Original subtitles

Corky: Hey, Libby.

How's our girl doing this morning?

Not good.

I caught my new boyfriend with his old girlfriend

in our --I meant Holly.

Oh. Right.

Still in a coma.

They say you should have a minimum

of eight hours' beauty sleep,

but after 10 years, you've got that covered.

Although, a little blush wouldn't hurt.

You are such a good person, coming here before work

month after month all these years.

Holly and I have been friends since our pageant days.

Nothing bonds girls like tucking each other's back fat

into an evening gown.

She deserves better than that sleazebag husband of hers.

Now, I know a jury acquitted him,

but you'll never convince me

he didn't push her down those stairs.

I refuse to believe that.

Charles wasn't perfect, but at the trial,

anyone could see he was heartbroken.

[ Monitor beeping ]

Woman: Paging Dr. Stateman. Dr. Stateman, please.

Oh, my God! Her eyes just fluttered!

What? That's impossible.

The doctors said --Holly?

Can you hear me?

[ Beeping continues ]

Pam!

♪♪

Julius: Five minutes to air, people.

Also, whoever's crunching

the granola into their headset, just stop.

You're making me as crazy as Kanye.

Regarding your recent correspondence

with Senate Majority Leader Mitch --

McConnell, yes?

May I take the liberty of suggesting

a modicum of revision to said correspondence

with Senate Majority Leader...

Just get to the point.

...McConnell.

Did I mention that there is not a single participle

left dangling in your entire document?

Brava.

That's just such good news.

However, when referring to

Senate Majority Leader McConnell,

the utilization of the transitive verb

"sucks" 11 times --

Why was I born?

May I suggest in paragraph three

the employment of the Oxford comma?

Hi.

Although it is fiercely debated in punctuation circles,

I've always found myself --

"You're fired!"

This is an unnecessary use of an exclamation point.

This form of punctuation is often used

to express brightness or surprise --

criminally overused in social media and text messages,

as is the all-caps sentence...

Okay. Everybody feeling good?

Ready to go live?

Guys, you are never going to believe

what happened this morning.

My friend Holly opened her eyes and spoke to me.

Are you serious?

"Years in a Coma" Holly?

"Trial of the Decade" Holly? This is incredible.

What did she say?

"Pam."

"Pam"? Is that a clue?

I don't know. She went right back under.

If Holly Mackin Lynne is really waking up,

we could break this thing wide open.

Well, who's Holly Mackin Lynne?

The Sleeping Beauty Case.

It was on every media outlet 10 years ago.

Where were you?

Probably in my room telling God I'd stop touching myself

if He got rid of my acne.

You know, I covered that story for months.

I was at that courtroom every day.

After years of trying to make ends meet, Charles,

the husband, invents a computer software program,

and suddenly he's a gazillionaire.

And he was having an affair, and he wanted to divorce Holly,

but he couldn't because he would have had to give her

half his empire, so he gave her a shove instead.

A jury of his peers did not believe that,

and neither do I.

Well, I'm my own jury -- me times 12 --

and we voted to convict him unanimously.

Charles and I have known each other since we were kids.

I fixed them up.

Yes, he had a fling, but they worked through it,

and their marriage was stronger than ever.

True crime stories are ratings gold.

We need to get on this now.

Well, as soon as the show is over, I'll go up to the hospital

and see if I can get her to talk to me.

She just came out of a coma.

She doesn't need you scaring her back into one.

She's my friend. It should be my story.

This is more than a one-person job.

Corky, you take the first shift at her bedside.

Murphy, pull up all your research from the trial.

Frank, make sure no other reporters get into that room.

Pat, set up a secure feed from the hospital.

Awesome! I'm like Simon Pegg

from "Mission: Impossible"...

which, I guess, means you are a short Alec Baldwin,

you are a hairless Tom Cruise...

Still a compliment.

-10 seconds. -...and Murphy's an aging white,

whiteAngela Bassett.

I heard that.

Great. You're here. Come on. I want you to see something.

No time. I've got to look for old files in the basement.

It will take exactly 30 seconds. Come on.

Wolf is airing my new promo at noon on the dot.[ TV turns on ]

Come on. Sit, sit, sit.

Look at you, so excited.

[ Cellphone rings ]

No, don't answer it right now.

