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1
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:17,840
This programme contains strong
language.
2
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,960
You know, Jez,
3
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:25,920
I've started to get this feeling
that I'm totally, totally fucked.
4
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:29,640
You know? Everything's fucked.
I fucked my wedding.
5
00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:34,120
I fucked up my only relationship.
Everything's just completely fucked.
6
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,760
You have been feeling this
for a while.
7
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:40,000
But now I'm starting to think
that maybe that's a good thing,
8
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:44,640
cos now I can get on and do
everything I've always wanted to do -
9
00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:46,720
join MENSA, learn the clarinet.
10
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,160
I could be a scout leader.
11
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:50,840
Mm-hm.
12
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,200
What are you smiling for?
13
00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,800
Look, scouting is a noble tradition.
14
00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:00,640
You do not have to be a paedo to
wanna work with children, all right?
15
00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:03,920
But it probably helps.
16
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:03,920
Oh, God, that is so...
17
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,880
I spent five happy years
in the Scouts and never once...
18
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,600
You told me
Kinky Layton was all over you.
19
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:13,320
Yeah, all right, Layton was a bit
of a paedo, but not in a bad way.
20
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,720
Just boosting you
over the climbing wall,
21
00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,040
making you run round the camp
in your pants.
22
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:22,440
It was old style paedo-ing,
before it got such a bad name.
23
00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:23,480
DOORBELL RINGS
24
00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:26,560
'Of course, Layton only had eyes
for Duncan Carpenter,
25
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,160
'the doe-eyed little flirt.'
26
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,400
'Who's this? And Sophie's dad.
27
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:35,520
'Little angry tweedy father!
This is a chain-on scenario.'
28
00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:38,280
Hello?
29
00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:40,080
Hi, Jeremy, it's...it's Barney.
30
00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:43,000
Sophie's cousin, remember?
From the wedding?
31
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:47,360
Not really.
32
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:47,360
We went to the car park and we
smoked that dope that I bought...
33
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:51,680
That turned out not to be dope.
34
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,680
Oh, right. Hi.
35
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:56,160
We've just dropped Soph off,
she's going back to work tomorrow.
36
00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:56,160
Is this gonna take long?
37
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:59,280
Oh, no, no, they just
wanted me to deliver this to Mark.
38
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:04,120
It's just the tuna from the wedding.
It's Mark's half.
39
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,120
Come on, Barney, let's go.
40
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,080
Anyway, I remembered
that you were in a band,
41
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:11,440
and basically I've been doing
a little bit of my own music.
42
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,440
Maybe you could take a listen
and tell me what you think?
43
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,360
OK, well, thanks.
Good to see you...
44
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,000
Barney!
45
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:20,680
G... Thanks, Jeremy!
46
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,880
'Mm, why toast when you can roast?'
47
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,400
Another roast?
That's the third today.
48
00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:30,400
What's nicer than a roast?
49
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,400
Yeah, but chain-eating roast?
50
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:31,440
Who was that?
51
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:33,880
Sophie's dad,
and her cousin, Barney.
52
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,280
Barney?
53
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:40,840
It's the wedding tuna. Your half.
54
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:40,840
Oh, what? Really? Heartbreak tuna?
55
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,840
Oh, no, Jez, just bin it!
56
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:46,440
Not literally, there's no need
to be overly dramatic. Freeze it.
57
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,960
See how I feel in six months.
58
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:52,320
So they came all this way
just for the tuna?
59
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:56,720
They were dropping Sophie off. She's
going back to work tomorrow, so...
60
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,720
Sophie's going back to work?!
61
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,560
But that's outside the terms
of the treaty! Six weeks!
62
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:03,200
Six weeks till we go back!
This isn't six weeks, this is three!
63
00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,760
Shit! I've gotta get in there
to stop her lies.
64
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,360
What lies?
65
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,680
That I jilted her at the altar.
66
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,640
Technically...
I'm on your side,
67
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,680
but, technically, that's not a lie.
68
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,280
I did not jilt her.
Technically, I married her.
69
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:19,320
Well, maybe, but I think
what sticks in everyone's memory
70
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,280
is the bit where you jilted her.
71
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:24,520
Oh, shit! If you think that,
what's everyone else gonna think?
