Original subtitles

Thank you.

Do clean -out toys R us? Well, wait a minute. I didn't just buy toys. I got

some books, too.

The cat in the hat.

Make way for ducklings.

Women who love men too much.

If somebody'd had the foresight to give this to you.

Murphy, I gotta tell you.

I know our mother said this. I know pregnant women always say this.

But this, you gotta try.

This is the greatest.

No, thanks. I wear very expensive shoes, and I like to see them.

Come on. Now, don't tell me you've never even thought about it. Sure, I've

thought about it. But what kind of mother would I be? The phone rings, and

on a midnight flight to the Sudan.

What if my kids wound up hating me? What if they wrote a book about me, and it

got made into a movie, and Lonnie Anderson played me?

It's very scary stuff, Lisa.

Murphy, how long have we known each other?

I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you never wanted a baby.

Hey, Eldon, how are you doing? Having a good day? Yeah.

Oh, got a great idea for a mural in your bathroom?

Presidents with beards.

Lisa, I want you to meet Eldon Bernicke. He's working here forever.

Alan, nice to meet you. I see you got a bun in the oven.

Women are so attractive when they're pregnant.

You know, it's not too late for you. Buy yourself a couple of tube tops.

Maybe you'll get lucky.

What?

It's okay, it's okay.

Can't you just kick?

Murph, Murph, you gotta feel this. Get away. No, no, come on, come on. Just put

your hand right there. Maybe later.

Wait, wait, wait.

Can I try?

They're clean.

Clean. Sure.

Hello, Katie.

My name is Eldon.

I bet you have a beautiful smile.

Whoa, whoa, she gets good for a girl. Move it, Eldon, let me see.

Jeez, look how late it's gotten.

I gotta go.

Let me help you with this stuff.

You have a file sign?

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Women who love men too much.

Must have been written by a chick with a big butt.

Yeah, okay.

Murph, I need my stomach back. One minute. Get your own. It was your idea.

Whoa. Wow.

That was incredible.

Yeah.

Look, Murphy, I know what you can do to people who rag on you about something.

So if I'm willing to risk this, it must be pretty important.

Murphy, do not miss this experience.

Or you'll regret it till the day you die.

Excuse me. Am I in the right place? I'm looking for the Meridian Hill cryobank.

You found it.

Cryobank. Well, I guess it's better than having sperm bank plastered across your

business cards.

I have an appointment. My name is Martha Reeves. Wait a minute.

You are that person on television.

Mary. Mary Brown.

No, Margaret Brown.

Marsha. Millie. Murphy. Murphy! Wow, yes!

Hi! I'm Sheila Michaels.

Hi. What on earth are you doing here?

Researching a story.

And, uh, I was wondering for my story.

Many women about...

Forty. With no particular man in their lives, yet wanting to know what it's

to have a baby, and have decided that adoption is certainly an option for the

future, but would first like to experience childbirth if they can,

here, right?

Right.

Then you're saying it's not that unusual that there's something actually

efficient... I, uh, I left it with the technician.

Harvard Law School. Never had a cavity.

Think about it.

Hello, Miss Brown.

You're slouching again.

Shouldn't do that. Pretty girl like you.

I'll be in my office. Fold my calls.

My, don't you look so very grown up in your nice blazer.

Thank you.

Is Murphy in? Oh, yes.

But she doesn't want to be bothered. She just got back from the sperm bank.

People, people, obviously Murphy is working on a story.

I didn't assign her any story like that.

Oh.

Oh! Come on, now.

We're talking about Murphy.

This is a woman who wrote a letter to the airline suggesting that children fly

cargo. Yes.

Yes, but we all know the cold, hard fact.

Murphy's eggs are getting old.

If she's trying to get pregnant, this could seriously affect the show.

Miles, go in there and see what's going on.

Oh, sure.

The last time I asked her a personal question, she told Earl in the mailroom

wanted him.

For what?

Cute, but too many allergies.

Can't dance.

Low SATs.

Mother problems.

Hi, you busy?

No, not really.

Listen, I'm going to be paying my tax. tonight over in that little club in

Georgetown. Some of the guys asked me if I wanted to sit in and I could use a

pal in the audience.

You're on. Great. Got time for a little dinner first? Yeah, I found a really

good new Chinese restaurant with the most incredible... Mushroom shrimp with

lemon sauce.

Scooped me again.

Give it up, Murph. You know I'm the best.

What time do you want me to pick you up?

Murph?

You know, Frank, I'm really glad we're pals.

