Original subtitles

[?]

? It's a mad, mad world ?

? And guess who's gonna save it all? ?

? It's a dirty job ?

? But someone's gotta do it ?

? Yeah, we can do it ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

? Hey, hey! ?

? The fate of the free world ?

? Is in our hands ?

? We're the heroes of the land ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

[explosions]

[distant loon calling]

[?]

[announcer] It's the super polite adventures

of Super Team Canada!

[explosion]

Come on, guys.

I know we're all tired, but we're nowhere near ready.

Do you understand how strong our competition is?

Chill out, kid.

It's a stupid video for your uncle's marriage proposal,

not Canada's Got Walk-Shovelling Talent.

Ooh, did you see that one

where the lady de-iced an entire street

with a spatula while jumping rope?

[Sask grunting]

[turning music on] Five, six, seven, eight.

- [alert sounding] - Yes, thank heavens!

Good afternoon, team.

I hope I'm not disturbing you?

[all] No!

[Chinook] Yes.

[PM] I've got big news!

Super Team Canada is the first recipient

of the Universal Heroes Of Humanity Award.

Yes!

They're throwing a dinner

to recognize your incredible success

as Earth's heroes.

Wow, very cool! When is it?

Tomorrow night in New York!

This is a huge moment for Canada.

Looks like we finally made it to the big leagues,

and this time,

I didn't even have to stow away inside a Zamboni.

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

robots and sasquatches,

welcome to the Universal Heroes Of Humanity show,

the night where we honour the real heroes,

and not those overpaid teachers and nurses.

And now, get ready to be turned out

by tonight's MC,

the star of Canada's number six female-centric curling show,

Sweeping Beauty,

Cheryl Kincaid!

- [mic feedback] - Good evening, everybody,

and thank you for that incredible welcome,

but all I ask is that you treat me

like any other regionally famous star of a show

about feelings and icy rocks with handles.

Thank you all for coming

to celebrate this year's winners,

Super Team Canada.

[cheering]

Before we present tonight's award,

let's look back

on the incredible feats Super Team Canada accomplished

this past year.

Hit the lights, [bleep]!

[stirring music plays]

[sniffling]

[audience cheering]

[coughing]

Ladies and gentlemen, Super Team Canada.

Thank you so much.

You know, when we started this season,

we were a little rusty,

but, uh, we kept our heads down,

and, uh, took 'er one shift at a time,

and, you know, just stuck to our game plan.

Everybody bought into the system,

and, boy, it paid off.

What else is there to say, you know?

There are five other people on this team

that may have a few things.

Really? Okay.

Well, whoever they are,

I'm gonna be pretty tough to beat.

[man] We have something to say.

[crashing]

Yes, us... waiters.

Or are we?

Surprise, numb-nuts!

Wait, uh, I actually am a waiter.

Impossible! We defeated you all!

You're ruining our big night!

And you never brought me the bread I asked for!

You foiled us once,

but after you put us together in the same jail,

we devised an escape plan

only our combined genius could come up with.

We called in a locksmith with a fake credit card number

and gave him a fake review on Yelp!

And we're here on your big night

to make sure it's your worst, uh, night.

Because we are Villain Force 10!

[screaming]

We went over this. There's only four of us.

It's called "rounding up," nitwit.

They didn't call it "Ocean's Seven."

Uh, I thought we were going with

"The Ill Dill Gherkin Gang."

What happened to

"The Unofficial Bryan Adams Fan Club"?

[all arguing]

The only thing you idiots should call yourselves

are idiots,

because you idiots are going right back to jail, idiots.

Super Team Canada, attaquez-vous!

Why aren't they moving?

They must be scared stiff.

Correction, the only stiffs are you,

in four, three...

two, one!

[gasping]

[Chinook] I...

[groaning] I can't move.

What... what's happening?

You've been poisoned is what's happening, dumb-dumbs!

Because when we were waiters,

we slipped hallucinogenic toxins in your food!

And even more delicious,

we gave you a huge clue

something was wrong with these awards,

but you were too arrogant to notice.

The UHOHs?

I mean, seriously, girlfriend.

[PM] You fiends!

What have you done?

We've completed our revenge,

and things are about to get worse.

Tori Spelling is gonna sing the Bible?

Oh, like that's not terrifying to you?

