Original subtitles

you

Who parked their car in my space?

Well,

I guess it doesn't matter that I had to park three blocks away and trudge

through a blizzard to get to my lowly little job reporting world events to the

United States of America.

I guess it doesn't matter that I gave up the best years of my life working hard

so that I could have a parking space by the front door.

So that the owner of an 82 red Honda...

Bank license plate number 40928 could have the comfort of warm, dry shoes at

expense.

Be forewarned, you are no longer safe in this town.

Frank! Got your film from Beirut. Great job. Way to go.

Don't talk to me, Miles.

Pretty brutal there, huh?

Piece of cake compared to Dulles Airport at Christmas.

Some old lady body -checked me into the luggage carousel.

Claimed I was stealing her bag. Like, I really want a Paisley tote with I'm

Billy's Grandma embroidered on the side.

Morning, men.

Hope the coffee's hot. It's damn cold out there.

Last minute Christmas shopping, agent. I had a few people left on my list.

I got rather broke on Jennings the same thing.

I went crazy this year.

Got the four -speed model with the wall mount.

Good choice.

This one's for coffee.

for you, and this is where I find you hanging around the water cooler talking

about women. We were not talking about women.

No one is doing anything about the Christmas party this year. Not one

plan has been made.

So I've decided to take charge.

Now some committees are still open.

I've got to go shovel the sidewalk.

Miles, I want you to head the decorations committee.

Corky, I run this place.

Does it look like I have time to shop for crepe paper?

And just where is your Christmas spirit, Miles?

I'm not required to have any. I'm Jewish.

Oh, you are not.

Miles, it's all set. I just talked to the White House. I'm accompanying the

president on his trip to China. Oh, right. I knew you could pull it off. But

think I should make a preliminary trip on my own first. There's a few details

I'd like you to double check. I want to know right up front when I'll be able to

meet with him.

When I'll be able to meet with the... Can I help you? Are you Murphy Brown?

Really? Is this an old picture?

What do you want, an autograph? Then will you go away? Fine.

Miles, do you have a pen?

Oh, what is it now? You're collecting for something?

I'm telling you right now, I'm not going to give you any money unless you've got

ID. It's little frauds like you that hurt the kids who really... Oh, no.

Oh, come on.

This is a joke, right? First the parking space, and now this.

Dear Miss Brown, these are my three children, Joey, Michael, and Lily.

I love them very much, but I can no longer afford to keep them.

I watch you on television, and you seem like the kind of person who could give

my children the home they deserve.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Please understand, Murphy, I think this is for real. No, no, it can't be.

Listen, kids, this is important. Where is your mother? Where is she?

We don't know. She said you're a mother now.

You don't understand. I can't be your mother. I don't like kids. That's why I

don't have any.

Where do you live?

On Johnson Street.

That was before. On Franklin Street.

Well, that was the first house.

I can't remember the name.

It's a brown house.

Miles, I have to go to China. You're the boss. You handle this.

Me? What do I know about kids?

Hey, kid.

No, don't do that.

Okay. Get in a group.

Okay. Okay.

We're on a roll.

Murphy,

we just can't turn our backs on this.

I'm sure we can find some solution if we just put our heads together.

Hey!

Do not repeat.

Do not touch that rubber lobster. You can't play with it. It's mine.

Why did these things happen to me?

Hey, I've got an idea.

Do you kids know who Connie Chung is?

Okay, okay, okay. I know what to do here.

First, we call the police. They can start tracking down the mother. Right.

Then we call social services. They'll take care of the kids.

Yeah. This is what we pay our taxes for, right? I'll tell them who I am. They'll

come here, take the kids. By lunchtime, this will all be over.

No, don't put me on hold. I've been on hold all day.

Hello? Oh, God. If I have to listen to Victor Moan sing Silver Bells one more

time.

All right, now, here we go. Five -card draw. Now, who remembers what you do if

you get dealt two kings and an eight?

Draw two to the pair and hold the eight kicker. All right!

No, don't cut that. No, don't. Frank.

Uh, look, I'm Murphy Brown.

Brown. No, don't switch me to another department. I've been switched five

Okay, look what Auntie Corky's got.

Ice cream!

Yay!

Bless you, Corky.

This must be particularly hard on you, Murphy, having to watch them, knowing

that there's no one really special in your life, and you're probably not

ovulating anymore.

All right, now.

What's this I hear about a bunch of unruly tots tearing up my newsroom?

Hardly the kind of behavior that will get you anywhere in the world.

Now, gather around at that desk, and I'll tell you a story.

Now, what we got?

There.

All right.

Now.

It was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature

stirring.

Look, it's almost five o 'clock. I have to get some answers.

What do you mean tomorrow?

What am I going to do with these kids tonight?

Oh, well, that's just great.

Frank, you've got to help me out. Whoa, whoa. Look, Murph, I can't take them.

It's really a bad time for me. Why?

