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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:05,520
This programme contains
strong language.
2
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:21,480
'OK, Jez. The love of your
life's coming back today.
3
00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:23,680
'Finish this shitty relationship.
4
00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:26,160
'Shot to the head. Nice, clean kill.'
5
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:29,400
You're going to have to plunge
harder than that. It's compacted
grease.
6
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:33,240
Yeah. 'She might go angry, and
I don't like her when she's angry.
7
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:35,160
'Just got to tough it out.'
8
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,240
Um... listen, Michelle.
9
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About us...
10
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:41,560
I've been thinking about us!
You know I'm looking for a lodger?
11
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,120
And you and me do go
really good together.
12
00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:46,920
Well, I was thinking,
how about you move in?
13
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:51,440
Oh, right... That's interesting,
because I was thinking
14
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:55,680
that I like you loads and loads,
obviously,
15
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:57,720
but that also...
16
00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,040
we could... not see each other
any more.
17
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,720
Stop seeing each other?
How's that going to work?
18
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:07,160
Well, I mean, instead of us calling
each other up and kind of meeting up
19
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:10,120
and hanging out, we could try...not.
20
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:14,360
Jez! You're so funny!
What are you afraid of?
21
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,080
'You.' Nothing. It's just...
22
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,040
What I'm hearing, loud and clear,
23
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:23,440
is that you're desperate for this
relationship to grow. You just don't
know how it can happen.
24
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:27,400
Kind of what I was saying was that
we should not see each other
any more, because...
25
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,040
Shh. Jez.
26
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:31,080
You've had
your say. Now it's my turn.
27
00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:35,160
You know how we have such
an amazing time in bed together?
28
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,880
Well... Yeah.
29
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:41,440
Well, I was thinking, what if
we took it to the next level?
30
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,880
Like,
act out our dirtiest fantasies.
31
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:45,560
Yeah?
32
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:46,920
I mean...
33
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,160
What would that involve...exactly?
34
00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:53,440
Anything. You can tell Michelle.
35
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:59,200
I guess I've always wondered what it
might be like...to have a threesome.
36
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:00,920
Is that too much?
37
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:02,600
Are you kidding?
38
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:04,880
That's vanilla! Let's do it.
39
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:11,000
'Tonight's the night. Sophie's
actually coming over. For some work!
40
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:15,120
'I don't think there'll be much
work - except sex "work"!
41
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:17,240
'Don't think of it like work!
42
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:21,080
'Fish pie then missionary sex,
and Newsnight afterwards. Classic!
43
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,680
'Might make a joke about Paxman
and the economics woman. Paxo...
44
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:28,320
'Paxo wants to stuff... Stuffing.
There's got to be a joke there.'
45
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:31,440
All right, mate.
Will you lend us your phone, mate?
46
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:32,640
What?
47
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,280
Lend us your fucking phone.
48
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,720
Why?
49
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,680
Well, I need to make a call.
Don't you have your own phone?
50
00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:39,880
Lend us your phone!
51
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,680
Right. It's just...
52
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:44,200
"Neither a lender
nor a borrower be."
53
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,360
Do you think we're some
pair of shit houses?
54
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,880
No! God, no!
55
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:49,600
It's just... It's a BlackBerry!
56
00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,760
Give us your phone,
give us your wallet.
57
00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,240
Come on! Before we fucking do you!
58
00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:57,000
'Do me?! Are they going to rape me?!
59
00:02:57,040 --> 00:03:01,600
'Or kill me?! If they rape and
kill me, I hope they kill me first.
60
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,120
'I sort of win.'
61
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,280
Is that it?
62
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:06,640
You got nothing else?
63
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:08,200
Yes.
What else?
64
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,800
There's my travelcard.
65
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:14,760
'That's great! Help the muggers!
What d'you want? Approval?!'
66
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:15,920
All right.
67
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,880
Now piss off!
68
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,800
'Oh, this really takes the biscuit.'
69
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,120
Faster...!
70
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,200
'I thought it was the muggers who
had to run off! The victim flees?'
71
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,240
Faster!
72
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:30,160
'Oh, this really leaves
a sour taste.'
