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1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:07,280
This programme contains
strong language.
2
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:22,440
Oh, man, record company meeting.
Finally!
3
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:23,920
Yeah, but we got to watch it.
4
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,880
A lot of these bastards just want
to give you an advance,
5
00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:29,920
promote your stuff,
then make a profit for them and you.
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00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:32,160
Yeah, but we've got an in.
Pej's sister's mate in
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00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:36,480
the legal department. Once you're
inside legal, that's it. Game over.
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00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,280
Jeremy. Super Hans. I'm Cally.
9
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,800
Sorry I'm late,
mental in the office.
10
00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:44,240
I'm finishing off the
Chemical Brothers' contract.
11
00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:45,960
Chemical Brothers, wow.
12
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:48,040
So, I checked out your stuff on
13
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,200
MySpace and I literally freaked.
Big time.
14
00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:54,480
I was so right to get us on the
Internet. It's gonna be massive.
15
00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:55,600
I keep telling you.
16
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:56,800
Yeah, we'll see.
17
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:58,600
Plus, I love your name.
18
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:02,400
We've changed the name.
We're now Kersey's Metal Hands.
19
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,080
I like it.
20
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,600
So, the good news is
Universal aren't interested.
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00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:08,200
Oh.
22
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,280
But, I'm looking to source
my own acts, branch out,
23
00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:12,840
and I'd love to sign you up.
24
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:15,480
And the timing's perfect
because we're about to start
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00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:17,760
a new financial year. Any questions?
26
00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:20,760
Yeah, there are certain countries
within the European Union
27
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:23,400
I'm barred from entering.
You got a problem with that?
28
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:24,080
No.
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I'm a very sexual performer. Are
you gonna be able to handle that?
30
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:32,720
Yes. So, I want a yes or no
right now. Take your time,
31
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:36,200
but if there's a lot of fucking
about, that for me is a bad sign.
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00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:39,800
Right, OK.
'Wow, we finally met the man.
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00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,280
'And the man is a woman,
and he's hot!'
34
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:43,640
What do you think? Is she for real?
35
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:46,240
I don't know.
It's hard to tell.
36
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,600
She looks like how you might think
one of them might look like.
37
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,280
We don't really know
anything about her.
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00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,280
She scares me.
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00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:53,560
I don't trust her.
40
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:56,040
Let's fucking go for it!
41
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:01,800
Great night out.
You guys know how to celebrate.
42
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,520
'God, we're so horny. We're like
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00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,000
'a pair of porn stars who aren't on
antidepressants or anything.'
44
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,760
So, this is where the magic happens.
45
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:10,800
That's right.
46
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:19,320
And you're the magician...
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00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,320
I guess so.
I'm a bit magic.
48
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,240
Would you be able to
show me some magic?
49
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:25,440
'OK, here we go. God, we are
so hot after the cab. I wonder
50
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:29,040
'if I'll be able to do all the
stuff she was whispering in my ear.
51
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:33,000
'Might need a good foothold
somewhere or a harness.
52
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:36,840
'Is this a good idea?
Drunk sex with my new manager?
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00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:38,960
'Yeah, it's probably a good idea.
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00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,160
'There'd only be a problem
if there were complications.
55
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:42,800
'There aren't going to
be complications. Relax!
56
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:46,320
'Wow, this is definitely happening.
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00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:48,760
'OK, got to focus.
It's very important for
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00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:52,520
'my future career development
that I give my manager an orgasm.'
59
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:55,320
Stop dicking around,
Jeremy, let's get going!
60
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:56,800
'I'd like a bit more foreplay
61
00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:59,040
'but apparently I have to perform
on demand.
62
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,640
'Don't be bitter,
this has got to be great.
63
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:05,440
'Brilliant sex then novelty
bong then watch a film together.
64
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:08,480
'If Mark's got around to buying
a new SCART lead, that is.
65
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:12,240
'Maybe if we got another SCART lead,
I could use it to plug the digibox
66
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:14,880
'in with the VHS player,
record straight onto that.