It might be important.

Hello?

If I get my floors refinished,

they'll clean my carpets for free.

That's a good deal.

Give me that. Here it comes.

Announcer: A lot of journalists like to hear themselves talk.

Avery Brown listens.

Avery: You're a factory worker, Bob.

How are the tariffs affecting your household?

Annie, does your insurance cover prenatal care?

Daryl, what happens to you if they cut Social Security?

Avery Brown.

He hears you, America.

♪♪

What the hell was that?

I swear. That was not in the promo that I approved.

Well, you'll see a definite uptick

in the young female and gay men demo.

Scottsdale!

You know, the shoot was over. It was 100 degrees.

I changed my shirt, and I was walking back to the car.

I wasn't [slowly] walking.

[ Normal voice ] My producer yelled, "Good job,"

and I turned around.

I didn't [slowly] turn around.

Avery, it's Wolf.

This is how they package their people.

You're lucky they didn't CGI your pants off.

[ Normal voice ] No, that was total B.S.,

and they're gonna hear about it right now.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Cute tushy, though. I made that.

♪♪

Nice moustache, Frank.

You look like Stormy Daniels' co-star in "The Horny Hospital."

Hey, no one has recognized me yet,

which is amazing 'cause I'm pretty recognizable.

Yeah, right -- Elvis, Jesus, and you.

Just focus on the mission, okay?

I don't want to be in this hospital

any longer than I have to.

Everything is going as planned.

I haven't seen another reporter, so it's still our exclusive.

Or is it? [ Clears throat ]

Excuse me.

Can you state your business, please?

[ Native accent ] I'm a doctor.

[ Laughs ]

With that fake accent? Nice try.

My accent is not fake, but your moustache is.

Now, get out of my way before I call security.

Hold on.

If you're a real doctor,

should I be concerned about this?

Why don't you ask Dr. Porno here?

It's amazing, isn't it, Doctor?

Amazing?

To come out of a long coma

with so little damage is so rare.

I can only call it a miracle.

But my memory is still so fuzzy. Will it come back?

Only time will tell. Your brain has a lot to process.

You must be patient -- a patient patient.

[ Laughs ] A little doctor humor.

Maybe I could become a comedian because I have a "humerus" bone.

Murphy: Yeah, we get it.

We'll see you at Doctors' Night at the Improv.

Wow. Holly Mackin Lynne.

It's fantastic to see you awake.

I covered your husband's trial.

His trial? For what?

Attempted murder.

Of who? You.

What have you been doing in here?

Trying to bring her back slowly.

Charles tried to kill me?!

No! Yes!

You fell down a flight of stairs.

Do you remember anything from that day?

Uh, um -- I'm so confused.

I missed so much.

Well, here's a recap.

If you owned Lehman Brothers stock or loved MySpace,

you won't be happy.

If you loved "Will & Grace" and "Magnum, P.I.," you will be.

And remember Donald Trump?

Murphy! No!

The handsy guy who liked walking through our pageant dressing room

pretending to check the thermostat?

That's the one. He's president.

Of what?

The United States.

Why don't you just hit her over the head with a bedpan?

I want to go back in the coma.

Way to go, Murphy.

Thank God you didn't tell her that Miss America

got rid of the swimsuit competition.

No!

I am just trying to get to the truth --

something you seem to be in denial about.

I'm a journalist, Murphy -- same as you.

But she's also my friend, and I want to protect her!

She needs to know what happened to her.

I think it might be more about what youneed, Murphy.

I remember how upset you were when that acquittal came down,

that maybe your instincts about Charles were wrong.

That's ridiculous.

I have only been interested in the truth,

and my instincts always take me there.

That man is guilty, and nothing will convince me I'm wrong.

Pam.

"Pam" again. What is this --

some kind of "Rosebud" thing?

Okay, ladies. Time's up.

The patient needs her rest.

Rest? What else has she been doing all these years?

♪♪

Connor, you take mid. Tia, you pincer right.

Oh, wait. I'm changing my loadout.

You are such a scrub!

I'll cover you, Ti.

They'll never know what hit them.

I'm dead.

Oh. Me too.

Me too. Nice cover, Ave.

Hey, don't be so hard on him.

He's not a great soldier, but he's [slowly] so cute.

