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1
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:16,840
With strong language and
adult humour.
2
00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:20,200
That smells good.
3
00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:22,520
Is that a Cumberland sausage?
4
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:25,440
It's my birthday week
so I'm being nice to myself.
5
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:27,680
That's an onion gravy, isn't it?
6
00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:31,280
I thought I'd throw a party
and in advance of the party
7
00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:32,840
I'm going to go speed dating.
8
00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:35,160
It'd be great
to get a date lined up.
9
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,080
Speed dating? And a party?
10
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,480
Mark, you know that if
you end up a basket case,
11
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:42,960
I'm the one who'll have to wheel you
around the National Army Museum.
12
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:47,080
Look at us, Jez, we're letting
our lives slip through our fingers.
13
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,440
Maybe you don't care,
but I need to get out there
14
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:52,040
and I'm never going to meet a woman
in a pub or a nightclub
15
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:55,960
or an art gallery or book shop,
or any other formal or informal
social gathering.
16
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:57,520
It's just not going to happen.
17
00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,640
D'you think you're going
to eat all that?
18
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,320
I don't know. It's a bit too much
19
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:04,320
but I'm hoping if I eat it quickly,
my stomach won't notice.
20
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:07,480
I'm hungry.
21
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:10,120
That is not my problem.
22
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,800
'I'm the skinny one,
I need food more than him.
23
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:17,600
'Yeah, I might just Robin Hood
this baby.
24
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:21,760
'He's such a tightarse,
won't even replace the wide screen.
25
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,760
'How are they supposed to
brainwash me with their adverts
26
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,680
'if I can't even see them properly?'
27
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,000
Recognise this, Jeremy?
28
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:31,000
I went to get the Cherry Garcia out
to defrost
29
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:32,960
and look what I found inside.
30
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,800
"Look, I know what you think
happened
31
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,560
"and you're right,
I have eaten all your ice-cream."
32
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,320
This is it, this is the line.
You've crossed the line.
33
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:43,120
Read the mitigating circumstances.
There are loads.
34
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:45,440
A sausage has gone!
35
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,520
Oh, my God, Jeremy.
36
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:50,840
A sausage is missing!
Is this what it's come to?
37
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:54,520
I've got to carry my food around
with me now, to stop you from...
38
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:57,480
Right, well, I'm sorry,
you've driven me to this.
39
00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:58,640
What are you doing?
40
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,160
I'm making a list of
all the household items
41
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,200
that you have permission to consume.
42
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,720
Oh, for God's sake.
43
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,880
Toilet paper, OK. Soap, OK.
But not shower gel.
44
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,680
And no razors.
45
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,880
If you're poor, grow a beard.
46
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:14,160
Tea bags are allowed, within limits.
47
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:15,520
Limits? What limits?
48
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:17,880
No making a pie out of tea
or anything weird.
49
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,680
Look, Mark, lay off, will you?
50
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:24,960
The thing is, and I keep...
meaning to tell you this
51
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,960
but basically a few years ago
Mummy gave me a nest egg
52
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,720
and I kept on meaning to invest
53
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,720
but it turns out I've spent it.
54
00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:36,240
You ate your nest egg?
55
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:39,680
You're meant to sit on your
nest egg till it hatches,
56
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:42,640
not eat it like some
greedy, mad chicken.
57
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,760
Well, the solution's obvious.
Get a job.
58
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,560
Yeah, fine, whatever, but
it's difficult, you know?
59
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,360
There just aren't that many
media positions out there.
60
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:52,440
That's the reality.
61
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:55,200
So? Do something else,
get on your bike.
62
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,560
I can't believe you're trying to
make me get a job not in the media.
63
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,120
You're such a bastard.
64
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:03,320
You have to pay rent,
Jeremy, that needs to happen.
65
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,480
Put the sausage back.
I'm deadly serious.
66
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:13,040
You never pay any rent. If you start
stealing from me as well, that's it,
67
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,680
you'll have to move out.
This is the final straw.
68
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:22,400
'Mmm! Delicious Cumberland final
straw, dripping in onion gravy.'
69
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:27,560
'Ugh, speed dating,
that was horrible.
