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1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:04,600
This programme contains strong
language from the outset.
2
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:19,560
I'll see you at the office.
3
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,600
Yep.
Everything all right?
4
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,280
Yep, fine. Sure.
5
00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:26,760
'It's what I said
about her trainers.
6
00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:30,760
'She shouldn't have asked
if she didn't want to know.
They are a bit clumpy.
7
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:35,440
'She's so moody. I'm marrying her,
what more does she want?
8
00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:36,760
What are you doing?
9
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,360
Just doodles, a logo, for when
10
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:42,080
people are in touch about doing
baseball caps with my initials on.
11
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,760
Right.
Good to be prepared.
12
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:49,360
Jeremy, is that post?
Are you doodling on my post?
13
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:52,320
When exactly were you
going to tell me about...
14
00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,080
Oh, my God!
15
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,440
It is from Matt Townsend.
16
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,320
Who's Matt Townsend?
17
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,760
Only the best personal trainer
in London,
18
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,080
according to Johnson.
He's got a window.
19
00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:04,440
He's got a window
and he's opening it for me.
20
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,400
Are you having a mental breakdown?
21
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:08,280
I'm just joining a gym.
22
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:14,080
Get some exercise and some time, not
away from Sophie, just without her.
23
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,120
You should join up too.
You get a free pen.
24
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:20,920
I don't need to pay money to
join a gym. The world is my gym.
25
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,800
The hills, the trees, the rivers.
They are my gym.
26
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:25,600
Well, the world is my gym, too,
27
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:29,800
it's just the bit of it
that's actually a gym,
that's going to be my gym.
28
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,840
Is that Big Suze?
29
00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:36,240
It's her birthday.
I'm going to pick the most savage
ones and then post them to her.
30
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,760
You haven't got over her
going off with Johnson?
31
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,320
I have,
this is how I've got over it.
32
00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,920
Have you got any spare carrier bags,
33
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:47,000
because I'm going out
to collect some dog shit.
34
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:53,360
'My new life has begun. Everything
is going to be different.'
35
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,600
Well done, dude.
You slacked off a bit
36
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,200
on the treadmill at the end.
37
00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,960
A champion is someone
who gets up even when they can't. OK?
38
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,120
OK, yeah.
39
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,960
'That's probably exactly
the kind of bullshit
40
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,520
'I'm going to need to believe
in my new life.'
41
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:12,000
That was your basic programme -
maybe we should talk about
special goals you've got.
42
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,120
My goals?
43
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,200
'Does hiding from my fiancee count?'
44
00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:18,560
No goals really, apart from
45
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,840
trying not to die,
and getting in shape for my wedding.
46
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,920
Getting married? Congratulations.
Thanks.
47
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:28,720
'It's fine,
just a couple of normal guys.
48
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,800
'Oh, great, here comes
the inevitable massive dong.
49
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:35,080
'Just look away. If I don't
look at it, it can't hurt me.'
50
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,600
You don't sound over the moon?
51
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,960
Oh, God, no, I'm...over the moon.
52
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:40,160
Are you not taking a shower?
53
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:43,680
Oh, no, no, I shower at home.
54
00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,640
It's good to,
it clears the pores after a workout.
55
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,520
Sure, yeah, I'm down with that.
56
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:51,040
No, it's just at home
I have a system.
57
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:51,880
A system?
58
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,800
Yeah, it's complicated.
59
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,880
I don't want to waste water
so I have my own methods,
60
00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:59,040
but they're all totally normal.
61
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,920
I'll explain them to you some time
over a beer. See you Friday.
62
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,040
See you. >
63
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,400
'Oh, that was horrible.
64
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,040
'Now he thinks I'm embarrassed
about my penis.
65
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:10,720
'When in fact, I'm not,
66
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:13,400
'I'm more concerned
about my misshapen scrotum.'
67
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,840
Hey, Corrigan,
your ass is hanging out!
68
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,520
Oh, my God! Nancy!
I didn't know you were...
69
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,960
I haven't seen you since...
70
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,640
Since I took off after marrying Jez?
71
00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:25,840
Er, yeah.
72
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,080
So what have you been up to?
73
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,520
I was supposed to hang out
with these Belgian nuns
74
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,680
but then I got waylaid
and ended up on crystal meth
75
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,480
assistant-managing
the IMAX in Bradford.