Don't start.

Especially when he walks.

[ Normal voice ] Oh, you mean like this?

[ Laughs ]

Connor, why don't you get back in the game

so I can shoot you?[ Laughs ]

Oh, you guys. It's just like high school.

Minus the Cheetos dust and the faint smell of weed.

Well, that was always our cue to leave.

Yeah. Somebody needs his beauty sleep.

I'm gonna come over there

and slow-motion kick your ass in a second.

-See you, dude. -Bye, Ms. B.

Bye, guys.

So, they saw the promo?Oh, yeah.

And what about your meeting with the network?

How'd that go? Not great.

I let them know that I felt disrespected

as a serious journalist.

And?

And they thanked me for my input

and told me that the response was through the roof,

especially with women and gay men.

Well, it wasn't always that way.

You know, nobody tried to get Walter Cronkite

into a tank top and skinny jeans.

All you can do is be the best journalist you can

and get to a position of power

so you can control your image.

If I don't put my foot down now,

they're gonna turn me into a Wolf Network calendar boy --

"12 Months of Avery."

I'm just gonna get myself a snack.

Do you want anything?

Yeah. How about a new mom?

[ Coughing ]

Frank, where the hell have you been?

My shift was over a half-hour ago.

Sorry. I got dragged into the E.R.

to help treat a gunshot victim.

I thought he was gonna pull through.

But then he coded, and we lost him.

It was real tough.

My God, Frank! Are you insane?!

Just kidding. I was in the cafeteria.

The line was endless. [ Laughs ]

Heads up. Look who's here.

Excuse me.

Charles.

Holly. Honey.

Oh, my God. It's a miracle.

This is so wonderful.

You see, Holly? I knew your prince would come.

Well, it took him long enough.

Did you come up in the elevator or take the stairs?

Oh, you. What are you doing here?

I just dropped by to, you know, jog someone's memory.

I got here as fast as I could.

I was in China at one of my -- [ Chuckles ]

ourdistribution centers when the hospital called.

I dropped everything to get back to you.

Oh. I need a tissue.

The doctors said you may never remember

the night of the accident,

but the truth is, I would never hurt you.

You're the love of my life.

So all those other women you've been

photographed with were grief counselors?

I was sad and trying to fill a void.

"Void." That's an interesting name for a woman, no?

I'm sorry I wasn't by your bedside every night.

It was just too painful to see you lying there.

I could reach out and touch you, but...

you were so far away.

Good God. Somebody get them a room.

We have one. What are you doing in it?

Okay, that's enough.

And I want to thank you, Corky,

for being such a good friend

to Holly and me during all this.

As for the rest of you...

I'd like some time alone with my wife.

Why? So you can put a pillow over her face?

Okay.

Wait. W-Wait, wait.

I-I think I remember.

Yes, I-I do -- as clear as a bell.

I know what happened.

It was late.

I was heading down the back stairs to the kitchen

to get some ice cream -- Rocky Road.

There was about a third of the pint left.

Maybe a quarter.

I put on my robe -- the blue chenille one.

I got to the first step, and I tripped over the cat.

I don't remember anything after that --

not the fall, not hitting my head.

Charles didn't push me. He's innocent.

Well, how about that, Murphy?

I have instincts, too.

The network is promo-ing the hell out of this story.

I just still can't believe I got it wrong.

I was so sure Charles was guilty.

How could two of the best reporters

in the business be so far off?

I mean, if you lose your instincts,

you don't have anyth--Don't beat yourself up, guys.

It's still a good story.

Not as good as if he had, you know...

Aaaaaah.

But, then again, the audience won't

know the truth until we go live.

10 seconds to a huge disappointment, people.

Odds in Vegas are running 50 to 1

that the husband did it.

Also, you still have a whole month to buy tickets

to Cirque du So Gay.

In 5, 4, 3, 2...

[ Theme music plays ]

Welcome to "Murphy in the Morning"

and the amazing conclusion of a story that 10 years ago

gripped the country.

Charles and Holly Mackin Lynne,

a power couple who had it all

until a tragic fall almost cut her life short.

But did she fall, or was she pushed?

Corky Sherwood has known Holly for years

and was present when she miraculously

came out of her coma.