Well, I've been away from home for three weeks. My cat's probably dead. Kids

shouldn't see that.

Come on, Murph. Listen to me. Things could be a lot worse.

How?

They could have a dog.

All right. I see where I stand around here.

I guess I'll just have to deal with this alone.

I've gotten through worse. I'm an adult.

I've got the upper hand.

I mean, when you think about it, what is all this whining on 30 -something?

Get it over!

Okay, kids, get your coats on. You're coming home with me tonight.

This is really amazing.

I didn't know you had kids. They're not mine, Eldon. They were left on my

doorstep. You're kidding.

Do we have to live here? This is ugly. I hate it here.

I want to go home.

We want to go home. We want to go home. I feel like June Cleaver on acid.

Come on, kids. Stop crying.

Murphy has a really big headache.

Come on. Stop it. I'll give you cash. Tens and twenties. Boy, you're sad as

this. Hey, listen up. Hey, hey.

Hey. How would you all like to help?

Uncle Eldon, paint the house.

Yeah! Are you nuts? Come on, it's great therapy. Grab a brush. Eldon, you are

looking at a crazy person. I sat in my office today and watched a child bite

head off a smurf. There are sticky little fingerprints all over everything

own. They threw up in my car, and to top it all off, my house is still a

shambles. I can't take it, Eldon. I want it finished. I want it finished by

tomorrow, or I will take this roller and put it someplace that will hurt you. Is

that clear?

I think Mommy needs a nap.

I'm hungry.

Me too.

Me too. Well, you should have thought about that before you threw up.

We want dinner.

What's for dinner?

What, in this house?

How about a might -all sandwich?

Listen, how would you all like to go to a real fun restaurant?

Yeah! What restaurant, Eldon? What restaurant? Don't worry about it. You're

going to love it. Okay, coach, back on. Everybody. To other houses. House

painters go there. I don't want to go to a house painter post. Will you relax?

Look, I'll drive. We'll take my truck.

It doesn't have any seats.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, everybody, grab a bucket.

Come on.

Hello. Welcome to the Washington Crab House. I'm your waiter, Brad.

I know you. You're Murphy Brown.

Oh, this is exciting.

And good evening to you, Mr. Brown. He's not Mr. Brown.

Oh. Well, you have very lovely children, Ms. Brown.

They're not my children.

Anyway, here are your mallets.

And the specials are on the blackboard, and I'll be back to take your order in

just a few minutes.

They're going, Eldon. Now they're armed.

I see jello on the salad bar.

I always have to run every place. How do they do that?

You know, you could be just a little more tolerant.

All you do is criticize. If you keep on spoiling them, how am I supposed to

discipline them?

You are too controlling. They have to let off a little steam once in a while.

Well, that's easy for you to say. You're not the one stuck with them inside all

day. Just a second. Just a second. Didn't I take you to a restaurant

Oh, nice place. It sounds like Santa's workshop.

I work hard. You know, don't you think I deserve a place with tablecloths?

Hey, can you control your kids over there?

All right, quick. Enough. Stop it now. Quick.

Isn't that Murphy Brown?

And then I thought we should have some really elegant things.

Miniature crepes with shrimp fillings, stuffed mushroom caps, and pettifords.

I don't make... I like that stuff.

What?

It's weenie food.

I do hamburgers, chili, onion rings.

If you want, I'll throw in the pork rinds for free.

Great.

Miles, how are you doing on the decoration?

Oh, great, Corky. I canceled this week's broadcast so I'd have time to work on

my centerpieces.

The party is tonight, Miles.

I want this place transformed or somebody doesn't get a grab bag.

I don't mean to embarrass you in front of everyone, but I notice you're not

on any of the party committees. I'm not going to the Christmas party.

What? Why?

The memory of last year's party is still fresh in my mind. Perhaps you heard

about it. I drank all the punch and faxed my chest to the West Coast.

I don't think I'm ready to risk it.

Okay,

everybody, pay attention. Today we've got new rules.

You are not allowed to yell, scream, fight, or cry. You must remain seated in

this room at all times. In short, don't bother me or your brief careers as

children will be over, and I really mean it.

Murphy? Joey, I've told you. I don't know why Barney Rubble doesn't wear

I wasn't going to ask that.

I wanted to know, where are we going to sleep tonight?

I don't know, but a nice lady from social services is coming to pick you up

today, and she'll take care of it. It's Christmas Eve. How will Santa know where

to find us?

Santa? Oh, great.

This is how it starts.

First Santa, then the tooth fairy, then you grow up and invent the trickle -down

theory.

I'm going to do you a big favor and be the first adult who's ever been honest

with you. You don't have to worry about Santa, because there isn't.

Because he doesn't... Because I'll call him and tell him where you'll be.

You know Santa Claus?

Yeah, we met in a bar in Morocco. Now be quiet, I'm trying to concentrate.

