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1
00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:11,400
This programme contains
strong language
2
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:24,320
Another hard day, eh, Jez? Watching
kids' TV and eating kids' cereal?
3
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,800
What should I be having?
Gentleman's relish with olives?
4
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:30,800
Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes
are Frosties for wankers.
5
00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:34,800
Frosties are Corn Flakes for people
who can't face reality.
6
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,800
Anything from Soph?
7
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:40,240
She's been very busy,
far too busy for post.
8
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:43,840
Don't think she'll actually be
coming down over the weekend.
9
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,800
It's just there's this thing.
10
00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:48,480
Sounds important.
11
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,840
What am I gonna do, Jez?
12
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:54,120
She's slipping through my fingers.
Tell her you love her.
13
00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:59,520
That's like firing first in a duel.
If you miss, you're fucked.
14
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:04,120
It puts you in the driving seat -
sometimes I tell them I love them
15
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:07,680
on a first date, just to get things
off to a good start.
16
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,920
Doesn't that devalue it a bit?
17
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:11,680
No. Maybe.
18
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:14,520
A bit. Who cares? It works.
19
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,720
Aren't you going to open your post?
No, it's boring.
20
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:20,880
"You may have won this."
Who cares?
21
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:24,160
That one's On Her Majesty's Service,
for God's sake.
22
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:28,960
Oh, sure, it's On Her Majesty's
Service, delivered by the Royal Mail.
23
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,800
Probably an invitation to one of
Princess Anne's dogging parties.
24
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:36,520
See? Now they want me to do
jury service.
25
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:41,720
Jury service? I can't believe
they chose you! Must be a mistake.
26
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,280
Why shouldn't I do jury service?
27
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:46,600
Because your...critical facult...
28
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:51,240
I'm not being rude, but you're not
a very logical thinker.
29
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,400
No.
30
00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:55,960
You still don't understand what
happened in Ocean's Eleven, do you?
31
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,320
It's a complicated film.
32
00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:58,600
It isn't.
33
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:03,880
I'd probably find jury service
simple. I'll just let them off.
34
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:05,720
Don't upset me.
35
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:10,240
Some black kid accused of stealing
a bun, and I'm gonna set him free.
36
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,000
Wait till you hear the details!
37
00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:17,240
That's what they want you to do -
confuse you. I'll definitely acquit.
38
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:25,360
I'm shaking up the department, and
I want you two to be my enforcers.
39
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,560
My Cheech and Chong.
My Skinner and Baddiel.
40
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,880
The iron fists in my velvet glove.
41
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,600
Spiky balls on the end of my stick.
42
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,000
Nice, yes.
43
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:38,720
Which one of you two
is balling Sophie right now?
44
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:41,520
He is. Well, theoretically.
45
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:44,560
She's not getting on all that well.
46
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:49,120
'If everything goes wrong, I'll be
there to pick up the pieces.'
47
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:50,640
She's been slacking off.
48
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:54,920
Apparently, she called Colin Cooper
a dickhead.
49
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:56,880
He is a dickhead.
50
00:02:56,920 --> 00:03:00,600
Mark, maybe you could have a word?
51
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:04,720
Get her to clean up her act?
Unofficial verbal warning. Cool?
52
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:06,720
Oh, OK, sure.
53
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,760
'Bollocks. Could be difficult.
54
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,120
' Tell her I love her,
55
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:17,240
'then before it gets too soppy,
hit her with a disciplinary matter.'
56
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:22,120
Jez! So, first day in court,
tell me everything.
57
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,320
I've taken a solemn oath.
I take it quite seriously.
58
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:31,720
I could get a fried chicken bucket
from a proper outlet, not the one
that gave you that fever.
59
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:35,960
Credit card fraud, a woman.
Four in Nescliffe, two in Cosford.
60
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,760
Credit card fraud?!
61
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,320
Nescliffe?! A woman?!
