Original subtitles

I've got your picture.

Tapped miles at a stoplight.

Tapped me.

My car is ruined.

A twisted heap of midnight blue hand -robbed metal.

God is punishing me for buying a German car.

Look, I can't even move my head.

All because she wouldn't wait five seconds for me to find my station on the

radio. He was holding up traffic for two blocks searching for the Osmonds. His

car is fine, trust me.

Believe this.

Listen, listen.

We're pleased to inform you that you have been chosen to receive this year's

Robert F. Kennedy Journalism Award for outstanding coverage of problems of the

disadvantaged in your piece, No Place to Call Home.

Congratulations, Murphy.

Robert Kennedy was my hero to receive this award.

It's got to be one of the high points of my career.

Don't you think so, Miles?

Yeah, okay. It's pretty great.

When's the presentation, Murphy?

Two weeks.

And being as you guys are the closest thing I have to family in this city, I'm

counting on you all to be there. But what about your real family?

First of all, my parents haven't been in the same room together since they

signed the divorce papers 15 years ago.

Secondly, my mother's in London for the month curating an art exhibit.

And thirdly, my father is too busy.

How do you know?

Because he's always too busy.

If he was too busy to see me win the intramural broad jumping championship in

high school, he's too busy for this.

Murphy,

you know I don't get involved in your personal life anymore.

God knows I still feel responsible for the Richard Gere debacle.

I think you should invite at least one parent to share this wonderful honor

you. After all, you're their only child. He's right, Murph. Why don't you call

your father? What's the worst thing that can happen?

He'll say no. He is not going to say no. Now, come on, call him.

This is not a good idea, Frank. He publishes this magazine. It's hard to

away. He married this new young wife. He has this new baby. I don't know the

Chicago area code. 3 -1 -2. Damn you, Frank.

Dial.

I'm really setting myself up for a fall here.

I'm flashing back to my sixth grade play.

It was a musical about good grammar.

I was brilliant as a dangling participle. It took real... Athletic

he see it? No.

It's ringing.

What if the new wife answers? I don't remember her name, Frank. Something with

an L.

Lois, Lana, Lisa.

Hello, who's this?

Karen. Hi, this is Mercy.

So, how's everything?

Uh -huh.

Great.

Listen, is my father there?

Sure, I'll hold.

She said she thinks he went out for a power walk.

Years from now, she'll still be telling the story. He left in the morning for a

power walk, and he never came home.

Dad! Hi!

Great. Just great.

So, listen, uh... I saw your latest issue of the Chicago Voice. I can't say

ever seen anyone refer to Jesse Helms as an embarrassment to primates in print

before.

Um... So, listen, Dad, you're...

Probably wondering why I'm calling.

It seems as though I've just won the Robert Kennedy Award for journalism, and

just thought I'd let you know on the off chance that you might want to be there,

although I completely understand if you're swamped.

I don't want you to feel like you're under any obligation to.

Two weeks from Friday.

Really?

You're kidding.

You're kidding.

Great.

Okay. See you then.

He's coming. You see?

You did the right thing.

And he's bringing Karen and the baby.

Unbelievable.

Absolutely unbelievable.

You're never going to believe this.

Miles, we're sick of hearing about your car.

I take it to a mechanic and show him the dent in the fender.

He takes a common household plunger and sucks the dent out.

Just sucks it right out.

A miracle.

He then charges me a king's ransom for 30 tickets of work with a thick and a

piece of rubber. And I'm not even to the unbelievable part yet. Speed it up,

will you? Pull out of the dealership.

Car looks good.

Driving, driving, driving.

I come up to the very same stoplight where Murphy tried to kill me.

It has barely turned green. And guess what?

Guess what?

I get hit from behind.

Again. The guy just rams me like it's a constitutional right or something.

Nobody cares, Miles.

You'll never guess who this guy was.

Never in a million years.

Getting off, please. Watch your back.

Women and children first.

Please clear off, people. Clear, clear, clear.

Poor Murphy Brown.

Oh, look who it is.

You must be Murphy's father.

Hey, everyone, it's Murphy's father.

Hi, I'm Corky Sherwood. I'm sure Murphy's told you all about me.

Nice talking to you. Where's Murphy?

This is Mr.

and Mrs. Brown.

And Baby Brown.

How are you, Matt? Listen, Silverberg, I've got the insurance information right

here.

But you don't need it.

I mean, you've just got a dimple in your bumper. Buy yourself a plunger and you

can suck the damn thing right out.

Uh -huh.

I'll take that, if you don't mind.

Murphy,

you've got visitors.

Guess who?

Oh, God, they're here. Why couldn't they have come alone, Frank? What am I going

to say to that woman? What's she like?

Is she smart? Did she support the ERA? Does she wear furs? What did you find

out? She's got legs up to her neck.

