Original subtitles

We're not going out. Not staying in. Just hanging around with my head in a

spin. But there is no need to scream and shout.

We're not going out.

We are not going.

I would like to leave this. I would like to leave this. I

would like to leave this.

Do you need help packing?

I thought you got rid of that thing years ago.

No, I didn't say I was definitely getting rid of it.

I said maybe.

The neighbours are going to complain.

Oh, they can't hear me.

I mean when they see me burying you in the back garden.

I was just paying tribute to the greatest band of all time.

Which, to be fair, is what Oasis do.

You know what this Friday is, don't you?

The first of the big Oasis gigs at Wembley.

Oh, right.

We're not going, are we?

Of course we're not.

We couldn't get tickets, could we, remember?

Do I?

Yes.

That's Saturday morning last year.

Queuing online and then missing out.

Oh, yeah.

I'd forgotten about that.

I'll never understand women.

Missing out on the gig of a lifetime, nothing.

But a tiny bit of bedwetting on a honeymoon.

It's in there for life.

Well, you're not bothered, are you?

No, I don't think I was.

But now the dates are getting closer, it's all my mates are going on about.

Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration, isn't it?

Mates, plural.

You know what, Lucy? I'm starting to think you're not taking my feelings very

seriously.

I'm sorry.

Let me clarify.

I am not taking your feelings very seriously.

It's just a music gig.

It's just a music gig.

It's a once -in -a -lifetime opportunity that they're only doing 17 times.

Would have been a nice early birthday present for me.

Well, that's quite a few weeks away.

And it's not like it's a big birthday.

It's not got a zero in it.

Yes, it has.

Zero oasis tickets.

Do you know what FOMO is?

Yes. I might be getting old, but I'm not completely past it.

It's an abbreviation of mother... That's Mofo.

FOMO is fear of missing out.

Or in your case, fear of missing Oasis.

It probably feels to you like everyone in the world is going to these concerts.

They are.

Not everyone.

Who isn't? You.

Thanks, Mofo.

Look, on Friday we might not be able to go to the concert, but how about this?

We get a nice Indian takeaway and we watch an old Oasis concert on YouTube.

That way we do get to see them play.

Wow. To think one day I'll be able to tell the grandkids I was there, on the

sofa with an iPad and a biryani.

Fine. We just thought it might be a nice romantic evening in.

OK, sorry.

Perhaps I'm overreacting a little bit.

Takeaway and a night in would be really nice. Great.

You can even have a bit of naan.

I'm up for it if she is.

And who knows, maybe the takeaway will be delivered by a miserable -looking

bloke in an anorak.

It'll be like being there.

And after all, everyone makes mistakes.

What do you mean by that?

Well, I'm saying it's not your fault.

You know, that we didn't get the tickets. I'm not blaming you.

Well, why would you blame me?

Well, I'm not. That's what I'm saying.

There's water under the bridge.

Well, I didn't even know we were on a bridge.

Well, we sort of are on a bridge.

Well, carry on. I'll hear what you've got to say before I push you off.

It's fine. I've moved on.

Moved on from what? What am I supposed to have done?

You messed up getting the tickets.

I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

It was nothing to do with me. You were the one who was trying to get tickets.

Your memory is terrible.

Or is it just selective?

Go on, then, remind me.

All right, I will.

Cast your mind back to a Saturday morning last August.

We were at the old house.

You were sat opposite me with a cup of tea.

I was on your iPad in my underpants.

I can drop me trousers if it helps you remember.

Don't worry, you're painting a wonderful picture.

I can almost smell them.

I was online.

Queuing for hours for those Oasis tickets.

Oh, I need a wee. Can I take your iPad to the toilet?

No, you bloody can't.

I'm doing the flashback. That's what I said at the time.

Oh, I see.

And what did I say?

Have a guess.

No, you bloody can't.

Correct.

It's in you taking it in there.

The reason I'm allowed to take the iPad in there is because I don't stand up to

pee, meaning I've got two hands.

Whereas you've got to try and use one hand to stop it falling and hitting the

ground. Oh, you're making me blush.