Oh, my God, this is incredible!
62
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,720
Oh, sure, it sounds incredible
for the first three hours.
63
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,280
God, it's boring. "Are you guilty?"
64
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,600
It's a joke, she's obviously guilty.
65
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:53,040
Why? Has she taken the stand?
What's her alibi?
66
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,360
She looks shifty.
67
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:56,840
Shifty?
68
00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:02,280
Wouldn't look out of place with
a can of lager and a cheap fag
in her mouth.
69
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:07,960
You were going to acquit.
She's white. And another jury bloke
and he thinks the same.
70
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,360
No smoke without fire.
71
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:15,080
Is that what 1,000 years of the
English judicial system comes to?
72
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,080
No smoke without fire?!
73
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,640
And if she didn't do it, so what?
74
00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:23,600
She's the type, she'd probably
just do something else.
75
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:30,680
'Ah, soup. Lovely hug in a mug.
All I need now is a kiss in a tube.
76
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:34,680
'A wank in a packet. Better call
Sophie. Or maybe...
77
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:39,400
'Just before, play solitaire
for three hours. Shit, it's her!'
78
00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,480
Hello, Sophie?
79
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:45,040
'Hi, Mark! Listen, good news.
I'm coming down tonight.
80
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:47,320
'Can we hang out? I miss you.'
81
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,160
Of course, I miss you too.
82
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:53,320
Although, tonight,
you do know it's Thursday?
83
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:54,920
I'll pull a sickie.
84
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,840
'Johnson's right,
she's dangerously out of control.'
85
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:02,200
'So, I'll come over
about seven-ish?'
86
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:05,960
Brilliant. Bye. 'Shit. Bottled it.
87
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:09,440
'Tell her tonight after chicken
and wine and Sara Lee.
88
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:12,680
'Maybe I could get some
chocolate-flavour condoms.
89
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:17,400
'I'll be more relaxed with my penis
as a novelty item.'
90
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:22,320
Why couldn't I get something
interesting, like a cat-strangling,
91
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,800
a murder case that goes
at the heart of government?
92
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:28,080
Oh, my God, the defendant.
93
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,560
Do I know you?
God, you're on the jury, aren't you?
94
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,480
Yeah. Yeah, I am a bit. Sorry.
95
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:35,920
Wow.
96
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,480
Yup! I probably shouldn't...
97
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:39,840
I shouldn't.
98
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:43,200
To be honest, it's nice
to get away from the jury.
99
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,280
They want to talk about the case.
100
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,520
What are they saying about it, then?
101
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:52,320
Oh, just...
We all think you're innocent.
102
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:53,640
Really?!
103
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,760
'Just sugar the pill a bit.'
104
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,480
What's your name?
105
00:05:58,520 --> 00:05:59,640
Jeremy.
106
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,600
I'm Carla.
107
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:06,760
I'll be glad when this is all over.
Those wooden chairs kill my back.
108
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:11,800
That's why I sit in the corner,
because you can lean on the wall,
109
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,480
and you know... It's just better.
110
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,080
What about that judge, though, eh?
111
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:19,800
God, yeah. He's so judgemental.
"I rule this," "I rule that".
112
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:23,720
That would be a good name
for him, Judge Mental!
113
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:28,840
Hey, I tell you what, I plead
guilty to wanting a moccacinno!
114
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:29,800
Objection!
115
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,800
Overruled!
116
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:35,040
'This isn't wrong, just...illegal.
Like drink-driving.'
117
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:39,520
You'd think she'd come up
with a better alibi than that.
118
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:44,600
'"I'm the foreman, I'm the foreman.
Only I get to talk to the judge."
119
00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,320
'Fuck you.'
120
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:47,800
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
121
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,520
'Jesus, it gets better and better!'
122
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,800
All those who think she's guilty
raise a hand.
123
00:06:55,840 --> 00:07:00,480
'They can't send her down, they
don't know her. I don't know her.
