Original subtitles

2

'This is fucking wicked!'

'I'm almost definitely a musical genius.'

'Maybe a tattoo, on my chest...

but of my face.'

'Yeah! Double me!'

'Feel it!'

'She's on there, she's on there. Got to get the same bus home.'

'Don't go. Almost there.'

'Yes! "I am the lord of the bus" said he.'

'Where is she? Knickers! She's not on here.'

Hey, Mark.

Sophie!

We must stop meeting like this.

Yeah. I was running. Were you running?

Right behind you. I shouted but...

Yeah, of course, stupid... music.

Why don't you, er...?

What did you make of Geoff's...

'Oh, shit, she's... I should say.'

'No, too late. Already it's too late.'

'If we hit a bump, I can slip it out or keep shtum, ride it out.'

'Gonna need to waggle eventually to keep the circulation going.'

Oh, there's something... Your hand?!

Er, oh...

I was gonna say but... I just...

Sorry.

No, no, it's fine.

'Of course. She's giving you the book-off. '

'Women don't want your hand under their bottoms, Mark, that's a given.'

'"She sat on it, Officer, it was an accident." "In with the nonces."'

'What a disaster.'

Mate, can I have some of your Coke?

'Their brothers will hack me to...'

I said, can I have a bit...

Here, you can...

He's a paedo!

'You're not a paedo. You're definitely not a paedo.'

&lt Go home, man!

'Those kids have no idea whatsoever of what went on at Stalingrad.'

'Although I can't compare my struggle reading it with that of the Red Army, it has been a big read.'

I'm wanting to meet someone like myself.

'That's the opposite of what I'm looking for.'

Hey, man.

Hey, man.

Whew. Now I know how whatshisname felt when he finished the Mona Lisa.

Knackered.

So how was your day?

Shit.

Well, Toni came round to drop this off.

Oh, a party. Did you, you know, make your move?

No, she was going to Starbucks to read a book. It's one of her things.

Besides, the move it's not a whole Sophie uptight situation.

We're just sliding into a... fuck-buddy scenario.

Fuck buddy?

Yeah, a buddy you can fuck.

We're both so relaxed about sex. Last time I went round, we watched a porno at four in the afternoon.

I mean, that's me.

I'm not ready for what you're after,

the whole someone to go to Waitrose with.

Yeah, I s'pose.

'I don't want groceries. I want a fuck buddy.'

'I wish I was her fuck buddy next door. We'd do it through the wall.'

How thick is wall?

&lt Depends.

So which Starbucks does she go to?

'Come on, come on, piss off.'

'Want to go to the shop. Need a pooh, need loo paper.'

'I should be able to just walk out of my own front door.'

'It'd be great if a car ploughed into them. Twisted, broken bone.'

Jesus, Mark, are you OK?

Hi, Toni, I'm fine.

I was checking the letter box for...

Sometimes they get stuck and then your phone's cut off.

Right. You know they haven't got any Alpen at the corner shop?

No.

I said "Have you got any Alpen?" He said "No."

I said "Are you gonna order any?" He said he didn't know!

That is a bit crap.

It's ridiculous! What shop doesn't have Alpen?

I don't know.

'Go on.'

I've got Alpen.

Yeah?

Yeah, you could have some.

'What are you doing? What about the pooh?'

'If I can hold it in... I think it's retreating.'

So here we are, then. Bowl O' Alpen.

It always makes me think of skiing holidays. We always went skiing,

me, my mum, my sister.

Wicked. I've got a sister. She's a lawyer.

'Don't boast.'

What does your sister do?

Not much. She's got leukaemia.

'That's what you get for trying to flirt.'

That's terrible, I'm so sorry.

I s'pose... I mean, at least it's not cancer.

It's a form of cancer.

Shit, that's terrible.

My gran died of cancer.

Although hopefully your sister... won't.

Obviously. Listen, let's talk about something else, something fun.

Do you like Blackadder? I got the set for Christmas.

I never really...

No, sure, forget it. Terrible idea.

I know. I know something funny.

He's been working on it for a month.

Wait, this is the best bit.