70
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:30,400
'No-one else seemed to mind.
Maybe this is the future.
71
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:34,120
'Three-minute date, three-minute
fuck, three-minute marriage.'
72
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:35,280
Mark Corrigan.
73
00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:39,480
We've collated all your
ticks and crosses with
the girls' ticks and crosses.
74
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,960
The results are in.
What does the swingometer say?
75
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:45,000
Well, I'm afraid you've
got no matches for dating.
76
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:49,000
What? None? But number 23 said she
was definitely going to tick!
77
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,080
That's a verbal contract!
78
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,280
Well, maybe you could
take her to court.
79
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,520
Speed dating, I'd be
better off speed skating.
80
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,520
'Doesn't really work
but she gets the point.
81
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:03,080
'I'm just another reject slowly
slipping out of the gene pool
82
00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:05,560
'to get hoovered up
by the sex industry.'
83
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:11,320
'Oh, Saz, she implied
she might be ticking.
84
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:15,880
'Maybe she did tick, maybe the data
wasn't collated correctly.
85
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,480
'Maybe she's my hanging chad.'
86
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,760
Hi, remember me?
87
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:22,480
Um...
88
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:25,040
Mark, we had a three-minute date
about 15 minutes ago.
89
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:28,240
Yeah, sorry, sorry,
I'm just a bit all over the place.
90
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:31,680
I just got a message from this guy
I just split up with. He wants me
91
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,880
to move all my stuff out of his
apartment by the end of the week.
92
00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:37,000
We only just split up on Tuesday.
What a knob.
93
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,480
That's terrible, but...Budvar?
94
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,160
Yeah, great!
95
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,160
'I'm buying her a drink.
96
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,600
'Got to order before
someone nicks my idea.'
97
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,880
'Yeah, I'll get on my bike.
98
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,480
'My bike's my big dick.'
99
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,120
Jeremy Osborne?
100
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,680
'Wow, she's hot.
101
00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,720
'Maybe she's a sort of warm-up act.'
102
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:57,600
Cubicle three.
103
00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,640
Great, thanks.
104
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,120
Listen, I just wanted to say
I'm sorry.
105
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,360
What for?
106
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,440
For what goes on through there.
107
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,480
I just want to assure you
108
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:12,240
that I'm not the same as the rest
of these feckless cum-shedders.
109
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:17,080
So, if you ever need anyone for a...
110
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:20,080
private donation,
you've got my details.
111
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:26,440
'Oooh, bit creepy. Spermy
atmosphere is cramping my style.
112
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:29,000
'Right. Time to open
my sticky bank account.'
113
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:32,320
'Hey, where's the porn? No porn?
114
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,120
'Am I supposed
to just dry hump myself?
115
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,480
'Must be something I could use?
116
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,040
'Would it be wrong?
117
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,600
'Why not? It's a free country.
118
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:48,520
'OK, Queeny, it's back in the '50s,
you're nice and young,
119
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:52,480
'you've just been coronated,
I'm taking off your cloak.
120
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,360
'No, leave the crown on.
121
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,080
'Ooh, what's this, stockings?
122
00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:00,680
'You've been getting through your
nylon ration book pretty quickly,
123
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,240
'you naughty, sexy Queen!
124
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,280
'Oh, shit.
125
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,000
'Right, here we...
126
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,120
'Oh. Elgar?!
127
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,960
'Oh, I've totally lost it now.
128
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,800
'Thanks a bunch, Elgar'
129
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:18,560
'What's my stuff doing in the hall?'
130
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,960
Jez, I didn't realise
you'd be back so soon.
131
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,360
You're redecorating.
Oh, you felt bad about before.
132
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,800
That's nice. Not sure about that
for the ceiling colour,
133
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,000
but then it's not me that looks
at that - it's the chicks, right?
134
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:31,520
Right.
135
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:34,680
The thing is, it's not for you,
mate, it's for Saz.
136
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,680
Sorry? Saz? Saz who?
137
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:38,760
What Saz?
138
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,480
Hi!
139
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,840
Saz is having that room,
I've invited Saz to move in.
140
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,800
What the fuck? You're kicking me out?
