Original subtitles

We're not going out. Not staying in.

Hanging around with my head in a spin. There is no need to scream and shout.

We're not going out.

We are not going out.

The stench. of a chemical toilet.

Misery by Calvin Klein.

I'm going to kill you!

Good. Saves me doing it myself with a tin opener.

If I ever find one.

There isn't one.

That's why I was using an axe to try and open a tin of tomato soup.

Where should I put my enormous chopper?

If you mean the axe, I don't care as long as you keep it away from me.

If you mean your penis...

I don't care as long as you keep it away from me.

You're not exactly in the holiday spirit, are you?

I'm sorry, it's just this surprise weekend away isn't what I expected.

Well, if it's what you expected, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?

In that case, I should have expected a weekend away in an oversized wheelie bin

that stinks of mould.

Then you'd have taken me to Paris.

Yeah, Paris is OK.

I know it's a bit old -fashioned, but it's nice of my mate to let me use it.

And, you know, it's got all the original working parts.

The cooker? That still works.

The cassette player? That still works.

The free Nelson Mandela sticker?

That works. They let him out.

Is it definitely safe?

It looks like the sort of vehicle they pull out of a canal at the start of

casualties.

That fire extinguisher looks like it's seen better days.

So do I, but I could still save your life in an emergency.

It looks like it hasn't seen much action and could go off in my hand without

warning.

Actually, I was hoping we could make this a bit of a romantic weekend.

Look at those earrings I got you.

Oh, they keep falling out.

They're quite big.

I'm half expecting a motorbike stunt show to leap through them.

You don't like them, do you?

Of course I like them.

And they're perfect for this surprise holiday.

Gold -hooped earrings.

Caravan. Have you got me a crystal ball as well?

Look.

I know it's a bit shabby, but I had a holiday like this when I was a kid.

Just me and my mum.

I suppose I was trying to recreate those times with you.

Oh.

That's sweet.

Carry on.

What? Talking about your mum.

You never talk about her.

Here's an idea. Can we not talk about my mum, especially before sex?

Well, it's better than talking about her during sex.

Stop it!

I don't know.

We're off grid.

There's no one around for miles.

Maybe we've parked on private land. It might be a very angry local.

Oh, great.

Deliverance.

Have you ordered a surprise takeaway?

Deliverance, not deliveroo.

I think she saw you.

Hello, neighbours.

I'm Yvonne from the camper van across the field there.

Literally just got here.

In here, you all right?

I'm electric.

My camper van, I mean. Not me.

I run on cake.

I'm so sorry to bother you, but I just wondered if you had any tea bags.

Yeah, we're all good, thanks.

Do you need help?

Only if it's no trouble.

Of course not.

Milk?

No.

Sugar? No.

What about a kettle?

Would you like a cup of tea?

Oh, thank you. That's kind.

And this is my husband, Lee.

Oh, husband.

Lucky you.

You haven't got any mates, have you?

No, we haven't.

I like your earrings.

Oh, thank you. They're a present from Lee.

He's a keeper.

Well, I certainly can't shake him off.

I like these earrings. I think I need a tighter butterfly.

Oh, too much information.

It's not a holiday. The camper van is our home.

We like the freedom of the open road.

Me and Angel.

Who's Angel, your dog?

No.

Angel's my mother.

It's your dog called Mummy.

Mother's real name is Angela, but people who know her well say she's an angel.

That's nice.

Would Angel like to join us for tea?

Oh, that's a good idea. I was just thinking how empty it feels in here.

The three of us just rattling round in this big old place.

Oh, no.

Angel needs her sleep.

She's not feeling great.

And to be quite honest, sometimes we need a break from each other. I mean,

know what it's like.

Spending all day together, getting irritated by the other one.

Imagine.

Getting on top of one another.

Just get around to that bit.

She's a wonderful mother, but she does like to criticise.

Don't do this, don't do that, stand up straight, don't mumble.

She always says I should get out more and meet new people.

I bet she does.

