Original subtitles

First positions, please.

I can't believe we're going to be extras on a TV show.

It's all right for you. You look all right. I look like Chris Evans as Shag

Spock.

And action.

We're not going out. Not staying in.

Hanging around with my head in a spin. But there is no need to scream and

We're not going out.

We are...

You have prepared a mighty feast for my visit, King Rathbain. Your hospitality

is appreciated.

Our people have been at war for many generations.

Too much blood has been spilled. Aye, on both sides, and for naught.

It is why I have accepted your invitation to negotiate peace.

This is a beautiful land, with abundant charms.

We should share it as brothers, not enemies.

To your health, King Brunwen.

More honey mead, my lord? You would intoxicate me and have me agree

disadvantageous terms?

No, my lord. Or worse, throw my drunken body from this most highest of turrets?

I can assure you our intentions are only pure.

Oh, for God's sake, what's the bloody problem?

What the hell was that?

It's so easy, it's her first date.

It's not her, you.

You were staring directly at the camera.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

That threw me a bit.

I wondered why that guy with the big ears was staring at me, but it was just

reflection in the lens.

Stooky!

What's this guy supposed to be doing? He crosses the hall, considers a piece of

fruit and then exits.

Sorry, he's never done this before.

Never been on a TV set?

Or considered a piece of fruit.

Which agency are these two from? Um, we're not actually with an agency.

My friend works in the make -up department. She got us the job.

Well, that's OK.

I got to be the director by entering a competition in the Beano.

Really?

Sorted out?

Mm -hm.

Just one thing. Oh, God.

Thinking about it, I do wonder if Eldorf would actually pass by so quickly. I

think he would stop and listen to his king.

Who's Eldorf?

My carrot.

You know, your background's half number two.

I know.

but I've been doing some work on my backstory.

He comes from a family of poor cobblers, but his real ambition is to serve the

king, like his grandfather, the great Elfin warlord, Big Ears.

No, the backstory is there was supposed to be an animal being led on in the

background instead of you, but we couldn't get the licence for a pig.

So your backstory is you stand at the back.

What the hell's all this panicking about?

I've got a voiceover for B &Q at three.

I am sorry, Brian.

And while we're at it, what's this muck you've got us drinking?

That's cold tea.

I know it's cold tea, darling. I'm an actor from the RSC.

I was drinking cold tea when you were at your mother's tit.

I am sure that we can do something to make that more palatable for you, Brian.

Mum could give you a splash of milk.

Please remind the supporting artists of the on -set etiquette.

Please don't address the actors directly.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can you tell him I'm sorry?

And the other thing.

Please don't make eye contact with the actors either.

Really? Or you can disrupt their focus.

Are they gay?

Are they homophobic?

And where the hell's my passion fruit humbongo?

Sort it out.

Okay, guys, let's reset, please.

Actors, what are we like?

You're not an actor. You're elf number two. Behave.

We put you in charge.

Well, I am elf number one. So?

So, number one is bigger than number two.

You sure about that, Carol Vorderman?

It means my part is more important.

Rubbish. And you won't be more important when I get noticed.

Want to hear a true story?

Nope.

A person once got their big break in the film industry just by going to the

office of George Lucas to fix the door. Wasn't even an actor at the time, just a

humble carpenter.

Do you know what his name was?

Jesus. Good guess, but no.

It was actually none other than Harrison Ford.

And you think you can do what Harrison Ford did?

Why not?

Well, maybe you can start by putting up those shelves in the garage.

You're just an extra in the background. You're not an actor.

I know, but how hard can it be?

Bloody chimpanzee could do it.

In fact, one did for Robbie Williams.

All you've got to do is learn a few lines and remember not to get drunk.

What?

See Mr No Eye Contact over there?

I googled him earlier. He almost ruined his career by always being drunk on set.

He looks OK to me.

That's because he had to go on the wagon a few years ago.

Before then, he was known as the bad boy of the theatre.

A bit like me.

What? I once got thrown out of Sister Act the Musical for taking in a pot

noodle.

Just try and show some professionalism.

Oh, my God, it's you!

Hello!

I am a huge fan.

I'm sorry, I know this isn't really the done thing, but could I have a selfie?

I'm sorry, no, you can't.

But you can have an Elfie.