141
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:50,560
Not right away. You can stay on
the sofa until you find a new place.
142
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:54,160
It's just not viable for you to
take up a whole room for free.
143
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:58,160
What? And what do you call this,
exactly?
144
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,720
A loaf of delicious
Vogel linseed bread.
145
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,560
Benecol margarine, soya milk, marrow?
146
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:11,480
What's wrong with linseed bread and
marzipan and Ryvita and radishes?
147
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,320
It's continental.
148
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:16,600
I know why you're buying it,
because you know I don't like it.
149
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,160
But you don't like it either.
150
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,760
If you're going to steal my food,
Jeremy, I prefer you not to enjoy it
151
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,760
and not enjoying it myself
is a small price to pay.
152
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,240
Look, if you had some career
153
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:29,800
other than wanking into a cup, maybe
you could buy food and pay the rent.
154
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:30,720
What's she paying, then?
155
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,760
Saz? Well, nothing...i-initially.
156
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:39,280
But, Jeremy, look, the thing is,
I think she might be the one.
157
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,600
And I could never win
with a woman like that
158
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:45,640
on the sexual battlefield, but
in here, I can pipe in Barry White
159
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:50,280
while she's asleep, pretend I need
a back rub, fall asleep on her lap.
160
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,760
Right, so that's what it
comes down to, is it?
161
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:56,040
You don't want to bone me,
so I'm out. It's that brutal.
162
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,840
Have you seen the old man
down by the seamen's mission?
163
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:02,440
Yes, not very fuckable, is he? Screw
him. That's what it is, isn't it?
164
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,960
'OK, Sophie due over tomorrow
for the break-up handover.
165
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,600
'Nothing too heavy.
Olives, crispbreads, dips.
166
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,480
'These are the heartbreak snacks.
167
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,080
'No stewed ribs
or chocolate dildos.'
168
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:18,520
You all right, Marco?
169
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,200
Listen, I've just got
a couple of mates around
170
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,400
and we're getting smashed,
is that cool?
171
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:27,320
Brilliant. I was going to ask if
you might be able to make yourself
scarce tomorrow night.
172
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:28,800
I've got a bit of ex stuff.
173
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:31,800
Yeah, whatever.
Hey, listen, Marco,
174
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:35,320
you wouldn't have any fucking
nose powder on the sly, would you?
175
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:36,600
No, I don't really...
176
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:39,360
Why don't you run out and
get us some coke, eh, Marco?
177
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,520
Go on, get us some coke, you big
freak. Then we can sit around
178
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:45,600
watching your porno collection!
179
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,600
To be honest, I don't
really know where to get coke
180
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,840
and I don't have a porno collection.
181
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:54,040
Sure you do, you're getting a chubby
just thinking about it,
182
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:57,960
aren't you, mate?
You filthy little dirt box!
183
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:01,160
Hey, man, Marco's got a chub on!
184
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,240
LAUGHTER
185
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,360
Come on, girls,
let's get shitfaced.
186
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:11,240
Wow, this is great, isn't it?
Three fun-loving girls in the flat.
187
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:12,280
Anything could happen.
188
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,640
I suppose anything could happen.
189
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:15,560
Anything could happen.
190
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:16,840
They might shag us.
191
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,040
Don't say it, Jeremy.
192
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:21,080
They might shag each other.
193
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,080
There's no need to actually say it.
194
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:24,280
If you say it,
you'll break the spell.
195
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,280
I'll open the tequila.
196
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:24,320
Good idea.
197
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:25,360
DOORBELL
198
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:28,320
This is probably their dealer.
What shall I say to their dealer?
199
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:31,040
Soph.
200
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,760
Hey, Mark.
201
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:37,240
But... The handover's
not till tomorrow night.
202
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,240
I think I would remember, Mark.
203
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,560
No, look, I'll show you in my diary.
204
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,760
See, tomorrow night -
you've got it wrong.
205
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:46,600
Oh, right. Well done, Mark. One
point to you. Sorry. Can I come in?
206
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:47,880
No?
207
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,280
What?
208
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,320
Maybe we should stick
to the appointed...
209
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,760
OK, I guess, if...if you're here.
