Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language from the outset.

'Yeah, fuck you.

'Shit. Five hours on Blitzkreig.

'This isn't how it was meant to be. Week's holiday - I was gonna

'get to grips with the Roman Republic.

'Get into the GI diet.

'Can't stop now - gotta win the war for the Nazis.

'Am I enjoying this?

'Don't know any more. Doesn't matter.

'Gotta finish the level.

'Then read those, do some sit-ups, learn the clarinet.'

OK, bye.

That was your sister. She'll be here in an hour.

My sister?

Yes, your sister. She's coming to stay, remember. I left you a message.

Do you mean the pizza coupon

with "sis mesg?" written with a burnt match?

Yeah, she rang a couple of nights ago.

She's broken up with her husband.

What! Hold on.

Sarah's broken up with Simon?

That's terrible. 'Never get my Ipod speakers back now.

'Still, on the bright side, the base response was pretty awful.'

So, Sarah, great to see you.

We haven't had a proper chat in ages.

I've been chomping at the bit.

All this crap with Simon's brought up so much stuff for me.

Really.

You seen they have jumbo cashews now?

Yeah, I think we're overdue for a big chat,

aren't we, spill some home truths?

Yeah. Course, I was happy enough

with the normal size. But nothing lasts.

All the shit that went on at Grange Terrace before the move,

get it all out, cos it's so hard when

you're trying to work through this family stuff on your own, isn't it?

'Why do the people who want to talk about things always win?

'Why can't the people who don't want to talk about things win?'

It's great getting everything out in the open.

I think so, but a lot of men don't see it that way.

They're just not comfortable talking about emotions.

I think it's different when you're a musician.

You're a musician?

Yeah, I'm a musician. I really think that music

really opens you up emotionally.

A lot of musicians like me feel that way.

I think that's great.

'Oh, my God, he's doing it.

'His routine. He's doing his routine on my sister!'

Yeah. Mark's not too musical.

He bought a clarinet but he uses it to hit a cymbal.

'She's laughing.

'She's laughing at his jokes!' Yes, great, Jeremy, getting

everything out in the open. Have you told Sarah

how you've got chlamydia and you're still in love with Big Suze?

It was a visa marriage, it's symptomless

and it's a platonic love, as you might have for a dog or a sandwich.

Be back in two ticks.

I see you. I know what you're doing.

What?

You're gonna try and sleep with her,

aren't you? I can see it in your eyes.

Look, Mark, she's your sister.

I know that. Yeah?

Promise me you'll not try to sleep with her.

I promise I will try not to sleep with her.

So, you slept with her.

You promised!

I promised to try not to.

Yeah, well you didn't try very hard, did you!

Mark, I tried incredibly hard.

It just turns out it was impossible not to.

Morning, Mark. >

Hey, honey, I called Frank about the clerking job.

Should be fine for you to fill-in. Come in 10ish.

Cool, thanks.

'They're rubbing it in. It's like I've got his member in my face.'

Easy money. Turns out getting a job doesn't involve spending hours

making sure every single word on your CV's spelt right, hey, Mark.

Nothing means anything to you, does it?

Friendship, loyalty - they're just

fusty old words, like sixpence and codpiece, to you, aren't they?

Oh, Mark. Mate, it isn't like that at all.

She's in a vulnerable state, Jeremy.

She's not a refugee, Mark.

She's a 29-year-old solicitor.

With a great arse.

Don't say that!

I know what you do with the electric toothbrush

and the bum stuff. God, I can't believe I'm even thinking about it.

Couldn't you find anyone else to shag?

Mark, mate, look,

this wasn't just a shag.

As soon as I met her, I had these strong,

almost uncontrollable feelings.

You'll say anything. Words don't mean a thing to you, do they?

I think I love her.

I think I've fallen in love with her. >

You can't blame me for falling in love with her, can you?

No, I guess not.

It's just, I don't believe you.

Oh, right. There's not much I can really do about that, is there?

Unless you want me to buy her the biggest puppy

or heart-shaped cushion in the world?

Is that literally what you want me to do? >

Buy her a puppy the size of Digby, the biggest dog in the world.

'If I don't pay it's OK. If I don't pay it's OK.

'Oh, God. Four hours of my precious holiday wasted.

'The day's a write-off. Might as well just carry on.

'Must be something to puncture my thickening shield of numbness.

DOORBELL RINGS

Just a minute.

'There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

'Looking at porn is just like lying to Parliament.

'It used to be wrong but now it's just a great big funny joke.'

Big Suze.

Hi, Mark. I was after Jez. I need someone to run my lines with. Is he?

No, Jez, he's not here. He's with my sister.

They've started going out, actually.

Oh, God, wow.

He's moving on.

What are the lines?

Oh, I just got a part in the stage version of the movie Crash.

You know, the one about people who feel sexy

when they think about road traffic accidents.

'God she's beautiful.

'How did Jeremy ever...

'I guess she's just a bit stupid.'

Not interrupting, am I? What were you up to?

Oh, no, just a bit of internet research.

Right. "Looking at nudie ladies" research. >

'My God, she's not stupid, she's incredibly perceptive.'

Don't worry, I won't tell Sophie.

God, no, nothing like that. I wish.

No, historical.

Sophie wouldn't want to know about history.

I'll actually turn that off.

I was just heading out - salad and a Hawksmoor church.

Hawksmoor, my God, I think

my mum's related to a Hawksmoor, about a million times removed.

'God, she's so posh that I,

'Mark Corrigan, who was privately educated

'until dad's British Aerospace shares went kaput,

'could be her bit of rough.'

Listen, if you want...

You probably don't want to... You'd be very welcome to...

I'd love to.

That really was a great church, wasn't it? So beautiful.

I know. They're probably just waiting

for the last few Christians to die out

and then they'll convert it it into a prestige living space.

'Oh, God, she's just so incredibly lovely. She's probably got a title.

'She's just too modest to say.

'Lady Big Suze and Lord Mark.

'No, don't get ahead of yourself.

'Just focus on trying to lean her towards ecclesiastical architecture

'and away from disco dancing.'

Come on, keep up.

But watch out, though, I'm on your tail.

I'm Hawksmoor, you're Wren.

'Oh, my God, I've fallen in love with her.

'Of course. Brilliant. How incredibly predictable.

'What a total fucking dope.'

'This is the life. I'm eating over

'the five fruit and veg a day, managed to cut Jeremy down to one.

'He still thinks potatoes count, the arsehole.

'I'm winning, I'm not gonna get cancer and he is.

'I don't want him to, but if one of us is gonna get it,

'which we obviously are, I'd rather it was him.'

You're looking well.

Thanks. And you're back from work.

How is work?

How's work? How's work, he says.

You've seen the Killing Fields, right.

What's Big Suze doing here?

Oh, she's just e-mailing her agent about the play.

That is ticketyboo.

She said you two had been out.

Oh, yeah, we just popped to the British Museum

and then to the Imax to watch a 3D film about the Rolling Stones.

Block of fudge?

What's going on? Do you fancy her? Are you in love with her?

What!

My God, Jeremy, of course not. No.

Yeah, well you'd better not be.

Thanks for telling Sarah that I'm in love with her.

Normally when people are in love and sharing a bed, contrary to all

prior arrangements, they like to shout about it.

Look, I'm in love with her, all right.

It's just, she wants to talk about it a lot.

Which I'm fine with, but while I'm eating a jacket potato?

'Potato - perfect.'

Mark, I'm sorry, but I think I might have deleted >

your e-mail address book. >

Oh, that's fine, don't worry.

You are in love with her!

What? No, I'm not.

Yes, you bloody are. You practically crucified me

the day I changed your home page.

No, it's just, I have a paper copy.

I know you, Corrigan.

How dare you! You've got no business being in love with Big Suze.

Jeremy, I'm not in love with her.

Anyway, how come you even care about Suze

if you're so in love with my sister!

I don't care. I'm just interested.

You seem pretty angry for someone who's just interested.

Well, being interested sometimes makes people angry, Mark.

I thought that was common knowledge.

'Oh, yes, the healthy life.

'Haven't surfed for filth for days.

'And I've almost forgotten the images

'that are seared into my brain for ever.'

Sorry. Not getting much sleep.

They found asbestos in my airing cupboard

so I'm on a camp bed in the hall.

Well, if it all gets too much, you can always crash at my place.

Thank you.

So, ready?

'I'm ready. Ready to watch your lovely bottom

'before I have a heart attack.

'Hey, wow, I'm actually good at this. Maybe I'm a natural.

'Yeah, I'm a jogger. Of course, there had to be a sport for me.

'I just never realised. I'm a natural jogger.

