Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

Another hard day, eh, Jez? Watching kids' TV and eating kids' cereal?

What should I be having? Gentleman's relish with olives?

Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes are Frosties for wankers.

Frosties are Corn Flakes for people who can't face reality.

Anything from Soph?

She's been very busy, far too busy for post.

Don't think she'll actually be coming down over the weekend.

It's just there's this thing.

Sounds important.

What am I gonna do, Jez?

She's slipping through my fingers. Tell her you love her.

That's like firing first in a duel. If you miss, you're fucked.

It puts you in the driving seat - sometimes I tell them I love them

on a first date, just to get things off to a good start.

Doesn't that devalue it a bit?

No. Maybe.

A bit. Who cares? It works.

Aren't you going to open your post? No, it's boring.

"You may have won this." Who cares?

That one's On Her Majesty's Service, for God's sake.

Oh, sure, it's On Her Majesty's Service, delivered by the Royal Mail.

Probably an invitation to one of Princess Anne's dogging parties.

See? Now they want me to do jury service.

Jury service? I can't believe they chose you! Must be a mistake.

Why shouldn't I do jury service?

Because your...critical facult...

I'm not being rude, but you're not a very logical thinker.

No.

You still don't understand what happened in Ocean's Eleven, do you?

It's a complicated film.

It isn't.

I'd probably find jury service simple. I'll just let them off.

Don't upset me.

Some black kid accused of stealing a bun, and I'm gonna set him free.

Wait till you hear the details!

That's what they want you to do - confuse you. I'll definitely acquit.

I'm shaking up the department, and I want you two to be my enforcers.

My Cheech and Chong. My Skinner and Baddiel.

The iron fists in my velvet glove.

Spiky balls on the end of my stick.

Nice, yes.

Which one of you two is balling Sophie right now?

He is. Well, theoretically.

She's not getting on all that well.

'If everything goes wrong, I'll be there to pick up the pieces.'

She's been slacking off.

Apparently, she called Colin Cooper a dickhead.

He is a dickhead.

Mark, maybe you could have a word?

Get her to clean up her act? Unofficial verbal warning. Cool?

Oh, OK, sure.

'Bollocks. Could be difficult.

' Tell her I love her,

'then before it gets too soppy, hit her with a disciplinary matter.'

Jez! So, first day in court, tell me everything.

I've taken a solemn oath. I take it quite seriously.

I could get a fried chicken bucket from a proper outlet, not the one that gave you that fever.

Credit card fraud, a woman. Four in Nescliffe, two in Cosford.

Credit card fraud?!

Nescliffe?! A woman?! Oh, my God, this is incredible!

Oh, sure, it sounds incredible for the first three hours.

God, it's boring. "Are you guilty?"

It's a joke, she's obviously guilty.

Why? Has she taken the stand? What's her alibi?

She looks shifty.

Shifty?

Wouldn't look out of place with a can of lager and a cheap fag in her mouth.

You were going to acquit. She's white. And another jury bloke and he thinks the same.

No smoke without fire.

Is that what 1,000 years of the English judicial system comes to?

No smoke without fire?!

And if she didn't do it, so what?

She's the type, she'd probably just do something else.

'Ah, soup. Lovely hug in a mug. All I need now is a kiss in a tube.

'A wank in a packet. Better call Sophie. Or maybe...

'Just before, play solitaire for three hours. Shit, it's her!'

Hello, Sophie?

'Hi, Mark! Listen, good news. I'm coming down tonight.

'Can we hang out? I miss you.'

Of course, I miss you too.

Although, tonight, you do know it's Thursday?

I'll pull a sickie.

'Johnson's right, she's dangerously out of control.'

'So, I'll come over about seven-ish?'

Brilliant. Bye. 'Shit. Bottled it.

'Tell her tonight after chicken and wine and Sara Lee.

'Maybe I could get some chocolate-flavour condoms.

'I'll be more relaxed with my penis as a novelty item.'

Why couldn't I get something interesting, like a cat-strangling,

a murder case that goes at the heart of government?

Oh, my God, the defendant.

Do I know you? God, you're on the jury, aren't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I am a bit. Sorry.

Wow.

Yup! I probably shouldn't...

I shouldn't.

To be honest, it's nice to get away from the jury.

They want to talk about the case.

What are they saying about it, then?

Oh, just... We all think you're innocent.

Really?!

'Just sugar the pill a bit.'

What's your name?

Jeremy.

I'm Carla.

I'll be glad when this is all over. Those wooden chairs kill my back.

That's why I sit in the corner, because you can lean on the wall,

and you know... It's just better.