73
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:35,360
'This'll be OK. I'll just do
the threesome tomorrow,
74
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:36,760
'then finish with her.
75
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,400
'Bit ungentlemanly,
but then it's a threesome.
76
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:42,320
'It's not exactly Romeo and Juliet,
is it?'
77
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:43,560
Hey, Mark.
78
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:47,800
You all right?
Uh-huh.
79
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,200
'No need to tell him what happened.
80
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,280
'Just button up. Like the '40s.
81
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:56,080
'People saw terrible things in the
war. They didn't go on about them.
82
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,760
'They had a cup of tea and
invented the NHS instead.'
83
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:02,600
..Can I have a bit of your parsley?
Get away! Fuck off! Fuck off
my stuff!
84
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:06,600
It's just a bit of parsley!
Look, it's just...
85
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:09,440
On the way home, I got...
86
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,480
These blokes...mugged me.
87
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,840
Oh, man. That is unlucky.
88
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:19,120
'Of course, they target the frail.
They smell the weak.'
89
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:22,200
So, what happened?
Did they pull a knife?
90
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,040
No, not a knife.
91
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,240
Jesus! A shooter?!
92
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:29,280
No, they didn't have a...
93
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,920
There was two of them.
94
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,600
They asked to borrow my phone,
but...
95
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,880
they didn't really
want to borrow it.
96
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,480
No?
97
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:39,960
No.
98
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:41,640
Then they asked for my wallet.
99
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:49,400
Uh-huh. So...they asked, and
you just gave them your wallet?
100
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,640
Jeremy, I was in the
underpass with these two...
101
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,240
..Gentleman who asked for
your possessions! Mark!
102
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:58,200
You've got to toughen up!
This is the 21st century.
103
00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:01,680
You've seen Mad Max, haven't you?
That's what's going to happen.
104
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:03,760
Mad Max isn't
necessarily going to happen.
105
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,560
Oh, sure. You live
in your Hitchhiker's Guide world,
106
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,520
wandering around in your dressing
gown, and have a nice cup of tea.
107
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:13,040
Yes, well, look...
Anyway, Sophie's coming over,
108
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,760
so I'm going to need the cooker.
109
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,400
Right. It's just... I was hoping...
110
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:20,400
You know, it's my big meal.
The big night with Big Suze.
111
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,480
Right. Did you finish with Michelle?
112
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,520
Yeah... Kinda.
113
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,480
I mean, no.
She offered me a threesome.
114
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:29,120
But what about..?
115
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,040
I thought you were dead set on
getting back together with Big Suze.
116
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,080
I am, Mark! Totally!
117
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,720
She called again tonight.
118
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,880
God! What a great call!
It was like the old days.
119
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,720
She was laughing like a...maniac!
120
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:45,800
Right. So what about the threesome?
What about Michelle?
121
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,640
Oh, well.
I had a bit of a plan about that.
122
00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:52,200
I thought I wouldn't tell Big Suze
about Michelle or the threesome.
123
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:53,920
Oh, right! Brilliant!
124
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:58,720
It's good, isn't it?
Jez, are you sure about Big Suze?
125
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:02,080
It's just it took you
such a long, long time
126
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:03,920
to get over her leaving you.
127
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:07,760
In a way, you never
totally got over her leaving you.
128
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:12,080
Well, that's just as well, then,
isn't it? Cos now she's coming back.
129
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,920
So shut up!
130
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:22,480
Great fish pie, Mark.
Thank you, Soph. Thanks very much.
131
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,160
I may not be an expert,
but I do my best,
132
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,320
and that's all anyone can ask.
133
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,640
'Just subtly lowering her
expectations in the bedroom there!'
134
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,560
So, I was thinking...
135
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,520
Maybe we could work a bit better
in the bedroom!
136
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,120
I mean, it's fine
if you don't want to.
137
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,160
Sure, great!
138
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:44,760
'Oh, God! She's a man-eater.
She's going to chew me up and spit
me out!'
139
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:47,320
Mark, where's all the Ikea candles?
140
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,600
Uh...
DOORBELL RINGS
141
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,400
It's Suze! Big Suze is here!
