Original subtitles

'Strong language from the outset.'

So – stop all the clocks, Toni and Tony are getting remarried!

Sure, we made mistakes first time, but now we've got the chance...

to make them all over again!

Already with the jokes. At least one of us is fucking serious.

So long, Toni.

You did, didn't you?

Oh, yeah. And you did. Obviously.

Ooh, yeah. Spicy!

< Clinical, more like. What's that?

A bit of crack.

Crack? Crack, Super Hans?

Relax, it's not Blue Peter. Just a nice relaxing smoke of crack.

Oh, my fucking life. It isn't...

It bloody is! Gog!

Gog?

Gog. At school, you'd run up and sneeze in his face.

Gog! >

Jeremy... What are you doing here?

Wouldn't you like to know, you big prick! So what are you doing?

Just running the business – hiring, firing and perspiring!

Business? Look at you, with your wine and your jacket, just like a real person!

Remember when we made you wank off Perchy's dog for a fiver? What are you doing, really?

Business. Going public in April.

User names. And overseeing the edit on my first short –

Honda are very interested.

What, so you're actually successful?

Looks like it.

Been looking for music for our soundtrack that doesn't suck arse.

But I'm... music! I make music!

Maybe we should meet up, have a chat.

Of course. Look, here's Super Hans.

We can do the music, can't we? >

That crack is really moreish!

'Saturday shift! I thought we had people in Ireland to do this for us.'

'Lovely trustworthy voices.'

If I can call at a more convenient...

OK, bye.

'Hm, Sophie, with her lovely soft face.'

'Jeff! Can't believe they're doing the Stockport contract!'

'She'll go round to his place, and I'm stuck with the new guy.'

See you later, gays!

What?!

See you later, guys. Soph, see you at my place. 33 Ringfield Road.

You bring the vino.

I've got the massage oil!

'He's trying to make me obsess about massage oil. And it's worked.'

'Break with the newbie will be a pain fest, trying to chat.'

'I'll say I'm upset and go and sit on the loo and never explain.'

'He's taunting me! I should've made him a cup of tea when I had one.'

'Hurrah! It was a joke! Hilarious!'

Sure you don't need a loan? For some therapy to help you shpeak pwoperly.

Huh? OK, bye.

He'd already hung up.

Oh! Right!

I'm so bored I could eat a fucking stapler!

'This is crazy. I should be working... but I'm not!'

I see you!

I'm Barnes Wallis, you're the Ruhr!

'I'm the Ruhr! And no-one's actually said the word "Dambusters"! I'm having fun!'

'And I'm not thinking about Sophie!'

Go on.

I can't!

Just imagine it's Ian's cock.

'I've got a friend! Maybe there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just a normal person!'

'Can't believe I'm pitching to Gog.'

'I hope Gog doesn't know it was me who shat in his mum's airing cupboard.'

'Please like my music, you lanky wanker.'

'Please let me do the music for your Honda film.'

MUSIC OFF

Want another beer?

Sure.

Follow me.

'He hates it. He bloody hates it.'

These are my guys. They had to pull a latey, so I invited them round.

This way I get to keep an eye on them, which is cool!

Very cool. About the track...

You know what I fancy? A kebab. Will you go and get me a kebab?

You want me to...

I want a kebab.

What, really?

No! Why, were you gonna get me one?!

LAUGHTER

No!

I can't beleive you were gonna get me a kebab!

I wasn't!

Well, I want one now.

Right...

Really?

No! I'm shitting you, Jez!

Jesus!

So, the soundtrack – can I do it?

I'm talking to a number of people. But If I do pick you, what I want is something classic.

Remember the theme tune from Jaws?

Well, I don't want that, I want something completely different,

something to make people go "Yeah."

Right.

'What shall I write? I can't just put "Not Jaws". Do pretend writing.'

Are you pretending to write?

No...

It's... Really, I honestly didn't see anyone.

'Shit! What if they bring in Forensics?!'

Oh, I shouldn't have done that. My prints will be all over it.

Yeah. It's embarrassing, and since Ian Krauss is of German extraction,

it has to be treated as a racial incident.

Ian's a...a racial incident?

< But... why?

Come on Mark! Germans.

< Sausages.

Do I have to spell it out?

Of course. Horrible.

They're saying it's racial? Next you won't be able to get a black coffee!

