Original subtitles

Listen, baby.

Ain't no mountain high. Ain't no valley low. Ain't no river wide enough,

baby. If you need me, call me. No matter where you are.

No matter how far.

Don't worry, baby.

Call my name. I'll be there in a hurry.

You don't have to worry.

Oh, baby.

the new kid on the block.

As a gesture of our hospitality, you may be the first to select a donut from

this box.

A donut, huh?

What the hell?

Why should I care if my thigh's ballooned?

My husband left me for a waitress at Denny's.

I haven't had a date in a year. My cat got run over in the driveway and my

in jail.

I might as well be dead.

Okay, great to have you aboard.

Murphy brought.

That's right. Every donut ever invented, including all your old favorites.

Peanut cluster, lemon cream, honey glaze.

And for you, Frank, my old pal, my foxhole buddy. A chocolate torpedo?

One for you and one for me.

All right.

Certainly chipper this morning, Slugger. What's up?

Oh, only about the best story of the year.

Uh, Murph, there's only one chocolate torpedo in here.

What do you mean? I asked them for two.

Oh. I know how much you love torpedoes. I want you to take it.

Ordinarily, I would. Frank, you know me. But today, I'm feeling especially

generous. Take the torpedo.

Please, I insist.

Okay.

Frank, do you think it could be any more disgusting?

Miles, take the bran muffin and let's get started.

Wait a minute.

Why is everyone here on time?

What's going on?

Something bad is going to happen to me, right?

Join the emotionally stable, Miles.

Now, let's get the meeting started. Ask me about my story idea. Go on. Go ahead.

Ask me.

This is a trick, isn't it?

Come on, Miles. We don't have all day.

Okay. What's your story idea?

Ah, maybe I'll let somebody else go first. I don't want to make everybody

feel bad when their stories pale by comparison.

Somebody else go ahead.

Go on. Jim?

You're a mess, Frank.

Okay, okay, I got a story.

Miles, you are going to love this.

I got a call this morning, anonymous.

It seems as though someone very high up at the FAA is on the tape from someone

very high up at Bryden Aircraft.

Now, Bryden has the contract on cargo door mechanisms, and it seems as

Are you kidding?

Is this a joke, Frank? What?

That's my story. I got an anonymous call last night.

Safety tests on the cargo doors didn't pan out, so they falsified them, and now

they're bribing an FAA official for approval.

I was going to do that story.

Wow, that is incredible, Frank. Very, very hot stuff.

That's my hot stuff. Mine. That's my story.

What do you mean it's your story? Come on, Murph. I pitched it first. Everybody

heard me.

Oh, sure.

I was being nice. See what it gets me? He's stealing my story. First my donut,

now this.

Murphy, don't make such a big deal out of it. Take my donut.

Guys, guys.

Hold it.

This is not a problem.

Now, I don't see any reason why the two of you can't work together on this.

I mean, the potential of the story is certainly big enough. Work together,

You know, that's an interesting idea. I mean, it sounds okay to me. What do you

think, Murph?

I guess it sounds okay to me, too.

Right. It could even be fun. Not to mention productive.

Right. And then I guess what? One of us would do the story on the air.

Yeah.

I wonder how we decide which one.

Well, it's just so simple.

You give it to the first person who cracks the story.

Do I have to do everything around here?

Hey there, Murphy.

Hiya, Phil.

What's all this?

Oh, no change it, Phil.

We've always been known as a lunch place, so I figured a little

might drum up some new business at night.

You know, Phil, I've got to hand it to you. Not only are you a brilliant

entrepreneur, but you've got your finger on the pulse of this city.

Why, I bet the Speaker of the House doesn't know as many people as you do.

I'll bet you know, say, half the people in the FAA alone.

What are we getting at here, Murphy?

I need the name of someone in the FAA who can open a few doors for me. Someone

who can point me in the direction of a major scandal.

Sounds like a tall order.