[Pickle Pus] Because you locked us away

in a dark, scary place,

we are sending you to your own dark, scary place.

The poison triggers

each of your own deep and secret internal terrors,

the way Earth and the galaxy are about to feel

under our still-to-be-named group's iron grip!

You won't get away with this!

We have beaten you before,

and we will do it, uh, again!

[groaning]

[groans]

[groaning]

[groans]

[groaning]

[groaning]

Quoi?

[laughter] Vive le penis libre!

Ah, no, please!

If we separate, we both lose!

[crotch] Uh, we've grown apart.

It's like we're speaking different language.

[gasping]

[panting]

Adieu, Poutine!

No, no! Aah!

[laughter]

If anyone ask, it didn't break up with me.

I broke up with it!

[cackling laughter]

[gasping] Water.

Need water. [gasping]

So thirsty.

[bird calling]

Ugh, no!

Ugh, once a loser, always a loser.

Redgwell? My high school teacher nemesis?

Yeah. Looks like

you're also thirsty for some internet attention

wearing that outfit.

p.s., the water's like you...

unable to be tolerated by humans, loser.

Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser!

[cackling laughter]

[mechanical wolf whistle]

Now, that's a female box.

[gasping] A blender?

And a European one.

I am.

And I think you and I would blend together nicely.

Oh, I love you, Blender.

After all this time,

I've found my missing component: love.

[moaning happily]

Ooh. Tickles.

[Blender] Wanna get in the shower

and make a smoothie? [chuckling]

[phone ringing]

[gasping] Huh?

Oh!

[siren wailing]

[RCM-PC] She's here?

This is not how we wanted you to find out.

I hope it doesn't hurt your feelings...

feelings... feelings... feelings...

[RCM-PC] No, no, no!

Feelings... feelings... feelings...

[cackling laughter]

[grunting]

[chortling]

Uh!

Ooh...

[clearing throat] Testing, testing.

I can talk! I can finally talk!

Look out, world!

Now batting for the Toronto Blue Jays,

Sasquatchewan!

And the Emmy goes to... Mr. Dress-Up.

Get to the chopper!

Where is everyone?

This is the greatest day of my life!

What's happening?

What's going on?

Hello?

Hola?

Bonjour?

"Only person on Earth"?

This is a nightmare, a catastrophe,

perhaps even a calamity!

[cackling laughter]

Five, four, three, two, one.

Yes!

The game is over!

The Leafs finally win the Stanley Cup

156 to 0!

The Leafs win! The Leafs win!

Mommy, they did it! Toronto won!

Your new daddies just told me.

[chuckling]

The Leafs won, and they're all my new daddies?

This is the greatest day of my life!

Wait, this is just a dream?

This is the worst day of my life!

[cackling laughter]

[dance music playing]

I'm out of the old folks' home with the other heroes

and at a school dance!

I don't know what those bad guys were thinking.

[?]

[crash]

[roaring]

[Chinook] Oh, now I get it.

And my phone is out there!

Hashtag: "no"!

[cackling laughter]

[Ted Zorg Sr] Ha! That's right!

It is crying time.

Super Team Canada just faced their worst fears.

Oh yeah, there's also one more thing.

The poison wasn't just a hallucinogenic,

it was also poison!

The world's only heroes are dead!

[cackling]

[Adams Bryan] And that is that.

Super Team Canada is dead,

and now there is no one left to stop us!

But this is an award show.

Roll the clip!

[?]

[audience] Aww.

[applause]

Don't clap for each one.

Just clap at the end! Geez.

[announcer] Is this the end of Super Team Canada?

Will the still-to-be- officially-named bad guys

take control of the planet?

Can I write off my new pontoon boat

as a business expense

if I use it for monkey business?

Stay tuned for part two

of the season finale of Super Team Canada.

? It's a mad, mad world ?

? And guess who's gonna save it all? ?

? It's a dirty job ?

? But someone's gotta do it ?

? Yeah, we can do it ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

? Hey, hey! ?

? The fate of the free world ?

? Is in our hands ?

? We're the heroes of the land ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

[explosions]

[distant loon calling]

[announcer] When we last saw our heroes...

...they were dead!

[crowd] Oh! Super Team Canada!

Ah, this is supposed to be a fun evening,

at least for us villains,

but all you terrified world leaders

are a real buzzkill.