67
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:17,960
'Or, I could use the analogue
aerial into the video and off that,
68
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,440
'maybe switch around...'
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00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:24,080
Jeremy.
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00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:24,080
Yeah?
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00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:24,080
Do you think this is going well?
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00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,480
Y...yes?
73
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,440
Nope, it's not really working.
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00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,360
Oh, I thought it was.
75
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,560
What's working about it?
76
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,200
Well, now we're talking about it,
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00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:38,160
it is maybe withering under
the lights a little bit.
78
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,320
Let's not kid ourselves,
there's nothing going on here.
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00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,560
We're just two planks of wood
rubbing against each other.
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00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,320
You think?
If you want, I could put a finger...
81
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,240
Let's just forget this ever happened
and get some shuteye, yeah?
82
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,640
Oh, OK.
83
00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:56,880
'This is like the time I made
Mark turn that boring DVD off
84
00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:00,480
'in the middle. The Killing Fields.
This is probably how he felt.
85
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,400
'Frustrated and horny.'
86
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,480
'Jeremy's getting a manager,
I'm getting divorced.
87
00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:11,160
'Maybe he'll end up happy
and successful and I won't.
88
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,280
'That would be typical.
I do everything society demands
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00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,320
'and die in a ditch,
90
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:18,280
'he sits on his arse and accidentally
shits a golden egg.'
91
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:22,120
You must be Mark.
I'm Cally, got any OJ?
92
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,040
Yeah, I think there's
some in the fridge.
93
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:28,840
'Oh, Jesus, hope I'm not wearing the
boxers with the button missing.
94
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,200
'Don't think so, I have coverage.'
95
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,000
Tropicana, nice, screw
the rest, get the best.
96
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:37,440
I like Original, Jeremy prefers
Smooth, but I'm the one buying.
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00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,760
Don't tell me he's a smooth
peanut butter man too?
98
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,880
That's right.
It isn't as good, is it?
99
00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,520
'Is there a button there?
100
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:47,760
'Sitting's gonna pull
the thing wide open if not.
101
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,880
'Maybe it's sexy.
Little glimpse of ballsack.'
102
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:54,760
My date tomorrow night's cancelled
on me. He's back with his ex.
103
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,240
But I thought...
Aren't you and Jeremy...?
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00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,360
Oh, Jeremy and I aren't dating,
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we're strictly business.
Aren't we, Jeremy?
106
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,160
Um...yeah.
107
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,840
He's great, but he's
really not my type.
108
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:10,360
Jeremy's the kind of guy who talks
the talk, but when it comes down
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00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:14,960
to it, he's just never gonna
deliver the goods. Isn't that right?
110
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,280
It's so frustrating.
111
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:20,480
There must be thousands of cash rich
and time poor singles out there.
112
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I just don't have
the time to meet them.
113
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:25,840
I'm a gap in the market.
Somebody fill me!
114
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,600
'I'll fill you!
I love you, Cally, you are the one!
115
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,840
'Let's get married by
Sir Alan Sugar and live off
116
00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:33,800
'all-butter croissants
in Canary Wharf!'
117
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:37,280
Better make a move. So, Jez, good
news. I'm sending them a CD,
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00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,720
but looks like you're playing
the new Axe Tent at Festivus.
119
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:42,600
Really?! Festivus!
120
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:46,000
I'm playing
the Wolverhampton Festivus.
121
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Oh my God, Mark, I'm in the money.
122
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,680
Everything's gonna be all right,
I am going to be a legend.
123
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,840
And you and all of this depressing
shit will just be a little footnote
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00:05:55,880 --> 00:06:01,080
in the massive biog of how rich
and fucked up I eventually became!
125
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,200
Oh, man,
we're actually going on tour.
126
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,000
It's gonna be brutal. On the way
here I was almost wishing
127
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,760
I was gonna get hit by a bus.