72
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,520
Oh, God! I've gotta get in there.
73
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:30,040
If she wants a PR war, she can have
a PR war. I'll Mandelson her!
74
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:34,520
Nobody wanted New Labour, Jeremy,
but now we all now how it works.
75
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,480
'Walking into the jaws of death.
76
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:42,080
'Gotta go past Sophie's desk.
What am I gonna say?
77
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:46,280
'Please save me, Jesus! I'll
believe in you if you save me now.
78
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:50,360
'The other way! She's looking
the other way. Thank you, Jesus!
79
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,040
'Although it was 50/50
which way she'd be looking.
80
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,680
'Might need a bit more
to start believing.
81
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,240
'Oh, the gossip mill.
That's right, stare at Hess.
82
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,160
'Throw fruit at Hess,
pacing his prison yard.
83
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,560
'Mm... piggin' tea break.
84
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:10,000
'Cup of piggin' tea and work out
my piggin' campaign strategy.
85
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,600
'Oh, knickers! Here we go, Lisa!'
86
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:15,800
'She's not saying anything!
87
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,400
'Brilliant!
Good old English reserve.'
88
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:22,680
Erm, Mark, I just wanna say,
about the wedding and everything...
89
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,720
I think you're a real piece of shit.
90
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,360
Oh... OK...
91
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,720
'That's fair.
Lisa is a very fair person.'
92
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,520
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
93
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,000
What do you think?
94
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,560
This is raw.
Who is this? Is this us?
95
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,840
A simple shit muncher,
Sophie's cousin.
96
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,880
Shit! He's done something there,
in't he? How d'you do that?
97
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,200
I think that what's happening
98
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:53,840
is two or maybe three different
musical things all at the same time.
99
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:58,200
This is the kinda thing
we should be doing.
100
00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,520
Complicated shit.
101
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,240
Only thing is,
doing complicated shit like this...
102
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:04,840
wouldn't that be
against the big beat manifesto?
103
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,960
Have you read the big
beat manifesto lately?
104
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:07,960
Did we write it down?
105
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,000
The big beat manifesto goes,
106
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:11,960
"Big beats are the best,
get high all the time."
107
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,440
Right.
108
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:18,240
At the time, it felt like a much
more all-encompassing philosophy.
109
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,240
Can we use this?
110
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:22,200
Well, listening to this,
it did make me think.
111
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,760
Lately I've been having some ideas,
112
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:28,120
and this is exactly the sort of
thing that I was thinking of doing.
113
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:32,200
He's nicked your idea?
114
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,200
Well, has he?
That's what I'm wondering.
115
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,440
Nicked my idea
and then done it back to me.
116
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:38,560
We should invite him down. We could
teach this kid a thing or two.
117
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,400
Until he arrives, shall we
send this out to promoters?
118
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:45,160
Yeah. This is the best example
of the stuff we do, we've ever had.
119
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:51,280
Oh, yeah, cos sometimes it's really
hard actually to do your own ideas.
120
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,760
'OK, grab your nuts, Corrigan.
121
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,960
'First contact.
122
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,800
'There she is. Sophie.
Should I go over?
123
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,880
'Forget the spin war?
Apologise? Stab myself with a fork?
124
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,680
'They only have plastic.
125
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:10,040
'Oh, crying! Yes, nice
126
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,640
'That'll play well with the floating
voters. Nice tears, Goebbels!
127
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:17,200
'Her and her mates will probably
start handing out vicious cartoons
128
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:21,080
'of me as a rodent in a top hat,
and everyone'll think it's hilarious,
129
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,240
'until a mob comes round
and smashes my shop window.
130
00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:26,840
'At least I've got off
the roast wagon.
131
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,680
'Oh, God! There she goes!
132
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,000
'This is
a public relations nightmare!
133
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,240
'Where do I sit?
134
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:36,480
'This must be what it's like
being a nonce in prison.'
135
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,800
Erm... Hello, is it OK if I go here?
136
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,080
'Please don't call me
a piece of shit.'
137
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,720
Sure, whatever.
138
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:47,000
I'm Debbie,
but everyone calls me Dobbie.
139
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,960
Are you new? I don't think
I've seen you here before, have I?
