Original subtitles

[?]

? It's a mad, mad world ?

? And guess who's gonna save it all? ?

? It's a dirty job ?

? But someone's gotta do it ?

? Yeah, we can do it ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

? Hey, hey! ?

? The fate of the free world ?

? Is in our hands ?

? We're the heroes of the land ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

[explosions]

[distant loon calling]

[?]

[timer ticking]

[dinging bells]

Prepare to lose, you music-less jukebox!

- [dinging bell] - [RCM-PC] Impossible!

We all win when we all have fun!

[slamming bell] I'll make you choke on your logic!

[RCM-PC] Huh. I believe that's Contact Five.

[chuckling]

[roaring] No!

We play again until I win one,

and then we never play again!

[?]

[grunting]

Great news, your order of 190 pounds of sexy

has arrived.

Why are you dressed like such a D-bag?

Yeah, why such a shower bag?

I've changed for the- get this-

the better.

All thanks to literature.

Blech.

I took a real hard look

at my game off the ice,

and I decided I could up it from Peewee to Bantam.

This book proved to be just the training camp I needed.

Now ladies love me-

Make a hole, a-hole.

[sighing] That was the worst date ever.

Mm-hmm.

Actually, second worst.

Gordon Anderson says

complaints are women's biological clocks

reminding them

they're probably the problem.

Oh, god, I know that idiot.

He makes greasy virgins

think they're God's gift to women.

That's not true.

Also, Gordon says never give gifts to women,

so why would God?

He knows less about women than Poutine,

the jerk and the food.

Can't respond, need focus.

Contacted one... [chuckling]

hoping for two.

Have you even read his book?

I don't need to read something to know it's bad.

Just like Gordon says,

women talk too much.

Wanna come to his lecture

and hear from the Professor of P himself?

Fine, I'll go,

but only to show you and the other idiots there

what a total idiot this idiotic idiot is.

Idiot.

Is this a date?

'Cause the book doesn't really cover those.

[?]

[murmuring of big crowd]

Look at these dorks.

I bet they haven't even seen a woman before.

You have boobs.

[snickering and gasping]

You do. He's a truth-teller!

Gentlemen and gentlemen,

welcome to the stage...

Huah!

[crowd cheering]

...Gordon Anderson!

[crowd cheering]

Men are victims,

hostages,

prisoners!

Before we can mate,

we have to do forced labour...

notice when women get their hair cut,

ask how their day was.

Most insulting of all,

our female wardens expect us to listen.

[crowd shouting and booing]

...and that's why women's brains shrink

while they're menstruating.

- [crowd cheering] - I can't understand

why you actually listen to this dip-wad.

Can't understand?

Is lady stuff making your brain shrink?

You're an idiot!

- [crowd gasping and booing] - And your mascara is uneven!

And it's mascara!

This is exciting!

We have a woman here tonight!

- [crowd gasping] - Welcome, milady.

[stammering in fear] A-a-a girl!

[screaming in terror]

That's right, I am a woman.

- [crowd booing] - And as one,

let me tell every dweeb here

that Gordon has no idea what he's talking about.

He's preying on you pimply know-nothings

to fill his pockets

and feed his gigantic ego.

- [crowd booing] - [clearing throat]

I see now she's not just any woman,

but a superhero,

and she's here with her super boyfriend.

- [crowd whistling - Who, if he follows my advice,

is surely about to get super lucky.

- [crowd cheering] - Him? Oh, no, no way.

We're just coworkers.

But we are developing

a little bit of a "will they, won't they" vibe.

Spoiler alert, they won't.

Come up here, young man.

I see nothing but potential in you.

You're the only one of my disciples

to bring a date with you tonight.

Not a date. Not even close.

[crowd applauding]

[Gordon sniffing] Mm-hmm...

Hmm, yeah.

Um, how'd you like to be my prot�g�?

I don't know if you mean intern or the Mazda car,

but either way, yes!

[crowd cheering]

[?]

[humming]

[scoffing] It's not prom.

You're just going to this scammer's house.

Seriously, you're taking longer getting ready for your date

than I ever do.

Yeah, because mine may last more than three minutes.

- [telepathic warbling] - Ah!

And that's why you buy the waterproof brand.

Don't wait up.

[RCM-PC] Victory achieved!

Calice! de Saint-Siboire de tabarnak...

[Chinook] I didn't say anything,

but don't you guys kinda think

Gordon looks like a vampire?

Quoi?

Also, I listened to his audiobook,

and he says a lot of vampire stuff.

[beeps playback] "...when chasing women,

follow three simple rules.

No garlic, never wake before dusk..."

[gasping]

"...and only pursue women

who wash and season their necks."

[distant howling]

[geese honking]

[gates creaking open]

Automatic front door,

European doormat.

Gordon is all class.

[Gordon] Breakaway!

So glad you could join me here in...

[in Dracula voice] ...Mississauga!

[cackling wickedly]

Pleasure's mine.

To be honest, you're the first person

who's ever wanted to have me for dinner.

Oh, more than you'll ever know.

[slurping]

Uh, have you always been so pale

and... levitatey?

Let me answer that

right after you stand on that big suspicious "X."

Well, you're the mentor, and I'm the mint.

Ah!

You know, you remind me of some kind of movie monster.

Oh, I got it. Harvey Weinstein.

Actually, I'm...

a vampire!

[chuckling] No, that's not it.

Bill Cosby? Matt Lauer?

Charlie Rose, whoever that is.

No more guessing! I'm a vampire!

Okay, okay, you don't have to yell.

Kevin Spacey.

[sighing]

I'm also a genius.

My preaching makes men so repulsive to women

that they never have sex.

Then I harvest them,

and let their virgin blood age

here in my cellar.

Ah...

Hmm, hints of video game,

and an undertone of science fiction novels.

Okay, so you drink guys,

but why am I here?

I'm not a virgin.

[chomping and spurting]

Please!

I smelled virgin

the second I laid nostrils on you,

but you aren't just a virgin.

You're a super virgin!

Think how powerful I'll be

after your blood!

[ceiling crashing]

Ow! Oh...

[roaring]

[tire popping, air hissing]

Well, that sucks.

Kind of a dick move.

Deal with it.

Ah, thanks for saving me.

We looked everywhere for it!

Uh, I-I mean you.

Finalement...

I have you now!

No pieces?

C'est pas possible!

Oh, it's possible, all right.

Right, RC?

Let's try honesty for once.

After Breakaway shot the pieces,

one ended up in Sask. - [groaning curiously]

But what about the other piece?

[Chinook] It ended up in Breakaway.

Voil�!

I can't believe you kept playing

knowing I was short pieces.

You cheated!

[RCM-PC] Omitting facts could be called cheating,

yet I present the counterargument of...

scoreboard!

[shrieking]

Enough!

I've grown weary of your chit-chat.

If you want to live,

exit now

and leave me to my man-sized pitcher

of super virgin blood!

- Huh? - Did you say "virgin"?

No. No way.

It's his crazy accent.

I heard it as "surgeon,"

which totally makes sense.

Okay, I am a virgin,

but only 'cause I was saving myself for sex.

[RCM-PC] Maybe we could talk about this later.

Or never.

Let's just go. I want to be alone.

[chuckling] Sounds like you normally are.

He's staying.

The rest of you are dying.

Right, virgin vampire army?

[roaring]

You still have boobs.

This one's mine!

[telepathic warbling]

[electricity crackling]

[roaring]

Wait, I got an idea.

He only wants me because I'm a virgin, right?

Now, suppose I was de-virginized.

Uh, no. Nuh-uh. Never gonna happen.

Really? You'd rather I die?

I'm thinking, you know, pros and cons.

One pro,

so many cons.

Give me your stick.

I see you've made your decision.

Can we maybe turn the lights off?

Your hockey stick, moron.

Vampires die from wooden stakes to the heart.

Ask any vampire movie.

[RCM-PC] Some of "Twilight" was filmed in Canada,

near Tofino, to be-

[gasping] I always wondered what that did.

Now, let's stab.

[roaring]

Looks like the student-

No, no, no!

is about to become the murderer.

Gordy,

if you're gonna have friends over,

no roughhousing, hey?

Also, I don't see your headgear.

[groaning] Ugh, sorry, Mom.

Wait, you live with your mom?

It's just smart.

It's so I can save money until I get married.

Which may never happen,

because he's already married to his job,

being my special little boy.

[spitting]

Ugh, Mom, don't!

Shocking news.

The king of the losers is also a total loser.

Now, Gordy, maybe all your chums

would like to stay for some tomato soup.

Gordy likes how it looks like blood.

We have to wait for a guy to come patch the tire anyways.

Tomato soup may be nice.

[?]

[slurping]

Hey, Mom, where were you?

Just, uh, making sure you wouldn't get into trouble

going after that super virgin again,

or should I say super ex-virgin?

Rawr. [giggling]

That's sex?

It's so gross!

Blech.

[gasping]

Shh!

[slurping]

[sobbing and whimpering]

? It's a mad, mad world ?

? And guess who's gonna save it all? ?

? It's a dirty job ?

? But someone's gotta do it ?

? Yeah, we can do it ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

? Hey, hey! ?

? The fate of the free world ?

? Is in our hands ?

? We're the heroes of the land ?

? Super Team Canada! ?

[explosions]

[distant loon calling]

[?]

[Chinook] Guys, so exciting we're doing this.

Our first official team potluck.

Hashtag: SuperYum!

[RCM-PC] I agree.

A wonderful way to celebrate us gelling as a unit,

by preparing a dish that's important to each of us.

I made chips!

Mm, Intel.

I financed 100,000 boxes of these years ago

as a promotional tool.

I keep them in a storage locker I used to live in.

"Breakaw-A's.

The same great taste of an O...

[chomping]

...but pointier."

This is a meal important to my culture.

Eulachon grease over herring eggs.

Plenty for everyone.

Sask and I teamed up for something.

- [Sask groaning] - Kelp?

I said "sea bass," not "sea grass"!

I brought dry ramen noodles,

an old family recipe.

I come from a broken home!

This was caviar to me!

Oh, my god, noodles?

Get them away.

Get them away from me!

You're joking, right?

No! Ever since I was a kid,

I've hated them.

They scare me to my core.

They're like hot little worms coated in exotic flavours.

I am a flawless human being

save for this one thing.

Please, remove them.

Pathetic.

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy...

-[alert blaring] - [P.M.] Super Team Canada,

we have a Maple Alert.

I repeat, we have a Maple Alert.

[gasping] Maple the stripper is hurt?

[sobbing] Oh, I told her those heels were too high!

[warbling]

[RCM-PC] I show no Maple Alert in my files.

[P.M.] That's because it doesn't exist in any files

anywhere in the world.

Meet me at these coordinates

ASAP!

[beeping]

Put my cereal in the penalty box.

Looks like Super Team Canada

is having trouble for dinner.

Why are we in the middle of the desert?

And do you have another umbrella?

Heat and I are not the best of friends.

[gulping]

Sorry, I spent our national umbrella budget

when that Martian sperm monster attacked.

I didn't mind it.

A local village near here is having a problem,

a supernatural one.

5,000 years ago,

during a deadly sandstorm,

elders built and prayed to a statue

in honour of a deity named Dasim.

It worked,

and the storm stopped,

but legend is

if the statue is ever removed from its temple,

Dasim will summon another sandstorm

that will destroy the Earth!

The temple has disappeared,

but we found the statue.

Super Team Canada needs to find the temple,

get the statue back inside,

and recite the ancient prayers on the temple wall

to destroy Dasim forever,

or mankind is heated bread!

Toast.

Mankind is toast,

but be warned,

if you look in the statue's eyes,

you will also become possessed.

Maybe I should have led with that part.

Sorry.

[RCM-PC] Wow.

Anything else important you forgot?

Yes.

This all must be done by midnight,

and I bowled three strikes in my all-Prime Minister league,

The Legislators.

[Breakaway] Six hours?

We got this.

Team, let's load the statue into the van,

find the temple,

and put it back ASAP.

That spells "asp,"

an Egyptian snake.

We don't even know where the temple is,

and you just want to step off the van with the statue

to get all the glory.

[gasping]

Can you guys do your weird mating dance later?

Sask's becoming a hairy prune.

[grunting]

[P.M.] I'm sorry!

Here you go, Sask!

Oh, dang.

[thunderclap]

[possessed voice] I am Dasim,

and all mankind will die!

Part of me thinks that was so cool,

and part of me is filling my pantalon with merde.

Breakaway, what do we do?

Thank you for putting me in charge.

You recognize my smart decisions,

like wearing skates in the sand.

I am Dasim, and all mankind will die!

What's the opposite of fun?

Because this is definitely that.

I am Dasim, and all mankind will die!

[RCM-PC] Can any of you try and blast the statue loose

from the P.M.'s grip?

I'll focus on keeping us airborne

and also charge my battery.

Uh, not me.

That sand will clog my spray!

And thicken my water jets into cement.

I am Dasim, and all mankind will die!

[Breakaway] I would welcome the end of times

if it means ending five more hours

of hearing that crap.

It's like audio noodles.

I am Dasim, and all mankind will die!

Dude, my skate will die up your ass

if you say that one more effing time.

It's like a whole thing with this clown.

[RCM-PC] Breakaway, stay focused.

Relax, I'm just trash-talking him back.

It will take a lot more than his bush-league chirps

to get my former-pro goat.

I am Dasim, and all mankind will die!

Okay, it's go-time, clown-hole!

Ah!

[groaning]

[possessed voice] I am Dasim, and all mankind will die!

[cackling]

[RCM-PC] Whoa, being possessed

can't be good for the neck muscles.

We have to save the P.M.!

He's burning up the van!

I summon the protective power of cheese!

And yes, we're still falling to our deaths.

What year is it?

Who's Prime Minister of Canada?

Uh, you are.

I am? That's so great!

Suck it, Uncle Jeff!

Oh, my gosh, the desert, Dasim!

Please tell me you guys got the statue!

The world only has four hours left!

Breakaway has it.

Great!

Except he's now possessed by it,

tried to kill us, blew up our van,

and is about to murder everyone on Earth.

Murder everyone on Earth?

Can't you stop him from doing that?

Or at least stop him from murdering me?

RCM-PC, a little inspirational music.

[?]

Sure, we're not perfect,

but name one other Canadian super team

that hasn't unleashed a hell demon this week.

I can't,

but what I can do

is look each and every one of you in the eye,

and say, "If this is it,

there's no group of people, robots, and chubby bigfoots

I'd rather be destroyed with."

Now, let's go kill our friend!

Hell, yes!

And get the statue back.

Also good.

Go get 'em!

Oh, full body cramp.

I see him!

Something's weird.

He seems distracted.

[Sask grunting]

Why would an omnipotent demon be distracted by love?

[grunting]

I know you were hurt,

but you need to face the fact

that Sarah McLachlan cheated on you,

and that was that.

[possessed voice] Dasim find!

Dasim destroy!

[Niagara Falls] The temple, he's found it!

[Chinook] But why would he want to go there?

He's not returning the statue.

[grunting]

"Not Returning The Statue"

was not the name of your song with Sarah.

[RCM-PC gasping]

[possessed voice] Dasim destroy!

[RCM-PC] He's going to get rid of the prayer code

on the temple walls!

That's what "Dasim destroy" means!

If he succeeds, nothing can stop him

or save mankind!

As my grandfather said to the Montreal trolley master

who farted on his wrist,

"Not on my watch!"

Poutine, wait!

L'attaque!

Le bad idea!

[Niagara Falls] Bad move, regular jerk

who's now an evil jerk!

I'm about to hit you

with every possessed demon's nightmare-

water bear traps!

Oh!

Dasim destroy!

[RCM-PC] Only a few minutes left!

Let's get him!

[roaring battle cries]

Dasim destroy!

[hissing]

[?]

[coughing and spluttering]

To recap,

I have sand in places where it shouldn't be.

He's too powerful.

You know, I always thought I would die

under a suffocating avalanche of showgirls

from a cheap Windsor, Ontario casino.

The temple is almost gone,

and same with mankind,

unless we can think of some other way to defeat him!

[grunting]

[RCM-PC] Oh, no one cares

that today would have been

your and Sarah's three-week anniversary.

She's moved on,

and you need to also!

[grunting and moaning]

Sask, stop!

How is this gonna help?

[gasping] Noodles?

Noodles!

[together] The answer is noodles!

[Poutine] Hey, Anglo Diablo!

All that evil and destruction

must have made you hungry.

You don't want to eradicate mankind

on an empty tummy!

Tell Hell Soup-er Team Canada sent ya!

Time to get what's ramen for ya!

Noodles?

[screaming] No!

We did it!

But where's Breakaway?

We got rid of Dasim,

but we didn't mean to kill him too.

[Breakaway laughing]

It'll take more than an ancient spirit

to stop this badass.

[clanging]

[urine spreading]

[grunting]

[roaring]

- [together] What? - [rumbling]

[RCM-PC] Whoa!

[Chinook] Whoa, cool.

[German Chancellor] Super Team Canada,

the entire world cannot thank you enough

for saving our durchwachsener .

Is there anything we can do to show our appreciation?

It was our pleasure.

It's our job.

And our planet.

[RCM-PC] We're just happy we got our friend back.

I'm the hockey one.

Your humility is to be expected,

but there must be something.

If not to help you,

maybe we can avenge someone who hurt you?

[grunting excitedly]

Troubling news today for singer Sarah McLachlan.

As she opened a package on her front steps,

an estimated 45 circus clowns spilled out,

enveloping her in a three-hour cacophony

of slide whistles and fart noises.

[?]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0