Original subtitles

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hangin' around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Hi.

I believe you can provide a complimentary toilet bag

with toothbrush and toothpaste.

No, I haven't forgotten mine.

Well, because there might be something else in there that I want.

I don't know, like that little cotton bud thing

that an elf could use on Gladiators as a weapon.

Look, it says "complimentary",

so can you just provide it, please?

With your compliments.

Oh, and, ah...

..I've got a question about the free wine that comes with the room.

Yeah, it's about the year.

What year are you thinking of delivering it?

Thank you.

'LA CUCARACHA' RINGTONE PLAYS

So what's the hotel like?

I'm on the bed now,

in my free dressing gown, my free slippers,

eating my free peanuts.

Have you just had a shower?

No.

What, are showers not free?

So why is that on your head?

Oh! I forgot about that.

I just put it on to remind me to bring it home.

Why would you want that?

Well, cos it's free.

I still don't get why you're doing all of this.

I've already told you - we had loads of loyalty points

about to expire. By combining our Nectar card, Clubcard,

Groupon, Wowcher, Marks and Sparks card, my Waitrose,

my Morrisons and Asda Clubcard,

I was able to book the VIP package completely free of charge.

Hello, Lucy? Have you frozen?

I'm sorry, sir, this is the paramedic.

I'm afraid your wife died of boredom during

that last monologue.

You might not be impressed, but the hotel staff were.

They know a serious traveller when they see one.

It's not Around The World In 80 Days, Lee.

You're only five minutes away from the house.

It's still overnight in a nice hotel with breakfast included,

and it has not cost me a penny.

What do you think?

Well, it's not exactly The Ritz, is it?

Oh, I don't know.

It's got hints of The Savoy,

by which I mean it slightly smells of cabbage.

Hey, it's not too late to join me, you know.

Room 14. My lucky number.

Is it? Well, it will be if you join me.

Why would I want a random night in a mid-range hotel?

Mid-range?

I don't think a mid-range hotel would have

the words "Premier" and "Lodge" in their title.

What's that door behind you?

Oh, I don't know, actually.

Well, open it.

It might lead back to the 21st century.

Oh.

Just leads into the room next door.

That should be locked.

Luckily, it's empty.

Otherwise, someone could have walked in and seen me

just wearing my shower cap.

That's a point.

I could get another shower cap.

PHONE BEEPS Oh. Got to go.

Battery's low, and I forgot to bring my charger.

Ah. You mean you want to go so you can watch TV

and shove free peanuts in your mouth?

KNOCK AT DOOR Nope.

It's because I want to spend the night with another woman.

I know that's definitely not true. Why?

Because you just said you weren't paying for anything.

One bottle of wine and one overnight bag.

Who the hell's that?

The company sent the wrong escort.

I asked for Naughty Nurse - they've sent Cheeky Chambermaid.

What?!

Relax. It's just room service, but thanks for the trust.

Anyway, I'll speak to you tomorrow,

if I'm not a wrung-out husk of sexual exhaustion.

I'm not a chambermaid, sir. I am a member of Guest Liaison Services.

Well, could you liaise with someone to sort out that connecting door?

Because it's not locked.

Oh. Apologies, sir.

I must have missed it on my morning inspection.

I'll get that seen to.

Well, actually, erm...

..Janet, it has caused me quite considerable inconvenience.

How? Well, it's hard to actually put into words,

but I'm sure a complimentary bag of cheese and onion crisps

will help quell the distress.

Ah, you're the gentleman with all those different loyalty points,

aren't you, sir?

Oh. Word's got around about me, has it?

Oh, yes.

Toothpaste and a mini shaving kit. Is that all?

I could throw in a few tampons.

Are they complimentary?

Just for clarity, sir,

you have now claimed every single complimentary goods or

services that the hotel provides.

If you require anything else, the minibar is fully stocked.

I'm fine. Thanks.

I'm not remortgaging my house for a Fun Size Mars Bar

or a mini can of Tizer.

I'm quite happy with the free coffee and the free peanuts.

Free peanuts?