Did I ever tell you that?

Gee, that's really nice.

I mean, we have so much in common.

We're in the same line of work. We have the same politics.

We both got thrown out of Est.

Every year the friendship seems to grow. Don't you think so?

Yeah.

Frank, I want to ask you something.

What?

It's a favor.

So ask me.

It's a big favor.

Oh, come on, Murphy. You want to borrow my Junior Walker album again? I don't

know. You already put a big scratch on it. I want you to father my child.

Excuse me?

I want to have a baby, Frank. I need a father.

I think it could work.

This is a joke, right?

I know what you're thinking. It's a little unorthodox, but I've done a lot

it. You want to have sex with me, right, Murph? Is that what you're saying?

You want to have sex with me? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Frank, please. I don't want to have sex with you. I'm talking about fertilizing

an egg. We don't even have to be in the same room.

Oh, this is too weird.

Look, Murph, I think we should forget dinner tonight. Just listen to me a

minute, okay?

For a long time now, I felt like I was 23, and if I wanted a baby, it was my

choice. Suddenly, I'm 40, and all my options are disappearing.

I don't want to look back and feel like I missed something, like I made a

mistake. Don't you ever think about this, Frank? Yes, but it doesn't involve

you, Murphy.

You're my best friend.

We're pals.

That's why this is so perfect.

We'll be pals forever.

No divorce, no custody battles. Our kid will be well -traveled and smart and

funny and a good public speaker.

that two sane people are having this conversation.

How long are you going to wait, Frank? When are either of us ever in the same

place long enough to meet someone?

Our most enduring relationship is with the skycap at Dulles Airport.

Come on.

Don't you want someone to carry the gene for that perfect fall -away jump shot

of yours?

It's the way I arch my wrist. You can't just cheat there.

Don't wait till you're so old the kid has to spot you 20 points.

I gotta go, Murph. My hair is falling out.

Just promise me you'll think about it.

Think about it carefully.

I need to know in two days.

Oh, my God.

That's when I'm fertile.

Oh, my God.

Miles, have you seen Frank? I've been looking for him all day. I haven't seen

him since yesterday.

Jim, have you seen Frank?

Can't say that I have, Murphy.

I saw him this morning in the parking lot, sitting in his car, all alone, just

sitting there.

and thinning and... I almost forgot to tell you.

The fertility clinic called.

They can take your partner tomorrow if you have one yet.

involved in this, do you? I don't know. At this point, anything's possible.

The office is no place for stuff like this, Miles.

How are we supposed to concentrate on our jobs? He's right.

I've seen what can happen when this sort of thing pervades the workplace.

Performance suffers.

Facts go unchecked.

Then before you know it, there's a name in the baby pool.

I never win those things.

Might as well throw my two dollars right out the window.

Murphy, could I talk to you privately?

Uh, it's really not a good time for me, Carl. I just want you to remember this.

I'm a modern thinking guy.

These things often take time.

Damina is my middle name.

I have been going crazy.

Babies, babies, they're everywhere. Have you ever noticed that? In the park, in

the supermarket.

At the basketball game, I saw this guy with his kids sitting on his shoulders,

wearing this little bullet t -shirt, calling him daddy.

I couldn't take my eyes off him. I never would have even noticed two days ago.

Now, now it's all I think about.

I tried to shake myself out of it.

I pictured melted crayons on my dashboard and lollipops stuck in my

I ended up smiling. I tried braces and chicken pox and stupid drawings all over

the refrigerator.

Smiling.

What are you saying?

I am saying that two days ago, I thought that this was the most outrageous idea

I'd ever heard.

Today, it makes perfect sense.

Two friends bringing a child into the world, caring for it.

if it's a girl, and Anthony if it's a boy.

We'll talk.

So what do we do now? I've got the whole thing organized.

I already made an appointment for you at the fertility clinic.

Noon tomorrow.

I go in at two.

That's it, huh?

Jeez, all those Saturdays with Mr. Wizard. He never covered this.

Yeah.

Oh, Phil.

Where were your kids these days?

Not in the hospital, not in jail.

I'd have to say they're doing fine.

I know you loved to kid about them, but I bet you have some great memories from

when they were young.

Ah, one time little Phil kicked the car out of gear, tore a hole right through

the dining room.

I guess I was thinking about those smaller moments, taking their first

teaching them how to read.

How many times can you read someone Horton hears a who and still respect

yourself?

What? What do you mean not good? What does that mean?

There's a problem.

What do you mean there's a problem? What kind of problem?

