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1
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This programme contains strong
language from the outset.
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00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,840
'This is the life.
A modern man.
3
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,400
'Might have roast beef
and The Culture later.
4
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:28,040
'Then take The Funday
Times for a shit.'
5
00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:29,480
God, oh dear.
6
00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:31,360
Another horrible bit?
7
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:32,400
Yeah.
8
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,480
'Look at me. I've got a girlfriend.
9
00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:38,280
'A proper girlfriend, reading a
bestseller about child abuse.
10
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:40,880
'I go out and have croissants.
11
00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:43,360
'I'm just a normal, functioning
member of the human race,
12
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:46,760
'and there's no way
anyone can prove otherwise.'
13
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:52,800
So where do you know this
rich bitch from, then?
14
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:56,200
She's not a rich... Merry's a good
friend of mine and Mark's from uni.
15
00:00:58,520 --> 00:00:59,640
Super Hans.
16
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:03,960
What? because it's a computer, you
think it's made of spider webs and
magic?
17
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,040
It's just a metal box,
Jez, they're indestructible.
18
00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,600
Really? Because it
looks like it's not...
19
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:11,080
< Hey guys....
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00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,240
How's it going?
Oh God, I can't get over
21
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,120
how lucky I am to find you, Jez.
22
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,080
'Canadian Merry.
She probably thinks
23
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:21,720
'I'm getting nowhere with my music,
and that's why I'm doing removals.
24
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,800
'I'll tell her all the
cool bands do removals.
25
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,280
'I'll say Franz Ferdinand
have got their own van.'
26
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:30,120
It just feels like everything
is coming together. Doesn't it?
27
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:32,960
Yeah, I guess it does.
Not too sad, though,
28
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,840
what with your mum dying,
and everything?
29
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:39,560
No, No. Who needs mums? She wasn't
there when I did my ballet exam,
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00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:44,200
she's not here for me now,
so fuck her.
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00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,720
Yeah, that's a good attitude,
probably.
32
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:48,200
Too right.
33
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:51,040
I'm looking for a couple of hip
young gunslingers
34
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,320
to run the pub for me downstairs.
35
00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,440
What, that's yours? You own the pub?
36
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:55,640
I used to run a pub.
37
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,840
Are you kidding?
Would you be interested?
38
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:02,200
What, us, run a pub?
39
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:06,560
Well, I've never really thought
about it before, but now that I do,
40
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:09,960
I think I'd probably like to do that
more than anything else in the world.
41
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,800
Yeah.
I am very particular about the kind
42
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:14,720
of establishment I run, though.
43
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,920
It needs to make a
political statement, yeah?
44
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,320
A very strong political statement.
45
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,120
Does it? Are you sure?
46
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,760
Because I really don't think
that it does, if it's a pub.
47
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,400
Well, that my position,
and it's a deal breaker.
48
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:31,880
Whee!
49
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:38,360
'Oh God.
Thank God, thank God it's ending.
50
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,200
'Finally. I've still got
all my fingers intact, too.'
51
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:42,640
Are you OK?
52
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,280
Yeah, yeah that was fun.
53
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,640
'Urgh, I feel awful.
I suppose doing things you hate
54
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:51,200
'is just the
price you pay to avoid loneliness.'
55
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:53,600
So, what next?
56
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:57,000
Well, they all look garish and
unsafe, so why don't you choose?
57
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,040
MOBILE BEEPS
58
00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,600
Oh, hold on.
59
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,200
'My girlfriend -
60
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:04,280
'standing next to her
61
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,800
'boyfriend reading a text like it's
the natural thing in the world.
62
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,440
'I do feel very queasy.'
63
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,320
Oh, Mark.
64
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:13,240
Mark, this is so weird. Wow.
65
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:16,840
Are they spamming you
about upgrading to 3G?
66
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,760
No, listen. I applied for this thing.
67
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,200
Barbara said I should,
and I didn't think it would come off.
68
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,200
So I didn't mention.
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00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,560
But it looks like I
might get a promotion.
70
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:28,160
Well, that's brilliant.
71
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,200
Which would mean me moving
to Bristol.
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00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:32,120
'Oh my God.'
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00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:33,640
Permanently.
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00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,440
Ah! Are you OK?
75
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:42,240
Yeah.
Yeah, just queasy from the waltzer.
76
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:46,120
Of course. I'm so sorry this
has come up now, we need to talk.
77
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,160
No, really, it's the Waltzer.
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00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:51,080
I'm happy for you. Really.
79
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,760
So, this is the place you're
going to be running for Merry?
80
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,000
Yeah.
81
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:02,200
Blimey.
82
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,280
So, this is a pub?
83
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,400
Well, it was, and it will be again.
84
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:10,760
Just imagine me in the pub all day,
but no one can say anything,
85
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,800
because it's my job, so I've got to
be there.
86
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,960
I'll literally
get paid to go to the pub.
87
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,520
Yeah, I guess it won't be quite like
88
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,840
being paid just to go to the pub,
because you'll be doing pub stuff
89
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:23,720
- the barrels, the tubes,
the debit card authorisations.
90
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:27,640
Mark, do you have to live quite
so relentlessly in the real world?
91
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:31,160
OK, Jez, fine, but
have you done your market research?
92
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,520
Market research?
93
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,480
"If you build it, they will come."
That's my market research.
94
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,800
Your market research
is Field Of Dreams?
95
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:44,320
I mean, a man who made a baseball
pitch in his garden for ghosts.
96
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:45,720
That's your role model?
97
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,400
Oi oi. >
98
00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:50,880
Mr Motivator.
99
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,240
I'm sure this place is
going to be great.
100
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:56,960
Yeah, well you're barred. Because I
can do that, I have the power to bar.
101
00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,600
And I won't necessarily be using
it wisely or compassionately.
102
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,040
Oh yeah.
103
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:06,600
Fuck, yeah, look at this place.
104
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,320
Yeah, I know.
Still, we can move all this crap out
105
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,120
and put a bar, what, over there?
106
00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:12,960
No, mate, no way.
107
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,080
Don't change nothing. It's perfect.
108
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,840
Perfect?
109
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,400
It doesn't even look like a pub.
110
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:22,080
Exactly. I've been down enough city
boy chain pubs
111
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:26,040
with their logos in the foam
and disinfectant in the lager.
112
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:27,920
Air-freshener in the mayo?
113
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,040
No, I want to run a place
that makes a difference.
114
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,600
Yeah. Well, I'm sure we
can sort that out somehow.
115
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,160
Let's start by getting rid of this.
116
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,120
That stays.
117
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,800
That's the reason I fell
in love with this place.
118
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,560
You want a washing
machine in the pub?
119
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,320
It'll freak 'em out.
120
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,640
What the fuck's a washing
machine doing in a pub?
121
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,480
Jesus, I need a drink. Yeah?
122
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,360
And boom, they'll have to have
one of our organic scrumpies.
123
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:56,640
Right, the thing is, Hans, as I've
said before, I really just think
124
00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,600
we should serve at least one lager,
and nuts.
125
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,760
You know, people like lager and nuts.
126
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,600
People like Coldplay,
and voted for the Nazis.
127
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,160
You can't trust people, Jeremy.
128
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,640
Maybe I should go solo.
129
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:12,080
I'm starting to have
serious doubts about you.
130
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,960
I can't believe Sophie's just gone.
131
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,400
Do you think she'll stay faithful?
132
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,280
Oh yeah. Yeah, definitely.
People always do.
133
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,080
Yeah, I guess.
134
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,520
Thanks, mate.
135
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,720
Really nice of Merry to
invite us to the flat warming.
136
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,560
Oh, that's Merry.
God, she's such a laugh.
137
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,200
Didn't you two even have a
thing, back in Darty?
138
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:40,200
No, we never had a thing.
139
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,880
I thought, didn't you stay over in
her room, the night we did all
140
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,120
the blues - Blues Brothers, Betty
Blue, Blue Velvet, the Big Blue?
141
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,320
Well yes, but nothing happened.
142
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,400
I definitely remember you writing
that very long letter in marker pen,
143
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,480
and then having a
freak-out and burning it.
144
00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:56,600
That was you, wasn't it?
145
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,840
So, the pub.
What are you calling it?
146
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:03,120
No problem there.
I mean we're deadlocked on that,
147
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:07,200
and a few other things, but
I'm definitely not co-managing
148
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,720
a pub called Free The Paedos.
149
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:12,280
Right, yes.
150
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:13,760
I can see that.
151
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,680
'Maybe I should get off with
someone at Merry's party,
152
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,440
'in case Sophie does in Bristol.
153
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,880
'Yeah, right. When was the last time
I got off with someone at a party?
154
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,880
'Well, there was Carol Bananaface,
155
00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,320
'but that was just a
a macabre charade.'
156
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,360
OK, party time
for the El Dude Brothers!
157
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:31,760
Agh! Agh!
158
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,360
Agh!
159
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,880
'God, life is futile.'
160
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:37,800
I'm so glad you guys could make it.
161
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,040
Right.
162
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:40,960
Merry, where is everyone?
163
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:44,600
Everyone who?
No one else is coming, it's just us.
164
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,800
Just us?
165
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,360
Yeah.
166
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:53,600
Look, I'm just going to call Sophie,
check, see what she's up to.
167
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,440
Now listen, Jez,
168
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:58,280
about the pub.
169
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,720
'Oh shit, here it comes.
The dream dies.'
170
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,320
I'm going to get rid of the pub.
171
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,000
Oh, right. I just thought
172
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,400
maybe if we could manage
it for a little while...
173
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:07,880
Do you want it? What?
174
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,960
You see, I'm going to get rid of it.
175
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,760
It's just this big thing
sitting underneath me.
176
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,680
You mean, like own it?
177
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,040
Please, take it. Please.
178
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,080
Well, OK, sure.
179
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,480
Agh!
180
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,480
Oh my God!
181
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:23,960
Hey, fuck you, Mark.
The world's not all wrong sometimes.
182
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,000
I'm calling Super Hans.
183
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,480
What's he...
184
00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:29,480
Oh, Mark.
185
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,240
You've turned into
quite a hunk, haven't you?
186
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,000
You're a hunky.
187
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:36,480
Well, it may surprise you to learn
that
188
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,040
no one's ever said that to me.
189
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,800
You want to put your
popsicle into my purse?
190
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,320
'Oh God, I'm being propositioned.'
191
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:47,520
I wrote you a letter, I didn't
send it, but I don't know if you...
192
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,400
'Letter? Popsicle? This isn't good.'
193
00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:52,640
Right, thank you.
194
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,720
You know,
my bone's got a little machine.
195
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,440
Does it? Really?
196
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:01,320
OK, I'm just going
to go to the bathroom.
197
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:04,000
'Maybe I should follow her.
She's so hyper,
198
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,560
'she's probably really great at sex.
But there's always the chance
199
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:10,280
'I'll get the toilet seat
slammed on my cock for no reason.'
200
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,680
Yeah, totally. But Hans,
201
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:16,640
all of our major differences would
just kind of drift away
202
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:20,160
as long as we don't try
and confront them too early. Yeah?
203
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,080
All right, I'll see you down there.
Yeah, yeah.
204
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:26,560
Jeremy, I think
something's wrong with Merry.
205
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,280
She...made a pass at me.
206
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:34,040
You've got such low
self-esteem, haven't you?
207
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:35,720
No, Jez, this is serious.
208
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,520
I'm worried about her.
She's not right in the head.
209
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:42,720
Oh, rubbish. She's always been
a bit full on. She's kooky.
210
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,760
Don't you think -
the party, the pub.
211
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,720
I think she's gone a bit funny.
212
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,680
Oh, right. Now I get it.
213
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,200
She has some faith in Jeremy,
hence she must be mental.
214
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:56,200
Listen guys, news flash. If you
need to shit, shit in the bin.
215
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:02,240
OK, maybe she is a bit up and down.
216
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:07,280
Hey, Soph, long time no speak.
How's it going?
217
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:11,120
'Oh my God, she would have got it
by now, unless Amazon screwed up.
218
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,600
'Except they're so damn efficient.'
219
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,640
'So, I got the book you
sent me, Vox, thanks.
220
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,160
'You know what it's
about, Mark, don't you?'
221
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,760
Er, no. 'Phone sex.'
222
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,760
Oh, blimey.
223
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,880
'I wouldn't be against something
like that, maybe it would be fun.'
224
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:29,600
Oh, OK, so, do you want to start?
225
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:30,640
'No, you start.'
226
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:33,480
OK, I'll just dive in, shall I?
227
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:35,000
'What am I going to say?
228
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:38,200
'Clinton would know what to say.
Blair would know what to say.
229
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,480
'Even Putin would know what to say.'
230
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,840
Have you got nice tits?
231
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:45,320
'Well, it's not for me to say, but'
232
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:46,920
You have, you really have.
233
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,600
And feet, and arms.
234
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,480
You know, I don't want to
just focus on the sexual parts.
235
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:55,760
'Look, listen, we might have to try
going a bit dirtier, OK?'
236
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:57,320
OK, good.
237
00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:03,000
'OK, so a guy's just walked in here,
a big, nice guy without his pants on.
238
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,160
'And he's got a big hard-on.'
239
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,160
He goes. Can we get rid of him?
240
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,760
He goes and puts his pants on.
241
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,200
It's just you and me and...
242
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:16,400
and Andrew Neil's
interviewing us about politics.
243
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:19,840
But when the camera's not on us,
we're all hot.
244
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:23,760
I'm just screwing you, and there's
nothing Andrew Neil can do about it.
245
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,160
'Who's Andrew Neil?'
246
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:26,200
It doesn't matter.
247
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,200
DOOR SHUTS
248
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:31,000
Hi, Mark, it's Jeremy.
I'm with Merry, she was outside.
249
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,840
Someone's coming in.
250
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:33,880
'I'm not into that.'
251
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,000
No, Sophie, he's back,
I've got to go.
252
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,480
Hey, Mark. The Mark man.
253
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:43,480
Merry's come for her instructions
about the curly whirly cuckoo.
254
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:44,760
I get the message.
255
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,640
'What the hell is she doing?'
256
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:51,280
Look, listen, Merry,
have you got any phone numbers
257
00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:55,440
for brothers, sisters, or people?
258
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,640
Numbers?
Oh yeah, I've got some numbers.
259
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,360
Could you give us the numbers?
260
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:09,560
Merry, that's just three numbers.
261
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,280
I can put some more if you like.
262
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,240
Merry, I just wonder,
263
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,920
maybe you should be heading home.
264
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,360
Shall we call you a cab?
265
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,040
Yeah, let's call you a cab.
266
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:31,680
What do you think we should do?
267
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:35,360
I don't know, I'm scared.
This isn't usual.
268
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,680
Is this your sharpest razor?
269
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:42,120
It had better be sharp, because I
have a damn important meeting.
270
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,480
There you go, nice and tucked.
271
00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,840
I can hardly move under here,
I'm just tucked up so tight.
272
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,120
That's good tucking.
273
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:05,440
That's fine.
274
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,760
What are we going to do, Mark?
She's gone literally bonkers.
275
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,080
I don't know.
276
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,800
I think we should try
and contact someone who's...
277
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,400
Who's got more
responsibility for her than us?
278
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:16,960
Exactly.
279
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,880
But no mum now.
280
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:23,080
Did she once say something
about an uncle in Canada?
281
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,840
Who else is there?
282
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:25,800
Pedge?
283
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,560
I don't think he's going to take
her off our hands, he works in HMV.
284
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,400
Shit. I just don't know.
285
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:32,680
We could try the number.
286
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,520
Her three digit number?
287
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,360
It's worth a try.
288
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,000
It's not going to work.
