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1
00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:05,760
This programme contains
strong language.
2
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:20,480
'What a dud evening!'
3
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,120
'Low-quality takeaway,
4
00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:27,040
'low-quality detective drama,
low-quality sexual intercourse.'
5
00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:30,800
So, Sophe, do you fancy coming along
to my school reunion on Saturday?
6
00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:33,480
School reunion?
That doesn't sound very you.
7
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:36,760
Yeah, but I thought it might
be nice to go and, you know,
8
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:40,920
show them all that I've got a job
and a flat and a fiancee now
9
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:46,600
and I'm not in fact
a gender bender, a mentaloid
or a public leaning post, after all.
10
00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:52,120
Right, OK,
the thing is, er, the thing...
11
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:55,720
I think I mentioned I'll be
heading off late Saturday night.
12
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:55,720
What thing?
13
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,040
Frankfurt,
14
00:00:57,080 --> 00:01:00,240
marketing development group,
me and Alan and Lisa and Geoff.
15
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:03,280
Geoff? You're going to Frankfurt
with your ex?
16
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:07,200
Not with him, it's work, Mark.
Did I not mention it?
17
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,520
No, no, no, you did not mention it.
18
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:12,040
Oh, well, I thought you knew.
Well, you do now, so...
19
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,560
I know now, but I didn't before.
20
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,400
Well, you do now, so...
21
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,400
Right.
22
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:21,040
'OK, definitely have a legitimate
grievance here, I reckon.'
23
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:22,440
'Let's milk it.'
24
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:29,480
Mark, Geoff and I aren't
going to fall into each other's arms
in a pile of sauerkraut.
25
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:32,560
I am getting married to you, OK?
26
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,840
Yes, sure.
27
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:36,640
'Maybe I should just go on my own.
Sally Slater might be there.'
28
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,120
'Mm... Sally,
29
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,960
'one of the few girls in my year to
notice me and yet still not mock.'
30
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:47,160
'It'd be good to see her again
and I'm sure Sophie won't mind.'
31
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,200
'In fact, she's definitely not gonna
mind cos I'm not gonna tell her.'
32
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:58,920
'Oh, great night at the pub
this isLaura's caught
in Super Hans' tractor beam,
33
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,680
'Kerry's being all lovely to Mike
about his mum's thyroid thing.'
34
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,920
'I've got no way out. Stuck with
a newbie - Mr Fucking Shirt.'
35
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,200
'Gotta say something.'
36
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:10,520
So, how do you know everyone?
37
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:14,080
I'm a friend of Bob's mate Kev,
38
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:17,360
and he said it was a friendly crowd
and come down. So, I thought, yeah.
39
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,200
Cool.
40
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,880
' Jesus! Come on, throw me a bone!'
41
00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:25,800
So, have you got any plans
for the weekend?
42
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:27,960
I'm doing a gig, actually.
43
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:29,640
Oh, right.
44
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,200
Playing with my old outfit
as The Orgazoid.
45
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,440
You're The Orgazoid?! Oh, my God!
You're the...!
46
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:39,360
I thought you were just a man
in a shirt, sitting on a chair.
47
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,040
Your first two CDs,
I know every track.
48
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:48,520
Borneo Function.
49
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:50,800
Right. Nice.
50
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:55,120
Hans, this is...this... it's not
just a man, this is The Orgazoid!
51
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:56,240
Yeah, I know.
52
00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:57,760
Well, why didn't you say?
53
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:01,640
Can I get you a drink?
54
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,640
I'm full of Diet Coke here, man.
55
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,560
I haven't had a proper drink
for six years.
56
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,800
None of the party powder either.
57
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,480
Oh, right. I mean, you've been
as high as it's possible to go.
58
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:12,400
Well, yeah, yeah, I suppose I have.
59
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,480
And you've been as low
as it's possible to get.
60
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:16,360
Yeah, yeah, I have.
61
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,400
And what's it like
when you're up that high?
62
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,880
Ha, it's incredible!
