Original subtitles

Plus it was cold and wet and boring in the outfield.

Personally, I've never seen a ball that slippery, have you?

It was a difficult catch, Mark.

And it's just softball.

'This is it. This is it.'

'All systems are go, the apple is ripe, the cross hairs are centralised.'

Soph, I was wondering...

Do you like Indonesian food?

Um, Thai I like,

'I can't do it, it's too much. I'm not American. I can't date.'

'Restaurants on a barge - I may as well ask her to marry me.'

'The pub, that's the English way.'

Why?

Oh, just... nothing.

But, listen, everyone's going to the pub. You want to...?

The work gang? I don't think so.

Do you mind if I get changed?

Oh. No, no. Not at all.

'Oh, my God! She's taking off her top. This is very promising.'

'Or is it? Would she do this if she fancied me?'

'Maybe we're... Oh, God, no, we're only bloody friends!'

And then she gave me a peck on the cheek. A living nightmare!

Uh-huh.

I've got to close the deal.

I've got to ask her out without actually asking her out.

One step forward, two steps back, that's the key to progress.

Yeah.

So, how was your day?

Oh, fine. Kind of weird.

Mum rang to say my Uncle Ray is a bit ill.

Oh, yeah? Is it serious?

He's in the hospice, I guess he's being looked after.

Hospice? You... Jez, you know what a hospice is, don't you?

Like a hospital but nicer.

A hospice is where people go to who are terminally ill.

Oh, right. Yeah, Mum said he was... what you said.

I'm sure he'll be fine. He's not a quitter.

Well, I have to say, probably not, mate. Probably not.

No. He won't quit. Do you know what I fancy now? Some Good Life.

< Where's more Good Life?

Are you going to call him? >

Ray? No.

He's probably got people calling him all day. He's probably sick of it.

I thought, probably best to give him some peace and quiet.

I-I don't know. I think maybe you should call him.

"I think 'This isn't good.'"

Good to see you, Uncle Ray. What've you been up to?

Mostly lying in bed taking painkillers.

Right! Cool.

'That wasn't a very friendly joke! At least I came.'

So, Ray, Jez tells me you worked on the Force?

That's right, Mark. 30 years.

Blimey. S-So,...

must be nice, getting a bit of support from your police mates.

The Force. You can trust the Force, can't you?

Yeah.

'This is meant to be my visit.'

'He's hijacking my visit.'

Mostly they just eat my wine gums..

'Say something, not about dying, something inspiring.'

Yeah.

People can be so funny when it comes to illness, can't they?

I mean, it's good that you've... you know.

That's the one upside of this whole thing.

Rediscovered that guy with the crown of thorns and the big heart.

Yeah, that's really a great thing to have - faith.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

'That's nice. Ray's such a nice guy'

'What a shame everything he believes is total rubbish.'

OK, thanks for calling, Mum. OK, I will. Bye.

Has it...? Is...?

Ray's dead.

Oh, man. I'm sorry.

Uncle Ray. Football. Ciggies.

He was going to make me an arrow that could go through a metal dustbin. He never did, but... Wow!

Shall I... turn over?

Yeah, maybe some Newsnight or something.

I mean, I wish maybe the family could come together.

We could campaign against...

or for, something. Maybe a foundation. The Ray Foundation -

for Christians and coppers.

That's a nice idea.

Something positive's gonna come out of all this. Something.

LOUDLY, I guess I need some comfort right now.

I mean, why does it have to happen? Why does death happen?

Shit, Jeremy, I don't even know which day the bin men come.

'Oh, this is pretty low -

milking Uncle Ray to get... Hey, I'm feeling bad, why not get some nookie out of it?'

I feel so alone, you know.

Sure - after Tony left, I thought

"This is it. Everything's over."

But then I thought "Hey, no, sort it out. Buy a juicer"

Right, but...

DOORBELL

You'd better go. Classified dates can be uptight about times.

Go? Toni, tonight I just need someone to...

Jeremy, this is a hot one. He's 6ft, loves movies and walks and we totally clicked on the phone.

'How can she be so heartless to someone who's as upset as I say I am?'

'Maybe I am as upset as I say I am, it's just coming out weird.'

Toni, listen...

Nothing could make me feel better about Ray

except maybe one thing could make me feel better.

Look, death happens. People die. You've got to move on.

My dad died when I was three but I haven't let it screw me up.

< Right.

