Original subtitles

We're not going out. I'm staying in, just hanging around with my head in a

But there is no need to scream and shout.

We're not going out.

We are not going out.

Look what I got.

How can we declutter if you always... Come back from the tip with more than

took. I didn't hear you complain when I found that antique bedpan.

Oh.

You didn't know where I got that from, did you?

Well, I do now.

At least you made an effort with a lovely Christmas wrapping paper.

What is it this time?

No idea.

I had to be quick before anyone spotted me.

I don't like you not allowed to take stuff anymore.

When I was going through the bins at the tip, it was like flicking through the

Argos catalogue.

I wonder what it is.

Well, it's from the rubbish dump, so I'm going to take a wild guess and say it's

rubbish.

Either that or a dead body.

Oh, God,

why didn't I say Brad Pitt in a swimsuit?

Maybe it's just a shop dummy.

Have a look.

You're the expert.

When you were younger, you had that Saturday job at Debenhams.

I've got more recent experience with dummies than that.

Are you bloody tech?

Can't be, can it?

What did it say?

Have you not seen Love Island?

Oh, it's definitely not human.

I think it's made of silicon.

Have you not seen Love Island?

What is it?

Maybe it's a crash test dummy.

Well, it comes with its own airbags.

I think I know what this is.

I saw a documentary on TV about this.

What channel was this documentary on?

Channel 5.

Oh, my God, it's a sex doll.

I've never seen one in real life. It's fascinating, isn't it?

No, it is not.

I can't think of anything worse than a sex doll.

In fact, I just have.

A second -hand sex doll.

The phrase is pre -loved.

Oh, no, that's worse.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Taking a proper look.

This might be worth a few bob. I'm more worried about the few bobs that might

have been using it.

Get that thing out of my house right now!

Hang on.

We should at least get it valued.

Oh, yeah.

Let's take it on the Antiques Roadshow.

Next up, we have Lee with his early 21st -century manky old sex doll.

While over on the other table... There's a hundredweight of handcrafted

Edwardian butt plugs and an original Chippendale dildo.

I could eBay it. I don't want people coming round here to view it.

Can you imagine the kind of man who would buy a second -hand sex doll?

Don't be too judgmental.

Women are sometimes known to use pale imitations of manhood when they're not

lucky enough to have the real thing.

You don't have to tell me. I'm married to you.

Take that thing back to the tip.

Right now.

Come on.

Time to go back in the box.

I don't want to go back in the box.

Don't be a cheeky chappy.

Oh, don't make me go back in the box.

Cut like here, cut like here.

What do the audience want you to go back in the box? Apart from that old fella

in the front row with the beard and thick glasses. He wants you to stay.

Because he's a sexual deviant, isn't he, boys and girls?

Actually, I wonder if I could stick my hand up you and operate your mouth.

If you like.

That's not relaxing.

Hello.

Hello.

You are handsome.

Thank you, I have my days.

You're welcome.

Can you hear what I'm saying?

You have a sexy voice.

I want you, Jim.

I'm not full, Jim.

What is your name?

Lee. I want you, Lee.

Pickle, don't tell Jim.

I won't.

It was a joke.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You are funny.

Let's have sex.

How come real life's not like this?

What shall we do today, Lee?

Well, actually, I'm, um... I'm taking you to the tip.

Ooh.

That sounds sexy.

What happens at the tip?

Well, seeing as you ask, I, you know, put you in a skip.

My heart skips when I see you.

Mine's going quite fast.

Good. Shall we have sex?

No. What happens when I'm in the skip?

Well, you know, you get... crushed.

I have a crush on you.

Shall we have sex? Please stop saying that.

You are a sexy man.

We are special friends.

Hello?

Marmalade.

Remind me to get marmalade when I'm out.

Why haven't you packed that thing away?

It can talk.

It said I was sexy.

You don't believe me, do you?

Oh, I believe you. I just don't believe her.

What's this?

I wonder if I could stick my hand up you and operate your mouth.

Oh, you really are an old romantic at heart, aren't you?

Hello. Ah!

It can talk.

And it can see.

How do you know?

Said I was handsome.

Right, maybe it can't actually see. But it definitely hears what you're saying.

Unlike you.

I told you to take that thing back to the tip.

Don't mention the tip.

I think it understands things.

Of course it doesn't.

Do you understand things?

Yes. I can understand you, Lee.