And you know, I was thinking, Phil...

when was the last time you and Phyllis came over to my house for dinner? Never.

Well, then it's about time you did. How about it? You can't cook.

Did I say cook? I meant treat you to a nice dinner at Sardella's. I know how

Phyllis loves Italian.

Oh, I don't know.

Did I mention the bottle of Don Perignon? And I don't have to eat with

guy's name is Sean Russell.

He used to be their traffic controller.

Got squeezed out during a strike a few years ago.

That's all I can tell you. Thanks, Phil. You're the best.

Thanks, Phil. Thanks again. Really, I mean, it is amazing how many people you

know. Oh, hi, Murph.

How are things?

Things, Frank?

Things are just fine, thanks. And how are things with you? Oh, fine, just

I just stopped by to have a... Beer with my old pal, Phil.

And what brings you by in the middle of the afternoon?

Oh, nothing much, really. I just thought I'd stop by and make sure my old pal,

Phil, was doing okay.

Is there livestock in here?

Well, uh... Listen, I'd love to stick around and chat, but I've got this

important appointment.

Thanks again, Phil. I won't forget this. Yeah, just don't forget that Barca

lounger. Got it.

Hi, Corky. Got a minute? I need to ask a favor of you. Of me?

Really? I just got off the phone with Morton Hoyle at records, and he's

down a few things for backstory on Bryden Aircraft.

Uh -huh.

Anyway, in passing, he happened to mention how much he'd like to meet you.

knowing what an open and friendly person you are, I said I was pretty sure you'd

love to meet him.

Wait a minute, Murphy.

You said I'd love to meet someone who works three floors below street level.

Is this some kind of a fix -up?

Well, yeah. Oh, come on, Corky. The fresh air will do him good.

Murphy, I am shocked and disappointed in you.

It'll be a cold day in H -E double hockey sticks before I'll be the cheese

your mouth trap.

Hey, I didn't vomit some sex.

Murphy, I'm busy.

I just wanted to ask you a question.

Yesterday I noticed when you went into the men's room, Frank was in there, and

was wondering, any interesting aircraft manufacturer talk come up?

Sorry, Murphy, but I won't be dragged into the middle of this. I'm trying to

as impartial as possible.

So I'll tell you what Frank said to me in the men's room.

Pass the sports section.

After I got out of the hospital with my dad, that's when I had the car accident.

It was at Christmas, the same day my purse was stolen.

I remember that because... You know, this sounds like a fascinating story,

I've got to get to a meeting. I'll see you later, okay?

Yeah, right.

Locked up in your office, blinds drawn, lots of secret phone calls.

You're on to something, huh?

I haven't seen you all day either, Frank. Your secretary said you got a

call this morning and shot out of here like a bat out of hell.

That's the exact phrase she used, Frank.

Bat out of hell.

She exaggerates.

Murph, do you feel as stupid as I do?

Yeah. What are we doing here, Frank? I don't know, but it's very strange.

I know. Look, why don't we get together tonight at Phil's, grab a bite, huh?

Forget this story for a while. I was hoping you'd say that. I miss my pals.

Eight o 'clock?

Oh, gee, eight o 'clock?

Eight o 'clock's great. I'll see you there.

of yellow.

There's someone over there at the bar who looks just a little bit blue.

A little lonely.

I think I'll go and cheer him up.

Well, you've come to the right place, my friend. Yes.

Phil's at night.

Where the lonely become unlonely.

I'm not lonely. I'm waiting for someone else.

need to be ashamed, my friend. We all need a little companionship now and

I told you, I'm meeting someone.

Yes!

Phil's at night where people

Speaking of the Dodgers, like a rhinestone cowboy, riding

out on a horse in a star -spangled rodeo. The man's an idiot.

Hey, Phil, I've got 815. What time have you got?

If this guy doesn't take a break soon, I'm going to have to install a speed

to keep the people from running out of here.