210
00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:01,080
'OK, let's try and keep this
festival of recriminations brief.'
211
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:04,480
Ignore the girls, they're Jeremy's
girls, they're not my girls.
212
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,520
LAUGHTER
213
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,360
No way! Oh, my God!
214
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,720
Thanks for my stuff.
215
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,920
Here's your stuff. It's so great
that you could come round.
216
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,800
I'll see you in the office, I guess.
217
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,400
I thought the whole point was
we were going to have
218
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:23,360
a bit of an air clear. Unless of
course this is a bad time for you.
219
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,360
'No, not sitting!'
220
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,800
I don't know if I'm
up or down at the moment.
221
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:30,480
Tolly from the office asked
if I wanted to go for a coffee
and I told him to get lost.
222
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:33,320
Then I realised, I've got
to move on at some time, so...
223
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:37,000
Hey, Mark, get back in here
so Lindsey can jerk you off! >
224
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,040
What?
225
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:42,440
No-one's going to jerk me off,
Sophie, it's just a stupid joke.
226
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:46,880
I'm not the one that's going to
jerk you off, she's the one that's
going to jerk you off!>
227
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,240
Please, carry on.
228
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,840
Are you trying to humiliate me?
229
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,720
What? God, no.
230
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:57,000
Mark, come and put your tongue
up Lindsey's arsehole, it's clean!
231
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,400
Yeah, well you seem to have moved on
pretty fucking quick.
232
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:02,920
Look, I'm sorry.
233
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,840
They're Australian, they think
it's all fine. I'm so sorry, Soph.
234
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:10,080
'I don't even want to put
my tongue up anyone's arsehole.'
235
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:16,760
'Ugh. So little sleep.
Third night in a row.
236
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:20,240
'I'm living in Animal House. I don't
want to live in Animal House.
237
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,760
'I want to live in
one of the other houses.
238
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:27,320
'Little House On The Prairie.
Hello, this is more like it.
239
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:31,160
'Sexy girl at breakfast.
Finally getting my bonus ball.'
240
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,520
Morning.
241
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:35,000
What's going on, Marco?
242
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,600
I mean, what the fuck am I doing?
243
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,800
Last night I took all this speed
244
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:45,000
and I copped off with this guy.
I don't even remember his name.
245
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:46,560
'Oh, shit, I'm out of my depth.
246
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,440
'What do I do? Put the kettle on?
247
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:52,200
'The sound of the kettle
might drown out her tears.'
248
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,000
..and everything's just fucked!
249
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,400
'This is my very own
anti-drugs commercial.'
250
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,520
I'll get you a tissue.
251
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:02,440
What the fuck am I doing
in this country anyway?
252
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,880
How are you doing?
253
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:04,880
Terrible.
254
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:07,560
I was in the hall
for most of the night.
255
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,920
What's so funny?
That's what I want to know.
256
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,480
I don't know.
257
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,280
I just think they were...
laughing generally.
258
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:18,200
I don't think they're ever
going to screw us, do you?
259
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,000
No. No, I don't.
260
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,000
When are they going to leave?
261
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:26,400
I might ask Saz to leave.
262
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:30,440
I'll get some money, really I will.
I just need to sleep, Mark.
263
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,280
If they don't go, I might have to go.
264
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:41,520
So, er, Saz, listen,
I've been thinking.
265
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:45,880
It's been
really great having you here
266
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:50,440
but now you've done the South,
the London Eye and the Trocadero,
267
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,760
so you probably want
to be heading up North.
268
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,080
Not really.
269
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:59,080
But there's a Harvey Nichols in
Leeds everyone goes on about as if
that's the answer to something.
270
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:02,040
Look, don't kick me out, Marco.
271
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,560
There's an Anzac Memorial
in Huddersfield.
272
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:10,000
The truth is, I've...actually
started to really like you.
273
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:14,320
You...like me?
274
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,880
Yeah, I...I want to go out with you.
275
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:20,000
Wow. OK, so,
276
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:24,080
I could tell people that...
you were my girlfriend?
277
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:29,520
Well...we might take things slow
to start with, yeah?