'This Grammy goes out to my homeboys in Compton,

the Japanese who mean so much...'

'Hey, Mark's playing my track! He can't get enough of that shit.'

Jez.

What's going...? Toni.

and it's dangerous

'Great idea, Mark. Humiliate your best mate just to...'

'Why didn't we just play Othello? I'd love to bang her.'

'Buckle down, do your time like Leslie Grantham.'

Hey, Jez, you're up. &gt

Yes, that's right, I'm up.

I'm making chicken tikka. Plus, I've bought great stuff.

Dune on DVD, Bakewell slices, gin,

and... Sara Lee.

Plus, you know that 30 quid you owe me? Let's call it quits, yeah?

Not quits but... you know.

I'm just really, really, really, really sorry, Jeremy.

'Maybe he doesn't mind. Maybe nobody minds about things as much as me.'

It was a balls-up. I ballsed up, and now we're fine.

We can eat this in front of Hitler's Henchmen.

Yeah.

Listen, you know Keri, Cancer Keri?

Yeah.

I need to find out for a friend the name of that Chinese doctor she raved about. Can you remem ber?

Sure.

It was Dr Ying Fu Yip

Wang Shong

Pang Fang Wang Dang Dong Ling Po Ku.

Oh, right.

I see, I get it.

You were lampooning me.

It was a simple lampoon.

Hey, Jez, what's up, man?

Super Hans!

Pint of Guinness, please. No logo on the foam.

No logo on the foam?

You don't buy into that one, do ya? The old "Ooh, I've got a clover in me foam. I'm so importan t."

No, what you're doing is drinking an advert, ain't ya, eh? Shithead.

Thank you.

Right.

So you got our track?

No. I've been thinking. I'm not sure.

I think maybe it's shit.

Whoa, hold it, cowboy, rewind. What's shit? The track's shit?

The track's the shit.

Just... I found Mark laughing at it.

What, so Mr Ocean Colour Pants don't get it? Quelle fucking surprise.

He was doing it in front of Toni.

Mate, you've gotta get re-weng-gay. He broke omerta.

You think?

Listen, the whole industry's run by suits like your mate.

Is that why we haven't got a deal?

Course. They're all Marks, sitting at marble desks, ties done up to 11,

clicking their fingers to the Lighthouse Family,

getting their dicks sucked by a big Alsatian dog.

Yeah?

They're all perverts, mate.

It's not who you know, it's who you blow.

Right.

'So Toni scares me. You can have a good relationship with someone that scares you.'

'Look at me and Dad. Oh, shit! Relax, relax, it's OK.'

'You're not a paedo, you're a normal person walking past some children.'

Hi there.

Hey, look, it's Clean Shirt.

'Clean Shirt? Isn't that good?'

How do you get that shirt so clean?

'Use the power of reason.'

Look, I-I know it must be difficult being a kid,

not a lot of schemes,

but I'm not the borough. I wish I was but...

Fuck off, Clean Shirt!

I'm just a man. Can't we just...

Hey! No, no, ouch!

Kicking's not... Don't kick my bum! That's my... Stop it!

Don't kick my bum!

'Me and Toni, Toni and me.'

'When his kooky charm starts to cloy, I'll be there, fuck-buddy number two'

'Great. Wait for the crumbs to fall while my nuts shrivel.'

'I hope they do shrivel. They're...'

What's the matter? I thought you liked pork.

How did...? What does it mean?

&lt It means... omerta.

It means re-weng-gay.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of Toni.

I see you trying to muscle in on my action because Sophie won't put out.

So the gloves are off? Well, you do know what I think of your music.

Well, let's have some more truth.

Cos the truth is, you're a posh spaz

I'd love to know in what way I am a posh spaz.

In the way you always do posh spazzy things

like tidying up and ironing socks.

I do not iron my socks.

Socks, shirt, whatever.

219

'I'm going to the party. I'll get her in the end.'

'I have the power of the brain, the most erotic muscle.'

'The longbow beats the crossbow, my idiotic friend.'

Hey! Look, just lay off.

That's my bit of lager!

Oh, I get it. Are you gonna do me in?

Don't be ridiculous.