What about that judge, though, eh?

God, yeah. He's so judgemental. "I rule this," "I rule that".

That would be a good name for him, Judge Mental!

Hey, I tell you what, I plead guilty to wanting a moccacinno!

Objection!

Overruled!

'This isn't wrong, just...illegal. Like drink-driving.'

You'd think she'd come up with a better alibi than that.

'"I'm the foreman, I'm the foreman. Only I get to talk to the judge."

'Fuck you.'

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

'Jesus, it gets better and better!'

All those who think she's guilty raise a hand.

'They can't send her down, they don't know her. I don't know her.

'But I do fancy her.'

Er, yeah, I just don't think she is that guilty.

I think there is a reasonable doubt.

'I'm in 12 Angry Men. I'm the only one who's not angry.

'I'm horny. That's much nicer.'

We'll eat and laugh and I'll make out I think

Colin Cooper's a dickhead too, when actually he's doing

very good work with a difficult team and some very testing targets.

SNIGGERING

What's funny?

Oh, nothing. Doesn't matter.

Is it something to do with the case?

Er, yeah, it is, kind of.

What?

It's really... Honestly, it's nothing.

They haven't found the missing security tapes from Rymans?

No, no, it's nothing like that.

Anyway, she's definitely innocent.

Why, what happened?

No, nothing came out, it's just... I got to know her a bit and she wouldn't do it.

You got to know her a bit?

We bumped into each other, we've been texting.

For God's sake, Jeremy, it's against the law.

The only seat in the cafe was next to her.

Blank her? That's against the law. The law of social niceness.

You've got to tell her you can't meet up for a drink.

So suddenly I can't go out drinking with the defendant? Why not?

People might think you'd be less impartial if you're trying to bone the woman!

Typical.

"Jeremy can't be trusted to judge the woman he's sleeping with but... but Tony Blair can." Yeah?

It's contempt of court.

Look, Mark, I'm a musician, in case you'd forgotten.

I answer to the law of, "If it feels good, do it."

Oh, that's a great law! What's that, Gaddafi's law?

It's the musicians' law.

Colonel Gaddafi could not lay down a bass hook, Mark.

That should be clear even to you.

God.

Sophie! The Sophster! Sophistry!

Soph! Great to...see you.

Hi, Mark! So good to see you! How are you, you big lovely? Dom.

Hiya.

Hi, Dom. Really great to meet you.

'I suppose Dom's gonna have sex with Sophie while I film it on my phone.'

Sorry, that's me. Sorry, I'm really gonna have to take this.

Isn't he fab?!

He's gay! He's obviously gay. My God, I actually have gaydar.

Is he going? I hope he's going.

Shutting the door might be a bit aggressive if he's not.

So how are you?

Oh, good, thanks. You look great.

Thanks! Do you like my hair? Shaylee did it, she works in the juice bar.

She does Indian head massage too. God, it's orgasmic!

'Juice bar? Massage? Orgasm?! That's everything I stand against!'

Hey, that was Olly. He wants to meet up for cocktails at the Lava Lounge. What do you think?

You'd love Olly, he's such a great laugh.

That sounds great, it's just... I've made chicken...I've got wine.

I've got DVDs. Ocean's Twelve and Meet The Fockers.

Er, we did see those at the cinema.

It's like a reminiscipackage.

Plus there's commentaries, outtakes, bloopers...

Ooh, just come for one cocktail.

Olly freaked out. Oh, come on, he loves you, Soph. He'll literally puke if you don't come.

What do you think, Mark? It'd be fun.

Er, well, I guess I'd hate to be responsible for someone actually

throwing up, so... Yeah, great.

'You win this one, Sophie, but I will have my revenge.

'All Sunday at the National Maritime Museum.'

One cocktail. That was the arrangement.

One cocktail, then home. Not four cocktails and off to a gay club.

Carla can't make it but she'll meet us here instead.

Great. 'Trapped all night with the homos and the criminals.

'Like prison, but without even my own cell.'

Ooh, Mark, if he asks, just say you're gay. What?!

You been here before, mate?

You gay, pal?

'Lie. Say yes, say yes.' No.

No, I'm not. God, sorry.

I did once have this thing with a...

I had these feelings, but it was complicated.

It was more a sort of atmosphere, nothing ever really...

Sexuality's a sort of a spectrum, not a black and...

Fuck off. In you go.

There are a lot of gay guys in there tonight?

Great. Brilliant.

'God, how did I end up here? When will I ever be allowed to leave?

'Just got to ride the alienation.'

