Original subtitles

'I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears.

'Do women wear socks? Yes, sometimes, is the answer to that.

'Socks before or after trousers, but never before pants. That's the rule.

'Makes a man look scary, like a chicken.

'He just does not give one solitary shit.'

'Yeah, take that, Big Suze, your toilet-seat regime is over.

'Ahh, freedom!'

'Brown for first course, white for pudding.

'Brown is savoury, white is the treat.

'Of course, I'm laughing, because I love brown toast!

'There he is.'

Dr J! Morning, Mark.

Sorry I didn't hook up with you and Super Hans last night.

'A wedge of ballast, then back to bed.'

..the Birkbeck file...

'It's a bit like the crusher in Star Wars, but red hot.

'What if Mum and Dad were trapped in one and I could rescue one of them?

'Who would I pick?'

I didn't tell you the good news.

There's a vacancy for a clerk. I've swung you an interview. Uh-huh?

'Clerk? I don't want to be a clerk. I'm a musician!

'You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do the laundry!'

So, is tomorrow at 11.00 all right?

Tomorrow at 11.00, sure. I'll set the video.

Don't joke. I'm not!

It's a damn good company and it'll be the two of us,

Jez and Mez, the El Dude brothers!

It's just...the music is starting to hot up.

I respect your music, but it's....

Super Hans said he's come up with a bass loop

so good that when he tried turning it off, he couldn't.

He physically couldn't do it.

I'm on your side. Every artist needs his patron, but there's a limit.

Oh, the rent

I'm not some land baron trying to milk his cash cow,

it's just... Don't worry, you'll get your milk!

This track is a banker. Everybody needs their "Something Stupid".

Sorry? The guy who wrote that

is probably up to his neck in penny loafers and blue pool tables.

Right? Blimey, what's God up to?

Listen, Jeremy, just in case the song doesn't work out,

maybe you'd better fill this out and fax it over by three.

Mmm. Think about it. And have a great day, yeah?

See you tonight. Yeah, cool, have a good one. You, too, mate!

Bye, mate. 'Workshy freeloader!'

'Tight-fisted cock-muncher!

'Next breakfast, he'll make me sit a fucking exam!'

'I wonder what Sophie's flirty cartoon will be today.

'I should ask her out for lunch.'

Can you hold that?

DOORS START TO CLOSE

'You bastard!'

Thanks. Third floor?

'What's the worst that could happen? She could say no.'

'Actually, it'd destroy me if she said no.'

There is a notice, you know, about riding the lift to the first floor.

You're wasting mine and other people's time...

Oh...ah, OK.

'People like him should wear stickers.

'They have them on their cars. Yeah, great idea, Adolf'

Morning, Mark. Hey, Sophie!

'Go on, ask her!'

Sophie, are you...? Would you...? How's your day going thus far?

Have a nice shower or bath? Why? Do I smell?

God, no, you don't smell! I mean, you smell nice... not that I've smelt you.

See you. Later, potat-er!

'Potat-erWhat have I become?'

'Super Hans said he'd be 20 minutes. Means I've got an hour.

'I bet Mark's got some porn here somewhere.'

'OK, where's today's cartoon?

'Mmm, not bad. No discernible romantic overtones.

'OK, pen, let's flirt with Sophie.'

'Mark's got no conception. He thinks I'm so...

'But really I'm busting my creative balls here.

'It's all, "Where's the money? Where's my rent?"

'I mean, "Where's the rent, Mr Jim Morrison? Mr Keats?

'"No, you don't like the attack dog, do you, Mr Keats?"

'Hold on, I think I've struck the mother lode!'

'What the hell is that?! That is very gay, that's what that is!

'Come on, go crazy! You are hungry like the wolf.'

'"Fantasy Figure Modeller"

'Jesus! Maybe this is his porn.'

'I'm giving her a love-heart.

'Yes, that's...good?

'No, it's not good. It's terrible!

'Think "Crazy horse", think "In your face"! What would Jeremy do?