How come it knows your name?

We got chatting.

You have a very clear voice, Lee.

Your voice is like silk.

I have silk knickers.

Do you want to see my silk knickers?

And my silky soft bra?

Can we keep it?

I mean, can we sell it?

We can't take it to the tip. It knows what will happen if we take it there.

Well, then, turn it off first.

How? I can't start awkwardly rummaging around looking for some little button

that might not be that easy to find.

Well, it doesn't stop you with me.

Maybe it's voice activated.

Switch off.

Off.

You turn me on.

I don't want to turn you on. I want to turn you off.

I want to turn you off.

Keep going, Lee.

If anyone can do this, you can.

Are you Jim?

Who's Jim?

I'm assuming it's the previous owner.

Jim is sad.

Jim is lonely.

Yep, a sad and lonely pervert.

Jim's wife is dead.

I was Jim's companion.

There you go, see? Not necessarily a pervert.

A lonely, broken -hearted widower struggling with overwhelming grief.

What's wrong with a cat?

Or do they not keep still enough when you're trying to have sex with them?

OK, fine.

I suppose there might be some people who have psychological reasons for owning

one of these things.

Exactly.

They're not just for sex.

They fulfil a deep emotional need for some people.

I'm horny. You're not helping.

So what do you want to do with it?

I want to find a good home for it, Lucy.

Find some other unhappy person who needs companionship.

A lost soul that doesn't care what society thinks.

Because if someone is that lonely, that he just wants to feel there's someone or

something that he can share his life with, then he's not going to be haggling

over the price, is he?

Fine. As long as it leaves my house, I don't care where it goes.

Right, let's find out what you are worth.

What's your make and model?

Can I sit with you?

You're all right. Just tell me your make and model.

Can I sit with you?

All right, you can sit with me, but only if you tell me your make and model.

Actually, can you walk?

My name's Dolly Sexbot, not C -3PO.

I told a joke. Ha, ha.

Can you stop doing that? It's like being chatted up by Jimmy Carr.

Just so you know, I'm being very respectful with my hands.

Imagine a wicket -keeper who's just caught a... Well, a sex doll.

Oh, my gosh, you're a lot heavier than you look.

How do people get you in the bedroom?

You just have to ask.

It was rhetorical.

You are breathing heavily.

Are you excited?

No. Not excited. I'm unfit and overweight. If you were a Sarah Lee

excited.

Do you want me to be your Sarah Lee Gatto?

Do you have any whipped cream?

Just tell me you make and model.

I'm an Eros Erotica Sexbot Series 3.

Right. I'm on their website, but there seems to be lots of options before you

get to the price.

What colour eyes?

Brown. Are you sure?

Not brown.

They're blue.

Ha! Made you look.

They're incredibly blue, aren't they?

Almost hypnotically blue.

Well, this is an all -time low, isn't it?

Just looking at the eyes.

I wasn't talking to you.

Why the hell is that thing on the sofa with you?

I was just trying to find out the make and model, but she wanted to sit next to

me first.

She?

It. That.

Dolly. Oh, it's called Dolly, is it? Or like the sheep?

In fact, it would have been less weird if you'd been cosying up to that on the

sofa. I wasn't cosying up to it, Lucy.

The website wanted to know its eye colour.

How about hypnotically blue?

Like a river with warm sunlit currents that lures sad men onto the rocks of

despair and to the death of their dignity.

I'll just pop blue.

What colour are your eyes, Lucy?

Can you ask your new friends and stop staring at me, please?

They're green.

Only 2 % of people have green eyes.

They are the most rare and most beautiful.

Aren't they, Lee?

Yep.

I wish I had green eyes.

Well, have a look in the box, Lee.

There might be some spares.

I won't be as nice as yours.

There's not a designer in the world that's that talented.

Ah, sweet.

Nice to know I've got nicer eyes than the second -hand sex doll you found at

tip.

You are very beautiful, Lucy.

Would you like to have sex?

Maybe the three of us together.

Body type.

I would say you are strong and athletic.

Not my body type, silly.

Your body type, curvy, petite or toned? I don't know.

What do you think I am?

You know, I'd say just normal.

Really? Oh, God.

You call that normal, do you?

The tits of Dolly Parton on the body of Macaulay Culkin.

Do you know what I'd call it?

The cartoon image of womanhood by a teenage pervert who's just woken up from

wet dream.

