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1
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This programme contains stong
language.
2
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,760
'Urgh! More data entry tonight.
3
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,960
'I guess the only good thing
is that my life is so boring
4
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,000
'it feels like
it might go on forever.
5
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:26,800
'Maybe I'll put on Big Bond Themes
6
00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:29,000
'and pretend I'm data entering
for MI6.'
7
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,760
Hi, honey, you're home!
8
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:35,240
Hi, Jez.
9
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,240
You know how depressed
you are about getting married?
10
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,240
What? Let's not drag that up now.
11
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,520
I'm looking forward to it,
that's the line.
12
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:41,520
It's possible
I might find a way out.
13
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,720
It's in four weeks, Mark.
It's going to happen.
14
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:48,440
Look, no matter how unpalatable
it may be, the fact is
15
00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:51,760
I'm your best friend and I know you
don't wanna hear it, but I love you.
16
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:55,360
And in your own dried up,
desiccated, weird
17
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,240
and unfriendly way, you love me too.
18
00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:00,440
So I've got together my last scraps
of cash to give you
19
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,640
the stag weekend of your dreams!
20
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:07,200
Really?
21
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:07,200
Yes. I've booked us a canal boat
near an Iron Age area.
22
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,960
You can go and look at the Iron Age,
23
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,720
or whatever it is you do,
and I'll make us some steaks.
24
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,200
I've sent off for a chess set
and I'll learn how to play,
25
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:17,320
but if I'm not good enough
then there's a computer setting.
26
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:18,840
Or I'll be pretending to play
27
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,440
but really you'll be playing
the computer. OK?
28
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:24,360
Oh, well, that's...nice. That...
29
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:27,600
That actually sounds fun!
Unfortunately,
30
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:30,600
as I said, I think I might not
be getting married after all.
31
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:34,920
Oh?
32
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,920
Yeah. Sophie's twigged something's
not right and she's arranged for us
33
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:37,040
to see a relationship counsellor.
34
00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:39,240
Right. And yet
you seem excited because?
35
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:42,120
It's all gonna come out!
The whole disgusting mess!
36
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,920
She'll wheedle it all out!
It'll take hours to break me down,
37
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:48,360
but then it'll all spill out and
Sophie won't be able to shout at me
38
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,520
as there'll be a professional there.
And none of it's even my fault!
39
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,840
It's all my so-called subconscious!
40
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,880
I want you both to relax.
This is just a safe place
41
00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:02,160
where I'm going to listen to
whatever you have to say.
42
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'Oh, yeah, here we are, the field
of screams, the torture chamber,
43
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:07,520
'the emotional dungeon.'
44
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,640
< You've got this wedding coming up.
How are you both feeling?
45
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,360
'Oh, she is good. Here it comes.
46
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,280
'Let it all flood out just gently.'
47
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,320
Mark?
48
00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,040
Me? Oh, I'm-I'm-I'm feeling...
49
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:22,680
pr-pretty positive.
50
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:25,960
Obviously there's some tiny doubts.
51
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,320
'Don't overdo it.'
52
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:28,960
Mainly about the catering.
53
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,080
Well, that seems perfectly normal.
54
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,560
Sophie, how about you?
55
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,680
Well, I just wish I felt
that comfortable.
56
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:40,520
'Hold on.
Is that it? Is that my go finished?
57
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:44,000
'Did she just believe what I said?
What kind of counselling is that?!
58
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,240
'She didn't wheedle
anything out of me!
59
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:50,240
'How can I blow my emotional beans
if she doesn't at least
give me a wheedle?'
60
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,840
Plus obviously Sophie mentioned
on the phone
61
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,640
< about the sexual problems
in your relationship.
62
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:56,680
Sorry?
63
00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:59,440
The sexual problems
in your relationship.
64
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,040
Oh! Right. Are there...?
65
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:06,720
Well, I just feel,
I don't know, unfulfilled.
66
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,560
Unfilled?
