squares.

I found a note inside of one of them.

We're on a train that's moving towards that big station called Living Together.

That's when there is just a short cab ride to Marriage City.

You know, Miles, you should appreciate what you have.

A lot of guys out there looking for somebody just like Audrey. Believe me, I

know.

And what exactly does that mean, Frank?

Are you saying that if I were to break up with Audrey, you would ask her out?

I don't know. I'd clear it with you first. Oh, so you've been thinking about

I mean, you've been giving it some thought. You are amazing, Frank. I'm

practically living with the woman.

So, me, if I catch you near her, if you so much as drive, On her side of town.

Okay, that's enough.

Let's talk about something else.

If you were struck by lightning, which of the five senses do you think you'd be

most likely to lose?

What? Trust me. Just give her a simple answer. It'll make your life much more

pleasant. I said touch.

And I say hearing. My aunt had this retriever named Goldie. Oh, jeez. We're

with the fried dog already.

I go with the sense of smell.

It's one of the most evolved in nature.

Snakes smell with their tongue.

Bet you didn't know that.

Sounds like you and Corky flunked out of the same science class.

I have the right answer.

You'll see.

Jim will back me up.

It's really late.

Oh, no. I hope he's waiting inside and not outside on the curb.

Okay, I read you loud and clear. Let's throw this thing into warp speed and

up some time.

If I leave Judy in payroll, my silver

earrings, then I have to leave Darlene and research something.

Murphy, there's a man... truck at the intersection what frank you're getting

spit on my neck please don't write while you drive it makes me nervous relax

gorky you're talking to a woman who once took off a pair of pantyhose doing 80

down the macarthur expressway i just want to get as much of my will done as i

can today then i won't have to think about it anymore you're making out your

will oh this is perfect at least when they pull our bodies out of the twisted

wreckage one of us will have her affairs in order marv would like my record

collection give me that

What's this?

You're leaving Frank the football Bobby Candy gave you? Really?

Of course.

I won't have any children to throw it to.

Well, by leaving you the moon rock Buzz Aldrin gave me at the NASA Christmas

party. A rock?

Fine. Give me a rock.

I've seen it, you know. I think Buzz got it out of his yard.

A bunch of ingrates.

Corky, if you're not happy with my shoes, speak now.

Oh, just what I want. The dead person's shoes.

And for your information, Murphy, I didn't flunk science.

I gotta be plus.

Well, what is it with me and relationships?

A therapist once suggested that in running away from women, I was running

from myself.

I don't know. I questioned her objectivity. I was sneaking out of her

at the time.

We're too close to the woman in front of us. I can see the mole on the back of

her neck. Murphy,

slow down. You'll miss Jim.

No, Miles.

I was considering leaving you the rock and my good sheets, but now I don't

Murph, stop. I can't.

All right.

Listen to Frank. Don't listen to Corky. What does she know?

Morning, all.

Stunning car, Corky. Why in the name of Buddha are you letting Murphy drive it?

She's finished driving. She's at it with everyone's whining. Miles is going to

drive. Sit right up front here, Jim. You're about to embark on Mr.

Toad's wild ride.

Thank you very much, bride of evil Knievels.

Ow.

Ow.

I see you have your saxophone, Frank.

Lost another one, eh?

Who's your name? Mary.

Carrie. Carrie.

I have to ask you something, Jim.

If someone were struck by lightning, which of the five senses do you think

they'd be most likely to lose?

Good God, Corky, did Will play golf in the rain?

No, it's a trivia question from the radio.

Excuse me, why are we just sitting here? What are you doing, Miles?

Getting to know the car. It's what a safe and sane driver does.

Oh, God, I'm going to have a birthday before we get there. Just put it in gear

and step on it, will you?

The lightning question, Jim. What do you think the answer is?

Well... Taking into account that the human eye, with the inclusion of the

vitreous humor in the ciliary body, is 87 % moisture, the intense heat would

surely dehydrate the organ and destroy it.

So what are you saying, Jim? That hearing would be the wrong answer?

Couldn't be hearing. That's too obvious a choice.

Oh, I see.

It's not enough that I'm wrong. Now I'm obvious.

Well, I... What I meant was... was... Frank, what do you think the answer is?

I don't know. What's left?

Nobody took taste, right? Give me taste.

Oh, fine.

Frank would rather take a leftover answer than agree with me.

Nobody ever thinks I'm right about anything.

Taste is a stupid answer, Frank. Why would you even choose it? Why?

I don't know, because I've never seen anyone hit by lightning get up and ask

a meatball sandwich. Just leave me alone.

Corky, what are you waiting to get your big deal out of this for? It's just a

trivia question.

It's not just a trivia question. It happens all the time. Remember last week

when Murphy needed to know the capital of Morocco and I said it was Marrakesh,

but she looked it up anyway?

Is it Rabat, the capital of Morocco? No, I was wrong.

If Frank or Jim had said it was Marrakesh, she wouldn't have bothered to

up.

And it's not just Murphy.

It's everybody.

After a while, it makes me feel like... Never mind.

Murphy, would you like the matching handbag?

Nobody talk to me for the rest of the trip, okay?