Yeah. In the basket, in the wardrobe.

Oh, sir, the snack basket is actually part of the minibar.

There is a price list clearly displayed.

Where?

Oh, silly me. It was staring me in the face all along!

Six quid for a packet of peanuts?

It'll be put on your credit card, sir.

No, it won't, because I haven't actually eaten them.

Well, that's interesting because there seems to be

quite a few peanuts on your bed, sir.

Yeah, well, I brought them from home.

If the minibar peanuts are eaten,

then the cleaners will make a note and it'll appear on your credit card

that you swiped for services not covered by

your very impressive wad of vouchers.

Fine by me, because I haven't eaten them

and I don't intend to.

Right. Is that everything?

Yep.

Oh, just so you know, I usually like to tip 20%.

Oh. Very generous.

And, seeing as this was free,

that comes out to nothing!

HE SIGHS

I mean, stealing a bag of peanuts,

it's not a major crime, is it?

Well, unless they're assaulted peanuts.

Oh, even without an audience, I'm hilarious.

Ah. Better view from this room.

And it comes with a free bottle of perfume,

and a...brush.

TOILET FLUSHES

SHE SIGHS

What the hell?

Where are the peanuts?!

PHONE RINGS

Hmm.

Hello?

MAN: Hi, Ava. It's me, Harvey.

Your number didn't come up.

I'm phoning from work.

Are you, ah, at the hotel?

Yeah. You booked us quite a seedy one.

Mm!

Well, if you don't like seedy, you met me on the wrong app.

Don't worry. I'm not here to look at the decor.

Well, maybe the ceiling.

Well, I'm just finishing work. It's only round the corner,

so I'll be about ten minutes. Meet me in the bar.

You'll recognise me from my profile picture.

Except I'll have clothes on.

Not for long, I hope.

Bye!

SHE CLEARS THROAT

KNOCK AT DOOR

Who is it?

It's a member of Guest Liaison Services.

Sorry to disturb you.

I just wanted to apologise about your interconnecting door

not being locked, which it now is.

Oh, that's fine. I didn't even notice.

But while you're here, I did notice an issue with the minibar.

The peanuts are missing.

Oh, that's odd.

I filled those snack baskets myself this morning.

Do you mind if I quickly check? Mm-hm.

It's over here.

That's weird. I'm sure there were peanuts in there this morning.

DOOR SQUEAKS

Well, I haven't eaten them, if that's what you mean.

Oh, no, of course not, madam.

I'll have the peanuts replaced.

Oh, before you go, can I get some ice for the champagne?

Yes, there's an ice machine in the corridor.

I'll show you.

KEYS JANGLE

DOOR LOCKS

HE SIGHS

Why would she lock it just to go and get some ice?!

No-one's going to break in.

And you can't count me - I'm trying to break out.

TRAFFIC SOUNDS

Well, it's only one floor up.

Even if I fell, sprained ankle at most.

Well,

maybe broken, but at least the police wouldn't be able to

fit the ankle tag over the cast.

KEY TURNS IN DOOR

KNOCK AT DOOR

One minute!

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Come in!

Hello.

I could've sworn I booked a room with a balcony.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, please.

Oh...

I couldn't help notice you were hanging outside the window, sir.

Yes. And, ah, there's a very good reason for that.

I was just trying to clean the dirty mark off that glass.

We don't advise our guests climb outside the windows, sir.

Oh, I didn't see a sign.

Is it in the drawer with the minibar prices?

So how can I help you?

I just wanted to let you know that I've now locked

the interconnecting door a few minutes ago.

I did knock, but, erm, you weren't here.

You were, erm, somewhere else.

In the bathroom.

Is that right? Yep.

Just so you know...

..I can see your nuts.

Well, I was hanging on for dear life.

These nuts.

They are your nuts, aren't they, sir?

I mean, who else's could they possibly be?

Exactly.

I'm a bit confused, actually,

because I thought you said you weren't going to eat

your minibar nuts. I'm not.

So why did I just get these out of your pocket?

I was just looking at the ingredients.

I like something to read on the loo.

