Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language from the outset.

'This is the life. A modern man.

'Might have roast beef and The Culture later.

'Then take The Funday Times for a shit.'

God, oh dear.

Another horrible bit?

Yeah.

'Look at me. I've got a girlfriend.

'A proper girlfriend, reading a bestseller about child abuse.

'I go out and have croissants.

'I'm just a normal, functioning member of the human race,

'and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.'

So where do you know this rich bitch from, then?

She's not a rich... Merry's a good friend of mine and Mark's from uni.

Super Hans.

What? because it's a computer, you think it's made of spider webs and magic?

It's just a metal box, Jez, they're indestructible.

Really? Because it looks like it's not...

< Hey guys....

How's it going? Oh God, I can't get over

how lucky I am to find you, Jez.

'Canadian Merry. She probably thinks

'I'm getting nowhere with my music, and that's why I'm doing removals.

'I'll tell her all the cool bands do removals.

'I'll say Franz Ferdinand have got their own van.'

It just feels like everything is coming together. Doesn't it?

Yeah, I guess it does. Not too sad, though,

what with your mum dying, and everything?

No, No. Who needs mums? She wasn't there when I did my ballet exam,

she's not here for me now, so fuck her.

Yeah, that's a good attitude, probably.

Too right.

I'm looking for a couple of hip young gunslingers

to run the pub for me downstairs.

What, that's yours? You own the pub?

I used to run a pub.

Are you kidding? Would you be interested?

What, us, run a pub?

Well, I've never really thought about it before, but now that I do,

I think I'd probably like to do that more than anything else in the world.

Yeah. I am very particular about the kind

of establishment I run, though.

It needs to make a political statement, yeah?

A very strong political statement.

Does it? Are you sure?

Because I really don't think that it does, if it's a pub.

Well, that my position, and it's a deal breaker.

Whee!

'Oh God. Thank God, thank God it's ending.

'Finally. I've still got all my fingers intact, too.'

Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah that was fun.

'Urgh, I feel awful. I suppose doing things you hate

'is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.'

So, what next?

Well, they all look garish and unsafe, so why don't you choose?

MOBILE BEEPS

Oh, hold on.

'My girlfriend -

'standing next to her

'boyfriend reading a text like it's the natural thing in the world.

'I do feel very queasy.'

Oh, Mark.

Mark, this is so weird. Wow.

Are they spamming you about upgrading to 3G?

No, listen. I applied for this thing.

Barbara said I should, and I didn't think it would come off.

So I didn't mention.

But it looks like I might get a promotion.

Well, that's brilliant.

Which would mean me moving to Bristol.

'Oh my God.'

Permanently.

Ah! Are you OK?

Yeah. Yeah, just queasy from the waltzer.

Of course. I'm so sorry this has come up now, we need to talk.

No, really, it's the Waltzer.

I'm happy for you. Really.

So, this is the place you're going to be running for Merry?

Yeah.

Blimey.

So, this is a pub?

Well, it was, and it will be again.

Just imagine me in the pub all day, but no one can say anything,

because it's my job, so I've got to be there.

I'll literally get paid to go to the pub.

Yeah, I guess it won't be quite like

being paid just to go to the pub, because you'll be doing pub stuff

- the barrels, the tubes, the debit card authorisations.

Mark, do you have to live quite so relentlessly in the real world?

OK, Jez, fine, but have you done your market research?

Market research?

"If you build it, they will come." That's my market research.

Your market research is Field Of Dreams?

I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts.

That's your role model?

Oi oi. >

Mr Motivator.

I'm sure this place is going to be great.

Yeah, well you're barred. Because I can do that, I have the power to bar.

And I won't necessarily be using it wisely or compassionately.

Oh yeah.

Fuck, yeah, look at this place.

Yeah, I know. Still, we can move all this crap out

and put a bar, what, over there?

No, mate, no way.

Don't change nothing. It's perfect.

Perfect?

It doesn't even look like a pub.

Exactly. I've been down enough city boy chain pubs

with their logos in the foam and disinfectant in the lager.

Air-freshener in the mayo?

No, I want to run a place that makes a difference.

Yeah. Well, I'm sure we can sort that out somehow.

Let's start by getting rid of this.

That stays.

That's the reason I fell in love with this place.

You want a washing machine in the pub?

It'll freak 'em out.

What the fuck's a washing machine doing in a pub?

Jesus, I need a drink. Yeah?

And boom, they'll have to have one of our organic scrumpies.

Right, the thing is, Hans, as I've said before, I really just think

we should serve at least one lager, and nuts.

You know, people like lager and nuts.

People like Coldplay, and voted for the Nazis.

