Original subtitles

We're not going out. Not staying in. Not hanging around with my head in a spin.

But there is no need to scream and shout.

We're not going out.

We are not going out.

It's a quiet street close to the station.

And there are very good schools nearby.

Oh, not really an issue for us anymore.

Social services took our kids.

He's joking.

Not so much taken as given.

All our kids have gone off to uni, so it's time for the next chapter.

Well, I've been very happy here. My neighbours are lovely people. We're very

close. That's neighbours for you.

He's relentless, isn't he?

Oh, it never ends.

Ever.

Oh, nice watch.

It belonged to my late father.

It doesn't keep very good time.

Explains why he was late.

I just do it to cover nerves.

Sorry, I need to take this. Don't apologise, it's yours.

Can you please stop talking?

We need to make a good impression.

I absolutely love this place.

You know, it's over our budget.

Well, we'll knock him down a bit and we can talk to the bank.

What, with a pair of tights over our heads?

But I love it as well.

Sorry about that.

So, any questions?

No, it's lovely.

Really lovely.

It's got that real forever home feel about it.

Yeah, the kind of house they'll be taking us both out in a coffin.

I mean, obviously, different times.

Unless, uh, has the boiler been serviced?

Everything has been fully serviced in preparation for sale.

Good. So, Will, is there any room for movement on the price?

It's quite new to the market, so I'd be looking for the full asking price.

Are you sure? I mean, you're not using an estate agent, so no commission to

Very wise as well. You don't want their big, fat, greedy noses in the trough.

I didn't really think I'd need to use one, given my line of work.

What do you do?

I'm an estate agent.

And my wife is a lawyer, so we have all bases covered.

Oh, and I should mention the fish.

Don't tell me. They do removals.

I'm moving abroad, so I'm also selling the two carps that are in the pond.

Oh, I didn't see them.

They're a little coy.

Sorry, it's just a silly little fish joke.

Oh!

I ought to mention

they're quite a rare breed of ornamental fish, so we're asking £3 ,000 each for

them.

Blimey. Did you say your fish or your kidneys?

Sorry, it's just that we've got our own ornamental fish.

Really?

Mine are Nishikigoi carpet, imported from Ojiya, Japan. You?

Billy Bath.

When you clap your hands at things, take me to the river.

Sorry.

Six grand for two fish.

Morrison's due for 149.

Don't worry, we're not buying the fish, but we are buying this house.

You're going to have to knock the price down, though. Of course.

Let's get straight home, phone the bank and put in an offer today.

OK. I'll just use the toilet and we'll go.

What?

I need a wee.

Yeah, but you have to use his toilet.

Well, I would go in the pond, but those fish sound a bit la -di -da.

OK, but keep the noise down.

Keep the noise down?

You're like a racehorse.

Thank you.

I mean, you sound like a racehorse.

It looks... Like a seahorse.

If you are so worried about the completely natural sound of a human

urinating, maybe you can ask him to show you his diamond -encrusted fish.

That way, he won't hear anything.

I'm more worried about the accidental farts. Oh, I'm sure you can hold them in

for five minutes.

Sorry, more people wanting to view.

Oh, well, um, just to say, you should be hearing some movement from us very,

very soon.

Actually, I was wondering if I could have a look at those fish.

Ah, I thought you weren't interested in buying them.

Oh, never say never.

And how often do I get the chance to see such unique fish?

Carpe diem.

Seize the... carp.

Sure. And can I use your toilet?

Um, of course.

You have to give it a little jiggle when you're finished.

I know, it's not my first rodeo.

The flush.

It's a bit temperamental.

Hello.

Hello. I must say, the photos were stunning. But in person, I'm even

more impressed.

Did I accidentally sign up to Grindr again?

Shall we start upstairs?

I was joking.

I know.

I'm John.

Three o 'clock viewing.

Oh. You weren't expecting me, were you?