So I went to the bathroom and I left you to watch the website.

We were in position 406 when I went to the toilet.

Yet when I returned... That was quick.

Have you washed your hands?

We dropped.

All the way down the queue to position 15 ,652.

And your point is?

You must have refreshed the website.

I did not.

Ah, interesting.

A minute ago you don't remember any of this, but now you specifically remember

not doing anything wrong.

I don't remember the 1960s, but it doesn't mean I shot JFK.

So how did we fall so far back in the queue?

I've no idea.

Maybe people pushed in?

Online? It's not Matalan in the Boxing Day sales.

I don't remember any of this, and I don't remember you accusing me of it at

time. Well, I didn't want to cause an argument.

Oh, no, you thought you'd stew on it for almost a year and have the argument

now. Much healthier.

Anything else from the past that I've done wrong that you want to suddenly

up?

It was rhetorical.

Well, if you did refresh that website, I just thought I'd give you the

opportunity to apologise, that's all.

And I thought, this would be a good chance to do that.

That's something you wanted to do.

Use any words that feel natural. I did not press refresh on that bloody tab. I

opened a second website to check an eBay auction on a pair of Jimmy Choo bamboo

lizard print slingbacks, but I kept the Oasis ticket website open and I did not

touch it.

You said you'd forgotten.

Of course I hadn't forgotten. How could I?

The look of accusation on your face when you came back from the loo, it was

obvious.

That look.

The blame was all over your face.

If you thought I was blaming you, why didn't you mention it at the time?

Because I didn't want to cause an argument.

No, you thought you'd stew on it for almost a year and then bring it up. Much

healthier. You're such a baby.

All this because you can't go to a concert.

Oh, well, excuse me for my disappointment.

It's not my fault I'm the world's number one oasis fan.

No, you're not.

I've seen your old CD collection up in the loft. Three wet, wet, wet albums,

now that's what I call Reggae Beach Party, Volume 6.

So, what's your point?

My point is that you're not even particularly into music.

Is that right? So what's that?

Proof.

I'm probably more of an Oasis fan than you. Oh, is that right?

So what's your favourite Oasis song?

Um... You can't name one, can you?

Whatever. See?

Whatever is the name of an Oasis song.

Don't worry, they just don't play them that much at reggae beach parties.

All right, so it wouldn't be my specialised subject on Mastermind. No,

would be passive -aggressive behaviour between the dates of last August and

I just wanted to see a band.

It's actually terrible.

Look.

This probably isn't even about Oasis tickets, is it?

What is it about?

Well, put it this way. It's not so much FOMO as FOGO.

Fear of getting old.

Sorry? I said a fear of getting old!

I don't know what you're on about.

You said those tickets would have been an early birthday present.

I think that's what's bothering you.

It isn't the tickets, it's the birthday itself.

You're worried about ageing.

No, I'm not. You are, Lee.

I've seen you pulling back your skin.

Have you?

On your face.

Oh.

I'm not worried you're getting old, but you are, so you've fixated on a band

from when you were younger.

So you think it's a midlife crisis?

Oh, no, you're much too old for that.

Your midlife crisis happened about ten years ago when you bought that rowing

machine and started brushing your teeth.

There's lots of positives about getting old, you know?

Like what?

Oh, I didn't realise you were going to ask for specifics. I mean, there's,

Wisdom.

A lot of men get sexier as they get older.

Do let me know when I'm getting warm.

As you've got older, I've noticed you've got a lot better at stacking the

dishwasher.

It's because I stack all the big plates at the back.

Not all heroes wear capes. Yeah, Superman, you big capey bellend.

I think you're right.

I've been thinking about my age a lot more recently.

It's natural, but the thing is not to be in denial about it.

You should embrace getting older.

Yeah. Sitting on a park bench shouting, hello, Margaret, to a pigeon. That's

always been the dream.

You know, you're right.

I need to embrace the next chapter.

You know, my third act, my final curtain.

You know what they say?

Live every day as if it's your last.

Because one day... Oh.

Have you forgotten what you were talking about?

Can't lie, though.

Despite all your theories, I still would have loved to have gone to that

concert.