I don't waste my life looking for a man to fill a Dad-shaped hole.

'It's perfect. Big social occasion but no invites.'

'It's not a date, but it is.'

'But what if it all goes right? What do I do about my massive balls?'

'Don't get ahead of yourself.'

Hey, Soph!

Hey, how's it going?

Things have been a bit tough, to be honest.

Jeremy's uncle passed away yesterday.

Oh, no! Is he OK?

Yeah, bearing up, you know. Listen, Sophie,

I wanted to ask you, might you be free on Friday?

For the funeral?

The funeral?

'Oh, no. Shit. It's not perfect, it's cracked. Oh, piss.'

You don't have to. I just thought it might be nice...

No, no, I'd be honoured. If you want a friend to go...

No, no, not friend. No, as a kind of date.

I mean, afterwards, if you like, we could go somewhere.

Won't there be a wake?

Somewhere like the wake.

OK, sure. Great.

Erm,... if that's OK? I'm invited?

That's the beauty. No invites at a funeral.

Right.

"As Jonno let rip with the stolen Kalashnikov

and Squarehead fired off a round of monkey puzzler,

I looked down at the towelhead I'd just slotted..."

'Jesus! Where did they get this guy?'

'This is a freak show. Why am I even here?'

'Why is she here?'

"I didn't think about it long. We all get slotted sometime."

Thank, Keith.

Real Life Behind Enemy Lines.

One of my brother's favourites.

Now, whilst no-one would suggest the faith Ray claimed to find was only a product of...

'God, I'm so pleased we stopped going to Liz's for Christmas.'

'"Thanks for the Fairtrade nuts again, Auntie."'

'She's loving this stitch-up.'

Now, in the humanist ceremony at this point

we like to encourage anyone who wants to share a thought or memory or reflection

about my brother, to speak up.

'Words coming.'

'Hey, yeah, OK, the sympathy vote.'

'I'm gonna blow this gaff wide open.'

Uh, yeah. I spent some time with Ray before he... went.

And I just wanted to say that I think we should all remember

that Ray, by the end, he loved Jesus

Now, I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus,

but then, there's no proof for lots of things,

like science or the stock market.

And we believe in them.

Look, what I'm trying to say is that if I was dying

and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into...

say,... Enya before,

but that now, I really, really was into Enya,

and that, in fact, I thought Enya was great,

and that Enya died for our sins,

and I wanted an Enya-themed funeral with pictures of Enya

and lots and lots of mentions of... Enya,

then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister

to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral.

Yeah?

'Well done, Jez, old mate, you did him proud.'

'Poor Ray. He's in there.'

'In that cardboard box. I can't believe it...

Shit! This just gets better and better!'

I guess it just came from in here.

Or maybe... up there?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah? Here's to God.

To God.

Can I get you anything?

No, I'm OK, I-I'll be f-fine.

I've got to be strong for Jeremy.

He was great, wasn't he?

Moments like this make you realise how short life is.

Right. One minute we're alive,

the next, we're dead.

Sometimes, we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life.

Right, yeah.

I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?

Yeah.

'You're losing her.'

It's a brief candle.

A bloody brief candle.

Yup.

Sophie...

C-can I say how beautiful you look?

Thank you, Mark.

Can... uh, can I kiss you, Sophie?

'Oh, my God! Umm!'

'What about my abnormal knackers? Oh, this is nice!'

'How weird are they?'

'What I really need is a good long look at another man's bollocks.'

'But that's so fraught with potential problems.'

Oh. That was nice.

Yeah, that was nice.

'Thank you, Ray, thank you, Ray, thank you, Ray!'

CHEERING

"..it was taken shortly before he died."

'That's God. You think you're in,

then the smiting, plagues and pestilence starts.'

'Shit. I can't believe it.'

Hey, Jez! I've got news.

So have I.

Sophie's coming with me to a cottage, with a bed, for the weekend!

Listen, mate, I need to ask you

a man-to-man question about... bollocks.

The hospital called. What Ray died of, Boden-Georgeson Syndrome,

it's hereditary.

What? You're kidding.

I might have it. They want me to go in for tests.

Tests? Jesus, mate... Fuck.

No, are you OK?

Yeah. No.

To be honest, I'm scared.

Look, don't be scared.

I am scared.

Don't be scared.

I am scared.

That's fine, that's fine. It's... perfectly natural to be scared.

'Dr Runcimen has seen this sort of thing a thousand times.'

'It's just two guys, one with his hand on the other's balls.'

Mark Corrigan?

Dr Runcimen's on call, I'm the Practice Nurse.

Oh,... pleased to meet you.

'No. No, no, no, no.'

So, how can I help?

Oh, it was just... I think I should probably see the Doctor.

Not that I've got anything against your... kind.

Tell me the problem, we'll see if I can deal with it.

Basically, it's... Not beating about the bush,

it's a problem with... with my...

Penis?

Testi-sticles. So, if you'd feel happier I...

OK, trousers down, hop on the couch,

let's look at the little fellows.

'I hope I don't... No leaping to attention, Captain Corrigan.'

'I mean, she's an attractive woman.'

'She should have to wear a mask for this. Reagan or Batman or...'

'She'd look pretty horny as Batman. Jesus, no, don't!'

So, have you... worked here long?

Blimey.

"Blimey"? What's blimey?

That doesn't feel painful does it?

No, no, no, that feels... great.

I mean, not great, just... normal.

'Ohh, how much can a man take?'

It's a hydrocele, a simple out-patients procedure.

The scalpel just slips in at the back of the scrotum.

'Yup, that's cooled things off. A regular bucket of water.'

'"Abandon self-cherishing, love only others."'

'Yeah, well, Mr Dalai Lama,

you've got to be a suck-up if you haven't got your own country.'

'OK, you don't have to do them all,

just till you find something to hold on to. Let's prioritise.'

'Islam, not really such a fashionable religion.'

'Hinduism, that's got a nice vibe,

find out the Hin-do's and the Hindon'ts.'

'The Bible - bit "Dribble not the ass's milk on a Tuesday"

and I know most of it from the Omen'

OK, Jez mate, that's about it.

Uh-huh. Well, have a good time, mate.

Is he OK?

I don't know, he gets the test results on Monday.

He seems a bit on edge.

Thing is, he's not definitely dying. He's not even definitely ill.

You're probably right. What about the carving on his arm?

That's just biro. He seems to be over that now. And the whinnying.

It's positive – he's investigating the key to all spiritualities.

"Read a poem, listen to inspiring music or go into nature..."

'On the other hand, I could finish off that skunk,

sit on Big Suze's dildo and wank myself dry.'

'Or go down that place Super Hans says is a knocking shop.'

'If it's not, bang a tab and get a four-hour massage.'

Er, Jez? Me and Soph,

we were just having a chat, and well, what we were saying

is that what we both really want

is for you to come on our weekend.

Yeah? Oh,... I kind of had plans.

You can bring your religious texts.

'Maybe he doesn't want to come!'

No point. It's all bullshit.

'God, he really, really wants me to come.'

It'll be such a laugh.

'Please say no, please say no.'

Well, all right. If you really want me to.

'God, I didn't realize he was this terrified of sex.'

'If I can just get the first one over without a major embarrassment.'

'First fuck is damage limitation.'

'In, out, as much pleasure as I can give her,

apologise, then we can move on.'

'Jesus, look at him. What a disaster'

Jeremy, it's your go, isn't it?

Uh, carry on, I just want to rewind this bit.

Do you have to? We're playing a game.

I gave you the choice. It's Tom and Barbara being nice

or Gloria and Mitzi being nasty.

If you don't want your go, I'll take mine. I'm attacking Irkutsk...

Can't you get it into your tiny, closed-off mind

that I don't give a flying fuck?

Well, you will when I take Asia.

Blah blah blah blah, Mark. Nothing means anything. It's all just shit.

Games, snacks, fires, man, woman, love.

Cos we'll all end up in the cold ground and that's all there is. OK?

Well, fine. I'm off for a shower. Good night, Jeremy.

See you in the bed... room, Soph?

Yeah, sure.

'Ugh. What I really want's a woman.'

'Oh, God, I'll never have a woman again in my life.'

'I never planted my seed.'

'My loins are like dried buckwheat. It's not fair.'

So, Jeremy, I'm going to turn in. I hope you sleep OK.

Er, thanks.

Er, Sophie, could I have a quick word? In private.

Sure, I mean, this is private.

It must be hell, trying to cope with this.

Well, yeah.

Jeremy, what're you doing?

Oh, this could be my last time with anyone. Think how committed I'd be.

I'm here with Mark.

Mark doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you.

What?

He... said he's only snogging you for a joke.

And he draws horrible vicious cartoons of you,

then wraps them up in sausage meat and calls you a sausage muncher.

You're drunk, Jeremy. Let's both try and get some sleep.

Go on, I might be dead in a week.

Jeremy, look, I'm flattered but I'm here with Mark.

What about a three's up?

Jeremy, Mark's...

All right, OK, I get the message.

Sophie? >

Jez must have gone for a walk. Thank God for that.

You'd think he'd be grateful.

He'll change his tune when I'm in charge of the morphine supply.

Oh, it's like that, is it?

That's how it's going to be, is it? Well, excuse me!

Jez! I didn't mean...

'Oh, wow, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.'

'Oh, yeah, she is so...'

'Where am I? Put your tongue out and see.'

'Neck? Yeah, neck.'

'Oh, whoo-ho-ha-ha-ha! You can do that again, oh, yeah.'

Mark?

Yeah?

Are you gonna take your pants off?

Er, yeah. Yeah, I will.

But, Sophie, before I do, I need to prepare you for something.

I intend to have an operation,

but until I do, don't be alarmed by the size of my...

Mark, stop boasting and get some johnnies.

'Shit! They're in the bathroom.'

Stay right there - don't go away!

I'm not going anywhere!

'Quick. Don't want to have to get her all worked up again.'

'Jesus, did she say johnnies plural?'

'Hope she doesn't think I'm some sort of superman.'

'Couldn't even be bothered to go to bed. It's pathetic, really.'

'What's...? Oh, my God, he's...'

'No, don't be dead, mate. Shit, no!'

'Oh, God, no. In front of... Tenko?'

'That was probably the last straw. Oh, fuck!'

'Don't be dead, please don't be dead! My cock's gone right down. Fuck!'

Sophie! Soph! Something awful has happened!

Huh? Whuh?

He's opened his eyes! Jez? We're right here, Jez!

Wha? What's going on?

You're in safe hands now. You're gonna be OK.

Was he behaving strangely before he took the overdose?

No. No more than usual.

Well, he did - I didn't tell you this - he did make a pass at me.

A pass?! He... The bloody...

He's been under a lot of stress.

How many pills did you take, Jeremy? It's really important you remember.

Pills? Just the one.

He's delirious. The bottle was empty

Yeah, it was the last one. I had a headache.

Has anyone got any Coke? My mouth's all...

I invite you here and you repay me

by trying to to have it away with my girlfriend?!

I don't think "girlfriend" is...

I've been feeling very low.

Oh, were youWere you?

Yeah, I was feeling desperate.

I mean, that's why... That's why I took the overdose.

What? But you...

I couldn't admit it. I was ashamed.

But I did it. The bottle was full, I took the whole lot.

OK, if you two step to one side, I'm going to do a stomach pump.

What? Er, no. Actually...

OK, I admit it, I was joking. I was lying just then, not before.

You can put away the hardware.

I didn't do anything! I was lying! Don't pump me! Don't pump me!

What the fuck?

Only me. I've got something for you.

Don't do that.

But no-one was coming.

That's not the point.

It's not?

No. Mark, we need to have a talk.

A talk? Oh.

A funeral, it's an emotional time, there's lots of emotions...

Are you finishing with me?

We weren't ever really...

Oh. Right.

Not that something might not... some day...

But everything was a bit whoosh, I'd rather it was more dum-de-dum.

OK, well, that's just, I guess, you know...

Did you want to give me something?

Er, no, it's...

It's... your pants.

Oh.

I found them in my suitcase,

and I thought...

Anyway,... here you go.

Er, well, thanks.

Not a problem.

OK, er, well, I'll see you... See you... not around, but here.

OK, great. See you.

So, I... I, er, got the test results.

It's positive.

Oh, dear. Oh, Jez.

Are you OK?

It's all broken. It's knackered.

He dumped me.

Daddy's gone again.

I don't know why it happens.

All these people singing and dancing, but it's never me.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry, I'll shut up. My problems are just like nothing compared to...

Three to six.

Jesus, Jeremy. Jesus.

'I'll say - miracle drug cure. Maybe she'll give me one more as congratulations.'

'God, hope she doesn't start crying again.'

'Got to, before she... Come on.'

'Oh, I am going to feel so low just as soon as this is over.'

Intelfax subtitles Arah Shah & Sam Kingsley