289
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,400
It doesn't work.
290
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:45,200
OK, OK, I guess we've just got to
291
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:48,320
bloody take responsibility,
haven't we?
292
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,800
Hello, NHS Direct?
293
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:54,920
Hi. Listen, I
want to get my friend sectioned.
294
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,120
Yes, but I don't know
what the procedure is.
295
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:00,280
How easy would that be to do?
296
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:03,240
Would I have to be involved
or could I just give you the
297
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,840
house number and assure
you that she's mental?
298
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,640
'If it turns out be easy,
I could get a few other
299
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:12,000
'people sectioned. Get Mark
sectioned, get his nice big room.
300
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:15,000
'I guess it might cause a bit of a
bump in the friendship,
301
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:19,040
'but we got over the coffee rings
on the dining table incident.
Eventually.
302
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:22,000
They're putting me
through somewhere.
303
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,000
Cool.
304
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,760
Hi, Soph, me again.
305
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:29,200
Really am leaving a lot of
messages for you today, I know.
306
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,840
'So, Merry's gone. If I got
sectioned
307
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,520
'I'd put up more of a fight.
Downside, might get lobotomised.'
308
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:37,120
Seriously, it's fine
not calling back.
309
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:40,280
I hope it's not because I
hung up in the middle of our...
310
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,120
you know...thing.
311
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:47,600
But really do please call me back.
312
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:52,160
All my warmest wishes, Mark.
313
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:56,560
Ridiculous sign-off.
314
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,320
Not sending her a birthday card.
315
00:14:58,360 --> 00:14:59,480
Still nothing?
316
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:02,080
Six calls, nothing back.
317
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,720
I wasn't going to call again,
but then I thought,
318
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:09,240
Merry being sectioned, a nugget of
sad but interesting news.
319
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,440
Right. A talking point.
320
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:16,680
Did you try and get me sectioned?
321
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,560
What? Of course not.
322
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,480
Somebody tried to get me sectioned.
323
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:24,280
Jeremy! Super Hans is here.
Did you try to get him sectioned?
324
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:26,680
'What? Me? No.'
325
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,840
Why, did you try to
get him sectioned?
326
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,040
Of course not.
327
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,160
Well somebody tried
to get me sectioned
328
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,240
and nobody gets Super Hans
sectioned.
329
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,480
Well I definitely didn't
try to get you sectioned.
330
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,400
'That sounded pretty convincing.'
331
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:43,680
I guess it was just one of those
freaky urban things like those
people who go on fire for no reason.
332
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,600
Yeah. So listen,
333
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,200
I've been busting a gut
trying to sort the pub.
334
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,160
I tried to get European Bob
on board but he's a jerk-off.
335
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,400
He's still stuck in the crisp age.
336
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:57,320
What next? Bloody mead on tap?
337
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,920
Yeah, right, arsehole.
338
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:03,120
So, what do you think?
The old team back together?
339
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:07,000
Well, maybe,
but we need to agree on some stuff.
340
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,560
Like, and don't fly off the handle,
341
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,760
but I'm really not happy
with the name Free The Paedos.
342
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:19,000
Can't we call it something more
normal like The Swan And Tomato?
343
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,640
Yeah. Or compromise?
344
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:25,120
The Swan And Paedo.
345
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,600
Yeah, OK, sure.
And what about lager...
346
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:30,440
Details. Listen.
347
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,000
We need to get some fucking
proof of ownership.
348
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,280
We need property deeds. Keys cut,
349
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,720
borrow some start up wonga
for the overheads.
350
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,640
So, let's go over to Merry's.
351
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:42,360
Ah, could be a problem there.
352
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,120
Merry, you see, Merry's been
sectioned.
353
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:48,560
Merry's been sectioned?
You're kidding?
354
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,080
Jesus.
355
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,640
Who's going to be next?
356
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,840
'Incredible.
Still no call from Soph.
357
00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:02,200
'If she's broken up with me,
maybe I could consider Merry.
358
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,440
'It would sort of suit me to have
a girlfriend in an institution.