You can't trust people, Jeremy.

Maybe I should go solo.

I'm starting to have serious doubts about you.

I can't believe Sophie's just gone.

Do you think she'll stay faithful?

Oh yeah. Yeah, definitely. People always do.

Yeah, I guess.

Thanks, mate.

Really nice of Merry to invite us to the flat warming.

Oh, that's Merry. God, she's such a laugh.

Didn't you two even have a thing, back in Darty?

No, we never had a thing.

I thought, didn't you stay over in her room, the night we did all

the blues - Blues Brothers, Betty Blue, Blue Velvet, the Big Blue?

Well yes, but nothing happened.

I definitely remember you writing that very long letter in marker pen,

and then having a freak-out and burning it.

That was you, wasn't it?

So, the pub. What are you calling it?

No problem there. I mean we're deadlocked on that,

and a few other things, but I'm definitely not co-managing

a pub called Free The Paedos.

Right, yes.

I can see that.

'Maybe I should get off with someone at Merry's party,

'in case Sophie does in Bristol.

'Yeah, right. When was the last time I got off with someone at a party?

'Well, there was Carol Bananaface,

'but that was just a a macabre charade.'

OK, party time for the El Dude Brothers!

Agh! Agh!

Agh!

'God, life is futile.'

I'm so glad you guys could make it.

Right.

Merry, where is everyone?

Everyone who? No one else is coming, it's just us.

Just us?

Yeah.

Look, I'm just going to call Sophie, check, see what she's up to.

Now listen, Jez,

about the pub.

'Oh shit, here it comes. The dream dies.'

I'm going to get rid of the pub.

Oh, right. I just thought

maybe if we could manage it for a little while...

Do you want it? What?

You see, I'm going to get rid of it.

It's just this big thing sitting underneath me.

You mean, like own it?

Please, take it. Please.

Well, OK, sure.

Agh!

Oh my God!

Hey, fuck you, Mark. The world's not all wrong sometimes.

I'm calling Super Hans.

What's he...

Oh, Mark.

You've turned into quite a hunk, haven't you?

You're a hunky.

Well, it may surprise you to learn that

no one's ever said that to me.

You want to put your popsicle into my purse?

'Oh God, I'm being propositioned.'

I wrote you a letter, I didn't send it, but I don't know if you...

'Letter? Popsicle? This isn't good.'

Right, thank you.

You know, my bone's got a little machine.

Does it? Really?

OK, I'm just going to go to the bathroom.

'Maybe I should follow her. She's so hyper,

'she's probably really great at sex. But there's always the chance

'I'll get the toilet seat slammed on my cock for no reason.'

Yeah, totally. But Hans,

all of our major differences would just kind of drift away

as long as we don't try and confront them too early. Yeah?

All right, I'll see you down there. Yeah, yeah.

Jeremy, I think something's wrong with Merry.

She...made a pass at me.

You've got such low self-esteem, haven't you?

No, Jez, this is serious.

I'm worried about her. She's not right in the head.

Oh, rubbish. She's always been a bit full on. She's kooky.

Don't you think - the party, the pub.

I think she's gone a bit funny.

Oh, right. Now I get it.

She has some faith in Jeremy, hence she must be mental.

Listen guys, news flash. If you need to shit, shit in the bin.

OK, maybe she is a bit up and down.

Hey, Soph, long time no speak. How's it going?

'Oh my God, she would have got it by now, unless Amazon screwed up.

'Except they're so damn efficient.'

'So, I got the book you sent me, Vox, thanks.

'You know what it's about, Mark, don't you?'

Er, no. 'Phone sex.'

Oh, blimey.

'I wouldn't be against something like that, maybe it would be fun.'

Oh, OK, so, do you want to start?

'No, you start.'

OK, I'll just dive in, shall I?

'What am I going to say?

'Clinton would know what to say. Blair would know what to say.

'Even Putin would know what to say.'

Have you got nice tits?

'Well, it's not for me to say, but'

You have, you really have.

And feet, and arms.

You know, I don't want to just focus on the sexual parts.

'Look, listen, we might have to try going a bit dirtier, OK?'

OK, good.

'OK, so a guy's just walked in here, a big, nice guy without his pants on.

'And he's got a big hard-on.'

He goes. Can we get rid of him?

He goes and puts his pants on.

It's just you and me and...

and Andrew Neil's interviewing us about politics.

But when the camera's not on us, we're all hot.

I'm just screwing you, and there's nothing Andrew Neil can do about it.

'Who's Andrew Neil?'

It doesn't matter.

DOOR SHUTS

Hi, Mark, it's Jeremy. I'm with Merry, she was outside.

Someone's coming in.