67
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:09,560
Unfulfilled.
68
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:15,080
Right. Well, I-I-I mean...
69
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,320
I suppose I thought that...
70
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:21,600
maybe Sophie might be one of
those women who...
71
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:25,040
who find it difficult
or, or, or even impossible
72
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:29,120
to attain, to, to achieve...
73
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:29,120
No, I'm definitely not one of those.
74
00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:29,120
Right.
75
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:34,120
What would you say if you felt
that you weren't going to be judged?
76
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,440
I'd say...
77
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:37,640
I'd say...
78
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,320
'This isn't gonna be good.'
79
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:43,880
..often, Mark, you ejaculate...
80
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:47,040
quite a long time
81
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:51,840
before I've had time to feel like
I've started to enjoy our sex.
82
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,480
Uh-huh.
83
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,760
Thanks for that, Soph.
84
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:02,120
Great. Well, I'll
make a note of that.
85
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,880
Well, th-this
has been great, just a great...
86
00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:06,680
time.
87
00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,160
Mark, it's all right,
we've got 45 minutes yet.
88
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,040
Really? 45 minutes.
89
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:16,560
'Great! I'll be spending £1 a minute
to hear how shit I am at sex!
90
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,280
'Now that's value for money!'
91
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,840
So good to just get away.
92
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,160
Oh, yeah. The stag aquatic.
93
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,040
So come on, let's max out
the engine a bit. Tear it up.
94
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,120
Actually, this is almost top speed.
95
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:33,400
What if we hit trouble?
96
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,520
I don't think we'll hit trouble
on the Shropshire Union Canal.
97
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,280
Right, but this is just it?
This is totally it?
98
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,560
There's not gonna be
any waves or mad shit?
99
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,840
No.
100
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:43,840
Can I water ski off the back?
101
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,440
You're very welcome to try.
102
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:49,240
Jesus! Well, let's stop here,
then, and go for a drink.
103
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,560
Jez, it's ten in the morning!
104
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:55,040
What else are we gonna do? Freeze
our nuts off talking to each other?
105
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:59,960
What the hell
are we gonna talk about?
106
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,960
I dunno! Stuff! Banter. Chat.
107
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,760
Isn't that what you had in mind
when you organised this thing?
108
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,760
Sure. Yeah.
109
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,280
S'pose.
110
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:09,680
So how do you feel
now the wedding's back on track?
111
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:12,600
Not that.
112
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:12,600
Right, not that! Well, what then?
113
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,840
I can't think of anything to say.
You start.
114
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,280
Hey is that a kingfisher?
115
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,000
For God's sake! If we're gonna talk,
116
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,560
let's talk about something proper,
like films.
117
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,840
'Urgh, films.
Another hour of my life gone
118
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,520
'trying to explain to him
what The Matrix is.'
119
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:32,280
'This weekend is gonna be
one massive dry hump.
120
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,560
'Maybe the pressure
will build to the point
121
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,800
'where we actually try
to fuck each other.'
122
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,960
Jeremy, you promised you'd play
with apparent enthusiasm.
123
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,800
Yeah, well, I'm sorry.
124
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:50,200
You can so tell this game
is over a thousand years old.
125
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,240
Yes, it's very sophisticated.
It's your move.
126
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:57,720
I don't wanna play any more.
127
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,720
Because I'm winning?
128
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,720
No, not because you're win...
129
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,520
I don't even know who's winning!
130
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:06,520
Here, Mark, I tell you what, you
piss in this bottle, I'll drink it.
131
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,440
What? What the hell for?
132
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:09,720
For a laugh! It's the stag!
133
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,840
No, Jez. If you drank my piss
I'd feel violated.
134
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,720
Oh, that is great.
135
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,880
You wouldn't even let me
drink your piss.
136
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,240
I'm not trying to kiss you.
It's liquid waste.
137
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:20,680
I'm sorry, but no.
138
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,880
You wouldn't let me drink your piss?
