Original subtitles

Whoa.

Oh, mercy, mercy me.

Oh, things ain't what they used to be.

Where did all the blue skies go?

Poison is the wind that blows from the north.

Oh,

mercy, mercy me.

Oh.

Dr.

Sikora, as one of our leading environmental scientists, you've given

frightening facts and figures this evening.

But let's make this more personal.

It's the year 2050 in America.

If we've made no changes in our attitudes or behavior, what is life

Well, I hope you're ready for this.

Say you wake up on a summer day.

First off, you'd find the Mercury's already over 100 degrees.

There have been a lot more of these hot days due to the greenhouse effect.

And the air is so dirty, school children are not allowed to play outside most

days of the year.

Maybe you want to seek relief at the beach.

But hotter temperatures have caused rising sea levels.

Many of our beaches are gone forever.

And even if you can find a beach, the water's been off limits for three

due to pollution.

So you head indoors.

As you walk, you're assaulted by the sight and smell of garbage.

It's everywhere.

We ran out of places to dump it decades ago.

Dr. Sakura, I'd like to bring this segment to a close by asking you, is it

late to turn things around?

Not yet.

But we Americans have got to stop living in a waste mentality.

We throw out twice as much garbage per person as the average Japanese or

European. And our air pollution, half of it comes from our own tailpipes.

Thank you, Dr. Sakura.

So, will this be how the human race goes out?

Killed off by our own wasteful lifestyles.

We must put aside these petty comforts and conveniences, for we are living in

the last chance decade.

Let us keep in mind this Native American proverb.

We do not inherit the land from our ancestors.

We borrow it from our children.

Jim.

Murphy, thank you.

And thank you all for joining us this evening. This has been a special edition

of FYI. Good night.

Here's that glass of water you asked for. Thanks.

Did you see FYI tonight?

Interesting information.

People very often ask for water in restaurants just out of habit.

You probably don't realize, but it takes three glasses of water to serve one.

One to wash, one to rinse, and one for the ice.

Yeah, right.

Drink the water.

Sorry I'm late, but the switchboard was going crazy.

342 positive calls and only one negative.

Yeah. Who would make a negative call?

Exxon.

They said we should lighten up.

Guys, I think this is one of our best efforts.

To the A -team.

Here, here. Yeah.

Oh, please, don't look now.

Oh, no, Jerry Gold. Like there isn't enough pollution.

Shouldn't he be rounding up guests for next week's show?

Or did the world run out of white -swapping skinhead transvestites?

I don't know what it is about him. He gets to me like no one else can. Makes

so mad. Every time, I just can't... The words don't... I could just...

Oh, no, he's coming over here. He always touches me.

Hide, hide, hide.

Oh, hey, look who's here. My old pals from FYI.

Mind if I join you?

Right now, it's going to get good.

So, how you doing, sweetcakes?

Yeah, I saw your show tonight.

Do you mind a few suggestions from a colleague?

Oh, when a snowball in hell freezes over and pigs drive.

Take a pass on the critique, Jer. We're not big on pointers from a guy whose

last interview was wearing nipple clamps.

I forgot you're the only real news people around here. I'm just some poor

schnook with 30 million viewers a week.

You know, let me tell you something. It's pretty easy sitting around telling

American public all the stuff they should give up to save the planet. While

Brown, fire up your gas -guzzling sports car to go to the dry cleaners two

blocks from here. Hey, man, you know you can't come in here pointing fingers at

her. Set him straight, Murphy.

I may have done it once.

Okay, twice. It looked like it was going to snow.

Uh -huh.

Frankie saw you at the gym last week.

You were at the gym?

Yeah, I like to watch the babes do squat thrusts.

Anyway, Fontana, what was that, like a 20 -minute shower you were taking? I

mean, all that hot water.

I have an oily scalp.

And Jimmy, when's the last time you carpooled, huh?

You just don't make you say me stop it.

Well, I guess that just about sums it up.