Look, a lot of men have this, Murphy. It's not unusual, and it's probably

temporary.

It's nothing to do with me as a man, per se, who has had many dates, several

relationships, and no complaints ever. Frank, just tell me what it is.

I have decreased motility.

What? I can't hear you.

I said I have decreased motility.

Decreased motility?

Why don't you take out an ad?

What is that, Frank? What is it?

Sperm or swimmers, Murphy, and I don't have a Mark Spitz in the bunch.

Oh, no, Frank.

It's probably not permanent. This kind of thing happens to a man when he...

under a lot of stress when he's been crossing a lot of time zones, messing up

his body clock.

What are we going to do?

There are two alternatives.

One is to wait a few months.

Maybe the situation will improve.

Maybe not.

The other is to proceed by doing it the regular way.

You mean have actual contact?

Sperm get inspired in their natural environment.

Oh, God. I know.

How much do we want to do this?

I keep thinking of taking little Anthony to his first ball game.

Frank, we can't have a child named little Anthony.

Murphy, would you stick to the subject?

Now, what are we going to do here?

I don't know.

I already bought her first pair of Italian shoes.

Little socks with rhinestones.

I think it's worth a try, but only if you do. I wouldn't pressure you. I think

it's worth it, too.

Okay.

We'll just be practical about this. We'll just commit to it.

We'll do it tonight.

My place or yours?

Yours. I didn't make my bed today.

Bed. I said bed. I'm sorry.

All right, we'll get through this. We will.

Now, I think it's important we go on about our day and just act natural.

No one will ever have to know but us.

Well, if it isn't Secretaria.

Can I get you something to drink? Did you have dinner? Oh, no, I'm fine.

Yeah, I grabbed a bite on the way over.

I had a roast beef sandwich.

Some lettuce, mustard.

Horseradish on the side. Of course you gotta have that.

Some coleslaw.

This is very awkward.

But you know, it's great. We can admit it's awkward.

Right. It's so much easier when you're not going through that horrible thing of

wondering if the other person is noticing it, too.

Yeah, I know. I hate that.

So, I guess we should get started, huh? I guess so.

Do you think we should kiss?

Why not?

If that's okay with you. Sure.

I was thinking we could hyphenate its last name. What? You know, Brown Fontana

or Fontana Brown. I hadn't really thought about it, but that's okay with

Good.

Religion. What? Well, we never discussed our beliefs specifically in terms of

raising a child. Where do you stand on Nietzsche?

Oh, Nietzsche. Now I'm hot.

Come on, Murph. What are you doing? Are you chickening out on me here?

Is that what you think? I'm not chickening out. I can do this.

Okay, let's go.

I'm sorry. Are you bleeding?

No, I don't think so. It was my fault. I didn't expect you to move.

Well... It

was nice.

You're just saying that. I can do better. I can't seem to relax my lips.

all look different. Are you going to talk during this whole thing? I know

women like to do that, but it's always bothered me.

Okay, let's go.

I've got an idea.

Let's turn on some music. We'll play it really loud, and then we can turn off

all the lights in the house so that it's really dark and we can't see anything.

That's worked for me before.

This is no good.

Okay, so it's tricky.

We knew that, but I think basically it's a good plan.

Murph, I hate to ask this, but do you have anything with black lace? I think

would help me.

Frank, you'll hate me forever.

But I can't go through with this.

Oh, don't do this to me, Murph. I'm ready.

Not this second, but... I mean, I'm ready for a kid.

I'm sorry, Frank.

It's just that there's this side of me that keeps coming out. I try to squelch

it, but it just doesn't work sometimes.

I have this image of me in a wedding dress, and there's bridesmaids and

girls. There's this... Great guy standing at the end of the aisle. This

frightening. Wait, it gets worse.

There's a harpist.

Oh, gee.

You know, it's not me. It'll never be me.

But maybe if I wait just a little while, there's still a chance I could have a

baby with someone I love.

Well, thanks.

Thanks a lot.

That's not what I meant.

Look, I didn't know this was going to happen, but you've got to admit you're a

little relieved.

Yeah, just a little.

You've got time. Yeah, I got a lot of time. Guys, you know, they can make

well into their 50s, 60s even. Maybe sometimes... Shut up, Frank.

You're great.

You'll never know.

It would have been some kid.

I agree with you there.

Hey, uh... What do you think it would have been like if we'd... You mean if

actually... You know, a kid's much better than that. Women tell me all the

It's not like... It never leaves this room.

Ever.