139
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,640
Why would you even want
to drink my piss?!
140
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:25,720
For a laugh!
141
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,800
What the hell
made you think of that?
142
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,800
I'm just bored, OK!
143
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,400
I'd let you drink my piss.
144
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,840
Oh, thank you very much.
145
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,600
Oh, come on, let's get out of here.
146
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:37,120
Let's go and get you
some sweet punani action.
147
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,000
I don't want sweet punani action.
148
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,480
I wanna take your bishop
and grind you down.
149
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:45,000
Here, look, take it. And the horsy.
Come on, man!
150
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,880
Couple of pints, couple of hotties.
151
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,800
Yeah? Come on, tiger, let's roar!
152
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:52,680
'Oh, God! I wish I lived with
the chess computer.
153
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,400
'The chess computer
wouldn't make me do things.'
154
00:06:57,080 --> 00:07:00,240
I'm stagging you.
I'm stagging you by the back door.
155
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,800
I don't want a hangover, Jeremy.
I want to be almost asleep by 11.
156
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:08,360
Two yards of ale, please.
It's his stag.
157
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,560
Yards. Really?
158
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:13,680
Hello. Check it out, Mark.
159
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,800
Oh. Yeah. They're eating.
160
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:20,000
Let's go and say hello.
161
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,000
No, let's definitely not.
162
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,160
Come on, man!
163
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,920
No, look, really,
they're eating, we're drinking.
164
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,320
They want it.
165
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,160
The whole world isn't Zoo magazine.
166
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,680
Everybody isn't just wanting it
the whole time.
167
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,920
People have a wide range
of emotional states.
168
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,920
Like what?
169
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:34,920
There you go.
170
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:34,920
Well, they might be feeling pensive
171
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:40,520
or full of hubris, melancholic,
amused or just numb.
172
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,600
Bollocks. They're hot
and they want it.
173
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:43,760
God!
174
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,880
Hey, there. We just wondered
if you don't mind hanging out
175
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:50,720
with a couple of yardies, whether
maybe we could join you for a drink?
176
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:52,920
I'm very sorry.
177
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:52,920
Why not?
178
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,800
'Oh, God, this is awful!
179
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:58,480
'It's so obvious. We don't just want
to chat, it's not just friendly.
180
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,760
'They know exactly what we're doing,
and the horrible thing is
181
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,000
'they don't even seem to mind.'
182
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,240
I'm Aurora
and this is my sister, Lucy.
183
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:07,400
Jez and Mark.
184
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,720
You're the first people
to talk to us all night.
185
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:14,400
Oh, apart from the British Kidney
Foundation guy with the stickers.
186
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,720
Yeah, right.
Mr Freebie looking for a handout.
187
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:20,440
Yep. So listen,
what can I get you two?
188
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:23,000
How about a foot of wine?
189
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:27,160
Can I get a metre of vodka...
with an inch of tonic?
190
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,000
'Come on, Mark, turn it on!
Play the game!'
191
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:31,760
Oh, naughty.
192
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:33,960
You've combined metric and imperial.
193
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,600
You might get an
interdenominational...
194
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,720
You know, from mixing
the two measurement systems,
195
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:42,640
a hangover of that kind.
196
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:44,840
'Just stay mute, Mark.
197
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,600
'You're a social freak.
198
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,040
'Remain in your compound.'
199
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,800
So that's great you're in a band.
What's it called?
200
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:55,960
Oh, right now we're called
Various Artists
201
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,000
just to fuck over people with iPods.
202
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:01,120
We think it'll set us back
two or three years, which is cool.
203
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:04,360
So you've got a great canal boat.
204
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:07,080
We're canalists too.
We love canalling.
205
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:08,560
Actually it's our dad's.
206
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,200
Right. The upkeep
must be a nightmare.
207
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,160
The... The mooring costs alone...
208
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,480
'He really knows
how to murder a vibe.'
209
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:20,320
You'll have to excuse Mummy.
