Original subtitles

[?]

? It's a mad, mad world ?

? And guess who's gonna save it all? ?

? It's a dirty job ?

? But someone's gotta do it ?

? Yeah, we can do it ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

? Hey, hey! ?

? The fate of the free world ?

? Is in our hands ?

? We're the heroes of the land ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

[explosion]

[distant loon call]

[?]

[Prime Minister] I called you in

because something on TV really upset me.

[TV announcer] Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

The biggest global entertainment competition ever!

It's "Earth Has Talent"!

[TV show host] Speaking of talent!

Talent from... [yawning]

[snoring]

every country will compete,

and only the most entertaining act will win.

The others

don't.

[announcer] Will the winner be the martial artists

who can break their wrists

on six boards? - [crunching] H'yah!

Or the Irish phenom

that can scramble a puzzle cube

in just three seconds? - Whoo-hoo!

Which country will prevail?

Are the judges dogs?

You bet they are! - [explosion]

The world is watching,

and the stakes have never been more televised!

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

[explosion]

Interesting. What day of the week is that happening?

[sighing]

And why is that lady so sleepy?

She sure isn't exhausted from inviting us.

Every country was asked to compete

except Canada,

and I learned about it

in the most humiliating way.

[?]

[raucous laughter]

Hey, guys, time to get our nibbles on, am I right?

Could you 'scuse over?

Nein!

Seat's saved for a country

invited to "Earth Has Talent."

[all laughing]

I'm telling!

[crying]

Who cares that we weren't invited?

It's a stupid made-for-TV contest,

just like the US elections.

I care!

I'm tired of being excluded,

me and Canada.

It's mean, and it's wrong!

Very wrong! [sobbing]

Okay, fine.

We'll see what we can do,

but first we need to look into some noises

behind our fridge.

It sounds like the time RC had hiccups.

[RCM-PC] I don't do well with soda.

[action music sting]

[Sask grunting]

Grasshoppers! Here to hop our grass!

[Niagara Falls] I don't think they're grasshoppers,

but there is a way to check.

RCM-PC...

tell a bad joke.

[dial-up connection screeching]

[RCM-PC] Don't use beef stew as your password.

It's not stroganoff.

[crickets chirping]

[Chinook] They're crickets.

[chirping]

Nature's trolls.

We'll kill them all after this idiotic talent show.

It'll give us something to look forward to.

How do we get Canada in that show?

Problem is we need to be entertaining.

[snapping fingers] I think I have an idea.

[?]

[Poutine groaning]

I think I have an idea!

- [metal screeching] - [RCM-PC wincing in pain]

Ooh! Ah!

I think I have an idea.

Ah!

I think I have an idea.

We make Niagara think of something.

[sighing] Well, I do have one idea.

Breakaway, you gorgeous bastard,

you've done it again.

[melancholy music playing]

[autotuned singing] ? Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo ?

[Sask moaning]

? Oh yeah ?

? You got me ?

? Twisted like a fiddlehead ?

? I'm spinning ?

? Like that Quebec City restaurant ?

? The one that spins ?

[singing grunts]

? Love makes you sick ?

? Like Sask and his rabies ?

? Love should be thick ?

? But with you it's dark like gravy ?

[together] ? Without you I'm blue as a berry ?

? Lonely as a hill on a prairie ?

? Oh... ?

? I'm sad, sad, sad ?

[key change] ? Without you ?

? I'm blue as a berry ?

? Lonely as a hill on a prairie ?

? Oh... ?

? I'm sad, sad, sad ?

? Me minus you equals sad ?

? Oh... ?

? Me minus you equals sad ?

[Breakaway] Did I mention I'm sad?

Super sad.

[crowd cheering]

[dogs barking]

Canada!

It takes a big entertainment icon

to admit when she's wrong, but...

[yawning] ...I was.

The dogs have...

[howling]

...spoken!

And speaking of speaking,

Canada wins!

