Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Hey, sir. Where are you headed?

I said, where are you headed, sir?

To catch a shuttle.

Oh, yeah? Where to?

Waterfront Plaza.

Waterfront Plaza, I'll get you half the time for $40.

- Forty? - Ha, ha. All right, 30.

- Yeah, okay. - Yeah? Hop in.

Man, oh, man.

This traffic's today is killing me.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Our whole airport is jammed up.

- Yeah. - Waterfront Plaza is nice.

Yeah.

It's a classy joint.

Really? This guy is gonna stop right there?

He's gonna unload the whole thing.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

- Oh, I'm sorry about this. - It's okay.

Long flight?

Long wait. Been at the airport for five hours.

That's a bummer.

No, it's okay. I like airports.

Good for people watching, you know.

Yeah, yeah, I do know, actually.

I'm always watching chicks around here.

You got that "juicy" written on their ass.

I'm talking about a different kind of people watching.

Yeah? What do you mean?

Human behavior.

The way people move...

Speak.

How to say goodbye.

Girl kisses a guy at the terminal.

She's in tears but he...

He's placid.

She keeps looking back as he walks away,

but he doesn't turn and look at her.

Not once.

You know he doesn't plan on seeing her again.

Ever.

Ha-ha-ha. Come on, man.

You can't know that kind of stuff.

I'm waiting at the gate at the year after 9/11.

Now, there's this guy wearing turban

and everyone's staring at him

because they think he's a terrorist.

So he gets smart, pulls out a book.

Harry Potter.

- No shit. - People relax.

His logic worked.

Terrorists?

They don't read Harry Potter.

- He wasn't a terrorist? - No.

But they did catch a terrorist at the airport that day.

And I had my eye on him from the very beginning.

Who was it?

The guy who said goodbye to the girl and never looked back.

Come on, that's a bullshit story.

Is that a true story?

As true as the Gospel.

Holy shit. That's a great story.

Come on! Every bag?

You gotta move every bag.

I'm Sammy, by the way.

- Greg. - Good to meet you, Greg.

Good to meet you.

- You didn't get any sleep, huh? - No.

A couple next to me won't stop yakking

for three hours straight.

- I could've strangled them. - Yeah.

I know what you're talking about.

I get passengers,

they're on their phone talking private stuffs.

Stuffs I shouldn't be hearing about.

You got people coming in, hookers and cocaine.

I'm telling you,

I've been doing the shit for 17 years driving the cabby.

You see some crazy, crazy shit.

Finally, thank God.

Good. Can I go now?

Any day!

Can you believe this?

- The whole thing... - Watch it!

Shit!

- You crazy? You didn't see her? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Are you okay? Are you all right?

- She jumped out of nowhere. - That was walking.

- Are you blind? - Are you okay?

Let me take you to the hospital.

No. What you need to do is to give your insurance information.

Let's not do that right now.

I'll be in trouble if I give you...

Why don't you just take the cab...

- No, no, no. - No, dude. It's your cab, man.

It's fine. Well, where are you guys going?

- Waterfront Plaza. - For real? Waterfront Plaza.

That's right around the corner from where we're going.

- Can you drop us at the hotel? - Can you give us a ride?

You don't want me to take you to a hospital?

- No, no. I'm fine. - Are you sure?

Yeah. If you can just drop us at the hotel.

Are you...? Are you okay with that?

Uh, yeah, sure. Sure.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Okay.

- Is she okay? - Yeah.

It doesn't hurt?

- How's your leg? - Huh, I'll be fine.

You lucky she didn't break nothing.

Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry about that.

I'm sorry I can't follow with the insurance.

I'm covering for my brother and if his boss finds out

then he'd sack him for sure, so...

Don't worry about it, man. I'm not gonna report you.

I'm Casper. You know, like the Friendly Ghost.

Friendly Ghost, in the spirit.

This wise ass is Billie. Billie the Kid.

- Greg. - Hello.

I like your style, Greg. Nice.

May I have my hand back?

Yours to keep.

You want cash?

- Hmm? - We're sharing a ride.

Uh, I can pay cash if you pay credit.

- Sure. It doesn't matter. - I just can't pay credit.

Every time I travel out of state, my card gets declined.

I think the bank thinks it's like fraud or something.

Identity theft.

Nobody wants your freaking identity.

Well, I heard on the radio

that identity theft is actually up and big time.

Hope nobody stole my credit card information.

Nobody stole nothing, man. You're just maxed out.

It's the fucking economy.

I don't wanna blame the economy.

The man is responsible for his own living.

Nobody's gonna hand it to you.

Well, that's true. No such thing as a free ride.

Oh, you said it.

Where are the best girls in town?

- Girls? - Yeah. Strip clubs.

Billie has never been to a strip club.

I want her to get some adult education.

Knock it off, man.

What? I think it's important to try it at least once.

I did and I don't wanna.

Now, well, a lap dance from a cellmate don't count.

I'm thinking of, you know, like a classy joint.

You know, like a nice, entry-level strip club.

Do you have any recommendations?

Boy, oh, boy, uh, there are strip clubs in the area.

But classy? I don't know about classy.

And what about you? You a fan?

- A fan? - Strip joints.

No.

I'm institutionalized.

Ha-ha-ha. "Institutionalized."

I like it. That's good. That's good.

Institutionalized. It sounds like a prison sentence.

You would know.

Whoa, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Well, your friend just said you got a lap dance in prison.

I didn't get a lap dance. And it was county jail.

The whole thing was bogus.

That is nothing to be ashamed of.

I think it's important to get a little roughed up by life.

Get some perspective. It's my philosophy.

Your philosophy sucks.

How come it smells like those, uh, little cheap,

you know, pine tree air-freshener things?

