Original subtitles

'If I get promoted to loan supervisor that's an extra 160 a month.'

'Four months – weekend in Zurich! If I get it.'

'Why didn't I iron my fucking tie?'

Hey, Mark! I thought you'd be out by now.

Nope. Not yet. Haven't been in yet.

'Lovely soft face.'

It's just Barbara and Lucy. Have a bloody good laugh.

You're right. Totally right. A laugh. Have a nice laugh.

D'you think Jeff's charity squash stuff counts for much?

Don't worry. I'm sure you'll get it.

''

Sophie, have you ever been to Zurich?

What?

'Too much. Too much!'

Ruthlessly clean. Talking of which, badminton – are you on for Wednesday?

Yep, still on.

And afterwards...

Hi, Sophie. Fuckface, you're on.

'Forget it, mate. You're dead in the water. I'll be relaxing all over you'

Welcome to my world.

Man, I'm so glad you got me in here.

Nice.

Wicked. So, let's go to the studio and riff on some shit.

Totally. Although one of us has to be on reception, unless Hazel's in.

< That's really important.

OK, I get it – the code.

We bide our time

and pick the perfect moment to shake shit up and get noticed.

One of the best ways to get noticed

is to pick up a four-pinter on the way in and get Ron's latte...

Jesus, you've got a Blair Witch ear!

Oh, yeah, that's Toni's. You know, next-door Toni?

Oh, the one you wrote Toni's Theme for?

She's like some kind of drug. Like ketamine, but... with nicer hair.

You're all set, ain't ya? You are a music-studio reception runner now!

Gets the women hot.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah. It's a savage garden, my friend, a savage garden.

'Shall I ask what he means?'

'The interview went well. Glad I didn't mention the phones.'

'Keep the big idea on ice for now.'

'Should have mentioned the blind kids but it might seem I did it for my CV'

'I did not do that just for my CV.'

Mark?

Sophie!

Barbara says there's news.

They didn't give it to Jeff?!

No, they didn't.

YES!

No. Mark, let me...

Sit down. Erm...

They didn't give it to Jeff or to you.

Is this... Is this a funny joke?

No, Mark. Listen... This is weird, really weird,

but Barbara asked me to temporarily take over the supervisor role!

Well, good, that's good. Great.

I'll get on with these.

Oh! Let me...

It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter!

So, congratulations. What the hell happened?

Barbara thought no-one came up to the required standard, so...

Sure. But what's the story behind the story?

Does there need to be a...?

No! You know... how I think of you, but...

you've gotta say I'm the better loan manager.

Well...

You've gotta say that.

You're good at your job.

Thanks, boss

Can you do the Hertfordshire file?

Right.

By tonight?

You're serious?

It's not a big...

No, totally. That's fine. I'll do it.

< Fine.

'Dance a death-clog dance over me

and leave a turd in my happy place..'

'I should've milked those blindies dry!'

Yeah, so this is very similar >

to a larger version of the graphics equaliser you'd have on your hi-fi,

in that it takes the graphics, which is another word for music,

and it equalises them... >

'I've lost her. Christ, I'm quite boring when I put my mind to it.'

And you've got the Chemical Brothers in six?

Yeah. They're great. Great group. Lovely guys.

'Come on. This is it.'

So... just sitting here, it's like you can feel your mojo expanding...

Jezz, have you seen my book?

No, I don't think it's...

Oh, hi!

Hi! Is that Burroughs And The Drug Culture? I love that book!

Me too! I'm on the bit where Kerouac finishes his Benzedrine high,

looks at his novel and realises he wasn't even holding a pen!

Course, Ginsberg's in the corner, laughing... but crying as well.

Yeah, yeah!

'GreatThey've clicked. I hear clicking.'

It shits on Birdsong.

Jezz, could you have a look at that thing on reception?

Thing?

Yeah.

Oh, that. I fixed that.

Oh, did you? Well, it's gone again.

No, I fixed it. Twice.

I was just down there. It's not working.

'Fuck off!'

What isn't?

The thing... you fixed.

I'm just showing...

I'm fine. Your thing sounds... important.

Maybe, erm...