124
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,000
'But I do fancy her.'
125
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:07,120
Er, yeah, I just don't think she is
that guilty.
126
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,280
I think there is a reasonable doubt.
127
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,040
'I'm in 12 Angry Men.
I'm the only one who's not angry.
128
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:17,320
'I'm horny. That's much nicer.'
129
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,960
We'll eat and laugh and I'll make
out I think
130
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,680
Colin Cooper's a dickhead too,
when actually he's doing
131
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:30,840
very good work with a difficult
team and some very testing targets.
132
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,960
SNIGGERING
133
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,400
What's funny?
134
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,360
Oh, nothing. Doesn't matter.
135
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,080
Is it something to do with the case?
136
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,360
Er, yeah, it is, kind of.
137
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,040
What?
138
00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:47,520
It's really...
Honestly, it's nothing.
139
00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:51,200
They haven't found the missing
security tapes from Rymans?
140
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,520
No, no, it's nothing like that.
141
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,040
Anyway, she's definitely innocent.
142
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,400
Why, what happened?
143
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:04,680
No, nothing came out, it's just...
I got to know her a bit
and she wouldn't do it.
144
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:06,840
You got to know her a bit?
145
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:11,040
We bumped into each other,
we've been texting.
146
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:15,600
For God's sake, Jeremy,
it's against the law.
147
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,840
The only seat in the cafe was next
to her.
148
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:23,560
Blank her? That's against the law.
The law of social niceness.
149
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:27,840
You've got to tell her
you can't meet up for a drink.
150
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:32,640
So suddenly I can't go out drinking
with the defendant? Why not?
151
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:38,680
People might think you'd be less
impartial if you're trying to bone
the woman!
152
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,400
Typical.
153
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:46,520
"Jeremy can't be trusted to judge
the woman he's sleeping with but...
but Tony Blair can." Yeah?
154
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,080
It's contempt of court.
155
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:51,960
Look, Mark, I'm a musician,
in case you'd forgotten.
156
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,400
I answer to the law of,
"If it feels good, do it."
157
00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:59,360
Oh, that's a great law!
What's that, Gaddafi's law?
158
00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,440
It's the musicians' law.
159
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:07,920
Colonel Gaddafi could not
lay down a bass hook, Mark.
160
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,920
That should be clear even to you.
161
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,720
God.
162
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:16,600
Sophie! The Sophster! Sophistry!
163
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,960
Soph! Great to...see you.
164
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,760
Hi, Mark! So good to see you!
How are you, you big lovely? Dom.
165
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,440
Hiya.
166
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,880
Hi, Dom. Really great to meet you.
167
00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:33,840
'I suppose Dom's gonna have sex with
Sophie while I film it on my phone.'
168
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:39,400
Sorry, that's me. Sorry, I'm really
gonna have to take this.
169
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:40,920
Isn't he fab?!
170
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:46,200
He's gay! He's obviously gay.
My God, I actually have gaydar.
171
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,960
Is he going? I hope he's going.
172
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,880
Shutting the door might be
a bit aggressive if he's not.
173
00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,840
So how are you?
174
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:58,240
Oh, good, thanks. You look great.
175
00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:03,120
Thanks! Do you like my hair? Shaylee
did it, she works in the juice bar.
176
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,360
She does Indian head massage too.
God, it's orgasmic!
177
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:10,560
'Juice bar? Massage? Orgasm?!
That's everything I stand against!'
178
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:15,960
Hey, that was Olly. He wants to meet
up for cocktails at the Lava Lounge.
What do you think?
179
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:19,360
You'd love Olly,
he's such a great laugh.
180
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:26,040
That sounds great, it's just...
I've made chicken...I've got wine.
181
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:30,360
I've got DVDs.
Ocean's Twelve and Meet The Fockers.
182
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,360
Er, we did see those at the cinema.
183
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,200
It's like a reminiscipackage.