Jesus Christ, it's awful, right?

I keep telling Eddie, "You gotta get rid of that crap."

Eddie's my brother.

I'm covering for him with the cab today.

- That's Eddie? - Yeah. Hey. Ha, ha.

This is his cab.

Usually, I drive a sedan.

Eddie's getting laser eye surgery. Finally.

Getting in a cab with this guy is like a death wish.

Anyway, I gotta switch out this ID though

because I can't show them

from the cops, when driving a cab's a racket.

Some days, I wake up and wanna be in a new business.

Instead of being in this hot box all damn day, breaking my back.

This guy's cool, but as a general rule,

always make sure the cabby is the same in the picture.

That's true. Watch out for gypsy cabbies.

Someone unregistered cabs do all kinds of shit.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?

I know some drivers who pick up a tourist,

take him for half-an-hour drive and then gonna go four blocks.

Like a tour in the city.

Oh, better a tour in a city than a millionaire tour.

I don't know that.

Ever heard of the millionaire tour?

No.

- Ooh. - Ooh, that's bad.

Yeah?

Starts down at Mexico, Puerto Rico, Brazil.

They're doing that locally now.

Get to the juicy part.

Some guys hang out at the airport.

They wait for a cab driver to pick up

somebody that looks rich.

And so they pull a gun on Richie Rich

and they took him and the cabby for a ride.

They stop at every ATM on the way.

Make the guy to draw cash from credit cards, debit cards,

everything until he gets declined.

Squeezed the life out of the poor bastard.

Now, this guy's got no mercy, but they got time.

You hear about this thing?

Hmm? Yeah, I heard about things like that.

I know it's called the millionaire tour.

- Millionaire tour, yeah. - Huh.

And it's here in town?

- Yeah. - In the city?

Well, that's great. I thought you guys are from out of town.

We go back and forth for work.

We wouldn't have to travel so much

if the economy weren't fucked.

Oh, what is it with you and the fucking economy?

What did the economy ever do to you?

Nothing. That's the point right there.

Yeah, I get that shit.

Yeah, you know, I'm just tired of being pushed around,

working for the man.

And if I had my own cash, I wouldn't even be here.

I'd be my own boss. Like this guy.

This guy? What do you have against this guy?

What did he ever do to you, huh?

Nothing. I just feel like I know him.

Fancy suit, fancy watch.

The people got no respect for somebody

that doesn't make a lot of money.

You have no idea who I am and you talk too much.

Oh, yeah? So how much do you earn a year?

None of your fucking business.

Oh, that fucking much, huh?

Come on, man. He said, Waterfront Plaza.

You know what, ahem, forget about the plaza.

Get off here and, uh, drop me off.

- What? - I'm getting out.

I've had enough.

Come on, man. We're just talking.

Ah, he wants to get out. Let him.

- Am I getting off this exit? - Yes. Right here.

All right.

I stepped into the wrong cab.

Yeah, you sure did.

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

- Hands on the wheel. - Okay, take it easy.

- No stopping. - What are you doing?

What do you want from me?

I wanna get to know you a bit better.

Gregory Jane Newman,

426 Pine Drive Santa Rosa, California.

Ooh, thank God you got rid of that mustache, dude.

It's a little presumptuous of you

to give other people fashion advice, sexy.

Oh, that's you? That's disgusting.

She's right.

Take the money. If that's what you want, just take it.

Of, thank you. That's very generous of you, man.

Yeah, but he's generous with a gun in their face.

Hey, hands on the wheel or brains on the windshield.

- Your call. - All right.

- Count them. - Tss, nada. Fifty-two bucks.

And it's barely enough for the ride.

I guess we're gonna have to stop at an ATM.

Give me your cell phone.

- Give me your phone. - All right.

Hurry up. It's not a fucking game.

- Got his intention. - Thank you.

Like I said, we need to make a withdrawal from your account.

Your account.

Why are you doing this?

We will get to the why, we have a long ride ahead.

Now let's first focus on the how.

Here's what we're gonna do: go to an ATM

and you're gonna withdraw the maximum amount

from your credit and debit cards.

$400 at most ATMs.

You've got my wallet. You've got my cards.

Why do you need me?

Good question. The guy's smart.

You see, we don't want our faces to end up on Dateline

with those little ATM cameras.

We're not that photogenic.

Huh, speak for yourself, sexy.

Are you done? Can we get started?

Patience, little sister.

We didn't even tell Greg the most important part of the tour.

- Which part? - The getting shot part.

Oh, yeah. That's the part that people always fuck up.

Okay, so, Greg, listen. This is very, very important.

You try to run, we shoot you.

You try to make a scene, we shoot you.

You fuck around with all kinds of brilliant things...

We will shoot you.

It goes for you too.

You take hands off the steering wheel again,

you unfasten your seat belt,

you open your door without permission,

you will be scrubbing your blood off the dashboard.

- I promise you. - I got it.

You're not gonna call dispatch.

- No. - No?

- That's right. - Okay.

I don't know where I'm going.

Okay, turn a right, make a left

gonna pull up at the ATM around the corner.

Are we clear on how this works?

What can I do to make you not do this?

That's a good one. It's nice.

Four ATM withdrawals, $1600 and not getting shot,

priceless.

If you have any doubt that I will shoot you, Greg,

just try to run.

- Take this exit. - Okay.

Just pull over right here.

Okay, wait here.

Let's go.

Stretch your legs.

There's an ATM right there.

Make it snappy, I'll be waiting right here.

Like that. I like that.

Are you getting a statement? Let's go.

Let's go.

Yeah, excellent.

I'll take that.

Okay. Let's go.

Ah.

Let's put you in the back, make it nice and cozy.