I loved you on My Grandma's Sofa. Yeah, you weren't so bad yourself.

My Grandma's Sofa was the name of a TV series I did.

Never heard of it.

Excellent fake nose, by the way.

Maybe a bit more goblin than elf, but very realistic.

Bloody actors.

A minute ago, you were one.

Yeah, but I'm not like him. He's too full of himself.

Sorry, full of him elf.

All right, so it's not funny when I say it.

Best provision!

OK, we're ready to go again.

Oh, now remember, nice and quick across the back of the set and straight out of

shot as quick as possible. Yeah, I do still think that Eldorf wouldn't pass by

so quickly, cos I've been thinking. You know the thing about Eldorf?

Eldorf? Is that he's in charge of tonight's banquet.

Mm -hm. Is he? Yeah.

So he's 100 % focused on what happens in the kitchen. He has to get there really

quickly.

Interesting.

Um, what do you think the king's kitchen looks like?

It just helps if I can picture it. It's what all the greats would do.

Hoffman, Day -Lewis, Van Damme.

It doesn't really matter.

Just imagine your own kitchen.

You'd have to. I don't think he's ever seen it.

All that matters is that Elfdorf... Eldorf. ...is in a real rush.

He has the quickest of looks at the fruit in the basket of elf number one,

most important elf.

Not in charge of the kitchen, though, is she?

And then he exits very quickly because he is very important and has to keep an

eye on that food preparation.

I like it. And in fact, if he's in charge, you could sort of call him elf

one. Would you like?

In the credits.

Background elves don't get a credit.

All right, then on your clipboard.

Elf number one it is.

Wanker.

Correction, wanker number one.

You have prepared a mighty feast for my visit, King Rathbain. Your hospitality

is appreciated.

Our people have been at war for many generations.

Too much blood has been spilled. Aye, on both sides, and for naught.

Which is why I have accepted your invitation to negotiate peace.

This is a beautiful land, with abundant charms.

We should share it as brothers, not enemies.

To your health, King Brunwin.

More honey mead, my lord?

You would intoxicate me and have me agree disadvantageous terms?

No, my lord.

For what?

Throw my drunken body from this most highest of turrets? I can assure you

What the hell is it now?

Snoopy!

Lose the bloody elf!

Thank you for bringing so much to the role of Elfdorf. Elfdorf?

But we won't be needing you for this scene after all.

You mean I'm fired?

No, no, no, not fired. Just shelf.

Elf on a shelf?

Don't worry. We still need you this afternoon for the lovely big crowd thing

walking away from the castle.

Oh, but that's 200 of us shot from behind. You'll hardly be able to see me.

That's the plan, yeah.

So, would you just like to make your way back to the holding room?

Um, I'm assuming I can stay.

I'm not really with him.

Oh. Sorry, I don't think we've met. I'm Lee. We gestated three children

together.

Of course you can stay. You were wonderful.

Oh, thank you.

I was once in the school nativity.

I played a sheep, but my mum said I stole the show.

Sophia, who should this elf show a basket to now that this elf won't be

How about me?

She passes by, I spot the attractive young elf, beckon her over and I sample

soft fruit.

Feels like something my character would do.

Oh, I bet it is.

If anyone's squeezing those kumquats, it should be me.

Why is he still here?

Is it this way?

OK, fine.

Let's do that.

Position!

So, sweet maiden, what do we call you?

Off limits!

mighty peace for my visit, King Rathbain. Your hospitality is

Our people have been at war for many generations.

Too much blood has been spilled. Aye, on both sides, and for naught.

It is why I have accepted your invitation to negotiate peace.

This is a beautiful land with abundant charms.

We should share it as brothers, not enemies.

To your health.

King Brumwen.

More holly mead, my lord? You would intoxicate me and have me agree to some

advantageous terms?

Oh, my lord. For what?

Throw my drunken body from this, the most highest of turrets? I can assure

our intentions are only pure, Brumwen. Then be gone, servant.

Fire, water, and all.

Now to terms.

Bloody hell!

They shoot scenes quicker on Wallace and f***ing Gromit.

Sophie! Get him off this studio lot right now.

Slight change of plan.

We're not going to need you today now at all, thanks.

What about the big crowd thing?

Well, the director's had a new idea and it's not going to be the 200 we

originally thought.

How many is it now?