278
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:32,520
Sure, but we could still have fun
279
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,760
and watch, you know, Morse,
280
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:40,680
and people could
see us out together,
like at my birthday party on Friday,
281
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,320
and I could put a photo of us
on Facebook?
282
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,560
Sure, all that stuff.
283
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,360
So, can I...stay?
284
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:51,920
Course you can stay.
285
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:59,040
Maybe this could be our song.
286
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,680
Sure, why the fuck not?
287
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,640
MUSIC LOUDER
288
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:07,640
'OK, well, money might not
buy you love, but apparently
289
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,920
'a furnished flat can get you
a reasonable simulation.'
290
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,760
So, when's she moving out?
291
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:18,040
She's actually not moving out
straightaway.
292
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,360
Have you given her a time limit,
because when you chucked me out,
293
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,160
no time limit, and here I still am.
294
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,560
Yes, well, she's...
295
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,440
she's not moving out, because...
296
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,360
we are now a couple.
297
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,240
We've started a relationship.
298
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,960
In the last two minutes?
299
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,720
You can't put a stopwatch
on the human heart, Jeremy.
300
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,760
Romance just blossomed,
in the kitchen.
301
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,360
What's going on?
302
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,640
She is so doing a number on you.
303
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:49,040
This is the fucking limit.
304
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,440
I need to get some sleep, Mark.
305
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,760
But Jez, where are you going?
306
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:56,240
I don't know, Super Hans or
Pedge's houseboat or Big Suze.
307
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:59,040
Jez, Suze is back with Johnson
308
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:03,720
and Pedge's houseboat's never going
to be released from Rotterdam.
309
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,200
Sheesh. What a knob.
310
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,800
'Hope he'll be OK.
311
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,760
'I guess we're moving on.
312
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:15,040
'Yes, it's me and my hired concubine
for a day of sterile conversation
313
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,160
'and sexual frustration.
314
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,080
'Unless I...'
315
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:22,920
You don't, do you,
316
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,920
fancy a bit?
317
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:30,280
I'm not...sure. Um, maybe later?
318
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,040
Of course. Later.
319
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,120
So, as you know, I'm off
to Frankfurt this afternoon.
320
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,120
Now, normally
I'd appoint a caretaker manager.
321
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:48,480
'Oh, Johnson, let me count the ways
how I admire the organisational and
322
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:52,840
'interpersonal skills of thee.
323
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:55,360
'Right in front of me, nice.
324
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:59,080
'Reckon Sophie was
almost definitely the one.
325
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:03,080
'Yep as soon as she's horrible to
me, realise I want her, classic.'
326
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:06,880
Oh, ah! 'The bloody lever's gone!'
327
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,760
Lever, get the lever!
328
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,120
What?
329
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,120
The lever's gone!
330
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:13,280
Mark, are you OK?
331
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:16,320
Ah!
332
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:17,280
Ah!
333
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:22,520
Ah, ow. Oh, wow. Oh, God!
334
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:28,160
And for his next trick, Mr Corrigan
will slide a 2B pencil up his anus.
335
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:29,440
LAUGHTER
336
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,160
'Oh, acute social embarrassment
plus intense physical pain.
337
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,360
'I'm really pushing the envelope.'
338
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,840
Ah.
339
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:39,840
You OK, Mark? What happened?
340
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:42,680
I don't know, I was just
looking at Sophie and then...
341
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,920
Yeah, she could be a bit
more subtle, couldn't she?
342
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,880
Is it right she's
taking Tolly to your birthday?
343
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:49,360
Well, I need the numbers, so...
344
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:55,240
Oh, perhaps it would be better
if you left the self-harming for the
weekends, mate.
345
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,560
Freak.
346
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,440
Nice.
347
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:12,080
Anyway, about the party,
I mean, Scumpy Pete wanted to go with
348
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:16,600
me but I thought, if you wanted, for
moral support, we could go together?
349
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,240
Us?
350
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,360
'Oh, got to choose,
351
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:25,480
'nice geeky Dobbie
or Saz my primetime
newsreader-type girlfriend?'
352
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,520
Dobbie, listen, that's lovely,
353
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:32,840
but the thing is I'm
going with my...girlfriend.