76
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,280
Oh, right.
77
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,720
It's really nice to see you again.
78
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,440
It's great to have
some down-time working here,
79
00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,840
all that crank
totally fucked with my mind.
80
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:48,240
It was pretty well blown
81
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:51,800
to pieces by the size of
the IMAX image every day, anyway.
82
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:54,880
Oh, yeah. Cranking it at the IMAX.
83
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,000
Don't I know it
84
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,800
'I've got to tell Jez about Nancy.
85
00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,280
'This will blow him away.
86
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,160
'Or could tip him over the edge.
87
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,400
'Maybe it would be kinder
not to tell him.
88
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:08,480
'It would give me
a weird feeling of secret power.
89
00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,040
'What's that man doing?
90
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:11,960
'I should do something.
91
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,600
'If decent people like me
do nothing, then what?
92
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,800
'They'll come for
the trade unionists.
93
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,640
'Although that wouldn't bother me
too much.
94
00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:21,560
'Hey, I know that weird run.'
95
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:22,160
Jeremy?
96
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:23,280
Mark?
97
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:24,880
What the hell are you doing?
98
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,160
I got a bit drunk and posted
that stuff to Big Suze,
99
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,200
and then I sobered up,
and had second thoughts.
100
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,080
For God's sake, Jeremy,
that's the post you set fire to.
101
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:38,400
The Royal Mail!
That's like burning a swan!
102
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,360
Oh, shit! Come on!
103
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,680
'I have already done running today.
104
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,960
'This is unnecessary exercise.'
105
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,560
What am I doing with my life?
106
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,080
'Finally.'
107
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,400
I'm such a cock ring.
I drove Nancy away,
108
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:55,360
Big Suze left me, I just wish
something would work out for me,
you know?
109
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,240
Maybe my life is just
on the wrong track.
110
00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:00,400
'I should tell him about Nancy,
111
00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:05,360
'but I don't want to distract him
from this massive dawning
realisation.'
112
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:10,280
I can't believe you saw her
last night but didn't say till now.
113
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,640
Last night
you were in an emotional state.
114
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,600
'By the morning, the weird feeling
115
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,400
'of secret power
had started to wear off.'
116
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:18,400
She must come in soon.
117
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,200
Good though, isn't it - the gym?
118
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,560
Kind of like being
a member of a club.
119
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,120
Excuse me, Eva.
120
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,920
We're out of juice.
121
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,000
Right,
but you have had a lot of juice.
122
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:33,280
There is an unwritten rule about
drinking all the complimentary juice.
123
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:36,360
Still, if it's unwritten ...
124
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:37,720
We do need more juice.
125
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:41,760
'Well, she's shitting on
the gentlemen's-club vibe.'
126
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:42,560
Nancy!
127
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:43,520
Hi, Jeremy.
128
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,440
This is so... Wow!
129
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,000
I didn't know you were
even back in the country.
130
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:50,520
Well, here I am. In the country.
131
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,960
Oops. Better be going,
nice bumping into you.
132
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,560
We should get together,
have a drink, reminisce.
133
00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:00,280
About what? The time you screwed
the next-door neighbour?
134
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:04,160
Or the good times?
The Robin Williams DVD marathon.
135
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:08,040
Come off it, Jez. You said he
was a moist-eyed camera hogger.
136
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:13,720
Or our wedding day. That was a
happy memory, remember that? Wifey?
137
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,640
She's gone.
138
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:19,040
Still, try again tomorrow,
she'll probably feel differently.
139
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,680
Can you give me another guest pass?
140
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,520
Another one?
It's important!
141
00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:27,120
They're worth £14 each.
I've only got three, and I'd like
to give one to someone else.
142
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:29,760
Who to? One of your "friends"?
143
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:33,080
Yes, one of my friends,
or I might need one for emergencies.
144
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:37,360
How am I going to see Nancy again
if you don't give me a pass?
She clearly hates me.
145
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,560
Maybe you should
take that as a sign.
146
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,240
I'm not giving up that easily.
147
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:43,320
Faint heart never won fair maid.
148
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:47,320
Right. The epigram that
starts the stalker's manifesto.
149
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:51,920
'Perfect. Job at the gym.
