Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

'OK, Jez. The love of your life's coming back today.

'Finish this shitty relationship.

'Shot to the head. Nice, clean kill.'

You're going to have to plunge harder than that. It's compacted grease.

Yeah. 'She might go angry, and I don't like her when she's angry.

'Just got to tough it out.'

Um... listen, Michelle.

About us...

I've been thinking about us! You know I'm looking for a lodger?

And you and me do go really good together.

Well, I was thinking, how about you move in?

Oh, right... That's interesting, because I was thinking

that I like you loads and loads, obviously,

but that also...

we could... not see each other any more.

Stop seeing each other? How's that going to work?

Well, I mean, instead of us calling each other up and kind of meeting up

and hanging out, we could try...not.

Jez! You're so funny! What are you afraid of?

'You.' Nothing. It's just...

What I'm hearing, loud and clear,

is that you're desperate for this relationship to grow. You just don't know how it can happen.

Kind of what I was saying was that we should not see each other any more, because...

Shh. Jez.

You've had your say. Now it's my turn.

You know how we have such an amazing time in bed together?

Well... Yeah.

Well, I was thinking, what if we took it to the next level?

Like, act out our dirtiest fantasies.

Yeah?

I mean...

What would that involve...exactly?

Anything. You can tell Michelle.

I guess I've always wondered what it might be like...to have a threesome.

Is that too much?

Are you kidding?

That's vanilla! Let's do it.

'Tonight's the night. Sophie's actually coming over. For some work!

'I don't think there'll be much work - except sex "work"!

'Don't think of it like work!

'Fish pie then missionary sex, and Newsnight afterwards. Classic!

'Might make a joke about Paxman and the economics woman. Paxo...

'Paxo wants to stuff... Stuffing. There's got to be a joke there.'

All right, mate. Will you lend us your phone, mate?

What?

Lend us your fucking phone.

Why?

Well, I need to make a call. Don't you have your own phone?

Lend us your phone!

Right. It's just...

"Neither a lender nor a borrower be."

Do you think we're some pair of shit houses?

No! God, no!

It's just... It's a BlackBerry!

Give us your phone, give us your wallet.

Come on! Before we fucking do you!

'Do me?! Are they going to rape me?!

'Or kill me?! If they rape and kill me, I hope they kill me first.

'I sort of win.'

Is that it?

You got nothing else?

Yes. What else?

There's my travelcard.

'That's great! Help the muggers! What d'you want? Approval?!'

All right.

Now piss off!

'Oh, this really takes the biscuit.'

Faster...!

'I thought it was the muggers who had to run off! The victim flees?'

Faster!

'Oh, this really leaves a sour taste.'

'This'll be OK. I'll just do the threesome tomorrow,

'then finish with her.

'Bit ungentlemanly, but then it's a threesome.

'It's not exactly Romeo and Juliet, is it?'

Hey, Mark.

You all right? Uh-huh.

'No need to tell him what happened.

'Just button up. Like the '40s.

'People saw terrible things in the war. They didn't go on about them.

'They had a cup of tea and invented the NHS instead.'

..Can I have a bit of your parsley? Get away! Fuck off! Fuck off my stuff!

It's just a bit of parsley! Look, it's just...

On the way home, I got...

These blokes...mugged me.

Oh, man. That is unlucky.

'Of course, they target the frail. They smell the weak.'

So, what happened? Did they pull a knife?

No, not a knife.

Jesus! A shooter?!

No, they didn't have a...

There was two of them.

They asked to borrow my phone, but...

they didn't really want to borrow it.

No?

No.

Then they asked for my wallet.

Uh-huh. So...they asked, and you just gave them your wallet?

Jeremy, I was in the underpass with these two...

..Gentleman who asked for your possessions! Mark!

You've got to toughen up! This is the 21st century.

You've seen Mad Max, haven't you? That's what's going to happen.

Mad Max isn't necessarily going to happen.