354
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:34,760
You've got a girlfriend?
355
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,720
Don't sound so surprised.
356
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:39,720
OK, well, cool.
357
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:43,080
'Did the right thing there,
pretty sure.
358
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:46,200
'Don't listen to your heart. That's
what no-one tells you, but that's
359
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,320
'probably the real grown up truth.'
360
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:53,720
'OK, I'm homeless and she's
got a home, it's a perfect fit.'
361
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:58,240
Jeremy,
you look terrible, what's going on?
362
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:01,480
Oh, you know, Mark kicked me
out so I don't have anywhere to...
363
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,080
live right now. But I'm actually
really enjoying myself.
364
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,320
Oh, Jeremy, you poor thing.
365
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:09,800
So, listen, I was wondering,
depending on what you're
366
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:14,120
doing and stuff, whether or not
I might come and live with you?
367
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:15,560
You know I'm back with Alan.
368
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,560
Oh, yeah we can get rid of Johnson.
I mean the guy's a dick, so...
369
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:22,760
He takes very good care of me.
370
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,760
I could take very good care of you.
371
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:27,000
I'm not a hobo.
372
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:27,000
Look, Alan's in Frankfurt,
but even so, I really don't
373
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,040
think you could stay here.
374
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:35,000
Listen, my sister runs this men's
refuge, if you just cut yourself
a bit they'd have to letyou in.
375
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:38,360
Yeah?
376
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,360
Yeah, hold on,
I'll just get the number.
377
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,320
'God, look at all this stuff.
378
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:45,200
'Lovely stuff you could steal,
then sell, then eat and...
379
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:48,760
'Is that Johnson's credit card?
With the pin?
380
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,720
'Oh, if someone does that you're
supposed to rob them, aren't you?
381
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,080
'Just one sandwich,
I'll post it right back.'
382
00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,880
'Thank you, Johnson,
got my rotisserie chicken,
got my kilo of extra mature
383
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:05,480
'cheddar, bottle of Crystal, gonna
slip on my headphones, slap a DVD on
384
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:09,840
'the portable and have me a homeless,
hip-hop, cheesy luncheon banquet.
385
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:14,000
'It's a victimless crime. Johnson
will report it stolen, who loses?
386
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:17,240
'Wallace and Gromit? Gromit doesn't
care, Gromit's fine.'
387
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:22,160
Hi, just buying some stuff
if that's OK.
388
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:25,480
< Just tap in your pin for me.
389
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:30,040
'Here we go again. This is so easy.
390
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:33,440
'What's going on? Come on, come on,
come on come on. Why won't it go?
391
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,960
'Nothing's happening.
392
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:39,160
'Shit, I'm gonna get caught,
I'm going to be tasered alive.'
393
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,120
I think your card's
the wrong way round.
394
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,640
Oh, of course, wrong way round
yeah...
395
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:50,280
..my card, my silly card. ..Bad card,
always wrong, aren't you card?
396
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,040
'Calm down, not too much.'
397
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:56,600
And can I get £30...
£50 cash back as well, please?
398
00:19:56,640 --> 00:20:01,280
'8008, that is a nice pin.
399
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:07,200
'Oh, Elgar, why do you always
find me at my lowest points, Elgar?'
400
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:11,840
'Dancing with my
girlfriend at my party,
401
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:15,040
'look at me now, Dad,
look at me now.'
402
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:19,680
Whoa! More music! We want more!
403
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,360
Another drink?
404
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:22,960
Oh, yeah, yeah, fill her up, babe.
405
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,840
'Did she wince? That's not good.
406
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:33,600
'Wincing isn't mentioned
by the Romantic poets.'
407
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:38,360
Hey, Mark, lot of people. Lots of
people I didn't know you liked.
408
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,040
Meat in the room, Gerard,
meat in the room.
409
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:44,880
Bottle of Beck's, please, and...
and a vodka for my girlfriend.
410
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:46,880
Just leave my
girlfriend's drinks here.
411
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,800
I can give it to
my girlfriend later.
412
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,520
Corrigan, nice piece of
arm candy you got there.
413
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:57,200
Do you really think she's the one?
414
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:57,200
Who knows? She could be the one.