140
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,120
I'm the IT misfit,
the man with no name!
141
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,840
I'm in and out,
Kettering, Croydon, Aberdeen.
142
00:06:56,880 --> 00:07:00,080
Oh, right. I'm Mark,
but you've probably heard of me
143
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,280
under some other
horrible abusive name.
144
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:03,320
No, why?
145
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,760
Oh, no, just...
146
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,160
everyone abuses everyone now,
don't they?
147
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,120
"Fuck off. Fuck off, you wanker."
148
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,120
It's supposed to be funny
but of course it's not.
149
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,760
Wow, you, you carry personal cheese?
150
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,960
Is that allowed?
151
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,320
I'm a smoker.
I need man-Cheddar, you know.
152
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:24,320
Right.
153
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:29,680
If you like, you could...
154
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,680
'If I was seen sharing cheese with
a woman, it could be misinterpreted.
155
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,360
'My approval rating
would drop through the floor.
156
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,600
'Plus, it looks like
she might gnaw on it.'
157
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:38,520
I'm fine. I think if I ate anything
with any flavour in this room
158
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,960
my body would probably spasm
due to shock!
159
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,400
Right!
160
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,560
Oh, by the way, is it possible
161
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:48,680
to easily put a block on
a couple of e-mail addresses?
162
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:52,680
Why, what you been getting?
163
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,680
Oh, nothing, just some crap.
164
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,560
"You're a piece of shit, shitter.
165
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,560
"Stuff your bollocks up your gob."
166
00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,000
It's just mates and that.
167
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:00,760
"Fuck off and shut up and die."
168
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,160
Yeah. They're...
They're pretty funny.
169
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,800
Arseholes.
170
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:08,840
OK, Jeff, Lisa, Paul,
their e-mails are going to junk,
171
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,360
you can check 'em if you want.
172
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:14,160
Plus, I've put an auto reply
offering them
173
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:15,960
to come and sit on your hairy dick.
174
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,440
Joke.
175
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:19,440
Oh!
176
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:22,760
'That's a good joke!
She's nice. She's being nice!
177
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,600
'I'm pathetically grateful!
178
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,720
'Maybe I should
ask her out for a drink.
179
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:30,280
'She is a floating voter,
plus she's weirdly attractive.
180
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:32,720
'No, don't go there, Clinton!'
181
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:37,320
Oh, wow, this is your room!
182
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,640
This is so cool!
183
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:44,560
'Think I've found someone
to do my Hoovering.
184
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,560
These your jeans?
These your actual jeans?
185
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,680
Look, Jeremy. This is what
I'd look like wearing your jeans.
186
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:51,440
"Hi, I'm Jeremy. I've got loads
of girlfriends and hash.
187
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:52,600
"Look at my jeans!"
188
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,880
Yeah, that is a bit like me.
189
00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:57,640
< Here we go.
190
00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:01,040
Just typed up a little contract
on Professor Yaffle's computer.
191
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:03,960
A contract? Yeah.
192
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,240
It's a standard procedure
for a new band member.
193
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,120
Right.
194
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:13,800
Maybe I should just show
that to my dad's solicitor?
195
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:13,800
No!
No, no, no.
196
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:16,840
Sign it,
and we can talk about it later.
197
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:19,320
Before you sign it,
it's all a lot of waffle.
198
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:20,960
< Hey...
199
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,920
Barney? Is it? What, what are
you doing here? What's going on?
200
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,680
Barney's staying over for a bit.
He joined the band.
201
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,040
What?
202
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:33,440
These guys were saying they
wouldn't mind some cheese McCoy's.
203
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:38,000
Do you want me
to get you anything from the shop?
204
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,000
No, I think I'm fine actually.
205
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:42,360
While you're down there,
how about some Ribena and a Twirl?
206
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,760
OK. McCoy's, Ribena and Twirl.
I'll go grab my jacket.
207
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:52,560
Jeremy,
he's Sophie's cousin, for God's sake!
208
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:55,640
You're sleeping with the enemy!
209
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,640
Oh, relax, Mark, it's fine!
210
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:58,560
Mark, they want me
to sign this contract.
211
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,680
What do you think?
Should I sign it?
212
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,040
Not even sure where you'd sign it.