63
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:22,760
And what's it like
when you're down that low?
64
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,320
Ah, it's terrible, it's horrible.
65
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:29,560
And what's it like
when you're in the middle?
66
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,360
It's, you know, it's fine.
67
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,280
Wow!
68
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:37,640
So, listen, a weird question.
I'm not sure if you're looking for
69
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:41,040
work or what, but I'm looking
for a kind of like handyman.
70
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:44,040
My place is going to shit
since I split up with my ex.
71
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:47,120
Well, that sounds amazing!
72
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,480
'Orgazoid's handyman.
This is a dream come true!'
73
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:54,840
'Handyman to chauffeur to keyboard
player, it's a very well
established career path.'
74
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,400
Oh, man, my job is the nuts!
75
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,120
I had a great first day.
76
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,600
By your job,
you mean being a handyman
77
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,640
for a man called The Orgazoid.
78
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:09,800
He's not a man, he's a band.
He's one of the most brilliant
techno pioneers of alltime
79
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,720
and he's paying me 500 quid a week
in advance, in cash.
80
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:17,400
What?! Come on, Jeremy, nobody
gets paid £500 a week to do nothing.
81
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:20,280
It's not nothing. Making
smoothies from a smoothie maker
82
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,400
is not nothing. You should try
cleaning one of those mothers.
83
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,360
There's gotta be a catch.
You're gonna be his drugs mule.
84
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:29,320
He's gonna sell your organs
or invite a German round
from the internet to eat you.
85
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,720
I mean, where did you even meet him?
86
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,600
The Snooker Club that
used to be a public toilet?
87
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,880
I'm concerned
about this arrangement.
88
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:39,360
Why does everything good have to
be some horrible arrangement?
89
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:42,840
Me and Russell are just
two guys having a nice time.
90
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,120
That's what life is supposed to
be like, in case you've forgotten.
91
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,000
All right, whatever.
92
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,240
Look, I'm going out, so...
93
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,240
Going out?!
94
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:52,640
'What? He's not going out,
he can't.'
95
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,160
'He doesn't know how!'
96
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,240
Where? Who with?
97
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,200
Just to a nightclub.
98
00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,760
A nightclub?
99
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,760
Yes. Well, as you're always saying,
100
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:06,200
The Beastie Boys fought and possibly
died for my right to party, so...
101
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:09,120
Mark, come on,
what the hell's going on?
102
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,720
All right, look I've been invited to
103
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:16,320
the Polefield School Reunion
at a school disco club and...
104
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:16,320
But they all hated you at Polefield.
105
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,880
Well, the vast majority, but
there were some crumbs of comfort -
106
00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:23,080
the chess players, the musicians,
the poor and the posh-voiced.
107
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,680
We formed a sub-strata,
a secret society
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00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,480
below the radar of the norms.
109
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:28,400
The norms?
110
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:31,720
The normallows,
the Norman forces, our oppressors.
111
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,000
Right, well, this I have got to see.
112
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:37,400
I could invite Nancy.
Yeah, brilliant excuse to see her.
113
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:38,840
Haven't you got work in the morning?
114
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,480
Oh, yeah,
that's really gonna break his balls,
115
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,680
if I roll in an hour late.
Mark, this is Russell Orgazoid,
116
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,520
he's a creative, I'm a creative.
117
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,320
We don't make steam engines
118
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,240
out of pig iron in this
country any more, yeah?
119
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:53,280
We hang out,
we fuck around on the PlayStation,
120
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:57,360
we have some Ben and Jerry's,
that's how everyone makes
their money now, yeah?
121
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:02,240
Here they all are, my tormentors.
122
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,520
I hope Nancy gets here soon,
this is gonna be perfect.
123
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,520
She won't know anyone except me.
124
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,120
That's Faizel Butt.
125
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:13,320
He used to call me a flod.
I think it was a mixture
between a flid and spod.
126
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,800
That's Foz.
He used to sit behind me in French
127
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,000
and put bacon on my shoulders.