Are you having a good time?

Oh, yeah, wicked.

So how did you guys meet?

Oh, that's quite funny, actually.

A trial.

Are you a lawyer?

I'm the defendant.

And I'm on the jury!

And the funniest part is, the trial isn't even over yet!

God!

That is so weird!

'I'm just a stick in the mud for thinking it's anything other than one of those brilliant urban jokes.'

Jez, if I need the bog, this place, its official classification is

"gay-friendly"?

Yep, gay, gay-friendly.

Does that mean friendly gays, or friendly to the gays?

Cos, to be honest, friendly gays sound...not worse, but, you know...

You think you're irresistible!

People...

Men have looked at me.

Yeah, well. Just don't go into that corner cos that's where the guys

who like tubby homophobes hang out.

Another drink everybody? >

Is...erm...? That isn't...

Is that your name?

Oh yeah, it's a second marriage.

Oh, right.

The old...magic card.

Well, you might think that, but I couldn't possibly comment.

'She sees something and she takes it.

'No, "Is this mine or someone else's?" crap.'

You know what, Carla?

I think I love you.

You hardly know me.

So what? I'm a musician. I speak with my heart.

'Yep, Jailhouse Rock.'

I've got four brown bears and a couple of Foghorn Leghorns.

Mark, are you interested?

Erm... I'm not really sure I...

I know it's not really your thing, but it's really good fun.

It's great.

Is there not even a slim chance that I might...die?

Mark, you'll love it.

It'll be a special night.

Yes. Of course. Sure.

Take a Foghorn.

They've got a nice, floaty launch with a soft, crunchy landing.

'A candle stuck in a wine bottle doesn't cut it now.

'Now for a special night, you have to have class-A drugs and fisting.'

Mark, I'm so proud of you!

'She's proud of me? For taking a little white pill of drugs?

'If I'd fought at Goose Green, she wouldn't want to know.'

We are gonna have such an amazing night.

'I am gonna have a very ordinary night right under your stupid nose.'

You and me out clubbing!

I can genuinely see us eventually reminiscing about this.

I didn't actually pop my pill. I'm pretending.

I could do with a few pointers on how to be a druggie.

Why didn't you bang one? I don't want to be in a phone box with a trucker's penis in my ear!

You're much more likely to wake up with depression and worthlessness.

That crap you talk when you're off your noggin, I never really listen.

What do you prattle on about, and how shall I say I'm feeling?

OK, look. When you're coming up...

Yeah? And then you're just...

Everything you do is just kind of...

And then when you're going down,

you talk about how we're all the same but these systems keep us apart.

OK.

Hey, Mark. Are you feeling it yet?

I'm feeling...

Some water?

No, no, no, it's good, everything's gone sort of bubbly.

It's like I'm trapped inside a giant Aero.

I know exactly what you mean.

I also think I might be getting the famous munchies.

Really? On an E? I'll get you some water.

I tell you what, me and you, we've got a connection, haven't we?

We're on the same wavelength, yeah?

Oh, right, yeah!

Listen to the music, man!

This guy's a genius! He's bringing it up.

He's bringing it up. Ooh, he's taking it down.

He's taking it up.

Taking it up!

Taking it up.

Taking it up!

Taking it down. Taking it down.

Taking it down.

'This guy is literally a moron.'

You're on it, man. We're on it.

We're brothers.

Yeah.

'Oh, God, the sweaty grip of the moron.'

Oh, yeah.

You can feel it. You can feel it, can't you?

Yep, I can still feel it.

'Oh, God, I'm so tired.'

'How did my house become a rave?' This is probably how squats start.

'They'll never leave, and they'll brick me up

'in my room and ownership will pass to them because a high court judge

'will rule me to be officially not living life to the max.'

Soph, it's lovely, your incessant rubbing of my back,

but it is starting to chafe.

Wine!

Mark, you OK? You're not having a bad one?

'Shit, too rational.' Yeah, I'm fine.

I just love being down here on the carpet.

The stain. Look at the pattern it's

making as it soaks into my genuine, pure wool carpet.

Do you think I should get me stuff...

'What? She wants to talk normally after what we just did?'

'I like edgy sex, but where was the humanity?'

Hey! Checkout the easy pickings.

Yeah? Don't you think...

We could blow this together, yeah?

Do you think...?

Don't worry about him, he's probably a banker on 300K.

I think he actually works in a juice bar.

Whatever.

So, about the case.

Just between us, the credit cards, that was you, was it?

No. That's the funny thing. I wasn't even around for those.