Won't Angel be worried when she wakes up and you're not there?

Oh, she won't care.

Bet she will.

I mean, you only get one mother, don't you?

Me and my mum didn't exactly see eye to eye, but after she died, I regretted not

spending more time with her.

I wish I'd never left her side.

Not even for five minutes.

Anyway, kettle's almost boiled. How many sugars?

Maybe I should go back to her after all. Oh, really?

I don't want her worrying.

Not when she's unwell.

But what about your drink?

No, I should leave.

Well, you know best.

It's been really lovely talking to you both.

Bye.

Well, that was a freak show.

Enjoy the rest of your evening.

You too.

That was nice.

Nice? You say potato, I say weirdo.

I mean, hearing you talk about your mum like that.

Well, it's just, you know, to get rid of her.

It's either that or set the fire extinguisher on her.

Why don't you ever talk about your mum?

She died years ago. You never met her.

I never met the 1979 Blackburn Rovers squad, but it doesn't stop me talking

about them.

It's OK to talk, you know.

It won't kill you.

I don't know what to say.

Say anything.

It's fine.

Well, it wasn't a particularly nice period of me life.

I knew things were going downhill when they lost her home to Burnley 4 -1.

I didn't plan this weekend to talk about my dead mother.

Really?

This weekend on the same kind of holiday you used to have with her, in the same

type of camper van, and you don't think there's a reason for that?

Yeah, if only I'd have come away with a middle -aged woman who drinks too much

wine and tells me off.

Oh, wait a minute, I did.

Look, can we rewind a bit here?

To your childhood?

No. It's about ten minutes ago when we were about to have sex.

I mean, if she hadn't knocked on the door by now, I'd have been... All

and fast asleep?

Is

that

a yes or a no?

Grab your coat, you fools.

Seriously, get your coat. It's freezing up here.

If I get a nosebleed, it's the altitude, not my nerves.

Ow!

Watch your head.

I couldn't call this a two -birth.

You couldn't make love in here if there was only one person.

You'd give it your best shot, though.

You know we can control the music from up here.

If the wintergreen wipers start moving, I'll try and keep in time.

You know, it might not be Paris, but I can offer you a French kiss.

Closely followed by some French horn.

Yeah, with my French stick.

Hey, I think there's someone else here.

Ooh, kinky.

Shall we pretend it's a man or a woman?

Please say a woman.

Although she'd need to be skinny if a third person was going to fit in here.

And seriously, is someone in here?

We're going to have to get you to wear a belt.

French fry, that's another one.

What are you doing, Yvonne?

Angel.

She's... dead.

Oh, my God.

How? I don't know exactly.

I was over here.

You invited me in for tea.

If I hadn't said yes, just to be polite, I would have been with her when she

passed.

I'm so sorry.

I forgive you.

Would you like us to come over with you?

Why?

Just to make sure she's really, you know, dead.

You mean strangle her?

No, I mean to confirm she's passed away.

Oh, no, that's kind. There's no need to do that.

I really don't mind. I said...

Are you a doctor?

No, but... Well, I watch medical shows all the time and believe me, she's dead.

Cold, no pulse.

And she's doing this.

At least you know she's at peace.

Well, we're really sorry for your loss.

If there's anything, anything we can do, please let us know.

First thing in the morning.

Have you told anyone?

Only my two new, very good friends.

And what did they say?

Oh, you mean us. Got it.

You, um... You need to call an ambulance.

There's no need to bother them when there's a storm brewing.

I'll do it tomorrow.

I really think you should do it now.

But the ambulance will take her away. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet. But

understands.

We should spend as much time with our parents as we possibly can.

I think he meant before they died, didn't he?

Oh, I don't know.

I wasn't with my mum when she died.

I never saw the body.

I've always regretted that.

Luckily.

Have you ever loved a parent, Lucy?

Then Lucy needs to be quiet, doesn't she, Lee?

Can I use your bathroom?

What for?

Sorry? You know, the unwritten camper van rules, forget it.

