Original subtitles

I feel good.

I knew that I would now.

How good?

So good.

I got it.

I feel nice.

Sugar and spice.

I feel nice.

Like sugar and spice.

Fran, you must be my new secretary.

Susan Mason. I need a raise. What?

I can't live on this salary.

Why don't we talk about this after you've been here a while? Say, five

Fine.

Hey, Frank.

What's wrong with you? You look awful.

It's the childbirth thing, isn't it? We put you through a couple of hours of

labor. You put us through a lifetime of hell.

Another great date last night, eh, Frank?

I keep telling you, you picked the wrong women. They're either obsessed with

their careers or they're living with somebody named Spike.

Then when it doesn't work out, you come to me in agony expecting me to explain

the meaning of life.

I need a jelly donut for that, Frank.

A big one.

It's different this time, Murph. Very different.

The date last night was number five.

Five? You're kidding.

Gee, that breaks the old record by what?

Four?

ahead, mock me, but this woman is everything I've always wanted. She's

beautiful, she's smart, and she's a psychologist.

Not only do we have a great time, I'm finally able to sleep with my closet

open.

See, this sounds pretty serious, Frank. You wouldn't by any chance be... Do not

say it, Murphy. Do not say the word. This whole thing is terrifying enough.

Her name is Alexandra Endicott Payton. I grew up with girls named Maria Teresa

Pietra Pinto.

Her family sews quilts and makes jams. My family screams and hits each other.

What kind of life could I offer her? I live in a condo I bought when gold

-flecked mirrors were in.

Besides, I'm on the road most of the time. We'd never see each other.

What would we do when the kids come? Her family is incredibly fertile. There are

three sets of twins in the past two generations.

The orthodontist alone would kill me. And then what do I do about private

schools? Oh, God, I wish we'd never met.

Can I say something? Oh, please.

I don't think therapy is doing you a lot of good.

Murphy, I need your help right now.

Look, I want you to meet her. Tell me if I'm making a mistake.

You want me to tell you if you should marry someone? Ow!

Not a good idea. You know what I'm like. If I've got an opinion, I've got to say

it. Well, that's what I want. That's what I'm counting on. Oh, sure. When I

you you look fat and turtleneck, you wouldn't speak to me for three days.

Well, this is just great.

I am on the brink of a life -changing decision, and my best friend wants to

on the sidelines. You can't do this to me, Murph. Oh, yes, I can. What if I

think she's wrong for you? You'll hate me. No, Frank, you've got to make this

decision yourself.

Marry her, have eight kids. I'll meet her on your 40th anniversary. That way,

I don't like her, we'll all be dead soon anyway.

Murph, listen to me.

Just meet Alexandra.

One lunch, that's all I ask. I know you're going to love her. Not that I

her, although I might.

But I can't really be sure because I've never been in love before. At least I

don't think I have. Actually, there was one time when I thought I was in love,

but maybe I wasn't. Oh, God, you see why I need you?

Phil's, one o 'clock. Oh, thank you.

I guess it just took me by surprise, Jim. Frank is my best pal, and now here

am waiting to meet the woman he might marry.

Am I wrong to be feeling uncomfortable about this?

Murphy.

I don't think you can label a feeling right or wrong, good or bad.

Feelings are, after all, part of the bittersweet joy of being human.

Oh, sure, they're complex.

But then life's complex.

And I, for one, wouldn't have it any other way.

In short, while I can't give you a simple answer, I can tell you that

you'll look back on this and say, I may have been uncomfortable, but damn it, I

was alive.

Thanks, Jim.

Did you hear yet? Did you meet her? Not yet. What took you guys so long? Oh,

Miles was having some kind of hair emergency.

It's his new shampoo. It leaves my hair very dry. Well,

that's what you get for using samples that come in the mail.

Will you guys sit down? I don't want to be stuck making conversation by myself.

Hey there.

Anyone care for a drink while you look over the menus?

Bill, we've been coming here for ten years. What do we need menus for?

Because you just might see something new. Look at this.

The Jim Dial, an American classic. Bacon, lettuce, and tomato on toast.

Celebrity sandwiches.

I got the idea from the state deli in New York.

Well, I think it's an honor. Phil, I'll have a Corky Sherwood, please.