Oh, sure. You live in your Hitchhiker's Guide world,

wandering around in your dressing gown, and have a nice cup of tea.

Yes, well, look... Anyway, Sophie's coming over,

so I'm going to need the cooker.

Right. It's just... I was hoping...

You know, it's my big meal. The big night with Big Suze.

Right. Did you finish with Michelle?

Yeah... Kinda.

I mean, no. She offered me a threesome.

But what about..?

I thought you were dead set on getting back together with Big Suze.

I am, Mark! Totally!

She called again tonight.

God! What a great call! It was like the old days.

She was laughing like a...maniac!

Right. So what about the threesome? What about Michelle?

Oh, well. I had a bit of a plan about that.

I thought I wouldn't tell Big Suze about Michelle or the threesome.

Oh, right! Brilliant!

It's good, isn't it? Jez, are you sure about Big Suze?

It's just it took you such a long, long time

to get over her leaving you.

In a way, you never totally got over her leaving you.

Well, that's just as well, then, isn't it? Cos now she's coming back.

So shut up!

Great fish pie, Mark. Thank you, Soph. Thanks very much.

I may not be an expert, but I do my best,

and that's all anyone can ask.

'Just subtly lowering her expectations in the bedroom there!'

So, I was thinking...

Maybe we could work a bit better in the bedroom!

I mean, it's fine if you don't want to.

Sure, great!

'Oh, God! She's a man-eater. She's going to chew me up and spit me out!'

Mark, where's all the Ikea candles?

Uh... DOORBELL RINGS

It's Suze! Big Suze is here!

Hi, Jeremy!

Big Suze! My, God! You're looking...great!

Three years, yeah? Three bloody years!

I know, and look at you!

God, you've changed so much! But I think you might be wearing

the same clothes as when I last saw you.

Right! What a weird coincidence!

Oh, we should leave that for Stu.

Stew? What stew?

Who's Stu?

Stu's my man! My hunk of monk!

What the hell do you mean by that?

Just that he used to be a monk, that's all.

He's just parking up the Golf. But... Your man? Cos I thought, you know...

On the phone, there was all the laughing... I mean... I thought...

What was all the laughing for?

It was just laughing.

Oh, right.

What's the problem, Jez? I thought this was going to be nice.

I'm with Stu, you're with good old Michelle.

Shit! They're still in contact! Think of something. No, I'm not.

Oh. Right. She just said...

That was just a mistake. DOORBELL RINGS

Followed by a series of subsequent mistakes

which, when you look at all together, really don't add up to much.

Anyway, I've done all that now, so there's nothing stopping us...

We should let Stu in. Ye-eah... Should we, though?

Hey, Stu-bod! This is Jez.

Hey, man. Hi. I'm her ex.

Jez, don't be stupid. We were never really...

We lived together for a year and a half.

Well, we kind of did, but in 2002, in that weird flat.

The Love Shack?!

Listen, can we take a shower? No. It was a really sweaty flight.

There isn't that much hot water.

That's fine. We'll share! See you in an hour or so, yeah?

'He's a monk. He's going to have 15 years of spunk backed up.

'How am I supposed to compete with that?'

Wow! This is a lot of candles. It's actually getting pretty hot in here.

I tried opening a window, but a lot of them blew out,

which, I suppose, actually shows that electric light

is quite a lot better. I know that's not a very fashionable thing to say.

'What am I talking about?

'Jeremy's sex CD!

'Better than Big Bond Themes, I guess.

'Bond wouldn't get mugged!

'Bollocks! Forgot to call and stop the phone.

'Could go and do it now - pretend I need a dump... Not very sexy.'

So, Mark. Time for us to get down to some work.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

'Oh, yeah, this is it!

'This is really happening!

'Relax. Stop worrying about the muggers and their free calls!

'I'm getting sexy!

'Bastards are probably going through my address book,

'randomly deleting contacts. That's probably how they get their kicks.'

