Original subtitles

2

'Don't screw this up. No screw-ups. Got to impress.'

We've examined your loan application and I just have one question.

Are you a pathetic, worthless punk?

Er, w-well, no...

Oh, right. Because I'm going to turn you down as if you were a hippie parasite.

'Oh, yes, I like it.'

Then I'm going to make you feel like you're a turkey fucker.

Why? Because I'm the big man and you're a shit-heel.

'Brilliant. That is just so spot-on.'

Or I could treat Mr Corrigan like a valued and respected customer

and we'd both end up winners.

Isn't that right, Mr Corrigan?

Right. Absolutely dead right.

'Alan Johnson, I'm in love.'

'I'm in love with you, Johnson.'

"There are two basic energies in the world - stress and relaxation."

Super Hans.

What are we doing?

We are looking through the other end of the telescope.

I don't feel very well. Did something bad happen?

Everything's OK. There's two energies in the world - stress and relaxation.

Did I break through?

No idea. You passed out after the love beans. Thought the table was being ironic.

What was the bad thing?

'Floss is boss. Floss is boss.'

Floss is boss!

'No, not that, something worse.'

What... happened?

That will probably become clear later, like the French Revolution.

We need to tidy up.

Absolutely not. That is one thing I stand against. A thousand times no.

Hi! Come in, come in.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Soph'.

How's it going?

Good, thanks.

'Ask her to go to the bar.'

We're watching a bit of Morse. Would you like to watch a bit of Morse?

Not right now. Mark,

about the lift...

8.15 sharp.

I forgot about Debbie's wheelchair.

It'll take up quite a bit of room.

Right, well...

Dave's been helping her so I said to him...

I mean, I could help.

Yeah... yeah, sure, er...

It's just Dave's been, you know...

Oh, yeah, totally, absolutely.

'Dave's the saint. Nothing must unseat Dave.'

I'm sure you'll get a lift from someone, or the train.

It's fine.

Sorry.

Thanks. Well, see ya.

Bye.

Night.

OK, night.

'Go on, I know what you're thinking -

I'm shit, you're great, I'm the worm, you're the king.'

'Well, eat your nuts and go fuck yourself.'

'I feel like loam. A piece of loam.'

'Jesus, what am I talking about?'

'I wish Mark was here. No more drugs.'

'I don't need drugs. What great music was ever made on drugs?'

'Bowie, obviously. The Floyd,

the Prodge, Aphex - the list is endless, really.'

'But they could have done it twice as fast with half the mess

if they'd just... Ah, was that the bad thing?'

'Not that. Something wronger.'

'Mark'll be so pleased when he sees this.'

'Maybe I could open my bank statements,

maybe you can be boring and cool.'

'Only asked about the bus, no need to make me out a freak.'

'Checking in to the hotel it's all "Can we get you fresh..." whatever.'

'On the way out it's "Well, one of you is liable for the cashew nuts."'

'Sophie...'

'Geoff?! That fucking...'

'What's the story there?'

'This is the worst thing to happen to anybody, ever.'

'Oh, my fucking life, it's Alan Johnson.'

Mark. It is Mark, isn't it?

Yes, it is, it's... Mark.

So, you want a lift, or what?

Oh, I would love a lift.

'Shit! This is the best thing that has happened to anyone ever.'

'Look at me - friends with a big black businessman,

like it's the most natural thing in the world.'

'If he got accused of a crime he hadn't committed, I could come to his aid...'

Jez?

Hey, you're back! This is great!

Er, yes.

The El Dude brothers are back in town.

IMITATES TRAIN HORN

Uhhhh-uhhhhh.

Sit down, tell me all about your trip.

I want to hear everything, all the gory details.

Did you bring back any tiny soaps?

Jez, are you all right?

Course I am, now you're back.

That's very nice and everything, Jez,

but I should open some wine. I've got rather a good friend coming over.

Wine? Friend?

But you haven't got a friend. Who's your friend?

Phoney Tony, I call him. This government is all spin.

I totally agree. I couldn't agree more.

The way he licks Bush's arse.

It's pathetic.

They're spending more on schools and hospitals but where's the evidence?

Can you see them? Where?

'This is good, yeah, three guys sitting round, shooting the shit.'

'Politics doesn't have to be boring. Moby's stuff is political. I think.'

Yeah, it's all lies, isn't it?

Don't tell me that Blair wears a suit and tie when he's watching Big Brother.

'Oh, God, not in front of Johnson.'

How do you mean?

They should be more honest.

At least Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like, "Yeah, I shoot people."

"I like shooting people."

If they were more honest, people would vote and not switch over when the news comes on.

You turn over when the news comes on?

No, no...

Sometimes... maybe for a treat.

But generally, it's great. Who do you support?

Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine. Makes it more interesting when you pick a...

No?

If you like, I'll show you what I've done so far on the book.

&lt The book?

Business Secrets Of The Pharaohs.

The opening chapter gives a flavour...

'Oh, my God - the bad thing. That's the bad thing.'

Mega tsunami!

Can I have a look?

Doesn't seem to...

Oh! Oh, dear, look what you've...

Is it all right?

No, but it wasn't working when...

It was working fine, then you spilt your drink on it.

That's what happened.

That's what I saw.

'Me and Johnson, Johnson and me.'

'We only met a fortnight ago. Everything's happening so fast.'

That sounds just amazing.

Excellent. Second.

LIGHTHOUSE FAMILY

Yeah, but the relocation thing, moving out on Jeremy.

It feels a bit weird, Dad.

'Shit!'

Sorry?

Feels weird, daddio.

'Good save.'

Why, daddio? Third.

Nowadays, e-mail and so forth, do I really need to move to Cardiff?

Let me tell you a little story, Mark

A pair of mountain climbers - one is climbing, the other is injured.

Weak, unhealthy, clinging to the first guy's leg.

Interesting.

The first guy has a choice - let his pal cling on and they're both yak food,

or shake him off and make it to the top solo.

'I've got to tell him. How am I gonna tell him?'

'This is horrible. He might crumble.'

'He's weak. Remember the Johnson.'

Hey, Jez.

Hey.

You just choose whatever you want from the revolving belt.

'This could be good. Play it cool, don't slag off Johnson - yet.'

According to Johnson, wasabi sauce is...

Oh, "Johnson says, Johnson says"!

If you love Johnson that much, why don't you marry him?

Where did this come from?

Why don't you screw him? Since you want to do that, why don't you?

Jeremy! Look, I've got nothing against being gay

but I'm not, and neither is Johnson.

He's black, in case you hadn't noticed.

Just because he's black, I have to like him?

Do I? That's political correctness gone mad.

Look, Mark...

'Jesus! I'm probably just the sort of person who'd be gay and repress it to himself.'

The thing is... well...

There's no easy way to put this, but

Johnson's invited me in with him.

He wants me to get into bed, team up with him.

It would mean relocating to Cardiff.

You're kidding!

I really feel I need to go for this, Jez.

It's not as if it's the end for us. We're still the El Dude brothers.

We'll always be the El Dude brothers,

it's just I'm leaving.

I can't spend my life with you at base camp.

OK, OK, that's fine.

I'm fine with that.

Good.

'If I keep smiling, maybe he won't leave.'

Actually, this is a pretty cool place. Chopsticks.

Hmm, these are a bit long for me, actually.

'He's cracked. I hope he doesn't do anything drastic.'

So, tell me all about the wasabi sauce.

'If he hangs himself over this, I could put an orange in his mouth

and say it was a fatal wanking accident.'

I'm so glad you came here for a follow-up, man.

You totally blew apart Barbara's business paradigm.

Like taking candy from a baby.

'Maybe I do fancy him. He's handsome.'

'Not in a gay way, it's just obvious.'

'He's a good-looking guy. A guy's guy.'

'But would I...'

Hey, Mark.

Sophie! Sophie, Sophie, Sophie!

You know Alan, of course.

Yeah, quite a seminar.

You know Barbara went home crying?

I'm just the doctor, I didn't make the needle sharp.

It's not a wig, that's her hair.

You've got to admit, she was asking a lot of questions.

I thought you two big kahunas should know.

Yeah, whatever.

See you!

Jesus! Some people. You point them to a lift

and they're like "I'm fine with the stairs."

'I want to be with him all the time,

but could I think about kissing?'

'Well, I'm thinking about it - no, I'm just thinking about thinking about it.'

Yeah... She's very... yeah.

I could have a little thing going there with Sophie, actually.

My advice is keep it little.

Yeah?

Women.

Does a balance sheet ever cry and say it needs time to think?

A business doesn't say it loves you, then run off with a buddy.

Take a good, hard look at her.

What do you actually see in her, compared to a supermodel like Giselle, or the others?

She's...

I think she's very pretty.

Come on, look at her arse.

Is that the best arse you're ever gonna get?

Do you stick on that arse? Admit it, she's got a fat arse.

Say it.

Well, she's...

Maybe it is a bit... nice but in a sense...

Look, if we're gonna do this, it's just you and me.

No stress-buster mini-breaks, no women, just us and a couple of fuck-off spreadsheets.

'Oh, yes, take me, Johnson, I'm yours!'

248

Yeah, Jeremy and Super Hans. This is perfect, cos I'm being evicted soon.

We are gonna have parties in this place that go beyond fun

and actually get really nasty.

So when's the Iron Duke movin' out?

Um, I don't know. Maybe a few weeks. Nothing's really decided yet.

As a fucking-off present, why don't we spike him?

Yeah, or maybe get him a nice watch.

"I couldn't make the meeting today, boss, gotta fax my soul off to God!"

'This could be all right. I'll just get Mark to make us a cleaning rota'

'We'll just stick religiously to the rota.'

'There's probably less to worry about with gay sex.'

'You know where you are with a cock.'

'Even if I am gay, Johnson isn't.'

'It's gonna be hard enough turning me gay, let alone...'

Hey, Mark!

'Listen to the Johnson.'

Huh.

How are you?

Oh, you know.

'Stay strong, brother!'

I've been meaning to say, about the other day back from the hotel.

Didn't faze me, sweetheart.

'That's probably a bit too much.'

Dave had to go early. I knocked on your door and Jeff said you'd gone and it seemed rude not to...

In case you were wondering at all.

Yeah, whatever.

'That's all very possible, totally possible.'

You weren't pissed off, were you?

'Don't weaken.'

No, no. Why?

You seem... I hope everything's still, with us, all right.

'This is ridiculous. She's beautiful. I'm not gay. Go for it!'

Mark! Are you all right?

Fine. No, it's fine.

Just... nothing, a bump.

'It's staring you in the face, Mark. There's only one other sex to try.'

'Good old unfriendly Mr Patel.'

'Never says a word whether you're buying cornflakes, fabric softener

or gay porn.'

'So here we go. Watch without prejudice.'

'I'm just testing the water. I'm a sexual scientist.'

'So, OK, I'm keeping in trim.'

'This is fine, typical evening in.'

'Nothing to be afraid of - it was very popular with the Romans and they got a lot done.'

'"How's it going, Johnson?" Aha, so quick?'

'Yeah, some good kissing. Maybe I'm just bi-curious.'

'What if that was Johnson? Would that make me hotter?'

'What if he had Sophie's face? Or Sophie's body with Johnson's face?'

'"Mum, Dad, I'm bi-curious."'

'Yeah, right. The bum. Nothing wrong with a bum.'

'That's a little too rich for me.'

'I just don't know!'

&lt D'you think he really wondered, Sting, if the Russians love their children too?

No, it's a rhetorical question like "Can you feel the force?"

or "Do they know it's Christmas?"

I'm not sure. He seems to be hoping the Russians love their children too

which is a little bit patronising.

I need to pick up my laptop from the IT guy before Johnson gets here.

I could... drive you.

What?

He gave you the keys, Mark.

No, he forgot the keys after the pub,

then he called to put me in charge of the keys until he reclaims them.

It's some kind of initiative test.

Will you walk like some kind of stupid duck

or will you drive like... Clarkson.

What if something happened?

Right, suddenly I'm gonna drive off the non-existent quayside.

I'm insured on my mum's insurance to drive any car. It's freezing. Johnson won't mind, if he'sa mate.

&lt You're insured on any car?

Yes!

'Probably.'

'Who's the Johnson now, huh? Who's the Johnson now, Johnson?'

Shall we open her up a bit?

No! We're almost at the office now.

If it feels good, do it. Isn't that Johnson's philosophy?

No.

CAR HORN

They love it really.

God, Jeremy! That was Mica from... Hope they didn't recognise me.

What do you two do in the car? You don't just sit around talking about what the VAT is on cigarillos.

Of course not. Sometimes he lets me do the gears.

Hey. I've got an idea.

This doesn't feel right.

This is so right.

But I can't drive.

Yes, you can. All you have to do is believe. Driving is bullshit.

Oh, my...

God.

IGNITION ON

Slowly take your foot off the clutch

and just tickle the accelerator, OK?

OK. OK.

OK.

Look at me go! I'm driving! Look at me driving, Jez!

You're driving! Slowly in first gear

Oh, yeah! Come on! I'm driving!

I'm Johnson! Driving is bullshit! I'm Johnson!

That's right! It's easy. Now give it a bit more juice and hang a right.

Right is bollocks. I'm going rogue.

Hey, isn't that Sophie?

Jesus. Yeah. How do I...

The pedal.

How do I stop it?

The middle one! The middle one!

Blimey, Mark, when did you...

What, this old banger?

Right. Mark, it's a brand-new Beamer.

You'd probably like a spin but we're just tooling around town. A guy thing

Right, yeah.

Mate, are you all right to...

It's cool, Jez. See you around, Soph.

CRUNCHING

Oh, Jesus.

Wow. Alan Johnson's Beamer.

Alan... Johnson's... Beamer.

D'you think he'll mind? I think it's possible he might mind.

If Mark can't drive, why did he...?

You've gotta help me out here.

Sure, mate, sure. I'll tell Super Hans to move his stuff out cos you're staying.

Jez, you've got to take the rap.

I mean, you don't have to, but... I have a future,

whereas you... not don't, just it's different.

'He's grasping at straws. Johnson loves that car. It's all over for them.'

'Might as well act the big friend.'

Sure. Sure, mate.

If you really want me to, mate, I'll do it, I'll face the firing squad.

True mates?

True mates. Uhhhhh!

Uhhhhh!

Uhhhh!

DOORBELL

Johnson is here! Johnson is here!

You're such a good guy.

'We'll be in Cardiff together within the fortnight.'

'Relax, Mark. Business before pleasure.'

Mark. I'm a little concerned.

My 5 Series isn't where I left it.

Alan. Come in.

I'm afraid something terrible has happened.

What's happened to my car?

Bit of a problem there, actually.

You see, I borrowed the keys, drove it around for a laugh,

and then I crashed it.

He says borrowed, but really I had no...

Blimey.

Yes, blimey.

Hey-ho. So, you got the new pork projections?

What? Hold on, aren't you... The car,

you trusted... you gave the keys to...

I'm insured out of my arse, mate. Nothing can touch me.

So, sushi or cappuccino? I'm easy.

'Shit. he doesn't care. Mark's in the clear.'

'It's gonna be me and Super Hans. Forever.'

No, don't go because...

Mark, I can't take the lies. He smashed up your car,

he did it because... he hates you really.

You really are a bitter loser, aren't you, Mr No Logo,

Mr World Peace.

Mark, shall we split? &gt

But you two, this is never gonna work,

you don't know him - how does he like his toast?

He likes it in a business-class seat on a flight to New York.

Wrong! He likes one brown with Marmite and one white with lime marmalade.

I'm so outta here.

No, don't go. You can't, because...

the truth is he doesn't love you for your business plan,

he loves you for your...

He loves you for you.

Jeremy! For God's sake!

Mark's gay, Johnson. I'm fine with that,

are you?

Look, I'm a businessman, that's what I am, that's what I do.

I don't want this. I didn't come here for this.

Mark, you don't love me, do you?

Love you? Of course not! Huh!

No.

Yes. Yes, maybe a bit.

I do, possibly, somewhat.

But Alan, it's not how it seems.

I'm 85% sure I'm straight, it's just...

I do have feelings for you and in principle, I'm not against more...

It's just... I don't think I'll know till it's right in front of me

whether I'll be able to go through with it. OK?

You love me, not the business?

I just don't know any more!

I think it's best if you go now.

Yeah.

"My name is Andre, I'm 25, I'm a chef..."

'Not this. I don't want this. Not now.'

'I'm not gay. Possibly bi but basically uncurious.'

"I love beauty, hate arrogance and I love sucking cock."

The bad thing. That was the bad thing.

Right, my turn now.

everything you do