359
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:09,000
'Regulated meeting times. I might
get to have a say in her medication.
360
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:13,360
'I'd like to be able to chemically
alter my girlfriend's moods.'
361
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:17,000
Well, I have to say,
she's looking a lot better.
362
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,760
We'll just grab her stuff
and get her out your hair.
363
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,040
No, I'm afraid Merry needs to
be kept a close eye on just now.
364
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:27,120
But she's fine.
She's always been the life and soul.
365
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,720
Tabasco in your pint, frisbee in the
kitchen, that's Merry. She's kooky.
366
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,440
She's in the acute
stage of a manic episode.
367
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,080
What do you think, Merry?
368
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,880
I just want...
369
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,160
Everything's too much right now.
370
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,960
Shall we?
371
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:44,200
'At least she isn't proposing
sexual intercourse any more.'
372
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:45,600
Mark? >
373
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,880
Can you give these to Jeremy?
374
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,280
They're kind of important.
375
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:55,400
'Probably stopped fancying me now
the sedatives have kicked in and
she's lost the beer goggles.
376
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:58,400
'Normal service has been resumed.'
377
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,800
Come on, mate, let her go,
it's for the best.
378
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,360
Look, it might take us a
month or so just to see what
379
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,720
kind of drug or cognitive therapies
might help Merry with her condition.
380
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:08,240
Oh right, I see.
381
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:11,520
Your little world is threatened by
all the amazing Jack Nicholsons and
382
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,560
Robin Williamses burning so bright
383
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,920
you've got to keep them down
with a chemical cosh.
384
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,360
Come on, mate, set her free.
385
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,000
All she needs is a vodka and tonic
and a nice little lie-down.
386
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:23,680
I'm sorry, but there's no way I
can sign her out. She's not well.
387
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:28,840
Your dream is just everyone on the
omnibus, grey, eating grey sludge.
388
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,920
That's your dream, isn't it?
389
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,040
No.
390
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,280
We'll look after her.
391
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,440
She's just wacky, basically fine.
392
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:40,360
She's not fine,
she's temporarily mad.
393
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,120
Oh right,
you're with them now, are you, Mark?
394
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,040
Tell me, is it mad to be
diagnosed with a mental disorder
395
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:49,000
or is it in fact much more mad
to get up every morning to go to
396
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:52,520
your boring job so you can print
out lots of meaningless documents?
397
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:56,240
I'm sorry about this, it's the '60s,
he thinks he's living in the '60s.
398
00:18:56,280 --> 00:19:00,120
How about this?
You let her go and we promise,
399
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,240
promise, to keep her restrained.
400
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:03,880
Tightly tied.
401
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:09,000
I appreciate how passionately
you feel about your friend but
there's no way I can sign her out.
402
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,680
I'm sorry.
403
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,760
Look, Merry wanted me
to give you these deeds.
404
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:17,920
I'm not sure why or what...
405
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,400
OK, fair enough mate, I've
said my piece, but you win.
406
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,360
After all, you're the expert.
407
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,920
OK, guys, let's go.
408
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,400
< So, Jez, why is she
giving you these?
409
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:37,280
Those? I don't know. They're not
important. Just give them to me.
410
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:40,880
The deeds to the pub?
Of course they're important.
411
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,400
In fact, why do you even need them?
412
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,920
Oh, yeah, didn't I tell you?
413
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,520
She's giving us the place.
So just hand them over, really.
414
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,920
She gave it to you?
415
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:53,040
Well, yeah, it's all perfectly
legal, probably, Mark.
416
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:54,680
I don't see
what you're worried about.
417
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,960
But she's not in her right mind.
418
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,040
She was fine when
she gave us the pub.
419
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,320
Well, are you sure? I guess giving
420
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,800
away a pub that's worth several
thousands of pounds for free,
421
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,640
that kind of suggests you haven't
got your best thinking cap on?
422
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,600
Mark, we're not exploiting her.
423
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,760
Once we turn the pub into a cash
cow, we'll give her some cream.
