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1
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'Contains strong language
from the outset.'
2
00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:26,040
It's beautiful, isn't it?
3
00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:28,040
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
4
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,360
Yeah.
5
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'This is bad. The canal – perfect
venue for the emotional bump-off.'
6
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,040
'If I scream,
there's no-one to hear.'
7
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:44,320
'At least she's confident
I'm not a potential murderer.'
8
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,320
Listen, Jez, honey, I...
9
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:48,280
I need to talk to you
about something. About us.
10
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'Here it comes.
No blubbing, no garment rending.'
11
00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:55,240
Yeah?
12
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:55,240
Jez, I've got a biggie to ask you.
13
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Would you consider marrying me?
14
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,640
Yes!
15
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:03,960
Obviously
it wouldn't be a real wedding.
16
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:03,960
No? Oh, right.
17
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:07,040
Well, in that case...
18
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,040
yes!
19
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,440
See, my visa's run out
and the Home Office called.
20
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:16,240
I know a coupla gay guys
who would be up for it but...
21
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:16,240
Oh, Nancy, don't marry those gays.
Marry me.
22
00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:22,400
Honey, you understand this would
just be an administrative procedure?
23
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,400
Exactly.
24
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:27,880
The happiest administrative
procedure of our lives.
25
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,880
Hey, I'm home.
26
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,880
I've got Gladiator on DVD.
27
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:34,400
There's an outtake where this extra
gets piked and you can see...
28
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:41,960
Jez, you're cleaning the bathroom.
29
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:41,960
That's right, my friend.
30
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'Why?! Sex slavery?
Murder clear-up?'
31
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:45,840
See, if it's all right with you,
Nancy's moving in.
32
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She is?
33
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:50,440
Mm. As a precursor
to us getting married. On Friday.
34
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:56,360
You're getting married?!
35
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:56,360
That's right.
36
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,360
Why?
37
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,360
Well, because we love each other.
38
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Also for visa reasons.
39
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:03,000
What do you want me to do
with your toilet books?
40
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,000
Don't you think...
41
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,960
Nancy, isn't she using you... a bit?
42
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,960
Oh, OK, great. Thanks
for your show of support, mate
43
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:15,560
I was gonna ask you to be best man
but maybe I should ask Super Hans.
44
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:19,600
Well, sure, if that's the way
you feel, maybe you should.
45
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:25,960
You're just jealous because
you want to get married to Sophie.
46
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:25,960
Jeremy, I'm totally over Sophie.
47
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:32,200
Sure. I suppose that's why you
wrote her name on every single egg
under the Word Bird.
48
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:40,400
So, Super Hans,
what've you been up to?
49
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,560
Long weekend looking into the mirror
50
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,560
Bit of soul-searching, was it?
51
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,560
Cocaine, Mark, cocaine.
52
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:51,280
Fancy a go on the quizzie? Shit some
data out of that bunged-up brainbox?
53
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:56,520
I'll do the buttons,
you do the answers.
54
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,520
I wanted to talk about Nancy.
55
00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:00,640
Yoko? Hello, marriage,
goodbye, recording contract.
56
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:06,360
So you agree it's a terrible...
57
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:06,360
Capital of Indonesia?
58
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,360
Er, Jakarta.
59
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:10,760
Correct. She's got trouble written
through her like a stick of rock.
60
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:14,800
So I thought maybe you could tell him
you got off with her.
61
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:19,160
Fucking hell, that's a bit strong.
Where might you find a dipthong?
62
00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:24,600
It's an element of speech.
63
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:24,600
Where might you find one?
64
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,600
In a word.
65
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,600
Good boy. Why don't you do it?
66
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:27,320
He'd never believe it, whereas you...
67
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:34,960
You're right, much more believable.
Jamie Lee Curtis, born
a hermaphrodite – true or false?
68
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,960
Urban myth.
69
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:40,760
I don't wanna come out fighting
with just my cock in my hand.
Are you gonna back me up?
70
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This is for the jackpot.
71
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:45,280
Of course I'll back you up.
72
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:45,280
What kind of animal
was Rikki Tikki Tavi?
73
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A mongoose.
74
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Piss off, he's a little rat.
75
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,800
He was a mongoose.
76
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Rat! Mongoose!
77
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:59,160
See, told you.
78
00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:59,160
COINS CLINK
79
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:59,160
But I was in charge of the buttons.
I drew a line. You crossed that line
80
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,480
I don't know if you can be trusted
in a combat situation.