213
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,080
Is that meant to be a dotted line?
214
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,320
Who drew this up? A lot of these
aren't proper sentences.
215
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:11,560
It's legalese, all right?
Keep your beak out.
216
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:15,520
Look, Mark, we heard today
we've got a spot at the Fuck Bunker.
217
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:17,000
The Fuck Bunker?
218
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:21,600
Yes. And we've got a A&R man coming,
so we need to have a contract.
219
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,680
Everything nice and tied down, yeah?
220
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,320
Right, fine, I don't give a shit.
221
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:29,080
Looks good to me, Barney.
Go for it, dude
222
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,320
Cool. McCoy's, Ribena and a Twirl.
223
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:35,920
McCoy's, Ribena and a Twirl.
McCoy's, Ribena and a Twirl.
224
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,600
He's not sucking you off, is he?
225
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,600
No, of course he isn't!
226
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,400
Probably would.
227
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,520
You have to be very careful,
asking someone to get you a Twirl
228
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:48,760
who would also suck you off.
229
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,760
'Still...
230
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:50,480
'blow job and a Twirl.'
231
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,120
'Got the nod, the mark of the human.
232
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,960
'I'm a human, you're a human.
What else is there to say?'
233
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,120
Hi, Mark. Nice to see you.
234
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:03,840
Dobbie, likewise.
235
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:08,000
There's meant to be
a bunch of USB sticks here, but...
236
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,760
'God, there's an atmosphere.
237
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:14,640
'Sexual tension? Or just
misfit scared of sexual tension?'
238
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,360
DOOR CLOSES
239
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:16,360
Ooh, er!
240
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:21,000
'Oh, no! This is a disciplinary
hearing waiting to happen.'
241
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,200
Oh, I can't reach. Could you...?
242
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:26,240
Er, yeah, sure...
243
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,760
Erm, you'll...
244
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,200
you'll have to...move.
245
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,920
Yeah, I should move, but...
246
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,600
I might not move.
247
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,280
'Is she shifting her bum
against my area?'
248
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:45,920
Er, are you, are you... sure
you don't wanna get out of the way?
249
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,080
I'm all right.
250
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,040
'What if someone comes in?
251
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:50,640
'Should step away.
252
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,400
'Step away from the bum.
253
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,600
'Bit impolite to step away.
254
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,400
'I don't want to step away.'
255
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:59,000
I've got some feta today.
256
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,920
Oh, feta?
257
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,360
Er, that's a sheep's cheese,
isn't it?
258
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,880
I don't know.
259
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,560
Yeah, yeah, I believe so...
260
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,720
Or... Or goat's...
261
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,960
'This is possibly
the most exciting thing
262
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,800
'that has happened to anyone ever!
263
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,760
'Does she know what she's doing?
264
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:20,280
'Is she just innocently
waggling her bum around
265
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,240
'and I'm getting illegal benefit?
266
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,440
'I'm not doing a sexual assault,
am I?
267
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:27,640
'You can't do a sexual assault
if you stay still like a statue.
268
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,280
'I'm just a statue.
269
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:31,640
'A dirty, filthy statue!
270
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:36,200
'Oh, God! I'm getting very... Captain
Corrigan is flying without a licence!
271
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,880
'Oh, Jesus! It's too much.
I'm gonna blow my beans!
272
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,880
'I'm gonna do a Chesil Beach!
273
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,040
'Don't let her know!'
274
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,600
Ah, ah!
275
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:45,880
Are you OK?
276
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:49,080
I'm fine, er, but... Sorry...
277
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:54,000
I should be going cos, you know,
the world turns on its axis...
278
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,480
One man works while...
while another relaxes.
279
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,560
Ah, Post-its.
280
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,160
Bye.
281
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,240
'Er, did she notice?
282
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:09,320
'Should have stayed for at least
a snog, but for some reason
283
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,160
'my interest level
just drops straight off.
284
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:15,680
'God, it's soggy down there!
It's gonna start chafing.
285
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,800
'Need to clean up. Need to get out.
286
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:23,440
'Shit! Elaine and Michael, they'll
probably wanna talk quarterly sales.
287
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:26,840
'Fire exit. Could bust out here
and out into the car park.
288
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,760
'Fuck!'