Leslie, could you give this letter to Santa?

Kind of important.

Could you check that I spelled everything right?

Dear Santa, how are you?

Hope you don't have a cold anymore. Mom told us that's why you couldn't...

Come to our house last year.

Don't worry, we understand.

If you're feeling better, could you find our mother and tell her that we miss

her a lot?

You don't have to bring us anything, but maybe could you give something to

Murphy for taking care of us?

A pony would be nice.

We think she really needs one.

Thank you, Joey, Michael, and Lily.

I'll make sure that he gets this.

You know, I always wanted a pony.

Hello, Murphy Brown? Yes.

Francine O'Donnell from Social Services.

I've come to pick up the children.

Oh, right.

Well, here they are.

All three of them.

You ready to go, guys?

I guess so.

Okay, let's get our coats on.

It takes them a while to get their coats on.

And, um, I think you should know.

Joey walks in his sleep at night, so you should keep your ears open.

And Michael sounds like he's getting a cold.

And Lily would really like a pony for Christmas.

Wouldn't we all?

Okay, children, come along with me.

You can't take them yet. I just remembered something.

What?

Well, it's just that it's Christmas Eve.

If they go with you, how will Santa know where to find them?

Excuse me?

See, they've been moving around a lot lately, and Santa's memory isn't what it

used to be.

Just to be on the safe side, why don't they stay with me?

You sure?

I'm sure.

Speaking professionally, I think you made the right decision.

Okay, here's the plan.

First, we're going to make a call to Santa.

I haven't really talked to him since he forgot my pony last year, but this is no

time to hold grudges.

Then we're going to go shopping at that big toy store on M Street. What do you

say? Do we have to wear the robe?

I can't believe you broke the skateboard. We bought it 20 minutes ago.

Well, you try it in high heels.

I've never seen a tree this beautiful before.

I figured I should get you something for Christmas.

It was either this or a water pick.

Oh, and by the way, while you were out, somebody stopped by.

And he's in the kitchen right now having milk and cookies.

Gee, I wonder who that could be. I wasn't expecting anybody.

through the chimney, but Santa has a bad back.

You ever try to lift one of these things?

Santa, how do you get to everybody's house in one night?

Oh, it's easier than it used to be.

I got me a really souped -up sleigh, brought in a couple of elves from Japan,

took the thing right into the 80s.

But did you find our mommy yet?

Oh, well, I'm working on it there.

But don't you give up hope.

I know she'll turn up real soon.

Well, I gotta be going now.

Traffic's gonna be murder over the Atlantic.

You all have a merry Christmas now.

Thanks,

Bill. I owe you one.

A hundred bucks and we'll call it even.

Get on your PJs and then I'll tell you a bedtime story. Can we hear the one

about Haldeman and Ehrlichman again?

If you're good.

Whoops, I guess Santa must have forgotten something.

Miss Brown, I'm so sorry to barge in like this.

pretty German.

Actually, it wasn't that much. Thank you for being so nice.

I'll take them and go now. Now?

You and Mr. Brown must want to get on with your holiday plans.

Oh, well, we really didn't have any big plans.

Wait a minute. How are you going to take care of them?

As long as we're together, we'll find a way.

I'd like to help you out. No, please.

You've done too much already.

No, look, really, I do pretty well for myself.

Uh, I have an expense account. I write a lot of things off.

I don't really take Walter Cronkite to dinner every week.

At least I'm telling you more than you need to know.

Here.

This should tide you over for a while. No, I can't take that.

Lady, take the check.

Believe me, she doesn't do this very often.

I wish there was something I could do for you.

There is.

Promise you'll call whenever you need anything.

Okay, kid.

Let's go.

I'll send their new bedroom sets and the VCRs and the ice rink to Lily.

I know Santa brought the pony for me, but I think we could share it.

What do you say?

Oh, boy.

Goodbye.

Merry Christmas.

Well, so I guess my work here is done.

Yeah, I guess so.

It'll just take me a few minutes to get my things together.

Yeah, I got a rent set that's all over this place.

Although, Eldon, you know I've been noticing that the walls on my bedroom

use a little work. A little work? Who sold you that wallpaper, Robert Goulet?

Just tell me, how long is it going to take?

A couple days, tops.

I can live with that.

Great. Okay.

I move my scaffold back into the bedroom.

I got, um... Wait a minute.

It's Christmas Eve.

All of a sudden, I'm in the mood for a good party.

I know where I can find one.

You want to go with me?

Yeah, okay.

But if I get lucky, you're taking a bus home.

So, Corky, after all my hard work, I haven't heard one compliment on the

decorations.

Miles, has anybody ever told you you're a real schlamazel?

Hey, Murphy!

Hey,

I'd like to meet my friend, Ellen Bernanke.

Okay, everybody, Murphy showed up and she brought a friend. So let's all think

before we take that extra meatball.

This party up a little how about some real music coming right up