184
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:40,200
Plus there's commentaries,
outtakes, bloopers...
185
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,520
Ooh, just come for one cocktail.
186
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:48,080
Olly freaked out. Oh, come on,
he loves you, Soph. He'll literally
puke if you don't come.
187
00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:50,400
What do you think, Mark? It'd be fun.
188
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:55,800
Er, well, I guess I'd hate to be
responsible for someone actually
189
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,080
throwing up, so...
Yeah, great.
190
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:03,080
'You win this one, Sophie,
but I will have my revenge.
191
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,280
'All Sunday at the National
Maritime Museum.'
192
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,680
One cocktail.
That was the arrangement.
193
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:15,880
One cocktail, then home. Not four
cocktails and off to a gay club.
194
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:19,160
Carla can't make it
but she'll meet us here instead.
195
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,320
Great. 'Trapped all night with
the homos and the criminals.
196
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:26,240
'Like prison, but without even
my own cell.'
197
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:30,160
Ooh, Mark, if he asks,
just say you're gay.
What?!
198
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,120
You been here before, mate?
199
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:33,440
You gay, pal?
200
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,440
'Lie. Say yes, say yes.' No.
201
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:40,320
No, I'm not. God, sorry.
202
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:43,240
I did once have this thing with a...
203
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,920
I had these feelings, but it was
complicated.
204
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:49,600
It was more a sort of atmosphere,
nothing ever really...
205
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,680
Sexuality's a sort of a spectrum,
not a black and...
206
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,200
Fuck off. In you go.
207
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:58,600
There are a lot of gay guys
in there tonight?
208
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,000
Great. Brilliant.
209
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:09,040
'God, how did I end up here? When
will I ever be allowed to leave?
210
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,600
'Just got to ride the alienation.'
211
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,280
Are you having a good time?
212
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:14,680
Oh, yeah, wicked.
213
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,280
So how did you guys meet?
214
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,360
Oh, that's quite funny, actually.
215
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:19,640
A trial.
216
00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:21,520
Are you a lawyer?
217
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,800
I'm the defendant.
218
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,720
And I'm on the jury!
219
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:31,200
And the funniest part is,
the trial isn't even over yet!
220
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:32,360
God!
221
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:33,640
That is so weird!
222
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:40,040
'I'm just a stick in the mud for
thinking it's anything other than
one of those brilliant urban jokes.'
223
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:44,720
Jez, if I need the bog, this place,
its official classification is
224
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,280
"gay-friendly"?
225
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,400
Yep, gay, gay-friendly.
226
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:52,120
Does that mean friendly gays,
or friendly to the gays?
227
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:57,120
Cos, to be honest, friendly gays
sound...not worse, but, you know...
228
00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:00,040
You think you're irresistible!
229
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,600
People...
230
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,000
Men have looked at me.
231
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:07,680
Yeah, well. Just don't go into that
corner cos that's where the guys
232
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,200
who like tubby homophobes hang out.
233
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,680
Another drink everybody? >
234
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,720
Is...erm...? That isn't...
235
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,920
Is that your name?
236
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,920
Oh yeah, it's a second marriage.
237
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,520
Oh, right.
238
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,880
The old...magic card.
239
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:31,200
Well, you might think that,
but I couldn't possibly comment.
240
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,760
'She sees something and she takes it.
241
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,160
'No, "Is this mine
or someone else's?" crap.'
242
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,160
You know what, Carla?
243
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,920
I think I love you.
244
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,240
You hardly know me.
245
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:48,840
So what? I'm a musician.
I speak with my heart.
246
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,360
'Yep, Jailhouse Rock.'
247
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:55,320
I've got four brown bears
and a couple of Foghorn Leghorns.
248
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,920
Mark, are you interested?
249
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,960
Erm... I'm not really sure I...
250
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:04,400
I know it's not really your thing,
but it's really good fun.
251
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:06,280
It's great.