210
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:20,320
Mummy? Wow, doesn't your mum
mind the dog being called...?
211
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,000
Oh, God, no. Mum's dead.
212
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:25,640
Mummy's just had lots of
lovely babies, haven't you?
213
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,280
Naughty, slutty Mummy.
214
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,880
Right.
215
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:29,880
So have you got a girlfriend?
216
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:34,360
'Technically a fiancee
is not a girlfriend.'
217
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,240
You know not...not really.
218
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:39,560
I had a boyfriend till last month.
He was a bit hippy for my taste.
219
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:43,440
Plus a lot of umming and ahhing.
So one day I turned round to him
220
00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:46,680
and I said, "Benny, it's time
to shit or get off the pot."
221
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,640
Oh, right, and did he...?
222
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,280
Oh, yeah, like a shot.
223
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,880
Luc, will you give me a hand looking
for the secret bottle of voddie?
224
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,520
'Oh, God, vodka! It'll be an orgy.
225
00:09:56,560 --> 00:10:00,320
'Great! Disappoint three people
instead of just one!'
226
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,240
This is going great.
Things are going to happen.
227
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:04,600
Nothing's happening.
228
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,320
Forget about Sophie, all right?
229
00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:09,320
You're allowed a freebie
on the stag, like Pedge in Estonia.
230
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,000
When he had sex with a prostitute
231
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:15,280
and gave his wife that aggressive
yeast infection?
232
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,280
It's what people do.
Just get on with it.
233
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:18,240
I don't like her! I don't fancy her!
234
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,240
Do you think Pedge fancied
that hooker? Of course he didn't!
235
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,760
He didn't let that stop him.
He did the right thing.
236
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:24,760
I just wanna go to bed!
237
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:28,040
You can't. There are two of them,
there has to be two of us.
238
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,080
I'm gonna go to bed.
239
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,080
< You're not going anywhere.
240
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,880
You can't say you're going
to bed at nine in the evening.
241
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,440
You're gonna sit there
and talk about something funny
242
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:39,200
you've seen on reality TV, and
stop going on and on about the euro.
243
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:43,760
We're in it now and there's nothing
you can do about it.
244
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,760
We are not in the euro, Jeremy!
245
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,240
So you can have your squalid
little night.
246
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:50,000
I'm gonna go and read Roy Jenkins
on Winston Churchill.
247
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,880
Oh, here we go. Dad's back.
248
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,920
Ahoy there!
249
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:56,520
Oh, that's a shame.
250
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:58,680
I was looking forward
to having some fun.
251
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:02,960
'Dodged a bullet there.
Although maybe not.
252
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:07,000
'My attraction to her is so minimal
for once I might have been able
to do it for hours.
253
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:10,200
'An endless, joyless fuck session.'
254
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:16,320
'I'm not wearing them!
They're Hitler's boots!
255
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,040
'I'm not wearing Hitler's boots!
256
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,960
'What the hell's going on?!
257
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,480
'Why are we moving?!
Jeremy can't be up!
258
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,440
'Someone's trying to steal the boat!
259
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:28,160
'Pirates! I'm being Shanghaied!'
260
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:31,200
Morning, shipmate.
261
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,200
Jeremy, what the hell is going on?
262
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:32,800
I'm just getting going.
263
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,960
Couldn't let them get away,
could we?
264
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,600
Ah, this is a new one -
water stalking.
265
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:41,080
It's not! It's just friendly!
266
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:42,760
Ahoy there, shipmates!
267
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:47,800
Jeremy! Last one to lunch at the Lamb
and Flag in Garsington is a loser.
268
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:51,480
Ha! You're on! Warp factor three,
please, Scotty.
269
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,600
'Oh, great, I'm Scotty.
270
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,920
'He's cross-breeding
with the beautiful aliens
271
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,520
'and I'm stuck in the engine room
272
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,920
'with the probably
cancer-emitting fuel cells.'
273
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,960
So I'm not in a relationship
right now.