I did wonder whether the online booking thing had worked or not.

Look, mate, there's a bit of confusion here. I'm not actually... By the way, if

it's a quick sale you want, I'm your man. No chain, I won't naggle, and I'm a

cash buyer.

Yeah, like I say, I'm not actually in a position to sell it anymore because I've

literally just accepted an offer.

Oh, that is very disappointing.

I travelled a long way to get here. Well, you must have passed loads of

on the way. I bet one of them is for sale.

Look, I might be able to offer you more than they did. So why don't you just

show me around and let's see what happens?

It's a lovely house. Ah, but is it?

You see, now I've sold it, I can be a bit more honest.

It's actually quite cold.

Well, whack the heating up.

There isn't any.

Yes, there is.

Oh. Is that what that does?

Look, I'm sorry, mate. The house is up for sale. OK, fine.

Look, can I just nip to your loo and then I'll be off?

No. Why?

There isn't one.

There isn't a toilet?

If God had wanted us to use toilets, they wouldn't have invented sinks.

Are you joking? What?

Up the stairs, first on the left.

Careful with the floor, it's a bit temperamental. What do you think of the

Can't exactly take them on the plane to New York.

You could go by boat and tow them.

I'm sorry. I'm afraid Lee won't have any pets with a higher IQ than him.

The house, on the other hand, will be making some phone calls and you'll be

hearing from us this afternoon with a firm offer.

Full asking price?

Well, certainly full offering price.

I didn't do a negotiation course for nothing.

A negotiation course? Yes.

Six weeks at college.

But I managed to get that down to four.

I love it so much.

What?

Slight problem.

Oh, my God, Lee, what did you do to his bathroom?

I didn't use his bathroom.

But somebody else did.

Who? John.

Who the hell's John?

The man who used his bathroom. Keep up.

He had an appointment to view the house. I was trying to get rid of him. So what

was the plan? To flush him down the plug hole?

I was pretending that I was the owner so I could stop him from buying it.

What? He was a cash buyer.

Said he might be willing to pay the full asking price.

OK.

That makes sense, I guess.

Well done.

Well, at least he's gone without anyone seeing him.

Don't tell me he's still in there.

Told me not to tell you.

Oh, my God, Lee! Do something!

Hello.

Hello.

Is it possible to use your toilet?

Again?

You know when you think you've finished, but there's a little bit left to squeak

out.

Not really. I've got that to look forward to.

Do you mind?

Look at those fish.

I thought you didn't want them.

I know, but I was playing it cool.

I actually love them.

Such cute little faces.

I need to use it.

Can't you use the other one?

There isn't another one.

There's an old suite.

I saw it on the website.

It's a bit misleading, that photo.

It's more of a walking wardrobe in a bucket.

You're quite odd, aren't you?

You should see what's on my floorboards.

Wait there a second.

That's your wife.

That's what I said.

Bit of an age gap.

No offence.

I'd be more offended if you didn't think there was an age gap.

Been married long?

Childhood sweetheart.

childhood. She was in her forties.

So what are you hiding in here?

Well, the thing is, as you can see, she's very old.

And she forgets things, like the fact that we're moving house.

And she gets very distressed when she's reminded.

Very mad.

Well, you're going to have to tell her on moving day.

Possibly not.

The doctors aren't optimistic.

I'm sorry to hear that.

So, if you could just wait in here for a minute.

Oh, dear. How long did I give her?

If you could just wait in here whilst I get rid of her.

Here, read this.

It's great.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, you must be viewing the house.

Yes, I was just reading you, Lou.

I'm Margaret, William's mother.

Yes. Mother, should have gone with that.

I've lived here since my husband passed away.

Over 60 years we were married.

My mother wasn't very keen on him because he loved horse racing.

Fascinating.

Well, I'll be down in a minute, then you can tell me some more.

If you wasn't at the bookmakers, he'd be dragging me to the racetrack.

I sometimes think he should have married a racehorse.