142
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:53,960
Hi, Jeremy!
143
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:58,720
Big Suze!
My, God! You're looking...great!
144
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,720
Three years, yeah?
Three bloody years!
145
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,480
I know, and look at you!
146
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,960
God, you've changed so much! But I
think you might be wearing
147
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,200
the same clothes
as when I last saw you.
148
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,080
Right! What a weird coincidence!
149
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,760
Oh, we should leave that for Stu.
150
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,280
Stew? What stew?
151
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:18,840
Who's Stu?
152
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:21,880
Stu's my man! My hunk of monk!
153
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,080
What the hell do you mean by that?
154
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,360
Just that he used
to be a monk, that's all.
155
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:32,640
He's just parking up the Golf.
But... Your man? Cos I thought,
you know...
156
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:36,520
On the phone, there was all the
laughing... I mean... I thought...
157
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,680
What was all the laughing for?
158
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,080
It was just laughing.
159
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,000
Oh, right.
160
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:46,280
What's the problem, Jez?
I thought this was going to be nice.
161
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:49,200
I'm with Stu,
you're with good old Michelle.
162
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,880
Shit! They're still in contact!
Think of something. No, I'm not.
163
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:54,960
Oh. Right. She just said...
164
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,760
That was just a mistake.
DOORBELL RINGS
165
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:59,800
Followed by a series of subsequent
mistakes
166
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:03,160
which, when you look at all together,
really don't add up to much.
167
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,960
Anyway, I've done all that now,
so there's nothing stopping us...
168
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,000
We should let Stu in.
Ye-eah... Should we, though?
169
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,040
Hey, Stu-bod! This is Jez.
170
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,880
Hey, man.
Hi. I'm her ex.
171
00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:17,040
Jez, don't be stupid.
We were never really...
172
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,720
We lived together
for a year and a half.
173
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:24,680
Well, we kind of did,
but in 2002, in that weird flat.
174
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,440
The Love Shack?!
175
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:30,120
Listen, can we take a shower?
No. It was a really sweaty flight.
176
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:31,640
There isn't that much hot water.
177
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:34,520
That's fine. We'll share!
See you in an hour or so, yeah?
178
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,800
'He's a monk. He's going to have
15 years of spunk backed up.
179
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:41,160
'How am I supposed
to compete with that?'
180
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:48,600
Wow! This is a lot of candles. It's
actually getting pretty hot in here.
181
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:51,480
I tried opening a window,
but a lot of them blew out,
182
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:54,440
which, I suppose, actually shows
that electric light
183
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:58,320
is quite a lot better. I know that's
not a very fashionable thing to say.
184
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,320
'What am I talking about?
185
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,600
'Jeremy's sex CD!
186
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:05,040
'Better than Big Bond
Themes, I guess.
187
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:06,800
'Bond wouldn't get mugged!
188
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:09,640
'Bollocks!
Forgot to call and stop the phone.
189
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:13,840
'Could go and do it now - pretend
I need a dump... Not very sexy.'
190
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:18,960
So, Mark. Time for us
to get down to some work.
191
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,720
Oh.
192
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,160
Oh, yeah.
193
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:26,960
'Oh, yeah, this is it!
194
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,240
'This is really happening!
195
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:34,440
'Relax. Stop worrying about
the muggers and their free calls!
196
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:35,960
'I'm getting sexy!
197
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,480
'Bastards are probably going through
my address book,
198
00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,960
'randomly deleting contacts. That's
probably how they get their kicks.'
199
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,520
'Shit! I'm not kissing right!
200
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:48,240
'Plus, nothing growing
in the pants department.
201
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,440
'I'm as limp as a charity wristband.
202
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:54,160
'Got to stop thinking about the
muggers! Be in the moment, Corrigan!
203
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,760
'Shit, she's snaking up the thigh!
204
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,760
'But there's nothing at the top
of it! Abort! Abort!'
205
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,000
So, great.
206
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,200
Great. That was great, Soph.
207
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,000
Lovely...interlude.
208
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:09,440
Right.
209
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,800
But I think we should probably...
210
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:15,280
I mean,
this work isn't going to do itself.
211
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,800
The work?