289
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,760
Hey, it's the wedding crasher!
290
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,360
Hello, you two.
291
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:36,520
'Oh, she's smoking a joint with her
ex. When we should be newlyweds,
292
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,720
'remorselessly working our way
through The Lovers' Guide.'
293
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,600
Hi, Soph, how are you?
294
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:43,400
How are you...feeling?
295
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,320
Well,
I want to give things another go.
296
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:47,600
You do?
297
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,520
No, of course I fucking don't!
298
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,280
Oh, that was funny, though.
299
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:57,240
Yeah, we should talk about
divorce options at some point.
300
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,240
Yeah, maybe not...
301
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,680
'While I'm in spermy pants
and you're high.'
302
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:00,800
..here.
303
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,840
Whatever, Mark. Run away again.
304
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:05,800
I'm having a laugh - a-hah! -
so I don't really give a toss.
305
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,400
What you doing
out here anyway?
306
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,160
And what's that on your trousers?
307
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:13,000
'Oh, God! It's seeping through!'
308
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,440
Have you... pissed yourself?
309
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,240
Er...
310
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:19,400
yeah.
311
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:24,480
Yeah, I did a little bit
of wee on myself, so...
312
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:28,760
You twat!
313
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:39,080
'Oh, yeah, they can laugh, but I win
because they think I pissed myself!
314
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,720
'They've no clue
I came all in my pants!'
315
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:48,520
< Ahem!
316
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:49,840
Anything?
317
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,280
Can I have a sandwich?
318
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,480
Oh, dude, what? Come on.
319
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,800
We need more tracks for the gig.
Good ones.
320
00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:59,880
I know, but it's hard
to be creative when you're hungry.
321
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:03,040
How long can it take to come up
with three minutes of music?
322
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:04,080
Six minutes, max.
323
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:07,160
That's being generous.
That's two minutes per minute.
324
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,280
< Can I have an apple?
325
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,280
Do you think we're made of apples?
326
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,080
All right. You can have a poppadom.
327
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:14,560
You can have one poppadom
and a bit of chutney.
328
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:15,960
Cool, thanks.
329
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,440
'I'm so generous.
I'm like a techno-Ghandi.'
330
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:23,760
Oi, was thinking about what Mark
said the other day about Barney?
331
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:24,720
Bet you would, wouldn't you?
332
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:25,760
What?
333
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,160
Suck one of us off.
334
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,240
No, no. I wouldn't.
335
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,480
What if we said
you couldn't be in the band
336
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,240
unless you sucked one of us off?
337
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,480
No! No, I wouldn't.
338
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,960
You had to think twice
though, didn't you?
339
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,560
No, I didn't, honestly.
340
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,600
Which one of us then? If you had
to pick, which one would you pick?
341
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,720
Go on, if you had to?
342
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,320
All right, OK, I guess then
if I had to pick...
343
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,080
It would be Super Hans.
344
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,600
I knew you would, who wouldn't?
345
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:58,360
You'd suck Super Hans off?
That is so funny.
346
00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,440
'Screw them!
347
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:03,120
'I'll just keep trying to suck myself
off. I'll get there eventually.'
348
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:09,000
'Dobbie, my cupboard lover.
Stationery sex queen.
349
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,480
'I can't ask her out,
I'll be dead in the PR water.
350
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,440
'Oh, don't think about it.
351
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,480
'Just drink buckets of tea.
352
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,040
'Piggin' tea break!
353
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,840
'"Oops, butterfingers, your clumsy
wife!" She has gone beyond, now.
354
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:25,120
'That is too much.
That is way over the line.
355
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,480
'Maybe I'll stick it back to
Harpenden, Harpenden, Harpenden,
356
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:29,840
'see how she likes that!'
357
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:33,040
'No, can't we leave
the mugs out of it?
358
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,440
'Even the mob never
hit the families.'
359
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:37,400
So it's true.
360
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:39,800
I heard the rumours
but I couldn't believe it.
361
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,200
I'm so sorry about your mug, Mark.
362
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:45,160
So you know Sophie's
behaviour's become unacceptable,
363
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,040
I've instructed her to take a break.
364
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:50,000
She'll spend some time with
her parents, in the country.
365
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,480
Right. Wow!