Put my body safe, so I didn't
128
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,840
have to suffer the pure fucking
hell I'm gonna put it through.
129
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:18,520
What stash have you brought?
130
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:18,520
What, you kidding? A band
does not take a stash to a fest.
131
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,560
You are a VI motherhumping P.
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00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:25,440
Just open your gob and someone
will slip in something tasty.
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00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:29,120
A pill, a nipple,
bit of fried halloumi, lovely!
134
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,720
Cool. What's those? Something
a bit red hot for down time?
135
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,680
Don't pigeonhole me, dude.
136
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,520
Barchester Chronicles.
137
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,080
Ecclesiastical politics
when you're high.
138
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:41,880
These guys really knew how to do
a fucking number on each other.
139
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,680
Hello, hello.
Room for one more?
140
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,880
No. What?
141
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:48,440
Managed to get a couple of days off
142
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,640
round the weekend.
So thought I'd tag along.
143
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,560
But, no, Mark. We're going on tour.
144
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:57,160
We're going to get fucked up, monged
out and messed up and dipped over.
145
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,200
We wanna wallow in
our own filth, Mark.
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00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,840
Have a good old fucking wallow.
147
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:03,360
But I've bought
a tour jacket especially.
148
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,640
It's leather. It has lapels
so I can wear it to work.
149
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,480
Yeah, if you start
working for the Gestapo.
150
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,640
Look, man, we're a rock band, yeah?
151
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:14,760
If people see us hanging out with
a doink like you, not being rude...
152
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:15,840
You are being rude.
153
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:19,000
..then that takes away a hell
of a lot of our credibility.
154
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:20,640
You got a bloody suitcase on wheels.
155
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,560
Real men don't get the earth to help
carry their luggage, mate.
156
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:24,840
They carry it themselves.
157
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,600
This is because of Cally, isn't it?
158
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:29,960
That's why you want to come. You're
trying to have a pop at the champ.
159
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:35,120
No, not at all. I've always been a
big supporter of you and your music.
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00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:39,360
Please, Jez. I'm getting divorced,
I need something to pep me up.
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00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,600
I could do with a roadie.
162
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:43,400
Someone to pick
the lovelies after the gig.
163
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,160
Hump the gear.
Sniff out the street chat.
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00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:50,440
Exactly. Drugs, birds, and physical
labour. Them's me specialties.
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00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:55,280
All right, you can come, but
all the time while we're on tour,
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00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:58,120
you will need to shut up. All right?
167
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:06,920
'Look at her go. Two phones,
spare battery for her Blackberry.
168
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,560
'No "I'm out of juice bullshit"
169
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,920
'from her!
She is so the one.'
170
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,480
So, guys, good news about Festivus.
171
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,400
They listened to your CD and they
loved it
172
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,440
and now they don't want you
to play the Fest.
173
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:19,440
What?
174
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:23,000
And the brilliant thing is,
I've pulled in a massive favour
175
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,240
and I've got you on the bill
at Life '08 -
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00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,760
one of the fastest growing
Christian rock festivals out.
177
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,360
Christian?
178
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,400
You've booked us to
play a Jesus fest?
179
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:32,720
It's a great circuit to get on.
180
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,600
What do you think, Jez?
It is still a fest.
181
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,760
Yeah, but we're cool.
We've got credibility.
182
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,200
But if we play a Jesus gig,
we'll be selling our souls.
183
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,440
Yeah, but Jesus is the best person
to sell your soul to.
184
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:45,880
That's his whole set up.
185
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:47,400
I vote you go for it.
186
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,720
Well, I vote no. Let's call it off.
187
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,560
OK, one V one. Mark?
188
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:52,920
Well, from a business
point of view...
189
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,440
"Well,
from a business point of view!"
190
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,520
Since when did the roadie
have voting rights?
191
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:59,680
I don't come round to your work and
tell you how to run your sweat shops
192
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,000
in Burma. Keep your beak out.
193
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:04,480
Super Hans, looks like
you've got the casting vote.