128
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:22,240
That's Terry Carpenter,
129
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:25,520
one of the more sophisticated
bullies.
130
00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:30,320
Pretended I was Thatcher and he was
Heseltine and that I needed ousting.
131
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,360
I need a drink.
132
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,000
'Oh, my God!'
133
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,720
'There she is -
lovely Sally Slater.'
134
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,560
'I should speak to her,
but what the hell can I say?'
135
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:44,800
'Anything that doesn't mention
I masturbate over her memory
is probably good.'
136
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,320
'I think that's a
compliment, but women just
don't seem to want to hear it.'
137
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:52,560
'No, just spend the evening looking
longingly at her from a distance,
138
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,000
'like the good old days.'
139
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,760
Mark! Is it Mark Corrigan?
140
00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:01,880
Yeah... I forget, are you...Sally?
Good to see you.
141
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:05,680
I have a job and a flat of my
own now, so it's great to see you.
142
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,640
God, you look great!
143
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:11,040
Thanks.
So, listen, can I get you a drink?
144
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:14,000
OK, great!
145
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,560
'Maybe everything
will be different now.'
146
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,560
'Maybe all the parameters
have shifted.'
147
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:22,040
'Most of my rivals
from school have probably
perished in Blair's oil wars.'
148
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:24,000
Hey, Nancy!
149
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:27,600
Hey, Jez! Great idea.
This is so much fun.
150
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,760
Come here and meet these great guys.
151
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,360
'She made some friends
pretty fucking quick!'
152
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:39,960
So now I'm finally doing an English
degree and I do a bit of cleaning
to pay the bills.
153
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,000
I listen to the set text on
my iPod when I'm hoovering.
154
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:44,680
Right, that's cool.
155
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:48,240
I hoover sometimes
cos I bought my flat and that
156
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,000
and from my job as an
executive I had plenty
157
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:51,840
of cash leftover to buy a hoover.
158
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:56,280
Are you boasting, Corrigan?
159
00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:56,280
No! I mean, maybe a bit.
160
00:07:56,680 --> 00:08:00,640
Do you remember
on that history field trip,
161
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:06,240
where you borrowed my Hitchhiker's
Guide and we both read it out
in funny voices?
162
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:11,840
I was thinking that was probably
one of the best days of my life.
163
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,480
What, really?
164
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:17,640
'Should I feel guilty? No, Sophie's
probably doing it with Geoff to the
165
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,240
'brutal rhythm of the oompah band.'
166
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:26,040
'Why shouldn't I have some mild
flirtation, a snog even, or more?'
167
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,000
Hello, sexy.
168
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,480
'Oh, great, bacon shoulders.'
169
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,160
Mark, you remember Foz?
170
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,440
All right, Corrigan.
171
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:33,920
Hi, Foz.
172
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,440
'Please don't hit
me for any reason, Foz.'
173
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:37,440
Foz and I are married now.
174
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:40,240
Oh, right. Great. 'Obviously!'
175
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:44,280
'Of course! Why didn't I just buy
an anvil and smash my face onto it?'
176
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:45,800
'It'd certainly be less hassle.'
177
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:47,320
So, have you got kids?
178
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,160
Not yet, why?
179
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:55,160
Oh, no reason. I mean, I love kids.
Not in a bad way, in a nice way.
180
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:59,520
I mean, I'm not on the Child
Protection Register... yet,
181
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,120
which proves I'm not a paedo.
182
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,680
'This is going horribly!
Need a joke.'
183
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:08,360
Either that or I'm an
incredibly hard-to-detect paedo.
184
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,640
'Just move on from
the paedo area entirely!'
185
00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:15,280
Jez, this is Foz and Sally. Jeremy.
186
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:18,760
All right, mate.
So, you're mates with Wankathon?
187
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:19,640
I'm sorry?
188
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:21,520
Mark Wankathon, you remember?
189
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:26,840
At school? You got taught
the wrong way to rub one out
and you tried it for two hours.