I was in Lincoln raking in a bit on a housing benefit scam.

Brilliant. Oh, nasty scar.

Bit of a bitch fight one night in Sunderland. Still,

you want to see the other girl, because she can't see you, not now!

Brilliant. 'Oh, fuck.

'This is getting a bit too real.'

'Just keep kissing.

'If we're kissing, she can't say scary stuff.'

'Look at these drop-outs.'

'They think they're having fun.'

'If we were agricultural workers, the day would be half gone.'

Are you all right, Soph?

I don't know. The room's going a bit spinny, and a think I might, erm...

I burped some sick. Can you get me out of here, Mark?

OK. What you need is some peace and quiet, and some rest.

And a cup of tea and some toast with peanut butter.

That sounds nice.

Soph, where you going? We're going to have a spliff.

Say hello to my little friend.

She's going to bed.

She doesn't want any more of your drugs.

You just have a nice lie-down.

I'll bring the tea and toast through in a minute, OK?

Listen, do you want to...

Again?

Already?

Yeah. I'm in the mood for celebrating.

In a few hours, I'm going to be free as a bird.

'Oh, no. She's going to go free and come and live here,

'and we'll have to do horrible sex and go carjacking together.'

Right, that's it, turn the music down.

You can stop smoking your drugs. I'm making tea and toast for Sophie.

I'm putting on Radio 4. Everything's normal.

I'm not really high, so you stop talking your nonsense on my time.

What's the problem, man? Can't we just chill?

No, you can't.

You've been chilling long enough. This is reality calling.

But what about you and me? The bond?

There is no bond. You're not a bad person,

but I'm afraid to say you are a moron.

Pull your socks up and get your shoes on. All of you.

Oh, man!

Listen, while we're at it, there are systems for a reason in this world.

Economic stability, interest rates, growth.

It's not a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes.

It's only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means

you're not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth,

and a little pill with a chicken on it is not going to change that.

Now come on! Fuck off!

'Bollocks. She's going to go free, free to come round and cut me

'from ear to ear unless I do her evil doings with her.'

So, maybe if we go over the arguments one last time,

then see if one of us will change our minds.

Why bother? We're never going to agree.

She's going to get off.

Well, no, actually, because the judge has ruled

he'll accept a majority verdict. If a couple of your lot

will consider joining us, then we can convict.

'Shit. Could I do this?

'She is technically innocent. But, really, she's totally guilty.

'Plus, women's prison, it's probably like one, long hen night.'

Actually, I was thinking, I've had quite a big think about everything.

I think I've changed my mind.

Why? The security footage?

Partially, but basically,

I accidentally got talking to her in a club.

I know I shouldn't have, but it turns out she does

this sort of thing all the time. She's a fraudster.

No, we can't admit this.

That grounds for a mistrial.

OK, sure.

If you want. Say it's a mistrial, go crying to Daddy.

But, look...maybe I didn't play by the rules this time,

maybe I am a bit of a maverick,

but I think I've got this case pretty much sold.

And, yes, I can apologise for how I've done that, but I could never

apologise for telling the truth, and the truth is that this woman is evil!

If we let her go today, we are going to be responsible for

whatever she does, so help me God, and let the Lord be my witness!

OK, I buy it.

Let's just say guilty.

Yeah, I'm with him.

'Oh, yeah, justice is done.

'Not actual justice, but what I wanted to happen,

'which is basically the same thing.'

God, my head feels like a coconut someone scraped out from the inside.

Shit, yeah, I know how you feel -

like a big coconut with a brain inside it.

PHONE RINGS

Whoops. Sorry, I'd better... Hello?

'Mark, this is Allen. I've spoken to Colin Cooper.

'He's pissing blood. Apparently, Sophie's pulled another sicky.

'It's getting out of hand. Call her, talk to her, do what you need to do.

'She's right on the bloody precipice.'

OK. 'Come on, Mark, do it.'

'You're Sugar, you're Trump, you're Rommel.'

It's been really great seeing you.

And thanks for coming to the club.

I know it's not your thing. I just want you to know I appreciate it.

Thanks. Soph... Before you go,

there's something I need to say.

Yeah?

It's just...

You've really got to pull your socks up at work.

What?

You've got to stop pulling sickies

and screwing around, Sophie. Johnson says.

Mark, what the fuck?! My head's in pieces, I don't need this.

No, Sophie...

If you want to be a major player,

you've got to apply yourself more and be more punctual.

Hug? 'We'll laugh about this.

'Definitely.

'Unless it kills the relationship stone dead, which it probably will.'

everybody's coming to get me