274
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,720
I've just been hurt
too many times, you know.
275
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:12,640
Really?
276
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,640
Yeah. It's like I've got a river
of pain running through me,
277
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,920
from here right the way down
to here.
278
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:20,880
Kind of like Jim Morrison
or Russell Brand.
279
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:24,160
Jez has offered to do the shopping
run and no-one else is fit to drive.
280
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:25,600
Reckon you can handle a 4x4?
281
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:27,720
Sure. No sweat.
282
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:29,520
'4x4! Piece of piss!
283
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,640
'Probably.'
284
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,120
So you're in the credit racket?
285
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,040
Yes, that's my...racket.
286
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:38,600
I should pick your brains.
287
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:41,120
That's my new setup in Bangalore,
a credit call centre.
288
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:44,680
God, you've got fingers in
so many pies. How d'you keep track?
289
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,960
Dad comes up with a brainwave and
then he hires a load of little people
290
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,520
who never went to university
to work out the details.
291
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:54,200
'I'm with the business elite,
shitting on the little guy.'
Brilliant.
292
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,960
I'm looking for an associate
who can help me staff up.
293
00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:00,040
Got any contacts? Anyone
who could handle a management role?
294
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:03,400
Oh! Right. I'll have a think.
295
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,480
'Oh, my God, India!
296
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,040
'Could be my way out.
Goodbye Sophie,
297
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:12,640
'goodbye sexual humiliation, hello
Corrigan the neo-colonial overlord.'
298
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,840
I thought for a minute
you were gonna ask me!
299
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:18,520
Pretty big step up for you.
You're a kind of a numbers droid.
300
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,240
Not really. I'm...
301
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:22,160
'Oh, my God!
302
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:25,480
'I've entered an interview situation
and there's a hand near my cock!
303
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:29,120
This is like that dream I had about
Alan Sugar and the badger.
304
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:32,320
I have experience
of managing a team.
305
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,320
But this will be 300-odd employees!
306
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:37,800
Yes, but I've developed a portfolio
of skills over the last three years,
307
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,960
which enabled me to rise
to new challenges with ease.
308
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,760
'Maybe this is a test.
She can't actually fancy me.
309
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:48,280
'Or a trick. Maybe they're Johnson
and Sophie wearing masks
310
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,960
'and this is all being paid for
by MTV and the Playboy channel.'
311
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:56,680
'God, look at me drive.
I'm Clarkson.'
312
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,960
Are you sure it's OK
to put in unleaded?
313
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,960
We always normally do diesel.
314
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,160
Oh, trust me,
these babies run on anything.
315
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,480
So after we dump the shopping,
do you wanna go for a little stroll?
316
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,400
Just the two of us?
317
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,400
Yeah.
318
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,400
Cool.
319
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:12,880
Do you wanna turn this around
and I'll see you in a sec?
320
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,440
'I think I love her.
I think I'm falling in love...
321
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,080
'or getting a bone-on,
which is basically the same thing
322
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:21,120
when you get rid of all the
Valentine's cards and bullshit.
323
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:26,800
Come on, Mummy.
324
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:26,080
'Oh, yeah! Pissed and stoned
in a gas guzzler. This is the life.
325
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,320
'Already given a quid to Greenpeace
this year, so I'm golden.'
326
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,840
DOG WHINES
327
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,920
'Not the dog. Not the dog!
328
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,840
'Shit, the dog!'
329
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:44,920
'Oh, yeah, this is cool. Just don't
think about the dead dog.
330
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,320
'If I don't think about it, there's
always a chance it didn't happen.'
331
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:49,960
Let's roll, cowboy.
332
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:51,440
Where's Mummy?
333
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:52,520
Mummy?
334
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:53,920
Yeah. I let her out for a piss.
335
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:54,960
Are you sure she was with us?
336
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,520
She was on the back seat!
337
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:57,960
She must've run off.
338
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,720
'Except she definitely hasn't cos
I'm carrying her round in this bag.'
