Original subtitles

Strong language from the outset.

God, you're great.

Thanks, Jazz. You're great, too.

Sometimes, I'd like to die and climb inside you.

OK.

'Was that too much? No. Go on, ask her.'

Nancy, I was wondering whether you'd consider being, maybe,

my proper, just-you-and-me, girlfriend.

Wow. Um... I don't know, I mean, that's really nice, Jeremy, but...

'There's always a "but".'

We're so different.

I've got my religion, my yogacize, my charity stuff.

I don't know where you'd fit in as a boyfriend.

I really like you and we have a great time together.

We do have a good time together but...

'The second "but".'

What about the other stuff?

Other stuff?

Look, obviously, God wanted us to enjoy ourselves.

That's why he invented pills, clubs, lube and hardcore.

He also wanted us to give something back.

That's why he created the homeless, lepers and oil spills.

'Suck up to God.'

Nancy, listen. The only reason that I don't go to church

is that, for me, everything's a church.

This room is my church.

The hall is my church.

Costcutters is

a bloody cathedral.

That's really nice, Jeremy.

It's just not true, is it?

'End of quarter sales push. Pulling an all-nighter.'

'One of The Few in my Spitfire...'

'Who am I kidding? I'd have crashed my training plane in the phoney war.'

'Uh-oh, bollocks! Giggling, sharing.'

'Shall I intervene? No.'

'It's fine. It's totally fine. Que sera sera.'

'Whatever will be, will be.'

'The future's not ours to see.'

'If she fucks him, I'll kill myself.'

All right there, mate?

Hi.

Hobnobs, thought you might like some, mate. All in it together, mate.

Right...

'Hope this works.'

Well, that's nice.

Want to come in?

'Mate! The magic code word. Instant rapport with taxi drivers, builders and garage men.'

Blimey, mate. Look at all these TVs.

You can see it all from in here.

Yup. So, er, what's your name, pal?

'Pal? Is he a pal person?'

Mark, pal.

Ah, Terry. Mark's brought us some biscuits.

Cheers, mate.

'Back to mate! Nightmare.'

No problem, mate, pal.

So, I bet I can see my... mates from up here, yeah?

Oh, yeah, there they are. Laughing away like a pair of bloody idiots.

Your mate's getting fresh!

'Oh, God! Oh, God! No!'

Hey, Tel. Get me a tape.

'Don't tape it! Stop it! Charge up your tasers.'

Ooh, look at that!

That... is...

hilarious.

< He can give her one from me!

And me!

Ha ha. Brilliant.

'God, I'm good. It's Saturday night and I'm doing good.'

'Give us a smile! You don't know I've got an ulterior motive.'

Jeremy!

Nancy!

Since when were you involved here?

Since forever. I had no idea you were into this, too!

Really? I'm sure I mentioned it.

No, because if you had, I'd have mentioned it, too.

Right.

I love hobos. And they're a great bunch, the Jesus Cave Crew.

But don't you think they can be a bit patronising?

"Sorry we're out of soup and bread, but this is lucky, we have lots of wine and tiny wafers!"

That is so whack! Jesus fed a multitude of followers with five loaves and two fishes.

Matthew, chapter 14.

Nancy! >

See ya later, honey.

Maybe, baby! >

I'll probably get to bone her later. Cheer up, Eddie!

Another cup of tea, girlfriend?

I'm good, thanks.

Boyfriend.

Ah! This is the worst bit. I hate this bit. This is the worst bit.

Come on, mate. No point torturing yourself.

It's research! Besides I can torture myself. What you going to do? Call Amnesty?

That's the push! She can't get away. He's some sort of animal.

Did you see the push, Jeremy?

Yeah. Sure. That looked terrible.

Looks like a one-off, doesn't it? A crazy flash in the pan.

Nancy, you're her friend. Give me your analysis. Did she tell you what happened... after?

He took her to the bathroom for... Sophie was not into it.

Oh.

They went back to his and made out for hours and she jerked him off.

But then he went away and he hasn't called and she's really pissed off.

Oh. Brilliant.

Our ambition is to kill clients. Actually kill them.

With our service. So they're dead.

