Original subtitles

ain't nothing like the real thing baby ain't nothing like the

real thing no no ain't nothing like the real thing baby

ain't nothing like the real

you that you have been chosen to receive this year's robert f kennedy journalism

award for outstanding coverage of problems of the disadvantaged in your

place to call home and being as you guys are the closest thing i have to family

in the city i'm counting on you all to be there but what about your real family

What? Your mother? Your father?

My parents haven't been in the same room together since they signed the divorce

papers 15 years ago.

Secondly, my mother's in London for the month curating an art exhibit. And

thirdly, my father is too busy. Why don't you call your father? What's the

thing that can happen?

He'll say no.

Come on! He married this new young wife.

I saw your latest issue of the Chicago Voice. I can't say I've ever seen anyone

refer to Jesse Helms as an embarrassment to primates in print before.

He's coming. You see, you did the right thing.

And he's bringing Karen and the baby.

Bill Brown, looking for Murphy Brown?

I know you want to hold him, Murphy. It's okay.

We here.

Amazing, Bill.

One would think at your age you'd be shooting blanks.

It helps to have a live target.

You know, I feel cheated. I really do. I had everything except a family. Can't

you hold it together for one day? One day so I can enjoy myself. Is that too

much to ask?

Yep, Phil.

It all worked out okay.

The insurance covered everything, and I now have a brand new bumper.

What a relief.

We were all so worried.

Go ahead, Phil.

Mock me.

But the fact is, that car symbolizes all the hard work, blood, sweat, and tears

that I put into my job.

Call me trivial. Hey, call me petty.

But when I slip onto those bisque leather seats, I feel good about me.

have a blue BMW parked outside.

License plate 452689J.

Oh, God!

Mr. Silverberg, I'm afraid we've had an accident.

You took up more than your share of space at the curb. I tried to push you

forward a little bit.

But I have a rental car, and they're very unpredictable.

Here is all of the insurance information. I'm sure they'll take care

The Brown family.

It's like a plague.

What's next, Logan?

nice to see you again.

Avery, you light up the whole damn bar.

Smoke, beer, no tablecloths. My kind of joint.

Hey there.

Welcome to Phil's.

Murphy's father, right? Yeah, Bill Brown.

Ah, this is a treat.

Both parents at once.

You know, my wife Phyllis and I have been married for 40 years.

Oh, we've had some rough times, but...

We never once considered splitting up.

I guess that's why it's so hard for me to understand why people get divorced.

Okay,

you learn something every day.

Listen, I know you're meeting Murphy for lunch.

Do you mind if I give you some advice?

It's a big night for Murphy.

It'd be real nice if you could pretend to be a family.

Hell, if the Reagans can pull it off for eight years, you could do it for one

day.

Yeah, we know what you're saying, too.

Yes, we've been working on it. We're only going to say nice things to each

other. We've been practicing.

There you go.

Look, you guys pick out a table, and I'll get you some eggs.

Hiya, Phil.

Double Club's building straight up. I see they're here already. What if they

break? I'll pay all damages.

Murphy, I'm a little disappointed.

I expected some real fireworks.

Last time I looked over there, you were spelling out her name with beer nuts.

You're kidding.

Hi, guys. Hey, nice to meet you. So, here we are.

Ready to have a nice, quiet, civilized lunch, right?

Yeah, absolutely. You bet.

Oh, Bill.

I really feel I have to apologize to you for my behavior toward Karen last

night. I mean, she's really a very lovely person and a good mother.

Well, thank you very much, Henry.

Yeah, but as far as being a mother goes, it would be very hard to find anyone

more caring than you.

Well, as long as we're handing out compliments, I feel I should tell you

dapper I think you look in that jacket.

What's that?

Bill, it's your turn. I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Oh, God.

My parents need crib sheets to be nice to each other. You two are pathetic. Why

do you even come to Washington anyway?

If this is your idea of support, who needs it? Thank you for ruining my day.

Thank you for ruining my evening. And thank you for ruining my life.

I had a cradle, a playpen, and an old wool sock named Albert.

Now everybody's got these psychologically tested, state -of -the

Scandinavian contraptions, and children graduate from high school without

knowing the capital of South Dakota.

Uh -oh.

Uncle Jim needs a little puppet kiss.

Get that thing away from me. We don't know where it's been.