Oh. I know.

I'd have been right up there at the front.

So you could hear it properly.

So this Friday, take away in a night in, watching Oasis on YouTube.

Sounds all right to me, our kid.

I'll order a Deliveroo so you can have meals on wheels.

Sorry, last one, I promise.

No, I'm sorry.

I should never have accused you of refreshing that website.

I just...

I just don't know how we fell so far back in the queue.

Well, it's all in the past.

It just doesn't add up.

Yeah, well, whatever. I certainly shouldn't have blamed you, and I have

on.

It just doesn't make sense, though.

Well, you've told me it wasn't you, and I believe you, and that is the end of

it.

But I wonder how it did happen.

Lee?

Mm -hm?

You know how we're being all honest and open with each other?

Yeah.

It's been nice, hasn't it? It's been a very positive thing.

Go on.

I did press refresh on that website.

I'm sorry.

I had two pages open and I thought I was refreshing to buy the shoes, but I must

have pressed the wrong tab.

I didn't even realise until you came back from the toilet and saw where we

in the queue.

But you didn't mention it.

Well, I thought we'd still get the tickets.

But then they'd all sold out and I could see from your face that you thought it

was me.

But you didn't say anything, so I didn't say anything. And then a whole year

went by and now here we are.

There is one positive.

I got the shoes.

Please.

Don't look back in anger.

There's another one.

Say something.

What are you doing?

Are you randomly distracting yourself so you can calm down?

Mm -hmm. Good.

Keep doing that.

Scroll with it.

I'm remembering loads of Oasis songs now.

Look, you were being so honest with your feelings about getting old that...

Well, I thought I should be honest as well.

You're taking this very well.

Some might say. Please stop doing that.

Hang on.

Is that what this is all about?

You, saying I'm worried about getting older.

You know, how it's not about the tickets.

To stop me wanting to go.

So you wouldn't feel guilty about messing up.

No.

It is, isn't it?

You made me feel there was something wrong with me, just so you would feel

better about yourself.

Well, there's a word for that kind of manipulation.

Marriage?

Gaslighting. I'm not gaslighting. slighting you. I don't have to pretend

got psychological issues.

What's that supposed to mean?

Lee, you won't let us sleep with the bedroom window open because you think

will lay eggs in your throat.

They can do that.

Look, I'm sorry I messed up.

I feel terrible about this.

Honestly, if there was anything I could do to rectify it, I would.

Anything? Yes, anything.

Well, there is actually something you can agree to.

Just now, when I was distracting myself from your shameful and terrible

confession, I just happened to come across a retail website and

they're selling Oasis tickets.

I mean, I wouldn't have even considered it until now.

But, you know, since you said you'd do anything and since I hate the idea of

feeling guilty and all that... Now, how much are they?

Er, I'm not sure. I'll just check.

Right, well, yes, that seems fairly reasonable.

Lee, how much are they?

Um, actually, they're only, um... 100.

Sorry? 900.

900?! That's basically 450 quid an hour to watch a man spit into a microphone.

That's not all he does. He sometimes throws his tambourine on the floor and

casually threatens the audience.

And look... There's tickets at the front there going for £4 ,000. So, you know,

in some ways, you could say 900 quid is a bit of a bargain.

Yeah, they're virtually giving them away, aren't they?

Especially when you consider each purchase comes with its own mug.

There's no way we're paying that price.

Right. It's just that a second ago, you said you'd do anything.

Yeah, anything except spend 900 quid. I can't believe you'd even consider

something so selfish.

It's not selfish.

It's for both of us.

I get what I want, the concert, and you get what you want. Stop feeling guilty.

I don't feel £900 worth of guilt.

I pressed refresh on a website. I didn't run over a cat.

Yeah, but if you did run over a cat, what would you do? You'd buy that other

person a cat. Not if I was left with a cat, because the person who was supposed

to be looking after the cat nipped off to use the toilet, because in that

scenario, the cat isn't really my responsibility.

No, but you should still be watching the cat, shouldn't you? Not distracting

yourself looking at new shoes. No wonder you ran over that cat.