150
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:55,360
'If me and Nancy are trapped
together, she'll start to fancy me,
151
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,680
'like people fuck each other
in prison.'
152
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:03,120
So you do know it's very low pay?
153
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,040
That's OK. I'm fine with that.
154
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,240
And very long hours.
155
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:07,680
I like long hours.
156
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:11,200
You have to clean toilets,
and pull hair out of the plug holes.
157
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,120
I like that, it sounds interesting.
158
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,640
It's not interesting.
159
00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,600
I find that stuff interesting.
160
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,680
Are you writing a novel or something?
161
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,640
'Don't want to seem overqualified.'
162
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:22,320
What's a novel?
163
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,880
Pretty much a clean bill of health.
164
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:30,800
I did think I had ringworm once
but it turned out to be
a cigarette burn.
165
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,360
Whip off your top
and assume the position.
166
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,160
Sorry?
167
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,560
Massage. It's part of the warm-down.
168
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:39,760
Oh, right.
169
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,080
Great.
170
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:45,040
If you just want to get onto
your back to start off with.
171
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:48,480
'There isn't any chance I'm going to
get an erection, is there?
172
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:53,280
'Oh, my God, a man's hands
all over my naked body.
173
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:57,480
'I'm so tense, I'm like Waterford
crystal, I'll smash into pieces!'
174
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,480
Are you feeling any more positive
about the marriage?
175
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,320
Yeah, kind of.
176
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:05,440
Come on, Mark. The body is
the greatest lie-detector!
177
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:11,080
Any more knots in these calves
and I'll put you forward
for a scout badge.
178
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,560
Well, I... The truth is...
179
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:17,320
I'm not really sure
I want to get married.
180
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:21,000
Woah, shit, that's heavy.
I'm sorry to hear that.
181
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,120
Well, you need to get
yourself mentally prepared, dude.
182
00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,960
I can lend you this great book
on relationships.
183
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,960
'Eugh! It's like
he's got one hand on my body
and the other in my brain.
184
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,320
'Leave my brain alone!
185
00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:37,720
'I get my brain training
from Sudoku and Alain de Botton's
weekly podcasts.'
186
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:42,840
'Letting her go first,
just as though she's the same as me,
187
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,920
'or even better. God, I'm amazing.
188
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:49,480
'I hope they get to go on
the equipment free after hours,
that would be nice for them.'
189
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:50,240
Hi, Nancy.
190
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,120
Jeremy.
191
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:54,040
Yeah, I work here now.
Amazing coincidence, yeah?
192
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:55,320
Yeah, amazing.
193
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:59,960
Look, since we're going to
be work colleagues now,
194
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:04,320
I think it's important I clear
the air about me cheating on you.
195
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,760
That was a terrible, terrible
thing to do. I am sorry.
196
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:12,240
You know, I haven't even really
had sex since you left.
197
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:16,440
Really? Not even oral,
or foot jobs or tromboning?
198
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:23,160
No, sure. Maybe a bit of oral,
but I could never really enjoy it.
199
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,480
Jez, I'm not going
to get back with you,
200
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:30,200
but, if we're working together,
I guess we may as well try
and be friends.
201
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:33,080
We'll be friends.
Like the friends on Friends.
202
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,480
'Who were such good friends,
they got bored
203
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,080
'and screwed each other.'
204
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,360
So, what's new in your world?
205
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,000
I'm really into judo at the moment
206
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,120
and the instructor here, Matt,
is a hundred-degree hottie.
207
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,200
Uh-huh. Great.
208
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,120
God, I'd really love to bone him.
209
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:51,400
Well, that's what you should
do then. You should bone him.
210
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,880
I'd like to watch!
211
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,720
Only joking.
212
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:59,000
'Must remember, watching someone
you love having sex isn't fun.'
213
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,640
Are you seeing anyone?
214
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:01,720
No.
215
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:04,360
What about Eva?
She doesn't have a boyfriend.
216
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,120
I don't think so,
she's not really my type.
217
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:13,640
Because she's from the Third World
and lived in a hut?
218
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:13,640
Poland isn't in the Third World,
Nance. They don't live in huts.
219
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:18,480
Well, still, it's a shame,
she's a great girl and
she's like my best friend here.
220
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,040
Champers Spa, can I help?
221
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,120
'Maybe I could use Eva as a decoy.