190
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,320
'Shit, this is just like school.'
191
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,360
'Have to side with the powerful
to survive.'
192
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,080
Two hours..
193
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:40,400
Oh, I fucking hate this track.
It's brilliant. Come on, saucepot.
194
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,880
'Eugh, just like school.
I have to sit and watch while the
195
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,680
'beautiful people dance at me,
except...
196
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,160
'No, she wants me to call her!'
197
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,400
'It's worked! all my references
to how much above
198
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,760
'the national average income
I earn have actually worked!'
199
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:59,840
'Oh, yeah, making smoothies
at the Orgazoid's house!'
200
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:03,280
'This is the kind of job I deserve.
I've paid my dues, all those years
201
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,920
'signing on, every bloody week.'
202
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,640
Ah, nice. Thanks, man.
203
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,360
Yeah, take five, if you want.
Swim a few lengths.
204
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,400
Oh. Cheers, Russell.
Yeah, maybe I will.
205
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:17,760
'Nothing dodgy about this,
just going for a swim in my trunks.'
206
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,720
'I can't swim in a three-piece suit.
So screw you, cynics!'
207
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,800
Ah, now listen, before I forget,
208
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,040
I thought you might like this.
209
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:29,800
I did a few different versions
of Borneo Function
that never got released.
210
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:30,880
I thought you might
get a kick out of them.
211
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:32,440
Oh, my God!
212
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:37,080
'Wow! Super Hans is gonna shit
a brick when I show him this.'
213
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:40,000
'Finally, something to beat that car
battery he nicked off The Prodigy.'
214
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:44,880
OK, well,
great chatting to you, Sally.
215
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:45,880
Hi, honey, I'm home.
216
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,920
And good luck with Midnight's
Children. Remember no-one's ever
217
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,480
actually finished it. Bye.
'Great call.'
218
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,200
'Friendly but flirty,
didn't overstep the mark.'
219
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,520
'I could show Sophie the transcript,
220
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,000
'maybe I should start
taping my phone calls.'
221
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,400
'No, Mark,
that's how they got Nixon!'
222
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:01,640
What's that?
223
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:03,680
Just a jumper Russell got for me.
224
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:06,760
He bought you a jumper?!
What else has he bought you?
225
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:10,000
Nothing! Jesus!
A squash racket.
226
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:14,320
Jeremy, what's going on?
Squash rackets are not
a normal form of remuneration.
227
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:19,680
He doesn't have anyone to play with,
and two people can't share one
bloody racket. Case closed, Columbo.
228
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:26,360
So, listen, I've organised
a trip to the safari park on
Saturday with Sally and Foz.
229
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:31,560
The safari park with that
dickhead Foz?! Have you gone mental?
230
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,560
It's an ironical day out.
231
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:36,080
Oh, I get it. You're just another
dirty dog like everyone else.
232
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:42,160
I am not a dirty dog, but I do need
you to come as my... sheath.
233
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,280
Your sheath?
234
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:47,920
As long as you're there it's just
four people having an apparently
nice time at an outdatedvenue.
235
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:51,240
Fucking hell! What's going on?
236
00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:53,160
Are you trying to get your end
away while Sophie's not here?
237
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,760
Sophie has not called me once yet,
238
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:58,320
so there is actually
a perfectly valid excuse
239
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,280
for what I'm almost certainly
not going to try to do, OK?
240
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,080
OK, if Sally was sitting here now
241
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:04,160
and she said, "Mark, let's do it "
what would you say?
242
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:07,800
If she promised she wasn't a Glenn
Close type and happened to have a
243
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,680
recent clean Aids certificate?
244
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:09,680
Yes.
245
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:14,640
That's a hypothetical question. I
don't answer hypothetical questions.
246
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:17,440
You're disgusting,
247
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:22,400
but I like it! It's like going
to a strip joint with the Pope!
248
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:27,920
A fucking safari park?!
249
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:27,920
It's cool. It's retro.