81
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:12,360
Thanks for sorting me out, Toni.
You would not believe how hard
it is to get into architecting.
82
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,960
It's practically a closed shop.
83
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:18,720
Oh, I love this!
84
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:26,280
Yeah, well, I'll take
all the phone monkeys I can wrangle.
85
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:26,280
Yeah. It's great though –
my own phone, my own space.
86
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,480
Might move that to there.
87
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,280
Me, bringing home the bacon
for my fiancee.
88
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:37,640
How is the Yank? She started
spanking your plank again?
89
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,640
That's not terribly important, Toni.
90
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:43,320
You see, we're very much in love.
91
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:43,320
Jez, I've seen Love Story.
I know how it ends, yeah?
92
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:45,920
Here's a clue – somebody dies.
93
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:51,520
You wanted to meet! You really
meant it about being friends?
94
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:57,840
Of course I meant it.
How've you been?
95
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:57,840
Fine, fine. The human being's
basic needs are simple –
96
00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:01,440
food, liquid,
and the regular release of fluids.
97
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:09,400
Nice. And how's your love life?
98
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:09,400
"Love life" may be a grandiose term
for staring at women on the bus.
99
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,400
You need to find someone you like.
100
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,240
Oh, what about her, I know her.
101
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:15,400
Hi, Karen.
102
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Sophie, be quiet!
103
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:20,760
You like her.
104
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I don't necessarily like her.
105
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,760
Tell her you like her hair.
106
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:26,520
You do realise it's me you're
talking to, not an Italian builder?
107
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:26,520
OK, I'll talk to her for you.
108
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Sophie, no! No, Sophie, no, don't!
109
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'Oh, God, this is terrible.'
110
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:37,480
'Maybe it'll go really well and I'll
have a double wedding with Jeremy.'
111
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,480
'Oh, no, she's coming.'
112
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,920
'Must... think... words,
funny words.'
113
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,960
Hi there.
114
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,960
Hi, hi.
115
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,760
Say, isn't it funny,
all the... coffee?
116
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What's with all the coffee? I'm just
gonna go over to my stupid friend
117
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,120
and grrr, give her a good shake.
118
00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:03,440
But if you ever want to call me
about anything, then I'm in the book.
119
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:07,280
Mark Corrigan.
120
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,280
'Too formal. Lighten things up.'
121
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,200
'Light, not slimy!'
122
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,800
'Ohh, can't retract the wink.'
123
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,840
'Unless...'
124
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,480
See you.
125
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:22,360
'Brilliant, the twitching freak.
Works every time.'
126
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:27,960
Who needs to go off to Amsterdam
paintballing in a go-kart?
127
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:33,840
That is such bullshit.
128
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:33,840
No danger! It's just a load of
old mates in the boozer loving it.
129
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,520
Hans, is it perhaps time
we had a word with Jeremy?
130
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,920
Oh, yeah. Jez, listen...
131
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,400
Oi, oi, tequila slammers!
132
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,400
Three, two, one, liftoff.
133
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:53,120
Mate, aren't you gonna slam?
134
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:53,120
I don't drink, it's a Buddhist thing.
135
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,320
What's his name again?
136
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,320
Sam, mate of Darren's.
137
00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:01,400
Come on, it's a stag night.
You gotta slam. Slam, slam!
138
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:05,640
Slam, slam, slam, slam, slam!
139
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,680
GLASS SHATTERS
140
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:15,360
Ouch. I'm thinking
maybe Buddha wasn't too pleased.
141
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:24,560
When are you gonna say something,
Super Hans?
142
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,560
I'm having second thoughts.
He seems happy.
143
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:27,680
Come on, you said it. She's Yoko.
144
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:32,200
Wahey, guys! Sam's gonna be out
in an hour or two so...
145
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:36,160
Night to remember or what?
146
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,160
Yeah.
147
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:41,760
Jez, there's something I need to
tell ya that I didn't wanna tell ya.
148
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,280
Yeah?
149
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,280
Yeah, it's about Nancy.
150
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,520
I know you two aren't doing it,
151
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:50,520
and it must've got to her cos...
152
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,040
the other day,
153
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,040
she sucked me off...
154
00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,280
while I was having a widdle.
155
00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:58,960
What?
156
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:03,640
Yeah. Not just as, obviously,
but, er, right after.
157
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:08,920
I didn't want to – she's into that
stuff. It was pretty disgusting.
158
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:13,760
I don't believe you.
159
00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:13,760
Seriously. I wouldn't lie about it.
160
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,360
Anyway, Mark saw the whole thing.
161
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:25,480
Mark?
162
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:25,480
Yup. I wouldn't've believed it but
I saw the whole darn shooting match.
163
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,960
Really?
164
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,960
'Fraid so. Definitely.
165
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:35,720
Fuck, I can't believe
she'd do something like that.
166
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,720
Jez, cheer up, you'll get over her.
167
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:39,920
How could she do something
like that to me? Oh, God.
168
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,280
I love her.
169
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,280
I really love her.
170
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,600
What am I gonna do?
171
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:54,240
You'll have forgotten her in a week.
You know what you're like, you idiot.
172
00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,080
Everything's turned from gold
173
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,360
into shit.
174
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:07,560
>
175
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,640
<
176
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,240
Jez?
177
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,240
Yeah?
178
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,360
It-It was...
179
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,800
a joke.
180
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,400
A joke?
181
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,600
Yeah, we... we were joking.
182
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:32,400
She didn't suck his widdle.
It was a put-on.
183
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,920
Yeah. We stagged ya.
184
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,040
Good and proper.
185
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,040
Oh, right.
186
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:44,360
Brilliant.
Yeah, you fucking... guys.
187
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:50,800
You got me all right.
188
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:50,800
Yeah... Brilliant.
189
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,520
'There he goes, dead man walking.'
190
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,120
'I tried, I failed.'
191
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:06,880
'Got to let him make his own mistakes
like Dad did with me and a Strimmer.'
192
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:13,560
She looks lovely, doesn't she?
193
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:13,560
Yeah.
194
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:13,560
Jesus, I didn't realise this was
the Nancy Appreciation Society.
195
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:21,000
Tony, if you'd like to bang her,
why don't you just say it?
196
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:21,000
OK. I would like to bang her.
197
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:27,880
Hi, we're here to get married.
198
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,880
Just one thing before we start.
199
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:33,040
To be different, when I'm meant
to say "I do," I want to say "Do I!"
200
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:37,760
I'm sorry?
201
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:37,760
You know, "Do I!" as in "Do I ever!"
202
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:42,840
You should've spoken to someone
about this before.
203
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,840
No, but "Do I" as in "Do I!!!"
204
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:48,240
I'm sorry, he's just excited. We're
both so happy to be getting married.
205
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,280
'Where's Sophie?
She said she'd be here.'
206
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,760
'Don't get hung up, Mark.
It's over. Case closed.'
207
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:56,920
Do you take Nancy as your wife
208
00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,520
and promise to walk by her side
forever
209
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:04,360
as her best friend,
her lover and her soul mate?
210
00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:09,680
Do I!
211
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,680
Say "I do."
212
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:09,680
I do.
213
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,160
It was a lovely service, wasn't it?
214
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,800
I know some people
go for that country church vibe,
215
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:22,960
but we were "Who's this wedding for,
us or the tourist board?"
216
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:27,400
Hey, Nance. You've met Auntie Helen.
217
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,400
Hi. Jez, I've got great news.
218
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:32,440
Oh, brilliant, what?
219
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:32,440
The health club called –
the receptionist job?
220
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:37,600
I'm underqualified but if I make it
there by four they'll consider me.
221
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,600
Oh, OK.
222
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,640
You're not going?
223
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:43,040
No, obviously, yeah, you must go.
224
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:47,760
See you later, Jez.
225
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,760
See you later, Mrs Osborne.
226
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,960
Health club interview.
It's a biggie.
227
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,320
Really hope she gets it.
228
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:58,920
Anyway,... on with the wedding.
229
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:13,000
Jez, you all right?
230
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:13,000
Super Hans has taken four grams
of coke to relax him for his speech.
231
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:13,000
It didn't relax him?
232
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,560
Everything's fucked.
233
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,560
Calm down, it's gonna be OK.
234
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:26,960
Maybe you were right, Mark. This
wedding's all wrong. It's against
God and man and the rule of law.
235
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,400
Listen, it's your special day,
236
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:36,320
and even if I have to die of anxiety
making an off-the-cuff speech,
we're gonna keep it special.
237
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,280
TAPS GLASS WITH SPOON
238
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,160
So,... ladies and gentlemen,
239
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:50,840
you'll forgive me,
I haven't prepared a proper speech,
240
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:56,120
but then perhaps that's appropriate,
since this isn't a proper wedding.
241
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,360
Or so the cynics may say.
242
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,880
But I say to those cynics
243
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,320
"Listen, cynics,
this is the modern world,
244
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:09,080
and just because it's new and strange
and unnerving
245
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,120
doesn't mean it's not brilliant."
246
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,840
In Ancient Rome, they had Cupid.
247
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,320
In modern days, it's the Home Office.
248
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,640
Love is blind.
249
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,480
That's not a joke
about David Blunkett.
250
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:31,560
LAUGHTER
251
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,560
No, seriously,
I would never make that joke.
252
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,880
So I say to Jeremy and...
Where's Nancy?
253
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:39,280
Job interview, health club.
It's a biggie.
254
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,520
Oh. OK.
255
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:45,560
I say to Nancy
"Good luck with the interview"
256
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,840
and I say to Jeremy
257
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,200
"Good luck with the marriage."
258
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:55,600
And I think the rest of us can unite
in saying "Two fingers to the cynics"
259
00:13:55,600 --> 00:14:00,240
and raising our glasses...
to true love.
260
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,440
True love.
261
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,840
And this first number
is for Jez and Nancy.
262
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:16,040
I shouldn't have to be a machine
in bed just because I meditate.
263
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:19,440
Hey, Mark, how's it going?
264
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,440
Hey, Karen, good. And you?
265
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,960
Good, thanks.
266
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,960
It was good to see you in Gino's.
267
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,200
Got over the twitch, by the way.
268
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:30,800
Next time I have acupuncture I'll
get someone else to do it for me.
269
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,800
'Look at me go, I'm charming!'
270
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,800
So sorry if I was acting a bit weird.
271
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:38,000
I just wanted to see
if you wanted to hang out sometime.
272
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:44,440
That sounds nice.
273
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:44,440
'I'm a natural! Maybe I should try it
on someone better looking.'
274
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,440
Hey.
275
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,640
Sophie!
276
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:47,640
Sorry I'm late.
277
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:52,200
Are you all right?
278
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:52,200
Yeah, I'm fine.
Just been breaking up with Jeff.
279
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:57,320
Oh, God, Soph, really?
280
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:57,320
Yeah.
It's all actually finally over.
281
00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:00,080
Oh, Soph, I'm sorry, that's terrible.
282
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,480
'That wasn't convincing.'
283
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,480
It's probably for the best.
284
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:07,000
Anyway, let's get pissed.
Bollocks to love!
285
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,800
Bollocks to love!
286
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,800
'Oh, God, I love you so much.'
287
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:16,200
So, you two are getting on well.
288
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:16,200
Yeah, we just arranged to go out.
289
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,600
Oh, right, great.
290
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:25,680
But why don't you come too, Soph?
291
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:25,680
With the both of you?
292
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:25,680
No, no, obviously,
come along with... Sam!
293
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:31,160
This is Sam.
294
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:31,160
Hi.
295
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:31,160
You two have loads in common.
Sam's a single Buddhist.
296
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:37,320
Just as long as you know
I'm not a Tantric superman.
297
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,320
OK, why the hell not?
298
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:44,040
< Oh, this will be fun.
299
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:44,040
'She's only been single
for a few minutes but already
you've found her a new boyfriend.'
300
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,360
'Nice work, Mr Fucking Stupid.'
301
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:51,840
Hey, guys? What about
if we move this chair from here
302
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,440
over to here?
303
00:15:54,680 --> 00:16:01,640
That would be nice, wouldn't it?
304
00:15:56,440 --> 00:16:01,640
Mark, what do you think? My wife
was saying maybe move that to there.
305
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,640
Sure, whatever.
306
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:06,400
Yeah, great one, Nance, brilliant.
307
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:19,120
Nancy, it's nice, your dooby-dooing,
but could you wait till this ends?
308
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,920
Do I dooby-doo? I didn't think I did
309
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:27,680
You do.
310
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:27,680
Really?
311
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:27,680
You do. You were dooby-doing
all over the place.
312
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,480
If you think I was, I'll stop.
313
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:35,560
She definitely was.
314
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,560
I know. We know.
315
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,560
It's OK. We know.
316
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:46,960
So how do you feel it's going, Jez?
What do you make of media sales?
317
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,720
I feel like every day
quite a big part of me dies
318
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:52,320
forever.
319
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:55,480
Yeah.
Still, welcome to the real world.
320
00:16:55,480 --> 00:17:00,040
Yeah. You keep saying that.
321
00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:00,040
So, er,... how's the marriage?
322
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,480
Oh, good. Pretty good.
323
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:06,880
You don't sound 110% there.
324
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,880
No, no, it's brilliant.
325
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,280
Obviously there are sometimes...
niggles.
326
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:17,040
Niggles? That doesn't sound good.
327
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:17,040
It's all about compromise.
328
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,040
Compromise, niggles? Jesus, Jez.
329
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:22,320
You don't think... Isn't it normal
for there to be little differences?
330
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:28,040
No. What sort of things
are niggling?
331
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:28,040
Stupid stuff. What DVDs we watch.
332
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:33,200
Oh, stupid stuff like what you do
with your free time. Your life!
333
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:37,240
Sounds like you're in a hellhole.
334
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,240
It's true, it is kind of annoying.
335
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:42,280
Last night we had to watch a whole
load of Robin Williams' movies.
336
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,280
Oh, Robin Williams? That sap?
337
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,720
She likes him? That is so sappy.
338
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:50,840
The guy is a stupid little...
gherkin
339
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:56,240
and so's anyone who likes him.
340
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:56,240
Yeah. He is a bit like a gherkin.
341
00:17:56,440 --> 00:18:00,400
You know what you should do?
342
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,400
Get some Jim Carrey DVDs?
343
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,440
Have an affair.
344
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:06,000
What?!
345
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,000
Come on! Welcome to the real world.
346
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:11,560
Can you please stop doing that?
347
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,560
You think people don't have affairs?
Everyone does.
348
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,960
Mummy, Daddy, me, you,...
John Major.
349
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:20,240
No, but...
350
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:20,240
Oh, affairs are great.
They're simple and no-one gets hurt.
351
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:25,280
They're simple?
352
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,280
Sure! As simple as me
closing the door.
353
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:29,280
And then putting my hand
down your trousers.
354
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:39,880
And I was like "You don't have
to be enlightened to work here
but it helps."
355
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,640
'Sophie's eating up
his whole Buddhist schtick.'
356
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:47,360
'Got to stick it out.
Keep being charming to Sophie,
357
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:51,080
cold to Karen,
without breaking social convention.'
358
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:55,840
DOOR OPENS
359
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,840
Who's that?
360
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,840
Hello? Jeff?
361
00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:01,240
'Oh, Jesus, don't kill me,
I'm not her date. Kill him.'
362
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:08,600
'Actually, that'd be perfect.'
363
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:08,600
You moved on pretty fucking quick.
364
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:08,600
Now's not the time to talk about it.
365
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,600
I've just come to pick up some stuff
366
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:15,000
Don't mind me.
367
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:15,000
'Yeah, right, don't mind the maniac!
How are we supposed to not mind him?'
368
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,320
So, er... old question,
369
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,120
but John or Paul, who was the best?
370
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:23,600
Paul, obviously,
but for the sake of argument.
371
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:29,560
That's mine, pal.
372
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:29,560
'Shit. This is just not normal.
Someone's gotta do something.'
373
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:34,240
'He's gonna do nothing, like
Jeff's the invading Chinese army,
374
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,000
they're... women, that old get-out.'
375
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,400
'Oh, God, it's gotta be me.'
376
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:41,800
Listen, Jeff,
377
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:46,320
I, er,... I think, you know,
it's time you left.
378
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,080
Oh, really?
379
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:55,560
And what are you gonna
do about it exactly?
380
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:55,560
What am I gonna do?
381
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,560
'What am I gonna do?!'
382
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,920
Nothing,... except stand here
like a civilised man
383
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:04,160
and wait for you to do
the civilised thing and leave.
384
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:14,560
Yeah, well, I'll just be getting
some CDs out the bedroom.
385
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:18,440
'Brilliant. Probably looks
like I was ready to punch him
386
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:23,040
when actually I was gonna use
the Buddhist as a human shield.'
387
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:31,080
Wow, Nance, this is amazing.
388
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:31,080
You've been so sweet putting up
with me and my dumb sappy movies.
389
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:36,200
Mom called. She's so pissed we got
married I thought she was gonna shit
390
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:40,920
Oh.
391
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,920
But, um... it kinda got me thinking.
392
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:45,400
I mean, although this
obviously isn't a real marriage,
393
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,200
it still is a marriage, obviously.
394
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:53,160
I mean, legally, and therefore
probably in the eyes of God.
395
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:58,560
But I thought you thought it was
just a stupid piece of paper.
396
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:58,560
It is, but a potentially holy one.
397
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:03,920
Anyway, I got thinking that those
feelings about guilt around sex,
398
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:09,200
maybe they won't be such a problem
any more.
399
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,200
You mean we might start to...
400
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:14,000
'Fuck niggles, she's the most
beautiful woman I've ever seen.'
401
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,400
'Oh, God, why did I... with Toni?'
402
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,800
'Try and forget. Mash will help.'
403
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,520
'Mash will clog up my brain
and make everything OK.'
404
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:28,240
Oh! You are gonna pay for that!
405
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:28,240
En garde, monsieur.
406
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:28,240
PHONE BEEPS
407
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,760
'Toni, shit, gotta deal with Toni.'
408
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,560
Um, Nance, I'm really sorry
but I've got to go.
409
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,560
Oh. OK.
410
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:41,280
Super Hans is thinking about
going back on the crack.
411
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:46,360
I'll get him a Scotch egg. That
will usually take his mind off it.
412
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,200
Look, Toni, this is...
413
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,720
wrong.
414
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,720
Why?
415
00:21:55,160 --> 00:22:01,440
Won't Tony be back soon?
416
00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:01,440
Tony's never coming back.
417
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,440
What?
418
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:01,440
Tony ran for the hills.
419
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:05,960
He's at home in Lincoln getting
his tummy rubbed by lovely Mummy.
420
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,960
Shit.
421
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:10,440
But me and Nancy, we're married,
and...
422
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,440
Mm. What about me, Jeremy?
423
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,040
Where's my lollipop?
424
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:16,320
Why should I have
to go without a husband?
425
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:20,080
Where's my piece of pie?
The farmer wants a wife, Jeremy.
426
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:27,160
PHONE RINGS
427
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:27,160
Don't answer it.
428
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:27,160
But it's Nancy.
429
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,160
Do you want me to have a chat to her
430
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,160
about you and your cock?
431
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,880
God, what a weird one.
432
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,680
I know.
433
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:43,840
So what do you think to Karen?
434
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:43,840
Oh, she's nice.
435
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,840
Great.
436
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,840
Really nice.
437
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,200
She just... isn't...
438
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,640
Isn't what?
439
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,640
You.
440
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:12,800
'Public humiliation.
Welcome to my world, Jeff.'
441
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:17,800
'Although personally I wouldn't've
picked that dress to cry on.'
442
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,560
Hey, Jez. Hey, Nance.
443
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,200
Hey, Mark. Oh, there you go, hubby.
444
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,520
How'd it go tonight?
445
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,520
Ooh, pretty darn well!
446
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:39,040
Nearly, really nearly,
finally got it together with Soph.
447
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:39,040
Excellent.
448
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,520
Oh, yes!
Now it's coming together, my friend.
449
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:48,680
Look at you
with your beautiful American wife and
me with my lovely maybe girlfriend.
450
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:54,840
We should get a couple of tandems
and go to the Pyrenees
and pick grapes or some crazy thing.
451
00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:58,200
Oh, Jez,
could you sleep on the couch?
452
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,280
I'm on my way to see Metallica
453
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:06,000
and I've taken a coupla Es so I'm
gonna start feeling pretty horny
454
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:10,720
and if I meet somebody,
we'll wanna come back and bone.
455
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:12,720
So I'll need the bed.
456
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:16,120
Later.
457
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,120
See you later.
458
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,600
Oh, by the way, we need milk.
Later, Mark.
459
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,600
Er, OK, later.
460
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,920
'Metallica,... milk?'
461
00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:28,120
Is everything all right?
462
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,640
I had an affair with Toni by mistake
463
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,760
and Nancy found out
because I told her.
464
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:36,960
Why?
465
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,320
Because of stupid honesty.
466
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,360
And now we're going to stay married
467
00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:48,480
but apparently our relationship
is nothing more than a husk.
468
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,680
A husk?
469
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,880
That doesn't sound good.
470
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:57,640
Do you think maybe,
if I plead and plead and plead,
471
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:03,160
she'll forget all about it and
things will go back to like before?
472
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,920
Honestly?
473
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,240
Quite honestly,
474
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,240
not brutally honestly.
475
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:17,120
Then,... yeah, absolutely.
476
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:21,960
Cheers, mate.
477
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,960
No problem, mate.
478
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,480
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MEREDITH R D JONES
35506
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