222
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:29,080
'Hey, Nancy, I fancy your friend
and then, shit, my lips have
slipped and I'm kissingYOU.'
223
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:34,320
You know, I'm the first white
English person
on the cleaning staff.
224
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:38,520
I'm getting a whole new view of
life. The other side of the potato.
225
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:42,280
They have these sandwiches
but they don't come from shops,
226
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:45,120
they make them themselves.
227
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:47,040
I make my own sandwiches, Jeremy.
228
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:51,400
Making your own sandwiches
does not indicate a gritty life
on the never-never.
229
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,400
It's like Titanic.
You're upstairs
230
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:58,000
in your starched collar,
I'm down below decks dancing
a jig with the Poles
231
00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:01,160
and the Africans, having
a better time than you can imagine.
232
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,040
Just make sure you clean up
the changing-room toilet,
233
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:08,840
there's a big pool of rusty water by
the urinals and it turns my stomach.
234
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,080
MOBILE RINGS
235
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,800
Hello?
236
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,200
'Hi, Mark, what are you doing?'
237
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:17,280
Oh, just hanging out in the gym,
you know. Pushing for the burn.
238
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:21,240
'Oh, right. I was hoping
I might see you tonight.'
239
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,920
I'd love to, it's just I've got
a session booked with Matt, and...
240
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:28,400
'I wouldn't want to stop you
getting fit for the wedding.'
241
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:31,120
'Physical wellbeing,
the perfect alibi.'
242
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,200
'See you tomorrow in the office.'
243
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,200
OK, then. See you.
244
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:35,240
'Bye.'
245
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:36,640
Sophie.
246
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:37,960
Hey, Nancy!
247
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,520
Hey, Jez.
248
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:43,480
I've been thinking about
what we discussed, and...
249
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,120
I do actually, definitely,
fancy Eva.
250
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:47,680
Thought she wasn't your type?
251
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,600
You know me, I don't have a type.
252
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:51,920
If it moves, I'll try and hump it.
253
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,800
Why don't we all go to the cinema?
254
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,800
OK, and why don't I invite Matt?
Double date.
255
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:57,960
'Fuck!'
256
00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,880
Do you want to risk asking him?
257
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:04,040
There's a chance he might just laugh
in your face and call you a slag.
258
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:05,680
Right, God, no.
259
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,560
Um, why don't you put in
a good word for me with Matt
260
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,120
and I'll put in a good word
for you with Eva.
261
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:14,200
Great! OK, We'll set it up for
the staff party on Thursday.
262
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:16,240
Thanks, you're awesome, Jez.
263
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:18,600
'Yeah, I'm awesome all right.
264
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,160
'I'm an awesome shit.
265
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:23,200
'I'm the cuckoo in the nest,
the python in the toy box.
266
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:27,000
'And, quite possibly,
the man of your dreams.'
267
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,240
Er, it's Matt, isn't it.
268
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:33,720
And you are?
269
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:35,800
Jeremy. Yeah.
270
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,400
I've got a message
from Nancy on reception.
271
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,280
The gorgeous blonde?
272
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:44,640
Yeah, she says she's seen you
looking at her and she thinks
you're disgusting.
273
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,720
Oh, shit.
274
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:49,720
Yeah. She says you stare
at her like a sex offender.
275
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:53,000
And if you keep doing it,
she'll call the police.
276
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,600
God!
277
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:58,320
Well, she did smile at me once,
so I just caught her eye.
278
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,600
Could you tell her I'm sorry?
279
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,280
I'll tell her.
280
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:08,000
But she says if she sees you doing
it again, she knows some bad dudes
and they'll...
281
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,200
Do you even want to know?
282
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,200
I'd better.
283
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:15,720
She says they'll rip your cock off
and stuff it in your mouth.
284
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:16,440
Jeez!
285
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,000
Sorry to be the messenger.
Don't shoot me!
286
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,640
No, dude, thanks for letting me know.
287
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:24,440
It's cool.
I've got your back, dude.
288
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,720
'And I've got your hairy plums
in the palm of my hand.'
289
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,200
'Might as well pile on
a few more spoonfuls.
290
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:36,240
'Who cares if I put on weight?
I'm engaged to be married!
291
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:37,600
'Mating season is over.'
292
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,080
Mark, you're not full yet?
293
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:45,520
This is just fuel for the engine,
I'll burn this off on the treadmill
in, like, a second.
294
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:48,360
Do you think we're a good couple?
295
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,360
'Uh-oh.'
296
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:49,800
Um, yeah.
297
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:54,120
I mean, you've got to be realistic,
we're no Edward and Mrs Simpson,
but, yeah.
298
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,280
'I think that was a good answer.'
299
00:13:56,320 --> 00:14:00,920
Do you think we spend
enough time together?
300
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,920
Um... 'Where's this going?'
301
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,360
Well, yeah, I think we do.
302
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,840
You just seem to spend
so much time in the gym,
303
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:09,440
you seem to love it so much,
I was thinking maybe I might join.
304
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:10,560
'Shit!'
305
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,880
Oh, well, that would be...
306
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,160
great.
307
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:17,400
It would be fun, the two of us
doing something together.
308
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,920
I could go on the exercise bike
in front of you,
309
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,000
we could pretend
you were chasing me!
310
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:25,560
'Brilliant. She's located my
bunker and now she's invading.
311
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,960
'She's flushing me out
with dogs and grenades
312
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,120
'and a sincere desire
to spend time with me.'
313
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:35,360
'Staff party. Nancy.
314
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:40,000
'Sauna. Champagne.
This should be happening to me
on a daily fucking basis.'
315
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,560
Jeremy. Where's Eva?
316
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,040
Oh. She went to chill out
in the flotation tank.
317
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:50,320
Right. Aren't you two supposed to...?
318
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:50,320
No, no. I made a joke about
Lech Walesa, she took offence,
319
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:55,040
she started getting snitty about UK
hip-hop, so things just fell apart.
320
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,080
Oh. That's a shame.
321
00:14:57,120 --> 00:15:01,520
'I could use my sauna line.'
322
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:05,040
Cor, it's like a sauna in here!
323
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,640
'Classic line. A great line.
324
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,040
'Must manoeuvre
more dates into saunas.'
325
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,880
So, how's it going. Enjoy the party?
326
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:15,280
Not really. Matt spent
the whole evening looking past me.
327
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,000
Did you talk to him?
328
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,360
Er, as a matter of fact, I did.
329
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,680
What did he say?
330
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,720
I probably shouldn't tell you.
331
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,280
Oh, come on, please.
332
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,360
He's not into anything serious,
333
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:31,520
he's looking for,
quote unquote, a fuck monkey.
334
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:33,480
A fuck monkey? He said that?
335
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:36,080
Yeah, and not even
a good kind of fuck monkey.
336
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:37,560
I can't believe he'd say that.
337
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,720
Men do and say horrible things.
338
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,680
I know I have. But I'm lucky,
339
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:46,840
because I've been given another
chance to be your friend.
340
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:51,120
And I wouldn't trade a moment of
that friendship for a lifetime of
341
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:52,880
fuck-monkey jungle action.
342
00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:54,480
ALARM
343
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:55,400
What the...
344
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,120
It's Eva in the flotation tank!
345
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:58,720
She's hit the panic button.
346
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,360
'The gooseberry's revenge!
347
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:04,040
'That hairy gooseberry, she couldn't
stay in her bloody punnet!'
348
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,360
How did that get on there?
349
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:10,720
I don't know, maybe some stoned
weightlifter playing a prank
or something.
350
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,520
I couldn't get out!
351
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:15,560
It was so dark. So dark.
352
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,880
There are worse places
to get trapped.
353
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:20,240
I mean, you must be
bloody relaxed by now.
354
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:37,240
'Ugh. Why do they
have to park the bikes
right in front of the sexualiser?
355
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:41,280
'Be so demeaning
to get a bonk on while exercising.'
356
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:43,560
Come on, dude,
let's take it all the way up.
357
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,800
Can you take some more? Can you?
Do you want it?
358
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,600
'What am I meant to say?
Can I say no?'
359
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:53,600
I want it. He's broken me,
I'll say anything now.
360
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:55,560
That's Alpine uphill.
361
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,360
That's serious shit.
Work it, big man.
362
00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,600
How's the food plan?
What did you have for dinner?
363
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:04,800
Well, I was late in,
the fridge was bare...
364
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:05,760
What was it, dude?