250
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,280
Exactly.
251
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:31,880
'What exactly is my plan here?'
252
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:36,120
'Lured them all to the safari park
like a Bond villain,
but what's the aim?'
253
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:40,880
'Torture myself with contact with
an unattainable woman, or what?'
254
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:45,960
Yeah, I wasn't sure if I was gonna
make it cos of my job, but my boss
was actually really coolabout it.
255
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,760
That's because it's not a real job.
256
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,600
Oh, yeah? What about this?
Is that real enough for you?
257
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,840
Don't flaunt your wad, Jeremy,
it's not becoming.
258
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:58,080
Well, you're becoming a pain
in the arse. How do you like that?
259
00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,360
You wanker, Corrigan!
260
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,880
Hey!
261
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,240
See how much money
you earned this week.
262
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:03,520
Give it back!
263
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:06,400
Not a lot in here, Mark,
apart from a couple of moths.
264
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:06,400
Give that back!
265
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,760
Oops! Butter fingers!
266
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,640
Jeremy, for God's sake!
267
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,680
Foz, stop the car, stop the car,
Foz, he's thrown my wallet out!
268
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,880
Oh, my God, he never!
269
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,640
Stop the car, Foz,
it's Mark's wallet!
270
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,480
So, are you gonna go and get it?
271
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,720
No, we need to call the warder.
272
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,240
Don't be a dick! Go and get it.
273
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,440
Wh-Wh-What if the lions eat me?
274
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:31,200
The lions aren't gonna eat you, Mark.
Just nip and get it.
275
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,200
You should go and get it.
276
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,200
I'm not gonna get it.
277
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,520
Why should I have to bloody get it?
278
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:36,760
Now, come on Mark, just get it.
Get it, get it...
279
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,720
Get it, get it, get it, get it.
280
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:43,080
Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it!
281
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,960
Fucking hell!
282
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:50,320
'Wow! I'm getting big laughs
off humiliating my best mate.'
283
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,000
'How can something so wrong
feel so right?'
284
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,200
'Shit, this isn't good.'
285
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,240
'There are lions.
There are lions everywhere!'
286
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:01,600
'Where are they?
Is there one behind that tree?'
287
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,200
'Jeremy's literally thrown me
to the bloody lions!'
288
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,200
'What's next, crucifixion?'
289
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,520
'Is he gonna have me
actually nailed on to a cross?'
290
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,520
Whey!
291
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:12,200
Oh, you bloody bastards! Stop!
292
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:16,600
Let me in, you bloody bastards!
293
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,200
It's not funny, Foz.
For fuck's sake, stop!
294
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:22,960
All right, all right, all right.
Here he comes... Whey!
295
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,520
'Christ! What do you do
to avoid lion attack?'
296
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,640
'Soil yourself?'
297
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:29,320
'Or is that grizzly bears?'
298
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:32,480
'Hate to shit myself for
no reason, and get eaten.'
299
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:34,280
'The final humiliation.'
300
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:46,680
'Still nothing from Sophie. Probably
busy boning Geoff in Frankfurt.'
301
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,200
'Highly unlikely, but possible.'
302
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:52,360
'I should at least try to feel
jealous and betrayed, then I'll feel
303
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,080
'less of a shit
about pursuing Sally.'
304
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,520
Oh, hi, Jez. Nancy.
305
00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:00,120
You're here. I thought you'd
be down at the Orgazoid's.
306
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:04,160
Actually Russell had to go off
to Norway this morning, so I'm
just here. Is that all right, Dad?
307
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:05,920
Well, yeah.
308
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,360
Are you all right?
309
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,040
Yes, I'm fine.
310
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,200
'What's bothering him?
He's thinking about something.'
311
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,680
'He never normally
thinks about things.'
312
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,480
So will you ask him now?
313
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,680
Is it OK if Nancy uses
the computer to redo her CV?
314
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:23,480
My computer?
315
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,480
Your computer,
the computer, whatever.