252
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:10,640
Is there not even a slim chance
that I might...die?
253
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:13,080
Mark, you'll love it.
254
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,120
It'll be a special night.
255
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,760
Yes. Of course. Sure.
256
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,360
Take a Foghorn.
257
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:24,520
They've got a nice, floaty launch
with a soft, crunchy landing.
258
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:28,480
'A candle stuck in a wine bottle
doesn't cut it now.
259
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:33,960
'Now for a special night, you have
to have class-A drugs and fisting.'
260
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,320
Mark, I'm so proud of you!
261
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:43,400
'She's proud of me? For taking
a little white pill of drugs?
262
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,920
'If I'd fought at Goose Green,
she wouldn't want to know.'
263
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:51,160
We are gonna have
such an amazing night.
264
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:56,240
'I am gonna have a very ordinary
night right under your stupid nose.'
265
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,600
You and me out clubbing!
266
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:06,600
I can genuinely see us
eventually reminiscing about this.
267
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:11,000
I didn't actually pop my pill.
I'm pretending.
268
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:15,400
I could do with a few pointers
on how to be a druggie.
269
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:21,000
Why didn't you bang one?
I don't want to be in a phone box
with a trucker's penis in my ear!
270
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:26,800
You're much more likely to wake up
with depression and worthlessness.
271
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:31,480
That crap you talk when you're off
your noggin, I never really listen.
272
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:35,320
What do you prattle on about,
and how shall I say I'm feeling?
273
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,960
OK, look. When you're coming up...
274
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,160
Yeah? And then you're just...
275
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,760
Everything you do is just kind of...
276
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,080
And then when you're going down,
277
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:52,960
you talk about how we're all the same
but these systems keep us apart.
278
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:53,680
OK.
279
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,600
Hey, Mark. Are you feeling it yet?
280
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:58,400
I'm feeling...
281
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,800
Some water?
282
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,960
No, no, no, it's good,
everything's gone sort of bubbly.
283
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:08,080
It's like I'm trapped
inside a giant Aero.
284
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:10,040
I know exactly what you mean.
285
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:14,600
I also think I might be getting
the famous munchies.
286
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,440
Really? On an E?
I'll get you some water.
287
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:23,000
I tell you what, me and you,
we've got a connection, haven't we?
288
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:25,400
We're on the same wavelength, yeah?
289
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,880
Oh, right, yeah!
290
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,880
Listen to the music, man!
291
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:33,000
This guy's a genius!
He's bringing it up.
292
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:36,120
He's bringing it up.
Ooh, he's taking it down.
293
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,880
He's taking it up.
294
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,160
Taking it up!
295
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:40,960
Taking it up.
296
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,040
Taking it up!
297
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,160
Taking it down. Taking it down.
298
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,840
Taking it down.
299
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,480
'This guy is literally a moron.'
300
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,520
You're on it, man. We're on it.
301
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,400
We're brothers.
302
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,080
Yeah.
303
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:59,600
'Oh, God, the sweaty grip
of the moron.'
304
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,880
Oh, yeah.
305
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:14,040
You can feel it.
You can feel it, can't you?
306
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,920
Yep, I can still feel it.
307
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,920
'Oh, God, I'm so tired.'
308
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,400
'How did my house become a rave?'
This is probably how squats start.
309
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,800
'They'll never leave, and
they'll brick me up
310
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:30,040
'in my room and ownership will pass
to them because a high court judge
311
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,720
'will rule me to be officially not
living life to the max.'
312
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:37,200
Soph, it's lovely, your incessant
rubbing of my back,
313
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:39,000
but it is starting to chafe.
314
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:43,880
Wine!
315
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:47,320
Mark, you OK?
You're not having a bad one?
316
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,320
'Shit, too rational.'
Yeah, I'm fine.
317
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,520
I just love being down here on
the carpet.