'Heh-heh, yeah, that's it!

'Love is for Nazis! Yeah, crazy love!

'Nazi love! I'm a nutter.'

'I'm a dirty hobbit and she's a sexy elf.

'She might be, "Oh, you dirty hobbit, take off my bodkin and my jerkin."

'Oh, yeah...pixie ears!

'But that sword... What if she was a hobbit slayer?

'I'd just use my enchanted amulet.

'Yeah, yield to me, hobbit slayer!

'You will touch my magic cock!'

by doing something wicked

'Swastika Love!

'It's bloody mental!'

ELECTRONIC BASS RIFF

So? I dunno.

Yeah, it's just...in your face! It's just...

I don't like it.

Well, I do! I just don't.

Right, well, this is it, is it? What?

The end of the Hair Blair Bunch. We are NOT that!

Whatever. The end of Spunk Bubble. Mama's Kumquat.

It's not that, Jez! I never agreed to it being Mama's Kumquat!

Look, if this is it, if it's John and Paul, 1970, I need money for the equipment.

This is like your whole Balearic bullshit.

One minute it's, "I love you, man!" Next it's, "Where's my 50 quid?!"

I just need money and... Listen...

shit is as shit does, my friend.

Look, I'm sorry, Jez, but this is all bullshit!

We can't let the Hair... We are NOT the Hair Blair Bunch!

'A bloody swastika! That is the bloody worst single idea ever!

'A swastika! It's gone! It's happened!

'Oh, yeah, do what Jeremy would do

'Thanks, Jeremy, you tit'

'Perfect plan. "I want to fax this off", then, "Toni, I feel tired.

'"Let's both lie down on your bed."

'Hope she gets out the bong, not the cafetiere!'

You're an urban, switched-on lady. You've probably got a fax machine and stuff.

Yeah, right, like I'd have a fax machine

Are you from the 1980s? It's like "The Spaceman and King Arthur" but in reverse!

Yeah. No, I've just got this crappy job application. Right.

OK.

Tell me something, Jeremy. Have you ever tried to do the washing up without washing-up liquid?

What? Has Mark talked to you?

Could you clean a pot or a pan

without using a scrubbing brush, a sponge or a scouring pad?

I don't think so. So, you're saying

these products are essential, ones no-one could do without?

Well...you're kind of making me say that, but...

Now, the first thing to say is that this is not pyramid selling.

Right, good.

What's pyramid selling?

'Enter the Pit of Sarlacc, little crisps! She's ignoring me.

'Of course she is! This morning I sent her a bloody swastika!

'Jesus! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone!

'Relax. You're not Hitler in his bunker.

'He was really under the cosh.

'Mind you, at least he had a girlfriend!

'Enough mooning. Let's strap on the nosebag and eat some serious work.'

Does that look like a pyramid to you?

Clearly, it's not a pyramid. It's a pie.

And it's like a big lovely club with free money for everyone?

It sounds great, but... Free money for everyone? Hah!

Look out the window, Jeremy. That'll never happen!

See, the early birds...

are going to find their bird table covered in money pie!

Right.

But the Johnny and Sally Come-Latelys get a slice of pie,

but then they look closer and - oh, dear - it's only pastry!

Boo-hoo, Johnny and Sally! Are you with me?

'Blown it with Sophie. Who is next? Big Suze?

'Never met her. Not necessarily a disadvantage.

'Why don't I get this fucking thing fixed?!

'Every night... Ah, always comes out eventually. Fuck it.'

Hey, Mark. Liked the cartoon.

Oh, I'm so... You did?

It's meant to be me and Barbara from personnel, right?

She's handing me this heart of holiday pay,

but in the heart, it's just...

Race hate? Exactly! That's so Barbara. She's such a racist!

Right. Exactly.

Sophie, I was wondering if I could get your home number?

Just for work. In case I need to swap a shift. If you don't...

No, I don't, if that's what you want.

'She's actually writing it!'

There you go. See you later.

Hang on, this isn't enough numbers.