365
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:09,160
Pizza from San Marcos.
366
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,240
San Marcos! When there's a sushi bar
right next door?
367
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,360
You're going to end up
fat like a house.
368
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:18,480
I mean, take a look at my stomach.
Yes, have a look at yours.
369
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:21,000
'Oh, God.'
370
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,440
Which is better?
371
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:25,280
'Could claim mine is better...'
372
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:30,280
Yours.
373
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:30,280
Exactly. No more pizza.
What are you doing tonight?
374
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:31,400
Going to the pub with Jeremy.
375
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,400
Don't go to the pub with Jeremy.
376
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,240
Ask Sadie out for a smoothie.
377
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:37,960
Her? Why?
378
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,440
You need some options now things are
going down the shitter with Sophie.
379
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,760
But be a bit quiet, maybe, Matt.
380
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,840
Relax, fat boy. Now, come on,
let's take it up a notch.
381
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:49,080
Let's rocket all the way to the top.
Can you take some more?
382
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:53,280
Do you want some more? Do you?
Do you want it? Do you want it?
383
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:54,000
No!
384
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:54,520
What?
385
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,920
No, I don't want it. All right?
386
00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:01,000
Fuck off. You've made it too hard.
I can hardly fucking pedal.
387
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:04,040
No mountain is that hard.
It's just not realistic.
388
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,760
OK, I've got two bits
of bad news, one affecting me,
389
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,240
the other affecting you.
Which do you want to hear first?
390
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:14,880
The one affecting me,
391
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,440
then I can have
the one affecting you as dessert.
392
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:21,560
OK. Nancy told me she spoke to Matt
at judo class
393
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:22,560
and she's going to ask him out
on a date.
394
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,000
What about all my fuck monkey stuff?
395
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,640
Well she said she decided
it wouldn't be so bad
396
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:31,440
spending all day eating bananas
and fucking with Matt Townsend.
397
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,760
Oh, shit. That's disgusting.
398
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,200
I'm depressed.
399
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,480
What's your bad news?
400
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,400
Sophie's planning to join the gym.
401
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:40,640
What's so bad about that?
402
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,640
I told Matt
I don't want to marry her.
403
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:43,240
Oh.
404
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:46,000
She's getting dangerously close
to my web of lies.
405
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,840
But isn't it quite good
if she does find out?
406
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,720
I mean, you know,
so you don't break both your hearts?
407
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,560
No, she can't ever know.
408
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,520
It's all arranged, Jeremy,
it's an arranged marriage.
409
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:59,200
My dad literally congratulated me,
Jez.
410
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:03,440
He sent me a greetings card
with a pre-printed message
expressing a good deal of happiness.
411
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:07,440
This is my chance
to be a proper human being.
412
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,960
Right, yeah.
413
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:14,240
'Like that's ever going to happen.'
414
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:14,240
And now Matt's going to spill
the beans to Sophie or to Nancy
415
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,720
and then she'll tell Sophie.
What am I going to do, Jez?
416
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,600
Well what am I going to do?
417
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,120
Maybe I'll tell Nancy
Matt's got Aids.
418
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:25,400
Then she'd say, "Sorry,"
and he'd say, "Why?" And
she'd say, "I thought you had Aids."
419
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,120
And he'd say, "No."
And then they'd just start fucking.
420
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,360
Jeremy, both of us can't pace.
421
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,760
It's like a prison yard in here.
422
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,200
Sorry.
423
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:33,560
We need to get rid of Matt.
424
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,320
Yeah, get rid of Matt,
Fast, before Nancy asks him out.
425
00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:39,360
We need a clever plan.
What word de Botton do?
426
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,880
An evil Alain de Botton?
427
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,560
Kill him.
428
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,240
There's an incinerator
round the back of the gym.
429
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:48,920
De Botton wouldn't kill,
we're not going to kill him.
430
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,840
We could say he poohs in the pool.
431
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,360
Hmm.
432
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,040
That's not beyond
the realms of possibility.
433
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,960
He'd definitely get the sack
for that.
434
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,560
What kind of a freak would do that?
It'd screw his chances with Nancy.
435
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:04,240
Yes, could work.
436
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,560
Although, I suppose, I mean...
437
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,840
one of us would have to...
438
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:10,280
In the pool.
439
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:11,680
No, just lie.