Can you guess where we went on our honeymoon?

Horse racing.

Yes. How did you know?

It's like a gift. Seriously.

Why don't you go downstairs and meet my wife?

Actually, where's Will's wife? Is she with you, or is she about to jump out of

an airy cupboard at some point?

She doesn't live here.

They're splitting up. That's why they're selling the house.

It's very sad.

Yeah, awful. But I've still got mine.

So, why don't you go downstairs and meet them?

They don't really suit me anymore. I struggle to get up and down the stairs.

Seems to be doing all right to me.

She's in the garden, my wife.

In a minute. I need the toilet.

You can't. I need it.

You've just been.

I know, but I need it again because I've got a very weak bladder.

My husband had a very weak bladder. I suspect it was all the tea.

Do you know how many cups of tea he'd have a day? I have no idea.

Yes. Go on.

Ten. No.

No idea. How many?

Fourteen. No.

Twelve. No. Six.

Nineteen. Twenty -three.

you say higher or lower?

25, 17, 29, 15.

Yes, 15.

Brilliant. Go downstairs, ask my wife. She loves a quiz.

I told you I need to go.

Listen, I am going to wet myself here and now on your carpet. If you don't go

outside, meet my wife and let me go to the toilet.

Well, will you be quick then?

Hey, these cords go for a tidy price, don't they?

Where the hell do you think you're going?

Get back here or I'll blow your brain out.

Fascinating.

It's like every carp has its own story.

And every story has its own arc. And you put them all together and you get a

multi -story carp arc.

So, are you interested in buying them?

Not unless you throw in the house for free.

Hello, Mum. This is Lucy. She's viewing the house.

Oh, yes. I met your husband coming out of the bathroom.

What did he look like?

I mean, I know what he looks, obviously.

I mean, what does he smell like?

Just checking he's washed his hands.

Where is he? He went back in to use it.

Again? That's three times.

He said if I didn't let him, he'd pee on the carpet.

What's wrong with him? So many things.

I'll go and check on him. You should take him to a doctor.

Don't worry.

I've already got him a one -way ticket to a clinic in Switzerland.

You can't keep me prisoner all day.

I've got other properties to view.

Yes, absolutely.

It's not a big drop and that greenhouse will break you full.

Hello? It's Lucy.

Who's Lucy?

Your daughter.

Yeah.

Open the door right now.

I assume she knows you, Sally.

Or is she confused as well?

She will be in a minute.

Hello.

Mrs Lucy, the daughter I had with Margaret, the old lady you met on the

stairlift.

Bloody hell.

Language, young lady.

Daddy?

What are you doing in the bathroom with another man?

This is John.

Nice to meet you, Lucy.

I know what you're thinking. I don't look old enough to be her father.

No, I wasn't thinking that.

I'm here to view the house.

But I was explaining that it's already been sold to the couple that came

earlier. The nice couple.

I don't know. The husband was a bit of a dick.

I was also explaining that John can't leave the house whilst your mum's

downstairs because she's not aware that we're selling the house due to her

dementia and...

Terminal illness.

Excuse us for a moment.

God's sake, Lee.

All this because you had to have a wee. Couldn't you have just held it in?

I am holding it in. I haven't been yet.

You need to get them two out of the way so I can get him out of the house.

How?

Say you want to have a look at the fish.

You have got to be kidding me.

I have already said no to buying those fish three times.

Well, act like you're reconsidering. Say you've found a great recipe.

And what about the old woman?

If you feign interest in her dead husband's weak bladder, she'll be putty

your hands.

I never had to hear sentences like that before I met you.

He's almost done.

Almost? Has he stopped for a rest and some Lugazade?

I'm a bit slow at getting started, but then... Whoosh!

Well, sorry to be a nuisance, but... Could I have another look at the fish?

I was the regional chairman of the Ornamental Carp Association for eight

consecutive years. Even I am sick of looking at those fish.