Guys, I know we all love kids, but this is an office and we do have a show to

get ready.

Frank.

You see that? You see that?

Kids love me. You know why?

Because we have a lot in common. I'm cute. I'm fun. I love to have women

me.

Whee!

Okay, that's it.

Recess is over.

God, this place is a mess.

You can't tell me he did this all by himself.

Come on. Come on, guys.

Sorry, Murph. I guess we got carried away, huh?

Okay, that's it. I've had it. No more. I can't take it. Two days ago, my life

was normal. I was just your average network news superstar minding her own

business. Today, I'm a thing to be pitied. My parents are crazy, and

applesauce on my phone.

So I guess the lunch didn't go too well, huh? I've made a decision.

I'm not going to the ceremony. Why flirt with disaster?

What do you mean you're not going? You have to go.

I don't have to do anything.

That's the wonderful thing about being grown up. I don't have to eat Brussels

sprouts, I don't have to hang up my clothes, and I don't have to sit through

ceremony with two people who can't stop fighting long enough to celebrate

something I've dreamed about my entire life. Let me get this straight.

You're angry at your parents, so you're going to punish yourself by not

accepting your award.

Don't start with me, Frank. This is all your fault. You know, you're the one who

knew the Chicago area code.

Darn it all, Murphy.

So your parents are less than you'd like them to be. Join the club.

We all grew up... needing something we don't get? Yeah, like me and my parents.

You know, when you're the middle of seven kids, it's easy to get lost in the

shuffle. They're always leaving me in department stores, amusement parks.

The first few times, I chalked it up as a coincidence.

But after a while, I don't care how healthy you are, you think, hey, there's

pattern here.

The biggest show of affection I ever had for my father was a firm handshake. You

think, I'm stiff.

Compared to him, I'm Pinky Lee.

I think we're all... trying to say that every parent has a fault at some level,

but after a certain point, your life is your life and you've got to get on with

it. You've earned that award, Murph, and when you're up there accepting it

tonight, well, this side of your family is going to be there cheering for you.

You guys are really something.

It means so much to me that I can always count on you when the chips are down.

Absolutely.

Uh -oh.

I think the baby needs to be changed.

And I called and ordered a sitter from your service two days ago.

Well, then where is she? I have to be someplace at 7 o 'clock.

Oh, well, that's your problem, isn't it?

Hello?

Will you give me a break? This is all your fault. What am I supposed to do,

you to the party and check you?

Try and look like a hat.

I'm not picking you up. You don't always get what you want. Let me be the first

woman to tell you that.

I know your type.

You think you can just snap your fingers and we come running. Well, let me tell

you something, Buster. Those days are over.

Ever hear of Gloria Steinem?

Does the name Betty Friedan ring a bell?

I didn't think so.

Okay, okay.

You're not playing fair.

All right.

I'm picking you up.

All right. Come on. Knock it off. Oh, no.

God, Mom.

I'm not dressed yet, Dad.

What, what? I'm on the phone.

Rock -a -bye, baby, in the treetop.

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

When the bell breaks, the cradle will fall.

God, what a horrible song.

Bells breaking, cradle falling. who wrote this okay here's a personal

favorite of mine let's go back to the year 1964 do you remember

nothing you could say could tear me away from my guy my guy

no handsome face could ever take the place of my guy you like that huh

well you've got the

Hey, I'm bad for a beginner.

You know, I'm sorry I had to lead like that.

Some women are like that.

The best women.

Oh, which brings me to our next subject.

How to behave on a date.

Pay attention to this very carefully because you're going to thank me for

advice later on in life.

Now, first thing is, bring flowers.

Just because we marched on Washington a few times doesn't mean we don't like

roses now and then.

Also, pay particular attention to your shoes.

Bad taste in shoes pretty much kills it for me on a first date.

Now, these shoes are very...

They're very, very cute.

These are the cutest shoes.

Murphy?

Oh.

How are you two guys doing, okay?

Oh, yeah, we're doing fine.

Pretty neat, isn't it?

Yeah, it's pretty neat.

Okay, big guy, let's hit the next one out.

I missed all of this with you.

I know.

I don't know what it was.

In those days, we were all so busy fitting into our assigned roles that we

forgot to stop and figure out what was most important.

I always knew that you were around.

Pretty much.

Yeah.

I'll never forget the day that we opened offices in New York and Philadelphia.

Both at the same time, simultaneously.

Our paper went from a supermarket throwaway to a very big publication.

Late that night when I got home, my head was reeling. I flopped down on the

couch.

And you came into the living room and walked over and kissed me.

You said, I'm glad you're happy, Daddy.

And that's all you said.

And then you went back to your room.

And I noticed a couple of plates with a half -eaten piece of chocolate cake on

them, and I suddenly realized that it was your 16th birthday.

I had completely forgotten.

I remember.

What you don't know was that I started to go to your room, and then I stopped

cold.

Cold feet.

There I was, running a newspaper, and I hadn't the faintest idea

of what to say to my daughter.

I didn't know that.

I know.

You know, there's not much that I would change or do differently in my life.

Well... Maybe I wouldn't buy 8 ,000 shares of Exxon.

But now I have another chance.

And this time, I intend not to miss it.

I'm glad you're happy, Daddy.

Well, I've spent three hours... is getting ready, and I think it was worth

wait, don't you?

Oh, Mother!

Hot stuff!

Thank you, I think so.

Mother, let me ask you a loaded question.

If I were to go upstairs and fix my hair and makeup, could we consider the

living room a demilitarized zone?

Murphy, please, give us a little credit.

You make it sound as if we don't ever do anything but fight.

What was I thinking? My mistake.

I must have done something bad in a... past life.

Maybe I invented culottes.

Well, it's been a long time since I've been around one of these.

Brings back a lot of memories, doesn't it?

Yeah.

There were a few good ones.

And as much as I hate to admit it, it wasn't all bad.

We were too young.

To be married.

Things are different today.

We would have lived together.

You'd be paying palimony.

Yeah, I may be a fool to say this, but if I had to do it all over again, I'd

still marry you.

That's one hell of a kid that we made together.

We must have done something right.

I know.

I wonder what it was.

Unhandsome woman.

Yeah, you always have been.

And you always will be.

Bill Brown, are you flirting with me? A married man?

Not that it's ever stopped you.

Oh, come on, Avery.

We've had a lot of memorable moments together, you and I.

Obstin's Pier.

Backseat of your old Chevy.

Yeah, yeah.

Our wedding night.

Big band.

You know, Stardust still gets me crazy.

Dreaming of a song.

The melody of my memory.

And I have won the game with you.

When our love was new.

So, do you think we can bury that old hatchet in some place other than my

for one night?

Yes, it may be time.

I don't like it. It's too quiet down there.

Did the sitter show up yet?

No, no, no, no, no, nobody came. She asked me if I had a Nintendo set.

I should have said yes.

Why can't anything ever be easy?

Hey there, Brown family.

We look nice in our party clothes.

Eldon.

Eldon. That's my name. Don't wear it out.

I came to do some work on the ceiling.

You know, I've been blocked all day. But good news. I think I'm going to work

through it.

Yeah, yeah. But how are you with babies?

I love babies. And babies love me.

Great. You're hired. I pay $2 .50 an hour. We're home by midnight. No

Here's the number of where we'll be.

Mother? Dad?

I'm not going to leave my son with this man here.

He's wearing an earring, for God's sake.

So what?

You've got the Liberty Bell tattooed on your behind.

You told me you liked that.

I lied.

Oh, God, it never ends.

Mother, Dad, we're going. We're picking up our things.

We're putting on our coat.

We're heading for the door. Okay, okay, but I'm driving.

Oh, no, over my dead body.

I swore I'd never drive with you again.

Yeah, well, then walk.

Oh, well, with your sense of direction, I'll get there sooner.

Still wearing that iron girdle, are you?

Hi.

Hi.

Hi,

I'm Eldon.

Hey.

And what do you want to be when you grow up?

A painter? Oh, that's very good.

You want to see some work that I've been doing recently?

Now... This is the way a wall should look when it's finished.

See? Now there's no bubbles, no visible tape joints, and a perfect matte finish.

Can you say matte finish?

Come on.

Very good.

Now, over here, we have the woodwork.

I want to talk about Dan Quayle.

Dan Quayle.

What can I say? He was the source of many laughs. You're telling me. He was a

very, very funny character. I mean, not believable at all, but hilarious.

Who created him?