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1
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:17,800
This programme contains
strong language and scenes
of an adult nature.
2
00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:21,520
'What an amazing day!
Promotion.
3
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:24,280
'Finally,
all the backbiting and plotting
4
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:29,000
'and arse-kissing
and credit-stealing
and hard work has paid off.
5
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,000
'Goodbye, Mark Corrigan,
credit manager.
6
00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:35,200
'Hello, Mark Corrigan,
senior credit manager.
7
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,680
'I've smashed the glass ceiling
with my greasy pole.'
8
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:39,920
Sophie?
9
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:41,520
Oh, hi, Mark.
10
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:45,040
'What's she doing here?
Broken glass in my muesli?
11
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:46,640
'Pesto in the hard drive?'
12
00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:51,080
I've been waiting. I wanted to
give you the annulment forms
13
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,840
and s...sort out the annulment.
14
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,320
Are you OK?
15
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,440
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
16
00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:01,680
Um, I just shared a couple of joints
with Jez while I was waiting, so...
17
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:04,400
Yeah, I'm smoking again.
18
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,360
Well, thanks.
19
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:07,720
See you soon.
20
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:10,080
'Is that it?
21
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:14,120
'No sarcastic put-down?
No casual kick in the balls?
22
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,040
'Maybe it's because
she's been smoking drugs.
23
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,240
'Good old drugs.'
24
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:20,480
< Hi, Jez.
25
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,000
Oh, hi, Mark.
26
00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:24,400
I think this might be
the best day of my life.
27
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:28,160
War with Sophie is over and
Johnson's given me a promotion.
28
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,080
I've only got my own
bloody little office.
29
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:32,600
Cool.
30
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,960
I'm glad you've had such
an amazing day. That's great.
31
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:40,120
'Ouch! The ghost at the feast.
Better take the mustard off.'
32
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,920
I mean, it wasn't that great.
33
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,000
Lunch was pretty nothingy.
34
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,760
Baked potato...again.
35
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,360
Are you all right?
36
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,160
I've just been doing
a lot of thinking lately.
37
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:54,640
'Oh, shit.'
38
00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:57,600
And I was just thinking,
39
00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:01,480
"Why do I even do
half the stupid shit I do?
40
00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,320
"Maybe I'm a knobhead."
41
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,720
What? No.
42
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:06,920
No, no, no.
43
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:10,360
Maybe I'm not in the 1% of people
who think
44
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:14,440
they're gonna be successful
musicians and are totally right,
45
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:19,120
but in the 99%
of talentless, misguided dickheads.
46
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:23,880
Jez, you're not a talentless,
misguided dickhead.
47
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:27,320
That's the last thing you are.
48
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,400
Wanna go for another one?
49
00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:32,560
Maybe. Shall we wait
until the kids have gone?
50
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:33,800
LAUGHTER
51
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,000
Hey, look.
52
00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:40,000
Another one's talking to those
freaks who tried to push us their
personality tests.
53
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,640
Look at that bloody
New Wellness loony.
54
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,320
You know what would be
fucking funny? Us in there.
55
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,880
We should do their test. Take a
weirdo for a ride round the paddock.
56
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,800
Freak out the freaks.
57
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,880
Might also be quite warm in there.
58
00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:00,600
'This is gonna be funny. I'm gonna
freak the fuck out of this sheep.
59
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,680
'He'll probably walk out
worshipping me.'
60
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:05,760
The personality test is just
a few questions to determine
61
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:08,600
how you're being prevented from
unlocking your true potential.
62
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,240
Oh, OK.
63
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,800
'I'll tell you what's unlocking your
true potential, mate. That tie!'
64
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:15,480
< Right, question one.
65
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:20,800
Do you often make efforts to make
people you're not fond of laugh
or smile?
66
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,720
'I'll fuck with him.' No.
67
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,840
'Actually, it's more of a yes!'
68
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:28,760
In social situations, do you
crack wise to help yourself fit in?
69
00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,000
No. I mean yes.
70
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:34,480
But... No, no.
It's a no. The answer's no.
71
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:35,960
'What was my plan again?'
72
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:40,720
Great! You know, a lot of different
people come and do the test,
73
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:44,480
but we find what they have in common
is that they're not
74
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,400
where they want to be in their life.
75
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:48,640
'Losers.' Right.
76
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,800
Are you where you want to be
in your life right now?
77
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:52,760
'Fuck you!'
78
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,360
Not particularly.
79
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:56,640
These issues have
their roots in childhood.
80
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,880
How were things in your family
when you were growing up?
81
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,720
Well, you know...
82
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:05,360
My dad left home when I was ten,
so...
83
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:10,320
What would ten-year-old Jeremy
have said to his dad if he'd
had the courage?
84
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,560
Dunno. Just...
85
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,200
Don't go?
86
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,920
Don't go.
87
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,080
< It's OK.
88
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,560
< You're in a safe place.
89
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,640
'This is a laugh.'
90
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:33,840
I thought I knew
what I was doing with my life,
91
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,840
but I haven't a fucking clue.
92
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,760
Don't worry.
93
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,240
We'll carry on with
the personality test.
94
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,520
This next section is going to
answer a lot of those questions.
95
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:48,760
'This is funny.
This is definitely pretty funny.'
96
00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:53,200
Hey, Dobbs. Hi, Mark.
97
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,040
What was that screen
you just closed down?
98
00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,320
Oh, what? Nothing.
99
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,240
Was it Fantasy Warquest?
100
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:08,000
Well, I used to have a Paladin
Vardor in Dungeons and Dragons.
101
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:09,640
What level? 14.
102
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,960
Nice. But I've never done Warquest,
103
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,960
though I've read loads about it.
104
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:17,200
I've been questing with Gerard.
It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
105
00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:19,640
I know. Why are we whispering?
106
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,400
I don't know.
107
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,000
PHONE RINGS
108
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,040
'What does he want?'
109
00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,160
Hello.
110
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,400
I'm sorry to bother you at work.
I wanted to apologise.
111
00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,000
I take and take
and never give anything back.
112
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,320
Yes, that's right. Are you OK, Jez?
113
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,720
Yes, I'm fine. I just need you
to know that I'm selfish and
irresponsible.
114
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,760
I need to take ownership
of that fact. 'OK, agreed.'
115
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,880
Are you sure you're OK?
Yep, doing good.
116
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,560
See you later.
117
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:49,960
'Weird. Maybe he's on acid
or watched a whole Jeremy Kyle.'
118
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:53,560
You know what? We should load up
Warquest together some time.
119
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:57,840
Pizza, beer, draw the curtains,
settle in for a massive sesh.
120
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,320
Sounds interesting.
'God, she's dangerous.'
121
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,680
Cool. Have at thee, Vardor.
122
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,440
I shall expect no quarter, Gwynlath.
123
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:07,720
'She's my dream.
124
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,200
'My nightmare. Ooh, I'm excited.
125
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,040
'And guilty.
126
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:15,040
'Oh, Sophie. Why do I feel guilty?
127
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,480
'I haven't done anything wrong.
128
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:17,880
'I feel guilty about everything,
129
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,280
'from the pollution caused by
Chinese industrialisation
130
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:23,160
'to not wearing some pairs of boxers
as much as others.
131
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,600
'I'm sorry, stripy blue,
you're just too tight.'
132
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:31,080
OK, so we're gonna enter
the alchemist's study.
133
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,080
We all know the risks. Agreed?
134
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,000
Agreed.
135
00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:40,560
What about doing some live-action
role-play down Chislehurst, boss?
136
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:42,720
Well, I'm up for it
if Dobby's up for it.
137
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:47,240
But, Gerard, don't call me boss
outside work. I don't like it.
138
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:48,800
'I very much do like it.'
139
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:52,040
OK, the alchemist is still here.
The alchemist is still here.
140
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:57,000
Fine, close the door. Maybe we
should stock up on provisions.
141
00:06:57,080 --> 00:07:00,960
Go to the fair and buy
some...gooseberries.
142
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:06,360
Don't go over there, it's a trap.
Those trees are not real trees.
143
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,640
'Dobby, the acceptable face
of woman.
144
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,680
'I hardly have to modify
my behaviour at all in her company.
145
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,320
'I really think she might be
The One.'
146
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:18,960
Hey, Mark, I've cleaned the kitchen,
147
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,400
so don't go in for a bit,
the floor's still drying.
148
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:24,960
And I've been to Tesco to stock up
on milk and bread,
we were running low.
149
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,840
You've cleaned the... What?!
150
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:28,400
The kitchen. See you later.
151
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:31,920
I'm off out today and tomorrow -
to my course.
152
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,240
Back in a minute.
153
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,760
Feel free to use
my enchanted coracle.
154
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,320
< What course?
Are you OK? Is everything all right?
155
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,480
Yeah, it's for personal
and career development.
156
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:45,920
< Did the first day yesterday.
157
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,760
Best 400 quid I've ever spent.
158
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,680
Plus, you get a free book.
159
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,080
The New Wellness Centre?
160
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,800
Jez, I think I've heard
about these people.
161
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,080
There's stuff all over the internet
about them.
162
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,800
That's right.
There's a conspiracy about them.
163
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,520
There's a lot of stuff about
an asteroid in here.
164
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:08,040
It's based on the seven sacred
truths from the golden tablets
165
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,920
found in the asteroid
which crashed in Siberia in 1911.
166
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,160
It's a really great book.
You'd love the chapter on orgones.
167
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:15,360
Orgones?
168
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:18,480
Orgones are the invisible molecules
of universal life energy
169
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:22,080
which govern our moods and actions.
Negatives orgones are the source
170
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,800
of all the problems in the world.
And you believe that?
171
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,520
Well, how do you explain
all the problems in the world?
172
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,400
I mean, I couldn't just...
173
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:33,040
There are so many historical
and economic factors that...
174
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:36,160
Exactly! You haven't got a clue.
175
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:39,120
Come on, Jez. Asteroids?
176
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:44,280
Orgones? What would you say
if I came home talking about
that kind of stuff?
177
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:48,920
I'd say, "That sounds fascinating,
please tell me more." See you later.
178
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,600
'Jeremy's in a cult.
179
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:54,760
'Jeremy in a cult...
It does have a certain ring to it.'
180
00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,000
So, Sue's off.
181
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,840
Yep. Some redundancies
are more voluntary than others, eh?
182
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,200
She's taking it well.
183
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:07,000
Show me a good loser
and I'll show you a loser.
184
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:12,680
So, listen, that new office of
yours, I think it's time we busted
its virginity.
185
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,840
'He's not gonna hump me
in my office, is he?'
186
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:16,520
Marketing's a petrified forest.
187
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:19,880
I need you to swing your chopper.
Is that OK, Corrigan?
188
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,720
Er, sure thing, Alan.
189
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,920
'Oh, God, firing people.
190
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,160
'Maybe he's gonna make me
fire Dobby. He knows I like her.
191
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:30,000
'He's scented my weakness.'
Hey, husband.
192
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,280
Hi, Soph, how are you doing?
193
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:34,560
Pretty terrible.
This wine is so disgusting.
194
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,200
Yep, it's very horrible.
195
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,480
So, how's Jez?
196
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:41,280
He's joined a cult and he's
changing his name, but fine.
197
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,360
Wow! What's his new name? Jared.
198
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,440
Ooh, that's not good. I know.
199
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,400
So, you had a look
at the annulment stuff?
200
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:51,680
Wanna go to your new office in a bit
201
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:54,080
and annul the hell
out of our marriage?
202
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,120
'Quick divorce, back for nibbles.'
203
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:02,440
So...how are things? What happened
to whatshisname? Tolly?
204
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:04,320
Oh, no good.
205
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,240
I waited until about
the fifth weekend
206
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:10,360
and then I said, "Look, I want
a baby, like, pretty fucking soon."
207
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,760
Then he said, "Oh, that's
interesting." And then, boom! Gone.
208
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:17,320
Men don't like babies as much as
women. That's my analysis.
209
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:21,200
How are things for you?
Missing me? Got anything going?
210
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:25,480
Well, you know, I have got...
someone in the crosshairs.
211
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:29,720
But I might let her live
a bit longer before I pull
the trigger, though.
212
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,960
Are you, though? Missing me?
213
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,920
Yeah, well, I...I probably do
miss you.
214
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,960
A bit.
'She's playing me like a tuba.'
215
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,000
I mean, I miss you a bit. So...
216
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,320
'Should I?
217
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:49,000
'I could. I haven't made my move on
the Dobster. I'm still a free man.
218
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,320
'Maybe I'm Shaft. Maybe I'm Trump.
219
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,520
'Yeah, I'm Trump,
in my dirty wiggy tower.'
220
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,760
'Look at me. Drunken one-night
stand.
221
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:03,920
'I mean, she is my wife.
222
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:07,320
'Still, finally got to use my
Bachelor's Emergency Condom.
223
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,920
'Oh, shit! Oh, bollocks!'
224
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:16,760
Soph...I think there might be
a bit of a problem.
225
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:17,960
It's not...
226
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,440
It's been in my wallet so long I
think the rubber may have perished.
227
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:25,600
Old Meg has broken.
Oh, God, Soph, I'm sorry.
228
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:27,320
It's broken?
229
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,960
Oh, dear.
230
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,240
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
231
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:36,800
I suppose, just to be on the safe
side, the morning-after pill.
You could...
232
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:41,800
Maybe. There's powerful hormones
in those things, so I might just...
233
00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:43,080
What?
234
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:47,040
Let nature take its course.
The chances are, on a one-off,
nothing's...
235
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,840
Soph,
why are you sitting like that?
236
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,320
Like what?
Like that.
237
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:52,320
It's comfy.
238
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:55,080
It's just...
Sitting like that, it might...
239
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,480
I like sitting like this.
240
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:58,680
Stop sitting like that.
241
00:11:58,760 --> 00:11:59,640
No.
242
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,160
Please. Sit up.
243
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:04,280
Just relax. OK? I'm not going
to sit up. I'm just comfy.
244
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:07,360
'That is low. That is really low.
245
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,280
'She's taken my sperm
246
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,080
'and sperm is like lending someone
less than a fiver.
247
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,200
'You can't really ask for it back.'
248
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:24,160
The good news is that in my last
personality chart I was 30% up,
249
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:26,480
which was pretty wicked.
250
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:29,040
Your wellness levels must
be through the fucking roof.
251
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,920
You're right on schedule,
according to the book.
252
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,200
Hardback book, based on tablets
brought by an asteroid.
253
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:36,520
Something you can rely on.
254
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:41,960
Yeah. What do you think about
the...asteroids stuff?
255
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:43,560
Are you having a few doubts?
256
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:48,160
No. God, no.
More sort of...thoughts. Thoughts?
257
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,000
You want to give that shit a rest.
258
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:53,600
You've been thinking thoughts your
whole life. Look where that got you.
259
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:54,640
True enough.
260
00:12:54,720 --> 00:13:00,040
I was talking to Pascoe and a couple
of rooms have come up at the centre.
261
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:01,880
The cool thing is, if you live in,
262
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:06,720
you can pay for classes by making
new recruits. It's a good system,
innit?
263
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,480
That is a good system.
264
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,800
So? You up for it?
265
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:14,160
'Move into the compound?
Mark'll say I'm joining a cult.
266
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:18,560
'But he won't have a Nectar card
because he thinks it means
they've got him!'
267
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:23,360
Dude, crank up the orgonometer
and bring on module two!
268
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:27,880
'Hope she's not pregnant.
269
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,000
'It's been ages.
She hasn't mentioned it.
270
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:34,600
'She won't be. It's not like I'm
a Royal Marine with super sperm.'
271
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:36,560
Oh! Hi, Alan.
272
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,080
Looking good in here.
273
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:41,520
I've got a 32-inch plasma in mine.
274
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,160
You get a document up on that baby
275
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,440
and you are seriously
looking at that document.
276
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:50,280
These are the figures from human
resources. The droid for the chop.
277
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,600
Sophie is the lowest-ranked by far,
so...
278
00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:53,880
Sophie?
279
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,240
You want me to fire Sophie?
280
00:13:56,320 --> 00:14:00,280
She's a liability.
She came in late this morning,
stinking of booze and fags.
281
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,200
'She's so unpregnated.'
282
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:05,800
I'm not running a rehab clinic.
This is a maximum-security business
institution
283
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,880
and if you can't break rocks,
you get shot in the head.
284
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,800
Do your duty, Corrigan.
285
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,080
Chapman! Corrigan.
286
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,560
You wanted to see me?
287
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,440
Um, yes, take...take a seat.
288
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,960
'Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!'
289
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,800
Um... Yes, there's...
There's something I want...
290
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:31,600
Well, I don't want,
but I've got to...tell you.
291
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:35,560
Yes. And I've actually...
I've got some news. Big news.
292
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,400
Oh, yes?
'Please don't say you're pregnant.'
293
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:39,840
I'm pregnant.
294
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,080
'Fu-u-u-uck!'
295
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:45,120
Right. You're pregnant.
296
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:46,280
Of course.
297
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,880
I did three home tests last night
and they were all positive.
298
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,240
Right. Only three?
299
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:53,800
Look, I know neither of us
planned this. But...it's happened.
300
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,920
And I want a baby.
301
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:04,000
So, what was your news? Well, um...
302
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:09,800
Have you ever considered, you know,
redundancy? Voluntary redundancy?
303
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:10,920
No.
304
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:16,360
Have you ever considered
involuntary redundancy?
305
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:17,680
You're firing me?
306
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:21,240
Well, no, I mean...
I've been asked to fire you,
307
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,160
but that doesn't necessarily mean...
308
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,520
That's perfect.
That's just what I needed.
309
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,600
I've just found out I'm pregnant
and now I'm losing my fucking job.
310
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,840
Mark! I don't think I'm going to
be able to cope with this.
311
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,760
'Oh, fiddlesticks.
Of course, I'm having a baby.
312
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,480
'Great. I'll probably drop it
313
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,960
'or it'll write a bitter memoir
about how distant I was.'
314
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:40,760
Sorry!
315
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,560
Look. Sophie, I'm...
I'm not going to fire you.
316
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,560
We'll sort something out.
I'll fire someone else.
317
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,120
Paul, he's a pain in the arse.
318
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:53,160
That would be nice.
319
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:54,320
'Please stop crying.'
320
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:59,240
And...and...I just want to say that
I'll be there for you.
321
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,480
I'm going to look after you
322
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:05,880
and I'll cook you meals and
wash your clothes and...
323
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,520
'Still crying!'
324
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:11,520
If you want,
I'll be there for you 24/7.
325
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:15,200
Really? Would you do that?
326
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:16,480
Absolutely.
327
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,560
'Just got to say the right words.
328
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:20,440
'Can think about
what they mean later.'
329
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,760
Broadsword plus two.
Broadsword plus two!
330
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:26,720
Reviving potion, reviving potion.
331
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,880
You're down! You're fucking down.
I revived, all right, I revived.
332
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:34,880
'What they fuck am I doing? I'm in
a wood in Kent with a plastic sword.
333
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:38,680
'I've crossed a line.
I'm an executive and a father-to-be.
334
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,400
'This isn't me.
These aren't my people.'
335
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,200
< Barbarians! Move out.
Prepare a feast.
336
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:50,480
Coming to the pub, Mark? Cheap lager,
expensive crisps and self-loathing?
337
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,840
'She's The One, definitely.'
338
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,720
I could...give you a lift home?
339
00:16:55,800 --> 00:17:00,680
I...I think I'll jump in the van.
I need to get home.
340
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,320
Sophie asked me to come over.
Right.
341
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,440
Pub, Gerard?
342
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:05,720
Sure.
343
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,120
'There she goes. Goodbye, Dobby,
344
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,680
'because I'm having a baby
with a woman who probably
secretly hates me.
345
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:15,160
'Don't want to mess up
that sweet little deal.'
346
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:19,200
So, listen, Mark. Something
I wanted to mention...about Dobby.
347
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,480
Cos I know you two had
a bit of a thing,
348
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,680
but I'm thinking about
asking her out.
349
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:29,200
Actually, Gerard, there's been
something I've been meaning to
mention, too.
350
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:30,560
Yeah?
351
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,520
You're fired.
352
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:33,320
What?
353
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:37,720
From JLB.
You're fired from your job.
This is about Dobby, isn't it?
354
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,880
Absolutely not.
You're just not pulling your weight.
355
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,400
You're scared to make a move
and want me out of the way!
356
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,040
That is simply not true.
357
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:48,200
If you fire me, I'll tell everyone
it's because of Dobby.
358
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:51,400
I'll take you to a tribunal.
I will go all the way.
359
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:55,320
OK, well, maybe I have been
a bit...hasty.
360
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:59,680
Your work is showing signs
of improvement in some areas so...
361
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:02,280
Very well, after this talk,
362
00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,840
you're not fired.
363
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:07,560
Satisfied?
364
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,680
'Oh, my God! I can't fire anyone.
365
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,080
'I'm like British Leyland in 1976.'
366
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:18,640
'Hmm. A new TV and it's HD ready.
367
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:21,320
'I am so ready for HD.
368
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,960
'HD will make everything better.'
369
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:28,480
Do you want any of this stuff before
I drive it down the incinerator?
370
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:29,720
What is it?
371
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,320
Jared's old shit.
372
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,840
Photos, songs, diaries,
love letters, that sort of crap.
373
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:37,560
Oh, yeah, sure, I'll...
374
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:39,760
I'll hang on to that.
375
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:43,520
So...
376
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:48,440
Is he really actually going?
To the centre?
377
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,160
Yep. Sophie's in there now
saying goodbye.
378
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:55,120
'She's nice.
Maybe it'll be OK with me and Soph.
379
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,800
'A quick game of Warquest.
380
00:18:56,880 --> 00:19:00,920
'When you have a baby, probably any
relationship issues just melt away.'
381
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:02,880
So, yeah, Jez. >
382
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,200
Jared.
383
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,280
I wanted a quick chat.
384
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:09,400
You're not trying to
de-programme me? No, not at all.
385
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:13,280
You remember that time
when I came over last month
386
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,160
to give Mark the annulment papers?
387
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:17,560
What? When we...
388
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,560
..did the thing
that we shouldn't have done
389
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:24,040
but which, at the time,
we really, really wanted to do?
390
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:24,800
Yeah.
391
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:29,800
Yeah. I don't feel great about that.
I don't really want to
do that again.
392
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,800
No, nor me! Um, no, it's just, um...
393
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,720
You know I went to the clinic
and I'm...
394
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,360
Knocked up with Mark's kid?
Pregnant, yeah.
395
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,240
Well, it turns out the dates...
396
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,480
the dates might be a bit wrong
for what I thought, so...
397
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,720
So, what...?
398
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,960
It's not going to get born...old?
399
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,960
Or young?
But they come young anyway, so...
400
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:54,760
No. >
401
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,880
I got the dates a bit wrong, so...
402
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,520
Oh, you're fucking kidding.
403
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,120
< Oh, no!
404
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,160
No!
405
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,840
Yeah, so I don't know.
It's all...up in the air.
406
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:13,680
Yeah... It's exciting.
I'm glad you told me.
407
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:16,920
'I so wish you hadn't told me.
Everything was brilliant
before I knew
408
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,640
'and I was joining the cult...
Not cult.'
409
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:23,080
So, with everything
we've been through,
410
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,320
I just don't think I can tell Mark.
Will you tell him?
411
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,320
Of course I will, Soph.
412
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:29,720
I'll keep in touch.
413
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:35,520
'I'll send Mark a note. A nice card
with a stork and a love rat.
And a fiver.'
414
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,920
Bye, Mark. See you soon, I hope.
415
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,320
Um, yeah. See you. >
416
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,800
'Could text him.
A friendly, anonymous text.'
417
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,200
So...this is exciting.
418
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,920
I'm moving into the centre
419
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:53,080
and you're going to have
your wife and your family.
420
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,360
Yeah.
421
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,560
The Dobby door is definitely closed.
422
00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,840
I waited too long.
Her and Gerard are an item.
423
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:04,920
Uh-huh. 'Should tell him.
God, I feel terrible.
424
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,840
'Where they heck did all these
negative orgones come from?'
425
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,560
OK, well, um...
426
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,400
Bye.
427
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,560
Ey-ey!
428
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,400
Uhhh-uhhh!
429
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,120
There was just one thing.
430
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:32,320
I don't think you should go,
you do know that, don't you?
431
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:36,880
I'll come and get you if you like.
I'll happily de-programme you.
432
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,800
Yeah, thanks, man.
433
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,280
Um... No, the thing is...
It's just...
434
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,040
Um... Pfff-fff...
435
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:48,240
Me and Sophie
might be having a baby.
436
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,360
No, Jez, me and Sophie
might be having a baby.
437
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:56,320
No, Mark. Me and Sophie
might be having a baby.
438
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,440
About a month ago,
when she came round,
439
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,080
we ended up...
440
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,760
Oh, my God! I knew it!
441
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,760
Everyone is secretly
fucking behind my back!
442
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,200
I'm so sorry.
443
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:10,680
But it's not for certain.
It might still be yours.
444
00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:14,840
Brilliant! I won't throw away my
ticket in the baby raffle just yet!
445
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:18,240
Are you angry?
You had sex with my wife, Jeremy!
446
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,920
That's quite a number, even for you!
447
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:25,400
But, then, on the other hand, I was
definitely having a baby which,
448
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,400
to be honest, wasn't really on
my to-do list for the year.
449
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,640
So, in a way, things are looking up.
450
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,560
Right.
451
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,280
It's such a relief to tell you.
452
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:38,160
God, it's been ever so weird,
ever since it happened.
453
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:42,920
I've had this really bad feeling,
like, in my brain, and...
454
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:47,040
It's guilt, Jeremy.
Most people feel it quite a bit
when they've done something wrong.
455
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,920
This is why you've become
a cult-head, isn't it?
456
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,640
What? Oh, God, no.
457
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:55,640
No, it's a much bigger...journey
than that...
458
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:58,880
Although, I did join up
the day after it happened.
459
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,400
'Do the maths, Jeremy.'
460
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:05,760
Eh, Jared, what's the hold-up, dude?
The incinerator closes at six.
461
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:10,200
Um, sure. It's just...
I've been having a talk with Mark
462
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:14,440
and, um, basically I might have
a big think about the move.
463
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,240
You're having thoughts again.
I've told you about that shit.
464
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:22,240
He's not moving into the compound.
We don't need any of
your orgones here,
465
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,000
Super Hans.
He's staying where he belongs.
466
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,920
You're gonna stay in
the Death Star with Captain Haddock?
He doesn't value you.
467
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,440
He thinks you're a dickhead.
Just because he's a dickhead
468
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:34,200
doesn't mean I'm not his friend.
469
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,040
He may be a dickhead but I'm
showing him how to stop being one.
470
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:40,400
Could you please stop agreeing that
I'm a dickhead! I'm not a dickhead.
471
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:44,320
Look, dickhead or not,
he belongs here, in the real world.
472
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:46,000
You think this is the real world?
473
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:48,920
The elves and the pixies
and fucking Merlin?
474
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:53,920
Well, it's better than asteroids
and tablets and orgones.
475
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:56,240
Whoops!
476
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,520
Right, you fucker.
477
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,800
No! Stop!
478
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,800
No, Super Hans, not the new TV.
479
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:08,280
It's bullshit. It's just a
meaningless object of attachment.
480
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:09,720
Yeah, but it's HD ready!
481
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,120
It's HD ready!
482
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:12,840
Hans! No!
483
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:18,840
Whoops!
484
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:22,600
Right! That is it, Hans!
Fuck off! Just fuck off, all right?
485
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:23,760
All right...
486
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:28,840
Stay and watch your negative
orgone level hit the fucking roof
if you want.
487
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,280
I'm going clear.
488
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:32,560
'Oh, God, he's broken a TV.
489
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,560
'I might be a father...
He's broken a TV!'
490
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:38,520
Jesus, man, I am so sorry.
491
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:42,560
Don't worry.
Home insurance, my friend.
492
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:46,080
Finally, it's payback time.
493
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:47,640
Yeah? Yeah.
494
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:51,040
We'll get a new telly,
even bigger than this one.
495
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:55,120
And...what about the...issue?
496
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:58,760
Well, if Sophie continues down
her path towards self-destruction,
497
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:01,520
we'll end up adopting
like a couple of gay dads, anyway.
498
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,400
We won't need to find out
whose it is. Right.
499
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:08,000
Who knows? Who the fuck even cares?
500
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:09,240
Exactly.
501
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:10,520
'Oh, Jesus.'
502
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,040
'Oh, Jesus.'
503
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:30,560
with the moles
39453
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