199.

weren't that keen anyway were you yes i was i don't mind being shot from behind

don't tempt me you were incredible

what's that anyone can carry a basket of fruit over to a table not many can

carry a basket of fruit over to a table and be so captivating oh my gosh

that is bollocks

Especially coming from someone as really great as you. Oh, shush now.

Are you trained?

Well, she stopped doing that on the kitchen floor.

No, I've never acted in my life.

Faked a few things, but never acted.

Reset, and let's go again.

Oi, you could have stuck up for me. What, and got us both sacked?

That could be my big break.

What happened to us just being extras in the background?

Well, that's before I found out I was a natural.

Can't believe you fell for that nonsense from old King Pervalot.

First positions, please.

This way to the exit, please.

Right.

Another way out.

I'd rather promise to stay on the wagon.

So probably best not to mention this, old boy.

Well, sorry I'm not allowed to talk to you.

Or look at you.

Oh, forget all that poppy talk.

Can we keep this little tête -à -tête entre nous?

You can talk now.

I would if I could understand the words you were saying.

I'm saying, if you could keep this hush -hush, I'd owe you a big favour.

Is that right?

Where the hell is Brian?

I'm here.

Oh, in your own time, darling.

15. It's not really working for me.

It'll be much smoother now we've ironed out the background issues. That's not

the problem.

It's this chap.

Me?

Look at him.

Pretty boy.

I've seen more facial hair on a kiwi fruit.

Does that really matter, Brian?

Of course it matters. There's no authenticity to him. He's not real.

Real?

We're in a castle full of elves.

You're right, you're on the back of a flying goat.

We need someone gritty, someone rough, someone who doesn't stink of drama

training. In fact, someone with no acting experience at all.

Or even talent.

Hello.

Someone like him.

Well, that's no pretty boy. Look at that face.

It's weathered, it's battered, it's ugly.

Well, gnarled, it's brutalised. It's had a lifetime of cold winters and

being punched.

Look at those haunted eyes.

They scream of pit closures and rickets.

Do you know what else?

I think that's a long enough list.

It's real.

This servant has to poison me, then throw my dead body out of the turret.

which of these two faces looks most like that sort of devious, little, weaselly,

ugly, brutal bastard?

Does he know the lines?

Does he know the lines?

Does he know the lines?

Fine. Elf, number, whatever.

Get into position.

Three sacks.

Let's go again.

How the hell did you wangle a talking pot?

Excuse me.

Would you mind asking the supporting artist not to address me directly?

Or make eye contact.

You have prepared a mighty feast for my visit. King Wrathbane, your hospitality

is appreciated.

Our people have been at war for many generations.

Too much blood has been spilled. Aye, on both sides, and for naught. It is

why I have accepted your invitation to negotiate peace.

This is a beautiful land with abundant

charm.

Not enemies.

To your health, King Brunwyn.

To my health, indeed.

To my health.

I thought you knew the line.

I did.

Then why didn't you pour the drink? I didn't say I knew the actions.

Just pour the bloody drink.

Not now, when he says the line.

Gotcha. Sorry, what's the line again? To your health, King Brunwyn.

When we're filming.

You have prepared a mighty feast for my visit, King Rathbain. Your hospitality

is appreciated.

Our people have been at war for many generations.

Too much blood has been spilled. Aye, on both sides, and for naught.

It is why I have accepted your invitation to negotiate peace.

This is a beautiful land with abundant charm.

We should share it as brothers.

Not enemies.

To your health, King Brunwen.

Oh, but it was already full.

Cut!

You have prepared a mighty feast for my visit, King Rathbain. Your hospitality

is appreciated.

Our people have been at war for many generations.

Too much blood has been spilled. Aye, on both sides and on naught.

It is why I have accepted your invitation to negotiate peace.

Cut!

the line.

Right you are.

To your health, King Brunwyn.

More honey made, my lord.

Hello?

Cut!

To your health, King Brunwyn.

More honey made, my lord.

Cut! Please, can you try and put more into that line?

You're secretly trying to poison him. It's a big moment.

Not honey made!

That was Welsh.

To your health, King Brunwyn.

More honeymead, my lord.

Poor! More honeymead, my poor lord.

Cut!

More lord, my honeymead. Sorry, what's the line? Cut!