318
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,320
The stain. Look at the pattern it's
319
00:17:55,360 --> 00:18:00,960
making as it soaks into my
genuine, pure wool carpet.
320
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:06,680
Do you think I should
get me stuff...
321
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:06,680
'What? She wants to talk normally
after what we just did?'
322
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:09,280
'I like edgy sex,
but where was the humanity?'
323
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,920
Hey! Checkout the easy pickings.
324
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,560
Yeah? Don't you think...
325
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,480
We could blow this together, yeah?
326
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:18,480
Do you think...?
327
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,840
Don't worry about him,
he's probably a banker on 300K.
328
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,960
I think he actually
works in a juice bar.
329
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:26,960
Whatever.
330
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,080
So, about the case.
331
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:33,960
Just between us, the credit cards,
that was you, was it?
332
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,080
No. That's the funny thing.
I wasn't even around for those.
333
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:41,160
I was in Lincoln raking in a
bit on a housing benefit scam.
334
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,760
Brilliant. Oh, nasty scar.
335
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,480
Bit of a bitch fight one
night in Sunderland. Still,
336
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:55,680
you want to see the other girl,
because she can't see you, not now!
337
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,400
Brilliant.
'Oh, fuck.
338
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,400
'This is getting a bit
too real.'
339
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,600
'Just keep kissing.
340
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,200
'If we're kissing,
she can't say scary stuff.'
341
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,360
'Look at these drop-outs.'
342
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,280
'They think they're having fun.'
343
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:13,480
'If we were agricultural workers,
the day would be half gone.'
344
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,360
Are you all right, Soph?
345
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:20,280
I don't know. The room's going a bit
spinny, and a think I might, erm...
346
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:23,440
I burped some sick.
Can you get me out of here, Mark?
347
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:28,640
OK. What you need is some
peace and quiet, and some rest.
348
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,320
And a cup of tea and some
toast with peanut butter.
349
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,160
That sounds nice.
350
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,240
Soph, where you going?
We're going to have a spliff.
351
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:38,240
Say hello to my little friend.
352
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,240
She's going to bed.
353
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,640
She doesn't want any
more of your drugs.
354
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:47,240
You just have a nice lie-down.
355
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,760
I'll bring the tea and toast
through in a minute, OK?
356
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:53,520
Listen, do you want to...
357
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,680
Again?
358
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,200
Already?
359
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,280
Yeah.
I'm in the mood for celebrating.
360
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:01,800
In a few hours,
I'm going to be free as a bird.
361
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:04,560
'Oh, no. She's going to go
free and come and live here,
362
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,880
'and we'll have to do horrible
sex and go carjacking together.'
363
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:09,920
Right,
that's it, turn the music down.
364
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:13,480
You can stop smoking your drugs.
I'm making tea and toast for Sophie.
365
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:15,920
I'm putting on Radio 4.
Everything's normal.
366
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,600
I'm not really high, so you stop
talking your nonsense on my time.
367
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,160
What's the problem, man?
Can't we just chill?
368
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:23,360
No, you can't.
369
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:29,200
You've been chilling long enough.
This is reality calling.
370
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:29,200
But what about you and me?
The bond?
371
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:31,760
There is no bond.
You're not a bad person,
372
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,680
but I'm afraid to say
you are a moron.
373
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,600
Pull your socks up and get
your shoes on. All of you.
374
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,240
Oh, man!
375
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:42,440
Listen, while we're at it, there are
systems for a reason in this world.
376
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:45,200
Economic stability,
interest rates, growth.
377
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,440
It's not a conspiracy to
keep you in little boxes.
378
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:51,920
It's only the miracle of consumer
capitalism that means
379
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:55,560
you're not lying in your own shit,
dying at 43 with rotten teeth,
380
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,880
and a little pill with a chicken
on it is not going to change that.
381
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,000
Now come on!
Fuck off!