Are you gonna punch me, Mark? Is that it?

You just... You're lucky I don't...

You're just very lucky.

You're an animal. You have to keep your tie done up to 11,

or grey office envy sludge'll spill out... And you've got weird nuts! &gt

What?! How did you...?

If you will watch TV in your dressing gown,

you might want to put some pants on.

So I'm... glad we cleared the air.

Me too.

I feel better. Much better.

Like a weight has been lifted.

Me too. That's exactly how I feel.

Hey, hey, hey! It's the guys. Come on in.

so I don't know what I'm doing

So, Toni's friends. Who, what, why and where?

That's the fun. I don't know anyone. These are our neighbours.

Neighbours?

Why, did you expect friends? You find out who your friends are when you set fire to Hampton Co urt Maze.

It's great to know your neighbours. Not just from a home security point of view...

Right, exactly. So, drinks?

Wicked.

'If I laugh at everything she says, I'm bound to get a suck job.'

'Maybe I should leave her to him, concentrate on the long game,

work on a six-pack by Christmas, then...'

'Why should I? We had something going when we were laughing at Jeremy.'

'Oh, too late. They're bonding.'

What's so funny? It's only a fridge magnet.

I know, but it looks just like a fried egg.

'Heh-heh. Twat.'

But if I pull out now, that's the deposit gone.

Right. Nightmare.

On the other hand...

'Jesus, how did I get trapped with her, the most boring person here?'

'They're probably talking about how they're gonna make a porn movie.'

'I could do the music.'

Where do you live in the building?

I don't live here, I'm Toni's sister.

Oh, OK. And what do you do?

I work in the music business.

You do?

Well, that's amazing. That's just really amazing.

Everyone writes down someone famous,

we swap, put them on our foreheads, and ask each other questions.

It's really funny because you...

Anyway, let's just play.

'Yeah, this is it. Paula's gonna love this. Very Iggy.'

No, just drop your Rizla in the bowl

Oh... I'll... Could I do mine again?

We're not playing for points, mate.

Come on, just drop it in, old chap.

That's it.

I give up.

No, don't! Go on. This one's mine.

Tim Henman?

Yeah! How did you...?

Hey, Jeremy, have you worked out...?

Oh, don't go there! It is literally impossible.

Turns out I was just someone's secretary.

The Home Secretary, Jeremy.

Yeah, right, whatever.

We're just popping next door.

You're going next door?

'The coast is clear!'

I'm taking Paula to listen to my work. She seems like someone who'd appreciate a good track.

Cool! Don't do anything I wouldn't do, sis.

Which leaves her a hell of a lot of leeway.

'I am in here.'

'Sis. Sister. Shit.'

Excuse me.

Jez, can I have a word?

Yeah, that's right. I'm going. The coast is clear.

I don't expect you'll get very far but have a go.

Look, I thought I'd better tell you. Paula, she's... She has cancer.

What? Are you serious?

I thought I better mention it. You don't wanna drop a clanger.

No, right. Blimey.

Is it Jamie Oliver?

Look, you're a cockmuncher, OK?

'Course, you can't catch cancer. I mean, someone would've said.'

Yeah, OK, I think I've heard enough.

Yeah, it's OK.

Do you really think so?

'What kind? Blood, bone, knee, face?'

Yeah, I mean, I like it.

Great! I mean, that's great.

I'm guessing you didn't invite me round just to listen to some tape.

'Shit, of course! It's who you blow'

No, no, sure.

I know the rules.

Yeah, let's get it on,... baby.

Barry that guy is one serious power tripper.

He was all over my Rizla game.

'OK, you asked for it, now you've got it. She's looking for a fuck buddy.'

'Gotta sauce things up.'

I mean, he's just so "Yah, take the A304."

I mean, yes, we can see your hairy chest, and no, we're not impressed.

Yes, so Jeremy tells me you two watched a... a porno together.

You know, I'd be into... &gt

That wasn't a porno, that was The English Patient.

'Hah, what an idiotic boob! He's out, I'm in.'

'Now, what's my shtick? Yeah.'

You know, the Red Army shot 16,000 of their own men at Stalingrad.