366
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,080
'Oh, my God!
This is piggin' massive.
367
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,320
'I've won the spin war.'
368
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,120
Would you like to...?
369
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,400
Smash it? Er, thank you, but no.
370
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:02,920
Very well.
371
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,720
I can't believe I let
this happen on my watch.
372
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,400
'Right, Dobbie.
Who cares what people think?
373
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,880
'I'm back, baby. The bitch is back.'
374
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,320
Hey, Dobs!
375
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:21,720
I just wondered if you fancied
coming down with me to
the Fuck Bunker and...
376
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:23,360
Is that what you call
the stationery cupboard?
377
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,240
No, God, no!
378
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:26,880
No, no... It's a venue.
379
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,200
My mate's playing
a gig down there on Friday,
380
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,160
and I thought it might to cool
to swing by and check it out.
381
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,280
Your mate's playing a gig.
Check it out.
382
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,920
Mark, you're not trying
to get away with pretending
383
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,880
you're a normal
human being, are you?
384
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:45,280
'She's the one! Oh, Dobbie,
let me chew on your weird hair!'
385
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,120
'I wonder if the A&R guy's here yet.
386
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,640
'Which one could he be?
387
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,600
'Could be him? Perfect cover.
388
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,840
'Or her.
389
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,040
'Or her. Lot of women here.
390
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:04,880
'Hmm. Women, there they are, walking
around, and they've all got them -
391
00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:10,400
'under their clothes, hiding there,
but I know the secret.
392
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,400
'Vaginas.
393
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:14,560
'She's got one.
394
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,520
'She's got one.
395
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,560
'She's got one.'
396
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,720
'She's definitely got one.'
397
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:30,240
'She's trying to make out she
hasn't got one, but I know she has.
398
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:34,040
'Got to stop thinking about vaginas.
It's my big night.
399
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,200
'Mmm, vaginas.'
400
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,040
Come on, open up for fuck's sake,
it's gig time.
401
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:39,680
What's going on?
402
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,000
Barney's locked himself
in the bloody bog.
403
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,400
What have you done to him?
404
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,120
Nothing. Jesus!
405
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:46,360
He's a fucker! >
406
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:48,680
Has he been sucking you off?
407
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:50,080
No, course not.
408
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:51,960
Yes. >
409
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,240
Well, maybe once.
410
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:55,080
What the fuck are we gonna do?
411
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:59,200
We don't know how to play his...
our music. We're the frontmen.
412
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,200
I was planning on
just waving a maraca
413
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,000
and giving the hotties my sex eyes.
414
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,040
Why the hell did you get him
to suck you off?
415
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:07,840
I dunno, do I?
I was just bored. It's rock'n'roll.
416
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,680
We're backstage.
Someone's gotta suck someone off.
417
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:14,800
Iggy, Bowie, Lou Reid, TuPac...
They're all sucking each other off.
418
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,000
< You're on!
419
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,400
Shit! We're on!
What... What are we gonna do?
420
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:22,760
Barney? Barney,
come on out, mate. Please.
421
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,400
You go out, keep the crowd happy.
I'll sort Barney out.
422
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,280
All right. All right.
423
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,360
Just don't...don't suck him off.
424
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,440
< All right?
425
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,200
And don't make him suck you off.
426
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,200
Just get him out there
without any more sucking off!
427
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:39,880
Two bottles of premium lager
and two double whiskies, please.
428
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:41,120
'Don't keep the change!'
429
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,280
Ah, good old alcohol.
430
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,200
Facilitates the talking of shite!
431
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,600
Long term, there's depression,
lethargy and addiction.
432
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,760
But who's looking to the long term?
433
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,600
CHEERING
434
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:58,680
Hey, everyone.
So, great, we're almost ready,
435
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,160
but before we...rock you...
436
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,240
erm...
437
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,920
We need to find out...are you ready?
438
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,520
Yeah!
439
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:07,680
< Yeah, OK!
440
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:11,880
But are you really...
Are you really, really, really ready?
441
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,560
Yeah!
442
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,160
Great, you're really...you're ready.
443
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,480
So... Yeah, yeah,
so you're ready to party.
444
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,960
OK, we know that now.
But my next question is...
445
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,600
'What is he saying?'