'She won't smile, Jeff. You can't laugh at someone you don't trust.'

'Like Mum singing the lumberjack song after her affair.'

Aberdeen. I need a couple of experienced credit managers there for ten days on site.

< I was thinking Sophie and Jeff.

'No, no, no! Ten days! He can wheedle his way back in in ten days!'

So, unless anyone else has any thoughts, let's wrap up.

Yes, I have a thought.

< Uh-huh.

I don't think it's a good idea.

Oh. OK. And why is that?

It's just... a hunch. OK?

And I always trust my hunches.

Thanks, Columbo.

Plus, Jeff doesn't have much experience.

The 2003 Scottish Consumer Directive, for example.

I don't think that affects us, Alan.

That during the first phone contact we're obliged to set out, without abbreviation, the repayment plan?

'I've shot you, Jeff, with a bullet of Scottish finance regulations!'

So, Mark, would you be prepared to go up there with Sophie?

Yeah, Alan, I suppose I could... probably make that.

'If I have to cut off my limbs and crawl there on my tongue.'

I can't believe he's wormed his way back in.

His mum was really ill. That's why he didn't call Sophie.

Bastard! Perfect alibi.

Thanks for that heads up on the date. Great to monitor.

If anyone asks, we're having a lovely innocent picnic!

Oops. Looks like he's having a bit of trouble with the Humpty.

Keeps rolling on out.

Brilliant.

Although, apparently, she finds that amusing. They're laughing, Jez.

They're having a good time. Stop it. Throw a snack. Hit him on the head.

'No. Get them to film it. Build up a library of taped evidence.'

'Evidence that I'm an obsessive voyeur.'

144 Bad news, bad news, bad news.

One bus crash! What about all the buses that made it safely to their destination?

Yeah. This is such bullshit.

I suppose the news should be a dispassionate list of all the events that have occurred during theday

Except, of course, it would take for ever!

"Move onto drinkers..."

That's... That's... That's our picnic!

You can't see the Kettle Chips.

Bloody hell!

Whose business is it where you drink?

I wasn't drinking. I was having a picnic.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Mum, we were having a picnic.

Tell Dad it was a picnic. You can't see the crisps!

We had three flavours of crisps!

Explain to him. And Scotch eggs!

Yeah, no, really, I'm... I'm fine. Listen, I've got to go.

Cock knobs!

Mark, these things happen for a reason.

It might not seem like there's a plan, but there is a plan.

Oh, you believe in a god?

Yes, I do. And you might find it a comfort...

There's no evidence for God, whereas Ofcom has published guidelines.

So does God. It's called the Bible.

Yes, I wonder what the Bible's view is on you doing it.

In the shower and the garden centre and up the bum. That's in the Bible?

Do you think maybe that's not in the Bible?

Mark!

I'm sure it is in the Bible.

Probably Corinthians. There's loads of weird shit in there.

'Are they staring? They're staring at the drunk off the news.'

'Well, fuck them! I'll make everything all right in Aberdeen.'

'They're probably not staring. I'm just being paranoid.'

'Oh, fuck!'

All right. Ha ha

I can take a joke as well as anyone else.

If there are any more, I'm taking it to a fucking industrial tribunal.

Mark. Can I have a word?

It was a picnic. I'm speaking to Ofcom.

Right.

We had three flavours of crisps.

Sure.

I'm glad you understand.

I understand. Totally.

Mark, listen. I've been there.

I've been to the bottom of the bottle and back to the top.

No...

We're kindred spirits, Mark. Like George W or Alastair Campbell.

We want it all. If we're not hitting our targets, we're hitting the bottle. Right?

Alan, I'm not an alcoholic.

Sure. Sure you're not. That's what I told myself every day for 15 years.

Until you face your demons and put the plug in the jug

how can I trust you to be my main man here, Frankfurt or Aberdeen?

'I've got to go to Aberdeen. I've got the Rough Guide.'

'I could sell it. No, I've got to go with Sophie!'

Have you found it yet? >

Found what?

The bit where it says it's OK to do it up the bum.

I'm not looking for that. I'm just reading.

OK. Sorry. Sorry.

< Listen, Jez...

I want to ask you something.

If we can do something very special.

'So glad I didn't rub one out in the shower.'

I think it's time we break the last taboo.

Brilliant. It's not going to hurt, is it? What is it?

Is it in the ear?

Listen, now, we've done it round every which way there is.

I'm just wondering if we shouldn't try not doing it.

Not doing it.

Yeah. Wouldn't that be amazing?

'No. Not amazing. Wrong. Think, brain.'

Yeah.

Or, I tell you what, go the other way. Do a John and Yoko.

Never stop doing it until all the injustice in the world is sorted.

Jeremy, I really want to give this a go. It's a real deal-breaker for me.

Well, then. Let's give it a go.

This isn't anything to do with what Mark said?

No, of course not.

He's just the ghost at the feast.

KISS

I'm so glad you understand.

You're great, Jez.

'It's fine. We can talk.'

'I can get her to talk dirty while I pull myself off.'

< Hello.

< My... My name's Mark.

And...

I'm an alcoholic.

Uh... So, I'm a...

lager drinker, mainly.

I think I had my first one when I was about 14.

Hofmeister.

You remember? The bear with the porkpie hat.

Yeah.

'Surely, that's enough.'

Let it out.

Yeah, so...

Lately, it's got really bad.

I've been on the...

rum and Coke.

'More?'

And vodka and... gin.

All mixed up. It's not a proper cocktail. It's just made-up.

And I just drink that and stay at home. >

And eat oven chips.

Out of the bag, frozen.

Until I throw up on myself.

That's how... pissed I've been.

Thanks.

'They'll believe anything! Just turn up and moan.'

Thank you, Mark.

'What's so great about sex? It's all in the mind.'

'Her soft skin's a bag of kidneys, mucus and half-digested pie.'

'Bet she's got really nice kidneys. I'd fuck those kidneys real good.'

'She looks fine. Why am I not fine?'

'She's probably getting some. Maybe she's doing it with him.'

Is there a soup without meat?

Listen, mate. Beggars can't be choosers, all right?

'Oh, right! Now, they're laughing.'

'What's so hilarious? That is the fucking limit!'

Hi. What's the big joke?

Jez. Shouldn't you be serving the queue?

What are you doing that's so important?

I was helping Nim fill out some benefit forms.

I'm gonna go do the soup.

I know your game. I know what you're up to, Nim.

What?

Oh, sure, you need help filling your forms in

"I've been on the streets for so long I forgot how to use a pen."

She offered and I said yes.

Why do you even need them at all?

"Oh, my forms! My precious forms!"

I've got my eye on you, mate.

'There's nothing to worry about.'

'She's not fucking anyone. We're just watching TV.'

'Bad body language. She hasn't mentioned that homeless guy once.'

'That's it. She's leaving me. Fuck!'

Where are you going?

I just wanted some more juice.

'Relax. She loves me. She's not just here cos she hasn't got a TV.'

Oh, Jez. I forgot to mention, Nim's moving into my flat.

What the fuck? The homeless guy?

Just until he gets a hostel place. Jesus, Jez! Nothing's gonna happen!

He's homeless, Jez. He sleeps rough every night.

Exactly. It's what he does.

He loves it. The rolling hills, the heather. Don't fence him in.

Until they sort out his claim.

We've got this massive sofa. Nim should stay here.

Yeah, I love the homeless. One of my own would be amazing.

I could look after him. Not like a Tamagotchi. Better.

I'm fine, Dad. Please.

There's no need to come and stay.

You know what the news is like these days. They just make it all up.

No, no, no. OK. But please don't use that voice.

All right. See you at the station.

Hello.

Hello.

Jez, there's someone I don't know on the sofa eating my Sara Lee.

He's a good friend of mine called Nim who happens to be homeless.

He's not staying here, is he?

Right, you'd prefer to see him out on the street? Brush "them" away.

Put them in camps. Is that the idea?

Of course not.

He's staying, unless you want him to freeze to death, or is that what you want?

No. Look, he must have benefits.

In fact, he doesn't. Some bloody guy ripped up his forms. Apparently.

Why on earth would they do that?

I don't know, Mark. I guess that's the way life is on the streets.

Listen, Nim, I feel awful.

The thing is, my dad's coming to stay

and he considers Sir David Frost to be something of a hippy.

So you'll have to leave.

< I'm sorry. I wouldn't normally do this.

< I have a standing order to the Royal National Lifeboat Institute.

< That's the kind of guy I am.

< Maybe you can take some comfort from that?

'God, she's gorgeous! This is killing me.'

'Maybe I can rub myself against her, say I'm doing "an experiment".'

'Too pathetic. OK. Here goes.'

'The nuclear option. The ultimate.'

So, Nancy, I wanted to say

how much I'm enjoying not having sex with you.

Really?

Yeah.

'Death or glory!'

I was going to say that we should probably never have sex again.

I mean, all that humping and pumping.

We could take all that wasted energy

and try and accomplish so many more important things.

Well, yeah. I mean, that's great, Jez,

but I really wanted this to bring us, you know, closer together.

Oh, but it has. I feel incredibly close to you...

..without any pressure to be sexual.

I mean, these.

They're just a pair of human breasts, for Christ's sakes.

Now I can appreciate your whole body

without any stupid sexual desire.

Well, yeah. I mean, celibacy, that's great,

but maybe it's just all a bit of naughty Nancy.

Nancy can't have fun.

Nancy must be punished. Maybe I should just say "Fuck you, Mom!"

'Oh, yeah! Take that, God!'

'Shove this up your toga, you big beardie killjoy!'

Hey, where's Nim?

Oh, Nim's gone.

Where?

Mark chucked him out.

Poor Nim! Where exactly is Nim?

Oh, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim, fucking Nim!

If you love Nim so much, go and find him and screw him!

OK. Fine.

I will try and find Nim.

Just to make sure he's not dead or something!

Oh, Nancy. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it. Come back.

Oh, please? I'm dying here.

Just... touch it.

Blow on it.

You can use a tea towel.

Soph, if we do end up going up the Highlands together

I will insist on separate rooms because...

Mark?

Alan!

It's not what it looks like. It's only a pint.

Only a p... It's never only a pint.

Sophie bought it for me. I asked for a Coke.

No, you didn't.

You know what I'm hearing, Mark? "Poor me!"

"Poor me. Pour me another drink."

No, Alan.

This is bullshit, Mark! You can forget about Aberdeen.

Two words. Mini. Bar.

'Ugh! Kaliber! Of course, Kaliber! Why didn't I say it was Kaliber?'

'Kaliber would have made everything all right.'

'OK, I'm going to Aberdeen. I'm going, Jeff.'

'In a canoe made of your skin, wearing your nuts as earrings.'

All right, Jeff?

All right, Mark.

Tell you what, Jeff. I had a great shag last night.

Oh. Really?

Yeah. With your mum.

What?

Yeah, really doing it, we were.

I know you're pissed off about me going to Aberdeen, but you need to chill.

Otherwise...

What's gonna happen, you homo?!

Mark.

Stolen any cars lately, Mr Scouser? Where's your native wit now?

Watch it, mate.

Come on, Jeff. Let's get down to it, you stupid stinking chicken fucker.

Ooh, those chickens love it when that big rooster Jeff comes a-calling.

Argh!

'He's bloody broken my beautiful nose!'

That should be enough for personnel to go on. Goodbye, Jeff!

What, mate?

Where's the other one?

You're not the one I bought the lager for.

He knocks off at six.

He was supposed to tape me and Jeff in the room. He must have taped it.

Oh, shit!

Look, mate, pal. You've got to do me a favour.

Hey, Jeff.

What now, Mark?

So, like I was saying. Your mum.

I had sex with her.

Why are you doing this?

And it was great.

Mark, go home.

Come on, you big pussy!

Look, you've obviously got a lot of serious stuff going on.

I'm not going to make it any worse.

Come on, dick cheese!

Piss teeth! Fish lips! Come on!

Have another crack at me, Jeff! I'll fight back! Hit me, Jeff!

'It's OK. I'll get him at the bus stop. There's CCTV at the bus stop.'

everybody's coming to get me

with the moles

Intelfax subtitles FRAN WELLAND