339
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:02,200
She never just runs off!
340
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:05,240
She is a wild animal.
You know, the call of the wild.
341
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,320
She might've become
leader of a pack of foxes or...
342
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:11,120
Jez, it's Mummy.
We're not just leaving her!
343
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,600
'Why did I put her in the bag?! I
should've thrown her like a discus.'
344
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,920
Mum-my! Come on, Jeremy!
345
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,560
Mummy...
346
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:18,960
Mummy! >
347
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:19,880
Mummy...
348
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,520
Oh, God! I don't know what
I'd do if I lost her!
349
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,280
'Well, you're very close
to finding out.'
350
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:25,880
Mummy!
351
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,360
Mummy!
352
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,520
And in the last quarter at JLB
353
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:34,600
I personally presided over
an increase of close to 17%.
354
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,280
My mate Carly again.
355
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:41,640
"Oh, I'm so sad, I'm gonna take
a load of pills, muh, muh, muh."
356
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,760
Same shit, different day.
I'll catch you up.
357
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:48,520
'Wealthy, lovely family. If only
she wasn't such a horrible person
358
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,480
'she'd be the woman of my dreams.'
359
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:55,560
Mark, if anything did happen, how
quickly could you up sticks, though?
Anything tying you down?
360
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:57,120
'Does a marriage count?'
361
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:58,840
No. Not that I can think of.
362
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:02,760
Wherever I lay my hat, pending
legal searches, that's my home.
363
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:06,680
Cool. So, you and Lucy seem
pretty sweet on each other.
364
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,600
Oh. Yeah.
365
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,160
What do you think of her...
honestly?
366
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:14,280
'I think she might have
a borderline personality disorder.'
367
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:15,880
I think she's...lovely.
368
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:19,120
Oh, that's nice.
I'll tell her that.
369
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:20,960
OK. Great.
370
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,440
'Maybe instead of marrying Sophie
I should just marry Lucy.
371
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:28,040
'No, stop trying to marry everyone,
Mark! No need to marry people!'
372
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,920
"Hey, it's Sophie.
Please leave a message."
373
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,480
'Answerphone. Yes!'
374
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:38,480
Hey, Soph, sorry to have missed you.
Having a great time on my stag.
375
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,560
Bye. Let's speak soon.
376
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,920
'Although probably not, because
I know when you're busy and that's
when I always ring you.'
377
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:45,840
Guess what, Jez.
378
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:46,560
What?
379
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:50,240
Malcolm's headhunting for co-manager
of his Indian call centre.
380
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:51,200
Right. So?
381
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,240
There's a chance, a slight
but very definite chance,
382
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:55,840
that I could be off to India.
383
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,840
And you know what that means -
won't be able to get married.
384
00:16:58,880 --> 00:16:59,600
No?
385
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:04,000
Of course not!
Sophie couldn't ask me to turn down
the opportunity of a lif
etime!
386
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:04,960
Couldn't she come?
387
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,880
Oh, no, there...there'd be
visa issues, endless complications.
388
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:11,000
No, I'm afraid to say this could put
389
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:13,960
a great deal of strain
on the whole relationship.
390
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,800
Brilliant. Well done, mate.
391
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:19,440
He's nibbling but he hasn't bitten
yet. So I'm just gonna get Gerard
392
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,920
to email through my CV and
then wow him with a big pitch.
393
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:26,000
So, you'd just...go?
394
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,400
Oh, Jez, don't look like that!
395
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,720
You could always come! You could
start again, find a new career.
396
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,280
I could be your butler.
397
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,920
I'd be the Maharaja,
you'd be my white concubine.
398
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:40,440
I could probably live like a king
on a tenner a week. I'd do fuck all.
399
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:44,800
Just lie around smoking dope
and have a bit of a go on
the washing-up before you got home.
400
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:49,520
I'd probably get a record deal just
because I've been to Carnaby Street.
I'll be the coolest man in India.