Hans. Super Hans.

..Super Hans could show me the rest of the equipment.

'It's cool. There's a bond of trust. He won't break the bond of trust.'

Ouch!

Sorry.

'Yeah, you'll be sorry. Bitch! What a horrible...'

'I couldn't hate her. Oh, why didn't I tell them the phones thing?!'

'Sophie climbing over my dead body to...'

'It's not her fault. She's just a stooge.'

'A beautiful, stupid, ugly, shitting, filthy, grasping stooge.'

Whoops!

Ha!

'Mark, don't let this ruin things.'

'Once you're going out, put her bag in the fridge and tell her she's mad'

What's funny?

Nothing. Sorry. Good shot.

'It's just a game, a grown-up game. Mousetrap. Downfall. Hunt the Ripper'

'Why didn't I mention the fucking phone?!'

Phew! 15-9.

Shall we call it a day?

What?

Sorry, I've been invited to dinner.

I thought we were going for dinner!

We never said...

I thought we said.

No... The whole team's going, and...

The whole team. The team.

Sorry, Mark, but I thought you...

That's fine.

'It's all fine. Everything is clear I love her. She is going to kill me.'

It's all... totally fine.

'She's my guest. Why should I be the one making Ron lattes all day?'

Jezz! Just, er, showing Toni the ol' drum loop from Bombdog.

'She'll get bored of him, like she got bored of me.'

You sure you can get home from here?

Uh-huh.

'You can never go home again. Winter's coming. Is this Stalingrad?'

'Is this where it all ends? Or is this...

..where it all starts? This is a good idea! This is a great idea!'

'It's exactly the sort of thing they're looking for! Just do it!'

Alan, Mike, Barbara, can I butt in?

Mark!

Don't worry, I'm not going to tuck in on expenses, but I thought

I could share with you my vision...

Mark!

Can this wait till tomorrow?

Can JLB's future wait? No!

You'll agree when you hear the idea I was too scared to spill at interview.

Mate, I know you wanted...

Reroute the phones!

'This was definitely a good idea.'

Reroute the phones to everyone's mobiles!

24-hour, round-the-clock, customer-freaking service.

It's "I'm clocking off – finger to the customer." But now...

Probably best if you go home now.

But I've worked with blind kids! I'm the full package!

You'll have my action plan in the morning!

'This was a good idea. There's no chance this wasn't a good idea.'

Call yourself a mate, mate?

What?

I saw you leave her flat this morning.

She wanted bongo lessons. She has a passion for percussion.

She hasn't got a bongo. You weren't carrying a bongo.

You don't need a drum to teach...

Look, mate, I'm next door. I heard you... your noise last night.

Oh, that. That was... press-ups.

You seemed to enjoy the last few a lot.

Hey, you gotta push for the burn.

'Huh! Uh-oh. It's the human time bomb. Don't rile him.'

Hey, Jeremy.

Hey, man! Join the party. We're just hanging out with the band.

Long day at the studio.

So, how are you doing?

Oh, good. I'm feeling pretty good.

Great.

Barbara is an experienced man manager

and if she thinks Sophie's right for the job, fine.

'Barbara, we should talk re the phones thing.'

'Oh, you're not here. I'll leave my idea here so you can think about it.'

'My new idea is urine. Loads and loads of urine flooding your drawers'

'What do you think about that? Isn't that just the ticket?'

'You're getting some too.'

PHONE

JLB Credit. Fuck off, please.

'What? From Sophie? Application letter to...?'

'She did it. She stiffed me.'

'Sophie's drawer gets a dousing too. Or I could park a turd on her desk.'

'Bit freaky. But pissing's just horseplay.'

'Oh, my God! It's not my piss. It was a joke.'

'She did it to me last week. Shit!'

Mark?

I didn't realise you were still here.

I've been working late. You?

Oh, just... likewise. Working late. Left a file here somewhere.

Right...

I'm glad I bumped into you. About the other night at the restaurant –

I just wanted you to know...

'Don't notice the piss.'

Yeah, Mark?

Oh, yeah. Totally.

Oh, there's the Finnemore numbers.

Let me get those for you.

Oh! Thanks, Mark.

Erm... listen, do you want to...

Better not, thanks. Got a lot to do Thanks.

'I've got to take the letter-shaped knife out of my back, Judas.'

'So they're a bit crinkled. So what?'

'Hello, police? Someone broke into my office and crinkled my papers.'

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello, Mark?

Sophie?

I'm coming in, if you're decent!

What happened?

It's not piss.

So... I offer therapy mixed in with careers guidance.

But mainly you're a careers guidance counsellor, right?

I just want to make it clear I'm here for careers guidance.

Not therapy? OK...

What are you trying to say?

Just interested in why you feel...

I don't want to talk about any "difficult feelings",

my mother, my father or my so-called "childhood".

Fine. Fine.

Well, I like to start with word association. It's a fun way...

Is it therapy?

Not really, no.

I'll say a word and you tell me what pops into your mind.

'He's trying to therapise me.'

Let's start with an obvious one. Work.

'Snake pit.'

Snake... charmer.

Say the first thing that comes to mind. Money.

'Everything.'

Not everything.

Children.

'Blind.'

Er, short.

Father.

'Fuhrer.'

Football.

Mother.

'Sophie.'

Fuck! No, not "fuck".

Look, Mark, I get the feeling you're resisting something here.

Can I change any of those? What score did I get?

You don't get a score.

Right. Sure you don't

We should try something else. Ever done a Rorschach test?

Just tell me what you see.

'A hairy twat. A hungry, devouring twat.'

A kitten?

Off the hook we need to hit something.

'They don't know I own a massive musical brain.'

'To them, I'm just the mild-mannered janitor.'

The chorus is working.

'Yeah, it is. Like the Frog Chorus!'

'Someone needs to tell them. I'm an outsider, but I'm on the inside.'

'This is my moment. Go on, cross the drawbridge. Make the splash.'

Maybe you should just... mess things up a bit.

Sorry?

Wouldn't it be better if the sound was more...

ker-jaow!

Yeah... OK.

Not so much A to B to C,

but more sort of A to D and then back to A

and then to X!

You know, just better, like your first CD.

Obviously, I don't wanna butt in. It's your song.

Cos, like I say, at the moment it is very...

We're doing... the... fucking song..

Whereas it should be more sort of .

Whereas, like I say, at the moment it is more kind of .

Which it doesn't have to be.

Yeah... No...

Yeah, that's great. Thanks, mate.

No problem, mate.

'This was definitely a good idea. There's no chance it wasn't.'

Yeah, I can see that. I'll tell him. All right, Mr T. Cheers, then.

Sorry, mate, nothing I can do. You're out.

Fired? But...

I did everything I could.

You didn't do shit!

Earlier. I had the whole thing out with him. I threatened to walk.

Right, so are you gonna walk now?

Steady on, mate, I'm not Spartacus.

That's pretty obvious!

Well, I refuse.

I'm not going. So, whaddya do now?

I'm still here, Super Hans. You lose.

Ron? No, he won't go.

I see through you.

He's still here.

Muscling in on my woman...

OK. I'll put you onto him. >

OK, Ron. That won't be necessary, because I'm going to leave now.

Thank you, Ron.

"..your entire life."

Y'see, he's not Lennon, but she is Yoko.

I'm Lennon, but Yoko's gone off with Paul.

Imagine that. That's the scenario we're talking.

Don't they mind you not going in?

They think I'm ill! I'm screwing the system. There's nothing they can do.

Sophie's gonna pay. Oh, she'll pay.

Yeah. What's wrong with revenge and the mark on the door and plagues?

Exactly.

Suddenly you're not allowed revenge?

It's political correctness gone mad.

Jeremy, have you seen Strangers On A Train?

Sure! "No-one suspects the chef!"

It's about these two guys who take care of each other's enemies.

OK! Right!

And what happens in the end?

Er, I can't remember. But I'm prett sure it all turns out all right.

"Happy painting."

This is the ultimate!

Yes, sirree! It's payback time.

She's paying back in fear dollars.

What are you gonna say?

I'll say I'm gonna cut her up and leave her in buckets.

What?! No! Don't say that!

Jesus, that's horrible! Just say something like...

ask "Is Mrs Hugh Jass there?"

No, she's got a thing about her bum.

How about "Mike Hunt"? No, no.

Well, what, then?

Ooh. Hello? Er... it's, erm... I'm...

I'm watching you.

Not in a horrible way. Just... I can see you.

Yes, I can. You're eating spaghetti.

Linguine. Whatever.

Well, I'm outside. >

I'm behind a bush.

No, I'm not gonna tell you which.. Look, I'm the one in charge here.

No, I'm just shitting you up a bit.

Shit, she's got a fucking air gun!

Sophie...

Mark, she's going to...

SHOTS

Argh! Jesus, mother, bollocks, that hurts!

She's coming!

'Why not come clean? You could say...'

'Nope, there is no way of making this look...'

BARKS

'Oh, fuck!'

It's lucky you had those boots. >

I suppose it turned out OK...

I think she got the message.

'I've made a psycho call to the woman I love. I've kicked a dog to death.

'Now I'm going to pepper-spray an acquaintance.'

'What's happened to me?'

So, you still up for this?

Yeah. I'm on it.

Great. Gimme the plan again.

I give Super Hans the pizza, pepper-spray him, then kick him

and grab his wallet to make it look like a robbery.

That's the spirit.

Go for it, buddy.

'What am I doing? I can't do this!'

'There's no way I can do this!'

Do I look like the kind of person who eats pizza?

There's no pizza. It's me, Mark.

I've been sent to pepper-spray Super Hans and kick him,

but I can't! I can't, all right?

It's gone over the edge of reason!

Mark?

It'd help if you'd start screaming.

Screaming?

And if you could tell Jeremy that I..

What's going on? Why haven't you pepper-sprayed him?

Jezz? Is this for real?

Er, I am not Jeremy. I am...

Oh, lookee-lookee at this. Well, what a very big surprise

Another late-night bongo lesson

We're two single people having a great time.

If you can't handle that, go back to the fifties.

Yeah. Maybe you should make a move mate.

OK, mate, how about this for a move?

Oh, fuck me!

Jeremy, that's enough! No need to...

God, you sprayed me! You fucking sprayed me!

It's for your own good.

OK, enough careers guidance.

I need therapy.

How was it for my own good?!

I don't want to talk about it.

You didn't kick him in the nuts – that's something. Build on that.

The spray's gone, Jeremy.

< Where is it?

< Just tell me where it is.

Look, Mr Klugman has a mantra that I'm finding helpful.

< "Heal and grow."

Not to be patronising, but you should think about that.

DOORBELL

Sophie!

'Heal and grow. Heal and grow.'

Good to see you. Come in.

Mark, are you OK?

I've been feeling a little low lately, but...

What happened with your...?

Oh, that's nothing. Jeremy just hit me.

With the ladle.

Jesus, Jeremy, you can't go round hitting people with ladles! >

He shouldn't have pepper-sprayed me.

What's going on? You've been away for...

Sophie, Sophie, Sophie, relax!

I'm fine! Life is fine.

'Cool, wet grass. Cool, wet grass.'

I'm having therapy. I'm going to the solarium.

I have spoken with the Citizens Advice Bureau. Nothing's killing me

Yeah...? Good. Erm...

because I wanted to apologise about work. I know you wanted it.

'Lying bitch!'

'Not bitch.'

It's fine, fine, fine.

I've let go of all that... stuff.

Yeah?

Totally.

Great. To tell you the truth,

you're well out of it – it's all politics. I don't want the job.

Barbara made me write an application letter to Regional.

Ah! Right!

'She didn't.. I'm such a cockmuncher'

'No, not cockmuncher.'

I just wanted to say I enjoyed the badminton and everything –

I hope you're back on my team soon.

Your team.

'Heal and grow.'

Well, it's very nice for the big lady to come and talk to the little man.

I'm surprised you can see me from up there in your ivory tower.

If that's how it is, fuck off.

< Sophie, Sophie, Sophie, don't go! Sophie, I...

Hey, Mark! I found it!

It's for your own good. >

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