Exactly! And they'll have a bloody EU banana-straightening machine!

There's already a banana- straightening machine – woman.

You take that Sophie – going over to Geoff's right in your face. Bitch.

Yeah!

'Go on, say it. I'm gonna say it!'

Yeah, I suppose she is a... bitch.

Too right. Ask Clarkson – Clarkson knows.

'Good old Clarkson!'

People like fast cars, big boobies, and they don't want the euro.

I'm not that hungry. Want anything?

Don't fancy a Chinky. Got a pizza menu?

About a million!

I'd like to see 'em run like that carrying real Sten guns.

D'you know about... >

Just re-enactments. We do WW2 stuff.

Can be an 'ell of a laugh, just guys together.

Re-enactments?

'Probably sound more fun than they are. Like Laser Quest.'

Another beergee?

Lock and load!

'God, what is he taking? Better not disturb him – he might attack me and be sick.'

< Jeremy?

What?

What's Hans doing?

He's honking on his crack pipe.

Crack?! I've got company!

Oh, relax! "I'm Mark, I'm in the '80s, I'm dying of heroin in a puddle in an advert!"

Drugs are fine, Mark – everyone agrees now. It's fine, so shut up.

MOBILE BEEPS

< I don't want to...

A-ha-ha-hah!

What?

I got the commission!

Congratulations...

Shove it up your arse! Up your arse!

I've got a commission! It's big and it's going up your arse!

Jez, I'm pleased for you!

Sure you areSo pleased that I've gone to the finish line on my bike

while you're still jogging along in the rat race.

Exactly. I think it's great.

So you won't mind if I take you out for a very expensive meal.

I'm not that hungry.

Bollocks. We're going.

Why did you have to bring Daryl? He's a bit... boring.

Boring? What, cos he doesn't go around with... a haircut

and an iPod and... piercings and a... strap-on?

Strap-on?

It's an example.

Sorry, excuse me, I ordered three pilau rice and three peshwari naans.

It's all right, I changed the order. There's always rice left.

It's not all right. Three pilau rice and four peshwari naans, please.

I've shared enough rice with you. I'm in the big league now.

Four naan, Jeremy? That's insane.

So, what am I going to pay you to do in my band?

That's very kind of you, but you don't wanna overstretch yourself.

Bollocks. I'm a very generous guy. Daryl's bringing his cor anglais –

what are you going to do?

Well, we did once talk about me doing

a Jean-Michel Jarre thing on the keyboards.

Mm-hm. Or I was sort of hoping you'd say you want to be the manager.

You could order me around, which you'd enjoy, but I'd be your boss.

Could be kind of confusing. In a good way.

Three more beers for the Three Musketeers, eh? Ooh!

Aaaaah!

Aah...

'Ey, check this out. Sexy girl walks past, it's like...

That's not funny, Daryl. Repeat – not funny!

Oh, come on, lads, let's lose the cone – I'm a somebody now. There's no need for a cone.

Ooh!

Too good for the cone, are we? We're having a laugh, a bloody good laugh!

Bet we're having a much better time than Sophie is right now.

'Ey, course we are, mate, course we are!

I'll tell you where we should go now.

Fuck him up!

Maybe we should check the doorbell's working nice and loud, yeah!

Or... or we could make a special delivery for Geoff Heaney.

Daryl, don't!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, piss.

Oh, crumbs.

'What am I gonna tell Gog? What happened to the time? We had loads!'

What we need to do is create a powerful sense of dread.

See, the longer the note, the more dread.

'God that's terrible – worse than Daryl's bloody cor anglais.'

'I wish they were all robots. I wish I was. I could punch through a wall'

Yeah, OK. Ready? One, two, three, let's go!

They're coming after you

they're gonna get you

Look, no, all right? That's... not shit, but just... no.

Hans, you realise we've only got 39 minutes left! >

So now we're working it's not okay for me to smoke my crack?

Yes, exactly.

So next you're gonna boot me out for not wearing a jacket and tie?

Jez, is there anything I can...

It's under control, okay Mark. Please get back behind the glass.

But as your manager...

Just get behind the glass. There is a very clear if invisible line –

here be beauty, there be... pie charts. OK?

I've been here since eight – I'm going for a coffee.

If you're leaving now, don't fucking dream of coming back!

Oh, God!

Obviously, a band isn't an army, but you need some organisation.

Exactly my feeling, exactly.

Democracy's all very well, but it's weak and decadent. You need a strong leader.

Er...

I'm in character.

Oh! Er, yes, yes, right. Yes. The Fatherland needs the Fuhrer.

'Oh, God, I'm even boring when I'm a Nazi.'

Jesus! Classic rubbernecker. No interest in military history.

Might as well be checking out fucking seed drills.

Still, nice to get out of the city.

Yeah, nice to get away from it all –

the work, the smog, the graffiti.

The traffic, the noise, the hassle.

Car alarms, cashpoints, blacks, Pakis, Jews...

Oh, er, yeah, yeah. That's what we all want, a racially pure nation.

All we're saying is England for the English, right?.

You mean... Germany for the Germans?

You mean... This is... Are we...?

Rights for whites. Not much to ask!

Is this... real now?

We're on the same wavelength. Everyone thinks it, but we say it.

'Oh, shit. Oh, bollocks. Of course, I can't make a nice, normal friend.'

'That would be far too simple'

Heil Hitler!

Er, heil.

You're not supposed to do that!

You know you're not supposed to do that!

I was really pleased with the track, once we got that weird hiss off.

You'll never get it off entirely, but...

Uh-huh.

'I've got to cut the link. Daryl is definitely beyond.'

The rest of the money should be here soon. Just as well!

Uh-huh.

'Or maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe everyone does it, it's cool and Ali G

and I'm just an old stick-in-the-mud.'

Sorry if I was a bit of a cockmuncher down the studio.

Fine. It's totally fine, mate. Honestly.

Listen, I might pop...

just pop down the, er, Chinky. Want anything?

From... Er... No, I'm all right.

What about from the... Paki shop? Anything from there?

"The Paki shop"?

I don't normally go there. They've always got that wog box on.

What the hell are you talking about?

Yeah. That's not on, is it?

What I said – it's not all right, is it?

Well,... no.

And obviously you don't think there's a... global Jewish conspiracy

< controlling everything?

What, you mean... am I a racist?

Yeah. If you think that and say those things, you're a racist, aren't you?

Well... yeah.

As it turns out,... Daryl is a racist.

You're sure he's a proper...

It wasn't just racist... horseplay?

No. I was in the tent with him for ages, we talked for a long time,

and it was mostly on... racial classifications – head measurements.

Wow.

I feel terrible. Do you think I should... confront him?

You mean you didn't confront him?

Yeah. No, naturally I confronted him,

but maybe I should... confront him... again. More.

DOORBELL

Tell him I'm not here!

< Why?

Because I didn't confront him, all right?

Oh, hi, Daryl.

Is Mark around?

No, he's gone out. To get a Thai curry.

'Because that's what we eat nowadays while you're eating racist carrots.'

Hope Geoff's neighbour got the cheque for the window.

I said "Let's see if they're in, throw some stones at the window."

Daryl thought I said "a stone," and the stone he picked was a brick.

You know the rest.

Sorry I'm late, everyone.

Hey, Mark, my man!

Hi...

Is your mobile broke? I've not been able to get you.

Hey, they do chicken wings! I love them!

So, Alan, why have you got us all down here?

I noticed a bit of static in the office.

Thought we should come here for a bonding sesh.

Oh, right. Great.

< So...

anyone see the game last night?

Er, no.

I did. Thierry Henry made Savage look like a right carthorse!

When are people finally gonna admit that you lot are better at sports?

'No, not here. This can't happen!'

"You lot"?

He means guys who are French. He thinks you're French!

I keep telling you, he's not French! Come on, let's get you a drink.

Listen, mate, while we've got a minute – the thing is...

I'm busy, you're busy...

maybe we should stop seeing each other... so much.

What, stop being mates?

Yeah, y'know, you say potato, I say tomato – let's call the whole thing off.

But why?

Well, it's the 21st century, no-one actually likes each other any more.

But I do like you! You're fucking great!

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but... I don't have time. OK? There's no time.

Let's forget anything ever happened.

'It's OK, he doesn't have feelings. Racists don't – they're subhuman.'

'Yes, little Tetraminos, you fit neatly together and dissolve –

because everything is simple in Tetris world'

Er, Mark? I've got a massive, massive favour to ask you.

Uh-huh?

Yeah. It's, um...

The thing is, Gog's got some reservations about the track.

He's holding out on the four grand until we get it right.

Uh-huh...

The thing is, I've basically been very, very foolish,

and I've spent all of our advance on drugs and shoes...

and I need to borrow quite a lot of money to go back into the studio.

I mean, you are the manager...

OK... How much?

Brilliant! Now, the favour...

That's not the favour?!

Er... no. Y'see, the thing is, Gog...

he's really not very keen at all on any of the track...

except, as it turns out, for the cor anglais.

He wants much more cor anglais.

No, Jeremy. You know what Daryl's like.

Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Of course.

But look at it another way – we've all got our foibles.

I, for example, hate mozzarella.

It's not the same.

It is, kind of. I mean... aren't we living in a multicultural democracy,

and isn't that the point –

Jews and Muslims and racists all living happily together, doing and saying whatever they like?

'Cor anglais, of course. Probably plays it in the BNP jazz combo.'

"Brilliant! Fantastic!"

What did you think, Hans?

Crack! Just gimme crack!

Well I loved it. If you wanna print one of those out, or whatever.

Jeremy, don't just go!

I'll suck for crack!

Come on, let's get you some crack!

Tell Daryl we're very grateful.

Great to hear from you! You got over whatever brain attack you had?

'I'm safe. In my cubicle, I'm safe.'

< Are we off for a pint, or what?

"Er, Daryl, the truth is...

I can't be associated with you anymore, because... you're a racist."

What? I thought we were on the same wavelength –

sausage, the euro, Clarkson.

You can't hate people because of their ethnic background! >

Oh. Political correctness gone mad.

"No! I hate political correctness gone mad!"

I don't wanna teach the world to sing, >

but... slavery? The Holocaust? That's just... not on!

"Whereas... 'I have a dream'...

South Africa... Benetton... it's..."

"You've gotta say... 'Fair enough.' Yeah?"

"Yeah. OK, no. Fair enough. You've... talked me round."

"I have?"

"Fuck off! Thought police!"

'There he goes, the first friend I've made since Nick Bickford in '96.'

'And Nick didn't really like me.'

Do we have to do this? Not gonna hurt him, are we?

You want your money back? He refuses to pay up or like the track.

I told you you should've had a proper contract!

How are you feeling, Super Hans?

Fine. You've kicked the crack?

No, but I bang Valium up me arsehole for the comedown.

What's this?

Cover. In case the cops turn up. Just a bunch of mates playing baseball.

Oh! Jeremy. What, you've had more thoughts about the track?

Yeah, we have, actually.

Great.

We thought we'd smash your brains in with a baseball bat.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

See, we want our money, and we're feeling a little bit clumsy...

Whoops

I've told you, it's out of my hands now. Honda are hard to please.

Oh, Honda, Honda, Honda. Fuck Honda.

Nice packet of Crunchy Nut you got here. Pretty expensive, as I recall.

Not so rich with a piece of wood in your face, hm?

Oi, Jez.

Look, he's got the message.

You're gonna pay, aren't you?

No.

So we've got our answer. Let's go.

Hit him with the fucking bat, Jez.

You do it. Punch him with the glove.

I can't even make a fist!

The whole point of a contract is to make sure this never happens!

PHONE

Don't answer it.

What if it's Honda?

It won't be Honda.

Could be Honda.

All right, but a word out of place and you're getting the bat.

Hello?

Honda!

Oh, really? Oh, that's great news.

I'm so glad. Dave, call the police!

They're trying to kill me!

Hello, er, Dave, it's... Mark here. I'm an old friend of Gog's.

We're not trying to kill him, it's just... he's never had sushi before.

Argh! >

It's all right, Gog, it's supposed to be raw! Can he call you back?

Hey, Mark? What's the big stink?

Daryl's getting the sack. He was a massive racist. Not even his friends knew.

Someone reported him.

Right!

'Oh, shit! He knows it was me. He's got a pipe bomb in his trousers.'

'You wouldn't bomb a whitey!'

Don't worry, I'm not gonna embarrass you. I'm going now.

I still think you're a bloody good guy. Oh, and I took the rap for the sausage.

So, well, I'll see you round, mate.

Yeah.

Yeah, and... good riddance... you fucking Nazi!

Everybody's comin' to get me

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