194
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,920
Executioner's Bong did
a bit of Christo.
195
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,960
Now they all live in a fuck-off
bungalow in Fort Lauderdale
196
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,800
eating cherry pie and banging
cheerleaders. I'm in.
197
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:15,040
I think you made the right decision.
198
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,200
"I think you made
the right decision!"
199
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:21,760
Jeremy, we agreed not to do
the funny voices after That Week.
200
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,600
Drink, drink, drink, drink!
201
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:30,240
'Two litres of supermarket cola.
I'd like to see Sting do this.'
202
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,200
Drink, drink, drink!
203
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,560
That is one serious
caffeine injection, my friend.
204
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,200
Yeah, man. It's not such a drag
the fest being strictly
205
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,120
drink and drugs free after all,
is it?
206
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,360
Word up.
But we still get monged.
207
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,320
Just have to use our imagination.
208
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,880
What are you...Hans, are you?
209
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,160
Head rush.
210
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,200
Safe!
211
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,800
Hi, could you give my mate's
CD to your record company?
212
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,040
'Hm, sexy Christian disciples.'
213
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,720
Groupies. What are you gonna do?
214
00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:58,760
She's not really a groupie.
215
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,000
She spoke to the group,
she's a groupie.
216
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,160
Hey, hold on, girls,
217
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,240
we're gonna make a spliff out of
nutmeg and banana peel.
218
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:09,440
Plus, the shit under my fingernails
probably got loads of gear in it.
219
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:13,680
It's great they're doing this.
You know the download market alone
220
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,040
for Christian rock is
estimated at 40 million plus.
221
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,720
I actually put together
a bit of research.
222
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,360
Wow, ringbinding, laminated cover,
223
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,080
copyright symbol,
I'm impressed, Mark. Thank you.
224
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:25,320
This is interesting.
225
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:28,720
Tell me what you thought of
the rehearsal today. Honestly.
226
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,040
Actually, one thing did occur.
227
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:36,640
Not wanting to be horrible to Jeremy
but Super Hans did seem more like
228
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,280
the kind of person you'd expect to
see in a band like this.
229
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:40,760
He's fuckable.
230
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:41,760
I'm sorry?
231
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,000
It's an industry term, it means
someone might want to fuck him.
232
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:48,040
Interesting. Forefront
Super Hans, sideline Jeremy.
233
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,360
No, I didn't mean...I just meant...
234
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:54,200
I thought you were a business brain
but you're better than that.
235
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:57,040
You're what my grandma would
call a real piece of shit.
236
00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:58,960
Yeah?
237
00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:58,960
It's a great plan.
238
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,560
Hans is the star, Jeremy's a
second stringer. Let's fuck him.
239
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:06,000
That's our dick, that's Jeremy's
arsehole, we're fucking him.
240
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,080
Look, Cally,
we don't have a shared dick.
241
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,440
Not yet, anyway.
242
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,160
How do you mean?
243
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,520
Do you want to date?
Are you a dater?
244
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:18,560
I have been out with women.
245
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,680
Friend of mine's doing a little talk
over at a hippie shop in Ludlow,
246
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,560
said I might pop in. Wanna come?
247
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,800
OK. Sure.
248
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,600
'Wow, I've got a date.
249
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,920
'I'm a real piece of shit.
250
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,760
'I bet those two things go hand in
hand. Bet if I got into defrauding
251
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,680
'pensioners the pussy would
really start rolling in.'
252
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:39,920
Oh my God.
253
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,080
I'm so embarrassed
I brought you to this.
254
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:45,000
Past life regression -
what a load of bullshit!
255
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,000
It's fine, it was fun.
256
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,960
People always say they were
Napoleon or an Aztec princess.
257
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,280
Come on, guys, where are
all the Chinese peasants,
258
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:55,680
where are the German toilet cleaners?
259
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:59,960
'God, I can't believe I'm
dating someone I really like.