[crowd cheering]

Yes!

The Stanley Cup of this thing!

[all laughing and cheering]

[crowd cheering]

[snoring]

[spluttering] Uh...

Lunch is great,

but is there any prize money?

I want to buy a car,

and some of my people's land back.

Speaking of money,

there is none. [yawning]

"Earth Has Talent" is about national pride, and-

[snoring]

uh, how entertainment transcends borders,

and those dumb time zones.

That sounds amazing,

but so does money.

We can spend it on stuff.

Hookers!

A-and, uh, charitable causes.

Speaking of amazing sounds,

your song is impossible to turn off, genuinely.

Now, I suppose I could go endlessly back and forth

until you Backstreet Boobs

discover what I'm really up to...

[yawning] ...but I'm busy,

so let me just tell you, okay?

I've already hacked into every ringtone,

video doorbell,

and speaker around the world.

People can't stop listening to it,

even if they wanted to,

and the song isn't just catchy...

[prison alarms blaring]

...it also appeals to dogs!

That's why I made them judges.

Right. Makes perfect sense.

Dogs are obedient.

They do exactly what the subliminal messages

I added to the song say.

[playing backwards] Steal the watches...

Steal the watches.

You want dogs to... steal watches?

That also makes perfect sense.

Not just watches. Clocks too.

Dogs don't know the difference.

They're dogs!

- [dogs barking] - ? Without you ?

? I'm blue as a berry... ?

You see?

No watches and no clocks

means no ways to tell time!

What about phones?

Or computer?

Or sundials?

Or that potato clock I made in science fair?

Sometimes perfect is the enemy of good enough.

Speaking of enemies,

this is all my genius plan

to kill my enemy,

Daylight Savings Time!

All this because you hate Daylight Savings Time?

[scoffing] Seems excessive.

Daylight Savings throws my sleep off!

I'm always...

[yawning] ...tired,

and my eye get dry!

That's why I have to consistently wear

this warm compress!

You probably didn't even notice.

We totally noticed.

How could we not?

[RCM-PC] You could move to Saskatchewan.

They don't have Daylight Savings.

I don't want to move to Saskatchewan!

No one does!

[Sask groaning in protest]

Saskatoon's okay, with the bridges and stuff?

Anyway, your plan ends now,

because we are gonna stop you.

Sorry, I don't have time for this.

[door sliding open]

[air rushing]

[screaming]

Handsome to the rescue!

[shouting]

[grumbling] I always forget to hold the food.

[news report music playing]

Thanks to Super Team Can't-ada,

I don't have a watch.

Now how can I take his pulse?

He could die.

[heart monitor flatlining]

And now he did die.

Time of death is...

Ugh, I did it again.

Let's stop that crazy woman!

[chortling] And, yes, I know that's redundant.

[sighing] It's all because of our song!

[grumbling] God!

Why are we so goddamn talented?

[flipping switch]

["Sad, Sad, Sad" playing]

[autotuned singing] ? Boo-hoo-hoo... ?

[barking]

[roaring]

[growling]

[crickets chirping]

Even crickets love it...

ew, in kind of a horny way.

[RCM-PC] Our recording must have include

the cricket mating call.

My mating call is usually a late-night text

saying, "You done being pregnant?"

- [growling] - [cricket chirping]

[dog whining]

[gasping] He let go!

[cricket chirping]

Qu'est-ce que what?

[RCM-PC gasping] The crickets' chirping

must have neutralized the song's effect.

That's it, then!

Horny crickets are the answer.

Exactly what I was gonna say.

It was? Okay, well, then,

why don't you tell us the rest of your plan?

Oh, well, I, um...

I guess, uh, dropping crickets all over the world

to jam up every speaker.

And what eats crickets?

Parrots! Plus, they talk,

so we could train the parrots to speak backwards,

and when they fly out of the speakers full of crickets,

they'll squawk out a new subliminal message

that'll make the dogs return everything they took.

So, problem solved.

That is actually exactly what I was gonna say.

Don't bring a dumbbell to a dolt fight.

? Without you I'm blue as a berry... ?

[crickets chirping]

[squawking] Sechtaw eht nruter!

Sechtaw eht nruter!

[squawking]

[RCM-PC] That's "return the watches" backwards!

Subliminally, this'll fix everything.

[squawking] Sechtaw eht nruter.

[parrots squawking, crickets chirping]

Sechtaw eht nruter. Sechtaw eht nruter.

[dogs barking]

They gave them their watches back?

What's happening?

I can't be the first person

to ever fail in the entertainment industry!

[RCM-PC] Hope we didn't come at a bad time.

Surprised to see us?

Seriously, it is hard to tell with that eye patch.

Speaking of surprises,

you may be surprised to learn

I have other songs with subliminal messages

to make you do whatever I want!

[beeping] No, this one's, no... this one's for driving.

No, not this one. This is for when I have people over-

Huh? Ah!

H'uah!

Ah! [groaning]

[telepathy warbling]

[groaning]

Now instead of time serving you,

you'll be serving time.

[crickets chirping]

Oh, come on.

[action music sting]

You guys did great.

You redeemed Canada,

and it's an honour to be at Maple Budz's first concert.

I even invited the other leaders.

We may go for Yogen Fruz after,

if they tell me where they're sitting.

Sigrid? Viktor?

If we're so great,

how come we had to open for a cover band

playing our own stuff?

? ...lonely as a hill on a prairie... ?

- ? Oh... ? - [crowd screaming and cheering]

? I'm sad, sad, sad! ?

Oof, letting Sask manage us may have been a mistake.

[grunting]

[?]

These guys are good.

[crowd cheering]

? Me minus you equals sad ?

Did I mention I'm sad?

Super sad.

? It's a mad, mad world ?

? And guess who's gonna save it all? ?

? It's a dirty job ?

? But someone's gotta do it ?

? Yeah, we can do it ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

? Hey, hey! ?

? The fate of the free world ?

? Is in our hands ?

? We're the heroes of the land ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

[explosion]

[distant loon call]

[?]

We just need a new light bulb.

I know now that there can be consequence

to swinging a shovel around.

[RCM-PC] Every time I'm in a hardware store,

I ask myself the same question,

where did my hardware come from?

[wailing] Who am I?

Well, I assume

when a daddy robot and a mommy robot get so drunk

the daddy robot can't drive to the drug store

for robot condoms-

In other news, found the remote!

[Sask giggling]

Hello there!

I work here, and FYI,

we clipped 30% off the price of those clippers.

Any chance of clipping 100% off the lame dad jokes?

Copy that.

Uh, of course, technically it isn't a dad joke,

'cause after that vise accident,

I can't conceive.

Tough for you, boring for us.

We need a fluorescent bulb for a ceiling fan.

I have... watt you're looking for.

I think it's pronounced "what."

Those are a bit tricky to install.

Think you'll need some help?

Thanks... Gary,

but I think we can handle a simple household task.

[?]

Aw, yeah.

[humming in satisfaction]

[clanking]

[?]

[wailing] Ah!

[gagging]

Aah!

Actually, yeah, help would be good.

Uh, hold on.

I call a team meeting.

We can't take his offer.

He'll want money after.

It's a classic scam,

like, uh, waiters wanting tip.

Let's vote.

Who wants the help?

Okay, fine, he come,

but when he ask for money,

he'll get a dose of my famous Quebecois directness.

I only came to say the price is too high.

- [gasping] - For you, maybe a nickel.

[doorbell ringing]

Costume's bad, so you owe me candy.

- [cackling] - [boy crying]

[ships' horn blowing]

Found one!

Maybe you're not direct, but just a jerk?

Aw...

You know words can hurt, right?

[groaning]

You'll see, he'll ask for money,

and then my tongue will tear him apart

like a poorly made lollipop.

[RCM-PC] Found it!

My owner's manual.

This is like my Bible.

"Should be cleaned with a soft rag and soap."

Ooh!

Everyone!

I should be cleaned

with a soft rag and soap! Ha ha!

[Gary] Well, if anyone ever says

a lactose-intolerant Bingo lover

never fixed your fan and changed your light bulb,

well, they are a liar. [laughing]

Okay, you're done. Now, bye-bye.

Uh, wait, just one more little thing.

You see? He want money!

And now Poutine gets to be Poutine.

[cracking joints]

It's your gas line.

There's a small leak, and I'd like to fix it

so you all don't die in your sleep.

Nice try,

but something worse than death

is coming for you.

Engineer Poutine driving a truth train!

Poutine, wait.

Team, huddle up.

What are we doing?

The truth train was almost at full insult speed!

Maybe he's right about the gas.

I don't want to die in my sleep.

I mean, I'm good if you do,

but I'd also prefer if I was awake to watch.

He's here, so why not let him fix it?

And then you can Poutine him.

That's not how the verb works.

Je Poutine, tu Poutine,

il Poutine, elle Poutine...

Okay, you can make us not die,

but don't expect to be paid for it.

Ha, oh, never would!

[RCM-PC] "Verily, I say unto thee,

thou shall find peace

if thy parts are oiled every 18 months!"

Update!

I'm almost done,

but that's just an educated... gas. [chuckling]

I think you meant to say "guess"?

The Prime Minister called!

A giant spider's taken some Girl Scouts hostage!

His motive is unclear.

This is great news!

It ruins Gary's plan.

If we're not here,

there's no one he can ask for money,

so a reason to do our job.

[crashing]

[sighing]

Well, we did it again.

Giant spider killed,

Girl Scouts and most of a den mother saved.

- [whirring] - RCM-PC, what's up?

[RCM-PC] I figured out what I am!

My soul purpose is a can opener, and really,

aren't we all trapped in a can of society's immoralities?

Okay, in non-stupid news,

it looks like that weasel Gary is gone.

[thumping]

Gone-a fix that wobbly table leg, you mean?

I think it's pronounced "gonna."

That's a style of Mexican knife.

You know those curves in your hockey sticks?

Fixed 'em!

Your tired old hairdo?

Fixed it!

Your bad attitude?

Fixed it!

You need to get rid of this jerk.

This ends here and now.

Actually, the reason I stayed is kind of a funny story.

Funny 'cause it's so sad.

Oh, God, you're into me, right?

With some weird fetish?

Not wet denim, I hope.

I can't have another wet denim guy following me.

No, no, no, it's just that...

my wife threw me out.

I have nowhere else to go!

Unlike you guys,

she didn't want me to fix everything,

especially our marriage.

Oh, I'd move somewhere else,

but part-time hardware store clerks

don't make as much as you'd think.

[Poutine] Uh, too bad.

We all have problem.

I have to decide

if I throw you on the rock or in the bushes.

Well, it gets worse.

She's cheating on me with a guy named Greg.

She even gave him his own shelf in our fridge!

I've seen his oat milk in there!

Let me stay! Please?

You won't even know I'm here! [sobbing]

[growling]

Oh, please...

[whimpering]

Hmm...

[whimpering] Mmm? Mmm!

[whimpering and crying] Oh...

Uh... [chuckling awkwardly]

I made a decision.

I'll make him stay

and fix more thing for free.

That's blunt with a brain!

[Gary] And I'm so grateful.

Thank you!

You could all learn from Poutine.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

- [action music sting] - M'wah!

[RCM-PC laughing]

Guess who patched up the birdhouse roof?

Gary did! And I'm him!

[RCM-PC] Last night, I had a dark moment.

I thought I had opened the last can,

and then I realized cans have bottoms!

[slurping]

Now I can see the light again!

It's a miracle!

Um, RCM-PC,

we invited someone to come talk to you.

Voover?

[Voover] Hello, friend.

I want you to know you and I have a lot in common.

[RCM-PC] You've also seen the way?

The only way?

The true and virtuous way?

[Voover] You sound like me

after I found my owner's manual.

My good book told me

I was a vacuum cleaner,

so I started sucking everything,

especially cocaine,

but one morning, I woke up

on a highway median in Colombia,

and knew enough was enough.

Now, let me help you not make the same mistake.

Relax...

Sleep, sleep, sleep...

Drift off like you're at a Dane Cook concert,

and forget about cans... cans...

Just forget.

Just forget...

[powering down abruptly]

Fixed the talking vacuum too!

Gary's on a roll!

[Breakaway groaning] Ugh...

[RCM-PC] Hey, this is a can too!

I'm doing the manual's work

in thy name!

But why not make it official?

Let's cleanse out the old RCM-PC with a baptism.

Baptisms are very holy.

It's when God watches you take a bath.

[RCM-PC] It means a lot

that you all support my journey.

Now, cleanse me!

[splashing]

[circuits shorting]

[Niagara Falls] It worked! She's out!

[powering up]

[RCM-PC] Non-can-opening hands are the devil's tools!

Not today, Satan!

Guess who fixed the robot?

Here's a hint,

it starts with a "G" and rhymes with "Gary."

Ooh, ooh, Phil Esposito?

Now to oil the Lazy Susan

into a Productive Susan! [chuckling happily]

I had a chance to tear into that little pathetic man,

but after his sob story,

I did nothing.

Will I ever be rude again?

If I'm polite, who am I?

Two heroes have lost themselves.

Enough is enough.

We need to take extreme measures.

[RCM-PC] Gary, something terrible has happened.

Come pray.

That always works.

Oh, they're dead.

They are? But how?

[alert beeping] Gas detected!

You said you fixed the gas leak,

but- [gasping] what if you didn't?

Oh, well, I double-checked all the valves,

but I didn't triple-check them.

Oh, no, I did this!

I thought I fixed problems, but now I am the problem!

[sighing] Well...

I can fix that.

H'yah!

[grunting in pain]

[RCM-PC] Uh... that wasn't supposed to happen.

[heart monitor flatlining]

He's gone.

We didn't want him to die.

We just hoped he'd leave

and live his life haunted by what he did.

This is my fault.

If I was rude, Gary would be alive.

Also our bathroom cabinet wouldn't squeak.

I mean, he'd be here,

but that's a trade Poutine would be willing to make.

[crying]

[sombre organ music playing]

[Greg] I didn't actually know Gary,

but when you're having an affair with a guy's wife,

you feel like you know him, you know?

[chugging]

[RCM-PC] What kind of Bible is this?

It doesn't say anything

about replacing condenser cables.

I'm sticking with the original good book.

[sighing] This is my fault.

I like to think my gravy is silky smooth,

but I need to face it,

there are lumps,

lumps of failure.

Listen up, all of you!

Gary is dead because of me.

He was a nice guy,

maybe too nice.

All he wanted to do was fix things, and...

That's it!

His death wasn't for nothing.

He did it to fix me!

Ha ha! This is a sign for me

to never not be rude again!

[laughing]

Gary, I won't let you down.

Greg, your speech was stupid

and your teeth are ugly!

I bet Gary's wife is also cheating on you!

[mumbling noncommittally]

And I saw the buffet they laid out after this.

If those eggs knew how bad they would be cooked,

they would beg to be back in the chicken's ass!

Thank you, Gary.

You succeeded with your final project,

me,

and with my restored rudeness,

let me tell you,

you were mostly dandruff.

Look!

[all gasping]

H'ah! [urn smashes]

[vacuum whirring]

[Voover groaning] Oh yeah,

that's some good Gary.

[powering off abruptly]

[?]

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