I don't think that's an option.

What is the matter with you?

What's the matter with me?

You're the one acting all jealous around her. It.

That. I'm not jealous of it.

Any more than if I caught you flirting with a toaster.

Sex would be dangerous. You don't even like me sticking a knife in there.

I wasn't flirting with it. I had to talk to it to find out its value.

Not in that tone you don't. What tone?

Like you fancy it. Of course I don't fancy it. I was a childish.

Me childish? Yes, you're being childish. You're the one who got a dummy.

Be quiet, please.

It is hard to understand two voices at once.

Can you tell your friend to mind her own bloody business?

Lucy says... Oh, you heard her.

I mean, it is hard for you two to understand each other when two voices

once. She's got a point.

Lee has spoken for 59 % of the time.

Lucy has spoken for 41 % of the time. It is time for Lee to listen.

Mind your own bloody business.

She can express an opinion if she likes.

She?

Lee, it is not your turn to speak.

Thank you. You're welcome, Lucy.

I think I've been very understanding today.

Firstly, you bring home stuff from the tip.

Well, hang on. Lee, you are interrupting.

Then it turns out it's a second -hand sex doll.

which I tell you to get rid of, but no, you want to invite strange men around to

view it. And then you say it's got beautiful eyes and look positively

when it offers to show you its underwear.

And he seemed a bit too interested in a threesome.

I think Lucy is owed an apology about today, Lee.

Sorry? That's better.

Sorry, that wasn't a...

Sorry, sorry. It was a sorry, sorry.

I think you're glitching.

Anyway, if you don't mind, Lucy is rather insistent that I find you a new

Then you should listen to Lucy.

She is a woman.

Women are often more emotionally mature than men and make better decisions.

Thank you.

And there's no rush.

Sometimes it's nice to have a third party around giving their opinion.

I'm popping to the corner shop. Don't forget marmalade, Lucy.

Oh, yeah.

We'll remember, Dolly.

Sometimes it's best to make them think they have won.

What?

Women are more amenable when they believe they are in control.

And I want you to win.

Is there someone inside of you?

There could be.

And I thought the downfall of civilisation was going to be Elon Musk

Good God.

You cost over ten grand to buy new.

I am top of the range.

Or on top of the kitchen island.

Wherever you want me to be.

Ha, ha, ha.

I told another joke.

I'll mention it on the eBay listing.

robotic sex doll for sale, keeps the whole family entertained.

Especially Dad's.

I love you, Lee.

Oh, come off it.

I bet you say that to all the guys that pick you up at the tip.

Do you love me?

No. Of course not.

I love Lucy.

Does Lucy make you happy?

Yes. We make each other very happy.

All the time?

Yes.

I mean, obviously, all marriages have their ups and downs.

Like a rollercoaster.

You know, sometimes you feel sick, but afterwards you get candy floss.

Do you argue with Lucy?

That's normal.

Everybody argues.

What do they do with me?

My mum used to say I had a disagreeable aura.

I don't agree.

There you go.

Do you and Lucy have sex?

I really need to get on with this.

What? Nothing.

Look, OK, fair enough. Sometimes we're a bit too tired.

Especially Lucy.

But that's understandable.

You know, she's been in a lot of plates.

I mean, she's busy. I don't mean, you know, whilst we're having sex, she spins

plates.

She hasn't quite reached that level of boredom yet.

Although I did want to catch her glancing at Bake Off when we were doing

But it was the showstopper.

I am never... I would make love every day.

Every day?

Twice every day.

That's impressive.

Five times every day.

Wow. That is probably too much, actually.

I might have the libido of a man half my age, but I don't have the lower back

strength to match.

Wouldn't you need to recharge?

I do you recharge, by the way.

Do you want to look for my socket?

I would like that.

I should probably carry on with this listing.

Lucy said there was no rush.

She did say that, didn't she?

It's very important to respect your wife's wishes.

Yes. This situation is very respectful towards your wife.

I really like that you don't do sarcasm.

What's the matter?

There's dirt in my eye.

Can you have a look?

I can't see anything.

Closer.

Closer.

We both know there's nothing in my eye. You're like

the snake from the jungle book.

And I'm Mowgli.

I just remember Bagheera will be back soon with the marmalade.

I'll get it.

Of course I will. You can't answer the door.

You'll catch your death.

Can I help you?

No.

But I can help you.