212
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,000
Yup!
213
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,160
The bloody work!
214
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,840
I don't really care about
the work, Mark. Oh. Oh.
215
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,400
Sure. Sure you don't, Soph.
216
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,400
Now, where's that broadband cable?
217
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,160
I should be able to...
Mark...
218
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:36,120
I know it's taken us a while to get
here, but this feels really right.
219
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,640
'Please don't touch my floppy cock!'
220
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:40,960
I want you to be sure.
221
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:44,040
I am sure, so, shall we...?
222
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:50,240
Oh, God, I want to, but it's just
these damn reports!
223
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:55,360
'God. How long does a shower take?!
224
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,360
'Still, drinking alone.
What's the big deal?
225
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,920
'Why's it necessarily a bad thing?
226
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,280
'If you drink a bottle of vodka and
there's a bloke next to you,
227
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,320
'does that somehow make it
all right?'
228
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:10,360
I'm really parched, mate.
Mind if I've a swig of something?
229
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:12,640
Whatever.
230
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,760
'Jesus.
231
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:19,280
'That's what a man should look like.
Those arms! They're amazing!
232
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,240
'Like boughs of sturdy English oak.
233
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:27,200
'My God, if you had them wrapped
around you, you'd just feel so safe.'
234
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,680
Listen, Jeremy.
I just wanted to say -
235
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:34,400
you've obviously got feelings about
Suze and the past, and that's cool.
236
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:38,920
So listen, man. Really nice to meet
you, and no hard feelings, yeah?
237
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,200
Sure.
238
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,200
Ah ha ha!! How do you like that, Stu?
239
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:47,080
You...monk!
240
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,880
What does that even mean?
241
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:51,680
You know what it means, Stu,
from how it makes you feel.
242
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:53,680
That's what it means. Yeah!
243
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:55,480
Welcome to big school!
244
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,720
Who needs to be a man
when you've got a knife?
245
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:05,040
Good old Mr Patel and his
illegal supply of knives.
246
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:06,760
OK, come on then, Mark.
247
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:10,920
T Mobile gave you the numbers the
mugger called. Ring the numbers!
248
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,200
Might be able to get my Blackberry
back
249
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,440
and not get humiliated by Patrick
in IT.
250
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,240
Hey! What you looking so
serious about there, Mr Corrigan?
251
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:21,120
Oh, just... Nothing.
252
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,760
I was wondering how far a girl like
you might go on a second date!
253
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,040
HE TITTERS
Well, you know...
254
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,320
At least second base!
255
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,880
'Relax! Let it happen!
256
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,960
'But nothing's stirring!
257
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,360
'Uh-oh. She's going to feel
the knife!
258
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:38,320
'Can't let her feel the hard knife,
or the soft cock!'
259
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:41,800
Look, Sophie.
This is a hell of a laugh, and all,
260
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,160
and I love horseplay
and light-heartedness
261
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,800
and having a great time,
262
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:51,560
but there's codes of conduct,
and disciplinary procedures,
263
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,360
and it just makes me very nervous.
264
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:54,960
OK, Mark. Just screwing around.
265
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,160
We're not going to get it on
in the photocopying room.
266
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,760
Yes, Sophie. I know. Really.
267
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,440
Let's have fun!
268
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,440
Yeah!
269
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,360
Look, I'm just...
270
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,400
You know me. I'm old-fashioned.
I like courting.
271
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:12,440
Look, why don't
we go to the pictures?
272
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,160
Sure. Shall I bring a chaperone?
273
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,400
I like your joke, Sophie.
A point well made.
274
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,400
A point well made.
275
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:21,840
Later, baby!
276
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,640
'Ugh! "Baby"!
277
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:29,720
'Note to self re being the Fonz -
Mark, you are not the Fonz!'
278
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,880
'Threesome, oh, yeah.
279
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:36,240
'Here I come! No need for Big Suze
ever even to know about...'
280
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:39,440
Big Suze!
Hi, Jeremy. Here for the threesome?
281
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:40,960
Well, yeah.
282
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,320
'Oh, my God! I'm going to have
a threesome with Big Suze!
283
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:48,280
'Michelle's not some sort of macho
sexual terrorist! She's...brilliant!'
284
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:53,160
Hey, Jez.
Hi! So, Suze. Brilliant to see you.
285
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:56,760
Great, isn't it? I need somewhere to
live, and Michelle needs a lodger.
286
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,680
You're moving in with Michelle?
287
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:03,360
It's great, isn't it? I'd forgotten
how sweet she is. Ah, that smile.
288
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:04,640
I know.
289
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:07,240
Have an amazing time
with the threesome!
290
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,800
Where's she...?
291
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:12,200
Come on. There's someone in the
living room to introduce you to!
292
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:15,080
Jeremy, meet Vicky.
293
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,520
Hi, there.
294
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:18,240
Does he know the ground rules?
295
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:22,360
What? Has he had a shower?
He doesn't look like he's showered.
296
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:25,040
Why isn't she talking to me?
297
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:29,360
Vicky's just busy, OK? She's not
sure about this. She's doing
me a massive favour.
298
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:32,040
She'd just rather not talk to you,
OK? Vicky,
299
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,480
shall we go and get ready?
I suppose so.
300
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,280
You know where the bathroom is.
301
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:39,680
You'll find antibacterial
shower wash by the basin, OK?
302
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,680
'I will have had a threesome.
303
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,800
'I will have had a threesome.'
304
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,360
So, Jez!
305
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,880
A threesome! That'll be nice.
306
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,440
My friend Jen did a threesome once.
She cried for an hour afterwards,
307
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,840
but I'd still like to try it
sometime.
308
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,920
Yeah, right.
309
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:59,440
Suze, you don't want to go
back out with me, do you?
310
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,480
Oh, Jez.
311
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:06,480
You're such a nice guy. But I
think maybe it wasn't meant to be.
312
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:09,320
Jez, we're ready! Listen, you can
skip the shower.
313
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:13,720
Just use a flannel! Vicky
doesn't want to miss her train!
314
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:17,760
'This is great. I'm having it large.
It's like I'm living in a porno -
315
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,800
'except porn stars probably get
lovely sedatives
316
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:23,520
'so they feel like
they're not really there.
317
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,600
'Lovely sedatives...'
318
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:38,520
That wasn't depressing,
that was great.
319
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:42,440
Big Suze out of my life forever.
So what? I'm getting threesomes.
320
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,960
Why have I never thought about
drinking in the day before?
321
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,320
What's more fun than a
couple of nice, cold beerskis?
322
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:51,200
What's depressing about that?
Nothing.
323
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:54,600
You can't be depressed when
you're pissed, it's not possible.
324
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:58,920
'Jeremy, I've got a lead. This
kid says he can get my phone back.
325
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:02,120
'I've got to meet him at
Chicken Corner. I need back-up.'
326
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,520
'I'm on it.'
Jez, where are you?
327
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:05,920
I'm at the supermarket.
328
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,720
'Are you drunk?'
329
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,560
Yep. I'm doing the big shop
and I'm doing it brilliantly.
330
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:15,480
You're not just buying chocolate,
crisps and booze, are you?
331
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:16,720
No.
332
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,880
I also have dips.
I'll say I ate the dips.
333
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,680
I just hope the drinking,
it hasn't become a problem.
334
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,160
'Course not!'
335
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,080
Shut up! Don't knock the drinking.
336
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:29,040
It was while I was drinking I
came up with my plan about Stu.
337
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,280
What's your plan?
I'm going to hit him.
338
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,680
That's not really a plan as such.
339
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,320
Of course it's a plan.
It's a fucking brilliant plan!
340
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:39,640
I plan to hit him.
What isn't a plan about that?
341
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,760
Look, I'll see you in a bit.
342
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,880
'I must look so cool to her.
343
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,760
'Like Pete Doherty, or Bukowski.
344
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:51,040
'Yeah, that's right, honey,
I'm a street-fighting man.
345
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,600
'God, she's probably getting
wet just looking at me.'
346
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:57,920
Hold your horses, honey, I've
got coupons for the Pringles.
347
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,960
So, thanks for coming.
348
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,320
I mean, obviously your mate,
349
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,120
I don't approve of what he's done,
350
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,840
but there's no
reason why we can't be civil.
351
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,480
Yeah, sure.
352
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:17,320
So, what I'm after...
353
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:20,760
What I'm DEMANDING
is my Blackberry back.
354
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,760
I might be able to help you.
355
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:27,680
That would be fantastic, cos
it actually belongs to my office.
356
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,720
It's going to cost you 50 quid.
357
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,880
No. See you later.
358
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,400
Yes.
359
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,240
All right, cool.
360
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:40,200
I mean, I think...
361
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,080
I have to say, this is a bit rich,
362
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:45,640
but I guess maybe there's certain
administrative costs
363
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,480
for you to bear.
364
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,640
That's 60, it's gone up
to 60 now, mate.
365
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,880
Really?
Yep.
366
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:58,040
Cos obviously this
dynamic could go on indefinitely.
367
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:01,400
Is 60... Will that really be it?
368
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:03,080
Definitely.
369
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:10,760
Cheers. One more thing, would you ask
for it again, but in a lady's voice?
370
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,760
I'm sorry?
371
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,320
Ask for your Blackberry like a lady.
372
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:20,240
No, I really...
OK, mate.
373
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:23,440
HIGH-Can I have my
Blackberry back? Please.
374
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,840
HIGH-Can I have my
Blackberry back, please?
375
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,920
Listen, I'll call you
when I've got it, yeah?
376
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,960
But he hasn't got my...
377
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:34,160
Oh, no, of course. He'll have my
number from when I called him.
378
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,840
HIGH-Yes, and he'll
definitely be calling
379
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,280
'Yeah, come on, Stu, you stupid monk!
380
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:46,080
'Come on, buddy, I watched you go in.
You've got to come out.
381
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:49,960
'They don't have beds in churches,
I don't think.
382
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,800
'Do they?
Maybe they do for the vicars...'
383
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,400
Jeremy? Shit, man, are you OK?
384
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,040
Yeah, I'm fine.
385
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:58,360
'Probably missed the
moment to smack him now.'
386
00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,600
How are you?
387
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:04,520
Do you want to...? I'm just
heading back in for evensong.
388
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,560
Are you OK, mate?
389
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,280
You look like you could do with a...
390
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,040
Yeah, that might be nice, actually.
391
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:18,920
'Oh, the hug,
I'm finally getting the hug.
392
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,400
'He smells good. Those big arms.
393
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,640
'I just feel so safe.'
394
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:33,680
'Oh, Jesus. I've got to get a
hard-on soon or we're finished.
395
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:37,440
'Maybe I was too quick to
delete those spam e-mails
396
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,640
'about erection enhancement.
397
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,000
'One of them might just be from a
misunderstood scientific genius.
398
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,960
'Oh, my... Is that...?
399
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,000
'Is it? God, it is! It's him!
400
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:51,720
'The bloody mugger! Should I...run?
401
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:55,360
'Can't run, must
maintain social veneer.
402
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,160
'Oh, God, please don't hit me!
Please don't hit me, not here!'
403
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,920
Do I know you?
What? Me?
404
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,920
No, no, I don't think so.
405
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,160
I'm sure I know you from somewhere.
406
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,120
I don't think so.
407
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:13,400
You're probably thinking I look a
bit like one of the Shadow Cabinet.
408
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,640
Didn't you give me a driving
lesson when Carl was in the Canaries?
409
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:20,440
No, definitely not.
"Not I," said the walrus.
410
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:27,080
I'm surprised he's even taken
his test. He doesn't look 17.
411
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:31,120
'She must never know
what a pathetic man I am.
412
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:32,920
'Never!'
413
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:39,080
'I like it here.
It feels calm, almost spiritual.
414
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:40,920
'I feel...different.'
415
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,640
This is a good song.
416
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:46,440
Yeah. Suze come down to
check it out, actually.
417
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:48,920
Hi, Jez. Isn't it nice down here?
418
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,360
Look at all these
lovely, normal people.
419
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:55,160
'Oh, she's beautiful. Like an angel.
420
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:58,160
'Oh, right, I get it.