260
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,720
'I've done it right!
I've done it right for once!'
261
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:06,760
Hey, check out the crystal skulls.
262
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:09,640
Oh God!
263
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,640
I've read loads of books about them.
264
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:10,760
'She's funny.'
265
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:14,280
They were probably crafted by
the ancient inhabitants of Atlantis
266
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:16,400
and they're powerful
centres of healing.
267
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:18,480
'Is she still joking?'
268
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,800
Oh, right, fascinating...theory.
269
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:26,040
Oh, come on, Mark, the other
stuff, no, but the skulls -
270
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:30,000
how could you possibly make one of
these except by some kind of magic?
271
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,320
In a factory? From glass?
272
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,800
Oh, sure, come on!
Could you make that?
273
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,400
No.
274
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:38,280
Could anyone?
275
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:39,440
Yes.
276
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,560
Look, Mark, this is important to me.
277
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,240
If we're going anywhere,
I need you to tell me
278
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,200
you believe in crystal skulls.
279
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,840
'Please don't make me believe in
them!'
280
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,440
Do you believe?
281
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,760
I do believe in crystal skulls.
282
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,560
And what do you believe about them?
283
00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:03,080
I believe that they were crafted by
the ancient inhabitants of Atlantis
284
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:06,200
and that they're
powerful centres of healing.
285
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:09,040
Yeah, that wasn't so hard, was it?
286
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,320
'Sorry, science, sorry,
enlightenment.
287
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:13,880
'Sorry, logic.'
288
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,920
'Well, that was great.
289
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:21,680
'Apart from the crystal skull sending
out its invisible rays of bullshit,
290
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,480
'I think that might be my
best ever sexual experience!'
291
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,920
OK, I think we have to have a talk.
About the whole thing.
292
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,600
I'm sorry, the whole...?
293
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,240
The whole sexual experience.
294
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:35,120
I have to say
that was very disappointing.
295
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,360
Oh, right.
296
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:41,720
I don't mean to be rude but is that
the kind of thing you usually do?
297
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,840
Well, I suppose...
298
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:48,120
What exactly did I do wrong?
299
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,680
Well, it was better
than with Jeremy though.
300
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,720
With Jeremy, I had to
stop him in the middle.
301
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,920
You stopped Jeremy in the middle?
302
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:57,920
Sorry, is this weird for you?
Do you want to know?
303
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,000
I do, a bit.
304
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:03,600
He's like a red setter
bounding after a tennis ball.
305
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:08,520
You're like a captain solemnly
going down with his ship.
306
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,280
Well, that's good to know.
307
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,560
But we can try again as long as
you're prepared
308
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,400
for me to tell you exactly
what to do.
309
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,160
That could be a good system.
310
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,560
OK, now I'm gonna take your hand
311
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:23,800
and put it...there.
Are you OK with that?
312
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,000
Yep.
313
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,680
Now, I want you to move
your hand around like this,
314
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,560
you can do that, right, it's easy.
315
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,120
Not a problem.
316
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,800
'Is this humiliating?
317
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:36,760
'It is a bit humiliating.
318
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:40,680
'I guess the upside is that what I
was doing before was humiliating
319
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,480
'in a way I wasn't even aware of.'
320
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,920
OK, good!
Let's begin the sex!
321
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,560
I'll drive.
322
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,280
'Oh my God, this is brilliant!
323
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:53,320
'I'm a sex robot servicing the one.
324
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,840
'I always wondered what my fetish was
and it seems what truly turns me on
325
00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:59,720
'is being basically
absent for most of the sex act.'
326
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,440
'Look at them all, the Christians.
327
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,880
'It's not fair. I could be that happy
if I believed a lot of rubbish.'
328
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:17,080
So listen, Hans and I had a big chat
and we're really into your idea.
329
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:18,600
What idea?
330
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,040
Getting rid of Jeremy.
331
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:24,120
That wasn't... My idea was more
throw a bit more light on Hans
332
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,880
and maybe give Jez a tambourine.
333
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:28,960
Look, imagine
you have a chocolate bar
334
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,880
and half of it was made
of delicious milk chocolate
335
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,240
and the other half
was made of human shit,
336
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,800
wouldn't you just break
off the half made of shit?
337
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:39,280
I really don't think
that's a fair analogy.
338
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,360
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
339
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,040
'Is that Jeremy?
340
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,560
'Is he getting baptised?
341
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,920
'I can't let him out
'of my sight for a minute!'
342
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:51,520
Damn, the contract, the
Chemicals have read the appendix.
343
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,360
I need to get on this.
I've got to get back.
344
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:55,920
Look, would you do me a huge one
345
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,360
and tell Jeremy
he's not playing tonight?
346
00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:59,360
What?
347
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:03,440
No! It's not my job, you're
the manager. I'm just a roadie.
348
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,120
It'll be better coming from you.
349
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,840
You'll say better lies
about him not being terrible.
350
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:11,040
Plus, I might not make the gig.
Pick you up at five.
351
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:16,520
'God, I'm the messenger.
Somebody please shoot the messenger!'
352
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,520
Hey, Mark! I just got baptised.
353
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,240
This is Ronnie, he was my baptiser.
Thanks, Ronnie.
354
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:22,480
Peace be with you, Jeremy.
355
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,480
Yeah, peace be with you too, Ronnie.
356
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,560
The organisers were pretty keen for
me to get it done before the show.
357
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,880
Initially I was a bit iffy
but then I thought,
358
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,880
you know, gig in front
of hundreds of people, fuck it!
359
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:32,760
Plus, there's like maybe a 1% chance
360
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,720
that the whole Jesus thing
could be true. Sorry, Ronnie.
361
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:40,600
In which case, I've got something to
pull out the bag on Judgment Day.
362
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,600
Yes...right.
363
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:44,560
'Just walk him into the car park and
shoot him in the back of the head.
364
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,400
'I'm Tony Soprano,
he's an FBI stripper.'
365
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,760
I'm really looking forward
to the gig tonight after all.
366
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:52,600
If Super Hans is into it,
then I'm into it.
367
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,400
Everything's finally
coming together,
368
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,680
everything's finally,
definitely gonna be OK!
369
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:01,200
'Oh God, he's on a raft,
floating towards Niagara Falls,
370
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:04,040
'flicking through Heat magazine
with one hand down his trousers.
371
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:05,400
'I've got to tell him.'
372
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,760
Look, Jez.
373
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,320
There's something I need to tell you.
374
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:13,000
It's not good news.
375
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,640
Cally told me...
376
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,520
She and Super Hans, they want...
377
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,400
You're out of the band.
378
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,120
Me, out of the band?
379
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,040
What the fuck?
380
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,360
'Might slip this one under the rug
while he's still reeling.'
381
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:33,200
Yeah, cos we're going out,
and she told me she'd had this idea,
382
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:35,880
and I said, "No, don't."
That's literally what I said...
383
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:37,440
You're screwing Cally?
384
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,360
I'm out of the band?
385
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,200
They can't just do
this to me, can they?
386
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,640
'Seemed to get away
with the Cally thing.'
387
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,080
Well, you'll have
to break up with her.
388
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,080
What? Oh...
389
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,280
No, Jez.
390
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:48,840
She's trying to shaft me, Mark.
391
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,000
You've got to dump her,
it's a no-brainer.
392
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:54,360
It is not a no-brainer.
I'll have to think about it.
393
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:58,880
It's a brainer, it's a real brainer.
See, the thing is...
394
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:02,800
I don't think I've ever
done sex right before.
395
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,600
You're fine, mate.
Just stick with missionary.
396
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,320
You're a sexual civilian.
Leave the disgusting stuff to me.
397
00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:10,160
Cally's teaching me.
398
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,000
She... She gives me second-by-second
399
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,680
detailed instructions of
what to put where for how long.
400
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,840
That's cheating.
401
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,600
Anyone can please a woman
if she tells you what to do.
402
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,920
You're not allowed to ask,
that's the whole point.
403
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,320
Look, if I break up with her,
404
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:27,160
I don't see myself
having good sex ever again.
405
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,720
Unless I'm, like,
going on holiday to Hawaii
406
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,280
and the plane crashes
and all my fellow survivors
407
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,120
are women sex therapists
on their way to a conference.
408
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:38,440
Even then, there'll probably be loads
of male sex therapists there too,
409
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,240
and they'd love that,
wouldn't they?
410
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,600
All fucking each other
and giving each other tips
411
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,040
while I sit on a rock,
wanking and crying.
412
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,120
Yeah, all right, man, whatever.
Let's talk to Hans.
413
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:49,360
If we can get him onside
414
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,320
maybe you can keep
your pathetic nookie lessons going.
415
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:56,880
So, did Cally tell you
about her and me much?
416
00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:01,120
No. God, no. Don't worry.
Nothing like that.
417
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,280
'She stopped him in the middle!
I'll save that for a rainy day.
418
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:06,800
'That's money in the bank.'
419
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,560
Right, what the fuck's going on?
420
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:13,320
Where's Cally?
421
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:14,960
Why have you got drugs?
422
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,800
Cally came through
with a bit of herb
423
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,800
the Christos keep on the down-low.
424
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,120
Bishop weed.
425
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:25,440
Cally told Mark I'm out of the band.
What the hell's going on?
426
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,880
It's a disgrace.
I'm cut up about it.
427
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:32,240
I told Cally, I said, "For me,
this is almost a resigning matter."
428
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,280
Right. So, are you gonna walk?
429
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,280
Almost did, mate.
430
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:37,840
Almost fucking did.
I kicked off big time.
431
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:41,280
But then I thought,
"Maybe I can work from the inside.
432
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,680
"No point both of us getting
kicked out of the band."
433
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:44,680
But we are the band.
434
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,600
Look, all I'm hearing
is that you're out of the band.
435
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:50,240
That's what everyone's saying,
that's all I'm hearing.
436
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,280
"Jez is out the band."
437
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,280
Now you're saying it.
438
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:55,400
I'm quoting. Look, man.
I'm really gutted,
439
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:59,440
but me and Tara want to kick back
with a bit of Barchester.
440
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,000
So maybe you should fuck off.
441
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,920
Right. If that's
the way it is, fine.
442
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,720
Can I take a bit of drugs?
443
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,560
Love to, mate. Love to.
444
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:14,720
But this is all mine and I
want it all, so... Got to be a no.
445
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,080
Fucking hell.
446
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,960
Maybe it's for the best, though, Jez.
447
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:25,360
Maybe solo you can do all the
things you've always wanted.
448
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,360
That rap thing with Howard Marks.
449
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,200
I've got to talk to Cally,
talk her round.
450
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:31,600
You can be my spin-doctor,
tell her why I'm brilliant,
451
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,480
why I'm so essential to the band.
452
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,400
OK, sure.
453
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,440
Just remind me again
why you are so brilliant?
454
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:42,520
I mean, I know why
but it's good to have soundbites.
455
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:46,440
Cally? Cally?
456
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:51,520
No, Jeremy, you can't just...
457
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:56,280
'Shit. He's entering the chamber, the
sacred chamber of satisfactory sex.'
458
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,480
Jeremy, let's just go.
459
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:02,000
Or you could leave her
a very frank note.
460
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,000
Or...
461
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:04,920
We could piss on something.
462
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:04,920
No, Jez.
463
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,120
Yes, Mark. Come on, it's all fucked.
464
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:10,520
This is rock'n'roll. She
screwed me over, now it's her turn.
465
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,600
Let's fuck this place up.
We're the hammer of the gods!
466
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,960
'Oh yeah, take that, teabag tin.'
467
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:20,000
Jez, no!
468
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,000
She smashed my dreams,
let's smash her caravan!
469
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,040
Come on!
470
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,920
'I could make the best of it,
go for a freebie on the skull.
471
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:30,480
'He'll get the blame, I'll
bank mate points. I'm golden.
472
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:33,080
'Ha ha! Unlucky, pal. I win!'
473
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:35,000
Oh, fuck!
474
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,720
'The revenge of Atlantis.'
475
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:38,280
Oh, this feels good.
476
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:40,920
This just feels so right, you know?
477
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,200
Jez, how long are you gonna keep
going with the orgy of destruction?
478
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,880
Cos I'd rather not be here
when she turns up.
479
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:50,080
Oh, yeah, man. No, you go.
I'm gonna stay.
480
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,760
I'm gonna see the look on her face.
481
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,720
No-one screws with the Jez man.
482
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:58,720
'Hope she's not too upset.
483
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:03,000
'Fuck it, if it's healing powers
are so legendary, it can fix itself.'
484
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:08,920
'Christian security?
485
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,960
'What's he gonna do,
excommunicate me?
486
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,040
'Yeah, this is gonna be good.
Rub her double-crossing face in it.'
487
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,560
Jez, I've been looking
for you everywhere.
488
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:17,800
I'm sure you have.
489
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,880
I got a call from Super Hans.
He's having an ego attack.
490
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,240
He's driving to Festivus
with all the windows down,
491
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:24,920
shouting his own name.
492
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:29,640
Reckons he's gonna make a supergroup
out of Hard-Fi and Kaiser Chiefs.
493
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,640
He's talked about that before.
494
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,320
So the thing is,
do you want to play the gig, solo?
495
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,560
Well, yes!
496
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,160
Brilliant. So, let's talk set lists.
497
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,000
There's something you should know.
498
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:41,160
'Am I actually gonna do this?'
499
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,440
Mark. He went mental.
500
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,360
Oh, my God!
501
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:48,680
It's a mess.
502
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,600
What the hell happened?
503
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:52,560
Yeah, this is classic Mark,
I'm afraid.
504
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:54,800
He does this sort of thing
the whole time.
505
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:59,480
He's passive aggressive. He won't
say anything, he just smashes.
506
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,880
But my skull, my crystal skull!
507
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:04,560
Yeah. He hates the skulls.
508
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:08,280
He smashed it and then cut
his hand in a kind of mad fury.
509
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:09,920
God, how could he?
510
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,520
Well, he hates being told
what to do in bed.
511
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:16,680
He hates you
for pushing me out of the band.
512
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:21,080
I was, like, "Dude, these things
happen." But he was like, "No!"
513
00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:23,800
That's when he did the eggs.
514
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:23,800
Really?
515
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:27,320
Yeah. He's weird,
twisted, vindictive.
516
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:29,600
He draws horrible cartoons of you
517
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,680
and then wraps them up
in sausage meat
518
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:34,520
and calls you a sausage-muncher.
519
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,040
Jesus!
520
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:39,040
On the bright side,
he wanted to shit on the sofa,
521
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:40,400
but I managed to stop him.
522
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,040
'First proper gig.
523
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:48,960
'Dicked over Mark, but that's fine.
524
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,640
'This is worth it.
He's what it's all about.
525
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,720
'He's having a great time.'
526
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,400
'Ah, there she is.
527
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,960
'Leaving with the one.
528
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:03,840
'Not a bad weekend, all told.
529
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:07,160
'Got myself a girlfriend,
had the best sex of my life,
530
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:10,520
'did my bit to delay the
dawning of the Age of Aquarius
531
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:13,080
'with my trusty friend,
the house brick.
532
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:16,000
'She's giving me the finger.
533
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,280
'The one is giving me the finger.
534
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:21,760
'Ah, yes, that's more like it.
The one is gone.
535
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:25,720
'The familiar gut-punch of pain
and confusion is back.
536
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,240
'Hello, old friend.'
42862
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