446
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:28,280
Are you ready to party hard,
right here, right now?
447
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,480
< 'He's just talking words
out of his mouth.'
448
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:31,880
Mega.
449
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:37,960
Wow, the ladies. Nice to see it's
almost as disgusting as the gents.
450
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:41,240
It used to be all pink and tidy
but then feminism happened
451
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:43,600
and we all just started
pissing on the floor.
452
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,800
Of course, girl power.
453
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:49,080
'Wow, this is better than
watching Jeremy dying on stage.
454
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:53,240
'She really seems to have
a thing about confined spaces.
455
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,480
'Just hope I don't go off
in my pants again.'
456
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:56,480
VOMITING
457
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,120
What's that? >
458
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,000
It's a nightclub, it's normal.
459
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:03,120
She's...she's probably on drugs.
460
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,400
She's probably having
the time of her life.
461
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,120
'Oh, God! I know that boot.
462
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,640
'I know that foot.
I know that crying sound.'
463
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:16,440
Mark, I really think we should check
on her. She might have passed out.
464
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,800
No, Dobbie! Hold on, no, Dobbie!
465
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,800
Mark!
466
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,800
Hi, Sophie.
467
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:23,640
< You know her?
468
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:24,720
Uh-huh, yeah.
469
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,440
I'm his wife.
470
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:32,000
She doesn't know what she's saying.
She's off her head on street drugs.
471
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,400
What have you taken, Sophie?
472
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,000
Who knows? Who the fuck cares?
473
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:38,520
What are you even doing here?
474
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,920
I thought you were staying
with your parents.
475
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,720
I ran away from home to see
Barney, thanks, Dickhead.
476
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,080
Soph, please.
477
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:49,680
We are a bit married,
but not properly.
478
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,600
It was never consummated.
479
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,040
And you're not gonna
get Nana's cottage,
480
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,040
so you can shove it
up your arsehole!
481
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:57,520
OK, I'm gonna head off.
482
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:58,760
But, Dobbie, I...
483
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:03,160
'I've been caught out, like
Angus Deayton or Harold Shipman.'
484
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:08,880
You're like a life
support machine, Mark.
485
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:10,320
Well... Thank you, Sophie.
486
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:13,440
Except instead of giving life
you suck it all out of people!
487
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:14,760
Uh-uh.
488
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,800
'My beautiful wife.'
489
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:20,680
I wanna go home. I wanna go home.
I wanna go home. I wanna go home.
490
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,560
I wanna go home. I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
491
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:25,480
What's going on?
492
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:26,720
He wants to go home.
493
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,080
I'll take care of him,
thank you very much.
494
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:32,160
All right, grandad, hold on.
Can't they give us ten?
495
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:36,080
He's in a K-hole right now,
but in ten the speed'll kick in.
496
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,720
Can of coke and a ciggie,
he'll be right as rain.
497
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:40,200
I don't wanna sit down.
498
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,440
I wanna run behind the car
all the way home.
499
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:43,680
We've missed our slot.
500
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,880
Dance Witch Abortion are on now
and they're rocking out.
501
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:48,760
Ah, Mark, of course.
502
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,120
I'm so sorry about all this, Ian.
503
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:55,480
'Ian? He is Ian, isn't he?
Suppose now I've jilted his daughter
504
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:59,320
I could call him Captain Cockring
and it wouldn't make things worse.'
505
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:00,640
Super Hans, did I do it right?
506
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:03,680
Yeah, yeah, you did it fine.
507
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:04,960
What did you do to him?
508
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,240
You've ruined this. >
509
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:09,240
Why couldn't you have got him
to suck you off after the gig?
510
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,120
< He did what?
511
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:15,920
Barney? What makes you
do these things, Mark?
512
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,880
I'm not the one he sucked off!
513
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,040
I hate you, Mark.
I fucking hate you.
514
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:24,800
Super Hans! I love you.
Don't leave me!
515
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:28,000
He's not all he's cracked up to be.
Who's the really cool one?
516
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:32,080
You should look a bit deeper before
you go sucking someone off next time.
517
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:35,320
Prick.
518
00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:37,800
'OK, what now?
519
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:40,440
'Go home and roast
the shit out of some meat.'
39674
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