Original subtitles

It's five o 'clock, it's five o 'clock, rest of the holiday style.

And in there, there's a feeling of Christmas.

Children laughing, people passing, meeting smile for smile.

You're a senior producer, Mike. You've been shut out in Afghanistan. You

smuggled tape out of Beirut. So when I send you out to buy a read, why...

Ping tell me he's not too old to run China.

To prove it, we did the entire interview on a bicycle built for two.

He made me sit up front, and then the weasel didn't pedal once.

Murphy! Welcome back, my little Jasmine bud.

Did you bring me lots of exciting news from the mysterious East? Oh, you bet,

Miles. I got a shot of me and Dong taking a header over the handlebars of a

Schwinn.

Excuse me, I'm going to return a few phone calls and then go home to bed.

Good idea. You deserve it. And right after our story meeting, you can do just

that. Oh, come on, Miles. I'm exhausted.

Murphy, get back here.

Story meeting, Murphy.

I believe I'm talking to you, miss.

Corky, enough with the Christmas decorations.

Story meeting. Let's go.

Almost done.

Jim, see, Jim's here. Always on time, focused, ready to go. Miles, if someone

were sending you a gift basket, would you like tropical fruits, including

and kiwis, or would you prefer cheeses of the world?

Jim, please, we've got a lot to do. Would you put the catalog away? Okay,

got, Frank, four out of five. Sit down, Frank, we're running late. Frank, which

excites you most?

Exotic fruits or tasty cheeses delivered fresh to your door each month?

Oh, man, not this again.

Fruits, cheeses.

Jim, let me clue you in. I don't know anybody who looks at their calendar and

says, it's March. Oh, boy, Cheddar Month!

Okay, Murphy's back. Here we go, here we go.

Let's get this meeting over with so I can go home and get some sleep.

That's what I'm trying to do. But some people would rather play Santa's

than put a show on the air. Well, bah humbug to you too, Miles.

You know what your problem is?

You just don't understand the spirit of giving.

Oh, really?

Today's the first night of Hanukkah. With seven more nights after that, I had

get gifts for 14 relatives.

You think I don't know about the spirit of giving? Call up MasterCard. They'll

tell you.

Say, I hate this whole season.

I go into a store, I wander around for hours agonizing over what to buy people.

Before I know it, it's Christmas Eve and I'm in the drugstore on the corner

buying whatever's left.

And believe me, if you're giving someone a hemorrhoid pillow for Christmas, you

better write a really funny card or chances are she's not going out with you

again.

You know, guys, I don't know about the rest of you, but I think this whole gift

-giving thing has gotten completely out of hand.

I just came back from a country where people have so little.

We have so much.

Maybe this Christmas we could do something more useful.

I mean, do any of us really need another cheese basket?

Fine. You're getting the exotic fruits.

All I'm saying is maybe we should forget about giving each other gifts. We could

take the money and give it to charity instead.

You know what?

This is a great idea.

We do a good deed and cut down on anxiety and inefficiency at the office,

It does seem closer to the true meaning of Christmas.

But the only way this is going to work is if we make a pact.

Okay, everybody, assume pact positions.

We all agree to give the money we would have spent on gifts to charity.

Nobody buys anything for anyone. No exceptions.

What do you say? I think it's great.

Count me in. Good going, Merth. What a relief.

All right.

Do the holidays stress you?

Now, Lynn, remember, it's our little secret, right?

You really shouldn't have, Murphy. Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Oh, Marv, can I see you in my office, please?

Now, Marv, I know we weren't supposed to do this, but it's Christmas Eve and

we've worked together for a long time, so I just wanted to get you a little

something. I wouldn't even call it a gift. It's what?

It's a gesture, that's all. So just take it and put it under your tree.

Hey, Murph, you're never going to guess who I ran into at the... Oh, hi, Frank.

Hi. What are you guys doing?

Uh, nothing.

Uh, Marv just wanted my opinion on this charming gift he bought his wife. I

think it's great, Marv. She's going to love it. Oh, really? What is it, Marv?

Uh... Uh, it's a hat.

Well, it's a beret, actually.

Pulled it up.

It'll look cute as the dickens on her, Marv.

Bye. Gee, congratulations, Marv. I didn't know you'd gotten married.

Merry Christmas from Murphy.

Well, isn't this nice? You snake.

You cheater.

Thanks, Murphy. I thought we had a deal. No gifts for anybody.

You were the one who said it.

I know, I know, and I wasn't going to buy anything, honest.

I made out my check to charity, and then I started thinking, I've worked with

these people for years. How can I not get them a little something? Them? How

many of them are we talking about?

Not many.

Lynn.

Marv.

Shirley.

Maybe 30. 30?

How could you do this?

I work with these people, too. I care about them, but you think they're going

believe that?

I can just hear them now. Isn't Murphy wonderful? We love Murphy.

Isn't Frank cheap? We hate Frank.

Thanks a lot. It's Christmas Eve and now I've got to go buy 30 presents.

I have got a good mind not even to give you this.

What's that?

What do you think it is? It's a present.

What do you mean?

We agreed we weren't going to give each other gifts.

You know, you have got the worst poker face I have ever seen.

What, you want me to believe you bought presents for the entire bullpen but

didn't buy one for your best friend?

Come on, we've been exchanging presents for 13 years.

Oh, boy, Frank, you can read me like a book.

Okay, I did get you something, but it's not here now.

I've been tracing that darn package day and night, and the post office tells me

it's now as close as West Virginia, so it should be here very soon.

Well, it's not like I have time to open it anyway. I've got to go buy 30

presents on Christmas Eve. I can't believe you did this to me.

I just screened your piece on Jim Baker. I have some comments, a few

suggestions. Do you have a minute? Oh, well, actually, no. I'm in a pretty big

hurry. Oh, okay. I guess it can wait.

Is everything all right?

Why? Why do you ask?

You just seem to be a little bit jumpy. I guess it's the holiday.

It tends to do that to people.

Although our little pact certainly has made things easier.

No running through stores, no last -minute shopping.

I've really got to go, Jim.

Although, as long as we're on the subject, I didn't want to mention this

but, well...

I saw Frank the other day and Lord and Taylor at the jewelry counter.

He was spending quite a bit of money on some earrings.

Now, we all know Vicki in accounting told him to go to hell last week, so he

to.

I hate to suggest this, but I was just wondering maybe if he was buying

something for you.

That couldn't be possible.

Jim, what were you doing in Lord and Taylor?

Shopping for Doris.

Shopping for Doris.

Shopping for Doris.

You don't think that I... You made a pact, Murphy.

I know.

A pact.

Pacts are very important.

Pacts should never, ever be broken, except in special circumstances, and

then it would be bad.

You sound a little bit defensive.

Why would you say I sound defensive?

Why would you ask?

I've got to go now.

Bye, Jim.

I'll leave these notes on your desk.

Dear Lord.

or gym neighbors in the Holy Land? No, no, Corky.

Why are you in such a hurry?

Ask Murphy. Ask Frank.

By the way, do you have a pair of Isototers? Yes. Why?

Oh, no reason.

Here we go, Miles.

Bill's contribution to your Christmas charity drive.

Thanks, Bill. But please, it's not a Christmas charity drive.

It's a non -sectarian, non -denominational holiday charity drive.

Is it tax deductible?

Yes. Then you can call it anything you want.

I call it genius, Phil.

I recognize the great idea, and I ran with it.

And look at the results.

Everyone on the show has contributed, and for the last two weeks, the office

been stress -free and full of holiday cheer.

Get up off your butt, Miles. We've got a big problem.

What are you talking about? I just...

Frank and Jim are out buying presents right now for the whole office.

Oh, come on, Corky. They wouldn't do that. We made a deal.

Deal? Schmeal.

I'm telling you, they're cheating, and it's not fair.

The whole office is going to think I don't care.

Well, I'm not going to let that happen, Miles. When the chips are down, I can

shop as fast as anyone.

Corky, don't do it. Don't do it.

We made a pact, and we can't go back on it. Someone's got to show a little

integrity here.

Oh, that's great, Miles. Just what Earl in the mailroom wants for Christmas, a

big box of integrity. The man has a...

in his trunk.

Go ahead.

Join the masses.

Miles Silverberg does not cave in.

Pretty gutsy decision, Miles.

This is what's wrong with the world, Phil.

When people think the rules don't apply to them, you have nothing but chaos.

I refuse to buy presents.

Even if I'm the only one not participating, I'll be making a

People will say, he didn't give in.

Not Miles Silverberg.

The boss.

The Jewish boss.

The only one who did my Christmas presents for anyone in the office. Oh,

Miles! Hey, how you doing?

Just great, Frank.

What do you got there?

Groceries? What?

Oh, these are... It's, uh, for my family.

Good, Frank.

First you cheat, and then you lie.

Nice way to celebrate the birth of your lord.

Phil, give me a beer.

This last -minute Christmas shopping's pretty thirsty work, huh, Frank? It

wasn't my fault. I bought one lousy present for Murphy. She's the one who

for the office staff.

I hate this holiday.

Having such anxiety.

I bought the same thing for everybody, but I'm not sure.

What is it?

30 pre -wrapped coffee mugs showing the Peanuts characters in the nativity

scene.

It's a thought that counts, Frank.

Although you might consider getting a Hanukkah gift for Miles. He's kind of

sensitive about this Christmas thing.

Especially since he found out you guys are out buying presents for each other.

What are you talking about? We're not buying anything for each other. We have

agreement. You had an agreement. What you have now is 20 minutes before the

drugstore on the corner.

This is unbelievable.

The drugstore again.

Every year it's the same damn thing.

There is no escaping destiny, Phil. Don't even try.

Good news, Frank. Your gift just came. Not now.

What's the matter with Frank?

He just found out he has to buy gifts for Corky, Miles, and Jim.

What? What's he doing that for?

We agreed we wouldn't. We made a promise.

Gee, somebody in Washington broke a promise. I'm stunned.

I don't believe this.

Where am I going to get presents for them now?

I've really had it with this holiday.

Why couldn't those three wise men have just taken the family out to dinner?

Go you!

Jesus, this and that.

Corky. Well, hello there, Corky. Look who's here, Miles.

Corky. Hi there, Corky.

Wrapping paper's on sale. That's why I'm here, for wrapping paper. Nothing more.

Oh, really?

You wouldn't by any chance be buying gifts, would you? For people you know?

People you work with?

Why do you ask, Corky? Any particular reason you're in this store now, looking

half -crazed? Committing some sort of drive -by shopping, are you?

Oh, you two don't fool me for one second. I know what you're doing. You're

buying... Christmas presents for me, aren't you? Of all the rotten, low,

inconsistent... And you're not doing the same?

Shame on you. We had an agreement. Oh, nice agreement.

I know you bought me something, Jim. Admit it. You bought me something. I

buy you anything, Miles. Sure, fine. Go buy the Jewish guy a Christmas gift. See

if I care.

I'm not going to take the heat for this. I want it on record this is all

Murphy's fault.

Hi,

Murphy.

Doing a little shopping?

I hope you all have an explanation for this.

I think we were just about to ask you the same question.

Who are those gnomes for, Murphy?

What lucky person here is about to become the proud owner of this little

Gee, I hope it's me.

I'll put him on my bed stand where I can see him every night and maybe I'll name

him Waldo.

You've got a lot of nerve, Jim.

Ceramic asparagus?

No home is complete without one of these little beauties.

That was for you, Murphy.

But since you obviously don't care for this gift, then you'd like to accompany

me to Tiffany's, where we can pick out a nice big crown for Her Majesty.

I don't have to do that.

I'll just take this lovely rodent cookie jar.

Don't touch that.

That's for court.

loudspeaker. They're not broken.

Look, they're modular.

This head can go with this body, and now this one doesn't have any legs, so he

could be out of this little knothole.

All right, nobody move.

Who is responsible for this? All right, you, come with me. We're going to pay a

little visit to the manager.

This is an outrage. I hardly touched them. They're defective.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

They hate the mugs. I

knew this would happen.

Quit whining, Frank. At least you got them something.

Of course, I could always hand out these gnome parts.

That would be good. Now that I'm the proud... owner of the entire colony.

Okay, that's it. Seven o 'clock. Party's over. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I

think I'll go home and hang myself from the Christmas tree.

Eldon, what are you doing here?

Hey, greetings, everybody. Listen, I'm not going to be at your place later, so

just decided to stop by and give you a little something in celebration of this

joyous season.

Oh, no, not another present. I can't deal with this.

Take it back. Whatever it is, I don't want it.

You know, it's always such a treat to do something nice for you.

You know, will you just take it so I can get out of here?

Thank you. Happy holidays.

Better not be a bill.

A donation has been made in your name to the Campbell's Home for Children.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, well, you know, people get all nuts at Christmas, buying stuff for

everybody. I think that it takes away from the true meaning of Christmas.

Of course, not everybody feels that way, so if you're disappointed, it's not a

cheese basket or something.

No, Eldon.

I think this is a pretty terrific gift.

Well, hey, I'd love to stick around, but this party's getting a little too wild

for me.

Hey, people, calm down. Somebody's going to get hurt here.

Come on, Eldon. Stay and have some punch.

Sorry, but I've got to get to the home. I'm going to help cook Christmas Eve

dinner for the little ones.

You never told me about this.

Well, it's just something I do. It makes me feel good.

And it's more enjoyable than sitting in your living room watching you throw

water balloons at Christmas carolers.

Joyous Noel to everybody.

Merry Christmas.

Look at us.

How did we get so far away from what we set out to do?

It's Christmas. I don't want to be mad at you guys.

I don't want to be mad either.

I've never been mad on any major holiday.

I'd like to point out that we raised quite a bit of money for charity. We

be feeling good. At least we got that right.

I think we do exactly the same thing next year and really stick to our

Good, because I've been banned from that drugstore for life.

Well, guys, I guess I'll see you next week.

Happy holidays. I really mean it. Merry Christmas, Murphy.

I think I'll just check the address of the Campbell home in case Eldon needs an

extra pair of hands.

Gee, Murph, you in a kitchen with kids nearby? That sounds kind of dangerous to

me. Maybe I'd better go along with you. You know, that place is right on my way

home, more or less.

I think I'll stop by.

Doris doesn't expect me home for a while.

I'm coming, too. I know something really fun we can do on the way over. We can

sing the 12 Days of Christmas. I know all the words.

You know, most people get stuck on Ten Lords a -Leaping. Corky.

I don't mean to correct you, but it's nine lords a -leaping. No, no, no. It's

nine swans a -swimming, eight ladies dancing, seven lords a -leaping. Six

a -leaping, not six, nine. I've been singing that song for 40 years. It's

definitely seven and a half.

Come on, let's just sing the song.