Right. One peanut butter and marshmallow fluff on white.

Oh, how about a Jim Dial for me?

There you go.

Murphy? Murphy Brown.

Tongue on rye with spicy mustard. Can I sue you for this, Phil?

Afraid not.

I already talked to my lawyer.

How about you, Miles?

Gee, Phil.

Surprised you remembered my name.

I don't see it anywhere.

Producers are not celebrities, Miles.

Now, I know you like hot dogs. How about a nice Fontana Frank?

I don't want a nice Fontana Frank. I want a Miles Silverburger.

There isn't a Miles Silverburger.

Just give me a turkey on whole wheat.

Right. One Dan Quayle coming up.

Look at this.

The whole gang is here. Great. Murphy brought the whole gang. Isn't that

Well, everybody, I'd like you to meet... Alexandra.

Alexandra Payton.

Alexandra. Alexandra Payton. I can't believe I just did that.

It's okay, sweetheart.

You just had a BRP. A what?

A brief reactive psychosis. We call them burps.

You were anxious. You wanted them to like me. It manifested itself as a

mental lapse.

What a relief, Frank. It's not permanent.

Why don't I finish the introductions before Frank hurts himself again?

I'm Murphy Brown. This is Corky Sherwood, Jim Dial, and Miles

you do? Hello.

You've made me feel very special, taking time out of your busy schedules to come

by and say hello. I know that you and Frank are like family.

Well, it just means a lot to me. Thanks.

She's something, isn't she?

Well, look, why don't I just get a couple of chairs? We can all sit down

to know each other better, huh? I've got to check in with my office first.

Where's the phone, sweetheart? Oh, come on. I'll show you. I want to introduce

you to Phil anyway.

What a witch!

Oh,

please. She's all right. wrong for frank it's so obvious well at

least it is to me now what am i supposed to do he's gonna ask me what i think of

her and i'm gonna have to tell him so murph what do you think of alexandra

where does the day go oh forget about the sandwiches she's great

isn't she she's Very nice. You hate her. I don't hate her. I just met her. You

can't hate a person you just met. I just met her. Oh, boy, you really hate her.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Frank.

I hear they're making another Star Trek. I don't think that's very smart. Come

on, Murphy.

I told you I wanted honesty and I meant it. Now I'm depending on you.

Give it to me straight.

Okay.

Okay.

She's all wrong for you.

Are you crazy? You just met her. She's too rigid and inflexible. You can tell

the inside of her purse.

You went through the woman's purse? I don't believe this. I didn't go through

it. I peered.

She had everything in its place. The keys in the key pouch, two pens, a box

Tic Tacs, and a package of those pre -moistened towelettes.

I haven't seen a purse that neat since I interviewed Squeaky Frome. Oh, come on.

The woman called you sweetheart twice in a minute and a half. You hate that

expression. I used to hate it. I like it now.

Okay. Okay, so you don't like her.

Fine. That's what I wanted. That's what I got. I can deal with that.

You're sure?

Yes. Yes, I'm sure.

And you and I are okay?

Hey, we're always okay.

Wouldn't you know it? Mrs.

Keeler's had a fear of cheese for six years. She had to pick today to walk

a hickory farm.

I'm sorry. Sweetheart, I'm going to have to meet her back at the office.

Murphy, I'm so disappointed.

I was really hoping we could get to know each other better. Well, we'll do that.

We'll do that real soon, won't we, Murphy? You bet.

I'll take you back, Ellie.

Oh, you don't have to. Oh, I want to. Are you sure?

Isn't he a sweetheart?

I hear it's a great film, Meg, but I can't go that night. The Celtics are in

town, and Frank and I never miss them.

I can't cancel.

See, Frank is in a very destructive relationship right now, and I'm the only

healthy thing in his life.

Right. Listen, have a good time.

See you soon.

Bye.

Hi, Murph. Hey, stranger.

Haven't seen you around much lately.

Well, Allie and I have been pretty busy.

We bought a kite.

Life is a cabaret.

So listen, I'm still trying to cut this Leg Valencia interview down to time. I

may need your eye in the editing room. What are you doing tonight around 7?

Oh, sorry, I can't. Allie is taking me to an exhibit of medieval tapestries.