Please?

I just want a quick photo of them.

You want a photo of the fish you don't want to buy?

I know I keep saying no, but I just... I can't stop thinking about them.

You know when you just can't get something out of your... House?

Please. 30 seconds is all I need.

OK.

Oh, um, aren't you joining us?

No, I need the toilet.

Oh, that's a shame. I was hoping to get some advice about my husband's weak

bladder. Oh, well, you're talking to the right person.

Do you know how many... Cups of tea my husband used to drink.

Seven? No.

Nine? No.

Twenty -three? Yes, again.

I mean, it's such a lovely property. You sure you won't reconsider showing me

around?

I'll take that as a no.

Look, I've told you, it's not for sale.

My pockets are very deep. Yeah, well, live in there.

I don't understand.

I'm potentially offering you more. In cash.

If you're that desperate to spend money, there's six grand's worth of giant

goldfish in the back garden.

Well, I'll be happy to make that part of the deal. Can I have a look at them?

No.

They're a little shy.

What?

It's a carp joke.

Did he mean koi? Yes, koi.

Just... Can you please leave before my frail wife sees you and my much less

frail daughter beats ten bells of crap out of both of us? I've got to go.

Bye.

Ah, here he is.

Have you?

Yeah. Well, we'll be on our way, but thanks again for letting us view your

beautiful house. And of course, the beautiful fish.

They really are terrific.

Incredible things.

I love them.

You're still not buying them, are you? No. Goodbye.

Can we please just go home and put an offering for this house?

You and your daughter are very close, I see.

Can I help you?

I forgot this.

I also wanted to apologise.

Didn't know what you're thinking, I was a weirdo.

Which is obviously now quite ironic.

Apologise about what?

You're right about that dodgy flush.

You might want to nip back and give it another go.

Why?

You kept me never so long, it...

developed into something else.

I tried to flush it.

But you kept knocking and hurrying me up.

What is the matter with you?

Oh, I am sorry for doing what nature intended.

Unlike some.

We could lose the house over this.

He already thinks we're odd and now you've left a floater in the bog.

No, I haven't. It was him.

Fella doesn't know that, does he?

Go back and flush it.

I can't go back in there.

Oh, yes, you can.

I have not come this far to be thwarted by an obstinate little turd.

The turd's me, right?

I know you called this your forever home, but I didn't realise forever

now.

What if I quickly nip and use the toilet?

Then you get the house.

Think of it as a Japanese game show.

Maybe we could... You're not seeing the fish again.

Ready?

Yes, all in hand.

Shall we go?

As quickly as possible, please.

I'd like to pop back up.

One more for the road.

I'm fine, thanks.

So I can finally use the toilet, then?

You'll be hearing from us later.

Full asking price, I assume?

Absolutely. If you can lower the asking price, we can offer it in full.

Hold on a little bit.

William, where's your father's watch?

Well, it was definitely there earlier, because... he picked it up.

Well, it's not that...

sort of thing, you know.

Thieves posing as house buyers.

One of them distracts you while the other one gets up to all sorts.

Oh, God, it must have been John.

Who the hell's John?

The other man that was in the house.

What other man? Did you see another man?

No. So there was a man and no one saw him but you.

That's right. How come?

Because I hid him in the toilet.

Of course you did.

Anyone else up there? Elvis Presley? Travis Knight and the Pips? The entire

Broadway cast of Hamilton?

He must have stolen your watch.

Absolute nonsense.

I do not take things that don't belong to me.

Turn out your pockets.

Turn out your pockets.

I don't want to.

Safely. Just turn out your pockets.

houses from a charity shop.

It's him! Who?

John, it's the thief! He's come back for your fish!

Get out of that pond, you thieving bastard!

Watch it, mate!

You're out, you...

We'd like to buy your house, please.

Full asking price.

And we'll take the fish.

Before we go, could I please just quickly use your toilet?