Number one, use our throne. Number two, use your own.

over dead mum.

All right, enough of the soft talk, Oprah.

I'm sorry, I'm just a bit confused.

Do you really regret not spending time with your mum after she died?

Or were you just trying to get rid of her?

Just trying to get rid of her?

Well, we can't just send her back.

We need to report this. Her mother's dead.

But is she?

Think about it.

Ten minutes ago, she was alive.

Then I mention how sad I was when my mum died, and she sees me getting sympathy

from you.

Next minute, guess who's back, saying she's also now got a dead mum.

What kind of person would do that?

The same kind of sicko that uses another person's campervan toilet.

In fact, I bet her mother's not even over in that van, dead or otherwise.

I'm going over to the van.

Yvonne's van?

No, Lee, the kebab van on the A23.

She doesn't want you to go to her van. She told you that.

Well, she doesn't need to know.

I'll climb through the bathroom window and you can keep her distracted here.

Why can't you distract her and I'll go to the van? Because it'll take longer

that way.

Why? Because you'll have to spend six months losing the weight to get through

the bathroom window.

And how am I supposed to distract her?

Try chatting to her.

I want her to go away.

Try chatting to her.

I opened the window for you.

What? All the stress.

Set my tummy off a bit.

And I couldn't remember the rhyme.

Well, um, Lee's going to make you a nice cup of tea while I nip to the bathroom.

I'd give it five minutes.

This holiday just keeps on giving, doesn't it?

You don't know what to say to me.

That's all right.

We don't have to talk.

Do you like eating jewellery?

It's nice to be a lunatic.

Actually, forget that.

Let's just talk.

What was that noise?

Oh, it was probably just foxes, you know, sniffing around the chemical

I think they get high on the blue stuff.

So, um...

Ron, what do you think your mother died of?

I'm not sure.

Embolism, stroke, heart attack.

What, all three?

I was thinking, embolism forward slash heart attack.

My mum died of a punctuation mark, actually.

But with her, it was the colon.

I feel bad.

Because the last thing we did together was have a big fight.

Yeah, well, everyone rounds with their parents now and again.

I said terrible things to her.

Me too.

What did you say to my mum?

I mean to my mum.

It wasn't exactly plain sailing, but I suppose you've just got to remember the

good times, right?

We liked watching films together.

Family films, mostly.

What was the one where the family would go on holiday together?

Home Alone.

The Shining.

I love that film.

Well, at least they are decent accommodation.

I don't know what I'll do now without another person to talk to.

Maybe I should go. No, I... I can talk to you.

Someone to listen.

I can listen to you.

Someone to hold me.

I can...

Make that tea for you.

Lucy's taking her time.

She's not phoning an ambulance, is she?

No. Look, I'll phone her there.

We're trying to live in the moment.

This.

Perfect moment.

You know, you're a very easy person to talk to.

Which is nice.

Good.

Because, you know you can tell me anything, right?

I do feel I could tell you anything.

My deepest, darkest secret.

I don't know about that, but, you know... Look, Yvonne.

What?

I don't think your mother has died, has she?

Don't worry, no -one's...

Judging you?

No, you're right.

She hasn't.

I just said it because I felt a bit lonely.

Sorry.

Sometimes I'll do anything for attention.

In fact, I don't even think your mum's over there in that campervan, is she?

Oh, no, she is.

But she isn't dead.

Oh, no, she is dead.

But it hasn't only just happened, it happened two years ago.

Do you mean you've got hair ashes in an urn?

What was that scream?

Probably just foxes again.

Shut up, foxes, we can hear you!

So you were saying, um, two years ago?

Or maybe three, I'm not sure.

Time flies.

My cabavan is full of flies.

I did mean to phone an ambulance when it first happened, but I

wanted one more day with her and then another.

You know what it's like.

Yeah, I'm the same with Pringles.

was just telling me something very interesting about her mother.

Hello.

How do you know?

You can hear everything through that bathroom door.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you everything to begin with.

About mother.

Oh, it's fine.