Nice work, Frank.

Some things in life you just don't ask for. He's 63 years old. She's younger

than I am.

What about the baby? Did you see it? Did it say anything to you?

Why don't you just bite the bullet and go out there? Now, come on. You've got

two days ahead of you.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Yeah.

Gee, it's great to see you, Dad. You look really good.

Really? My young bride's responsible for that.

She's got me walking five miles a day eating all that old brand crap.

Karen, honey, come on here. Come over here. Karen, I want you to meet my

daughter, Murphy Brown. Oh, Murphy, it's great to finally meet you.

Boy, now I really feel like part of the Brown family. Hey, how about the new guy

here, huh?

Murphy, you finally got the baby brother you always wanted. I never wanted a

baby. Bill Jr., you say hello to your sister Murphy. Now, I know you want to

hold him, Murphy. It's okay. Oh, no, I can see him fine from here.

Oh, no, come on, he won't bite. Here you go, Billy. Murphy's going to hold you.

No, no, no, really.

Well,

now, let's get the show on the road here.

Actually, I'll get the baggage.

Karen, you... the baby stuff.

Murphy's got the baby. No, I don't. I don't have the baby.

Well, that was an interesting experience.

Well, Murphy, he doesn't like you. Why doesn't he like you? Well, he hasn't

bonded yet, but it'll happen.

It feels so good holding him, doesn't it? Yeah.

So who else wants to feel good for a while?

Having fun.

Okay, why don't we go into the living room and you can put up your... Oh, no.

Oh, no. What are you doing, Eldon? What are you doing?

Painting your ceiling.

What the hell is he painting up there?

The Statue of Liberty in a Toyota?

What does that mean?

I'm particularly fond of this one. It symbolizes the Japanese purchase of the

American spirit.

I can't stay here.

Dad, this is my...

Under Eldon Bernicke. Eldon, my father, Bill Brown. I'm not saying. And this is

his wife, Karen. Yes, we are. We're not going to a hotel, Bill. We came here to

spend time with Murphy and see her get her award.

And Bill Jr. needs time to get to know his sister.

Which way to our room, Murphy?

Straight upstairs and make a right. Okay, take your son, Bill. Hold on,

Wait a second. I'll be back in a few minutes. Oh, hello, Big Bill. Oh, boy.

boy.

This is your baby.

Yeah.

You know, pretty gutsy trying again, considering what happened the first

Well, Bill, I think we'll just sit down here with these things and wait for Mom

to come home. That's it. Oh, boy.

Boy, things have sure changed, haven't they, Dad?

Not really, no.

Nora Yeager is still in Panama, and there's another Republican in the White

House. No, I mean, things have changed with you. New wife, new baby.

This must be kind of hard for you. If I remember correctly, you were never one

for kids.

He looks just like me, doesn't he?

Be right back.

Surprise!

Mother!

I have a bone to pick with you, my daughter.

I hate... finding out about your life from the newspaper, especially when

there's going to be a large party and I'm not invited.

Oh, Mother, I knew you were in London, so I didn't bother to... So I decided to

fly back here to be with you. After all, it's a very big honor and I should be

part of it.

I smell paint.

And something else.

Old Spice.

I haven't smelled Old Spice since... Oh,

my God.

What are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here? I live here.

You don't live here, Mother.

Well, I visited here once, and I know where things are, and that's almost the

same thing.

Oh, what have we here?

Amazing, Bill.

One would think at your age you'd be shooting blanks.

It helps to have a live target.

just running into each other after all these years. I mean, you just have to

laugh, don't you?

That hat is stupid.

I can't stay here, Murphy. I know that's a big disappointment to you, but I'll

have to go into a hotel.

No problem, Mother. I'll just call the Georgetown Inn. You two just catch up.

I'm not going anywhere until I find my sable brush.

Look who's here. It is a Mrs. Brown.

Oh, Mr.

Burns.

Something told me that you would still be here.

You know, I was thinking about you recently.

Oh, really? Yes. Now, what was it?

Oh, yes. It was an exhibit of primitive wall paintings in Malawi.

Have you seen my latest work?

Cast your eyes skyward.

Oh!

Oh!

The usurping of American ingenuity by Asian industrialism.

perspective. You know, satirical art has long been maligned by those who do not

believe it is a true art form.

But what is art, really?

The debate goes on.

You know, I have missed our little talks so much.

Oh, Mercy, I forgot to ask if you want to get up early and do some yoga with

I have these great tapes and I... Oh.

Hello. Hello.

Well.

I have a feeling that I know who you are.

Aren't you going to introduce us, Phil? Probably not.

I'm Avery Brown.

The original one.

The one who married him in college and gave up her own career so that she could

support him while he was starting a newspaper.

Bore him a child, raised it, and then one day was told that he was bored and

was leaving.

And you are Karen.

This is a surprise.

Yeah. But there's no reason that we should feel awkward about this.

Never got over your obsession with breasts, did you, Bill?

Let's see. Go to the paint store or stay here and watch this.

I think I'll stay.

I see everyone's met.

Well, I'm sorry to break up the party, but you have to go, Mother. The

Georgetown Inn has a lovely room for you, but if you're not there in 15

they're going to give it away.

So come on, let's go.

Here we go.

We're going.

Murphy, I've changed my mind. I don't see my daughter that often. It isn't

for me to go to a hotel.

I'll just sleep in the den.

The den?

Just like old times.

Well, excuse me. I'll just go freshen up.

Interesting family.

Kind of like a Fellini version of the Waltons.

Murphy, are you asleep?

Murphy. Oh,

I'm sorry. I woke you up. God, just because I'm awake, I thought you'd be

Well,

guess we're both awake now, huh?

Which is good, because I was really hoping that we would have a chance to

You know, just the two of us.

What? I love the night, don't you?

But then I love the morning. Well, I... I love the whole day, actually.

I guess you could say I'm really loving life.

What?

You know, Mercy, I've been thinking that I might be in the way here.

It just has a sixth sense on my part that maybe there's some unfinished

and maybe it'd be better if I just let things take their course, you know. I

guess that's sort of a zen way of looking at things. Do you know much

Well, anyway.

I'm going to leave Bill Jr. here because I feel that's the right thing to do.

And I'm going to hop the shuttle to New York for a few days. You know, I could

use a break. New husband, new baby.

It'll be nice to sleep alone for a few days.

God, your father needs a lot of sex.

Every night.

I mean, it's not that I don't like sex, but he has this unbelievable drive.

to hear about this karen okay i don't know it's hard to explain but it just

feels a little weird you my father so um it's nice talking to you i'll

see you in the morning okay okay sweet dreams

sure you like cigars and tunnels

Quick, Mother.

Good.

I forgot to give you this. It's a present.

Oh, gee.

A present for me? Now?

It's a handmade tam from Scotland.

I thought and I thought of you.

Oh.

Gee, thanks, Mother.

I needed one of these.

Try it on.

I don't know, Mother. It's kind of late, isn't it?

Go ahead. I want to see.

Oh, Murphy, you can really wear hats.

You should do it more often.

So, what shall we talk about?

I don't know, Mother.

It seems like we should be sleeping, doesn't it?

Oh, don't be such an old lady.

Let's stay up all night and talk about subjects that interest us like

theater, Karen.

I hate Karen, don't you?

I saw the door open and the lights on, so I thought I'd come in and... Oh.

You. We're talking here, Bill, about women's things.

Pantyhose, childbirth, get out.

Are you making her wear hats again?

Don't do that, Avery. She doesn't look good in hats.

Well, Bill, I'm so happy... I'm so happy that you've become an expert on

fashion. Do you still have those 12 pairs of desert boots?

Ah, here we go. Here we go again, the critic.

Let me get a pen and pad. I want to get every word down.

Oh, well, let me start with this.

Who do you think you are gallivanting around with a woman half your age?

Because a woman your age can't keep up with me.

Oh, excuse me.

I was forgetting that I'm talking to a man who now wears that Italian underwear

they sell in a tube.

Well, you haven't changed a bit. You've been sucking on that same old lemon

for... Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! What is going on here? It's one o 'clock in

the morning.

You two are at each other's throats.

I mean, what kind of family is this supposed to be? We're all adults, right?

Would you please take off that hat?

You know...

I feel cheated.

I really do.

I had everything except a family.

Other people would talk about their big Thanksgivings, and I'd tell about how

Dad saw Mother's purse in half with the electric knife.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Can't you hold it together for one day? One day so I can enjoy myself. Is that

too much to ask?

Yeah, well, I, uh...

I hear what you're saying, Susie Q.

Yeah, you're right.

Absolutely right.

Well, I don't know about her, but I'm willing to put those old differences

aside.

I think I can, too.

So this is where everybody is.

Maybe we should... Start by having lunch together tomorrow at Le Mans.

Is that one of those tie and jacket kind of joints? No, no, I don't like that.

No, no.

How about the fish joint off Connecticut?

Since when do you eat fish?

Since I found someone who could cook it.

When did you become a connoisseur on food? You don't have to be a connoisseur

recognize burnt fish.

I hate it when Mom and Dad fight.

I love the Jim Dial voice.

Could you say this is Nick at night?

This is Nick at night. Stay tuned for Murphy Brown.

Stay tuned for Murphy Brown. Moe isn't in right now. Leave a message at the

tone. My good friend Moe isn't here right now.

Damn.