'I'm not into that.'

No, Sophie, he's back, I've got to go.

Hey, Mark. The Mark man.

Merry's come for her instructions about the curly whirly cuckoo.

I get the message.

'What the hell is she doing?'

Look, listen, Merry, have you got any phone numbers

for brothers, sisters, or people?

Numbers? Oh yeah, I've got some numbers.

Could you give us the numbers?

Merry, that's just three numbers.

I can put some more if you like.

Merry, I just wonder,

maybe you should be heading home.

Shall we call you a cab?

Yeah, let's call you a cab.

What do you think we should do?

I don't know, I'm scared. This isn't usual.

Is this your sharpest razor?

It had better be sharp, because I have a damn important meeting.

There you go, nice and tucked.

I can hardly move under here, I'm just tucked up so tight.

That's good tucking.

That's fine.

What are we going to do, Mark? She's gone literally bonkers.

I don't know.

I think we should try and contact someone who's...

Who's got more responsibility for her than us?

Exactly.

But no mum now.

Did she once say something about an uncle in Canada?

Who else is there?

Pedge?

I don't think he's going to take her off our hands, he works in HMV.

Shit. I just don't know.

We could try the number.

Her three digit number?

It's worth a try.

It's not going to work.

It doesn't work.

OK, OK, I guess we've just got to

bloody take responsibility, haven't we?

Hello, NHS Direct?

Hi. Listen, I want to get my friend sectioned.

Yes, but I don't know what the procedure is.

How easy would that be to do?

Would I have to be involved or could I just give you the

house number and assure you that she's mental?

'If it turns out be easy, I could get a few other

'people sectioned. Get Mark sectioned, get his nice big room.

'I guess it might cause a bit of a bump in the friendship,

'but we got over the coffee rings on the dining table incident. Eventually.

They're putting me through somewhere.

Cool.

Hi, Soph, me again.

Really am leaving a lot of messages for you today, I know.

'So, Merry's gone. If I got sectioned

'I'd put up more of a fight. Downside, might get lobotomised.'

Seriously, it's fine not calling back.

I hope it's not because I hung up in the middle of our...

you know...thing.

But really do please call me back.

All my warmest wishes, Mark.

Ridiculous sign-off.

Not sending her a birthday card.

Still nothing?

Six calls, nothing back.

I wasn't going to call again, but then I thought,

Merry being sectioned, a nugget of sad but interesting news.

Right. A talking point.

Did you try and get me sectioned?

What? Of course not.

Somebody tried to get me sectioned.

Jeremy! Super Hans is here. Did you try to get him sectioned?

'What? Me? No.'

Why, did you try to get him sectioned?

Of course not.

Well somebody tried to get me sectioned

and nobody gets Super Hans sectioned.

Well I definitely didn't try to get you sectioned.

'That sounded pretty convincing.'

I guess it was just one of those freaky urban things like those people who go on fire for no reason.

Yeah. So listen,

I've been busting a gut trying to sort the pub.

I tried to get European Bob on board but he's a jerk-off.

He's still stuck in the crisp age.

What next? Bloody mead on tap?

Yeah, right, arsehole.

So, what do you think? The old team back together?

Well, maybe, but we need to agree on some stuff.

Like, and don't fly off the handle,

but I'm really not happy with the name Free The Paedos.

Can't we call it something more normal like The Swan And Tomato?

Yeah. Or compromise?

The Swan And Paedo.

Yeah, OK, sure. And what about lager...

Details. Listen.

We need to get some fucking proof of ownership.

We need property deeds. Keys cut,

borrow some start up wonga for the overheads.

So, let's go over to Merry's.

Ah, could be a problem there.

Merry, you see, Merry's been sectioned.

Merry's been sectioned? You're kidding?

Jesus.

Who's going to be next?

'Incredible. Still no call from Soph.

'If she's broken up with me, maybe I could consider Merry.

'It would sort of suit me to have a girlfriend in an institution.

'Regulated meeting times. I might get to have a say in her medication.

'I'd like to be able to chemically alter my girlfriend's moods.'

Well, I have to say, she's looking a lot better.

We'll just grab her stuff and get her out your hair.

No, I'm afraid Merry needs to be kept a close eye on just now.

But she's fine. She's always been the life and soul.

Tabasco in your pint, frisbee in the kitchen, that's Merry. She's kooky.

She's in the acute stage of a manic episode.

What do you think, Merry?

I just want...

Everything's too much right now.

Shall we?

'At least she isn't proposing sexual intercourse any more.'

Mark? >

Can you give these to Jeremy?

They're kind of important.

'Probably stopped fancying me now the sedatives have kicked in and she's lost the beer goggles.