Gee, the fun never stops.

No problem, I can work it out. Look, Murph, I stopped by to talk to you about

the Celtics game.

Yeah, I hear it should be a great one. It's a sellout.

Well, that's the thing.

Alexandra's never been to a basketball game before.

Can you believe that?

Anyway, I was wondering if it's okay with you.

Wait a minute.

You want to take Freda Freud to the Celtics game with my ticket?

Hey, I told you she wanted to learn.

So let her learn when the Clippers are in town.

Listen, Murph, come on. I promised her I need the ticket.

Oh, you promised her, thinking your old pal Murphy would be only too glad to

give up her seat.

Well, you can have my ticket.

I already asked somebody. You already asked somebody? Oh, well, thanks a lot.

One of those tickets is mine.

You don't need them, Frank. I hear there's still some seats left for that

Gregorian chant concert.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm doing editing.

Well, fine. Keep the tickets. Go to the game. I hope you sit and beer.

I think events have built a momentum that is like a train.

It will be hard to stop.

Great.

That's just great. Are you happy now?

For the past two hours, I've been trying to achieve the perfect taupe. Now I've

got a big can of beige.

How many times are you going to play that thing? It's driving me bestiaminka.

Do you mind, Eldon? I've got to cut 15 seconds out of this interview, and I

don't know how I'm going to do it. I really need another opinion.

Well, what am I?

Just another pretty face?

Okay.

Okay, great.

Frank's not the only one who can do this.

Eldon, have a look at this. I'm thinking of losing this section, but I'm afraid

it'll seem choppy.

Mr. Valencia, do you feel events are moving too quickly in Eastern Europe? Is

there the danger of a backlash?

I think events have built a momentum that is like a train.

It will be hard to stop.

What do you think, Eldon?

Whoever painted the wall behind that man should be shot.

Thank you, Eldon. You've been very helpful.

That's why I'm here.

Hi, Frank.

It's Murph.

Listen, I know it's late, but I just wanted to say one thing.

I feel terrible about what's been happening between us, and I just

could talk to you for a minute.

Frank, is that Bolero playing in the background?

And why are you breathing like that?

Oh, God.

Why'd you pick up the phone? That's what answering machines are for.

Anyway, here's why I called. I was wondering...

I have dinner with you and Alexandra. I'd like to take you up on it.

Great.

So, you guys go back to, uh, whatever.

Oh, and Frank, you might want to hurry it up. The Maltese Falcon is on Channel

and... Frank?

How's that headache, Murph? Oh, it's fine, really.

Oh, Murphy, I feel terrible.

This was supposed to be our big night out.

Maybe an evening of kabuki theater wasn't the best choice.

No, no, no, really, don't worry about me. It's just a headache.

I guess I'm just not used to spending three hours next to a man pounding a

Well, we'll get some food into you, Murph, and some aspirin. I'll get you

aspirin. No, no, no, it's okay, really. It's practically gone, really.

Hey, there.

If you guys are here for celebrity sandwiches, forget it.

Dumbest idea I ever had.

People were going down the menu saying, hate him, hate her, hate him.

Nobody was ordering anything.

I couldn't give an orange hatch away.

Now I'm stuck with 20 pounds of head cheese.

Phil, listen to me. Could you just get us a couple of glasses of white wine and

a club soda for Murph, huh? Right.

Excuse me, sweetheart. I'm going to go to the ladies' room and get a damp towel

for Murphy's forehead. I'll be right back.

Listen to me. While she's away, I think we should talk.

I'm glad you said that, Frank.

There's something I wanted to tell you.

I'm sorry I behaved so badly toward Alexandra.

I'm sure if I could spend more time with her, I might learn to like her.

You don't mean that.

Yes, I do, Frank.

Look, you're my best pal.

I count on you.

But the more you saw of her, the less I saw of you. I think I just got scared.

Of what?

That you might not be there for me anymore.

But then I realized something.

If this is what you want and it makes you happy, your best friend should want

for you.

I don't know what to say. You don't have to say anything.

Yes, I do.

I'm breaking up with her. What?

Murphy, you were right about her. Do you have any idea what it's like today to

shrink? She analyzes everything.

If I throw my socks on the floor, I hate my mother.