When did you say you saw this website?

Just now, you saw me scrolling through.

You've already logged in.

Well, my finger must have slipped.

That's a very slippery finger you've got there.

You've accidentally entered your full name and postcode and gave yourself the

username Lee's Electric.

When did you really see this website?

A few hours ago.

And you've added the purchase to the shopping basket and added our credit

details.

Did you do that a few hours ago, too?

Yeah, but I wasn't intended to pay.

Well, what were you going to do? Get to the checkout and stick it up your

jumper?

No, I was going to talk to you first.

Oh, you've been talking to me, all right.

Telling me how sad you were about not going to the concert, saying how you

didn't blame me for my awful mistake, getting me to say I'd do anything to

rectify it.

And all this time, you had the resale tickets in your sweaty little finger

-slipping hands waiting to go.

Well, if you're going to put it like that, of course it's all going to sound

very calculating.

What do you mean, put it like that? Well, standing there saying what

You're doing all this just to manipulate me?

Look, I... No!

Don't say a thing.

OK.

I won't speak another word.

I'll sing it.

Some might say...

What you pay Some might say 900 would

be okay Because I really love Oasis And there's not so many

places at the show It would be the best gig of my life And the mistake

was made by my wife So let me go Me knees have gone all trembly at

the thought

That was actually quite sweet.

And it's made me think.

Maybe you should treat yourself to the tickets after all. Really?

No, of course not, really, you talentless prick!

Look, you're right.

The feeling I'm getting old, it is probably making me more nostalgic, but

understandable, right?

Everything was so simple when we were kids.

Paninis were football stickers and not overpriced hot sandwiches.

There was nothing to do all day but look through the Littlewoods catalogue for

the rude bits.

You're talking like you were a kid.

You were a fully grown adult.

It was the 1990s.

All right, so I'm nostalgic for the 1990s. But it was a great time for

Oasis, Blur, Pulp and all the other great Britpop bands with short one -word

names.

Nowadays it's all Dua Lipa and Ariana Grande.

It's like being in Costa Coffee.

And you're no different. You and your old university mates meeting up and

watching Dirty Dancing for the 50th time.

The point I'm making is we all want to feel young again sometimes and it's

nothing to be ashamed of.

It's so wrong to occasionally miss the times before responsibilities.

The times before sorting out the bills, renewing the car insurance, cleaning

fluff out of the tumble dryer.

Keep going.

I'll let you know when it's actually one of the things you do.

I don't particularly love responsibilities that come with age

So we both agree.

Life sometimes used to be a bit more fun before all this.

What do you mean, all this?

You know, grown -up stuff.

Things that come with married life.

Things that come with married life?

I mean things that come with older life.

Older... Wiser, more happy than I've ever been.

Life.

Is that what this is really all about, then?

Your life being more enjoyable before you met me?

No, I just mean... Wow. I mean, I thought I just pressed refresh on a

but turns out I ruined your entire life long before that.

Obviously, I don't mean that.

So what do you mean?

All I'm saying is occasionally, and it is just occasionally, I miss the freedom

of being young.

And what did you do with all this freedom that you can't do now?

Go to Oasis concerts.

All right, there was a tribute act in my local pub.

They were called Definitely May Not Be.

They were great.

I was dancing round at the front, having the time of my life, chatting to...

people.

You were going to say girls?

No. You stopped yourself?

Well, to be fair, they used to stop me.

Well, I had some pretty memorable nights out of my own, you know.

I used to meet new, interesting, different, attractive men all of the

sure you did.

But life changes.

I met you and lost all interest in men.

So I'm no different.

This isn't always what I signed up for, you know. Do you think I asked to be a

full -time babysitter to an emotionally constipated man -child stuck in the

previous century?

If I ever go missing, please don't be the one that describes me at the news

conference.

But do you know the difference?

I'm not so nostalgic for the drunken times of my past that I'm willing to

£900 on a pair of concert tickets for just one night out.

That's not what I'm saying.

That's exactly what you're saying.

No, it's not.

Because they're not £900 for a pair of tickets.

They're £900 for one ticket.