Oh, no, it is enough numbers.

'Oh, God, I hope she doesn't mind about my balls.'

One step out of line, the slightest hint of maverick behaviour,

and you will be out! Exactly.

If it was bad to do things by the book, there wouldn't be one!

'Have to keep an eye on him if he gets it. JLB does not need a maverick.'

So, anyway, things went well with... I bet he did it.

What, just because he's black?

No, I mean, not because...tsk! He was at the garage at the start.

I know what you meant. Anyway, in the end, I got Sophie's number.

He's the only one with a key to the lockup!

So, do you think I should call her?

I probably should... I don't know if I should!

Maybe you should. OK, listen, if God's doing mountains or sky or water, I'll call.

If he's doing trees or critters, I won't. OK, let God decide. Ready?

Yeah, sky! Right. Here goes.

Your name's been presented to us by employment agencies.

Answerphone. Hah, you see?! He did do it, but for a nice reason.

Who is the racist now, Mark?!

Sophie, if you heard that, please ignore it.

I am not a racist. Far from it.

Er...anyway...er, er...it's good to hear your voice.

I know it's only a recording, but you have got a bloody nice voice.

And...er...God, I just called up to say hi,

and... by saying something stupid like...

I mean, not that.

Anyway, I noticed that the paper in the photocopier was running low,

so...I know it's not really your job, but...

er...you know, so... See you tomorrow.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God! Jesus! I've really fucked it! Have I fucked it?

Maybe it was charming. It was the behaviour of an oddball.

No, not an oddball. A maverick.

You may not play by the rules, but, by Christ, you get results!

Let's go and have a drink. Forget about it.

Have you forgotten about the phone call yet? No. Right.

Mark, how much washing up could you do without washing-up liquid?

I'm sorry? Exactly.

What about our friends, neighbours, colleagues? What?

Everyone needs cleaning products. That'll never change.

Why are you talking like this? That's an interesting question.

Firstly, this is not pyramid selling.

You're doing pyramid selling?! No, NOT pyramid.

I can't believe you're into pyramid selling! No, it's not.

It's network marketing, and it's a guaranteed...

Mark, I've seen the charts! Oh, charts

There are charts! Tell me about the charts

Are you pissing on my bonfire? I'm protecting you

from pissing all over yourself!

I'm not about to piss all over myself.

I'm...I'm pissing into the big time!

You are still coming to the interview. Yeah, well...

Jeremy, you don't understand. Nothing you want will ever happen.

That's the real world. Your hair isn't red, people don't walk on stilts.

Maybe somewhere you can earn money drinking margaritas through a straw,

but in this world, you've got to log on and grind out!

Yeah, but if you get in early... You'll soon owe me three months' rent.

You're coming to the interview. OK.

'I'll come to the interview, but I don't think I'll get the job!'

Heh-heh!

What? Er...nothing. Just...something funny.

Can you...?

'Maybe she will think it was charming.

'Just keep clear of her till you've worked out...

'I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me sing it, because he's a crack-head and does that.

'Yeah, that sounds great Me living in a crack-house!

'Shit! Shit-sugar-fudge-piss- poo-pants-bollocks!

'Yes! Blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardennes.

'You can't touch me in the Ardennes.

'Concealed in the cupboard. Everything's OK in the cupboard.

'I'm safe.'

Mark? You're in the stationery cupboard.

That's right, Geoff.

OK...right.

Well...um...I hope you're having a good time.

Yeah, well... Hi, Mark.

Hi, Sophie...I'm just in the cupboard right now.

About the message, we'll talk later, yeah? Yeah, fine.

ARGH!

'OK, here we go. "Operation Come Over Like an Unemployable Freak".'

Jeremy Osbourne? Hi, I'm Barbara. Do you want to walk this way?

I might wobble a bit, because I'm still a bit pissed from last night.

I don't want to get your hopes up. I'm really only here because...

Obviously, you know Mark Corrigan.

'Oh, shit!' Mark's one of the lower managers you'd work for.

