Original subtitles

Baron, you and your organization time off for us.

You don't mind if I just call it tofu, do you?

You gals over there at tofu, you want leave of absence with no risk of losing

your job every time you've got a bun in the oven.

I mean, what do you think of that, huh, gang?

Oh, shut up, you!

Good Lord, I'm yelling at a television. You see what this man does to me?

I can't believe Murphy ever went out with Jerry Gold. He's crude and nasty,

you just know he's got one of those really hairy backs.

I don't even want to think about it. I was so repulsed by the relationship, I

spent three months in therapy talking about it.

Three months talking about somebody else's sickness.

That's not sick, I don't know what is.

If I live to be 100, I'll never understand what Murphy Brown saw in that

Well, for starters, the sex was pretty good.

Murphy!

Our good friend and colleague, wearing those shoes that make no noise.

We were absolutely not talking about your affair with Jerry Gold.

Unless you heard everything we said, in which case, Jim started it.

Look, guys, it's all right. Right. We only dated for a couple of weeks. I

expect you to understand how the relationship happened. I'm not sure I

understand it either. But it's been over a year, and I'm finally over it. I

think it's time you got over it, too.

Hi, everybody.

That's it.

As you all know, this is our last show.

Maybe Oprah and Waldo don't mind spending their time listening to every

weirdo that comes down the pipe, but after eight years, I have just had it.

did it that is unbelievable jerry gold left a 30 share show let the villagers

rejoice oh good you're all here so you get right

to these few minor announcements first some of you have been parking too close

to the edge of your space making it difficult for others to get in and out

their car second jerry gold's joining our show third cafeteria tray should not

leave the cafeteria wait a minute

Did we just hear you say Jerry Gold is joining FYI? That's not what you said,

it? That couldn't be what you said, could it?

Sometimes I really hate this job.

How could you do this?

How could you? He trusted you.

Traitor! Traitor!

I didn't think I'd feel about it.

I hate the idea just as much as you do.

The network says we're getting too much mail accusing us of having a liberal

bias.

They say that bringing Jerry on with his unique viewpoint will balance that.

This is a nightmare.

I always have this kind of dream when the blanket gets all twisted and I can't

move my arms.

He's not going to be sitting at our anchor desk, is he, Miles? I don't want

that. It's our desk. You have to build him his own little desk and it can't be

touching ours.

Murphy, you're not saying anything.

How do I feel about this?

How do I feel? I want you to know I really fought the network. On the one

it could be horrible.

On the other hand, I could rise above it.

I could do it as a test of my character. I could accept a situation like a

professional journalist. Oh, I hate that. No, guys, I'm sorry.

I'm surprised to hear myself say this, but the idea of seeing Jerry Gold again

doesn't affect me one way or the other.

For the first time, I really know it's over.

I don't believe this, Murph. You don't care if Jerry Gold is on FYI? Of course

do. I hate the idea of giving him and his politics airtime. But if Miles said

did everything he could, then what else can we do?

You did threaten to quit, didn't you, Miles?

Oh, you bet.

Well,

hi there, co -workers.

Jerry's here.

Yes, the happy day has finally arrived. And who'd have thought it, huh?

Jerry Gold on FYI.

You know, I wish I'd brought my camera.

I mean, talk about your Kodak moments.

Welcome to FYI, Jerry.

We want you to know that even though we've had our differences in the past,

we're willing to give it a shot if you are.

Well, I'm touched, really.

I don't know what to say except, oh, what the hell.

I know, Jim.

It feels good to me, too.

want the others to get jealous doing and fontana my compliments to you on a

fascinating piece you did on the fight of the farmer but you have to tell me

it turns out because i dozed off while you were riding the tractor and sherwood

tell me something have you ever figured out why drive -in movies don't have

matinees

How have you been?

Well, just fine. Thank you.

Good. How's life treating you?

Oh, can't complain.

Well, that's good. Good.

Okay.

Now that we've all had the opportunity to say hello, maybe we can get to work.

Good thinking. Sounds fine to me.

Take any chair you like.

We don't stand on ceremony.

Just one big happy family.

That's how we like to think of ourselves.

So, Jim, maybe you'd like to tell Jerry about some of the stories we've been

working on. No.

Oh, come on, guys.

Jerry's been hired to do a job. How about at least giving him the chance to

it? Thank you.

You know, I've been kicking around a few ideas, and I've got some thoughts how

to get this show out of its liberal rut.

Excuse me, Jerry.

I wouldn't say the show is in a liberal rut. Our stories are always very well

balanced. Oh, really?

Like that wimpy pro -environment piece you did last week on the...

logging in the Pacific Northwest? That was a well -researched look at how greed

is depleting a precious resource.

Oh, my heart bleeds. The logging industry is forcing Bambi and all of his

friends to move to the city and share a condo. There it is. The kind of short

-term thinking that's destroying the ozone layer. Oh, the ozone layer.