'Feel the legs like two great steam locomotives pumping away.

'I'm Cram I'm Ovett, I'm unstoppable...

'Jesus, is that a stitch.

'Fuck, I think I'm gonna be sick.

'Slow. I need to walk.

'Oh, I think I'm gonna puke.

'I'm literally gonna die.

'What an idiotic boob I was about 10 or 11 seconds ago.'

This is so kind of you, Mark.

I wasn't getting a wink on the camp bed. But if Soph's

coming over or I'm cramping your style, you must let me know.

Oh, no, it's fine.

I don't have a style really, so no cramping. 'Don't get excited.

'Just lie on the floor at her feet like the faithful dog I am.

'I will protect you, Big Suze.

'If any intruders come, I will attack. I'll bite.'

Mark, it's crazy you being down on the floor

when there's loads of room in the bed. Hop on in.

I don't think...

Really?

Relax, Mark. I promise I won't steal your half of the duvet or anything.

Great.

Do you know what you are, Mark? A big cuddly grouch ball.

It's like sharing a bed with Fozzy Bear or Oscar the Grouch.

'Maybe something could happen.

'In the same bed, human nature might take its course.'

Kind of like a modern-day eunuch, aren't you, Mark?

Yes, I suppose so.

'I know what I'll do. I'll wait till she's asleep

'and then touch her hair.

'Just as much hair touching as I like.'

'How can Mark be in love with Big Suze?

'It's like Swaziland trying to invade China. It's a bloody political joke.

'Yeah, well, while your failing to get anywhere at all with my ex, Mark,

'I'm doing the nasty with your very own sister.

'Not really in the moment though.

'What's wrong? Got my sexmix on. Is it...?

'She can't! Does she?

'God, she does, she smells like Mark.

'She must use the same talcum power.

'Who still uses talcum power?

'Bollocks, got to get into this.'

You know, if you want,

you could slip a finger up my arse?

What?

Up my bum, up my bottom.

Why on earth would I want to do anything to your bottom?

No, sure. Sorry.

Now that's...ticketyboo.

'Oh, my God! That's...

'She's Mark! I've basically got my penis inside Mark.'

So are you really gonna do this? You, me, big Suze, Sarah?

You're such a bastard.

Steady on. My mushroom stroganoff isn't that bad.

OK, I know you're going to say no to this, but I said I'd ask.

Sarah's looking for a place to stay.

I said because it's a small flat

and there'd be bathroom issues, so...

I'm sure we can work it out.

Shame to break up the lovebirds.

Unless...you do want her to stay, don't you?

Well, of course.

Obviously. That's obvious.

I'd be very happy.

Then you're going to have to take responsibility for your actions.

For once.

'Why should I take responsibility for my actions?

I don't spend hours thinking about them. What kind of life is that?'

How was he? Oh, actually, sounds like it should be fine.

See, I told you.

Now, I've got all your files out.

I've got a feeling your National Insurance affairs aren't in order.

'I'm surrounded'.

Thought Sarah was going to join us? Mark says you're in love.

She must be amazing.

Um, yeah. She's great. She's on the phone.

That's nice. That's a nice thing to say.

So, what is it especially that you, you know, love about her?

Oh, I couldn't possibly...

Oh, come on. Is she the one? Do you think it will last?

No. I mean, I hope it does, but nothing does

so I'm just being realistic.

He's bashful,

but I see brother-in-law material there.

So, Suze, how's everything with your bloke, what's-his-name?

We finished, so no need to twist the knife.

Oh, sorry, I had no idea.

I'm here for you.

Jeremy, I think your girlfriend's crying.

Your sister.

That was definitely sobbing, Jez.

But she was taking a call from your dad, so maybe

if it's family stuff, you should...

Well, even if it is family stuff, I don't want to know about

all the infidelities and heartache,

and if Uncle Lance was touched up by the vicar,

and that's why he's such a tit at Christmas, I'm sorry.

She does sound upset.

All right, fine, I'll talk to her.

It'll be good to hear about...everything.

'While she's talking, I'll use my mind to think about other things.'

You OK, lovebumps?

< Do you want to talk about it?

Jez, listen.

'This is an hour of my life I'll never get back.

'While Mark and big Suze do lovely chatting, I get put through the emotional mincing machine'.

That was Simon. We're going to...we talked,

and we're going to give it another chance.

Yes?

'Simon, you are a god!' Oh, wow.