'Careful. Don't want the job, don't want to piss off the land baron!'

'He looks like crap.'

We want to make sure we've ticked all the boxes, kept it above board.

So, if I can underline the basic requirements of the role.

You'll basically be responsible for maintaining the filing system.

That probably doesn't sound important, but the truth is...

'Shit, what's she talking about?

'Nod, look serious. I'm Di and she's Bashir.'

..which the whole company communicates.

'Great, he'll pay off the Blockbusters fine.

'Plus, I'll be able to order him around.

'Not horrible, just, "Jeremy, could you file this for me?

'"Jeremy, could you take that?" "Jeremy, could you suck this?"

'Jesus, where did that come from?!'

..company can have. Now, do you have any experience?

I've done quite a lot, actually.

Not formally, but alphabetimasizing the videos, doing the spices.

What I'd want is to build on that experience in a professional zone. Sphere. I meant sphere.

'God, that sounded amazing!

'Don't accidentally get the bugger!'

We're doing great. So, I see you used to be a nurse.

Wouldn't filing be a bit of a step down?

Yeah, I suppose it would actually.

Although, I'm looking for something more relaxing.

Challenging. He means challenging.

I expect Jeremy know what he means, Mark. Right.

No, challenging is right, but a bit more of a relaxing challenge.

More like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.

Right.

'Shit, my natural bloody charm is swinging it!

'Got to do something.'

Are you OK? What?

It's just a thing I have. What thing?

Facial spasming. Facial sp... You do not have...

I do, sometimes. Well, I guess that is everything.

Jeremy, is there anything you'd like to ask?

Yes, Barbara, yes, there is.

How much washing up could you do without any washing-up liquid?

No, Jeremy. Where is this...?

It's a unique business opportunity. It's pyramid selling. I'm sorry!

It's NOT, Mark... It is! You're making a fool of yourself!

You're pissing on my bonfire! There IS no bonfire! Because you piss on it!

This is really low! Yeah? At least I don't fancy elves and pixies.

What does that mean?! I literally have no idea what that means!

OK...er...well, thanks for coming in.

We'll be in touch.

'That was a fucking disaster! I want compensation, brutal reparations!

'I want the Rhineland! It'll be 1919 all over again!

'Fuck the inevitable backlash!

'OK. It's OK, Mark. Later.

'Now, calm...calm, honest and mature.'

Hi, Sophie. Hey, Mark. I bumped into your flatmate in reception.

I liked him. Talking about washing up. Very funny. Like Jim Carrey.

Huh, yeah, I know what you mean.

'Get your tanks off my lawn, Jeremy!'

Listen, Sophie, about the message last night.

I want to, kind of, come clean, really.

It's a bit embarrassing, but...

..well...the thing is...

Jeremy sometimes, for a laugh, makes me say things with a bread knife.

He's obviously not a crack-head, but... Uh-huh, OK.

Yeah.

Look, Mark, about the phone message, you don't have to be embarrassed about it.

I don't? Of course not. It's just one of those things.

It is? Oh, right. Fantastic.

And you haven't told anyone about it? Of course not.

Thank you, thank you!

'Calm down! She's not bloody Pontius Pilate.'

Well, you know, the truth is...the truth is, I suppose, I like you.

That's why I said the song. I like you.

Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth for liking you?

I like you and if you can't handle it, you can just...you know, fuck off.

No, no, I think I can handle you liking me. Good.

Right, excellent. OK.

Bye.

Hi, Mark. Thanks for bringing in Jeremy.

He was quite the find. Er...yeah, I'm really sorry.

I thought it would be a good... that he might...

Hey! Hey, there!

Feeling BETTER, are we?! Fully recovered?!

Hey, I SEE you! I SEE you!

He used to have a limp! I mean, he pretended to have a limp!

He's a faking little peg-leg!

Hi, Geoff.

'Fuck you! If you're not doing small talk, I'm not going to help us out.

'Let's die together.'

"Something Stupid" by Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman

you still despise the same old lies

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