They're £900 each.

You were planning to go without me.

Well, I wasn't going to pay £1 ,800 for two tickets. I'm not a lunatic.

Unbelievable.

A minute ago, I was getting told off for wanting to buy one ticket. Now I'm

getting told off for not wanting to buy two.

Who the hell goes to a music gig on their own?

Everyone, when they're £900 each.

Is that what you want, then?

To go on your own, so you can dance around with young, pretty little girly

fans? No, and I'm sure they're not going to be that young.

Exactly. Lots of toothless old women with mono -brows.

So what's your problem?

problem is that even one ticket would be a waste of money yeah well show a goody

two shoes they're called jimmy two shoes and they were not 900 pounds and even

if they were i wouldn't have spent it and only come away with one shoe i've

enough of this all i wanted was a sensible discussion about whether to buy

ticket i actually don't care what you think because i don't actually need your

permission do not click on purchase

Oh, no, don't worry. I'm actually on a completely different web page. I'm

looking at some bamboo lizard print slingback hobnail wellies.

Let's hope I don't accidentally press the wrong thing and ruin everything. I

mean, it's easily done, right?

If that finger touches that iPad, it is the last time any finger of yours goes

anywhere near anything of mine.

I'm warning you.

Well, I don't know how you're going to stop me, Lucy.

Lest you dismantle the Wi -Fi.

Put that back in, Lucy.

I am going to count to three.

One.

Two.

Three.

Okay, let's make it five.

second time in a year that you have stopped me going to this concert. Why?

You trying to stop me from being happy?

No. That bit's just a bonus.

Of course, none of this would have happened if you'd have been clever

know how to use a website and bought those tickets for me properly in the

place. Oh, is that right?

Yes, it is. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah? Yeah? I can do this longer than you.

Well, guess what?

I did get the ticket.

birthday wanker.

No, you shouldn't have.

And in case you were wondering, no, I didn't get them out of guilt. Do you

why?

Because I never did press refresh on that browser.

I got to the front of the queue and I bought two tickets while you were in the

toilet. And then I started the whole process again and pretended.

that we'd got knocked to the back of the queue so that the tickets would be a

surprise.

Oh, it's definitely that.

So why did you just confess to a mistake you never made?

Because you wouldn't stop going on about it. How did we get to the back of the

queue? There must be some explanation for this.

Racist.

You wouldn't do that voice at an Oasis gig.

I was worried you were about to work it out, so I took the blame to shut you up.

Right, and all that stuff about me having a crisis about my age?

I made it up.

I thought if I convinced you you're not thinking straight, it would stop you

looking for more tickets.

Wow, and I'm the one with psychological issues.

One word.

Moths.

You know, if you'd have said all this half an hour ago, you'd have saved us a

lot of grief.

Yeah, well, having a family row, it sort of puts you in the mood for an Oasis

gig, doesn't it?

I wouldn't have found out how much you regret all your life choices, would I?

Of course I don't regret them.

And of course I wasn't happy before I met you.

I was a loser, going nowhere.

I was an idiot with no money, no personal hygiene, and no wife.

But look at me now.

Yeah.

You've got a wife.

And I don't deserve her.

There's something else I want to say to you as well. What?

I don't think I can actually express it in words.

Don't spoil it! OK.

But then I will say it in words.

And of course I don't regret marrying the most amazing, most fantastic, most

beautiful woman in the world.

Especially one that gets me such great presents.

I love you.

And best of all...

I got these at face value prices, so we don't have to pay 900 quid for them.

Good. Although that's what they're worth now, according to that retail website.

1 ,800 quid for the pair.

Actually, these will be much more than that.

These are front row tickets.

Standing right next to the stage.

Wow.

Well, they're selling them for four grand each.

Two hours is a long time to be stood up.

Especially with your dodgy knees.

You can get a lot of Indian takeaway for eight grand.

And a lot of shoes.

And an anti -moth chamber.

It's a long way to go to see a pair of manks.

Especially when you can stay at home cuddled up to your husband.

Yeah, and you'll always be the mankiest.

Shall we tell them? I'm mad for it!

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