382
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:08,240
'Bollocks. She's going to go free,
free to come round and cut me
383
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:11,000
'from ear to ear unless I do
her evil doings with her.'
384
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:15,000
So, maybe if we go over the
arguments one last time,
385
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:18,440
then see
if one of us will change our minds.
386
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,640
Why bother?
We're never going to agree.
387
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,160
She's going to get off.
388
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,880
Well, no, actually,
because the judge has ruled
389
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,760
he'll accept a majority verdict.
If a couple of your lot
390
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,240
will consider joining us,
then we can convict.
391
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:31,920
'Shit. Could I do this?
392
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:36,360
'She is technically innocent. But,
really, she's totally guilty.
393
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:40,560
'Plus, women's prison, it's probably
like one, long hen night.'
394
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:47,880
Actually, I was thinking, I've had
quite a big think about everything.
395
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,720
I think I've changed my mind.
396
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:53,640
Why? The security footage?
397
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:57,040
Partially, but basically,
398
00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,680
I accidentally got
talking to her in a club.
399
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,280
I know I shouldn't have,
but it turns out she does
400
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,880
this sort of thing all the time.
She's a fraudster.
401
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,400
No, we can't admit this.
402
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,240
That grounds for a mistrial.
403
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,040
OK, sure.
404
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:15,720
If you want. Say it's a mistrial,
go crying to Daddy.
405
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,680
But, look...maybe I didn't
play by the rules this time,
406
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:26,480
maybe I am a bit of a maverick,
407
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:29,280
but I think I've got this
case pretty much sold.
408
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:34,040
And, yes, I can apologise for how
I've done that, but I could never
409
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:41,320
apologise for telling the truth, and
the truth is that this woman is evil!
410
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:44,480
If we let her go today,
we are going to be responsible for
411
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:49,480
whatever she does, so help me God,
and let the Lord be my witness!
412
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,560
OK, I buy it.
413
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,280
Let's just say guilty.
414
00:22:58,320 --> 00:22:59,760
Yeah, I'm with him.
415
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,960
'Oh, yeah, justice is done.
416
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,960
'Not actual justice, but what I
wanted to happen,
417
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,000
'which is
basically the same thing.'
418
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:12,960
God, my head feels like a coconut
someone scraped out from the inside.
419
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,280
Shit, yeah, I know how you feel -
420
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,520
like a big
coconut with a brain inside it.
421
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:19,920
PHONE RINGS
422
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,200
Whoops. Sorry, I'd better... Hello?
423
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,840
'Mark, this is Allen.
I've spoken to Colin Cooper.
424
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:29,320
'He's pissing blood. Apparently,
Sophie's pulled another sicky.
425
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:32,960
'It's getting out of hand. Call her,
talk to her, do what you need to do.
426
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:36,320
'She's right on the bloody
precipice.'
427
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,320
OK. 'Come on, Mark, do it.'
428
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:38,840
'You're Sugar, you're Trump,
you're Rommel.'
429
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:40,640
It's been really great seeing you.
430
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,120
And thanks
for coming to the club.
431
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:47,080
I know it's not your thing. I just
want you to know I appreciate it.
432
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:52,400
Thanks. Soph... Before you go,
433
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,120
there's something I need to say.
434
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,320
Yeah?
435
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,920
It's just...
436
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:06,640
You've really got
to pull your socks up at work.
437
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:07,760
What?
438
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:09,720
You've got to stop pulling sickies
439
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:13,720
and screwing around, Sophie.
Johnson says.
440
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:17,280
Mark, what the fuck?! My head's
in pieces, I don't need this.
441
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,000
No, Sophie...
442
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:21,000
If you want to be a major player,
443
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:24,520
you've got to apply yourself more
and be more punctual.
444
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,240
Hug? 'We'll laugh about this.
445
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:32,800
'Definitely.
446
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:36,600
'Unless it kills the relationship
stone dead, which it probably will.'
447
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:50,040
everybody's coming to get me
36015
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