If I don't like my peas touching my mashed potatoes, I'm obsessive

I'm watching my Corvette yesterday. She starts telling me that cars are phallic

symbols. Now I'm afraid to touch it.

Some piece of work, Frank. Why didn't you tell her all that before I got stuck

in the middle? I couldn't tell her today. It's the fourth anniversary of

Hannah's death. They were very close.

Oh, boy.

This is like a bad episode of a dating game, and I'm in it.

Adios, amigo. You can't leave now, Murph. You've got to help me just get

tonight, please.

If she calls me sweetheart one more time... I'm back, sweetheart.

Great!

I brought you that towel, Murphy. Here, just lay it across your forehead.

Well, uh, look, you two would excuse me for just a minute.

Where are you going, Frank?

Where are you going?

I'm just gonna go down the corner and get you some aspirin.

Murphy, sit back down here.

Come on.

Sit.

There's something I want to say to you.

I've been feeling a tension all evening, and as a trained psychologist, it's

very obvious to me what's going on.

It is?

You've been watching Frank and me getting close, and you're feeling

That's it, isn't it?

No, that's not it.

Look, I don't think we should be talking about this anymore.

Murphy, I am here to tell you that it's all right to feel rejected.

But sooner or later, you are going to have to face the hard facts.

I'm going to be a big part of Frank's life for a very long time.

How does that make you feel?

Like the top of my head is going to blow off.

Look, why don't we call it a night?

No, we've got to clear the air. If we're going to be friends, you can't cheat me

emotionally. Give me that honesty you're so famous for. Say anything you want to

say. Listen, you don't really want to talk shop now, do you? Let's move on to

current event. How about that Berlin Wall, huh?

You're cheating me.

Look, I'm really not good at this. Cheater!

Give it a rest, okay? Cheater, big cheater!

Cheater, cheater, cheater!

Blake's breaking up with you!

Oh, Murphy, we were doing so well. Let's not backslide now.

Got the aspirin.

How's that headache doing, Murph?

Gee, it seems to be going away.

But I think yours may just be starting.

Why? Murphy told me you... You're leaving me.

You told her? Yes.

So you told her?

Wait a minute. You mean it's true? I don't believe this.

I had to, Frank. She wanted my honesty. You remember my honesty. It's what you

love about me. Okay, okay.

Something horrendous has just happened to me. What am I feeling? You just had

get back at me, didn't you, Murph? That is intensely sick.

Oh, go wax your car.

You know what you're feeling?

Pain, rejection, humiliation, and an overwhelming sense of rage. You think

Trust me. Alexandra, believe me, this is not the way... Shut up! Not bad.

I was going to tell you. I really was going to express this in a... Drop dead

better. But I think you can get more creative.

Do you mind?

Allie, listen to me. You've got to give me a chance to explain. Maybe if we went

somewhere... Get out of...

I'm going to just hit the road here.

Someday you'll see. This is all for the best.

Hi,

Frank. How's it going?

Murph, I know you're angry.

You've got every reason to hate me and I don't blame you. I want you to get it

off your chest. Go ahead. Give me your best shot.

Frank, why would I be angry at you? I allowed myself to be put in that

situation. I could have said make your own decision.

In fact, I did. So it was really my choice. Just like it was your choice to

like a dog.

I had to. She threatened to rip my face off. I'm a television personality.

I need a face.

Besides, I thought the sooner I got out of there, the sooner she could start the

healing process. I don't want her to suffer.

Oh, she's through suffering. She met somebody else. Somebody else? What do

mean, somebody else? Yep. At about 2 a .m., Mr. Wright made an appearance at

Can Harry's. You took her to a male strip joint?

It was her idea.

Boy, when that girl cuts loose, she's amazing.

She did a number with Zorro that brought the house down.

Alexandra? Alexandra Payton? She stuck a $20 bill down his pants and then went

back for change.

The more time we spent together, the more I got to like her. We talked, we

laughed, we shared revenge techniques. Oh, wait a minute. What did you tell

A lot, but she seemed especially interested in what I did to that guy at

Buffalo. Remember him?

Oh, my God!

hardware store and get some deadbolts frank the big time oh my god oh and

about the celtics game you want me to pick you up or do you want to drive well

take my car you drove last time