424
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:15,760
Yeah, right.
425
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,600
Look, I just think in
this situation, Merry needs
426
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,360
an impartial adviser like me
to help her decide what's best.
427
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,240
God, you're loving this, aren't you?
428
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:28,000
Holding the deeds like Mr Monopoly
with his top hat and his iron.
429
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,800
Do you really think
if you don't give us her pub
430
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,640
she's going to let you screw her?
431
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,280
Oh, God, that is low.
432
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,440
That is really nuts.
433
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,080
Are you saying I'm mad?
Is that what you're saying?
434
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:43,720
Are you going to try
to get me sectioned
435
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:45,640
for simply following my dream?
436
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,800
I just think the best thing is if
I hand these to the authorities
437
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:50,440
and let them decide.
438
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,080
Hi, there, doctor, listen I just
wondered if you could take care of...
439
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,600
He's gone nuts.
440
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,000
He's out of his mind.
441
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:02,720
I'm not out of my mind I just
need to give you some documents.
442
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:07,280
He's a loony, he was running
round with his cock out before
saying it was on fire. He's lost it.
443
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:08,880
He thinks there's a pigeon
444
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:12,320
in Catalonia
that's in control of his legs.
445
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:13,840
I really don't.
446
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,160
Jeremy, tell him.
447
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:22,920
Well, I don't know,
mostly he's OK but maybe,
448
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,200
maybe you should keep him in for
observation for a couple of days.
449
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:27,960
Jeremy, are you...?
450
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,760
If anybody's going nuts here,
it's not me, it's you.
451
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,080
They could section you
for trying to section me.
452
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,920
If you try to section me,
you'll have crossed the line
453
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,920
and I will section you so help me.
454
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:43,440
Guys, you've had your
fun with the sectioning.
455
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:46,000
There's going to be no
more sectioning today.
456
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,720
'OK, act shocked, act shocked.'
457
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:54,800
God, Sophie.
458
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:55,880
Jesus, Mark.
459
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:57,600
This is so weird.
460
00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,840
I'm just on my way to Oxford
for a training day
461
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:02,400
at the Institute of Finance.
You must be, what?
462
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,440
Changing here on your way
to the Birmingham rep seminar?
463
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:06,880
Yeah, God, wow.
464
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,560
'God, she almost seems
to believe me.'
465
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:12,640
So, why haven't you called? You
haven't called for over a week.
466
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:16,080
Seeing you here by chance I might as
well find out why you haven't called.
467
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,160
I thought you'd be
busy with your new girlfriend.
468
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,080
What?
469
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:22,880
Your new girlfriend who you're in
love with. Merry. Remember?
470
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,080
Or do you fall in love
with people all the time?
471
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:28,360
Merry? You think... Merry?
472
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,920
She told me, Mark.
I called, she answered.
473
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:32,920
She was in your bed, "All tucked up
tight," as she put it.
474
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,240
Look, Merry's nuts, Sophie.
She's mentally ill.
475
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:39,200
She's been incarcerated.
She stayed one night
476
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,560
and then the white van came
to take her away.
477
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:43,800
Don't embarrass
yourself, Mark, it's fine.
478
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,160
Soph, look at me, honestly,
she's in hospital.
479
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:49,200
I can give you her reference number.
480
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:53,400
Oh, right, well,
I did think it was kind of...
481
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,600
So as far as you're
concerned we're still...
482
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:59,720
For the last few days I've been
under the impression that...
483
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:03,480
You haven't
done anything, have you, Soph?
484
00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,720
Um, no. Not really.
485
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,480
Not really?
486
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:13,440
Well, it's complicated
and nothing happened, really.
487
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,560
But now I think it'll be all right.
488
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:20,320
Anyway, I've got to get my...
489
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:22,600
I'll call you later, OK?
490
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:25,880
Bye.
491
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,040
'Nothing happened, really.
492
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:32,000
'The three least comforting
words in the English language.'
493
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:52,640
with the moles
494
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,280
Subtitles
by Red Bee Media Ltd
38647
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