401
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:52,240
And maybe we can get
one, small servant.
402
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:56,440
'We'll need a servant.
These leftovers are from two nights
ago, and he never empties the bin.
403
00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:00,280
'Oh, God, I bet it's bursting at the
seams with used condoms and porn.'
404
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,560
Fuck! Aah!
405
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:06,040
There's a...there's a dead beast
in our bin, Jeremy!
406
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:07,840
All right, keep your voice down.
407
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:10,440
A dead dog in our bin!
How has this happened?
408
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,120
I don't know, Mark, but there's
no point shouting about it.
409
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,760
Well, why not?!
410
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,640
Jeremy, is this...Mummy?!
411
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,480
Look, earlier,
412
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:23,280
in the 4x4, I had an accident.
I mean, the clutch on that thing...
413
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,040
Oh, right!
Brilliant! You've killed Mummy!
414
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:31,720
What the hell is
it doing in our bin?!
415
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:31,720
I had to hide it. Aurora had me
looking for it for about four hours.
416
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,680
Then she made me make posters.
417
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:35,320
But...the bin, Jeremy!
418
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:39,000
The bin's for household waste,
not beloved pets, et cetera!
419
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,920
Mark, if I can just get rid
of the dog corpse,
420
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,280
there's a chance I still might
get laid here.
421
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,000
Oh, right. This is sort of like
422
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,360
a disgusting version
of The Great Egg Race!
423
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:52,960
This doesn't feel great.
424
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,280
It's not great, Jez, that's why.
425
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:59,200
There's no chance of it being
traced back to us now though.
Cos it might've been micro-chipped.
426
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,280
Exactly. No.
427
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:05,320
All things considered - my career
prospects, your sexual desperation -
428
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,360
this is probably
the best thing to do.
429
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,800
There's a hell of a lot of steam.
430
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:15,360
Yeah. As it turns out,
dogs do seem to be mostly water.
431
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,040
Well, it's going a bit,
just not the legs.
432
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,080
Put the legs back on in the middle.
Maybe it'll burn better.
433
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:25,840
If you hadn't refused
to pay for firelighters
it would've gone bynow.
434
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:29,120
You shouldn't need
firelighters to burn a dog, Jeremy!
435
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:30,760
How would you know?
436
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,040
Shit, it's going out.
437
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:36,200
Look, I've gotta get my pitch
sorted before I see Malcolm.
438
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,720
We'll have to bury it.
Get the spade.
439
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:38,760
What spade?
440
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:39,960
You didn't bring a spade?
441
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:43,000
Do you think I'm some kind of
freelance dog-murdering Mafia man?
442
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:48,440
Oh, great! So we've got no fire,
no spade. We'll just have to dig
with our hands.
443
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:52,240
Jeremy, there are many things
I would do to help you,
444
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,880
but digging a hole in
the wintry earth with my bare hands
445
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:59,080
so that you can bury the corpse of
a dog you killed is not one of them.
446
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:05,600
'I'll just take it to one of those
massive council bins. Dump and run.
447
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:09,240
'Just like my paperboy days.
Screw you, Murdoch.'
448
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:10,280
Jeremy.
449
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:10,960
Hi!
450
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,800
This is my last poster.
How did you get on?
451
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,640
Yep. Good.
Got rid of all of mine, too.
452
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,080
'Just keep lying till
the kissing can start.
453
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:23,200
'I mean, it'd have to be a fucking
good poster to get that dog back.'
454
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:26,360
I might call it a day and
head back to the barge. Coming?
455
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:27,720
OK.
456
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,280
'Shit. Gotta dump the evidence.'
457
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:31,560
BAG FALLS
458
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,000
Jeremy, you've dropped your bag.
459
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,920
Yeah. So I have.
460
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,680
Thanks, honey.
461
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:43,480
'Just act normal. I'll tell her what
happened immediately after I come.'