And now she is about to reveal the stunning,

almost impossible-to-believe truth.

Corky?

Thank you, Murphy.

I have to admit I am drawn to fairy tales,

magical stories of frogs that become princes,

the glass slipper that fits,

or a princess who falls down

a flight of stairs and ends up in a coma.

I'd like you to meet Holly Mackin Lynne,

who isthat princess.

Hello.

Holly, you now know that your husband, Charles,

was charged with attempted murder.

Though he was acquitted, rumors continue to swirl

that it was his hand that sent you down those stairs.

Are you ready to tell us exactly what happened?

I am.

This is so saccharine, I gained two pounds just watching it.

So, Holly, did Charles send you

down that flight of stairs?

You bet he did.

What?!

Yes. Holy crap!

Holly, what are you saying?

I remember it all.

You and I had an argument.

You said you were tired of me

and finally had enough money

to live the life you always wanted to live

and weren't gonna give me any of it.

You took 10 years of my life.

He greased up the staircase

with cooking spray to make it nice and slippery.

-Pam! -Pam!

[ Chuckles ] Honey, you said

you tripped over the cat.

You said I was innocent.

[ Scoffs ] I just wanted to expose you

on national television.

And we didn't have a cat, you idiot.

Give me a close-up on Corky.

[ Sighs ]

Well, how about that?

Sometimes a fairy tale is...

well, a fairy tale.

The Big Bad Wolf eats Little Red Riding Hood,

Hansel and Gretel get burnt to a crisp,

and the Little Old Woman in a Shoe has so many children

because she didn't have easy access to contraceptives.

[ Sighs ] Kind of shakes you to your core, doesn't it?

This is Corky Sherwood reporting to you from...

Oh, who cares?

♪♪

Well, that was a hell of a show. But it didn't surprise me.

I knew that guy was guilty. It's always the husband.

I've had four of them.

I know a stair-pusher when I see one.

Well, you know, it looks like Charles is gonna spend

some time in jail, although the odds of

a rich white guy doing any time are pretty slim.

She just hired Gloria Allred.

Then "Pretty Slim" is gonna be his prison nickname.

You know, I'm just relieved I've still got it.

But what is that other weird feeling?

Oh, yeah -- sympathy.

I feel bad for Corky.

Corky, come sit with us.

Leave me alone.

[ Sighs ]

Look, Corky, I know --Back off, Murphy.

The last thing I need right now is for you to gloat.

Phyllis, give me a shot of vodka.

Phyllis: Not that I don't want the business,

but it's not even noon yet.

Fine. Give me a side of orange juice I won't drink.

Okay.

But I'm not gonna waste the good stuff on you.

This is from Utah.

This has hit you pretty hard, hasn't it?

I knew Charles my whole life.

I trusted him.

[ Voice breaking ] Turns out I didn't know him at all.

Maybe I should just give up and be more like you, huh?

Never expect too much so you're never disappointed.

Laugh at the idea of true love

so you never get your heart broken.

Okay, I-I know my reaction is to doubt

and yours is to trust, but some--

Phyllis, hit me again.

You keep drinking like this,

and I'm gonna have to put you over there

in Kavanaugh Corner.

The world is a mess right now,

and we need more people like you in it.

If everyone was like me, there'd be a lot more people

going headfirst down the stairs.

You're just saying that so I won't have another vodka.

No, I'm saying it because I mean it.

Really?

Really.

[ Sniffles ]

I need a hug.

L-Let's not push it, okay?

It's either a hug or another vodka.

Okay.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Now, let's go over with the other people who love you.

I need to go to the little girls' room first.

Ooh.

Feeling a bit unsteady.

After two shots? Amateur.

Hey. Congratulations, guys.

Hey.

Man, I got to say, even all the people

over at the Wolf Network watched your show today.

Although all the guys there did ask the same question --

"Why didn't she call the police on her way down the stairs?"

[ Laughter ]

And these are your colleagues.

Speaking of which, any meeting of the minds on the promo?

Not exactly, but I did come up with an idea.

I'm gonna wear my glasses on the air instead of my contacts.

That way I can look smart, serious, distinguished.

Let's see them make a sex symbol out of me now.

-Love your show. -Oh, thank you.

And the glasses.

So hot.

This is our burden, bud.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

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