316
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:24,680
PHONE
317
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,120
'Sally!'
318
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:27,000
Sure. Hello.
319
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,320
"Hi, Mark, how are you doing?"
320
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,880
Oh, good. Good, thanks.
321
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,000
"I'm so sorry about yesterday."
322
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:37,440
Oh, don't worry, that's fine.
It was funny... Probably.
323
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:40,720
If it hadn't been happening to me,
it might have been funny.
324
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:43,160
"It was great seeing you.
It'd be great to meet up again."
325
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,960
Oh, right. Well, I'd love to.
326
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,640
"How about tomorrow? I could drop
round to your flat about three?"
327
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:52,320
Yeah, the flat. That sounds lovely.
328
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:54,000
'I can't invite her round here.'
329
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,480
'Anyone could be here.
Sophie will find out.'
330
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:59,560
'Nothing's gonna happen, but
nothing must remain a total secret.'
331
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,720
"So, what's your address?"
332
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,000
Er, m-my address...
Hold on, let me just check.
333
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,280
"You need to check your address?"
334
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:08,280
Well, I do like to be
totally accurate.
335
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:11,440
Jez, what's Orgazoid's...
Russell's address?
336
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:12,120
Why?
337
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:12,960
Just give it to me.
338
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:13,800
No, why?
339
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,280
Because I'm a dirty dog, all right.
340
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:17,800
31 Bishop's Avenue.
341
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,760
Hey, 31, Bishop's Avenue.
342
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,160
"Ooh, posh!"
343
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,920
"So, see you tomorrow."
344
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,400
Yep, see you there...here, then.
345
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,080
"Bye."
346
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:32,040
So, Jez, do you think
it would be all right if I...
347
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:35,280
sort of borrowed
Russell's house?
348
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,440
No. I don't particularly want to go
to that place right now,
if I'm honest.
349
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:39,520
Well, that's OK.
350
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:41,200
If you prefer, you can just
give me the keys and I'll...
351
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,120
No, you need me to do the alarms.
352
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:47,880
There's like six different alarms,
but I'm just feeling a bit weird
about the whole situation.
353
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,160
Yeah? Why?
354
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,800
Well, as it turns out...
355
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:59,120
there were... there are
certain additional duties
which I was expected toperform.
356
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,120
Duties? What duties?
357
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:03,840
Well, you know, I'm his handyman.
358
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,000
Yes?
359
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:10,280
It's just he did expect me to...
360
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,840
give him a...hand.
361
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,400
You gave him a hand?
362
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,840
I helped him out.
363
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:22,440
You helped him out by...
giving him a hand?
364
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:29,680
Wow! Just to clarify, you do mean...
365
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:31,240
Yes.
366
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:33,120
Shit!
367
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,960
'I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.'
368
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,520
And now I don't know what to do,
cos on the one hand...
369
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:43,120
On the one hand, it's a really
good job, but on the other, I don't
370
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:46,960
really want to go back to that place
or have anything to do with him.
371
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:50,280
God, that's a really tough decision.
372
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,280
'Stay! Stay so I can use the house.'
373
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,160
I got Super Hans to fill in
yesterday. Said I was sick.
374
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:59,440
There's loads needs doing before
he comes back, but I just feel
a bit dirty, you know.
375
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,600
Mmm, yeah, I know what you mean.
376
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:05,600
I feel the same sometimes when I
come back from JLB and I've had to
377
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,560
do loads of spreadsheets.
378
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,160
I don't think it is the same, Mark.
379
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,720
I feel like my soul is
being chipped away bit by bit.
380
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:15,440
Welcome to the world of work,
Jeremy.
381
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:18,640
You know, you don't have to be crazy
to work here, but it helps.
382
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,360
And you don't have to be a
smackhead to wank off old geezers,
but that probably helps too.
383
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,240
DOOR BUZZER
384
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,400
Why didn't you tell me
about the wanking-off bit?
385
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,760
Sorry, I didn't think.
386
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,480
Well, you should have bloody thought.
Jesus!
387
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,400
Did you do it?
388
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:37,480
Course I did. How do you think
I got these trainers?
389
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,680
What's going on?
Who's wanking who off?
390
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,240
Jeremy's been wanking off
this bloke for cash.
391
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,640
No, I haven't. It's not...
392
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,280
Jeremy, that is so you.
393
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,520
I always knew you'd end up
doing something like that.
394
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,560
What do you mean, that is so me?
395
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,480
That is not so me.
396
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:59,680
'So I have to jerk him off,
but at least I get a lift home.'
397
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:04,320
'Never mind.
Only a few hand shandies
between me and a home studio.'
398
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,600
I had a chance to think in Norway.
399
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:08,880
About us.
400
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:10,840
Us? Yeah?
401
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,760
I've never had to pay for it before
402
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,600
and I don't think
I wanna pay for it with you.
403
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:17,480
Oh, right.
404
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,480
So, can I stop doing it?
405
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:26,160
Well, I want you to keep doing it,
but I want you to do it
because you want to do it.
406
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,520
It's just,
I don't really want to do it.
407
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,600
Could I start wearing a mitten?
Or maybe chuck a flannel over it?
408
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,320
It's just really difficult for me,
because I really like you.
409
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,840
I just don't think we should
see each other for a while.
410
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:42,000
I'm going away
to get my head together.
411
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:45,800
No, but the thing is,
I really like you too
412
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:49,480
and I've been hiding my true
feelings, even from myself,
413
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,280
but now they're all coming out...
What a lot of feelings.
414
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:53,760
I'm sorry, Jez.
415
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,480
'Home studio slipping away!'
416
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,960
No, really, I mean it. I like you.
417
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,240
Fuck that, I love you
and I want to have sex with you.
418
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:01,480
No, Jeremy!
419
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,480
Let me have a go
on the old gear stick.
I'll take it up to fourth.
420
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,160
This is not what I want.
Fuck off, Jez!
421
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:14,440
'So, as it stands, I'm failing
to find work as a prostitute.'
422
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,120
'That doesn't feel good.
Still, got his house keys.'
423
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:20,760
If I keep working for him,
he'll have to keep paying me.
424
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,600
So this is your flat?
425
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,400
This is it.
I call it a flat, because I'm
426
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:30,360
quite modest, but, as you can see,
it's actually quite a massive house.
427
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:34,800
'Shit. Am I seriously hoping
to have sex with Sally Slater?'
428
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:36,880
'This is all very wrong.'
429
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:44,800
I always knew you'd do well for
yourself, but this is amazing.
430
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,320
'Relax. You don't go
to adulterers' prison
431
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:44,800
'for drinking tea
and playing Connect Four.'
432
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,600
And Jeremy?
Is he like your butler?
433
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,040
There's not much else he can do
in the real world.
434
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:53,240
I've been very lucky
and I like to spread that around.
435
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,800
'Glad I sprayed my nuts
with aftershave though.'
436
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:59,120
'You never know how things might
turn out. I'm no Nostradamus.'
437
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:01,000
I never knew you were
into stuff like this.
438
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:05,520
Oh, I just...really
appreciate the male form.
439
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:09,000
Right. I mean, I think it's
kind of beautiful, I suppose.
440
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,800
Yeah, there is something beautiful
about the male member.
441
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:16,200
It's good to have a look at it,
now and again.
442
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:19,480
A reminder of what can happen,
if you're not careful.
443
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,160
'What am I saying?'
444
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,480
'At least he's going. Don't need
a witness to this fiasco.'
445
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:27,960
Here, Sally, I got you a present.
446
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:32,040
Hitchhiker's Guide. It's the same
copy we read from at Sutton Hoo.
447
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:37,640
I got it signed by Douglas Adams
when he came to the big WH Smith's.
448
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,720
Oh, this is lovely. Thank you.
449
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:42,800
It's so... romantic.
450
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,280
It's the perfect way
to start our affair.
451
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,000
Our affair?
452
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:51,040
OK, that sounds good. What sort
of affair were you thinking of?
453
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,640
The Dreyfus Affair
or more like the Watergate Affair?
454
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,240
Cos I can tell you right now
I'm not burgling any Democrats.
455
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:57,960
Relax.
456
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,320
We both want it to happen.
457
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,680
'Oh, my God, she's gonna kiss me.'
458
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,320
'I'm such a bastard.
I'm meant to be getting married.'
459
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:08,320
'I'm out of my depth. I thought
she was a frightened little
suburban mouse,
460
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,280
'but, no, she's my nightmare -
461
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:14,440
'a liberated, sexually adventurous,
urban woman.'
462
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,720
Er, Sally, look,
I'm really not sure I...
463
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:21,080
'What am I doing? This isn't me,
I can't have an affair.'
464
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:24,000
'I'm not French. I'm the least
French person on the planet.'
465
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,920
'My favourite cheeses
are Cheddar and Red Leicester.'
466
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:33,360
Look, I'm sorry, Sally, I just
don't know if I can do this.
467
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,160
I mean, you've got your...
468
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,680
miserable relationship and the
truth is I've got one of my own.
469
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:43,320
I just feel that, you know,
if it ain't broke, don't fix it,
470
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:47,960
and even if it is broke, just ignore
it and maybe it'll be sort of OK,
471
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,760
like the environment.
472
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,520
CAR DOOR SLAMS SHUT
473
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,440
Who's that?
474
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,440
'Is Russell back?'
475
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:56,280
'Oh, no!'
476
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:57,440
Foz!
477
00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:59,680
Shit. He's fucking followed me again.
478
00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:02,280
He's obsessed with the idea
that I'm screwing around on him.
479
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:05,480
Well, I mean, I suppose
you are sort of trying to...
480
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:07,880
Look, the door's locked and...
481
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:08,240
Foz? >
482
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:09,240
Where's Sally? >
483
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:10,400
'Great. Thanks, Jeremy'
484
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:11,680
Sally! >
485
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:13,840
Shit! Hide!
486
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,280
I'll just say I'm working here,
cleaning.
487
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,200
I can't hide. I'm not a good hider.
488
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:23,040
'What the hell am I doing? I'm doing
a Jeremy. This is a wake-up call.'
489
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:23,480
Sally!
490
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:24,480
'I've definitely hit a new low.'
491
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,360
Foz? What are you doing here?
492
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:29,480
What the fuck are you doing here?
Are you screwing Wankerthon's mate?
493
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,760
Of course I'm bloody not,
I'm cleaning, you arsehole.
494
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,920
This is Mark's flat
and Jeremy's his servant.
495
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,960
Well, not servant really.
More of a...
496
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:40,440
PHONE
497
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:42,960
'Shit! Now she calls.'
498
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:44,320
What's that?
499
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:48,320
That's just the normal
ringing noise. That's normal.
500
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:49,320
Yeah?
501
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:53,720
'Oh, must hide more.
Can't hide' more.
502
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:55,280
Corrigan.
503
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,040
Are you spying on my wife?
504
00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:01,560
Are you wanking over her?
505
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,080
Er...
506
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:07,680
Yes.
507
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,240
Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
508
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,320
I'm spying on her and...
509
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,120
wanking over her.
510
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:18,720
You really are
a filthy little perv, aren't you?
511
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:21,080
Uh-huh, I suppose so.
512
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,920
Come on, we're going.
513
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:28,360
'Wow, he didn't hit me.
Bit disappointing.'
514
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:29,960
'I thought I deserved to be hit.'
515
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:34,440
Cheer up, Mark. Least now you've
got a funny story to tell people.
516
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:39,920
Yes, I guess this is
a pretty funny story.
517
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:44,680
'One that I'll never ever tell
anyone because of my deep
and burning shame.'
518
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:58,200
everybody's coming to get me
519
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,760
with the moles
41835
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