More honeymead, my lord.

Cut!

Lordy, lordy, who's feeling thirsty?

Cut! Our people have been at war for many generations. Too much blood has

spilled. I'm sorry, but he's phoning, that is. Cut!

We should share it as brothers, not enemies.

To your health, King Brunwyn. More honeymead, my lord.

Yes. Nailed it. Cut!

Silence. To your health, King Brunwyn.

Oh, we've run out of cold tea.

Cut! No, Kate.

Refill that bloody jug.

How much of this monkey's piss you expected to drink?

We have racked this scene half an hour ago. If you hadn't insisted, we'd recast

it with this bloody muppet. How...

Question the artistic decisions of a trained Shakespearean actor. I've just

six months in Stratford. Oh, is it drink driving?

If people can't respect my artistic opinions, I am!

Uh, right.

Now what?

I actually know his lines if you need someone to step in.

You're right. Terrible idea.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my trailer having a passion fruit on bongo.

So it's you.

Sorry, I can't help thinking some of that was my fault.

I should never have insisted they use you.

And what choice did I have if you were going to stop me?

I was never going to do that.

I just wanted a chance of my big break, like Harrison Ford.

I knew him, you know, many years ago.

Never did come back to finish that skirting board.

Why don't you come back on set? You're the best actor in this show, you know.

Am I, though?

Yes, of course you are.

You've got a proper shouty, loud voice, and you don't try and shag with the

people's wives.

Well, that's my press quote sorted.

So what do you say?

What the hell?

I mean, once you've done an advert for pie or cream, you can do anything.

That's the spirit.

Go back there and show me you've still got fire in your belly.

Oh, I've got fire in my belly, all right.

Almost forgot this.

Actors, what are we like?

Panic over, everyone.

The star of the show has returned.

And so has Brian.

We're virtually out of time for this shot and I still haven't got it in the

So, this is our last chance.

We've got one take and one take only. So, if anything goes wrong, and I mean

anything at all, just keep going and I'll sort it out in the edit.

Understood?

You have prepared a mighty feast for my visit, King Ruffain. Your hospitality is

appreciated. Our people have been at war for many generations. Too much blood

has been spilled on both sides, and for naught. It is why I have accepted

your invitation to negotiate peace.

This is a beautiful land with abundant charms.

We should share it as brothers, not enemies.

To your health, King Brunwyn.

More honey made, my lord?

Yes,

please.

Sorry? Say him again.

To the top.

Do you not fear we would intoxicate you? And have you agreed disadvantageous

terms?

Nope.

Be gone, servant.

Firewater and all.

Stay where you are, pal.

But I must depart.

She's written in the scroll.

Scroll's my arse.

This is indeed a strong drink. Servant, me thinks this is your doing. What?

Twas you who brought forth the jug.

Yes, but I did not know it. It was a strong drink. Me thinketh it was peachy

tip.

We all saw it.

Did we not?

Well, thanks for thine defence, oh wifey one.

Wife? You did not tell me you were betrothed.

And to this?

Knob.

It is not my place for to speak any line.

Be gone with you, foul servant, and take your devilish fire water.

Come on, I think you've had enough, fine jukey.

Had enough!

Had enough!

I'll tell you what I've had enough of.

All of you snivelling little shits.

Look at you all.

Pumps in about with you.

Stupid pointy ears like a barrel full of tits.

Do you think I want all this?

None of it matters.

But I'll tell you what does matter.

My wife moving out because of a few bloody minor indiscretions.

And my kids thinking I'm a total twat fest.

I mean...

slept with a few prostitutes and sniffed Charlie off their gloriously smooth

backsides. You think I fear you poisoning me

and throwing me out of this turret, do you?

Next time you use cold tea, you might want to use decaffeinated.

I can't believe what I've just witnessed.

That was incredible!

Brian, that is some of the best acting you have done in years.

And he went completely off the script.

Who cares?

Rathbain wants to poison his enemy and kill him, but before he can, Brunwyn...

the futility of his own existence and so takes his own life.

It's brilliant.

Just the sort of plot twist idiots who watch this sort of crap TV love.

Well, I'd watch it.

Oh, and as for you, you, you got him there. You

pushed him to the limit and made it happen. Thank you.

Yes, please.

Great. Show him to my office. I need some shelves putting up.

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