421
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,880
'It's a big love club down
the church, but I'm not invited.
422
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,240
'The only clubs I'm invited to
are sex parties
423
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,280
'and Friends Reunited dos at
TGI Fridays.
424
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,000
'Well, fuck you!'
425
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,000
Ow!
426
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:12,680
That's right. God didn't
protect you from my big fist.
427
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,400
Yeah, you big lump of monk!
428
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,320
'What kind of person am I?
429
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:22,000
'Sitting watching a film in the
company of a man who robbed me.
430
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,920
'If Dad knew he'd call me a
big Jessie in his
431
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,800
'extremely unfunny gay voice.'
432
00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:28,840
I wish that guy in the baseball
cap would shut up.
433
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,080
It's annoying, isn't it?
434
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:35,320
'Am I going to sit here and have
my evening ruined by some arsehole?
435
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:37,840
'Just like when I put my parka on
backwards for a joke
436
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:41,280
'and Terence Woo taped the hood
over my face and everyone laughed.
437
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,600
'Well,
I'm not going to take it any more!
438
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:45,600
'I'm not going to
fucking take it any more!'
439
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,040
What the f...?
440
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:51,920
Maybe that'll teach you not to
rustle your bloody popcorn!
441
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:56,440
He was really rustling.
That's unacceptable.
442
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,800
I can't believe you did that!
It was only the trailers!
443
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:04,560
I just love those Orange ads!
444
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:06,680
I didn't expect that
sort of thing from you.
445
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,320
I guess sometimes
people can surprise you.
446
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:10,640
You really whacked him.
447
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:13,880
'God, she loves violence!
448
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,280
'They probably all do really.
449
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,840
'They say they want you to
talk about your feelings,
450
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:22,280
'but really they just want you
to beat and gouge your rivals.
451
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:24,440
'Hey, there's the stirring!
452
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,440
'The unstoppable rise.
453
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,800
'It's like globalisation -
it's inevitable.
454
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:30,520
'Hark at its stately progress.
455
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:33,160
'This is it, the eagle has landed!'
456
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,640
Mark, what's that in your pocket?
457
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:38,800
Captain Corrigan ready to
receive his orders, sir.
458
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,400
No, not that. The other thing.
459
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,600
Oh, that.
That's just a little friend
460
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:45,120
of mine called Mr Cutty Knife,
461
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:49,080
in case I have to chop
down a rival alpha male.
462
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:52,200
Mark, you carry a knife.
What the fuck?!
463
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:55,360
'Oh, right. So they like hitting,
but there's a massive taboo
464
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,040
'about stabbing.'
465
00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:02,880
No, it's not a knife, really,
it's for horses' hooves, whittling.
466
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,280
Look, all right.
467
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:08,720
It's just I'd like to learn
kick boxing to protect myself,
468
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:10,720
I just don't have the time.
469
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:16,080
So basically, what this is, is a
rather efficient time-saving device.
470
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,800
'Good old Michelle.
Cold, but comforting.
471
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:23,640
'Kind of like a friendly Dalek.'
472
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:27,520
That guy's got a problem. He's like
some kind of David Koresh,
473
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:31,200
Archbishop Tutu-style
religious maniac.
474
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,320
Right, you're all done.
475
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:36,640
OK, ready for some dirty playtime?
476
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,000
Carry on the sex odyssey?
477
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:40,920
But we've already done that.
478
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,560
Oh, we did yours, Jez.
Now it's time for mine.
479
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,400
'Oh, God, no!'
480
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:49,120
I don't feel very well,
can't we do it some other time?
481
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,200
Jez, we had a deal.
482
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:57,400
But I really...
I really don't think I want to.
483
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,320
Me think the lady
doth protest too much.
484
00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:02,760
'It was a sort of deal, I suppose.
485
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:05,760
'Don't want to get a
reputation as a deal-welcher,
486
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:07,640
'might stop me getting a mortgage.
487
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:12,160
'Maybe it'll be better
if I imagine it's Stu.
488
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,760
'Yeah, just imagine it's lovely Stu.'
489
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:27,120
Everybody's coming to get me
490
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:33,800
with the moles
38498
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