A few scientists desperate for a research grant make a big deal out of

next thing I know, I'm standing around with my arms in the air waiting for my

roll -on deodorant to dry.

it stay out of this i'm getting an idea here this is right off the top of my

head so bear with me murphy jerry what do you think

if you two went head to head in an unscripted freewheeling debate kind of

just like this every week forget it mile yeah why would i want to Give up part

of my precious airtime just so Brown could get on another one of her liberal

bandwagons. It's lousy television, Miles. The guy's completely overmatched.

have him on the ropes in no time.

Wait a minute.

Am I hearing a challenge?

What's the point? You already said no, so I guess we're not doing it. Well, now

it sounds like you're backing off.

Afraid I'm going to show you up on national television?

Any topic, any time.

You're on.

FYI expands its format to include a new segment.

For years, Jerry Gold made headlines with a controversial talk show. We saw

all, from a shouting match on gun control to a segment in which a doctor

confessed an ongoing love affair with a dead person.

Well, now he's here.

With us.

Every week. Where he would debate Murphy Brown on important issues of the day.

Join us now for Nose to Nose.

Thank you, Jim.

Federal funding for the arts. A lot of people think that because the government

gives money to the National Endowment for the Arts, it should have the right

dictate what the artist does with that money. In other words, to censor. Look,

if some guy wants to dance naked with a pig on the Pentagon steps and call that

art, that's his business.

But don't expect a taxpayer to pay for it.

You want to avoid censorship?

I say cut the NEA completely.

You can't be serious. Every great society has helped support the arts.

would Greece have been without Sophocles? Or Italy without Da Vinci?

tell me Jesse Helms would have considered Picasso's work suitable for

Hey, if you've got talent, you'll find a way. You don't... Forget it. Do you,

Gold? Without funding from the state, we might not have the music of a Mozart.

Without programs... Hey, do you mind? I wasn't finished.

You know, you urban intellectuals always think you know what's right. But it's

John Q. Public that knows what's... Oh, that's right. I forgot. We've made our

contribution to culture. We invented the fast food restaurant.

Thank you, Murphy and Jerry, for this stimulating and provocative discussion.

We look forward to more of them in the future. Thank you for joining us.

This has been another edition of FYI.

And we're clear.

Hot show, guys.

Fantastic show, guys. That was television with a capital T. It was raw,

electric, and it was my idea.

Okay, people, I want to see everybody over at my place. I plan a celebration

welcome Jerry to the show.

Well, that was quite a workout, Brown.

You didn't miss an opening.

You went so bad yourself.

Dance naked with a pig.

Pretty good comeback.

So, are you going to this party?

Well, a girl's got to eat.

Well, come on. I'll give you a ride.

And did you see the stage manager waving his arm for us to wrap it up? I thought

he was going to dislocate his shoulder.

No, we definitely need more air time. I was just getting warmed up. Okay, Brown,

what are we going to do for an encore?

How about flag burning? We can really do something with that. Not bad. But what

about... Jerry, I just want to say...

Nice show.

Doesn't mean that I like you, Jerry, but good is good.

Thanks a lot, guys.

I was thinking about the Supreme Court. Nine judges. That's nine weeks' worth of

arguments right there.

Somehow I get the feeling finding things to argue about is never going to be a

problem for us. Tom's here. However, I think we ought to lay down a few

questions. What are you two going to do next week? Yes, you interrupted me. I

mean, that wasn't fair.

Oh, that's all? What do you want, a referee present to guard against Billy?

show, guys.

Everybody's talking about it.

You know, there were other segments on the show, segments with rages,

court fires.

Could have gotten killed.

are we all talking about you know brown i had forgotten how much i liked arguing

with you i mean we always generated a lot of heat i'd forgotten how good that

feels it's been a long time doing it in front of 30 million people added a nice

little kick

look at

him he giggles at everything he says he's not funny i'm funny

Murphy is a professional. She knows she has to work with the man. She's just

trying to make it as comfortable as possible. I just love her so much.

We all do, Colonel.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

People, if I could have your attention.

Frank, I'd like to make a toast to a new segment of FYI that is going to be

providing major excitement for a very long time.

Here's the nose -to -nose and the two people who make it happen, Murphy and

Jerry.

Oh, God!

What is it, Carl? They're in there.

Carl found them. They're in my bedroom.

In my bedroom.

Dear Lord, the image that has burned into my mind. It will take me a lifetime

erase it.

One more look.

I think you better go home. I'll give you a ride. Good night, Miles.

Frank, you can't leave now. You're her friend. You can go in there. Please.

I just got new Jeffy Bean sheets.

What are you complaining about? My leather jacket is on that bed.

Porky, Porky, why don't you hurry? The party's just starting. There's plenty of

food. Don't leave me. I have to go feed my cat, Miles. Goodbye.

Jim, can I stay at your house?

Good night, Miles. Lovely party.

Get out of my way.

Welcome back to FYI.

And now a segment that generated enormous attention last week. Join us as

Brown goes nose -to -nose with Jerry Gold.

Murphy?

American aid to Eastern Europe. Many think it's a wise investment in

new markets. Others believe we could be aiding old enemies.