Success. Okay, here we go.

Where are we going?

To the fucking end of the rainbow.

Just drive.

Quit being an asshole.

What's the long face for?

It's from recession to depression.

Told you the economy is going to hell.

We're all going to hell.

Sixteen hundred.

Are we done?

Done? Barely even started.

What are you gonna do when the cards hit their daily limit?

If I told you, it would ruin the surprise, wouldn't it?

Hey, man, what is that?

- What? This? - Yeah.

Oh, it's just some, you know, shit that he's into.

It's like, uh, what do you call it, tarot card.

No, I know that. But what does it mean?

- That one. - I don't know what it means.

It's a guy hanging upside-down.

That doesn't make any sense.

I mean, a guy hang by his foot upside-down,

it's, like, no way to die.

"No way to die." What's a good way to die?

- With a bang. - Pow, pow!

Get it over with.

Yeah, I think it's more like a symbol, you know, of death.

Oh, yeah? No, for sure.

You two morons. You have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, really, wise guy? Enlighten us.

Okay, I will.

It's not a symbol of death. It's a symbol of life.

It's a journey.

The guy's hanging upside-down.

All his possessions are falling out of his pockets.

He has to rid himself of all his possessions.

Only then can he be free, get clarity, see the light.

Luckily.

Some big words for a guy

who didn't even graduate high school.

Yeah, well, I learned it from a fortune teller.

She read me the cards.

- A fortune teller. - A gypsy from the Bronx.

- And she read your future. - Mm-hm.

Future ain't gonna read itself.

Okay, what did she say?

That is none of your business.

Come on, man, don't be like that. What did she say?

Pull in there and park.

Yeah, right here?

Yes, right here.

All right, here we go.

Why are we stopping here?

Going bowling.

Uh, seriously.

Ah, Greg needs to practice his pins.

- Okay, but this isn't... - Isn't what?

- Can we talk? - We're talking.

No, outside.

Oh, my God.

Thank you. And be good.

You gotta help me.

We said we don't do ATMs inside.

Oh, come on. This place is dead.

It will be over in two minutes.

It's too dangerous.

My God.

Two of us together, we can take him.

No, that's not gonna happen.

I can't. I can't do that.

I got a wife. I got a family.

Grow a pair of balls.

Grow a pair of brains.

It's too risky. I don't wanna do it.

You wanted in on my gig. You play by my rules.

You wanna be a man? Here's your initiation ceremony.

Join the fucking club.

Don't be stupid. If they kill me, they'll kill you too.

You're a witness.

Listen to me, okay?

Are you stupid or something?

The Roman said "Bring them back ASAP."

He doesn't even know we're giving them a millionaire tour.

The Roman doesn't need to know.

The Roman pays shit and I need to make a living.

You shouldn't care if we squeeze money out of this guy.

He's a dead man, anyway.

What? The Roman is gonna kill him?

I don't know.

Don't bullshit me, man.

What does it matter?

You need the money. Just do your fucking job.

Just give them the money.

Do whatever they ask. Don't be a hero.

If we just do what they say,

we might get out of here in one piece, okay?

Get out. Come on.

Hurry up.

All right, easy.

We're in and we're out. No talking to anybody.

Here for the Early Bird special?

Hell, no. Last time I do chili, I got STD.

Yeah, the chili is pretty nasty.

The buffalo wings come with a minor rash.

You can have that on the side.

Maybe next time.

What are you waiting for? Hurry up.

It's declined.

Try the other cards.

I'm a good judge of character.

You wave that gun around as much as you want.

You're not like him.

Don't act like you know me, okay?

You don't know me.

You're gonna keep letting him boss you around like that?

Serious, you don't have to take that from him.

And just shut up and hurry up, okay?

Let's go.

What are you stupid?

Clean up this mess or I'm gonna fire your ass.

Hey, don't talk to her like that.

It's rude and humiliating.

And who the fuck are you?

I'll stab you in the face. That's who the fuck I am.

You don't have to take that shit.

Fuck.

Casper!

Casper!

Fuck!

You think I'm bluffing?

Hey!

Next time, I'll shoot you in the face.

Get in the fucking car.

Get in! Goddamn it!

Why did you shoot him?

We have to get out of here.

I'm sorry. He stuck a gun to my head.

I don't have any choice, okay?

- You think you're tough? - We have to get out of here.

We should put you in a dress and send you to prom, Jenna.

Don't call me that.

What? You can't use your gun?

He gets away, the Roman drags us to hell.

I don't wanna shoot him.

I thought The Roman wants him alive.

So you let him run, you Barbie doll?

Fuck you. Just bring him back and get it over with.

We will bring him in when I feel like it.

And don't let him fool you.

That ain't no Greg from Santa Rosa.

That's Julius Jax.

He knows some stronger, smarter people than the both of us.

And before you know it, he'll take you on a ride too.

Get in the car.

Goddamn it. Go!

Washington West.

Washington West! Do you want an itinerary?

Fuck!

Wow!

- What the fuck! - What?

Where are the cards?

- I threw them away. - What? Where?

At the junkyard, when I was running.

- Shit! Turn around. - Don't turn around.

We're not gonna find them, you fucking Pollyanna.

That's the last time I'll take you on a job.

- Ugh! - Jesus Christ.

Shut up and drive!

Give me that.

You're an idiot. An idiot.

Goddamn it. I can't believe this.

What, do you want me to write you a check?

Do I look stupid?

Cash only. Cash is king.

You're gonna write yourself a check.

Hey, do you have anything to clean with here?

You talking to me?

Yes, taxi driver, I'm talking to you.

Do you have something to clean with?

- I think so. Hold on. - Kleenex, a napkin, serviette.

Yeah, hold on to this.