'Normal service has been resumed.'

Come on, mate, let her go, it's for the best.

Look, it might take us a month or so just to see what

kind of drug or cognitive therapies might help Merry with her condition.

Oh right, I see.

Your little world is threatened by all the amazing Jack Nicholsons and

Robin Williamses burning so bright

you've got to keep them down with a chemical cosh.

Come on, mate, set her free.

All she needs is a vodka and tonic and a nice little lie-down.

I'm sorry, but there's no way I can sign her out. She's not well.

Your dream is just everyone on the omnibus, grey, eating grey sludge.

That's your dream, isn't it?

No.

We'll look after her.

She's just wacky, basically fine.

She's not fine, she's temporarily mad.

Oh right, you're with them now, are you, Mark?

Tell me, is it mad to be diagnosed with a mental disorder

or is it in fact much more mad to get up every morning to go to

your boring job so you can print out lots of meaningless documents?

I'm sorry about this, it's the '60s, he thinks he's living in the '60s.

How about this? You let her go and we promise,

promise, to keep her restrained.

Tightly tied.

I appreciate how passionately you feel about your friend but there's no way I can sign her out.

I'm sorry.

Look, Merry wanted me to give you these deeds.

I'm not sure why or what...

OK, fair enough mate, I've said my piece, but you win.

After all, you're the expert.

OK, guys, let's go.

< So, Jez, why is she giving you these?

Those? I don't know. They're not important. Just give them to me.

The deeds to the pub? Of course they're important.

In fact, why do you even need them?

Oh, yeah, didn't I tell you?

She's giving us the place. So just hand them over, really.

She gave it to you?

Well, yeah, it's all perfectly legal, probably, Mark.

I don't see what you're worried about.

But she's not in her right mind.

She was fine when she gave us the pub.

Well, are you sure? I guess giving

away a pub that's worth several thousands of pounds for free,

that kind of suggests you haven't got your best thinking cap on?

Mark, we're not exploiting her.

Once we turn the pub into a cash cow, we'll give her some cream.

Yeah, right.

Look, I just think in this situation, Merry needs

an impartial adviser like me to help her decide what's best.

God, you're loving this, aren't you?

Holding the deeds like Mr Monopoly with his top hat and his iron.

Do you really think if you don't give us her pub

she's going to let you screw her?

Oh, God, that is low.

That is really nuts.

Are you saying I'm mad? Is that what you're saying?

Are you going to try to get me sectioned

for simply following my dream?

I just think the best thing is if I hand these to the authorities

and let them decide.

Hi, there, doctor, listen I just wondered if you could take care of...

He's gone nuts.

He's out of his mind.

I'm not out of my mind I just need to give you some documents.

He's a loony, he was running round with his cock out before saying it was on fire. He's lost it.

He thinks there's a pigeon

in Catalonia that's in control of his legs.

I really don't.

Jeremy, tell him.

Well, I don't know, mostly he's OK but maybe,

maybe you should keep him in for observation for a couple of days.

Jeremy, are you...?

If anybody's going nuts here, it's not me, it's you.

They could section you for trying to section me.

If you try to section me, you'll have crossed the line

and I will section you so help me.

Guys, you've had your fun with the sectioning.

There's going to be no more sectioning today.

'OK, act shocked, act shocked.'

God, Sophie.

Jesus, Mark.

This is so weird.

I'm just on my way to Oxford for a training day

at the Institute of Finance. You must be, what?

Changing here on your way to the Birmingham rep seminar?

Yeah, God, wow.

'God, she almost seems to believe me.'

So, why haven't you called? You haven't called for over a week.

Seeing you here by chance I might as well find out why you haven't called.

I thought you'd be busy with your new girlfriend.

What?

Your new girlfriend who you're in love with. Merry. Remember?

Or do you fall in love with people all the time?

Merry? You think... Merry?

She told me, Mark. I called, she answered.

She was in your bed, "All tucked up tight," as she put it.

Look, Merry's nuts, Sophie. She's mentally ill.

She's been incarcerated. She stayed one night

and then the white van came to take her away.

Don't embarrass yourself, Mark, it's fine.

Soph, look at me, honestly, she's in hospital.

I can give you her reference number.

Oh, right, well, I did think it was kind of...

So as far as you're concerned we're still...

For the last few days I've been under the impression that...

You haven't done anything, have you, Soph?

Um, no. Not really.

Not really?

Well, it's complicated and nothing happened, really.

But now I think it'll be all right.

Anyway, I've got to get my...

I'll call you later, OK?

Bye.

'Nothing happened, really.

'The three least comforting words in the English language.'

with the moles

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd