All language subtitles for Peep.Show.S02E05.The.Man.Show.1080p.ALL4.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-AEK_track3_[eng]

Contains strong language
from the outset.

And I'm so hot

Soph, just heard. The Shapiro Finance
presentation's been cancelled.

Rod's hypoglycaemic again.

Oh, dear. Poor Rod.

Yeah, terrible.
On the bright side, free hour.

Want to see if Marketing have left
any biscuits in Meeting Room B?

Maybe. But I don't think it's a good
idea for us to hang out together.

Oh?

It's just... The thing is...
Geoff's asked... said, actually...

He thinks you and I should see less
of each other. He's old-fashioned.

Old-fashioned? What's next?
Put you in a chastity belt

and make you... drive around
in an old-fashioned car?

He's going to move in with me for
a couple of months, see if it helps.

Moving in won't help.
Give him space. That might help.

I'm really sorry, Mark.

PHONE RINGS

'I'm staring into the abyss.
I don't like the look of the abyss.'

He's right here. It's switchboard.
Urgent call for you.

Thanks.

'Maybe I can fill the abyss
with lots of urgent calls.'

When are you getting back from work?

6.30, like normal.
You said it was urgent, Jeremy.

We're supposed to be flatmates.
Nancy is in the States and Super
Hans is on the rig. I need a friend.

Jez, just relax.
Isn't Ready, Steady, Cook on?

Just finished. Green peppers won, as
usual. It's Nuremberg all over again

There's some chocolate in the fridge
under the egg tray. See you tonight.

'OK, going undercover.'

'Geoff's apparent mate, who would
never try to nick his bird from
under his stupid old-fashioned nose.'

'footballer
Darren Anderton. Figure of ridicule
due to repeated injuries.'

'Turkish shepherd,
ate his own testicles.
Ignore tragic earthquake context.'

'Ferrari Testarossa, fast car.
Obviously no need to note that.'

'Shit, I'm making too many notes!
Just imbibe the culture.'

'Yes, civilisation
is definitely doomed.'

Hey. What's with all the mags?

If you can't have sex with a monkey,
make friends with the organ grinder.

Right. You didn't try
to have sex with a monkey?

No. I'm going to the pub with Geoff.

With Geoff?

This is a special mission.

Mark, I'm bored, dangerously bored.

I considered doing that thing that
that MP and Michael Hutchence did.

Jez, don't do that. I won't be long.
Then we can talk about... stuff.

I don't want to talk.
I want to do things.

What sort of things?

Fun things, normal things. Archery,
badger-baiting. Whatever people do.

I'll be as quick as I can. If you do
that thing, don't do it in here – the
hook's practically out of the door.

Why the sudden urge
to join the pool league?

I didn't even know you played.

Oh, yeah. I play, all right.
Misspent youth. You know the score.

Right.

Plus I thought it would be good
to hang out a bit.

You're a bloke, I'm a bloke.
We're both bloody good blokes,

unlike that Turkish shepherd
who chewed off his own knackers.
Did you see that?

No, I don't think so.

Bloody shithead.

Yes! Mark the shark is in business!

You're stripes, Mark.

Oh, yes. Right.
You play that, do you? Of course.

So... FHM have only gone and done a
bloody sex issue. Did you see that?

Loads of birds, foil bag,
the whole caboodle.

Carmen Electra's in there.
I would seriously love
to really, really bang her.

Although, if it was a choice
between that or a drive in a Ferrari
Testarossa – phew, too close to call.

You've given up trying to hump Soph?

Pardon?

I said, you've given up...

Yes, I heard what you said.

Well, let's be honest.
I suppose the best man won.

Right.

This is fun. Isn't it?

Hey, Marky Mark.

Hey, Jez.

Thanks for the call. This beats
being home in the same old trousers.

That's Geoff's.

Geoff's?

He's in the bog.

It's going a bit terribly. But it's
important I make friends with him.

So I thought you're more
of a fun guy than me.

So I'm the fluffer?

No, it's not like that.
If I don't make friends with Geoff,

there's a chance I'll never speak
to Sophie properly ever again.

Oh, hi, Geoff. You remember Jeremy.

Nice to see you, mate.
Fantastic trainers.

Cheers, mate.

I got a pair. The straps go all
the way up, like a Roman sandal.

So, what now? A round of sambucas
and hit a club,

or just head back to ours
or Sophie's?

A mate just called. He has a poker
school. If you're interested in
losing a bit of money, we could go.

'Bonding with Geoff. I'm almost
there, Soph. Clear the runway.
I'm coming in to land.'

Mark.

Right. Sorry. 'I think
I've got a pretty good hand.'

'But there's always a chance someone
else might have a better one.'

'There's no way of knowing for sure.'

I fold.

'This is it. I have entered the
world of men. All I need is some
beef jerky and somewhere to spit.'

'So, what have I got?'

'All the reds. That looks amazing.'

I'm hot....

..like Pol Pot.

Squeeze me.

No. Too rich for my blood.

I'll stay, friend.

And I'll raise you...

..30.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I'll stay too... friend.

And when the going gets tough, you
need to roll out the big potatoes.

May I?

Er... Maybe.

Let's eat.

I'm out.

Red sky at night,
shepherd's delight.

Bollocks.

Nice bluffing, lad!

Yeah. 'I'm really good without
realising how. This is ideal.'

So we're all gonna be
great mates. We could
pile back to yours and Sophie's?

Bit late for you. What do you play?
Seven-card stud? Texas Holdem?

I just play the cards
as they're dealt, my friend.

Or stay here and play something else.

Should we go for a drink?

Yeah.

'It's a relief. Tell me your dreams,
memories and reflections, Geoff.'

'What a surprise – you haven't got
any because you're a gristle-head.'

'Cut out the middleman.' Hey, Soph.

Oh, hey, Mark.

I was talking to Alan
about Rod from Shapiro Finance.

We should do something for him.

Yeah.

Yeah, for diabetes. Give
something back to a top JLB client

and give a nasty, unglamorous illness
a kick in the pants at the same time.

I said I'd talk to you
about a sponsored something.

Sure. We could, but...

It is for charity, but I could
tell Alan you're not into it.

No. Sure, we could do
a sponsored something.

I could do a sponsored run.

You could do a sponsored history...
thing. Or dig. Or just reading.

If we do something together, it
would capture people's imagination.

Maybe... 'Maximum physical contact.
Potential horseplay.'

Swimming?

Mark, I don't think...

Let's brainstorm later. Sorry, Soph.

Jeremy, you can't just pop in cos
you're bored. I'll be home in an hour

Why don't you kill some time
at Caesar's World?

Actually, I've come to see Geoff.

I appreciate what you're doing, but
the Geoff project's been abandoned.

No, he asked if I fancied going
kickboxing and I thought, why not?

You're going out with him for fun?

Yeah. Geoff's a really good guy.

He doesn't complain
that the music's too loud in bars

or when you ask him for an
extra bag of nuts. He's a real man.

'Sponsored bungee. Three days to
organise, a lifetime to look back on
from our cottage in Dorset.'

Alan's gonna be so pleased with us.

Feel a bit safer strapped together?

Yeah. Sorry about the big panic.

'She bought it.
"Ooh, I'm so scared."'

I feel better doing a tandem jump.

'This is great. I think I prefer
this to sex. No responsibility.'

'I'm strapped on. If I get a bonk on,
I'll say it's a buckle.'

'Be too much to think about anyway,
what with falling towards the ground
with only a massive rubber band...'

'What the fuck am I doing?!
All my normal sensible cowardice
has been overriden by stupid love!'

Oh, God.

You all right, Mark?

Yes. No, I don't know.

What's the matter?

I think I'm actually very hungry.
Let's not jump and just have lunch.

I'm genuinely really, really hungry,
too hungry to jump!

Guys, you're on.

Relax. I'll be with you all the way.

I don't want to go. I need a sandwich

Looks like we got ourselves a Humpty

It's too late to back out.
Stay calm.

Humpty, cling on to your girlfriend.

I'm not his girlfriend.

Stop calling me Humpty!

Come on, Mark.

No, no! No! I'm hungry!

I'm too bloody hungry to jump!

But we're here now.

I'm starving! It's not fair.
You can't make a hungry man jump!

Do I just undo it?

No, you do not just undo that!

Thanks so much.
It all makes a difference.

I don't think
we should be doing this.

Why not? Who loses?

It feels dishonest.

Wake up. You think
no one mimed at Live Aid?
The ends always justify the means.

Doesn't it prick your conscience?

It was a long way down. Most people
would be scared to even go up there.

Most people wouldn't volunteer
for a charity bungee jump.

There's no need to go sarcastic.

I've got a plan. Trek the Andes.
I've got a mate and he did it.

Two weeks in Peru and we can
stick it to arthritis.

Listen. I know you're doing this
to spend time with me
and I appreciate it.

But there's Geoff. I don't think
we should see each other any more.

'I've entered the abyss. I've bought
a house in the abyss. I'm getting
my post forwarded to the abyss.'

I'm off to five-a-side with Geoff.
Can I take a couple of Garfields
as shinpa... Jesus Christ!

Jez, don't worry.
I'm not actually cutting myself.

I just need to convince Sophie I'm
desperate and I need some evidence.

That's why you're cutting yourself?

I'm not actually cutting myself.
It's for evidence.

Blood is coming out of your arm.
For fuck's sake, stop it!

Self-harm might be appealing.
She'll want to take care of me.

Let me finish the S.

There must be a better way to get
to Sophie. What about a poem?

Brilliant. Get a cup, we'll catch
the blood, and I'll write her a poem.

'OK, come on. You can do this.'

'Oh, shit. There he is.
Am I actually gonna do this?'

'I've done self-harm. Compared to
that, this is a walk in the park.'
Do it for Sophie.'

How's it going, Geoff?

Not bad. You?

Not bad.

Hey, look at that.

Mike's arse. Quite a nice arse
he's got on him, wouldn't you say?

You what?

I for one certainly wouldn't mind...
giving him one.

Are you trying to tell me
you've gone gay?

There's no need to spread it around.
But yes, those are the facts.

Sexuality is a broad spectrum and...

And you've moved into the gay bit.

That's right. I have gone somewhat,
in fact almost entirely, gay.

So... Colin from Human Resources –
would you... would you suck him off?

Yeah, well, now I've gone gay,

would it be all right if I came over
to see Sophie now and again?

I don't know. Ask her.
I'm not a prison warder.

What? But she said...
She said you'd said...

It's fine by me.

That's great, Geoff. Thanks a lot.

No worries.

Gay or not,
there's no threat from you, pal.

You could have your cock in her and
still not have the balls to fuck.

See you later.

Thanks.

See you later, Geoff.

'I'm experiencing humiliation.'

'Blood boiling, anger rising up,
ready to explode...'

'Then falling back in on myself in
a familiar shower of self-loathing.'

'Mmm. Warm copies
make everything better.'

BEEP

You sure this is OK?

It's fine.

All right, Jez.

Hi. Thought I'd pop over,
since that's cool.

Mark.

Soph, let's cook for these guys while
they're in the pub. I've got wine.

I don't know.

You were moaning about
getting left on your own again.

Right. Well, you should come in.

It's Ernest and Julio. Fictional,
obviously, but it gives a nice image.

So basically, man is programmed
to do two things – kill and knob.

In the Stone Age, you'd get up,
kill an antelope...

And knob the corpse.

No, Jez.

Aye-aye. A couple of high-street
honeys at three o'clock.

'God, this is so butch! If I was
with Mark we'd just be sitting in
the corner rating the alcopops.'

Right. Mine's the blonde.

What, really?
What about Nancy? Or Sophie?

Jez! We're not gonna do anything.
We're just going over.

""

How long is Das Boot, exactly?

Four and half solid
entertainment hours.

Soph, I was talking to Geoff
the other day

and it seems he doesn't mind
me being round here at all.

I don't want to go into that now.

Right. It's just you said...

Yeah. I thought it would be simpler
for us to keep a distance.

Right. Because of... feelings.

No, not because of feelings.
Just simplicity.

Right.

'Got my emotional meathook
in. Now time to waggle it around.'

I suppose I was kind of surprised
Geoff was cool about me coming over.

I mean, you and I have
a bit of history.

Yeah. Well, history's history.

But new volumes keep being published.

'That's not a saucy metaphor.'

I mean, I might try some of my moves.

'My moves are nothing, are they?'

You ought to be careful wearing tops
like that. I am a man, after all.

Oh, are they in a submarine?

Yes, they're in a submarine.

All right? Sorry I'm a bit late.

Hi, Geoff.

Come on, gorgeous.
Let's get you to bed.

Geoff, we're watching a film.

Stupid video or comfy warm bed?

It's nearly finished anyway, right?

No, not really.

It's been pretty good. Good night.

Thanks for keeping her warm
for us, mate.

Sure. No problem.

You can... let yourself out, yeah?

'You're a bottler, Corrigan. You
couldn't bungee, you wouldn't lunge.'

'Maybe I'm too nice. I should have
tried, "Hey, baby, suck this."'

'No, it's not my style. Got to stick
to my own methods, my homespun charm.
I'd never be able to carry it off.'

Psst!

Geoff.

Got a mission for you. Need a few
rubber johnnies and I'm not dressed.

You want me to...
No, I don't think so, Geoff.

Do you have a problem with that?

Why would I have a problem? I'm just
a mate round seeing a couple of mates

'This is it. This is my lowest ever.'

'Wish I'd told him to fuck off except
then I'd never be allowed back.'

'Fetherlite. Don't want him
to enjoy it any more than necessary.'

'Ultra Strong.
Yeah, he won't feel a thing.
But then maybe he'll last longer.'

'Oh, Jesus. This is a minefield.
Serve him right if I prick them all
with pins and then...

..Sophie got pregnant
and he ended up getting married.
Got to think through these plans.'

'I'll go for these. Coloured. It'll
make him look faintly ridiculous.'

'I win...
in the most minor way possible.'

I was gonna twat this geezer and
it turns out they're both Polish.

"Twat a geezer"?

Were you playing the Lock, Stock
and Two Smoking Barrels video game?

It was brilliant. And then...
I can't really tell you.

Did Geoff fart in a pint?

No, much better than that.
But I can't tell you.

Go on. You can tell me.

No, I can't.

All right. If I tell you,
you have to promise not to tell
anyone. On your mum's life.

I promise on my mum's life.

OK. Basically, Geoff...
he... not really, but a bit...

..got off with this girl.

He...

Oh, my God!

I've hit the mother lode!
I've been waiting for this!
I can really fuck him with this!

No. I only told you for a laugh.
It's all a great big laugh.
You promised not to tell.

Hitler promised not
to invade Czechoslovakia.
Welcome to the real world.

What about your mum's life?

What about it?
What are you gonna do, kill her?

Please don't. Geoff's my mate.
We've got a bond.

Right. Who's your real best mate,
me or Geoff?

You don't have to ask that, Mark.
That's obvious.

'Didn't actually
have to say. Don't even have
to decide in my own head.'

'No, I don't think I'm going to.
My brain can't make me. So there.'

'Brilliant. This is brilliant.
Oh, life is sweet!'

Hi, there, Soph.

Hey, Mark.

Soph, listen. I've been turning
this over and over in my head

like a bloody horrible pancake.
I just don't know what to do.

What about?

There's something I need to tell you,
something I think I should tell you.

But it's just so damn hard.

Don't say anything you'll regret.
I'm with Geoff now.

That's the thing. That's what
this horrible decision relates to,

something that Geoff's done that
I'm not sure if I should tell you.

What are you talking about?

Oh, no, now I've said too much.
Damn. Damn these lips of mine.

Stop being weird
and tell me what Geoff's done.

It's not for me
to tell tales on a mate.

But just ask him, all right,
what happened in the pub
by the fruit machine

with a woman... and the lips.
I can't say anything else. I won't.

'I hope I wasn't too subtle.
That definitely wasn't too subtle.'

Has Geoff said anything about...

I don't wish to converse with you.

You're a promise-breaker
and a tom-tailed tit.

DOORBELL

Sophie!

Hi, Mark. Can I come in?

Of course. Soph, are you OK?

Yeah, fine...

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!

There, there, Soph. It's fine.
It's OK. Come through.

Come through with good old Mark.

'Her breast is just brushing
my side there.'

I shouldn't be here.
I don't know what I'm doing.

It's OK. I'll make us
a nice cup of tea.

It's my fault
for always picking wankers!

Does... Does he beat you, Soph?

God, no.
He broke a plate once but...

Does he come at you with a stick?

No, never. It's nothing like that.

He does beat you mentally.
And with his hands and fists.

No.

Hey, Soph. You OK?

Yeah, just getting my head together.

MOBILE RINGS

God, your head – is it OK?

Oh, hi, Geoff. You're downstairs?

Do I know where Soph is?

Uh... No. No, mate. No idea.

Right. OK.

Sorry about that, mate. Bye.

What... Why did you cough?

Because I've got a cough.

No, you haven't.

Yeah, I have. I'm phlegmy.

Bollocks! You gave him a signal!

Jesus! Can't I have a cough without
being taken to Guantanamo Bay?

Well, actually,
I'm trying to have a conversation.

It's all right, Mark.

Sounds like your relationship
was a prison

with one innocent prisoner, you,
and one guard, Geoff.

Well, it was
a passionate relationship.

That must be horrible.

BANGING ON DOOR, DOORBELL

That's Geoff.

How coincidental, Jeremy!
How very coincidental!

This could be a coincidence. Easily.

BANGING

Hello?

You're not wanted here, Geoff!

Shouldn't we just...

I need to see Soph!

Get away from the door
or I will give you the broom!

Mark, I need to see Sophie. >

I'm gonna give you the broom, Geoff!
I'm gonna broom you!

Don't worry, Soph.
I'm giving him the broom.

You can't broom him. He's my mate.
He's a solid gold mate.

How did Soph find out about
that girl in the pub, Jez?

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. >

Just let me in, mate. Please, Jez.

We hate you! You're a cocksucker!
Jez told me about your fling.

Your friendship's bullshit
and you're a fuckhead!

It isn't bullshit! Let him in! >

Let me in, Jez, please!

'Mark or Geoff? Geoff's normal. I
could make a new life. I could learn
to like football and learn his ways'

'I'd be in the mainstream instead
of being a freak in a weird puddle.'

Oh, fuck. I can't do it, Geoff.

You lose, Geoff! YOU LOSE!

How dangerous am I now, eh?!

Let him in, Mark.

Sophie, you don't need to do this.
There are places you can go.
Women's refuges.

Just open the door. We need to talk.

Geoff, I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean...

Brilliant. My mate and your woman
have just gone to fuck each other.

What are we gonna do? Go make a tent
in the living room and eat Dairylea?
Cos that's what's gonna happen.

with the moles, digging holes

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MIRIAM GREENBLUM