And it's none of our business anyway.

You should go and be with Angel.

Yeah. Who are we to come between a loving daughter and her mother's earthly

remains?

Thanks.

I do feel a lot better.

You can go back to having sex now.

Well?

I'm not really in the mood for it anymore.

Not sex? What did you... Please.

It was a skeleton, Lee.

In an old cardigan.

With a pair of glasses sellotaped to the head.

Propped up at the table with a cup of tea in front of it.

And she said she didn't have any teabags, the liar.

There's more.

What?

Do you know what matricide is?

What, when you sleep on the left and I sleep on the right?

It's when a child kills its own mother.

The skull had a big gaping hole in it.

She did say the last thing they did was have a big fight.

Well, I think we know who won.

We need to call the police.

Where are the phones?

Well, they were literally just there because I showed Yvonne.

Oh, well.

That was helpful of you.

Here you are, Mr. Lecter, the keys to unlock your cell and a knife and fork.

We need to drive out of here right now.

Oh, my God, she's taken the van keys!

They're in the ignition!

Oh, yes!

Stay calm here.

What she wants to do is to stop us from phoning anyone so she can carry on

living with the skeleton of her dead mother.

Oh, well, when you put it like that, it doesn't sound so bad.

What I mean is, she doesn't know that you know she's a killer.

She doesn't know that you were in her camper van.

I suppose.

Where's your earring?

Where?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I've got your earring, Lucy.

I found it on the floor, right next to Mother's feet.

I've got your earring, Lucy.

I found it on the floor.

Right next to Mother's feet.

Who?

I suppose you saw what happened to Angel then, Lucy.

I'm not sure what you mean exactly.

You know, the fact that I killed my own mother by bashing in her skull.

Who's that?

Well, nobody's perfect.

nagging and criticising. I don't like it when people criticise me.

Well, just so you know, we think you are the dog's bollocks.

I knew you'd understand, Lee.

You had an issue with your own mother, didn't you?

Do you not like talking about her?

Well, you know, I try and open up, but like you, I end up knocking it on the

head.

I used an axe on mother.

A bit like this one you've left outside the door.

Oh, it's heavy, isn't it?

Here, you put that back, Yvonne.

We might need that later to open a tin of soup.

A bit late for that, Lee.

Just to clarify, do you mean it's a bit late because we've already damaged the

tin, or it's a bit late because you're going to kill us?

The second one.

I thought so.

Yvonne! Is everything locked?

Is that everything?

No one's getting in here unless they're going through that air vent.

When you came through that bathroom window, you did lock it, right?

I hope that was a fox.

Oh, good.

A folded camp chair and three inches of cheap plywood.

to deal with.

I told you it was useless.

Useless?

That's what Mother used to call me.

Useless. Well, who's useless now, Mother?

Oh, I hate bloody mothers!

It's always their fault. They mess you up and turn you into lunatics.

Look at you.

I'm not a lunatic. Shut it, Yvonne. I'm talking now. I hate mothers and I hate

bloody camper vans.

That holiday I had as a kid was the worst in my life. And I'm counting this

which is saying something, arguing non -stop under each other's feet. Sit up

straight, don't eat spaghetti hoops with your fingers. And that was me talking

to Mum. Mum getting pissed all the time, bringing back blokes.

Thinking I wouldn't mind. No, I won't call him Uncle Keith. I hardly know the

twat. And then what do you do?

You grow up, you try and recreate your childhood by coming away again in this

piece of crap.

What's the worst that could happen?

What's the worst that could... I'll tell you what's the worst that could happen.

My memory's come flooding back and you end up just as messed up as last time.

I tell you what, I wish I'd have had an axe when I was a kid. Do you know why?

Because then it would have solved a lot of problems.

Don't worry, Yvonne. I know how you feel. I know how you feel!

You're a bit of a nut job, aren't you?

I thought that thing could save your life.

Something the police should sort out. If they think Yvonne needs psychological

help, then that's... Psychiatry. It's for me, isn't it?