Oh...

speaking of killing,

I'd like to bring out our next guest,

a glork bomb!

[villains] Oh, that sounds nice.

The bomb's here promoting its next gig,

a big explosion!

Destroying most of Earth

and giving me and my fellow villains sweet revenge.

Now, like all award shows,

this planet's gone on too long,

so let's put a clock on things.

[cackling and coughing]

Why are we just waiting around?

If they kill everyone, that might include us!

They can't kill us. We're dead.

That means the villains won and we lost.

Yes, but on the bright side, we can see through each other.

Someone isn't wearing underwear.

[Sask gasping]

[all gasping]

Our souls are going to Heaven!

This is bull crap!

Even if we're dead,

we need to stay and save the world.

Well, then, let's hurry and reserve some seats.

After that bomb goes off,

Heaven is gonna get pretty crowded.

[clerk] It's about time.

Wait, I know you.

You were in my office when we were all alive.

Then I got in a car accident.

Then I shot myself

'cause a funeral was less than the insurance deductible.

Please have a seat while I do your paperwork.

Earth is in trouble!

We need to talk to somebody capable.

We don't have time for your [bleep]!

Actually, you have nothing but time,

so while you wait, maybe try our Instagram wall.

[humming and taking photo]

[grunting]

[clerk] That's not very heavenly behaviour.

[music playing]

Whoa, this place is sexier than I imagined.

[wing slapping]

Ugh.

[Amazing Man] Hold it, a-holes!

Amazing Man?

And the whole Righteousness Club!

Woo-hoo!

[Niagara] This is really cool.

I feel like I died and went to...

Ah, we might be in the same Heaven,

but you guys are nothing but wannabe superheroes.

The world wouldn't even wipe its butt with you

if we were still alive.

Well, joke's on you, 'cause worlds don't have butts.

Go ahead, take a shot.

I can add a little more force than you can ever imagine.

I doubt that.

I can imagine pretty well.

Hey! Let me at him!

Oh yeah, that's right, go with your orang-a-nanny.

Aah!

[crashing]

[Sask] Uh-oh.

[Chinook] They're dead again.

Murder's probably against the rules here, right?

[grunting]

Aah!

[announcer] Meanwhile, back at the UHOHs...

Now, after the bomb destroys most of Earth,

where should we live?

How about the ocean?

It works for me.

Let's save the Netherlands.

It's flat, so the biking riding is easy!

Aah!

[crashing]

[groaning] Oh, my God!

[lost souls screaming]

Tabarnak! Now we're in Hell.

And pourquoi? Because we "killed people"?

[clerk] I've been in Hell since I met you.

Your vandalism got me demoted.

Anyway, Satan wants to see you.

Hey, clowns. Anyone thirsty?

I got a ton of this motor oil

they packaged to look like baby formula.

Yeah, any product

that makes infants crap out 10w/30 for a week

ends up down here.

Anyway, when I heard you guys killed people in Heaven,

I was like, "Those are my kind of people."

I set you up in the VIP area.

No need to thank me.

[Chinook] Sounds great, and we'd love to stay,

but we have a bomb to deal with.

And if we don't take care of it,

a lot of people are gonna die.

But, you know, after we kill the villains behind it,

they'll be coming straight here.

Oh, and those guys aren't just bad,

they're like the worst of the worst,

like, like the Nickelback of villains.

Really? You promise? Hoof swear?

Uh, d'accord. But to do so, we need to go back to Earth,

so let's haggle!

Okay, I send you back to Earth,

you kill the villains

and throw in Bill Cosby. Deal?

[RCM-PC] You got a deal!

A literal deal with the devil.

Can you check off stuff from your bucket list

even if you're already dead?

[beeping]

[announcer] But then things got really weird.

[elevator dinging]

[RCM-PC] This isn't Earth.

Edmonton, maybe, but nowhere on Earth.

[rumbling]

How's it goin', eh?

I'm Canadian Satan, but I go by Stan.

We don't put on airs here, eh?

[RCM-PC] A Canadian Satan?

Does that mean there's also a Canadian God?

Yup. And he's right here. [chortling]

Welcome to Canadian Hell.

It's also where non-alcoholic beer ends up.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you a favour, hoser to hoser.

Would you guys mind, like, killing Satan?

[spitting]

I may be non-drunk,

but do you mean Satan-Satan?

Like American Satan?

Yeah. I wanted to kill him so I can get his job.

Pays American money, eh?

If you do, I'll make you alive again.

If you don't, you're stuck here forever,

like the guy that created the Calgary Flames mascot.

Anyway, take off, eh?

That means go. [snapping]

Aah!

[sighing] All right, who votes for Aruba?

Not me!

How about no-ruba?

We can't just sit here and let evil win.

We should do a Die Hard.

It's an American movie.

Or we do a Jesus of Montreal...

Canadian film, I think.

I never saw it.

[elevator dinging]

Super Team Canada, you're alive!

Aah! [crash]

No, we're not.

That's the problem.

We missed you guys! Whoa!

But not being us may be our answer.

We can kill the villains and save Earth,

but to do so,

we need to inhabit living bodies,

your bodies.

With your bodies,

we can use our powers and smoke those jerks!

It's very nice you want to be in our bodies.

I mean, the hairy one makes my Gestulk shniverglatz.

[grunting]

Wait, if something happen to our bodies, we die.

I'm out! I plan to die on the toilet.

It's a family tradition.

Shame on you!

They gave their lives for this planet.

And if we don't help, we're gonna die anyway.

I'll do it! Take me! [crash]

I'm in. Annex me.

[grunting]

How about we move to Portugal?

They say it's the Mexico of Europe.

[Poutine] Maybe we can help by absolutely not helping.

And yes, I always talk like this.

[Chinook] Me too.

I have a serious helium addiction.

Something's fishy, and I know fish!

Haah!

Aah!

Uh, it's a trick, like reverse mortgages!

Destroy them!

[Niagara] Super-dead Team Canada,

let's do this!

[Sask grunting]

Aah!

Booyah!

Aah!

[crash]

Waah!

Aah!

[groaning]

[Poutine] Merde.

We failed, just like that STD test.

[Niagara] Guys, I know this looks bad, really bad,

but I know how to stop them.

We can be them!

[groaning]

Okay, even my doctor doesn't go in there!

And I ask.

Untie us before we are exploded!

[Chinook] Relax, fraulein!

I'm trying to figure out how to work eight arms

and a body that smells like fishy vinegar.

Haah!

[all groaning]

[Chinook] Anyway, throwing the bomb now!

Whaa!

[Niagara] Everyone, leave your loser skins!

Oh, flurp!

You see, that's how us aliens say-

[crash]

[PM] Yes!

Super Team Canada did it!

Okay, great, but the bomb!

[ticking]

Don't worry, some actual superheroes are here,

and forget the bomb,

we are here for revenge on the real villains,

Super Team Canada.

Sask, he said he could handle force.

Let's see how much.

[grunting]

[smashing]

Amazing Man was right.

He could absorb a lot of force.

That explosion had to go somewhere.

Remember the oil that looked like baby formula,

that non-alcoholic beer?

If they went to Hell for being bad,

maybe the explosion did too

for killing the Righteousness Club!

Oh, it did.

There I was torturing some guy

who didn't drive as soon as the traffic light turned green,

and ka-pow! I'm dead!

Uh, so why are you ascending?

Uh, I was mean to some bad people,

so I guess I'm a good guy?

Ah, someone really needs to explain these rules.

Whoa! Whoa! Ah!

It was just like my mom said:

buy a vacuum and wait for your chance.

Smart lady.

Mean bingo player.

Okay, we did it.

We killed Satan.

Now, hold up your end of the deal.

Oh, for sure.

If I didn't, who would ever trust Satan again?

You are back alive!

[gasping]

Now I gotta go figure out

which of Satan's keys does what. [snapping]

Super Team Canada, you've done it again,

after briefly not doing it at all.

Ignoring that, thank you!

Nice job, team us.

Agreed.

When we work together, good things happen.

Eh, I liked how I summed things up better.

Shorter, good words.

Ugh!

- [alert sounding] - Uh-oh, this is serious.

Some stranger picked up my drycleaning by mistake.

So if you're not busy...

Eh, what else do we have to do?

[announcer] And so our heroes are off to their next adventure,

to fight injustice wherever it may lurk,

defeat evil, also wherever it may lurk.

Basically, they're going places where bad stuff lurks

because they are...

Super Team Canada!

[Poutine] Why would someone leave a logo there?

See you all in season...

[explosion]

[?]

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