415
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,520
Love moves in mysterious ways.
416
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,560
Whoa, hello,
she's getting jiggy to this one.
417
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:07,240
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah she loves
this one, this is one of her faves.
418
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:11,280
Yeah, there, there she goes,
that's that's Saz, that, that...
419
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,680
is Saz all over. That is so her.
420
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,280
Are you OK with that?
421
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,960
Oh, hell, yeah, yeah she's
just having a bit of fun.
422
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,080
She's a minx, isn't she? This
is all a part of our whole thing.
423
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:27,400
We'll probably go home after
this and just really, you know...
424
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:31,040
Have you seen what they're doing?
425
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:34,560
Yes, I've bloody seen what they're
doing and it's fine, all right?
426
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,320
It's cool, Dobs.
427
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:39,640
Look, let's have a funny one,
do you have the Barron Knights?
428
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:40,880
Hey, Mark!
429
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:41,800
Jeremy?!
430
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,000
Happy birthday, man.
431
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:45,240
What's this?
432
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:46,440
Well, you know you're always
433
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:51,360
saying about taking up the violin,
so I thought, now's your chance.
434
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,360
Wow, a violin!
435
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:56,480
Hello, Jeremy.
436
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:56,480
Johnson, what the fuck?
You're in Frankfurt.
437
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,560
Am I?
Well, I hate to contradict you.
438
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,040
How did you afford this, Jeremy?
439
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,080
Well, something's
come through for me.
440
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,040
So, listen, Jeremy, I got
a call today
441
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:09,080
saying that my credit card had
been used to buy various items.
442
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,080
'Oh, shit!'
443
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,920
Including a violin, a Ted Baker suit
and a bass guitar
444
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,040
once played by Sir Paul McCartney
from the Hard Rock Cafe.
445
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:18,200
Yes, naturally,
446
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,760
that's why I was coming to see you,
to let you in on our scam.
447
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:22,960
'Oh, great'
448
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,480
< Our scam?!
449
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:24,480
Yes.
450
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:29,600
I load up on goodies, you put a call
in saying your card's lost, shazam,
451
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:33,320
you get your cash back plus a
little extra, everyone's a winner.
452
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:36,840
No, it's why my APR is at 16%. If it
wasn't for lowlifes like you my
453
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,400
APR would probably be only
around 12%.
454
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:43,360
Alan, I'm sorry, but he's not
a criminal, he's just an idiot.
455
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:44,800
I'm calling the authorities.
456
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:49,520
No, stop!
Alan, I'll pay, I'll pay up for him.
457
00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:53,680
You came that close.
..Let's boogie, baby.
458
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,880
Bloody hell, Jeremy,
you can pay me back in instalments.
459
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,760
OK, fine, everyone wins.
460
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,440
I get my suit, you get your violin.
461
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,480
I don't want a fucking violin.
462
00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,840
I want to learn the clarinet and I
can't and I've already got one.
463
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:11,240
Well, learn the violin as well,
chill out.
464
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:15,480
And now a special request for
Mark, the birthday boy!
465
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,520
Our tune.
466
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,080
Huh, this is our tune.
467
00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:23,680
If you wanna dance with
her, dance with her.
468
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:27,160
'Yes, I've taken this long enough.
469
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,400
'We have an arrangement,
that's my rallying cry.
470
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,440
'We have an arrangement.'
471
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,440
Do you mind if I cut in?
472
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,480
Um, babe,
473
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,240
can you fuck off? I'm kinda busy.
474
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,840
Happy birthday, mate, nice party.
475
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:49,360
'This is it, the worst party ever.
476
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,200
'My misery has peaked.
477
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:57,000
'Oh, no, look at that,
it hadn't peaked.
478
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,360
'Oh, and there's more.
479
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:03,320
'Good, yes, great.
480
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:05,520
'This is all just great.'
481
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:11,320
Maybe we should...if you fancy it?
482
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,880
No, I don't really fancy it.
483
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:23,560
'That's right, dance,
dance the night away,
484
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:25,840
'but you'll pay me back, Jeremy,
485
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:29,480
'even if you end up dancing in
cages at fetish bars.'
38533
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