I'm so sorry, honey bear.

Sarah, ssh.

Que sera, sera.

I've got to go. We're meeting at Cafe Rouge for a summit and a steak.

Adios, amigo.

'Oh, my God, she's actually going.

'She's going. Freedom in five, four, three, two, one! Ole, ole, ole, ole!'

What are you dancing a jig for, Jeremy?

I just heard that Jamiroquai are playing Reading. I fucking love those guys.

Where's Sarah gone?

She's off to meet Simon.

They're getting back together.

This has worked out perfectly for you, hasn't it?

No, not at all.

Come on, this is me you're talking to.

Maybe time you stopped pretending not to be in love with big Suze.

What are you...?

Look, all right. The fact is, she is a beautiful woman.

< That's just a fact.

A blind man could see that.

But I'm not gonna do anything.

I'm just like a kind of blind eunuch, looking at a painting.

Fair enough.

'My carefully nurtured public image succeeds once again'.

Let's crack open the gin.

'Brilliant.

Total lack of self-control. Drunk himself out of contention'.

He was really guzzling, wasn't he? Is he OK?

Just very upset about Sarah.

I think they really had a bond.

Oh, right.

Suze, are you OK?

I don't know. It's just...my sister's just come off a moped

in Zakinthos, and she might have to have a pin in her leg.

And she flew budget, so it'll be a nightmare coming through security.

The only airline that really understands is BA.

Oh, yeah. I know. They're great, aren't they?

'Here we go. My God, I'm gonna have to learn to ride a horse'.

This looks like a very sweet scene. What exactly is going on here?

I was just telling Mark about Tor.

You realise what he's doing? Jez.

He bloody loves you. It's pathetic. I I bet you've got a hard-on.

No, of course I haven't. She was telling me...

Take your trousers off.

Don't be ridiculous.

You've got nothing to hide, have you?

No! It's hard, isn't it?

No. And even if it was, it wouldn't prove love. It's just a human body!

Suddenly you're admitting to having a human body.

You're no bloody eunuch, that's for sure.

I'm going to answer the door now, Mark, but I'm coming back for you.

And your cock.

He was lying all along, the arsehole. What?

I looked at his phone, there were texts, all hugs and bloody kisses!

'She's back! This is a fucking nightmare!'

You don't, do you, have feelings for me, Mark?

'This is it. Go for it. Tell her.

'Betray Sophie, destroy Jeremy'.

No.

God, no.

As you know, I'm in love with Sophie.

Right. I thought...

Honestly, Suze, I like you,

sort of, but not even really that much.

I mean, you're very, you know...horsey.

You're the horsey type. Not that I've got a chip on my shoulder.

You're sort of a throwback, a kind of Marie Antoinette figure.

Let them eat cake. It's a mistranslation, but...you know.

Big, stupid,

posh head, that's you.

'She's like one of those big turds that just won't flush'.

If you want, I could call you a cab.

It's good to be back where I'm safe.

We have got so much to talk about.

Oh, right, yes, of course.

I'm just gonna clean up, OK?

'Oh, please, Simon, take her back!'

Jez, listen. I need a drink. Do you fancy a drink?

Er, I can't, really, because...yes.

Hold on. Give me five.

See you in the pub.

Well, happy now?

I'm going to the pub with big Suze.

Tell Sarah I've finished with her.

Absolutely not!

You've got to face up to your responsibilities!

Be nice about it, cos I do love her.

I've got commitment issues, yeah?

Jeremy!

Mark, what's...

where's Jez?

Oh, Sarah, I...blimey.

Look, thing is...it's really not my responsibility to tell you this...

Jeremy's gone, OK?

He's pissed off. He's left. I'm not gonna do his dirty work.

Dirty work?

The dickhead, he wanted me to dump you for him, if you can imagine.

He's dumping me?

'I should be honest.

'Just tell her he fucked her, and now he's chucked her'.

Look, it's not you, it's him. He has commitment issues.

You're loving this. No.

You never wanted us to be together.

You're very controlling, and you need to talk about that.

I really don't.

If you stopped talking for a minute,

maybe Jeremy and Simon wouldn't keep on dumping you.

Brilliant.

Thanks. Thank you very much, Mark. See you later.

'Great, so I've dumped my sister.

'I'm intrigued to see what I'm gonna do next.

'Maybe I'll ring up Granddad and tell him he's a boring twat'.

Everybody's coming to get me