Look, the communists thought they were going to bury us. But now they're in our

faces begging us for help. If they want to be capitalists, let them do it on

their own, like we did.

At least that's my opinion. I'm not saying I could be wrong.

understand why you might feel that way after all it was their military i know

exactly where you're going and i think oh i'm sorry i interrupted you didn't i

it's okay what were you going to say what are they doing they're apologizing

each other well it's just that every time we win a war you know it seems like

wind up giving away more than if we lost i mean look at germany and japan i mean

maybe what we're stating this a little bit i don't know what do you think i can

certainly see your point of view she sees his point of view what did she say

yell at him yell at him I think it's important to recognize that the world

become one marketplace, and the stronger all the players are, the better it is

for everyone.

Don't you think?

Sounds good to me.

As long as we don't put ourselves at a disadvantage.

Oh, no, we wouldn't want to do that.

You can worship.

Oh, God, where was my backbone?

All I needed was a cardigan sweater, a pair of slippers, and the sheet music to

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

Hello, young lovers.

If I may stretch the meaning of both words to their utmost.

Eldon, this really isn't a good time. Time? Time doesn't matter when

strikes. You might want to cover your heads. I'm experimenting with a new

splatter technique.

Eldon, you don't understand. Jerry and I have to talk.

Go ahead. Don't bother me.

Eldon, go home now. Get in your truck, drive away, don't look back. See you

tomorrow.

Okay.

Let me leave you with this thought.

Getting it on a regular basis has not helped you at all.

You know, this is pretty scary.

I've never had a problem separating my work from my personal life.

Until now.

Me either.

There were so many times when I could have nailed you tonight, but I didn't

to. This is not good, Jer.

Not good at all.

What are we going to do?

I think we both know.

We're going to have to choose.

The job or the relationship.

Well, look.

Somebody's got to put this on the line, so here goes.

Being on FYI, I mean, that's the first time I've ever been taken seriously.

And that's important to me, Murphy.

And I know you understand because you and I are both the kind of people that

always put work ahead of relationships.

So clearly there is only one decision that can be made.

Ah, to hell with it. Let's go with the relationship.

Chair, you do that?

You give up FYI?

In a New York minute.

Well, congratulations, Gold. You've finally done it.

You've left me speechless.

Really?

I better take advantage of this.

Hello,

Larry's House of Carpets. No one's available to take your call right now,

you hold on, one of our operators will... What is it, Miles?

Jerry can't come to the phone right now. He's...

He's busy unloading the dishwasher. It could take him hours.

He won't go away.

Gee,

Silverberg, what a pleasant surprise.

Yes, we know we stunk.

What else?

What?

Yeah. You have the cutest ear. It's like a little question mark.

Yeah, I got it. Look.

I would love to chat with you more, but Murphy's just put on the G -string and

the tassels.

Hello?

Well, guess what?

The network hated the show as much as we did.

They said I came across like an ethnic Merv Griffin.

So they fired me.

They did?

Oh, honey, that's great.

I mean, now you won't have to go through the legal hassle of getting out of your

contract. Oh, well.

They're not letting me out of my contract. They've got other plans.

What kind of plans?

Well, you're not going to believe this, but they offered me a late -night talk

show. I mean, I can be my old, aggressive self. Jerry!

And listen to this. They want to put me up against Carson. Can you believe it?

Carson! This is so fantastic!

What a night!

What if the two of us celebrate?

I know just the way.

Perfect. Wait a minute.

There's something else.

The job...

is in Los Angeles.

What?

Don't worry. I'm going to turn it down.

Turn it down? Oh, come on, Jerry. We both know this is the opportunity of a

lifetime.

What's going to happen to us? I mean, we're going to be 3 ,000 miles apart.

Well, it doesn't have to be a problem.

All it takes is a little planning, a little patience.

Now, let's see.

You'll be busy setting up the show, so I could fly out to L .A.

Okay, next week I'm going to Geneva for the World Bank conference and then Egypt

for the Mubarak interview.

So that means I could come out in seven weeks.

Unless the Gulf situation is still hot, in which case I'll be doing a Christmas

in Saudi Arabia piece. So it's seven weeks, eight weeks tops.

Nine weeks at the absolute outside.

Nine weeks.

But there's always a telephone.

We can talk every day.

Every day.

Every day.

You know, when we can. Right, when we can.

At least for the first few weeks.

Until one of us misses a call.

Then the other one will feel guilty about missing the call.

Then they get angry about feeling guilty.

And whoever it was would get even by missing a birthday.

And the next thing I know, the Enquirer announces that Amy Irving is carrying

your love child home.

We're better than this.

Let's just do it clean and simple.

I don't know why this is so hard. It's not like we haven't had practice.

Well, let's look on the bright side.

You're going up against Carson.

He'll be back in three months.

Give us a kiss.

Stay around, okay?

By the way, Murphy.

There's one thing I want to say to you.

I... I love... I love...

I love your shoes.

I love you.

I love your shoes, too.