Look, this has been a lot of fun.

As always, see you around. Not so fast, nature boy. Before you race back to your

roach motel, I think we'd all love to hear what you do for the environment.

Yeah.

You want to know what I do for the environment?

Well, I heat my pool 365 days a year, and I don't even swim.

And when I fill my tank, it's nothing but leaded gas for me.

A man's gas.

What am I going to do with the future? Leave it to my kids? I don't even leave

them my foreign address.

But at least I don't sing one tune in public and then dance to another at

What are you saying, Gold? That I'm a hypocrite? Is that what you're saying?

That I'm a hypocrite?

Bingo! Tell the lady what she's won, Phil.

You and Robert Redford and your whole band of wimpy tree -huggers are all the

same.

You're always picking on the little guy.

Tell him how he's supposed to live his life.

I'll bet you right now in front of everyone, if you had to live without

conditioners and your limos and your cushy little lifestyles, you wouldn't

two weeks.

Excuse me.

Am I understanding you correctly?

Are you saying that the best news organization in the business couldn't

together for two weeks of recycling and conserving? Is that it?

That's it.

So? I'll take you up on that. It's a deal.

Free.

If you guys lose, Murphy has to do a personal appearance on my show.

You're on.

Murphy Brown on the Jerry Gold Show. I love this.

And I know the show for you, too. Hope you look good in edible panties.

Thank Mrs.

McMurray from Ladies for Lelies Castration.

And I want to thank you too, Bert. Sorry if we cut you short.

Anyway, before we wrap this thing up here today, I want to remind you again

about our Murphy Watch. Now, this is a big opportunity for our Washington, D

viewers. We're offering 50 bucks to anybody who spots one of those FYI

hypocrites throwing their cans and bottles out with the regular trash.

And if you catch them with their car...

too clean wasting the water our grandkids deserve i'll give you a

the biggie a thousand simoleons for a snapshot of one of those guys

riding alone in the carpool lane and don't forget our special murphy watch

number 1 -800 -i -saw -her everybody get out of here

The maggot went national with this. He's trying to humiliate us. I'd like to see

the rock he crawled under from out in a short walk off a low... Easy, big guy.

Miles, did you see Jerry Gold? The whole building saw it. That little twerp from

graphics followed me to the elevator waiting to catch me tossing this in the

trash. I'm afraid to put it down.

Well, I say let them watch. You know what they'll see? A highly organized and

efficient system of waste management starting with this.

Okay, everybody, listen up.

From now on, we're starting a recycling stack.

And do we really need four separate newspapers where we could share one?

And look at this. It's like an industrial waste dump. All these napkins

paper plates and these plastic forks that we use once and then throw away.

And no more disposable cups.

From now on, I want everyone to bring their own mug.

We'll just make up a little schedule and take turns washing them.

I'd like to volunteer for the first shift.

The devil's styrofoam. We'll all be dead and gone, but this stuff will still be

around fresh as the day it was made.

I say no more ordering takeout food from places that use polystyrene until they

find a practical way to recycle it. All right.

Hey, here's something else.

Starting tomorrow, we carpool.

Yes. Murphy, you don't live that far from me. What do you say I pick you up

tomorrow morning, 7 a .m.? You leave for the office at 7 a .m.? I'm a morning

person. Come on, Murphy. Are you with me on this or not?

Yeah.

Okay, you got it.

Carpooling is happening.

Carpooling is good. All right. And I could use the extra time to get a jump

my research on the Census Bureau story.

You know, Jim and Frank and I could ride in together.

I could pick you up first, Jim, and then we could take the expressway to get

Frank. Can I count on you to be downstairs on time, Mr. Fashion Crisis?

I'll be there.

I'll be there. Gee.

Okay, everybody, get cracking. Go through your trash and take out all your

recyclable paper, aluminum cans, and glass bottles. We can do this.

Yeah.

Thanks for driving again, Miles.

You know, I realized something.