815, unbelievable.

Why isn't she here?

I'll tell you why.

Because she knew I'd be stupid enough to show up and wait for her while she's

out there tracking down leads.

I bet you found the phone caller. I'm telling you, Phil, the woman has a dark

side to her. Very, very dark.

Sit down, you bum. You're making my ears bleed.

Okay. If that's the kind of game she wants to play, that is fine with me. I

get down right there in the dirt with her.

So much for friendship.

I got things to do. I'll see you later, Phil.

How about some impression?

Any request?

Salmon Rusty.

Don't know him, but here's one of my favorites you might recognize.

Our host with the most, Phil.

Of course, the meat's fresh. I was riding the horse yesterday.

Which reminds me, it's 12. If I could talk to those cannibals. Just imagine

Hi,

Phil. Is Frank here?

Frank? Oh, he left. He said he had things to do.

You're kidding.

He left?

I'm 15 lousy minutes late and he left?

Unbelievable. I lose my keys. I'm retracing my steps from the entire day

hands and knees in the parking lot.

God,

Phil, this guy stinks.

Aw, gee, Murphy, thanks for pointing that out to me.

You know what I think?

I think Frank's on to something. I think he's located the anonymous caller.

In fact, I'm sure of it. He's probably meeting with him right now.

I think the jury would understand if I jumped over the bar and choked him to

death.

You know, I'd love to hang around, but I'm not about to let him get the best of

me, Mr.

Investigator Reporter, huh?

We'll see about that.

Hey, hey, speaking of pretty ladies, it's Murphy Brown.

more like a dull thud behind my left ear it started this morning it's probably

stress it all goes back to that doesn't it i'm telling you my ex -husband is

driving me out of my mind jim come over here have you met

murphy's new secretary oh yes we met yesterday great well i've got lots of

to do so why don't you two just chat

How goes it?

Not too good.

I've had a headache all morning.

Sort of a dull thud here, behind my left ear.

Well, better get it checked. Could be a brain tumor, you know.

Okay, okay, Murph. Yeah, Murph, I will get back to you on that great idea of

yours. And listen, keep Sunday open, okay? I got field passes for the game.

Maybe we'll get a bite to eat afterwards.

Murph, would you please forget that silly diet of yours?

Hi,

Frank. Oh, hi, Murph. I didn't see you there.

Yeah, just like I didn't see you last night at Phil's.

Well, I was there at 8 o 'clock. Unless maybe you thought I meant 8 a .m. I

should have been more clear.

Gee, no, Frank. I couldn't have thought you meant this morning. I wasn't even in

town this morning. Oh, really? Where were you?

I think you know. I think you figured someone might want to tail you, so you

dressed your neighbor in your clothes, gave him your car, and told him to drive

to Baltimore.

Yeah, well, what were you doing following me in the first place, huh?

What were you doing in my office, and what's that you've got in your hand?

Nothing. It's something.

You got that off my desk, didn't you?

Okay, maybe I did.

Tell me, Murph, what's going on at the zoo at around 11 o 'clock? A rendezvous,

perhaps, with our anonymous phone? caller, maybe?

Ha! You're so far off, you're in Buffalo.

Oh, well, then I guess you won't mind if I drop by the zoo around, say, 11.

You know, I haven't been to the zoo in a long time.

Great idea, Frank. Don't forget to visit your relatives in the reptile house.

Unless my best friend planted this note on her desk, hoping that her best friend

would find it. And while I'm hanging around... The monkey house watching Bobo

pick lice off his wife's back.

You are scooping the story of the year. You think that just because I've been in

therapy for a few years, you can play these little mind games on me, huh?

Darn it all. You figured it out. I thought I could fool you, but I didn't

realize who I was up against.

You are going to the zoo, aren't you?

You think that I think this note is a fake, but in fact, it's real.

No, mi amigo.

Frank Fontana is wise to your lies, four eyes.

Frank, whatever you do, don't quit therapy.

I was in a hurry. Forget it. No big deal.

Wait a minute. You're him.

Five foot ten, blue striped tie. You're the guy I'm supposed to meet. Yeah,

yeah, I'm him. Where have you been anyway?

I'm really late. I know. I'm sorry.

No problem. I love hanging around this toilet.

I made friends here. I'll keep for the rest of my life.

Look, I had to keep making detours to make sure I wasn't being followed.

I've been at Brighton 15 months. If they find out what I'm doing, I could lose

my job. Unless they have me killed. Either way, it's going to affect my

But you've come so far already.

And ask yourself this.

How are you going to feel when one of those cargo doors fails and innocent

are lost?

You know I'm right.

You know you've got to go through with this.

I knew it. It wasn't the zoo. I was right all along.

What are you doing here, Frank? You couldn't have followed me here. No one

have followed me here. Well, I certainly couldn't follow you in my car since

someone let all the air out of the tires. How did you get here, Frank? How?

do you think? I hid in your trunk.

a disgusting pair of gym shoes and a rotting head of lettuce, which I'm

you bought in late 85.

You hid in my trunk?

A grown man hiding in a person's trunk?

You think Mike Wallace ever hid in a trunk?

Boy, you must be really desperate to... Made desperate? I'll tell you,

desperate. Who called security and told them I was stealing my own typewriter?

Who did that, huh? Oh, yeah, well, who paid Ernie the janitor 50 bucks to go

through my trash? I've got your number. You know, you call yourself a friend

when it's convenient.

He's gone.

A marmoset in heat.

Eldon, why are there paint cans on my porch?

And why are you wearing my bathrobe?

Ah, a two -parter.

The paint cans are patiently waiting for me to take them to the dump.

And I'm wearing your bathrobe because I tore my overalls. Or would you prefer I

did my sewing buck naked?

Keep the robe, Eldon. But I'm going to turn off the music. I've got a headache

and I've had a bad day.

I work for a philistine.

Okay if I come in for a minute?

I guess so.

Hi, Eldon.

Nice robe.

Thank you.

So, Frank, what brings you here?

Well, I just dropped by to remind you that your dry cleaning will be ready

tomorrow.

What? Yeah, I found this plane check while it was in your trunk.

Also, your spare's a little low.

Oh, thanks.

Murph, listen, really, I came by to apologize.

I don't know, I just, I get so competitive sometimes.

I've always got to be the first one there to win.

You don't have to tell me. I've been that way myself once or twice.

Yes, I know.

What do you mean?

Murph, can we bury the hatchet for a minute?

I was thinking.

Well, I have this idea. It's a little bit radical. I don't know if you're

to go along with it, how you feel about it. Let's work on the story together.

I was hoping you'd say that.

You and me, two driven, aggressive, neurotic, compulsive overachievers,

crack the sucker wide open.

That was Miles. He wants it to turn on the television Channel 9 right now.

And as expected, Brighton Aircraft and the FAA denied the allegations that any

payoffs involving tests on cargo doors took place.

However, it was Nightline's Ted Koppel who received an anonymous call early

evening from an engineer at Brighton who supplied Koppel with all the test

results in question.

Directly following this program, Nightline will devote full coverage to

latest in a rash of government scandals.

Everything I touch turns to art.

I'm sorry, Frank. This is all my fault.

Oh, no, it isn't. It's my fault.

No, really. I started it. It's my fault.

Okay, it is your fault.

What do you mean it's my fault?

It's not my fault.

You know whose fault it is?

It's my old fault.

You're right. It is his fault.

I said we go over to his house right now and teach him a lesson. Great idea.

What do we do to him?

We get his garden hose.

We stick it through the mail slot. We turn it on full blast. We run like hell.

Ah, Frank, we did that already. I've got a better idea.

First we get a sheep. Then we get two pairs of high heels.

I love it.