'Shit! I'm not kissing right!

'Plus, nothing growing in the pants department.

'I'm as limp as a charity wristband.

'Got to stop thinking about the muggers! Be in the moment, Corrigan!

'Shit, she's snaking up the thigh!

'But there's nothing at the top of it! Abort! Abort!'

So, great.

Great. That was great, Soph.

Lovely...interlude.

Right.

But I think we should probably...

I mean, this work isn't going to do itself.

The work?

Yup!

The bloody work!

I don't really care about the work, Mark. Oh. Oh.

Sure. Sure you don't, Soph.

Now, where's that broadband cable?

I should be able to... Mark...

I know it's taken us a while to get here, but this feels really right.

'Please don't touch my floppy cock!'

I want you to be sure.

I am sure, so, shall we...?

Oh, God, I want to, but it's just these damn reports!

'God. How long does a shower take?!

'Still, drinking alone. What's the big deal?

'Why's it necessarily a bad thing?

'If you drink a bottle of vodka and there's a bloke next to you,

'does that somehow make it all right?'

I'm really parched, mate. Mind if I've a swig of something?

Whatever.

'Jesus.

'That's what a man should look like. Those arms! They're amazing!

'Like boughs of sturdy English oak.

'My God, if you had them wrapped around you, you'd just feel so safe.'

Listen, Jeremy. I just wanted to say -

you've obviously got feelings about Suze and the past, and that's cool.

So listen, man. Really nice to meet you, and no hard feelings, yeah?

Sure.

Ah ha ha!! How do you like that, Stu?

You...monk!

What does that even mean?

You know what it means, Stu, from how it makes you feel.

That's what it means. Yeah!

Welcome to big school!

Who needs to be a man when you've got a knife?

Good old Mr Patel and his illegal supply of knives.

OK, come on then, Mark.

T Mobile gave you the numbers the mugger called. Ring the numbers!

Might be able to get my Blackberry back

and not get humiliated by Patrick in IT.

Hey! What you looking so serious about there, Mr Corrigan?

Oh, just... Nothing.

I was wondering how far a girl like you might go on a second date!

HE TITTERS Well, you know...

At least second base!

'Relax! Let it happen!

'But nothing's stirring!

'Uh-oh. She's going to feel the knife!

'Can't let her feel the hard knife, or the soft cock!'

Look, Sophie. This is a hell of a laugh, and all,

and I love horseplay and light-heartedness

and having a great time,

but there's codes of conduct, and disciplinary procedures,

and it just makes me very nervous.

OK, Mark. Just screwing around.

We're not going to get it on in the photocopying room.

Yes, Sophie. I know. Really.

Let's have fun!

Yeah!

Look, I'm just...

You know me. I'm old-fashioned. I like courting.

Look, why don't we go to the pictures?

Sure. Shall I bring a chaperone?

I like your joke, Sophie. A point well made.

A point well made.

Later, baby!

'Ugh! "Baby"!

'Note to self re being the Fonz - Mark, you are not the Fonz!'

'Threesome, oh, yeah.

'Here I come! No need for Big Suze ever even to know about...'

Big Suze! Hi, Jeremy. Here for the threesome?

Well, yeah.

'Oh, my God! I'm going to have a threesome with Big Suze!

'Michelle's not some sort of macho sexual terrorist! She's...brilliant!'

Hey, Jez. Hi! So, Suze. Brilliant to see you.

Great, isn't it? I need somewhere to live, and Michelle needs a lodger.

You're moving in with Michelle?

It's great, isn't it? I'd forgotten how sweet she is. Ah, that smile.

I know.

Have an amazing time with the threesome!

Where's she...?

Come on. There's someone in the living room to introduce you to!

Jeremy, meet Vicky.

Hi, there.

Does he know the ground rules?

What? Has he had a shower? He doesn't look like he's showered.

Why isn't she talking to me?

Vicky's just busy, OK? She's not sure about this. She's doing me a massive favour.

She'd just rather not talk to you, OK? Vicky,

shall we go and get ready? I suppose so.

You know where the bathroom is.

You'll find antibacterial shower wash by the basin, OK?

'I will have had a threesome.

'I will have had a threesome.'

So, Jez!

A threesome! That'll be nice.

My friend Jen did a threesome once. She cried for an hour afterwards,

but I'd still like to try it sometime.

Yeah, right.

Suze, you don't want to go back out with me, do you?

Oh, Jez.

You're such a nice guy. But I think maybe it wasn't meant to be.

Jez, we're ready! Listen, you can skip the shower.

Just use a flannel! Vicky doesn't want to miss her train!

'This is great. I'm having it large. It's like I'm living in a porno -

'except porn stars probably get lovely sedatives

'so they feel like they're not really there.

'Lovely sedatives...'

That wasn't depressing, that was great.

Big Suze out of my life forever. So what? I'm getting threesomes.

Why have I never thought about drinking in the day before?

What's more fun than a couple of nice, cold beerskis?

What's depressing about that? Nothing.

You can't be depressed when you're pissed, it's not possible.

'Jeremy, I've got a lead. This kid says he can get my phone back.

'I've got to meet him at Chicken Corner. I need back-up.'

'I'm on it.' Jez, where are you?

I'm at the supermarket.

'Are you drunk?'

Yep. I'm doing the big shop and I'm doing it brilliantly.

You're not just buying chocolate, crisps and booze, are you?

No.

I also have dips. I'll say I ate the dips.

I just hope the drinking, it hasn't become a problem.

'Course not!'

Shut up! Don't knock the drinking.

It was while I was drinking I came up with my plan about Stu.

What's your plan? I'm going to hit him.

That's not really a plan as such.

Of course it's a plan. It's a fucking brilliant plan!

I plan to hit him. What isn't a plan about that?

Look, I'll see you in a bit.

'I must look so cool to her.

'Like Pete Doherty, or Bukowski.

'Yeah, that's right, honey, I'm a street-fighting man.

'God, she's probably getting wet just looking at me.'

Hold your horses, honey, I've got coupons for the Pringles.

So, thanks for coming.

I mean, obviously your mate,

I don't approve of what he's done,

but there's no reason why we can't be civil.

Yeah, sure.

So, what I'm after...

What I'm DEMANDING is my Blackberry back.

I might be able to help you.

That would be fantastic, cos it actually belongs to my office.

It's going to cost you 50 quid.

No. See you later.

Yes.

All right, cool.

I mean, I think...

I have to say, this is a bit rich,

but I guess maybe there's certain administrative costs

for you to bear.

That's 60, it's gone up to 60 now, mate.

Really? Yep.

Cos obviously this dynamic could go on indefinitely.

Is 60... Will that really be it?

Definitely.

Cheers. One more thing, would you ask for it again, but in a lady's voice?

I'm sorry?

Ask for your Blackberry like a lady.

No, I really... OK, mate.

HIGH-Can I have my Blackberry back? Please.

HIGH-Can I have my Blackberry back, please?

Listen, I'll call you when I've got it, yeah?

But he hasn't got my...

Oh, no, of course. He'll have my number from when I called him.

HIGH-Yes, and he'll definitely be calling

'Yeah, come on, Stu, you stupid monk!

'Come on, buddy, I watched you go in. You've got to come out.

'They don't have beds in churches, I don't think.

'Do they? Maybe they do for the vicars...'

Jeremy? Shit, man, are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

'Probably missed the moment to smack him now.'

How are you?

Do you want to...? I'm just heading back in for evensong.

Are you OK, mate?

You look like you could do with a...

Yeah, that might be nice, actually.

'Oh, the hug, I'm finally getting the hug.

'He smells good. Those big arms.

'I just feel so safe.'

'Oh, Jesus. I've got to get a hard-on soon or we're finished.

'Maybe I was too quick to delete those spam e-mails

'about erection enhancement.

'One of them might just be from a misunderstood scientific genius.

'Oh, my... Is that...?

'Is it? God, it is! It's him!

'The bloody mugger! Should I...run?

'Can't run, must maintain social veneer.

'Oh, God, please don't hit me! Please don't hit me, not here!'

Do I know you? What? Me?

No, no, I don't think so.

I'm sure I know you from somewhere.

I don't think so.

You're probably thinking I look a bit like one of the Shadow Cabinet.

Didn't you give me a driving lesson when Carl was in the Canaries?

No, definitely not. "Not I," said the walrus.

I'm surprised he's even taken his test. He doesn't look 17.

'She must never know what a pathetic man I am.

'Never!'

'I like it here. It feels calm, almost spiritual.

'I feel...different.'

This is a good song.

Yeah. Suze come down to check it out, actually.

Hi, Jez. Isn't it nice down here?

Look at all these lovely, normal people.

'Oh, she's beautiful. Like an angel.

'Oh, right, I get it.

'It's a big love club down the church, but I'm not invited.

'The only clubs I'm invited to are sex parties

'and Friends Reunited dos at TGI Fridays.

'Well, fuck you!'

Ow!

That's right. God didn't protect you from my big fist.

Yeah, you big lump of monk!

'What kind of person am I?

'Sitting watching a film in the company of a man who robbed me.

'If Dad knew he'd call me a big Jessie in his

'extremely unfunny gay voice.'

I wish that guy in the baseball cap would shut up.

It's annoying, isn't it?

'Am I going to sit here and have my evening ruined by some arsehole?

'Just like when I put my parka on backwards for a joke

'and Terence Woo taped the hood over my face and everyone laughed.

'Well, I'm not going to take it any more!

'I'm not going to fucking take it any more!'

What the f...?

Maybe that'll teach you not to rustle your bloody popcorn!

He was really rustling. That's unacceptable.

I can't believe you did that! It was only the trailers!

I just love those Orange ads!

I didn't expect that sort of thing from you.

I guess sometimes people can surprise you.

You really whacked him.

'God, she loves violence!

'They probably all do really.

'They say they want you to talk about your feelings,

'but really they just want you to beat and gouge your rivals.

'Hey, there's the stirring!

'The unstoppable rise.

'It's like globalisation - it's inevitable.

'Hark at its stately progress.

'This is it, the eagle has landed!'

Mark, what's that in your pocket?

Captain Corrigan ready to receive his orders, sir.

No, not that. The other thing.

Oh, that. That's just a little friend

of mine called Mr Cutty Knife,

in case I have to chop down a rival alpha male.

Mark, you carry a knife. What the fuck?!

'Oh, right. So they like hitting, but there's a massive taboo

'about stabbing.'

No, it's not a knife, really, it's for horses' hooves, whittling.

Look, all right.

It's just I'd like to learn kick boxing to protect myself,

I just don't have the time.

So basically, what this is, is a rather efficient time-saving device.

'Good old Michelle. Cold, but comforting.

'Kind of like a friendly Dalek.'

That guy's got a problem. He's like some kind of David Koresh,

Archbishop Tutu-style religious maniac.

Right, you're all done.

OK, ready for some dirty playtime?

Carry on the sex odyssey?

But we've already done that.

Oh, we did yours, Jez. Now it's time for mine.

'Oh, God, no!'

I don't feel very well, can't we do it some other time?

Jez, we had a deal.

But I really... I really don't think I want to.

Me think the lady doth protest too much.

'It was a sort of deal, I suppose.

'Don't want to get a reputation as a deal-welcher,

'might stop me getting a mortgage.

'Maybe it'll be better if I imagine it's Stu.

'Yeah, just imagine it's lovely Stu.'

Everybody's coming to get me

with the moles