Hep, hep, hep, you can wait.

Clean your face.

Clean up.

And when you are all fresh and clean,

You're gonna cash a check.

We can run the check,

so if Greg doesn't need to employ his poor memory,

this should work out perfectly.

- Who needs some water? - Yeah, thanks.

- We can't. - What?

It's not safe.

You mean, you can't. I can. And Greg, for sure, can.

Greg, you wouldn't mind going to a local friendly supermarket?

- Fuck you. - That's the spirit.

Okay, make a left there and park.

Got a place where we can cash checks in the supermarket?

Mm-hm. And $1.99 bucket of chicken wings.

Oh, you look nice.

Right here. Right here.

Back in 5.

Here. Try not to lose it.

I'm gonna say I'm your brother, okay?

You're gonna tell them your bank's closed.

Write yourself a check for 5 thousand dollars, good?

Okay.

You don't seem okay. I know what you're thinking.

It's a supermarket, it's busy.

Lots of people, a guard.

You'll make a scene, I won't shoot you.

Wrong.

If you try to burn me in anyway

I'm gonna have to shoot my way out.

I'm not bluffing, I'm not going back to prison.

You get the first bullet, and our cabby here...

...gets the second one.

I'm going to shoot you.

All right, let's go.

Come on, pick up the pace.

Just go up there...

How do you do, sir?

Well, can't complain. You?

I can complain but I probably shouldn't.

Hmm.

I gotta say, honest living ain't much of a living.

Ha-ha-ha.

Come here more often if I get paid more often.

Yeah, I feel you.

Hi.

How are you doing today, uh, Rebecca?

You can call me Becky. I'm super, how about yourself?

Couldn't be better.

I get to spend quality time with my brother.

- From out of state. - Aww.

So how can I help you all today?

I, uh...

I wrote myself a check,

and I need to cash it.

I love how he's all suspicious when he talks about money.

Not even a smile, she's gonna think we're robbing the place.

So, five thousand,

that's the maximum amount that we could withdraw, right?

Yes, but we usually don't accept,

uh, checks for East South.

Yeah, um, unfortunately our bank is closed.

And, um, we're buying our mom a car for her birthday.

That is so sweet.

It was his idea. Yeah.

But, um, the dealership said

that we can get a 5 percent discount

on the, uh, down payment if we pay cash.

Can I see some Federal ID?

Gotta love those cash discounts.

- They're great. - Yeah, ha, ha.

Oh, serial killer.

You two don't look much like brothers.

Yeah, well, uh, he got the looks.

And that usually means you got the brains.

I've heard that before.

One moment, gentlemen.

Cheer up, it's only money.

You broke your own rule.

You're on camera.

Don't get cute.

Okay, good. The account was verified.

We can cash the check,

and the 2 percent fee comes up to 100 dollars.

Ooh, ouch.

Yeah, can I just take it off the total sum?

- Yeah, sure. - Okay.

- Thank you. - Uh-huh.

That's...

Forty nine hundred. With...

One, two, three...

Oh, it's okay. We can...

Just put it all together, we have to get to the dealership.

- Okay. - Mm-hm.

Would you like me to give you an envelope?

Sure. Yeah.

You never feel safe walking out with all that money, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

- Well, thank you very much. - You're welcome.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

No, thanks a million, Becky.

Ha, ha. Oh, and I almost forgot.

Would you like to make a small donation

to the Lifeline Foundation?

Every dollar you give goes to help somebody

with coronary heart disease.

- Yeah. - Minimum amount is 5 dollars.

What's the maximum amount?

There is no maximum, you can donate however much you like.

- Can I pay for it in cash? - Absolutely.

Okay.

Okay.

Five, six, okay.

All right, all right, all right.

- One thousand dollars. - Oh, God.

Here you go.

Ah, I am just totally

- Wow. - Generous.

That is so great. Thank you so much.

- You're welcome. - Great.

Thank you, Rebecca. Bye.

Wait a second.

Unh, sorry.

You can't forget that.

You're a good man, Greg.

I hope that your kindness returns to you.

Thank you, Becky.

Amen. All right, we're out of here.

- Have a wonderful evening. - Bye, Rebecca.

- Becky. - Ha, ha.

Uh, sorry, folks. We need to check your bags.

Hey, George. George.

They just donated a thousand dollars to charity.

One thousand dollars. Ha, ha.

Have a good day, folks.

- Okay, bye. - Bye.

Bye.

Okay, let's go, fuck face.

- How did it go? - Not good.

- He grabbed this? - Yeah.

I would have paid for it but I didn't have my credit card.

- Unh. - Easy does it.

All right, I think he gets the point.

- Hey! - Casper!

Woohoo.

- Are you not high enough? - Here we go.

Hey, sit down!

- Fuck. - What, are you gonna shoot me?

Shoot me!

You think we don't know who you are, you son of a bitch!

I got news for you, you're in for a long ride.

You have a one on one with the Roman, Mr. Julius Jacks.

Now behave!

Fucking...

Wait...

What are you talking about?

Unh. Who's...?

Who's Julius Jacks?

You think my name is Julius?

I'm not Julius, you made a mistake.

You got it.

Wait, I've never even heard of Julius.

- My name is Greg Newman. - Yeah, and I'm Cinderella.

The Roman is waiting for you. Remember the Roman?

He's a little pissed about the formula you stole from him.

- I never stole anything. - Yeah, except for these?

Thought we could get a million

before he sticks you in the ground.

But you had to get rid of the cards.

We cut the tour short,

Roman's looking forward to a little pruning.

Listen, listen to me.

You made a mistake, right?

You picked up the wrong guy. I don't know any Roman.

He saw you at the airport. He saw you get into this cab.

He made a mistake, because I'm not him.

- I told you he'd say that. - You did.

Yeah. You did, Julius.

Trust me, I met a lot of con man in my life

The stories I heard about you,

you get a hook and you take a check.

Hey, listen to this, I knew this guy in prison, okay?

He told me about how Julius carjacked...

I correct myself.

Legally impounded, right? Legally impounded?

- Legally impounded a Maybach. - Unbelievable.

Stole a half a million dollar car, that's Julius.

He can pass anything he wants, that's how good he is.

If he pretended to be a fire hydrant, dogs would piss on him.

I am telling you, you got the wrong guy.

This whole journey would be a lot easier if you just fess up.

You could reminisce about the Roman,

how you stole 4 million from him.

I don't know where I'm going. Am I...?

Stick to the 210, I'll tell you where to get off.

Think about it.

- Do you have any proof that...? - Oh, Jesus.

You want proof that you're Julius?

Don't waste your time,

he's lying through his pearly whites.

He's entertaining.

Do you wanna talk to her?

Talk to who?

Your wife.

We forgot to mention that we got her.

Must have slipped my mind or something.

Yeah, the Roman is keeping her for insurance.

Show's over. You can stop acting now.

I don't have a wife.

Oh, my God, here we go again.

This guy is unbelievable, he won't quit.

Uh, institutionalized.

Fucking idiot.

Consistency here is key.

A man has got to have some loyalty.

What kind of facy would sell his fucking wife.

- He'd sell his mother. - Okay, okay.

- Look, yes, I have a ring. - Mm-hm.

But I don't have a wife, and I can explain why.

The Roman has got to hear this.

Forget about the Roman. His wife has got to hear this.

She would love to know she doesn't exist.

Wait a second, this is gonna be fun.

It's ringing.

Where are you? What happened?

- You fucked up. - No, no, we didn't.

- He, uh, tried to escape. - Bloody amateurs.

You can't do a simple fucking job, two men with guns.

Just hang on, listen to me.

We're on our way. We'll be over in 20.

Good, I'll have some professionals work him.

Listen to this, he says he ain't Julius.

He's sat right next to me, he says he ain't Julius.

Of course he says he's not Julius.

He doesn't wanna die.

Listen to me, my name is Greg Newman.

You must have confused me with someone else.

I'm from Sta. Rosa, California...

Julius, seven years ago

you were Gary Larousse from Rhode Island.

Two years ago, when you swindled 12 million

out of the McElvaine fund, you were Frank J. Coolidge

from Albuquerque.

You didn't know we were...

No, no, I didn't know because I'm not him.

Save it, I was at the airport.

I saw you step into the taxi.

Eighty-two seventeen. Not very discreet.

Your shiny blue suit, your brown leather briefcase.

That's how we nailed you, you son of a bitch.

- I don't understand... - This guy is...

Wears a wedding ring, says he ain't got a wife.

What a dirtbag, ha, ha.

You won't have a wife very soon with this attitude.

- You hear me, you bastard? - She's not my wife.

- I don't have a wife. - Julius?

I don't know where I am.

I don't know who you are. My name is Greg.

And you have to tell them that you don't know me.

I'm somewhere...

Listen, lady, I don't know who you are,

you have to tell them I am not your husband.

That's not my husband.

I wanna talk to Julius.

Okay, Julius, nice try. See you in twenty.

Hey, Roman... He's gone.

Maybe, uh...

Maybe Greg looks like Julius, you ever think of that?

Maybe you talk too much.

Please, I swear, I am not your guy.

You know, a con man has got to keep his wedding vows.

- The ring I can explain. - Don't bother.

I'm curious.

I wanna see what he can come up with.

- You're wasting time. - I was lying.

Before, about the wife.

Oh, you were lying.

He was lying. All right, he's throwing me off.

I'm throwing me up.

You were lying about being Greg...?

Newman, Greg Newman. No, that is my real name.

Okay, I lost, you're lying.

I wear a ring for work.

- I'm a salesman. - Salesman, con man.

- Tomato, tomato. - It's the truth.

I sell to churches.

You have to put on an act when you sell to churches.

They wanna work with family men.

Christian, church-going, Bible quoting, married men.

To them, a single guy my age is either gay or a playboy.

Or a gay playboy,

which is a one-way ticket to hell by some of them.

They want to see that wedding ring.

Ha, ha. He's making it up as he goes along.

I have to wear the ring, it's an act.

- This whole thing is an act. - Okay, what do you sell?

Come on, give me a break. He sells bullshit.

- I'm humoring him. - He's humoring you.

What do you sell?

Holy water.

- Holy shit. - It's a real business, it's...

Genesis Holy Water from the River Jordan.

We bottle it in the Holy Land and ship it to Kentucky.

There's a huge market for it.

I do the legwork, I go to churches,

and I give them the sales pitch.

Okay, let's hear it.

You wanna hear the sales pitch?

Like your life depends on it.

I usually set up the meeting...

I don't wanna hear how you do it, I wanna hear the pitch.

- Pretend you're Greg Newman... - Patron saint of liars.

Like you're Greg Newman from Sta. Rosa.

- I am Greg Newman. - Okay, that's good.

- It's becoming more authentic... - I'm not feeling it.

Shut up.

All right, look, I'll...

Okay, I'll give you the short sales pitch but...

You know, I change it, it's different if you're Catholic.

- Or Baptist or Methodist... - Let's go Catholic.

Catholic.

Okay.

They say salesmanship is 99 percent perspiration

and 1 percent inspiration.

For me, it's the other way around.

Look, when it comes to sincere marketing

inspiration heal lost souls.

Thirsty souls.

You see, they quench their thirst

with the wrong substances.

They sell supplements for everything today,

but they still haven't cured deficiencies of spirit.

What folks need is vitamin water

of a much greater nature.

I submit to you what every Catholic family should have,

holy water in the home.

And it is the role of the Church to put it there.

Some people say the Church has fallen from grace.

No, sir. That's a lie.

They say there's a crisis of faith.

I say there's always been a crisis of faith.

There's too many forces working against the side of heaven.

Too much heresy is blocking the airwaves.

Good people are deeply lost in the realms of the unholy.

Forgive them for they know not what they do. No, sir.

That just won't cut it.

We can forgive them, but we cannot forgive ourselves

for not showing them the way.

They go with the flow, we have a different flow to offer.

And it is a mighty and holy river.

Genesis Holy Water from the River Jordan.

The Church had not only endorse it, but sell it.

Wholesale.

Believers will crossover to our side

as those who crossed the River Jordan

to hear the Lord preach and they were healed.

When the enemies of the Lord sought to capture him,

Jesus took refuge in the River Jordan.

Where John had first baptized him.

When all people were baptized, and Jesus was at prayer,

the skies opened and the Holy Spirit descended.

Luke.

Chapter 3.

Verse 21.

- Are you fucking serious? - He knows his lines.

- You got a Bible here, test it? - No.

So then you are the fool

who walketh in the darkness.

Book of Casper.

Chapter 3, verse 9.

It sounds good to me.

Of course it sounds good.

He's a con artist.

And he's brilliant at it, hat's off.

Nobody talks the talk like that unless they do it for a living.

Con artists do.

That's why he managed to steal 4 million from the Roman.

He can Jesus me till the Holy Cows come home.

I ain't buying it for a second.

I kind of wanna listen.

No, you don't wanna listen, you wanna believe,

because you feel guilty cause he's gonna die for his sins.

I just don't want him to die if he ain't Julius.

Yes, and Julius knows that, he's trying to make you believe.

I know how this whole thing works.

I got a friend, she's a phone sex operator.

She can make you believe anything.

You want it to be all hot and wet?

She's cumming.

You want to have sex with a Martian?

You can feel the little green antennas

crawling all over your skin.

And she can sell you holy water just like Julius Jacks here.

And you'll buy it, because you're a believer.

Idiot.

Everything I said is true.

You want a mock trial?

Okay, you got it.

Let's have a look.

Ooh, an apple.

Mm-hm. Where's your holy water, salesman?

Where are your samples? Your holy Bible?

Your brochures? Where are they?

- I don't have them on me. - Big fucking surprise.

If this guy is a holy water salesman, I'm the pope.

- Where's your stuff? - I'm not in town to sell.

You're in town

because you live in town with Mrs. Jacks.

Whom you'll send to the lions in a heartbeat, you Christian...

If you're from Sta. Rosa, why are you flying into town?

I have a meeting with Elmer Jonas.

He's a famous TV evangelist, you can look him up.

Yeah, I know that guy.

Is it on Channel 40 or something like the Salvation Network?

Take the Oak Valley exit.

Turn right and shut the fuck up!

Elmer Jonas, isn't that that guy

that said God has a special place in hell for gay people.

Yes, he's a bigot,

but he's also watched by 4 million Americans every Sunday.

And he's staying at the Waterfront...

So you're going for a business meeting

without your business materials, hmm.

I already met him and gave him a full pitch.

This is a follow-up.

So what if you run into his colleagues

and they are thirsty for your holy water, no samples?

Look, I met him in April,

my boss wanted him to endorse our water in his show.

- I spent the weekend with him. - So what's the meeting for?

It's...

I was meeting Elmer about something personal.

Take your time, think of something good.

I had his number in the cell phone that you broke.

We're getting to the Roman

and he doesn't wanna hear any bullshit story.

- Trust me. - It's a personal point.

I need money.

Four million from the Roman wasn't enough?

He can kill me.

I probably deserve everything that's coming to me.

Are you done? Finished?

Good, all good? Got it all out?

Bravo. Well done.

Come on, bravo. What a performance.

Best performance by a liar in a major motion picture.

There are con men in this world, and there are con artists,

and you my friend are da Vinci.

Flip the bitch, we're taking this guy to Hollywood.

He's an actor. Guy's an actor.

- I'm a sinner. - Finally, the confession.

Talk to me, Greg.

I was on my way to see Elmer.

He's rich, he's a millionaire, he's...

He's got his show and this ranch down south.

He invited me to spend the weekend.

Look, Elmer is the champion of family values.

His wife had gone to visit

a children's hospital that weekend.

I was lost.

Just like everybody else.

We had a late dinner.

When I returned to my room,

he put me up as far away from his room as possible.

So I couldn't hear.

Hear what?

There were other guests in the house.

Another man.

They spent the night together.

Oh.

Holy crap.

You're in town to blackmail Elmer Jonas?

No, no, I just thought that...

Maybe Elmer would give me money.

I would never breathe a word about it.

Come on, man, you came to blackmail the guy.

Nobody just hands that shit to you.

He had the blackmail me, give me a million edge.

Six years ago my mother was diagnosed

with congestive heart failure.

It was a nightmare.

We got her the best doctors.

Mm-hm, as in you and your wife?

We, as in me and my mom, with her money too.

I took her to a private hospital.

Private nurses around the clock,

I didn't give a damn about the money.

They said she would be out of there in six months.

It has been five years now.

It costs me $200,000 a year to keep her alive.

People say she's in pain.

She's old. Just pull the plug.

I know if I pull the plug I wouldn't be doing it for her,

I would be doing it for me.

So I can stop paying, so I can stop this nightmare.

I was well-off before.

I sold everything, I sold my house.

And the insurance company found a loophole.

They said she lied on the forms.

They are not paying a dime.

I was thinking I should just put her some place.

Some place where old people go to die.

That's the worst thing,

to let her go without taking responsibility.

Just stop the pain, stop the payments.

Just do nothing, go ahead.

I can't make the money fast enough.

I'm crumbling.

And you were stealing from this guy?

All the holy water in the world can't help my mother.

Can't even pay the bills.

I'm a hypocrite.

I take that crisis of faith

and I put it in an act like I have all the answers.

I tried to pray.

Nobody answered.

And when sin is at the door...

Yes, I would blackmail a man to keep my mother alive.

Even if it means that I'll burn in hell.

But I'm gonna see a lot of people down there.

Insurance companies that kill.

Bigot preachers that spread hate.

And people who drive other people to their death.

I hope there is a God without mercy.

And I pray...

I pray that Judgment Day is coming soon.

Hey, um, make a left here and, uh, turn right.

- No. - I know how to get there.

- Pull over. - We're already there.

Pull over.

- Here? - Yeah.

Get out of the car. I want to talk.

We'll talk when we get to the Roman.

We're not going to the Roman. Get out.

Hey, you're not the captain of this ship. I'll decide...

Get out.

Oh, my God. Girl's gonna give me a fucking hernia.

Stay here. Goddamn it.

- What? What is it now? - You got the wrong guy.

No, we did not. The Roman identified him at the airport.

No, something just doesn't feel right.

You know what it is?

You're a weak whiny little kitten

who wants to be a lion but ain't got balls to scratch.

I think we're gonna make it.

- She believes your story. - It's the truth.

I don't give a shit if you're Julius Jax

or if you're in town to blackmail him, it's working.

It's not working.

Listen, if we get to where they're taking us,

they're gonna kill me and kill you too, understand?

We have to get out of this now.

I'm not going anywhere.

There's no way a conman could come up with that shit.

I thought you were naive but you're just plain stupid.

He walk away from the Roman and get away with it?

Fuck the Roman. I never even wanted to work for him.

You talked me into it.

Oh, you needed the money, you little sissy.

You're a coward.

I'm a coward? Good.

You know what, you run for it,

make a dash, I don't give a shit.

I'm staying right here.

Sometimes it's best to just wait.

If we wait, we're dead.

He's telling the truth.

I thought he's Julius but he's a fuck out of luck

and I'm not gonna have his blood on my hands.

You're afraid of God?

If there's judgment coming, it's from the Roman,

and it's coming fast.

I'm not afraid of him.

...the fucking city.

I'm not gonna let you take him.

You're gonna stop me?

No. You're not gonna stop me.

Now, please.

With sugar on top.

Get in the fucking car. Now.

This girl is driving me...

- Hey. Hey, hey. - Hey.

Whoa, whoa, stop, stop.

- Dude, just hand on a second. - Now it's just you, huh?

Who's bluffing now?

Just, wait, I'm working for the Roman.

It's nothing to do with you.

I was working for the Roman.

Take a breath. Take a breath.

Stop, stop. Just take a breath.

Drop the gun.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

- Drop the fucking gun. - What are you doing? I got him.

I said drop the fucking gun.

Attaboy.

I was never with you. Never with you.

You understand me?

Yeah?

You're smarter than that, Julius.

You never trust a cabbie.

That's true, you know. You of all people.

You should know that every great con has it chill.

You think for a second that maybe the Roman

had one of his men drive the cab, huh, bozo?

For a second, I actually, the way you yawn,

I thought you didn't know.

- You thought I didn't? Ha, ha. - Ha, ha.

It's good. Now get in the cab.

Get in the fucking cab.

- Go. Get in the cab. - Get in the cab.

Oh. Holy shit.

Oh, shit. Billie.

Billie. Billie?

Billie. Oh, Billie.

- Don't move. - Oh, shit. Dude, she got shot.

He shot her.

- She's dead. - What do you want to do?

Down, down. Get down. Get down now.

- What do you want to do? - Down.

- You want to do him? - I'm gonna shoot him.

She wanted to let you go. You fucking asshole.

Do you want to get paid?

Do you want to get paid? Or you want to waste him?

- He's a dead man. - Yeah, yeah.

Bring him to the Roman, and he fucking whacks him.

It's all over. Forget about him. Get him in the cuffs.

Get him the fucking cab. Let's get him to the Roman now.

- I'm gonna take care of Billie. - Stay there.

Son of a bitch. Put your hands behind your back.

Put your hands behind your back.

Fucking... Get up, get up. Get up.

Get in the car. Get in the car.

Oh, Jesus. Oh.

It's all right.

God fucking damn it.

- Shit. - Listen, it will be okay.

- Billie... - It's fine.

- Don't worry about it. - Yeah, yeah.

Holy shit. Holy shit.

- Holy shit. - It's gonna be okay.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Let's make a left here

and then right on the Sherman Road, I think.

You'll see a warehouse. The last warehouse on the left.

- Yeah. - Where are you?

We're close. Uh, listen, there's a problem.

Um, Billie got shot and she's dead.

Listen carefully.

I'm not taking any chances.

I want you to bring Julius into the warehouse

in handcuffs with guns to his head.

If he tries to escape, shoot him.

His wife is here. I don't want him going crazy.

Oh. Goddamn it.

Didn't say nothing about Billie.

- He didn't ask about Billie. - He's an asshole.

She's like a brother to me, you know.

Shot in the street, it's the way to die.

There's no good way to die.

You know, every time I did the millionaire tour,

I would tell her how much money I earned.

And, uh, she was never interested.

Not because she was scared, she's just...

Didn't want to do it, you know. She's...

This one here?

- No, it's the next one. - Next one.

Casper, I don't know where I'm going. You need...

Casper. Come on.

Make a left. Make a left.

All right.

- Uh. - Oh, Jesus.

This warehouse here?

Just pull over right here.

Let the Roman know they're here.

They're here.

Yeah. The Roman is really pissed.

Thou I walk to the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for thou art with me...

That's nice.

Say a prayer.

Nobody is listening.

As I walk through the valley...

- Shut up. - I will fear no evil...

Shut up.

Who the hell is this?

Don't move.

Hey.

- Julius? - Yeah.

Wait, wait. Ugh.

How come you didn't kill me earlier?

Well, I need to know where the warehouse was.

Ugh, that's right.

You happen to know where my wife is?

No.

I don't know.

- Ugh. - That's a real shame.

Different time, different place. We could have worked together.

- Wait, I didn't mean... - Sshhh.

Thanks.

All right. Let's go.

Come on. Follow me.

Follow me.

Nola?

Nola?

- Nola? - Julius?

Julius.

Julius, I'm here.

I thought they were gonna kill me.

I thought they're gonna kill us both.

They almost did. Come on. Come on.

- Oh, my God. Are you okay? - Yeah.

They came into the house last night,

and asked me where you were

and I said that you went out of town

and they found this e-mail with me

with your flight reservation and...

- Sshhh. - They knew you were coming.

I thought... I thought they were gonna kill you.

Sshhh.

It's okay.

I'm gonna patch you up when we get home, okay?

You're safe. It's okay.

Who's that?

That's Greg Newman.

He's a salesman from Santa Rosa.

What is he doing here?

Well, he sort of help me save you.

Thank you.

- Is that Sammy? - No.

That's Eddie. Ugh.

Are you gonna let me go?

Okay. What happened?

I called home last night.

To tell you my flight is delayed.

You didn't pick up so I call your cell phone.

Ten times, nothing.

That's when I knew something happened.

So by the time I got to the airport,

I realized I was being cased.

I thought probably the Roman, but I wasn't sure.

I get outside and then there's this shifty looking cab driver

tries to solicit me for a ride, you know.

So I think, "You know what, what the hell."

I'll get in the cab. I'll go for a ride.

I get in, this guy's got the AC cranked.

The cab is like an ice box but he's sweating like a pig.

He pulls up alongside this two men, I expect them to jump in.

But they don't. They don't know what the hell is going on.

I don't understand. That's when it dawns on me.

Better safe than sorry.

I grab the cab driver on the neck.

Told him I got a gun on his back.

Keep your hands on the wheel. You're not working for Roman?

No, not all. What do you want?

Keep your hands on the wheel or you're a dead man.

Up here. Now make a move. Make a move.

Go ahead. Nice and easy.

- Where's my wife? - What? I don't know.

Don't lie to me. You lie to me, I will kill you.

I don't know, okay?

Tell me.

Two guys are supposed to get in the car.

I don't know where they are going to take you, all right?

God.

He swears he doesn't know.

If the Roman paid him to pick me up,

and two guys were gonna jump in the cab

and take me for a ride.

I asked him how he knew how I look like.

He told me the Roman identified me in the airport.

White guy. Dark hair.

Blue suit. Brown briefcase.

This is the spot. Right here. Park.

I'm gonna ask you one last time,

where are you gonna take me?

- I don't know. - You don't know?

- Where are you gonna take me? - I don't know.

- He didn't tell me. - Honestly, man.

So, basically, I learned

everything I needed to know from the driver.

You know, some cab drivers,

they're always talking, never shut up.

I had to act fast.

The Roman did see me get into the cab,

but his two guys hadn't.

Now if I switch places with the cabbie,

the Roman's boys would lead me right to you.

All I needed was a stand in for me.

Huh, sure, I mean, it's a long shot

but it's my only chance.

And you know what, I got lucky

because eventually I found our boy Greg.

The salesman from Santa Rosa.

Exactly.

Hey, sir, where are you headed?

What a day.

We're going for a ride.

- Do I have a choice? - No.

Get in. All right.

Let's go.

You know, I have to get a flight again tomorrow.

No, you're not.

I got a call from those folks in Arizona.

I have to go out there.

I'm sorry but I got to do it.

It's one last meeting and it's done.

It's never done.

I have to get rid of this truck.

What are you gonna do about Greg?

- We're going for a ride. - You can't.

You know that I have to.

Not this time.

You're going soft on me.

A little bit.

I'll be back in an hour.

Hey, Sammy.

You know we're all gonna die.

I know.

I know.

I'm talking about the situation with your mother.

Could I ask you to do something for me?

Would you give a message to my mother?

Just tell her...

That I never lost my faith.

Tell her I love her.

She was right.

That I never lost my faith.

I think I can do that for you.

Greg Newman from Santa Rosa.

I was raised by my mother.

"Raised."

Hell, she made me who I am.

With just the two of us.

Then things turned.

I had to cut her loose.

You see, Greg, we have a lot more in common

than just our taste in suits.

Listen to me very carefully.

I'm only gonna say this once.

And you need to remember it for the rest of your life.

I don't care how you lost your money or your credit cards,

how you got those bruises on your face

and the blood in your shirt.

Casper, Billie, the Roman. You never met them.

You never got in a cab.

You never went in a millionaire tour.

And you most certainly never ever met anyone

named Julius Jax.

- Okay. - I'm not finished.

I know your name. I know where you live.

And I most certainly know what you look like.

If cops come knocking on my door,

looking for Julius Jax,

Julius Jax is gonna come looking for you.

Do we understand each other?

- Yes. - That's good.

Turn around.

Turn around.

Give my best to your mother. Anonymously of course.

Thank you.

Don't forget your briefcase.

Hey, sir, where are you headed?

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull