Original subtitles

'Life's all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom.'

'Why do we pretend there's anything but blankness at the heart...

'Hey, 33 per cent extra free. Heh, I am doing excellent shopping.'

'My depressed state is making me even more frugal than normal.'

Mark!

Hey, Jeremy.

Tinned food is just for crackheads and wars.

Oh, oh, no, no. Mate, this stuff is 78 pence a 100ml.

It's first pressing. Want to wait till everyone else has had their fun with the olives?

Fourth pressing - that'll be a party in your mouth

We've been through this, I do the joint shopping solo.

I don't make impulse purchases and am less swayed by the power of...

I'm not shopping!

I came here to tell you we've been invited to a very wicked party.

Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties? Ask Toni.

I did, but she said no. It's better this way! You know, two lads.

We've got to get out there, grooving, doing it!

It's been a long time for either of us. I haven't had my oats in - what? Two weeks!

'Nine months and 13 days.'

Look at us. People will think we spend all our time wanking.

They're homey! They're for wiping up mess.

Yeah, man mess. That's why they're called man-size.

They're for men - men's noses!

Big, manly snot.

Oh, Mark, come on, man, let it go.

What? Why must you have a huge can of lager that makes you really drunk?

What's wrong with moderation?

If you want to get Sophie back home you'll want to get her lathered up.

That won't happen any time soon.

Oh shit. Did you...?

Mm-hm.

And she...

I mean it's not a date or anything because I've got a Megapass.

How do you feel about row G?

Tonight?

Yeah, I thought...

Oh, Mark... Listen, I'm sorry,

I'd love to but, er, I've got this... thing.

Oh, man, I'm...

But this is the perfect time to get back in the game!

You know, two guys together, out, looking for... it.

No, thank you. I mean how much pain can I experience at home with a spaghetti carbonara and Das Boot?

Look, it's 8 o'clock, Friday night.

Most people aren't shopping, they're out right now, yeah?

That's right, no queues.

So who exactly is winning, eh?

'OK, well, I'm here, so I'll just sit here and drink.'

'No-one can stop me doing that. Just drink myself to death.'

'I bet he gets sex tonight and I have to listen to the whole thing through the wall.'

'Maybe she'll go to the bathroom and accidentally come back into my room.'

'And then what, she fucks you? No, she says "whoops" and leaves. Stop doing this to yourself.'

So safe party, yeah?

Super safe!

'OK, OK. Playing it cool, huh?'

'Very well, how about I go a little Oscar Wilde on your ass?'

I always go for the first pressing,

I mean why wait till everyone else has had their fun with the olives?

'What's her problem? This is the 21st century,

olive oil is a perfectly acceptable topic.'

'Someone here's got psoriasis. One of the less common skin ailments.'

'Yeast infection - thrush, if you're thinking glamorous, or just athlete's foot.'

'A fellow migraine sufferer.'

'Everyone at this party isn't as young, fit and single as they're making out.'

'Yep, let's face it, we're all falling apart, piece by piece.'

'Doesn't matter if you're single or in a couple -

you... are... going... to... die.'

Frozen stuff - I, er, don't want them to, you know, thaw.

Hey! You've got Findus Crispy Pancakes. I love them!

They're just so... disgusting, aren't they?

Er, yeah.

My sister, who's a smackhead, I ended up there for Christmas dinner,

and we had Turkey Findus Crispy Pancakes. That was Christmas dinner.

I wanted to kill myself.

That would be the natural reaction.

Can I... have a jam doughnut?

Huh? Yeah, sure.

Who are you trying to bone tonight?

Oh, I'm not in the game.

If I can get my shopping home intact, I'll be happy.

Just like be honest about it. I mean let's line up two naked rows,

best-looking people can pick the best-looking people,

the dregs can be left with the dregs and we can all go home early.

That is actually an attractive system

Yeah, and it saves all having to humiliate themselves.

Check out this guy.

Yeah.

'This is great, knew this would pay off. Talking's bullshit.'

'"Yeah, I did this, I go there."'

'OK, there's a new guy in town. Probably just a friend.'

'Yeah - me, her and her friend, it's kind of nice, really.'

'Hey, that's a foul! Fuck!'

'God, she must be loving this.'

'I feel so cheap, I thought we had something.'

So you work in an office,

and you've got like your computer and your desk...

God! That is so fucking weird!

Well, you know, everything's decaying, so as I see it,

has there ever been a better time to save up for a very comfortable sofa?

'She's a teenager, for God's sake! You'll get castrated by the menfolk.'

'Maybe she's a... Oh, God!'

Hey, love the suit, you selling insurance?

Hey, no need to look like you've sat on a brush, we're only razzing you.

We are the mods.

My brother is such a dickhead, I wish he was dead.

That's a bit much. Pretend you need his bone marrow.

Apparently, it's agony.

'I can't believe she's snogging him already. The dream is over, I am detritus.'

Hey, Jezz. I just wanted to tell you we're going, er, to the Lazerbowl.

We're going to the Lazerbowl?

Me and Valerie were going to kill her brother but we thought the Lazerbowl would be more fun.

Me, you and Valerie are going to the Lazerbowl?

I hadn't thought you would be, er,...

Maybe I'll see you later, at home?

Do you think... ? Would you mind taking the shopping?

I left some stuff in the freezer compartment.

Maybe I could bring someone along.

Er, I mean... I guess.

I'll call Toni! This is perfect.

I'll just say "Hey, me Mark and Valerie are off down the Lazerbowl,

do you want a piece of the action?" She'll be "Hell, yeah, why not?"

You think so?

He was all "D'you want a piece of the action?" I was all "Hell, yeah!"

I mean this is definitely not the rehearsal.

Why not go to the Lazerbowl with the kid next door? I mean why the..?

'I must take Jeremy's advice more often.'

'I'm on a date with a teenage goth smoking pot in the Lazerbowl toilet.'

'This is it, this is literally it.'

'This is the sort of thing people do when they're having a good time.'

Er... Er, I don't know if...

It's good stuff, Mark.

I strongly advise you to toke it.

Do you want me to give you blowback?

What? Here?

'Oh, God, it's the last days of Rome'

Just open your mouth and breathe in when I click my fingers, yeah?

Wow!

'I've been initiated, I am a drug user. Fuck the police!'

This is it, mate, we're having it. Super-nice!

Jezz, the faces, the faces.

I feel... strange.

Do you? Follow the fingers, follow..

Don't poke my eyes!

Are you getting visuals?

What if I lose it? I'm not going to do a pooh, am I, Jezz?

Of course not. Everything's going brilliantly.

We've got to work as a team.

Let's work things up into a bit of a lather. Follow my lead.

'Jezz is so great, he's like an idiot savant, but not so stupid.'

'I bet he's sorting this whole night in his head for us right now.'

'I could say we've both got huge cocks, might be the clincher.'

This is great, isn't it?

This is so it!

I'm having a... just great time.

Great!

So, girls, what's the weirdest place you've ever... done it?

I had a steward eat me in the multi-faith area at Dubai airport. God, that was depressing.

Yeah, right.

Valerie, how about you?

I believe... true love waits.

Uh-huh, yeah. Me, too.

Er, Jesus - I'm... I'm kidding.

Yeah, right, obviously, no.

Me, too.

OK, so what's everyone's favourite record?

Jesus! What was all that about?

I guess she really likes Sledgehammer.

I mean that is a shit song, right?

< Yeah.

'Forgive me, Peter.'

I mean it's so outdated.

Exactly, and suddenly I'm up in front of the middle-age court

for crimes against being an old fucker.

Right, I mean what's her problem?

I've never heard of Level 42 either.

'Guys, I'm so sorry.'

Hey, gutter boy, you are allowed to hit the pins, you know?

You are?

Yeah, in some bowling alleys it's even encouraged.

I didn't want to disturb them.

You're very kind, quite the gentleman. Hey, spread em!

'Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh my God!'

Hi, Mark.

Hi. Sophie.

Er, this is Valerie.

Hi.

How's it going?

Good, thanks. And you two?

Oh, yeah, yeah, fine.

Er, I-I... Valerie and I, er...

Er, I mean w-we just met at a party

and we thought, you know, we'd come here for a few bowls.

And I'm high, obviously.

How about you?

All right, I've been with Geoff.

Geoff?!

All right, Mark?

'Why isn't this in the bag, she's come to the Lazerbowl with me.'

'She looks like she hates me.'

What? It's eat as much as you can, you know.

No, it's eat as much as you like.

There is no competitive element implied.

At 3.99, I know who's winning.

How can she criticise Peter Gabriel?

With her little screw-me haircut, and all so...nya-nya-nay...

You know he single-handedly created WOMAD?

'Oh, God. Stop talking about Peter Gabriel!'

Uh-huh.

I can't believe it, I'm on a double date with guys from The Office.

It's like being on Friends.

Yeah, this is great.

So, erm, do you guys get pissed at the Christmas party, >

and photocopy your arses? >

Yeah, Geoff did do that.

Yeah, but that was before everyone else started doing it.

No, that's true, you were a trendsetter in that area.

So Valerie, you still at school, or what?

She's at college, actually.

Sixth-form college.

That's still college.

So what's your favourite subject?

Valerie doesn't want to talk about subjects. She's bowling.

Who do you think is best in S Club?

Oh, I'm not really into them but er, I hear they have a big gay following

'For the worst thing that could possibly happen,

this is actually going extremely well.'

'Maybe I can just get into Peter Gabriel and go mental and marry her

and cut off from society and have lots of sex and agree with her about everything.'

'I'm bursting! This is why you should stick to the little cans.'

'Ah, the simple pleasures.'

'Oh.'

Having a good night?

Er, yeah, yeah.

Nice bowling. You seem to have narrowed it down to one lane anyway!

Yeah, well, it's just a bit of fun.

'Oh, God, go! I'm never going to be able to go now. Why can't I go?'

Yeah, just a bit of fun.

Nice after a lovely Italian and a couple of bottles of wine.

'Fuck! Italian, wine...'

Sophie seemed to be liking it, anyway. She was loving it, actually.

< 'Why didn't I ask her.'

'It's all... Shit.'

'Waterfalls...'

'Nothing. Pretend you've finished.'

Ahh!

Mark, can you break a tenner for the johnny machine?

What? You...

Actually, I think I'm all right.

Maybe a couple of packs of normal.

Knobblies are a bit of a con, aren't they?

Maybe some fruities for a laugh.

'She hates fruit, only pears. If there's pear flavour I'm fucked.'

I can't stop hanging on for you cos I never started hanging on for you!

Well, here's the headlines, buddy:

I can do who I want, when I want, where I want. And I will, OK?

This is not the rehearsal.

'Come on, clock's ticking! Gotta raise my game. Think witty.'

'Charming and witty... and sexy.'

Sorry about that, listen...

So, fourth pressing, fifth pressing, what's that all about?

Why wait till everyone's had their fun with the olives?

That is so true.

Listen, let's talk more back at my place, yeah?

'Oh, my God, I knew it. Olive oil talk - wicked.'

So, this is nice. Kind of weird, but...

Nice, yeah. Heh.

Great. So I was just wondering how you ended coming out with Geoff?

Oh, right. Erm, well, I suppose... Well, he asked me.

He asked you. Of course.

Is that all it takes?

It certainly helps.

I mean I did actually ask you myself.

Yes, well, I was already...

I-I didn't say anything because, well, you know...

So. Valerie seems nice.

Oh, Valerie, she's nothing.

Oh, right.

I mean it's just a little night out.

I'm a friend of her brother's. He's a total wanker, actually.

So have you had a good time on your... date?

Yes, I mean, you know what you're getting with Pizza Hut.

'Ha! Idiot! I win!'

Cool.

So, old seat sniffer, he didn't sniff any of the seats or anything, did he?

That's a joke, a rumour that's not appropriate to...

Geoff's a nice guy.

A nice guy who should...

Look, I'm having a nice time, OK?

You're having a good time.

Yeah, I am.

Good, obviously I'm having a great time too.

That makes two of us. Like I said, I'm having a great time.

'She won't do it, they won't do it.'

'Wow. Fuck you, Lord of Death, I'm still full of piss and vinegar.'

'Mm, doing it with the sexy neighbour. Ouch!'

'Why is she sucking it? Maybe she's practising for my...'

'Are you allowed to say it hurts?

Oh, shit!

I divided them into three piles - yours, mine and don't knows.

Yeah, whatever.

'Maybe this is good?'

'Maybe this kind of turns me on?'

I'm having the Bhundu Boys album.

Bollocks, you are!

You'd never have heard of them if it wasn't for me.

That is such shit!

Maybe I'll, er...

You're not going anywhere.

Ooh!

You'll have to do something special to catch me up now, mate.

'Don't let him know he's got to you. Play it cool, play it suave.'

Oh, I think I can manage that, mate.

Watch me bowl, Geoff.

I'm bowling, all right! I'm bowling fruit!

I'm on another level! I've gone beyond!

Fancy a refill?

Er...

OK.

'This is some sort of test, like the Great Escape.'

'Don't answer in English, just gotta brave it out.'

Jeremy's a musician.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I, er, play the keyboard.

You always fancied one of those keyboards you hold like a guitar, didn't you, Tony?

I used to like a lot of things.

'They're gonna use me for a sex game then burn me in the bath.'

Isn't this great, that the three of us can sit and have a drink together, like adults?

Yeah, we're great, aren't we?

In fact, why don't we have a toast?

To us?

GLASSES CLINK

To us.

To us.

'Come on, someone get the carving knife and let's get it over with.'

D'you think I like this job? D'you think it makes it any easier for me,

spending the rest of the night trying to prise shopping out of our antiquated system?

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I thought they would just...

I've got your number mate, I've got you by the shoes.

He doesn't care about the shoes!

Fuck your shoes.

He said he's sorry, give him back the shoes.

What do you know about my shoes?

We're heading off, but I can vouch for him, just put it all on my card.

Look, don't go.

Sophie, you should stay and bowl, bowl the night away with us.

Er, I don't know. I think...

Once they get the stuff out, we can have a tournament.

I don't wanna be a killjoy but the plastic can't take the strain.

Mark, they're going home to bone, yeah? Don't screw things up.

But...

You have a good night now.

Bye.

'If you don't think about it it won't happen.'

'Straight to Frenching. This is so easy.'

'I bet Sophie and Geoff are doing a lot of talking right now.'

'She can really talk, probably boring him about the Celestine prophecies.'

'Maybe Geoff's bought loads of booze, Sophie could be too pissed to mind.'

'Ow! She's squeezing my... Don't complain.'

'Is she going for...? I'm not ready, there's no action down there.'

Jeremy? Are you not... ?

Look, are you sure this is OK? You know, isn't Tony going to mind?

Tony lost his licence to mind when he went off with A SCRUBBER CALLED LINDSEY!

'She hasn't said anything about my nuts,

she's probably too young to know how weird they are.'

'I'm having sex with a teenage girl!'

'Sophie wouldn't, not with the seat sniffer, we've got a connection.'

'This is not wrong. Just try and memorise it for later.'

'Hm, this could be... nice. Nice lovely neck rub.'

'She's strangling me, she's trying to kill me!'

I can't... I can't...

Jesus, Valerie! What? Why didn't you say if you didn't like it?

My ex used to love that.

Well, yeah, thanks. Thank you.

It was just the not breathing, you know.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God.

You can be AS LOUD as you like!

Oh, God!

OH, GOD, THIS IS GREAT!

I'M HAVING GREAT SEX!

Yeah, yeah.

Couldn't we close the door?

The idea of getting caught turns me on.

But we've already been caught.

What about the cappuccino machine? >

YOU'RE NEVER TAKING THE GAGGIA?!

Thanks for letting me stay. It's just, my sister's in my room and...

No problem, I'll be fine on the sofa.

Have you got everything you need? Should I leave the hall light on?

Mark...

No, right, sure, of course.

'God, she does look great in my pyjamas. That's sick.'

'Why is that sick?'

Valerie, I was thinking,

the sofa is a bit...

Oh, my God, Jeremy, >

this is the best... sex... ever! >

Yes, so I was... The sofa is a bit...

YOU ARE THE DADDY! >

Intelfax Subtitles Joan Margalith