OK.

And the majority of the Wehrmacht had no winter clothing.

'I'm the tank commander now, Barry.'

Well, you buy classic but classic keeps changing.

Uh-huh.

See, by the winter of '42,

the whole city was surrounded

by the massed 6th Army.

It was pressing... and pressing.

The Russians couldn't hold on. They only wanted to submit.

Mark, I don't just bang anyone. I'm not some next-door fuckjar.

No! No, of course not.

What I mean is, the German supply lines were stretched.

Zhukov countered

and the siege was broken.

And that's all the story of Stalingrad.

'You're a sunshine coach, bringing a last smile... Oh!'

If we've got to do this, do you mind keeping the hat on?

It's just... Sorry.

We don't have to do anything.

No?

No.

I don't mind, I'd just rather not...

We could take Polaroids of me all excited and you could take them away

I am very keen to sort you out, so to speak.

'That was embarrassing. "Not a fuckjar."'

'No need to dwell. Think charming, considerate.'

So your sister, she looks great, considering...

Considering what, she doesn't have any dress sense?

No, you know, the whole thing, the leukaemia.

Oh, no, that's not Paula. Paula's my half-sister. No, Paula's doing fine.

Apart from her idea of a birthday present is a bunch of CD singles.

Toni, we're dry. I was thinking someone should run to the offie.

'I can win on the second front.'

'Perfect. I'm gonna be the knight on horseback with an armful of booze and loads of nachos.'

'Oh, shit, shit! Fuck off!'

'Why don't you fuck the fuck off?'

'Just run the gauntlet.'

'The little bastard will... It's gonna shut as well.'

Excuse me, mate. Er... sorry to bother you.

This is embarrassing, really, but...

you couldn't buy me a couple of bottles of wine,

Pinot Grigio maybe or...

Oi! Look, it's that paedo!

&lt Paedo!

ELECTRONIC NOTES

But on the song, do you really like it?

I's hard to get that excited about.

I guess you're not in the right frame of mind to...

'Don't go on about it. Jesus.'

Are you gonna do more work on it?

'How much time has she got?'

Maybe. How long are you planning to stay in your job?

Oh, you know, as long as I last.

Right.

&lt Should you be doing that?

Probably not, but fuck it.

Jesus.

You know, I do think you're brave.

I just think you're very brave.

When I make my decisions, I stick by them.

Everybody said you couldn't market acid jazz to the over-30s and I was "Fuck that shit."

Listen to you, you beautiful, crazy thing.

I meant the cancer.

I'm sorry, which cancer?

The bloody cancer eating you away.

OK.

Would you like it if I did have cancer?

'I bet Zhukov would've got some booze. Oh.'

Oh, you're back. I think it's winding down a bit now, mate.

'Bastard.'

Oh, very funny. I suppose you think cancer is this huge practical joke.

What? Oh, Jeremy, I'm sorry, I thought...

No, you're quite the guy.

Certainly not the kind of sicko to ruin someone's music career by suggesting other people havecancer.

What joke is next? "Jez, your mum's dead. Boom-boom!" Bloody hilarious.

What's going on?

I accidentally told him Paula had cancer.

Jeremy, Mark thought Paula was ill, she's not. It was a mistake.

Well, Keri would be rolling on the floor if she wasn't full of acupuncture needles.

Hey, listen, mate. I made a mistake.

It was you who wouldn't give the name of the doctor for Toni's sister.

He wouldn't give the name?

So what? So I didn't give him the number for Dr Tang.

She's got leukaemia.

Sticking a few needles in her face at 50 quid a pop won't fix that.

OK, I think it's time for you boys to fuck off now. Hmm?

Really nice to catch up, Soph. See you tomorrow?

Tomorrow, great.

'Yeah, that's the way. Sophie's the one.'

'Toni's Russia vast, mysterious, unconquerable.'

'Sophie's Poland manageable, won't put up too much of a fight.'

'Shit. Oh, shit.'

Hey, paedo!

'OK, you want some, do you? You want a taste of my steel?'

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

in ancient times

Intelfax Subtitles MEREDITH JONES