So much of my attention comes from sitting behind the wheel. It's nice to

passenger for a change.

Hey, no problem.

I love to drive.

I just flip on my tape player and cruise.

By the way, those 60 tape gears are kind of neat.

And did I actually hear you singing along to Love Child?

You know, I think there's hope for you yet.

And that's where Bressalyn and I had it out. Right on the Branch Avenue off

-ramp of the Beltway.

That'll always be a special off -ramp for me.

Hi, you guys are in early. Yeah, I've, uh, I got a morning edit session, and

and Corky were good enough to bend their schedule. Thanks again, guys, and, uh,

sorry you had to honk for me.

Oh, what's an extra 15 minutes, as long as you have the right time.

I'm still not sure.

You know, this is really fun.

I think I've learned more about Jim in one week than I have all year.

It's funny, but... When you've been a part of this city as long as I have, a

simple ride to work becomes a kaleidoscope of memories.

My first formal ball at the Woodrow Wilson House.

My first live remote at the old pension building.

Do you know those are the largest Corinthian columns in the world? Yes, we

know that.

I'll tell you something.

At first, I just wanted to show off Jerry Gold. But it's so much more than

winning some bet.

I mean, look at us.

In our own small, personal way.

We're making a difference.

Hey.

My cup's dirty.

That's my fault. It was my turn to wash the mugs last night, but I was really

struggling to finish my research on the Census Bureau.

I guess I didn't get to your mug, Miles.

Murphy, forget about it.

Just a mug with some old coffee and a wad of gum in it.

I can't listen to myself.

Thanks a million, Miles. I tell you what, I'll wash the mugs again tonight,

you a night off.

Sure, of course.

That's what this is all about.

Being flexible, making compromises, learning to adapt, right?

expect me to do, Murphy? Go through the truck?

Maybe you didn't realize it, Miles, but that funny round thing you hang on to

while you're driving is a steering wheel. You turn it so you can go around

slow traffic instead of sitting there while the decade changes.

Oh, well, I don't drive like you, Murphy. I don't hurtle towards the

light at warp speed and then slam on my brakes when the light turns red.

causing my passenger to lurch forward and scream in terror.

And I visit my points of vehicles on the expressway, laughing maniacally when I

score a 50 for cutting off a Cadillac. I'll tell you something else, but if

you're going to sing along to my music, get the words right, okay?

It's Love Child Never Meant to Be, Love Child Take a Look at Me, not Take a Look

or Three. What the hell does that mean?

All I'm saying is if you had to take your cat to the vet this morning, put it

a carrier. Don't let it crawl all over the car. and under people who then have

to spend their morning picking Mr. Puffy's hairs off their dark blue suit.

Well, Jim, why don't you just chalk it up as one more amusing story in your

to go along with all the other amusing stories in your life so you never run

of amusing stories to tell people while they're trapped in a car with you while

you amuse them with your story after story after story.

Oh,

what a rush.

My house to work, 17 miles.

You know, that long curl around the ellipse.

I got this searing pain in my right hamstring.

I'm telling you, I just about lost it. But I kept saying to myself, one more

mile. It's for clean air. You can do it. It's important.

Give it up, Frank. Your car passes during 65 miles an hour on the

Avenue exit. Your bike was on the rack and you were spraying yourself with

water.

You cheater!

Well, give me a break, will you? I need my car tonight. I finally got a date

with that CNN producer.

A great romantic evening we'll have squeezing the backseat of Corky's car

Mr. Puffy brings up a hairball.

That's it. I don't want the cheater in my car.

Great. Take Captain Breakpedal there.

No way. I'm allergic to cats.

Oh, well, fine. I'll ride with them. Oh, no, you won't. Forget about it. Oh,

well, what a wonderful... attitude. Do you have any idea what I've been going

through? Every night I've got Jerry Gold viewers combing through my trash.

I've got so much garbage on my front lawn it looks like a goat exploded.

So I've got guys at the gym watching to see how long I shower.

I don't like guys watching me shower.

I'm funny that way, okay? I've had it with this whole thing.

Ellen,

go see if that food delivery guy is coming. I haven't eaten all day and I'm

starving.

And are we too weak to add a simple please?

Give me a break, Rialdon. It's the last day of the stinking bed and I've got an

8 a .m. deadline.

If that food doesn't get here soon, I may have to eat the wood in the

Here's a wild thought. Buy groceries.

I went to the market, Eldon. I spent two hours... hours picking out pesticide

-free produce and non -colored toilet paper. I made the clerk go through every

box of detergents until he found one without phosphates. And then, after

Jerry Goldoids, who stalked me through the aisles with their Instamatics, I had

to leave everything there.

And do you know why?

Because all they had were plastic bags that weren't recyclable.

So then, after I finished putting everything back on the shelves, I was

just... Food!

Yes! Go get that for me, will you please, Elvin?

You know...

This is going to be okay.

I'll have my dinner. I'll finish my piece. In a few hours, that swine bucket

Jerry Gold will be eating his words.

Give me, give me.

Oh.

Oh, no.

This can't be happening.

I asked them, Eldon.

I asked them specifically if they used polished iron containers.

They said no.

That's what they said.

Well, back it goes.

We gotta let these restaurants know that we mean business. Right. That's what we

have to do. Just let me take a peek at the food, Eldon.

To see if they screwed up the order on top of everything else.

They got it right.

Spaghetti carbonara.

You know how sometimes the egg gets all clumpy in the sauce?

It wasn't. And there was garlic toast.

Crispy, crusty, soft in the middle.

Sprinkling of imported Parmesan cheese on the top. I'm eating this.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Don't give me any grief, Eldon. This stupid stuff's been manufactured

There's nothing I can do about that. Maybe you've given up on the miracle of

reproduction.

But I would like to think one day there'll be a little Eldonette.

And I hope, I hope she'll have a place to frolic.

While her father, now more famous than Picasso, sits on the deck of his beach

house, painting a breathtaking sunset, while his wife, Susan Anton,

looks on.

Forget it, Eldon. Why is it up to me anyway? I've done my share. More.

I'm not the one deforesting the planet. I'm not the one causing acid rain.

One lousy container isn't going to make a difference from this generation to the

next.

Planet killer.

Who's going to see?

Who's going to know?

Yes. Would you return this to the restaurant for me, please?

You make me very proud.

Okay, okay, that's enough.

Well, folks, I bet a lot of you are expecting to see Murphy Brown on our

today. But it ain't happening, gang.

Hey, you let me down.

You didn't get one thing on her or her band of FYI do -gooders. So guess what?

I take it on the chin.

But hey, that's okay.

I admit when I've lost a bet.

And I'll read a statement that Ms. Brown said I wouldn't be man enough to read

on the air.

I, Jerry Gold, must apologize.

I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

I totally misjudged you, Murphy.

You are a woman of integrity and commitment.

And I, Jerry Gold, must learn to stop shooting off my loud,

arrogant, obnoxious, ash can of a mouth.

At best, I am a worm.

Okay, somebody want to recycle this?

Really, two weeks? I tell you, it seemed like two years. Yes, but it was worth

it. That bombastic, big -mouthed blowhard bungled the bed and blew his

to bits.

She's back!

Okay, people, let's get back to the story meeting.

Let's not forget what we're here for. We've got a show to fill up.

Murphy, your piece in the Census Bureau is very strong. I'd like to anchor the

show with it. So what we need is a hot opening.

Well, you know, I've been doing some digging until all the emergency rooms

down. Could be something. Tell me on it.

Well, everybody's pointing fingers at everybody else. The doctors, the

companies, the government.

Bottom line is, you get injured, you're in trouble.

So, I was thinking if we were to...

Hold on

a second, will you guys?

Anyway, as I was saying...

I think emergency room care is something we should give priority to because

people are really in trouble.