462
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:47,000
And as...as you can see
I've been in the top ten percentile
463
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,760
of performers at JLB
464
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:53,000
for the last three financial years
in a row, so...
465
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,000
'Shit! I'm losing him!'
466
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,960
And if you look at the bottom
467
00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,240
you'll see that my hobbies include
history and going to the movies.
468
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:01,320
I like going to the movies.
469
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:03,400
'Of course you do. Everyone does.
470
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,200
'Man seeks woman.
Must be interested in film,
471
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,680
'breathing oxygen and converting
protein intake into muscle energy.'
472
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,360
Hi, guys.
473
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,880
We're interrupting.
We should probably...
474
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:15,520
Sit down, Jez! Join the party!
475
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:16,320
Any luck?
476
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,280
No. Still nothing.
477
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:22,880
Bollocks. OK, Dad, time to turn on
the money hose. Up the reward.
478
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,040
'Fucking hell! He's got Mummy!
479
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:28,880
'He's brought a dead dog into
my pitch, the stupid bastard!'
480
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,240
Sorry, Mark.
Carry on. What were you saying?
481
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:36,200
Er, yes, as I was saying, I..I love
cinema, especially the films of
482
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:40,080
Spielberg, Lucas and the man
who did The Usual Suspects.
483
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,080
What's in the bag?
484
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:44,520
Oh, er, Mark and I had a...barbecue.
485
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:46,760
Oh, a barbecue. Yum.
Have you got any left?
486
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,320
No. No, not really.
No, we were really hungry.
487
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,520
You have got a bit left, I can see.
488
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:55,800
Well, it's really, really badly
cooked. Mark couldn't be bothered
to get firelighters.
489
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:59,720
Well, just keeping a handle
on the purse strings there.
490
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:01,600
ABC, Always Be Cost-cutting.
491
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:02,760
Ah-ha!
492
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:03,680
Come on, Jez.
493
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:04,480
I really don't think it's a good...
494
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,600
Oh, we've only got cheese and humus.
495
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,400
What is it?
It doesn't look very much like...
496
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:12,880
It's turkey. It's turkey leg.
497
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:14,320
Is that all right?
498
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:16,280
What can I tell you,
I'm no Ainsley Harriott.
499
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:17,840
It looks weird!
500
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,880
What's going on, Jeremy?
501
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:21,720
Nothing! It's just turkey, look.
502
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:27,400
You see. Mmmm, just...
undercooked, disgusting turkey.
503
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,440
Hey, Mark, would you like some?
504
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:30,160
No, thanks.
505
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,520
Here, eat some turkey.
506
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,000
No, Jeremy, it's not my turkey.
507
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:39,120
I really feel, since I'm eating
turkey, you should eat some turkey.
It was your idea to barbecue it.
508
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:42,560
I really don't feel like
eating turkey, Jeremy. I'm full.
509
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:46,480
'I'm eating dog leg. I have
definitely reached a new low.'
510
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:47,520
What's that on it?
511
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,520
Urgh! There's hairs on it, Jeremy!
512
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,120
Hairs?
513
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,120
It's just a hairy turkey! >
514
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,320
What's this? "Mummy"?
515
00:22:56,360 --> 00:23:00,000
Mummy is probably the turkey's
nickname. It could easily be.
516
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:04,720
They ate Mummy! They burned Mummy,
killed her and ate her!
517
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,600
Look, er, I'll...I'll e-mail
through my references, Malcolm.
518
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:11,960
Aurora, I'll call you.
519
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,640
Fuck off, Jeremy!
520
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:17,760
'Guess not fitting my CV
onto one side of A4
is basically irrelevant now.
521
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:23,480
'Probably good things didn't work
out, she is totally over-reacting!
It's not like I ate her mum or dad!'
522
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:25,120
Did you actually have to eat it?
523
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:27,320
I don't know.
I keep wondering that.
524
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:31,520
But, y'know, in the moment it really
did feel like I needed to eat it.
525
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:50,040
with the moles
41782
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