"Ingredients - peanuts."

Not really a page-turner, is it?

Anything else?

Phew.

'LA CUCARACHA' RINGTONE PLAYS

RINGTONE GETS LOUDER

Who the hell is this phone?

LUCY: Oh, it's me again.

I just wanted to apologise for earlier.

I feel bad that you're there all by yourself.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

Who am I?

Who the hell are you?

My name's Ava.

And what exactly are you doing answering my husband's bloody phone?

Put him on.

Look, I don't exactly know what's going... Right this second.

I'm warning you.

Where the hell is my husband?

Look, if you just shut up for a moment and let me explain.

Don't you bloody dare tell me to shut up!

OK, I'll tell you what.

How about you take a deep breath and call me back

in a moment, once you've calmed down.

Where the hell is my phone?!

Oh.

PHONE RINGS

KNOCK AT DOOR

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Hello.

Hi.

Erm, this is going to sound a bit weird,

erm, but I'm in the room next door.

Ah, it's not that weird. It's a hotel. It happens.

And, ah, the thing is I've... I've lost my phone

and when I called it, it seemed to be ringing from in here.

I didn't hear anything.

I was actually watching a TV show - about ringtones, actually.

So you've not got my phone?

Nope.

Just this, ah, empty packet of peanuts.

Although they don't cost peanuts. They should be called "expensives".

Mm, see, it's very strange.

One minute I'm using my phone and the next it's gone,

almost as if someone had been in my room.

Well, the only person that keeps coming

in and out of these rooms is that woman, isn't it? Janet.

Y-you think she took it?

I'm saying she might have taken it.

I mean, you hear about these things all the time, don't you?

Do you? Well, I've just said it twice.

They have whole TV shows about it.

When Chambermaids Turn Bad.

Is that on after The World's Greatest Ringtones?

It's very weird because I also found a phone in my room.

Oh. It's not mine.

I never said it was yours.

The one I found belongs to some guy

whose wife's looking for him.

I'm not even married.

Yeah, my name's not even Lee. Lee?

I never said anyone's name was Lee.

Yeah, well, I'm... I'm not.

No, uh, my name's...

..Lou.

Lou?

Yep. Lou.

KNOCK AT DOOR

I was just coming to your room, madam.

And why's that?

I'm just bringing you some peanuts to replace the ones

that mysteriously went missing.

Shall I pop them in your room?

No, thank you.

I've locked my room now.

Don't want anyone just walking in.

I'm meeting someone downstairs now, but when I get back,

I'll be having a good search,

see if I can get to the bottom of all this.

She's not going to find them, is she?

What?

The missing peanuts that mysteriously vanished.

These are YOUR uneaten peanuts from YOUR minibar.

Is that correct?

Of course.

It's confusing.

Why? Because...

..whose are these?

Well, they must belong to the previous guest.

The bins obviously haven't been emptied.

You know, it's this kind of shoddiness that

can affect your TripAdvisor ratings.

No, I double-check that all of the bins are emptied

by the cleaners, and I never forget. I am like an elephant.

Yeah, obsessed with peanuts.

Obviously you did forget because they aren't mine,

because I'm swinging my nuts in your face right now.

Anything else?

Excuse me. Sorry.

HE SIGHS

Oh, God!

See?

I told you that phone wasn't in my room.

Yeah. These people!

KEY TURNS IN LOCK

I'm telling you, I definitely saw a guy climbing around

outside on the ledges.

Outside this room?

Well, I'm not sure exactly,

but it was on this floor.

He almost fell off at one point.

He was hanging on by his fingers.

Did you see his face?

Nah, but he had awful pasty legs, like two tubes of porridge.

It's been such a weird evening, Harvey.

Firstly, my phone disappears. What, you mean...

..this phone?

What? I could've sworn the ring was coming from the other room.

I almost accused him as well. Who?

The odd bloke in the room next door.

Looks like a cross between Jimmy Nail and Roland Rat.

Where the hell has the other phone gone?

CORK POPS

Let's just forget the phone, shall we?