You may have to step on it, Miles. That local make... The magazine show was

interviewing me at 9 .30 sharp.

The P .M. Washington interview?

I'm surprised, Jim. I thought you were going to turn that down.

Well, to be quite honest, I never would have agreed to it if I didn't have such

an amusing anecdote stored away.

It's a jewel.

Potified science winner.

Gee, I think we could use one of those right about now, Jim.

August, 1988.

Rather, Brokaw and I are in Baghdad covering the Iran -Iraq ceasefire. Not a

single rental car could be had, but Rather found a local gentleman with two

camels and one very large yak.

Well... Jim, if this is the story where the yak goes off with Rather on its

back, Peter Jennings told it already in an Esquire interview, except he said it

happened to Rather broke on him.

That's unbelievable.

Not that I'm surprised.

That man's a Canadian.

Still here, still has jobs, still has anecdotes. Does he even have a green

We haven't actually seen it. Take it easy, Jimbo. You have other stories.

Yes, sir.

Let me see.

Done there. 1967.

I was backstage at the USO show, talking to that wonderful ventriloquist, Sherry

Lewis, when just before going on, she couldn't find her little puppet, Lamb

Chop. Really? What happened?

She found it. The damn thing was in the trunk. That's the story. The whole

incredible, boring story.

I once shared a cab with George Gobel. Was that anything?

Good God.

Thirty years in this business, and I can't think of one single anecdote.

Hold on, everybody. Yellow light.

You're stopping for a yellow light. We're late. Just go through it. Are you

driving this car? I'm stopping. I'll just pop the brakes.

I'm in control.

I don't know how it happened.

The brakes just locked on me.

I've never skidded across three lanes of traffic sideways like that before.

I'd like you to kill me before I can sign this thing and make it official.

Very good, Frank.

Keeping all four wheels on the ground the way you are.

Interesting, isn't it?

Traffic hurtling at us 60 miles an hour.

And nothing separating us but a little white line.

I feel fragile.

Frank, maybe you shouldn't be behind a wheel right now.

Why? You don't have to look at me when you talk. I hate when people do that.

Stop my...

Stop lights, they take forever.

Whoa, 68 Mustang convertible.

Classic car.

Great looking woman in it.

Recognizes me.

And is smiling at me.

And won't look away.

I'll be back.

Amazing. It's 15 degrees out there and Frank's showing her the bullet wound he

got in Nicaragua.

Look, they're tearing down the Cremant building.

Anybody know what they're going to put up there? I do, but I won't bother

telling you because you'll only ask someone else.

This is really annoying.

We don't think you're dumb.

It's just that occasionally we think you're underexposed to information.

If I'm right about the trivia question, if the correct answer is hearing, then

you all have to agree with me for the rest of the day, no matter what I say.

Okay? Okay.

Her name is Julie.

She just ended a three -year relationship, so I'm not sure if I

involved. I'll know better after this weekend.

We're going to Bermuda.

Unbelievable.

Well, that's it. My will.

You know... I've been putting this off because I thought it would be a

depressing experience, your whole life on one piece of paper.

But when I look at it, I have to say, Murphy Brown has had one hell of a life.

Hey, Jim, look at this. Look.

Murphy, I'm driving.

Item 44, the nutcracker I used when I shared a lobster with Terry Grant.

pretty great that's for you and item 27 the cue cards from nixon's i am not a

crook speech framed and ready for hanging will become the property of the

of broadcasting oh boy this feels great my affairs are in order i am ready i can

go at any time look out for that car i see it i see it okay so i'm not ready

this minute thank god we're here

It's mine, Carmelo.

And Carmelo, I'd like you to park in a different space from now on.

The person who parks next to me flings the doors open and leaves little dents

it.

The car is just a meaningless object, Corky. Unburden yourself of this

connection to the material world and deepen your perspective on the true

of life. This from a woman who once broke someone's arm in a Norma Kamali

Hey, hey, give me the answer to today's trivia question. I want to hear this.

The correct answer is the sense of hearing.

Me too, but it was such an easy question.

You'd have to have the brains of a trout not to be able to get it.

Carmelo, gas barbecue out.

I don't understand what she's talking about.

Take care of my car, Carmelo. It's amazing we got it here in one piece.

I say the capital of Morocco is America.

What does everyone else say?

America is America.

Today is going to be so much fun.

Those people from P .M. Washington are upstairs waiting for me.

I know.

I'll tell my Charles de Gaulle story, of course. Why didn't I think of that

before? Because everyone's heard it, Jim.

My God, you're as exciting as wood.

You know, just once I'd like this elevator to be here at the same time as

Time? What is time? A corporeal measure of light and faith. A human boundary.

Holy moly, it's 9 .15. The snack cart will be gone. Come on, come on. What's

running this thing anyway? A hamster?

That's why you say I'm a hermit.

The girl in the Mustang, her name was Donna, right?

Julie. Jeez, Frank, you're a menace to society. Hey, it's got to be me.

I think I'll call Audrey and see if she wants to come over tonight.

I won't tell an anecdote. I'll tell a joke instead.

A priest administered a rabbi, walk into a bar and... What?

What?