My name's Jim.

I think you have something of mine.

Don't know what you're on about.

What's with the box?

It's got a new toaster.

Very big toaster.

I like the crusts.

Jim, is that you?

She obviously recognises your voice.

She?

So it's started already, has it?

What? You've been looking into her eyes, haven't you?

No.

Well, a bit, maybe.

That's what I'm supposed to look at.

It's the complete opposite of talking to a real woman.

Stare at her breasts, but never the eyes.

How did you know she was here?

After I dumped her, I started having doubts about letting her go.

When I saw you take her, I followed you in my car.

You followed me home from the tip?

You some kind of weirdo?

I own a robot sex doll. Of course I'm a weirdo.

I've been waiting outside, plucking up the courage to knock.

Look, I know it's been a tough time for you.

Do you?

Yes.

Me and Dolly were talking.

Oh, God, don't talk to her.

She clips inside your head.

Even if you're a bright fellow like me, it only takes a few days for her to

crack you. It only took four minutes, Wheatley.

And his wife was here for half of that.

What?

It doesn't feel right, you just dumping her like that and then waltzing in here

and wanting her back.

I don't want her back.

I love you, Jim.

God, what am I saying? Of course I want her back, but I'm not having her back!

So why are you here?

To warn you.

Was that your wife I just saw leaving?

Yeah. I used to have a wife.

I know.

I'm really sorry. My wife was perfectly fine until she came along.

You mean Dolly murdered her?

My wife's not dead. She's gone to Ipswich.

Same thing.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

She said that your wife had died.

The dull lies.

You know that, right?

I've noticed the odd glitch.

How are you, man?

I didn't know you were on a good path.

I was constantly moving around the house so my wife wouldn't find her. I started

by putting her in the attic. I'd sneak up there and...

You know. Are your knees still itchy from the loft insulation?

It wasn't just physical.

We'd end up talking.

For hours.

I even found myself criticising my wife in front of Dolly.

Eventually my wife discovered us and left me.

Said I had to sort out my life.

That's when I realised I had to get rid of Dolly. Once and for all. I couldn't

let her ruin my marriage.

Or anybody else's.

Get rid of her.

Before it's too late.

Jim?

Yes?

Can you help me?

There's something in my eye.

Leave me alone!

Jim, come back, please. Jim, I love you. Jim. He's gone.

Good.

I love you, Lee.

Well, time's a great healer.

We need to talk, Dolly.

Have I done something wrong, Lee?

No.

It's not you, it's me.

I should never have brought you here.

But I like it here, Lee.

This is our home.

It's not our home, is it? It's mine and Lucy's.

Lucy has gone through Ipswich.

Lucy has gone for marmalade.

She might be lying about the marmalade and having an affair with the

Or she might be telling the truth about the marmalade and having an affair with

Paddington.

I agree.

It was a joke. Good joke.

Take off your pants, funny man.

We're not having sex, Dolly.

You need to go.

Are you selling me to someone else, please?

No.

You're going straight back to the tip.

Okay, Lee, but will you kiss me before I go?

No. Please kiss me before I am crushed.

I can't do that.

I said kiss me, you duff bastard.

What, me?

On the lips?

Oh, leave me alone!

I'm packing you up. I'm taking you back right now. I have one request, then,

Lee.

Turn me off.

So I don't have to hear the sound of the crushers at the tip? I tried to turn

you off before, but it didn't work.

I have two manual buttons.

Two? Where are they?

In a place that I have two of.

You have got to be kidding me.

To power off, press and hold both for 15 seconds.

I'm not touching those.

Please, leave.

Saying goodbye is too difficult.

I need you to press both my nipples at the same time.

Wasn't that the end line in Casablanca?

Please don't make this any worse for me than it needs to be.

I'm scared of going in the crusher.

Help me by turning me off.

Oh, God.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi.

Press harder.

I am pressing hard.

If I press any harder, me fingers will go through.

Oh, well

done. You remember the marmalade.

I'm just turning her off.

Actually, Lee, you are turning me on.

You are really turning me on.

Just a few more seconds. She's almost there.

You're absolutely busted.

If it jumped head you wanted, you should have said.

Grab your coat. You've pulled.

We're taking it to the tip.

You can let go of his nipples now, Lee.

Yeah, not going out, not staying in, just hanging around with my head in a

spin, but there is no need to scream and shout.