Something tells me we're not going to go back down to

the bar for cocktails?

Well, if it's a Harvey Wallbanger you want,

I'm sure I can arrange something!

SHE GIGGLES

THEY MOAN

KNOCK AT DOOR

Mm, yeah...

Lee!

Are you in here?!

Ah. Peanuts on the bed.

Definitely his room.

Although I should check for wee on the loo seat

and make doubly sure.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Can I help you, madam?

Yes. I'm looking for my husband.

Husband?

Oh. No, the gentleman in this room is unmarried.

And he told you that?

Ah, no, but I heard him tell the very attractive woman

in the room next door that he wasn't married.

BANGING, MUSIC PLAYING

He was really insistent on that point.

MOANING AND LAUGHING

Mm, mm, mm, mm!

KNOCK AT DOOR

You've got to be kidding me.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Who the hell is that?! Oh, just ignore it.

Someone's probably got the wrong room.

Oh, yeah, well that would be in keeping with this weird day.

People knocking on the wrong door, women ringing the wrong mobiles

and wives wrongly telling me to lay off their husbands.

What woman?

Oh, I found a phone in this room,

and the woman calling it clearly thought I was in here with

someone who shouldn't be.

Oh, my God!

She's found me!

Who has?

Oh! Are you telling me that you've got a wife?

Well, you say wife - soon to be widow, once she gets hold of me!

Oh, my God, I don't believe this.

Do you know, I lost my phone yesterday, and now I know where.

You lost it in this room?

Well, it's not exactly the first time I've used this hotel room.

I'm... I'm a bit of a regular.

Is this your shag pad?!

I've got loyalty points.

One more night and I get a free gift from the minibar.

And I'm going for the peanuts. Have you seen the price of them?

KNOCK AT DOOR

It's a woman, and she does not look happy.

She must have used the find-the-phone app thing.

Get rid of her! I'll hide.

What... She's bound to look in there!

Only a moron hides in a wardrobe.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

It's only one floor up.

Even if I fell, it's a sprained ankle at worst.

Well, close it.

I meant the curtain.

Hello.

Where is he?

Who? You know damn well who.

My husband.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I'm here on my own. Oh, yeah?

Always drink champagne from two glasses, do you?

And you obviously don't know him very well.

Otherwise it would be one glass of champagne

and one can of Irn Bru.

He likes to burp the alphabet as a party trick.

Oh!

So where the hell is he?!

OK. Well, then, if you can't find your husband,

how about we take a good look for him together, then, shall we?

Is he behind the curtain?

Apparently not.

Shall we look under the bed?

Oh, no monsters, no cheating hubby.

Maybe the Scarlet Pimpernel is in the bathroom...

Oh, no, not there.

Unless he flushed himself down the toilet.

Oh, dear!

He doesn't appear to be anywhere, does he?

Oh, but there is one more place, isn't there?

We haven't checked the obvious,

the hiding place of all good 1970s farces, the old classic.

Is your randy rogue of a husband in the wardrobe?

Let's take a look.

Hello!

Am I right in saying this lift isn't working?

If I could just have a moment to explain.

So...

..I have never seen this woman before in my life,

but the connecting door between our rooms wasn't locked

so I came through thinking no-one was in here.

But it turns out YOU were in here.

So I tried to get out, but you had locked the door

so I went out through the window instead.

But I accidentally took your phone and left mine here,

so when you went out I tried to get back in to swap the phones

round by sneaking back through the window,

like the Milk Tray advert man -

which you probably don't remember because you're far too young,

and you're too young as well to remember, darling.

You look great, by the way. Have you done something with your hair?

And then you came back with Mr Loverman,

so I hid in the wardrobe,

and I only did any of this in the first place just so

I could steal your peanuts!

I knew it!

So if this is all true, where's this lover man?

That is not my wife.

See?

I think someone owes me an apology.

Maybe something for later.

I'd never cheat on you, Lucy. You know that.

So he's not a widow?

Oh, I wouldn't go that far.

Shall I charge �6 to your credit card, sir?

Make it 12.

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hangin' around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

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