440
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:16,480
Shame in a way, because I've always
kind of wanted to pooh in a pool.
441
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:19,160
Really?
I did not know that about you.
442
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:26,080
I really don't feel comfortable
about this, Jez.
443
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:28,480
It'll be fine, just follow my lead.
444
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,080
Oh, sorry to keep you, Mr Corrigan.
445
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:35,960
'Well, this is going to be
incredibly painful,
446
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,600
'but at least I'm doing
the right thing. Sort of.'
447
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:42,720
I understand you might be able to
back up Jeremy's story about the...
448
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,920
..item found in the pool.
449
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:51,520
'Oh, my God! He actually...
He couldn't resist!
450
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,040
Did you see Matt Townsend do this?
451
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:58,680
Well, I didn't actually see him,
but I...I have my suspicions.
452
00:20:58,720 --> 00:20:59,640
Why?
453
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:03,880
He mentioned to me
that he likes to do that.
454
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,080
He did?
455
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,720
Yes, he said he loves to do that.
456
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,360
OK, I'll have a word with Matt.
457
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:15,600
My apologies. But I'm sure
we can straighten this out.
458
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,680
'Not straighten out.
Sack the innocent man.'
459
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,040
There was that other thing.
460
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:22,760
Another thing?
461
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:25,440
Yes, the other thing.
462
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,720
Remember? What you told me?
463
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:30,240
About your knob?
464
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:37,320
Oh, er...yes, erm...
465
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,760
I didn't want to mention that,
but...
466
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,400
Matt, he...
467
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,680
..touched my penis.
468
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,800
Karen, could you ask Matt Townsend
to come to my office immediately?
469
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:59,640
They say I did a pooh in the pool?
470
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,920
And I... And I touched him?
471
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:05,320
Yes.
472
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:08,920
Can you describe
exactly what happened, Mr Corrigan?
473
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,480
Um, well, he was giving me a massage
474
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:20,880
and he was going up my legs
and my thighs
475
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:25,760
and then he...touched my penis,
476
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:30,040
and then he rubbed my penis
quite a bit.
477
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:34,200
And I said stop,
but he wouldn't stop.
478
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:36,240
Mark, why are you saying this?
479
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,680
I don't understand.
480
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,120
Because...because it's true.
481
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:42,640
Please, don't do this,
this is my career.
482
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:44,920
You should have thought about that
when you were touching his cock.
483
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,560
'Oh, God, this is all so horrible.
484
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,240
'Maybe it would have been simpler
just to kill him.
485
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:55,480
'I should know how to kill someone
by now, I've watched enough CSI.'
486
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:00,760
I can't believe they got rid of Matt.
487
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:04,520
Oh, Nance, he's a pool pooher.
You know what that means?
488
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,000
He poohs...in the pool.
489
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:10,640
Right, I'm going to beat your ass,
Corrigan.
490
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,960
Maybe we'll be happy ever after.
491
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,760
Maybe I'll look back
and say judo brought us together.
492
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:17,680
Maybe we'll have
a judo-themed wedding
493
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:21,160
and get married in judo suits
and I'll cut the cake with my hand.
494
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,640
Shit, Matt.
495
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:28,200
He wants to punch and kick me
and he's come somewhere where
he's allowed to punch and kick me.
496
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,000
Mark.
497
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,760
Matt. I thought you weren't
working here any more.
498
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:35,200
I can still come to classes.
Do you mind if I cut in?
499
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:37,840
Oh, no,
I'm a complete beginner so...
500
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,040
Leave me alone.
501
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:42,320
Mark, just fight him,
he's not going to hurt you.
502
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,840
He is going to hurt me.
503
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,840
You're pathetic, Corrigan.
Do you know that?
504
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,440
A pathetic, flabby worm.
505
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:48,920
He's here, too.
506
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,520
That's great, thanks a lot.
507
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:55,160
It's all right, Jez,
use your woman as a human shield.
508
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,240
Matt, violence never solved anything.
509
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,920
Love thy neighbour as thyself.
510
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,200
Yeah, exactly. Fuck off.
511
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:02,760
You can't hide there forever.
512
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:05,160
He thinks
we can't hide here forever.
513
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:06,880
He doesn't know us at all,
does he?
514
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:26,080
with the moles
40492
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